Friend is disintegrating inside

[Mr Keshy]

Hey guys,

Recently,  I've been speaking to a very close of mine, he's currently studying MBBS and has finished his first year, but I'm very worried about his wellbeing as he seems very distraught in the inside. He's a very close friend of mine, on the outside he's very happy going and friendly, but since speaking to him recently, he's revealed that he "hates himself and who he is".

He says that he does not have an efficient study technique. He's tried lots of thing and nothing is coming to memory. He feels his grades are dropping fast.

Uni students may help out here; he says that he's trying to remember the chapters word for word and that it's just not working, he also says that he's expected to know the chapters word for word and that if he can't he should not be in this course. He feels that he's too lazy and disorganised to try any other techniques to help him with this as well.

He says that he shouldn't be moping about it and be tough instead and that is making him feel worse about himself.

I'm worried also as he has spoken about this with his friends and he's scared that they're going to get sick of him.

He's getting frequent mood swings, one moment he feels refreshed and the next moment he feels awful. He's frustrated that he can't be disciplined, strong and mature like anyone else.

He hates himself.

I know this is very long, I sincerely thank anyone who has read this. He's a great friend to me and it's really sad to see him in this state of mind. He unselfishly helps those around him, and thinks about others.. He's a great person and I don't think anyone deserves to be in a situation like this.

Perhaps there are many people in this situation or previously have been themselves. Please share

I will directly feed your replies to him, any words of motivation, tips and tricks, techniques, anything he's doing wrong.

Thank you guys

[vashappenin]

Well is he happy to be studying MBBS? It seems as though he isn't.. Maybe advise him to try out another course? Or take the semester/year off and just relax a little before trying a new course.

[Mr Keshy]

Well is he happy to be studying MBBS? It seems as though he isn't.. Maybe advise him to try out another course? Or take the semester/year off and just relax a little before trying a new course.

Thank you for your reply Vashappenin I asked him this question and  he said he doesn't know...he was pushed into it. But it's also a pragmatic decision on his behalf to do it - he knew what he really wanted to do. do was not feasible.

[alondouek]

First of all, let your friend know that they'll be alright; I'm sure almost everyone hits a tough time at some point during Uni. There are a few things they can do.

As someone who has suffered from a moderate anxiety disorder since age 9, I strongly recommend that your friend discuss their feelings with a professional; if they are uncomfortable with this, that's understandable - but better that they be uncomfortable sharing their feelings than keeping them bottled up. In the off chance that the way your friend is feeling is as a result of some neurological chemical imbalance, the best thing to do would be a consultation with a psychiatrist following referral from a psychologist to rectify anything of the sort.

Also, make sure your friend is always aware that there are always people around him who are happy to hear their thoughts, doubts, rants, and that a shoulder is always available for them to cry on if needs be. Chicken_65, as their friend you are their stress-ball and their sounding wall - let them bounce their feelings of you, and offer friendly support if needed.

The symptoms that your friend seem to be experiencing sound very much like stress. The fact that they're undertaking an MBBS (congratulate them for me, that's no mean feat) suggests to me that they're under a great deal of stress - consider as well that the stress may not only be from Uni. Ask them about life outside Uni as well, if there's anything they'd like to share with you?

The best thing they can do to get rid of the stress is simply to find ways to relax, be it taking time out to read a book unrelated to university, play a game of sport or take up a hobby like yoga. If, however they experiences feelings of guilt at not working (as many people do), I suggest that they do the following minor things:

• When they feel stress, panic or a lack of confidence compounding, they should stop doing whatever they're doing and spend a good 5-10 minutes slowly inhaling with the nose, holding their breath for three seconds, then slowly exhaling via the mouth. This calms them, and focuses the mind so that panic subsides
• Close their eyes and visualise the feelings that they're feeling, and eliminate them in creative ways from their mind (this might be, for example, popping 'bubbles' of sadness or lack of confidence etc). This may seem a bit silly and infantile, but it's quite effective in mitigating sensations like pain and depression as it forces the mind to subconsciously rationalise and degrade these feelings

And kudos to you, Chicken_65, you're a good friend for seeking support on their behalf. Helping them cope with the way they're feeling now is one of the most selfless, good things you can do.

[pi]

I would advise this friend to take the relevant advice from here http://pagingdr.net/forum/index.php?topic=2535.0 (he'll need an account to see this, but many doctors post)


edit: typo

[Mr Keshy]

First of all, let your friend know that they'll be alright; I'm sure almost everyone hits a tough time at some point during Uni. There are a few things they can do.

