Compilation of Language Analysis Feedback

[Eugenet17]

Not bad for a Year 11 . Aim higher than 43.

Thanks! Means alot haha

[Smiley_]

Any help on my practice sac would be good

here is the article and image
http://www.theage.com.au/comment/entry-standards-for-teachers-are-too-low-20130723-2qhf5.html

the piece was done to time




After the release of the Gonski Review of Funding for Schooling, debate arose surrounding the need to improve schooling in Australia.  In an opinion piece published in “The Age” on Wednesday the 24th of July entitled “Entry standards for teachers are too low” Professor Ed Byrne contends in a measured and educated tone that the entry standards for teacher need to be raised, if we are to improve our school system. An accompanying cartoon from “Dyson” presents graduation hats in the air along with a Mickey Mouse face.

Throughout his piece the writer employs a measured rationality to attempt to position the reader that raising the standards for undergraduate teaching courses would benefit schools and their students.  The writer is presented as well-researched when he refers to the Gonski Review of Funding and states that “excellence in teaching...is by far the single most important factor in achieving sustained improvement”  this allows the readers to gain a sense of what would be best for the students, that are currently completing their education and are about to embark on their university journey. Through the use of the statistics that the proportion of students gaining entry into undergraduate teaching with an ATAR of less that “70 has increased by 7 per cent” a sense of fear is evoked in the reader, this positions them to question the impact that this trend may have on future generations. Bryne presents himself as concerned for school leavers because while having a high ATAR while not a measure of “intellectual ability” is a fairly accurate representation “of their preparedness for the rigours of university study”, here he allows the reader to question whether allowing to many students with low ATARs will not only be detrimental for our school system but for the students own learning and university experience. By explaining that there is a “youth bulge” a sense of urgency is evoked in the reader. That if action is not urgently taken then the education standards of our school will not rise. The credibility of the writer is extended by acknowledging the opposing viewpoints that the “quality of teachers upon exiting university is more important that entry standards” but, by stating that having higher ATARs is a “starting point” the readers is positioned to acknowledge that something must be done to prevent Australia from falling behind.

Ed Byrne continues his piece by presenting the idea that if other professionals have higher standards, this should be the same for those who are teaching our students. By using the analogy that of there being public outrage if “doctors were being admitted to university with ATARs of 40” the readers are positioned to view having low ATARS as unjust and unfair for the pupils that they would be teaching. A positive image of our teachers is generated when they are referred to as “important” and that they “deserve to be respected, this praise positions the reader to feel that this should continue to happen. A series of rhetorical questions including “Do we want our children to be taught by the best and most capable teachers?” generates a feeling compassion for our children and that they should deserve better.  By ending with the strong statement that the “current trend has to be reversed” this is the last part of the article that will be reader and therefore left in the readers mind, this firms statement aims to leave no doubt in the readers mind that changes must be made to the entry standards for teachers if we want to lift our education system. 

The carton above the article contains many hats from university students being thrown in the air as the do on graduation as well as a Mickey Mouse outline. All the other hats represent the other respected professionals and university degrees. The Mickey mouse symbol signifies that teaching is “easy”. This ties in with the saying “Mickey Mouse subject”, that it is not difficult.  It is also lower than the other has reinforcing into the readers mind that teaching only requires low scores to gain entry.

Both the article and the cartoon present the idea that teaching is easy to gain entry into. The article written by the Vice-chancellor of Monash University through the use of rhetorical questions and appeals aims to instil a sense of urgency into the reader regarding entry standards for teaching. The cartoon reinforces the typical image of teaching that it is easy to get into and anyone can do it.

[darvell]

Ok so I'm pretty rusty on PLT, havent done it since the very beginning of the year so dont take any of this as absolute, this is just how I write my PLT essays and I am quite capable of being wrong. Just thought I'd give it a crack anyway haha.

After the release of the Gonski Review of Funding for Schooling, debate arose surrounding the need to improve schooling in Australia.  In an opinion piece published in “The Age” on Wednesday the 24th of July entitled “Entry standards for teachers are too low” (date here - you can also put put the newspaper in here, that's how I do it because I think it flows better) Professor Ed Byrne contends in a measured and educated toneI would avoid directly saying "tone." Switch it up for another word like "approach", it makes you sound more sophisticated. that the entry standards for teachers need to be raised, if we are to improve our school system.It's not we and us. It is Australia haha. Dont use inclusive language! An You could also say it is complemented by .. accompanying cartoon from “Dyson” presents graduation hats in the air along with a Mickey Mouse face. I think you could stick in here a few more of his sub arguments. Like sure the main argument is that Aus needs their teachers to be of better standards, but what are the reasons why he believes that. Stick even just a couple of his other arguments in here after the first main one and it will make you sound stronger and like you really understand what the author is trying to say.

Throughout his piece the writer employs a measured rationality to attempt to position the readerto agree , to believe, to assert that raising the standards for undergraduate teaching courses would benefit schools and their students.  The writerYou can also switch this up for the author's last name so that you dont sound too repetitive. is presented as well-researched odd phrase. He increases his credibility?when he refers to the Gonski Review of Funding and states that “excellence in teaching...is by far the single most important factor in achieving sustained improvement” this is a very long quote. I dont know if this is just a me thing but I would try and select the most key points from that quote rather than having a giant chunk of text from the article. Your analysis is always going to be way more important than your quoting. this allowsor manipulates? the readers to gain a sense of what would be best for the students that are currently completing their education and are about to embark on their university journey. Through the use of the statisticsI would personally never say "through the use of statistics", it sounds like you're directly identifying PLT's. If you want to write more sophisticatedly, you have to be subtle with your PLT identification. I would quote the figure itself and say how such a huge figure ect does x to the audience... that the proportion of students gaining entry into undergraduate teaching with an ATAR of less that “70 has increased by 7 per cent”yes like this! but take away the statistics sentence at the start. a sense of fear is evoked in the reader, fear of what? be specific. You can pretty much never be too detailed in your analysis.this positions them to question the impact that this trend may have on future generations. Bryne presents himself as concerned for school leavers because asserting that.. while having a high ATAR while not a measure of “intellectual ability” is a fairly accurate representation “of their preparedness for the rigours of university study”, here he allows the reader to question whether allowing to many students with low ATARs will not only be detrimental for our school system but for the students own learning and university experience.in what way though? explain further By explaining that there is a “youth bulge” a sense of urgency is evoked in the reader. That if action is not urgently taken then the education standards of our no our, Australia'sschool will not rise. The credibility of the writer is extended by acknowledging the opposing viewpoints that the “quality of teachers upon exiting university is more important that entry standards” again this is a pretty lengthy quote. I'd shorten it down to the key phraes.but, by stating that having higher ATARs is a “starting point” the readers is positioned to acknowledge that something must be done to prevent Australia from falling behind.

