Language Analysis Engage Education – (The article is located in this link at the bottom -
http://engageeducation.org.au/engagedownloads/Practice%20Exams/2014/English/Practice%20Exam.pdf)
A Good Apple Rotten at the Core
David Bradlow performed his speech ‘A Good Apple, Rotten at the Core’ at a Public Speaking Competition called ‘Social Fury’, designed to encourage (encourage?
Use something more powerful like urges) VCE students to prepare a speech or listen to their peers. Bradlow utilised a concoction of tones throughout his speech, varying from humourous, condemning and sadness to express his point of view that Apple products are a global hazard (
this sounds a bit awkward in terms of tone), and members of society whom influx(
again, a bit awkward, something like ‘who unconsciously’ sounds better since it shows you’re understanding that the writer views them as essentially mindless zombies to purchase the product) are encouraging Apple to take advantage of the poor.
In terms of introduction:
• You’ve got some key points needed like tone
• Not enough emphasis on Audience, emphasise why the Audience is there?
• You’ve addressed the issue at heart, which is good
• A key weakpoint, not enough powerful language that immediately drew me in as a reader.
• A more powerful opening would be:
o David Bradlow, a X (whatever his profession), makes no apology for his criticism of technology giant Apple and their contribution to a ‘include a quote from the article’ in his speech for a Public Speaking Competition.
o Rough, but some ideas.
• You need to be specific with tone and give me direct quotes, for example: His initial humorous and satirical tone as he highlights ‘insert quote’ is complemented by a fervent dismay as he emphasizes Apples ability to worsen socioeconomic dichotomies.
• Where is a brief mention of the image? Write something at the end for it.
Bradlow begins his speech utilizing humor by opening his speech with have you ever ‘forgotten your phone’ before, stating that he has and rushes to the bathroom to ‘hyperventilate.’
(power, use more powerful language, you’re got the bare bones here, but if you want to woo your examiner start with something like ‘Bradlow immediately aligns himself with the latter younger generation as he humorously reminds the, about ‘forgertt[ing] their phone’)With an effect of immediacy
(this sounds a bit awkward, pick another word), members of the audience would feel a sense of rapport with the Bradlow in agreeing about this common issue. Bradlow expresses the universal dependence on phones where he says ‘God forbid I look outside to check the weather,’ inviting the audience to laugh with him about this prevalent struggle
(good work here 
). Bradlow says he owns a ‘dyslexic antique,’ which is laced with the underlying statement that all phones that aren’t ‘super hybrid-technology(iPhones)’ should be on ‘life support,’ further engaging the audience to proactively listen to the speaker
(okay, excellent use of quotes but use more powerful language once again). Bradlow then issues a solution – ‘why don’t I just buy an iPhone,’ allowing the audience members who would probably have an iPhone in their ‘pocket right now’ to feel a sense of pride in their ownership of their iPhones. Adhering to the upcoming ‘release of the iPhone 5,’ Bradlow states that it will ‘trigger another Apple tidal wave,’ creating a metaphor for the audience that is loaded with negative connotation, forcing the reader to reevaluate the purchasing of an iPhone 5 due to the destruction it brings
(pretty good here but I would have started off with ‘In an adroit ploy Bradlow prevents a solution that would seem nonsensical to reject……but then juxtaposes this against….which causes keen technology users to reevaluate their decisions).
In arguing that the creation of the iPhone is a detriment to society, Bradlow engages the audience by telling a story about the ‘life cycle of the iPhone,’ appealing to the audience through general interest. The speaker unifies the audience by saying ’In 2011, 72,300,000 people purchased an iPhone’ providing a vivid picture for the audience of the masses that hold this piece of technology and aid in degradation of the planet. Bradlow shifts his tone to an aggravated, accusing tone as he begins to tell the ‘story’ of the ‘iPhone.’