As someone who has suffered from a moderate anxiety disorder since age 9, I strongly recommend that your friend discuss their feelings with a professional; if they are uncomfortable with this, that's understandable - but better that they be uncomfortable sharing their feelings than keeping them bottled up. In the off chance that the way your friend is feeling is as a result of some neurological chemical imbalance, the best thing to do would be a consultation with a psychiatrist following referral from a psychologist to rectify anything of the sort.

Also, make sure your friend is always aware that there are always people around him who are happy to hear their thoughts, doubts, rants, and that a shoulder is always available for them to cry on if needs be. Chicken_65, as their friend you are their stress-ball and their sounding wall - let them bounce their feelings of you, and offer friendly support if needed.

The symptoms that your friend seem to be experiencing sound very much like stress. The fact that they're undertaking an MBBS (congratulate them for me, that's no mean feat) suggests to me that they're under a great deal of stress - consider as well that the stress may not only be from Uni. Ask them about life outside Uni as well, if there's anything they'd like to share with you?

The best thing they can do to get rid of the stress is simply to find ways to relax, be it taking time out to read a book unrelated to university, play a game of sport or take up a hobby like yoga. If, however they experiences feelings of guilt at not working (as many people do), I suggest that they do the following minor things:

• When they feel stress, panic or a lack of confidence compounding, they should stop doing whatever they're doing and spend a good 5-10 minutes slowly inhaling with the nose, holding their breath for three seconds, then slowly exhaling via the mouth. This calms them, and focuses the mind so that panic subsides
• Close their eyes and visualise the feelings that they're feeling, and eliminate them in creative ways from their mind (this might be, for example, popping 'bubbles' of sadness or lack of confidence etc). This may seem a bit silly and infantile, but it's quite effective in mitigating sensations like pain and depression as it forces the mind to subconsciously rationalise and degrade these feelings

And kudos to you, Chicken_65, you're a good friend for seeking support on their behalf. Helping them cope with the way they're feeling now is one of the most selfless, good things you can do.

Thank you very much Alondouek.

"Also, make sure your friend is always aware that there are always people around him who are happy to hear their thoughts, doubts, rants, and that a shoulder is always available for them to cry on if needs be."

I've been having trouble telling him this. He seems to think people are just going to get annoyed at him. He says that friends will go away if he continues like this. He feels he has no right to (for lack of a better word) "bitch" about his problems to others, as they have better things to do. I've also told him that many people have a great amount of respect and high regard for him, I know this first hand. I told him that his real friends are here to help. I've been talking to him a lot about his problems and I said to him "Look at what I'm doing now" and he smiled

I've passed this onto him as well, once again, thank you so much for your help and kind words. I don't believe anyone should feel like this so I'll be doing my utmost best to keep their head high. I will talk to him in more detail when he is feeling better

[Mr Keshy]

I would advise this friend to take the relevant advice form here http://pagingdr.net/forum/index.php?topic=2535.0 (he'll need an account to see this, but many doctors post)

Cheers pi, I'll link him!

[fuzzylogic]

First of all, good on your Chicken_65 for being such a caring person and asking for help on behalf of your friend- he sure is lucky to have you
I agree with what people above have said and there are a few things I'd like to add in the hope that it will help you help your friend.

Speaking as med student myself, I can say that what your friend is feeling and going through is common amongst med students, especially in the first few year.  I know that that doesn't really make it any easier, but maybe your friend will feel a -little- better knowing that he is not alone.   Please tell him not to worry that his friends will get sick of him- true friends are a very important source of support.  "He's frustrated that he can't be disciplined, strong and mature like anyone else."-- as I said before, there are many people who are happy and content on the outside, but are inside nursing similar worries and fears and problems...do remind him of that. 

With regards to your friend's concerns about study techniques-- first year is a year of discovery for almost everyone and it can be challenging to find a technique that works.  Obviously I'm only speaking from my own personal experience, but I'm pretty sure learning every chapter word for word is unnecessary and possibly not the most efficient way of learning.  However, if he can make it work, then that's great.  But it does sound like other methods would be better.  If your friend does feel he is struggling academically, there are people he can turn to for support in the faculty (I don't know which uni he's at, but I guess unis would have similar structures)- and he should definitely not be scared to ask for help if needed. 