Ed Byrne continues his piece by presenting the idea that if other professionals have higher standards, this should be the same for those who are teaching our students. By using the analogy that of there being public outrage if “doctors were being admitted to university with ATARs of 40” the readers are positioned to view having low ATARS as unjust and unfair for the pupils that they would be teaching. why does he do this, what effect does it have on the reader?A positive image of our teachers is generated when they are referred to as “important” and that they “deserve to be respected", this praise positions the reader to feel that this should continue to happen. Try and cut this first line into a couple of sentences. It's very hard to read because it is so long.A series of rhetorical questionsDo not directly identify PLT's! I would personally avoid analysing rhetorical questions because they arent a very good way to show off your skills. You can pretty much write the exact same thing for every single rhetorical question no matter what article it's in. I'd personally replace this and pick a few more of the key parts of language that the author uses to manipulate the reader. Also, don't be afraid to argue with what the reader is trying to make the readers feel. If the author messes up and has wrecked himself, write about it! Being able to acknowledge that the writer may have lost his audience is a really good way to show that you know your stuff and aren't just going for a thoughtless cliche essay. including “Do we want our children to be taught by the best and most capable teachers?” generates a feeling compassion for our children and that they should deserve better.  By ending with the strong statement that the “current trend has to be reversed” this is the last part of the article that will be reader and therefore left in the readers mind, this firms statement aims to leave no doubt in the readers mind that changes must be made to the entry standards for teachers if we want to lift our education system.  again I would avoid inclusive language. The article is directed at the AUDIENCE, not you. It is about AUSTRALIA, not you.

The cartoon above the article contains many hats from university students being thrown in the air as the do on graduation as well as a Mickey Mouse outline. All the other hats represent the other respected professionals and university degrees. The Mickey mouse symbol signifies that teaching is “easy”. This ties in with the saying “Mickey Mouse subject”, that it is not difficult.  It is also lower than the other has reinforcing into the readers mind that teaching only requires low scores to gain entry. Try and go in a bit more depth here. Mickey mouse - what does it make you think of? Its a cartoon aimed at children, yes? So associating university or teaching or whatever with a cartoon and children is pretty demeaning. You could get some really good analysis from this if you just go a bit more indepth! Also these last two paragraphs are very short. I would definitely try and pick out a few more words and techniques to analyse.

Both the article and the cartoon present the idea that teaching is easy to gain entry into. The article written by the Vice-chancellor of Monash University You dont need to repeat who it's written by. Just refer to the authors full name once at the beginning, and then "the writer" or "last name" or whatever. through the use of rhetorical questions and appeals no direct PLT identitification. I'm pretty rusty on PLT so I kind of forget how to do conclusions, but maybe just put some of his main contentions in here and how he drills in that message without directly stating the technique. Maybe have a read of some other people's examples here and try and reference their styleaims to instil a sense of urgency into the reader regarding entry standards for teaching. The cartoon reinforces the typical image of teaching that it is easy to get into and anyone can do it. seems like a very abrupt last line. Something closing or summing up here would be nice.

[palladium]

Hi, I'm in year 11 this year and this is my first LA essay, so it's a bit short and it isn't very good atm. But if I could get some feedback I'd be really really grateful because this is my new English teacher's first term of teaching (our old teacher has just gone on maternity leave) and I'd really like another perspective on it. Thanks in advance! 

The articles analysed were:

• http://www.theage.com.au/federal-politics/editorial/magdas-heartfelt-call-for-equality-20120215-1t6d0.html, and
• http://www.theage.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/gay-marriage-inevitable-gillard-tells-guests-20120221-1tlun.html

The emotionally-charged issue of gay marriage was explored in two separate occasions in The Age in February 2012, with an editorial published on 16th February and a front-page article on 22nd February. The editorial, titled “Magda’s heartfelt call for equality”, adopts a reasonable, matter-of-fact voice to discuss well-known television actress Magda Szubanski’s coming out as gay. It contends that ‘Australian marriage law is… a political anachronism’ and that the average Australian’s view of marriage has evolved into one which is more accepting and ‘enlightened’ than the conservative views held by those of earlier generations. With a similar approach to the previous piece, a front-page article “Gay marriage ‘inevitable, Gillard tells guests” written by Jessica Wright also embraces gay marriage, employing a diplomatic, hopeful tone for its potential future legalisation. These two pieces are angled towards the educated white-collar workers who make up the majority of the readership of The Age newspaper.

The reader’s attention is at first captured by the passionate title of the editorial. Appealing to one’s sense of justice by implying the discrimination of Magda Szubanski, the unnamed author aims to arouse the reader’s sympathy, and thus position the reader to be more receptive to the editorial’s contention: equal rights should be realised for gay citizens. The opening anecdote of Szubanski’s coming out immediately engages the reader in providing a current, real-life example to which the audience is able to relate to. Despite the disapproving tone of the editorial, the reader is instantly absolved of personal responsibility and prevented from any defensive feelings when the author states that they are ‘more enlightened than our political leaders’. Instead the Opposition Leader is singly named, blamed and attacked.

Qualitative statistics are used throughout the editorial. ‘Most Australians’ are cited to ‘accept being gay as a fact of life’ and believe that ‘the meaning and standing of marriage have changed’. It is suggested that this is the social norm and proposes that anyone possesses other beliefs are out-dated and marginalised. Quantitative statistics are then used, which tangibly demonstrate the popularity of the movement for same-sex marriage legalisation. Appeals to one’s civic values are made with Australian marriage law painted as ‘a political anachronism’ and ‘undemocratic’, ruled by ‘minority religious beliefs’. The piece concludes with an emotive appeal to the reader to help stop the ‘deadly harm’ and ‘oppression’ faced by gay citizens, quoting from Szubanski that ‘to be treated as less than equal is a serious issue’.

This editorial is followed up by a front-page article six days later, which, utilising a placid, relatively neutral tone, proposes that gay marriage is a likely possibility in the future. Jessica Wright appeals to the reader’s family values in presenting and quoting from the two young sons of a lesbian couple Sandy Miller and Louise Bucke, who are eager to see their mothers marry. Despite their young age, they argue that ‘people should be allowed to marry the person they love’. This belittles the opposition of gay marriage in proving that even children are more reasonable and can see more clearly. In contrast, the opposition to gay marriage seem narrow-minded and callous. It is accompanied by a photograph which shows three same-sex couples, with the sons of a couple flanked by their mothers, demonstrating solidarity and unity in their fight for equality.