(this is good) Bradlow positions the audience like a fly on a wall to adhere
(I don’t get this?) to the ‘challenges’ of the ‘Democratic Republic of Congo,’ forcing the reader to listen and sympathise with the ethnicity. Bradlow states that Apple initiate ‘mining’ in ‘the world’s Coltan reserves’ in Congo, ‘trigger[ing] guerrilla warfare,’ provoking the audience to widen their eyes and change their opinion on the highly praised piece of technology. Bradley creates context
(I don’t think this is the best thing to say ‘creates context’ sounds awkward and out of place) when he says ‘Steve Jobs built his empire’ and that ‘man was a creature of mercenary self-interest’ infuriating
(infuriating and sadness, I think maybe a better choice would be, this succinct description serves not only to bolster the audience’s disdain for Apple but simultaneously elicits disdain from tech-savvy VCE students) the audience to express sadness and take action for social equality and justice in Congo. Bradley incorporates an image on the opening slide of his PowerPoint of the Apple Logo filled out by modern buildings, juxtaposing the massive
(substantial) differences between the warfare encapsulated Congo and the economic-thriving Apple, alluding to the title of the speech ‘A Good Apple, Rotten at the Core.’ Bradley’s incorporation of this image allows the audience to bear witness to the ‘profit-motivated company[‘s]’ vision whilst taking advantage of those helpless around the world
(good use of image here).Bradlow employs a microscope
(perhaps, Bradley’s disdain sets in rigorous analysis he conducts as he investigates actions in China) over China where ‘Apples processing plants are,’ and attempts to make it well known as to ‘what is happening in China,’ inviting the interest of the audience. Bradlow’s utilization of evidence in saying that ’43.2% of their state rivers are classified as unsuitable for human contact’ and ‘the pollution in China is so toxic it kills over 750,000 citizens every year,’ provides the audience with raw facts
(not raw facts but statistics) of the detriment Apple is in China, saddening the audience and forcing them to rethink whether Apple is a ‘moral hazard.’ Bradlow furthers into the individual lives of ‘Foxconn Employees
(those who manufacture iPhones)’ who ‘produce $17,910 worth of iPhones .. every minute,’ ’11 times the amount a Foxconn employee makes every year,’ leading to ‘eighteen Foxconn workers attempt[ing] suicide.’
(too many quotes in one sentence and seems very forced and is not very coherent here) Whilst Bradlow vehemently condemns the mistreatment of Foxconn workers, the audience would be infuriated and feel obligated to take action to create a change for equality
(good work). These ‘hidden truths of an iPhone’s lifecycle’ force the reader to compare the ‘loss of human life for the sake of a phone,’ ridiculing the audience, striking change in their behaviour and attitudes towards encouraging Apple to ‘be sitting on a glacial sum of money’ by exploiting workers, forcing them to question their own conduct
(again, good work here ).
Bradley argues that ‘customer loyalty’ in Americans in needing the ‘latest technology’ is creating ‘moral hazards’ of owning an iPhone. Bradley states
(does he just state? Or was there some force behind it? What was the emotion involved? Tell me!) that ‘whenever apple releases a new product,’ society will feel the need to go and purchase a new iPhone. This creates an identity in the audience, being able to say whether or not they are apart of this reckless group, polarizing the au dience
(I’m not sure what this means, perhaps rethink this sentence through). Among the ‘steady stream of new iPhones appearing,’ Bradley connotes that ’36,750,000 iPhones’ were ‘discarded’ to become ‘waste.’ This invites the reader to realize the mass atrocities that exist as a result of brand loyalty, becoming a major disadvantage to society, and the simple language use of discarded is implying to the audience that this is negative behaviour. Bradley adheres to the negative consequences of this comportment in saying due to iPhones becoming ‘waste product’
(this stuff forms a really great analysis) after the expiration of each iPhone generation, ‘pregnant women [in Guiyi] are six times more likely to miscarry,
’(this quote looks a bit forced) forcing the audience to adhere to the devastation that is caused in the lives of the unheard, creating shock value and forcing a change in behaviour.
Bradley condemns Apple for lying to the members of the audience – that the latest ‘miracle of technology was born from the loaded guns of Congo,’ creating a sense of realization about the presence of warfare in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Bradley condemns Apple for their encouraging of the ‘toxic smog of China,’ ‘corner cutting’ and exploitation of ‘cheap labour’ just for their simple ‘moral sacrifice.’ This invites the audience to unify in vilifying Apple for their ‘shameful irresponsibility’ and ‘environmental negligence,’ causing the audience to reevaluate whether they will buy an Apple product ever again. Towards the end of the speech, Bradley exhibits a tonal change to humourous again
(don’t be so explicit with how tone changes, let the sentence flow, maybe something like ‘Adopting a rather humorous tone…’), telling the audience to ‘peer into your own reflection on the super sharp screen’ and ‘ask Siri where she really comes from.’ Such an ending
effectively persuades (PLEASE DO NOT SAY THIS!)the audience of Bradley’s contention, and the humourous remark has a simple ring to it that would stick with the audience, allowing them to further rethink the harm of Apple after the conclusion of Bradley’s speech.
(This paragraph was good but felt unnecessary and seemed like a repeat of what you had said. You could have added more chunk to your other bodies by incorporating those quotes there, instead of making a new paragraph)Bradley utilizes a number of different tones and techniques to condemn the operation of Apple. Bradley
effectively persuades the audience in exemplifying the detrimental effects of the iPhone proliferation, and invites the audience to rethink their purchase of the ‘iPhone 5 in the next few months.’
(Short, sharp and sweet)
• Time: 46 minutes on the computer.
What went well:
- Heaps of use of quotes, which for the main part where pretty well placed
- You definitely have a lot of words and depth
- You tend to have some really good analysis
What you need to improve on:
- Greater focus on the image
- More powerful language and introduction
Also you need to write less in the exam so be wise with time! I’d give this essay a 6/10
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