Another thing regarding study and grades is that it's not unusual for students to see a drop in their grades compared to school...uni is a whole different game, and scores which might have been deemed 'average' in high school may in fact be excellent in uni. 

I'm no professional, but it does seem from some of the things your friend has expressed (hating himself, frequent mood swings, feeling distraught and frustrated at himself) that he may benefit from seeking professional help.  Mental health problems like depression and anxiety are unfortunately very prevalent amongst med students in particular (this is something I'm pretty passionate about so sorry in advance if I start rantig haha), and it's really important that anyone suffering has appropriate support, and if needed, therapy and treatment.  Friends are invaluable, but sometimes it does help to talk to a 'grown up'.  Ask your friend if he's considered speaking to a counsellor at uni, or maybe his GP and encourage him to do so.  I know from personal experience that admitting to a perfect stranger that things are going crap inside your mind is frightening, but once you do, your life can be changed!

You're right when you say nobody deserves to be in a situation like this, and I do hope that things start to look brighter for your friend...with people like you in his life, it's likely that they will  

[MJRomeo81]

Thank you for your reply Vashappenin I asked him this question and  he said he doesn't know...he was pushed into it. But it's also a pragmatic decision on his behalf to do it - he knew what he really wanted to do. do was not feasible.

That's the part that really concerns me Med really is a lifestyle from what I've heard. The situation might only get worse as the years go on.

As for study techniques, if you have to ask the question "how should I approach this" then perhaps it's a sign that the course isn't aligned with your interests.

[Mr Keshy]

First of all, good on your Chicken_65 for being such a caring person and asking for help on behalf of your friend- he sure is lucky to have you
I agree with what people above have said and there are a few things I'd like to add in the hope that it will help you help your friend.

Speaking as med student myself, I can say that what your friend is feeling and going through is common amongst med students, especially in the first few year.  I know that that doesn't really make it any easier, but maybe your friend will feel a -little- better knowing that he is not alone.   Please tell him not to worry that his friends will get sick of him- true friends are a very important source of support.  "He's frustrated that he can't be disciplined, strong and mature like anyone else."-- as I said before, there are many people who are happy and content on the outside, but are inside nursing similar worries and fears and problems...do remind him of that. 

With regards to your friend's concerns about study techniques-- first year is a year of discovery for almost everyone and it can be challenging to find a technique that works.  Obviously I'm only speaking from my own personal experience, but I'm pretty sure learning every chapter word for word is unnecessary and possibly not the most efficient way of learning.  However, if he can make it work, then that's great.  But it does sound like other methods would be better.  If your friend does feel he is struggling academically, there are people he can turn to for support in the faculty (I don't know which uni he's at, but I guess unis would have similar structures)- and he should definitely not be scared to ask for help if needed. 

Another thing regarding study and grades is that it's not unusual for students to see a drop in their grades compared to school...uni is a whole different game, and scores which might have been deemed 'average' in high school may in fact be excellent in uni. 

I'm no professional, but it does seem from some of the things your friend has expressed (hating himself, frequent mood swings, feeling distraught and frustrated at himself) that he may benefit from seeking professional help.  Mental health problems like depression and anxiety are unfortunately very prevalent amongst med students in particular (this is something I'm pretty passionate about so sorry in advance if I start rantig haha), and it's really important that anyone suffering has appropriate support, and if needed, therapy and treatment.  Friends are invaluable, but sometimes it does help to talk to a 'grown up'.  Ask your friend if he's considered speaking to a counsellor at uni, or maybe his GP and encourage him to do so.  I know from personal experience that admitting to a perfect stranger that things are going crap inside your mind is frightening, but once you do, your life can be changed!

You're right when you say nobody deserves to be in a situation like this, and I do hope that things start to look brighter for your friend...with people like you in his life, it's likely that they will

Thank you very much Fuz

I think it will comfort him a little to know that it is not only him that is suffering from this. I will also speak to him about speaking to a professional as I do believe it will benefit him greatly.

Thanks again for your kind words I'm doing the best I can and I think all of these replies have given him some hope and something to think about

That's the part that really concerns me Med really is a lifestyle from what I've heard. The situation might only get worse as the years go on.

As for study techniques, if you have to ask the question "how should I approach this" then perhaps it's a sign that the course isn't aligned with your interests.

We'll have to see. It's a question that he has asked himself many times I think. Thank you for your reply , I'll pass this onto him today.