In addition to Ms Miller and Ms Bucke, two other same-sex couples are introduced as examples of loving, same-sex relationships who feel severely disadvantaged by Australian marriage law. As true accounts of real people, their stories carry weight for the reader because like the reader, they are just regular citizens of Australia. Many quotes are used as evidence, engaging the reader and providing added credibility to the article. The reader’s sense of logic and reasoning is challenged as Ms Dane, who is in a same-sex relationship, remarks that their ‘feelings of love and commitment is not different to anyone else’s’, cajoling the reader into agreement that there is no reason why gay marriage should not be legal.

The two pieces both have a similar contention in that gay marriage should be legalised. Whilst the editorial is an informative, judicious appeal to fairness and logic, the front-page article instead focuses on the usage of emotive appeals, with a heavy emphasis on case studies and quotes. The editorial offers a rational viewpoint which is likely to attract reasonable, open-minded citizens but may marginalise the religious due to the contrasting beliefs. In contrast, the front-page article is more likely to appeal to emotionally-sensitive, fair-minded readers.

[darvell]

Okay so as mentioned in the essay I marked above this,  I'm fairly rusty on LA and haven't done it since the very beginning of the year, just trying to mark a few here and there so that my skills stay somewhat intact haha. This is in no way the"MUST DO" when it comes to LA (there's never really an absolute style when it comes to English, lets be real)  this is just how I write my PLT essays and I am quite capable of being wrong, so definitely double check anything that you think I have wrong/ other people feel free to correct me haha.

The emotionally-charged issue of gay marriage was explored in two separate occasions in The Age in February 2012, with an editorial published on 16th February and a front-page article on 22nd February. (Personally when I am writing a LA essay for just one Article, the way I will do it is "Title" (Newspaper, Date) because I think it just flows better than listing all the details in, however I also think the way you have done it in this essay works, esp because it is for two articles.  The editorial, titled “Magda’s heartfelt call for equality”, adopts a reasonable, matter-of-fact or pragmatic? voice to discuss well-known television actress Magda Szubanski’s coming out as gay. It contends I would avoid directly saying the word contends. It sounds like you're just trying to check off a list when you write the exact names for things that need to be added in here. Rather than using contends just stick in any authorial verbs (I think that's what they're called?) such as Asserts, Argues, Highlights, Illustrates ect ect. There's probably some awesome lists of words that you can use either online in general or on here if you struggle with those kinds of words that ‘Australian marriage law is… a political anachronism’ Personally I will avoid quoting altogether in my introductions just because I feel that it doesnt really add anything to my introduction and it can sometimes end up sounding like you've just copied chunks from the article rather than actually analysing them. Pretty sure this is just a personal preference though, many people do it, just make sure you arent letting the article write the introduction for you and show that you understand ectand that the average Australian’s view of marriage has evolved into one which is don't like the "one which is phrase" odd wording I think, it breaks the nice flow of your sentence that you had going! Switch it up for "to be" more accepting and ‘enlightened’Yeah this is more how I would be quoting if you want to quote in your intro rather than quoting the contention of the article (but again, sticking this in here isn't gonna get you any marks) than the conservative views held by those of earlier generations. With a similar approach to the previous piece, a front-page article “Gay marriage ‘inevitable, Gillard tells guests” written by Jessica Wright also embraces gay marriage, employing a diplomatic, hopeful tonePersonally, I treat contention and tone in the same boat. So I will avoid directly stating "this is the tone" because to me it feels like I sound really cliché and just want to check all the needed elements off the list. Your essay is not a checklist! You want it to have all the things you need, but it should not read as if it is a giant checklist. Try and be subtle when you incorporate things like the contention and tone. For example, I will usually swap "tone" for something like approach. for its potential future legalisation. These two pieces are angled towards the educated white-collar workers who make up the majority of the readership of The Age newspaper.Give a brief overview of the image here even though there's only one image haha (You will also always want to have a paragraph included that analyses the image, so give that a go as well!

The reader’s attention is at first captured by the passionate title of the editorial. This line seems pointless unless you actually state what it is about the title that makes it passionate. Also, be very careful about how you analyse the title of an article. Usually they're pretty well thought out and they'll be there for a reason. Try and think outside the box of the writers intentions being "capturing the readers attention" because you can literally write that for every single article that you read, and I'd almost guarantee you that your teacher has read it before. If you're looking to stand out and get good marks with LA, try and be as creative as you can, it will work in your favour! Appealing to one’s sense of justice Again, the right kind of content is there, but in order to get rid of the "checkbox" feel, you need to word this differently. I'd go with something like, Targeting the reader's morals (that's the best I got at 2am hahaha) by implying the discrimination of Magda Szubanski, the unnamed author aims to arouse the reader’s sympathy, and thus position the reader to be more receptive to the editorial’ssame deal with the contention thing here. (I wont point it out after this hahaha)  Also, just in general in essays I would try and avoid using a ":" I'm not sure if that's just a me thing but when I read that it causes me to pause in my mind, and the main thing that you want to achieve with your essay if you're trying to get good marks is that you don't want awkward and unnecessary pauses in your essay. If you read what you wrote there out loud, and the compare it to "contention, that equal rights should be realised for gay citizens"(I just used that sentence as an example, it needs to be rewritten), you will notice the huge difference between the use of a comma and a ":" in terms of the pause that it creates. contention: equal rights should be realised for gay citizens. The opening anecdoteOk same deal here. Not sure if this is really the same with an anecdote but the most important thing here is LANGUAGE ANALYSIS. So cool, they've used an anecdote, but what is the language inside the anecdote that is so powerful, and what affect does that have on the reader? (This is possibly because you are in year 11, at my school in year 11 they taught us to write "technique, effect") of Szubanski’s coming out immediately engages the reader inby providing a current, real-life example to which the audience is able to relate to.You could even mention that it is a celebrity so its someone that people are going to admire ect ect. Despite the disapproving tone of the editorial, the reader is instantly absolved of personal responsibility and prevented from any defensive feelings when the author states that they are ‘more enlightened than our political leaders’. Instead the Opposition Leader is singly named, blamed and attacked.Ok this whole end bit, you're telling me all these things and not explaining why you've picked them out! Why is it that the author included them? Literally pick apart every word you choose and include things like the connotations associated with the word, what effect it aims to have on the audience ect ect. This whole article is lacking in Language Analysis itself, its more of a "technique analysis" as I said. If you start picking out the most powerful words and ripping them to shreds you will come off as really sophisticated.

Qualitative statistics are used throughout the editorial. No checklist. Quote me the statistics instead and tell me the HUGE IMPACT that such a figure has, bla bla blahh ect‘Most Australians’ are cited to ‘accept being gay as a fact of life’ and believe that ‘the meaning and standing of marriage have changed’. It is suggested that this is the social norm and proposes that anyone possesses other beliefs are out-dated and marginalised.Ok again, you need to add what this aims to do to the reader. This whole thinggggg is about the reader. She/He's trying to manipulate them to agree with them, you have to write how they do that! If it makes it a bit easier for you while you get the hang of being subtle, try limiting your quotes to 3 words max just so that you are explaining everything properly and don't get lost in the quotes. Dont think that the quotes are going to explain themselves, it is your job to analyse!!  Quantitative statistics are then used, which tangibly demonstrate the popularity of the movement for same-sex marriage legalisation.Gimmeeeeee dem quotes instead AppealsI'd avoid writing appeals ever. Explore the words themselves and what they target in the reader rather than starting with techniques. to one’s civic values are made with Australian marriage law painted as ‘a political anachronism’ and ‘undemocratic’, ruled by ‘minority religious beliefs’. You cannot quote like this and not explain the quotes! Make sure you write WHY it is included, and WHAT it aims to do to the reader. The piece concludes with an emotive appealDont ever directly write any techniques like this. Again, we're trying to avoid the checklist. Analyse the most significant words, and explain HOW they impact the reader emotionally instead. to the reader to help stop the ‘deadly harm’ and ‘oppression’ faced by gay citizens, quoting from Szubanski that ‘to be treated as less than equal is a serious issue’.

This editorial is followed up by a front-page article six days later, You already said this in the intro. In reponse to the editorial..  front page blah blah which, utilising a placid, relatively neutral tone, proposes that gay marriage is a likely possibility in the future. Jessica Wright Just say the authors full name once at the beginning of the essay and then refer to them as "last name" "The author" "The editor" ect ect appeals to the reader’s family values in presenting and quoting from the two young sons of a lesbian couple Sandy Miller and Louise Bucke, who are eager to see their mothers marry.again same deal, try and make this more language focused rather than technique focussed. Despite their young age, they argue that ‘people should be allowed to marry the person they love’.<<<< Analyse this kind of stuff rather than the "appeal". Write how the LANGUAGE creates that APPEAL. But don't write appeal or imma come hunt you down This belittles the opposition of gay marriageyess more like this! But language based! in provingOoh be careful with "proving", you cant really say that the stuff in an article is ever really proof of anything, its sort of just an argument that they twist to look like proof. I would avoid saying this probably ever that even children are more reasonable and can see more clearly. Analyse the words they use instead and you could mention things like how they use children to demonstrate the idea that its so basic that children can come up with it, literally just get creative!In contrast, the opposition to gay marriage seem narrow-minded and callous.this is really confusing hahaha Is this by the same author?  It is accompanied by a photograph which shows three same-sex couples, with the sons of a couple flanked by their mothers, demonstrating solidarity and unity in their fight for equality. Alwaysssssssssssssssss analyse the photo!!! Like devote a whole paragraph to the image, it's really important

In addition to Ms Miller and Ms Bucke, two other same-sex couples are introduced as examples of loving,through what? same-sex relationships who feel severely disadvantaged by Australian marriage law. As true accounts of real people, their stories carry weight for the reader because like the reader, they are just regular citizens of Australia. Many quotes are used as evidence, engaging the reader and providing added credibility to the article. The reader’s sense of logic and reasoning is challenged as Ms Dane, who is in a same-sex relationship, remarks that their ‘feelings of love and commitment is not different to anyone else’s’, cajoling the reader into agreement that there is no reason why gay marriage should not be legal.this whole thing needs to be swapped for "word" "connotations" "aim of word on reader"

The two pieces both have a similar contention in that gay marriage should be legalised. Whilst the editorial is an informative, judicious appeal to fairness and logic, the front-page article instead focuses on the usage of emotive appeals, with a heavy emphasis on case studies and quotes. The editorial offers a rational viewpoint which is likely to attract reasonable, open-minded citizens but may marginalise the religious due to the contrasting beliefs. In contrast, the front-page article is more likely to appeal to emotionally-sensitive, fair-minded readers. I think you'll get the conclusion better once you fix up the rest of it haha.

Also just another thing, don't be afraid to argue with what the author is trying to do. If he wrecks his credibility or screws up in some way, analyse it and show off your skills. And dont forget to be creative with your analysis.

 Good luck with it

[brenden]

Awesome stuff, darvell. Just to put in my two bob - we don't quote the author's contention because we can demonstrate our understanding better in our own words.
Also, on use of colons: I agree, be careful using them, because they can create more of a pause than you want to write, however, if you know for a fact that you want a really strong pause there because you can 'feel' your writing and know that the pause is going to really work, that's when I'd use it. (That said, that moment doesn't come along very often)

[palladium]

Thank you darvell and Brenden!! Your feedback is so helpful to me, considering that my teacher actually gave me a 18/20 for this piece, didn't offer any criticism apart from telling me to watch my expression, and even read it out to the class. But I know what I need to aim for now, so thanks for taking your time to help me.

Just out of interest, what mark would you give this? (you don't need to force yourself to read it again though, if you don't want to haha)

[darvell]

Totally welcome!
I don't know who you were asking for the mark but I have no idea when it comes to number figures :S

[Smiley_]

could i get a mark for this fixed up piece


After the release of the Gonski Review of Funding for Schooling, debate arose surrounding the need to improve schooling in Australia.  In an opinion piece published in “Entry standards for teachers are too low” published in “The Age”  on Wednesday the 24th of July, Professor Ed Byrne contends in a measured and educated approach that the entry standards for teachers need to be raised, if Australias schools system is to be improved. The piece is complemented by an accompanying cartoon from “Dyson” presents graduation hats in the air along with a Mickey Mouse face. 

Throughout his piece the writer employs a measured rationality to attempt to position the readerto believe that raising the standards for undergraduate teaching courses would benefit schools and their students.  Byrne increases his credibility when he refers to the Gonski Review of Funding and states that “excellence in teaching”.. “is important”, this  manipulates the reader to gain a sense of what would be best for the students that are currently completing their education and are about to embark on their university journey. By stating that the proportion of students gaining entry into undergraduate teaching with an ATAR of less that “70 has increased by 7 per cent” a sense of fear for our future and our students is evoked in the reader, this positions them to question the impact that this trend may have on future generations. Bryne presents himself as concerned for school leavers asserting that having a high ATAR while not a measure of “intellectual ability” is a fairly accurate representation “of their preparedness for the rigours of university study”, here he allows the reader to question whether allowing to many students with low ATARs will not only be detrimental for our school system but for the students own learning and university experience, as they will not be fully prepared for the rigours of university life. By explaining that there is a “youth bulge” a sense of urgency is evoked in the reader. That if action is not urgently taken then the education standards of  Australia's school will not rise. The credibility of the writer is extended by acknowledging the opposing viewpoints that the having a good standard of teachers graduating from the course is “more important that entry standards” .but, by stating that having higher ATARs is a “starting point” the readers is positioned to acknowledge that something must be done to prevent Australia from falling behind.

Ed Byrne continues his piece by presenting the idea that if other professionals have higher standards, this should be the same for those who are teaching our students. By using the analogy that of there being public outrage if “doctors were being admitted to university with ATARs of 40” the readers are positioned to view having low ATARS as unjust and unfair for the pupils that they would be teaching. The reader is positioned to feel as if it an injustice for high achieving students putting in more effort than their fellow students who get into the same course. A positive image of our teachers is generated when they are referred to as “important” and that they “deserve to be respected". this praise positions the reader to feel that this should continue to happen. .A series of rhetorical questions including “Do we want our children to be taught by the best and most capable teachers?” generates a feeling compassion for our children and that they should deserve better.  By ending with the strong statement that the “current trend has to be reversed” this is the last part of the article that will be reader and therefore left in the readers mind, this firms statement aims to leave no doubt in the readers mind that changes must be made to the entry standards for teachers if we want to lift Australias education system.   

The cartoon above the article contains many hats from university students being thrown in the air as the do on graduation as well as a Mickey Mouse outline. All the other hats represent the other respected professionals and university degrees. The Mickey mouse symbol signifies that teaching is “easy”. This ties in with the saying “Mickey Mouse subject”, that it is not difficult.  It is also lower than the other has reinforcing into the readers mind that teaching only requires low scores to gain entry. As Mickey mouse is a children’s cartoon and it is

Both the article and the cartoon present the idea that teaching is easy to gain entry into. The article to instil a sense of urgency into the reader regarding entry standards for teaching. The cartoon reinforces the typical image of teaching that it is easy to get into and anyone can do it.

[Limista]

could i get a mark for this fixed up piece


After the release of the Gonski Review of Funding for Schooling, debate arose surrounding the need to improve schooling in Australia.good contextualising sentence  In an opinion piece published in “Entry standards for teachers are too low” published in “The Age”  on Wednesday the 24th of July, Professor Ed Byrne contends in a measured and educated approach supply a quote to prove this tonethat the entry standards for teachers need to be raised, if Australiasapostrophe? schoolsjust write 'school' not 'schools' system is to be improved. The piece is complemented by an accompanying cartoon from “Dyson” that presents graduation hats in the air along with a Mickey Mouse face.have not mentioned target audience 

Throughout his piece the writer employs a measured rationality to attempt to position the readerto believe that raising the standards for undergraduate teaching courses would benefit schools and their students. how does he employ measured rationality? How do you know this? Where's the stimulus that gave rise to this conclusion? Byrne increasesI don't think the verb 'increases' is suitable here to describe credibility his credibility when he refers to the Gonski Review of Funding and states that “excellence in teaching”.. “is important”"excellence in teaching...is important", need for semicolon here if choose not to capitalise the 't'. Personally, I would have just used a fullstopthis  manipulatesit does not necessarily manipulate the reader. Instead, readers may feel manipulated. There is a difference. the reader to gain a sense of what would be best for the students that are currently completing their education and are about to embark on their university journey. By stating that the proportion of students gaining entry into undergraduate teaching with an ATAR of less that “70 has increased by 7 per cent”, furthermore,.....you should have used a linking word like "furthermore" here, because these statistical points need to be connected in some way to your prior analysis a sense of fear for our future and our students is evoked in the reader, full stop or semicolon requiredthis positions them to question the impact that this such atrend may have on future generations. Bryne presents himself as concerned for school leavers , as he asserts that...asserting that having a high ATAR while not a measure of “intellectual ability”is not a measure of "intellectual ability", but rather, is a fairly accurate representation “of their preparedness for the rigours of university study”, full stop here.here he allows the reader to question whether allowing toit is too many students with low ATARs will not only be detrimental for our school system, but also for... but for the studentsapostrophe own learning and university experiences, as they will not be fully prepared for the rigours of university life. As a result, the reader feels what?By explaining that there is a “youth bulge” comma a sense of urgency is evoked in the reader. a double dash would be excellent hereThat if action is not urgently taken then the education standards of  Australia's schools will not rise. The credibility of the writer is extendednice verb by acknowledging the opposing viewpoints that the having a good standard of teachers check expression. I would have rewritten this my self, but I'm not too sure how it is to be interpreted in the 1st place, as the phrasing is uncleargraduating from the course is “more important that entry standards” .but, by stating that having higher ATARs is a “starting point” the readers is positioned to acknowledge that something must be done to prevent Australia from falling behind.

Ed Byrne continues his pieceso you've adopted a chronological style to your analysis. That's great, but in my opinion, you shouldn't reference the areas of the text you are discussing. I realise you haven't pinpointed stuff explicitly, by saying things like, "in the 3rd paragraph, Byrne...". However, the phrase I have underlined can allude to something of this nature. by presenting the idea that if other professionals have higher standards, this should be the same for those who are teaching our students. Readers are inclined to ....... because of this?By using the analogy that of there being the potential forpublic outrage if “doctors were being admitted to university with ATARs of 40”comma the readers are positioned to view having low ATARS as unjust and unfair for the pupils that they would be teaching. The reader is positioned to feel as if it an injustice for highdash achieving students putting in more effort than their fellow students who get into the same course.nice. You would have really hit the mark if you stated the writer's intention appeals to justice. A positive image of our teachers is generated when they are referred to as “important” and that they “deserve to be respected". this praiseadulation is synonym positions the reader to feel that this should continue to happen.why does it position the reader to feel this way?? .A series of rhetorical questions including comma“Do we want our children to be taught by the best and most capable teachers?” generatesgenerate feelings of... a feeling compassion for our childrenfullstop. Readers feel that they... and that they should deserve better.  By ending position in text again? with the strong statement that the “current trend has to be reversed” this is the last part of the articlejust check your expression in this sentence; when you read it out loud, does it sound convoluted? that will be reader and therefore left in the readersapostrophe mind,full stop. This firm... this firms statement aims to leave no doubt in the readers mind that changes must be made to the entry standards for teachers if we want to lift Australias education system.   

The cartoon above the article contains many hats could you describe the hats, rather than just say 'hats'? from university students being thrown in the air as they is done on graduationdo on graduationcomma as well as a Mickey Mouse outline. All the other hats represent the other respected professionals and university degrees. The Mickey mouse symbol signifies that teaching is “easy”. This ties in with the saying “Mickey Mouse subject”, that it is not difficult.I had to read this sentence twice over to understand what you were trying to say. I would say something like "The Mickey mouse symbol signifies that teaching is "easy", tying in with the saying "Mickey Mouse subject", which in turn implies that something is not difficult.   It is also lower than the other ??has reinforcing into the readers mind that teaching only requires low scores to gain entry.do you think readers will be affronted because of this? Also, does this cartoon aim to debase the writer, or does it support his view? You should make this explicit somewhere in this paragraph As Mickey mouse is a children’s cartoon and it is it is........?? I haven't seen the cartoon; it may indeed be too simple for you to expand on it, but in spite of this, I would have written more about it. There isn't enough detail about the cartoon in your analysis. Because there is less detail about the cartoon, you were unable to fully describe the impact of different aspects of the cartoon on the reader, which is what we are really after.

Both the article and the cartoon present the idea that teaching is easy to gain entry into. The articleattempts to instil a sense of urgency into the reader regarding entry standards for teaching. Similarly, theThe cartoon reinforces the typical image of teaching as being easier to ...that it is easy to get into and thatanyone can do it.Summary of linguistic and visual elements you have discussed?

I think it was quite good. Obviously I'm not qualified to give it a mark. I'll leave that for someone with more expertise. However, I think that subjective feedback itself is of more use than a mere and meaningless number. If you have both a grade and feedback...well, it's a bonus! 

[Smiley_]

thanks so much !!!

[Patches]

This is for the 2011 VCAA exam piece on technology by 'Voxi'.

The degree to which the proliferation of digital technology, and its impact on the ways we work, live and think, can be controlled is a uniquely modern challenge. This peace, appearing as it does in an online journal, argues that the tide of technological advancement is inexorable, and indeed exiting; opponents of this view are thus neo-Luddites whose aversion to progress is backwards-looking and regressive.

The piece’s title creates a contrasting image of two opposing, ‘polarised’ groups alternately ‘keyed in’ and ‘keyed out’. Voxi’s descriptions are intended to paint those opposed to the ‘new’ as ‘afraid’ of being ‘dislodged’ from their ‘comfort’ zone, as opposed to the ‘excitement’ and ‘pleasure’ with which so-called digital natives step out into their ‘expanding universe.’ This juxtaposition is ostensibly sincere, but betrays a view commonly held among young people including, presumably, Voxi, that opposition to ‘new ways’ among the mostly older is fuelled more by ‘fear’ and the complacency of ‘if it works, why fix it’ than a genuine appraisal of the benefits and threats of new technology. Voxi’s exasperation with the stubborn opponents of ‘new things’ will likely resonate with a digitally active audience with first hand experiences of dealing with the technologically reluctant. By virtue of their reading an online journal the vast majority of readers are likely to share Voxi’s views; consequently he or she is free to create a stereotypical image of digital opponents which appeals to the audience without fear of alienating those dismissively described as ‘naturally afraid’ who are unlikely to be reading the piece.

Voxi’s posting, then, consists largely of justifications and flattery directed towards an audience who likely already share his or her view of the ‘exciting possibilities’ of technological advancement. The description of ‘grits in the oyster’ who ‘moved forward humanity’ summons an image of a persecuted minority in wider society who will ultimately be vindicated like ‘Copernicus, Galileo or Darwin’ who faced down opposition to the ‘radically new’ from those more ‘comfortable… with the safe and predictable.’ Voxi elevates his or her readership to a historically important ‘special few’, who early adoption and defence of innovation will ‘in time’ contribute to ‘revolutionising… the human experience.’ This indication, that Voxi understands the opposition the audience have likely encountered, invites the audience to form an allegiance amongst themselves and with the author, based on a mutually cogent understanding of the facts of new technology.

Voxi then presents a view of the as yet unrealised potential of new technologies, intended to channel the audience’s enthusiasm for the new towards ever greater ‘dreams’ of a ‘free and peaceful’ world. The presentation of technology as a panacea for the world’s problems – ‘war’, ‘violence’, hunger and the environment – once more elevates a technologically active readership to the ranks of the ‘adventurous’, themselves individually fundamental to the realisation of this dream. The choice of the term ‘dream’ would appear at odds with an exhortation of the benefits of a pragmatically utilitarian view of the potential of technology to solve serious problems. However, the term reinforces the extent to which the technologically ‘switched on’ have a personal responsibility to help the dream be realised to the greatest possible degree.

Voxi is careful to temper this endowment of the audience with historical importance by describing a range of everyday examples of the boons of embracing technology. Shopping, banking and planning have been ‘revolutionised’ by technology, and Voxi implicitly asks the audience whether they could live without these services, which have embedded themselves to such a degree in the lives of the technologically active. This question is echoed in the graphic, showing a person with a circuit board embedded in their head. At once, the image asks to what degree technology has become an intrusion into our psychology, and by way of the lines of code emanating upwards just how new technologies may allow us to reach our ever-greater potential. The description of a technologically liberated audience, freed from the shackles of the modern equivalent of ‘swinging in the trees’, is a powerful appeal to the audience to share Voxi’s pride in the imminent arrival of the future.

By calling the audience to be ‘excited’ for the arrival of the new, Voxi frees them from the ‘darkness and ignorance’ of ‘losers’ who will be cast aside into the dustbin of history. ‘The future is here now’ – and Voxi asks his or her ‘keyed in’ audience to celebrate their readiness to be a part of it.

[Limista]

This is for the 2011 VCAA exam piece on technology by 'Voxi'.

The degree to which the proliferation of digital technology, and its impact on the ways we work, live and think, can be controlled is a uniquely modern challenge.I had to read this sentence 3 times over, just to group things together, so I could understand what you were trying to say. I would have written the sentence like this instead: The degree to which the proliferation of digital technology can be controlled - its impact on the ways we work, live and think - is a uniquely modern challenge. This peacedo you mean piece?, appearing as it does in an online journal, argues that the tide of technological advancement is inexorableI haven't looked at the article myself. Is there an author of some sort? , and indeed exiting; opponents of this view are thus neo-Luddites whose aversion to progress is backwards-looking and regressive. audience? tone? supporting quote?

The piece’s title creates a contrasting image of two opposing, ‘polarised’ groupscomma alternately ‘keyed in’ and ‘keyed out’. Voxi’sso there IS an author! Why on Earth was Voxi not mentioned in the introduction of your LA? *bemused* descriptions are intended to paint those opposed to the ‘new’ as ‘afraid’ of being ‘dislodged’ from their ‘comfort’ zone, as opposed to the ‘excitement’ and ‘pleasure’ with which so-called digital natives step out into their ‘expanding universe.’ This juxtaposition is ostensibly sincerehow do you know that this juxtaposition is are 'ostensibly sincere'?, but betrays a view commonly held among young people including, presumably, Voxi, that opposition to ‘new ways’ among the mostly older ?? Why don't you write "among mostly older people"? I don't think what you wrote before was very clear. It sounded awkward. is fuelled more by ‘fear’ and the complacency of ‘if it works, why fix it’, rather... than a genuine appraisal of the benefits and threats of new technology. Voxi’s exasperation with the stubborn opponents of ‘new things’ will likely resonate with a digitally active audience with first hand experiences of dealing with the technologically reluctantthis is kind of like what you did when referring to the older people above. In this case, it fits in nicely. I don't think it worked when you tried it out above, because your sentence was already long and complex. It got to be a bit too much. . By virtue of their reading an online journalcomma the vast majority of readers are likely to share Voxi’s views; consequently he or she 'he or she' references in essays should be avoided. Substitute this with 'people'  is free to create a stereotypical image of digital opponentscomma which appeals to the audience without fear of alienating those dismissively described as ‘naturally afraid’ who are unlikely to be reading the piece.nice. Thoughts are good.

Voxi’s posting, then, consists largely of justifications and flattery directed towards an audience who likely already shares his or heryou don't know Voxi's gender? If not, then his or her is okay here. view of the ‘exciting possibilities’ of technological advancement. The description of ‘grits in the oyster’ who ‘moved forward humanity’ summons an image of a persecuted minority in wider society who will ultimately be vindicated like ‘Copernicus, Galileo or Darwin’ who faced down opposition to the ‘radically new’ from those more ‘comfortable… with the safe and predictable.’ How will readers feel because of this?Voxi elevates his or her readershipreadership? to a historically important ‘special few’, whose early adoption and defence of innovation will ‘in time’ contribute to ‘revolutionising… the human experience.’ This indication, that Voxi understands the opposition the audience have likely encountered, invites the audience to form an allegiance amongst themselves and with the author, based on a mutually cogent understanding of the facts of new technology.!!! nice

Voxi then presents a view of theof the what? as yet unrealised potential of new technologiesdid you forget to type in a word here?, intended to channel the audience’s enthusiasm for the newfor the new what..? for the new generation? towards ever greater ‘dreams’ of a ‘free and peaceful’ world. The presentation of technology as a panacea for the world’s problems – ‘war’, ‘violence’, hunger and the environment – once more elevates a technologically active readership to the ranks of the ‘adventurous’, themselves individually fundamental to the realisation of this dreamwho is 'themselves'? This sentence is not clear.. The choice of the term ‘dream’ would appear at odds with an exhortation of the benefits of a pragmatically utilitarian view verbose. Reads exhaustedly.of the potential of technology to solve serious problems. However, the term reinforces the extent to which the technologically ‘switched on’ have a personal responsibility to help the dream be realised to the greatest possible degree.this affects readers how?

Voxi is careful to temper this endowment of the audiencewow.  with historical importance by describing a range of everyday examples of the boons of embracing technologywow again  . Shopping, banking and planning have been ‘revolutionised’ by technology, and Voxi implicitly asks the audience whether they could live without these services, which have embedded themselves to such a degree in the lives of the technologically active. This question is echoed in the graphic, showing a person with a circuit board embedded in their head.nice so far!!!! At once, the image asks to what degree technology has become an intrusion into our psychologyyou could also say 'At first glance, the image asks...of the reader, and by way of the lines of code emanatingerroneous use of verb. Emanate is used in the context where heat is released or something along these lines. upwards just how new technologies may allow us to reach our ever-greater potential. The description of a technologically liberated audience, freed from the shackles of the modern equivalent of ‘swinging in the trees’having not read the article in question, I'm just letting you know that I don't understand what you mean here., is a powerful appeal to the audience to share Voxi’s pride in the imminentwhen used in this context, the word 'imminent' appears to be awkward and out of place. As opposed to making you appear sophisticated and knowledgeable, its usage here has the opposite effect (in my opinion) arrival of the future.

By callingI think 'encouraged' would be better here the audience to be ‘excited’ for the arrival of the newof the new what?, Voxi frees them from the ‘darkness and ignorance’ of ‘losers’ who will be cast aside into the dustbin of history. ‘The future is here now’ – no double dash required.and Voxi asks his or her ‘keyed in’ audience to celebrate their readiness to be a part of it.Well I think this was excessive quoting for a conclusion. Also, maybe you could have included some of the linguistic elements explored from the article (in a summary format of course).

Hi Patches,
               hopefully you find the feedback useful. I've bolded some of the things you might want to take a look at again. 

[Smiley_]

Hi I would love any feedback on my piece because I know that I am not doing well.
On my last piece my teacher gave me a 3.
Please help I need to do much better than that!!



Here is the article

http://www.theage.com.au/comment/how-young-people-are-sucked-in-by-raunch-culture-20130827-2so9s.html


In response to year 11 student, Olympia Nelson comments on sexuality in the media, Lee Burton on the 28th of August discuss the “raunch culture” present is today’s society. Burton uses measured and calm stance and her position as a media educator and researcher on the influence of pornography on young people, to position her intended audience of educators, young people and the media, that our community should have more education on the sexualised images in the media. A photograph published together with the opinion piece supports Burton’s view through the use of “The Pussycat Dolls” and their sexualised poses and outfits.

Throughout her piece, Lee Burton employs a measured rationality in an attempt to position the reader to acknowledge that “sexy pics” can be harmful to a child or teenagers personal wellbeing. By stating that young people are “digitally adept” a positive image is created of young people, this attempts to soothe younger people in to submission but also to allow other readers to view young people as more than just irresponsible and immature children.  A sense of fear is evoked in the reader through the suggestion that “children as young a 12 are taking and distributing sexy images” this positions the readers question the values that the media is presenting and if this is something that parents what to continue for their children. Utilising the emotive “graphic photos” and “poses that amount to pornography” the reader’s sense of values is appealed to. This characterising of the images allows the reader to gain an understanding of the magnitude of the situation. The magnitude of the situation is again presented when Burton explains that young people are continually exposed to sexually explicit material through the “video games they pay, magazines they read and the movies” highlighting how widespread the issue is. The substantial  number of ways for children to view these images creates a sense of urgency in the reader to position them in favour of the writers contention.

Towards the denouement of the piece, Burton puts forth her suggestion that education about the sexuality in the media will help children become more critical.  The writer aims to present herself in a positive light through her suggestion that it is “much better”, than the current state of affairs. Her suggestion is to “train teachers to help students analyse “raunch” culture”. When Burton explains that this will be done by focusing of the “stories, symbols and stereotypes” the audience is presented with a measured solution, which aims to instil a sense of urgency into the reader that something needs to be done for future generations. The positive image of the writer is continued by explaining that the pictures that are sent can damage “their reputations, wellbeing and relationships”  this presents the writer as caring and looking out for the younger generation. The writer is also positioned to question if this is something that they want for their children. By stating that “media and literacy is an essential skill” the reader is positioned to feel as if they would be benefitted if their children were to develop this skill. Through ending the piece by likening giving young people the knowledge about sexual images to “drug and alcohol education” a similarity is drawn as the population is aware of the harm that can come about if people are not education about drugs and sex. By appealing to the readers sense of safety, the writer aims to postion them in favour of her contention in regard to Australias “raunch culture”.

Accompanying the article is a photo of the six singers “The Pussycat Dolls”  dressed in mini shorts and bare midriffs. This image highlight how celebrities, which young children and adults look up to dress up in a sexual manner. Just like in Burton articles the women have “hugely enlarged lips and breast and minimal clothing, posed with hands on hips” portraying how widespread this issue is.  None of the women in the photo are overweight; in fact they are skinny reinforcing how important it is for children to be critical to what they se in the media.

Both Lee Burtons opinion piece and the photograph are designed to shock the reader and to leave them feeling as if education is needed to help rectify this situation. The opinion pieces rationality and suggestions present the issue as one that can be rectified  through learning how to critique these images on adds or music clips. The image gives the reader a visual picture of the scale of the issue showing how future generations will be affect if this trend is to continue. As indicated by these responses , the issue is certain to provoke further discussion due to its impact on the health of Australia’s children.

[Limista]

http://www.theage.com.au/comment/how-young-people-are-sucked-in-by-raunch-culture-20130827-2so9s.html


In response to a year 11 student, Olympia Nelson comments on sexuality in the media,and Lee Burton on the 28th of August discusses the “raunch culture” present is today’s society. Burton uses ameasured and calm stance and quote to prove this tone?. her Herposition as a media educator and researcher on the regarding theinfluence of pornography on young people, to positions her intended audience of educators, young people and the mediato believe, that our community should have more education be better educated on the sexualised images in the media. A photograph published together with the opinion piece supports Burton’s view through the use of “The Pussycat Dolls” and their sexualised poses and outfits. , who are lewdly characterised.Also publication source being "The Age" was not mentioned.

Throughout her piece, Lee Burton employs a measured rationality in an attempt to position the reader to acknowledge that “sexy pics” can be harmful to a child or teenager's personal wellbeing.How do you know that her tone is one of measured rationality? By stating that young people are “digitally adept” a positive image is created of young people; this attempts to soothe younger people in to intosubmission, but also to allows other readers to view young people as more than just irresponsible and immature childrenexceeding the narrow-minded stereotype of immaturity.  A sense of fear is evoked in the reader through the suggestion that “children as young as 12 are taking and distributing sexy images”. This this positions the readers toquestion the values that the media is presenting presented by the media ~ use passive a little more. It gives your writing more authorityand if this is something that parents what to continue for their children. In the same manner, parents are also asked to question whether this is something they want for their children.Utilising the emotive “graphic photos” and “poses that amount to pornography”, the reader’s sense of values is appealed toI'd like to point out that different readers have different 'values'. What is a value to one reader may be dismissed by another. As a result, I think you'd be better off alluding to the fact that morality is appealed to, in this instance.. This characterising of the images allows the reader to gain an understanding of the magnitude of the situation.how so? How do I know what the magnitude of the situation is? How do I know that this issue is widespread? Tell me specifically how these images are characterised; you are supposed to be doing the complete analysis, not leaving half of it for the marker. The magnitude of the situation is again presented reinforcedwhen Burton explains that young people are continually exposed to sexually explicit material through the “video games they play, magazines they read and the movies”, highlighting how widespread the issue is. The substantial  number of ways for children to view these images creates a sense of urgency in the reader to position them in favour of the writer's contention. this sounds so cliché.

Towards the denouementmentioning of position in the article is discouraged. Besides, is its position really necessary? Does it really matter WHERE she says what? No. It matters HOW and WHY she says it. of the piece, Burton puts forth her suggestion that education about the sexuality in the media will help children become more criticalof what?.  The writer aims to present herself in a positive light through her suggestion that itwhat is this 'it'? is “much better”, than the current state of affairs. Her suggestionOn reading this, I understand what you meant by the prior sentence. You mean that her suggestion is better than what is going on now. I fumbled with the meaning of what you were trying to say in this last sentence. It was not expressed adequately. is to “train teachers to help students analyse “raunch” culture”. When Burton explains that this will be done by focusing of onthe “stories, symbols and stereotypes”, the audience is presented with a measured reasonablesolutionhow exactly do these "stories, symbols and stereotypes" position readers to feel a sense of urgency? Why does giving a solution result in urgency? Shouldn't it result in tranquillity, because something is being done to eradicate the problem? This point about the urgency would have been fine, had you justified it., which aims to instil a sense of urgency into the reader that something needs to be done for future generations. The positive image of the writer is continued by explaining that the pictures that are sent can damage “their reputations, wellbeing and relationships”I still don't understand why I should be viewing the writer in a credible way? What exactly is it that makes her likeable? Is it that her tone is interlaced with one of assurance and authority, through the logic portrayed in her arguments? Is it the fact that she is detached from an emotional outlook, and is dealing with things in a pragmatic and objective way?   This presents the writer as caring and looking out for the younger generationso THIS is why we like her. Because she is sensitive. You need to explicitly state this.. The writerdo you mean reader? is also positioned to question if this is something that they want for their children. By stating that “media and literacy is an essential skill”, the reader is encouraged to ruminate over whether they would also be benefitted, had their children developed this skill. From this, one can ascertain that self-interest is appealed to.positioned to feel as if they would be benefitted if their children were to develop this skill. Through ending the piece by likening giving ?? young people the knowledge about sexual images to “drug and alcohol education”, a similarity is drawn with what?as the population is aware of the harm that can come about if people are not education about drugs and sex. By appealing to the reader's sense of safety, the writer aims to postion them in favour of her contention cliché again inwith regard to Australia's “raunch culture”.

Accompanying the article is a photo of the six singers “The Pussycat Dolls”  dressed in mini shorts and ,sportingbare midriffs. This image highlight how celebrities, which young children and adults look up to, dress up in a sexual mannerWe know it's sexual because they are semi-naked. You might want to point this out.. Just like in Burton's articles, the women have “hugely enlarged lips and breasts and minimal clothing, posed with hands on hips” portraying how widespread this issue ishow did you link their semi-nakedness to the magnitude of the issue? I don't understand this..  None of the women in the photo are overweight; in fact, they are skinny, reinforcing how important it is for children to be critical toof what they see in the media. because they are skinny, why are children then more critical? I don't understand the logic here.

Both Lee Burton's opinion piece and the photograph are designed to shock the reader and to leave them feeling as if education is needed to help rectify this situation. The opinion piece's rationality and suggestions present the issue as one that can be rectified,  through learning how to critique these images on adds or music clips. The image gives the reader a visual picture of the scale? I don't think this is the right word of the issue, showing how future generations will be affected if this trend is to continue. As indicated by these responses , the issue is certain to provoke further discussion due to its impact on the health of Australia’s children.

Honestly, I was waiting to see whether someone else would give this a shot, considering I've already given my opinion on one of your prior pieces.

Anyway, hope this is helpful!