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Eagerious

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Upcoming
« on: January 29, 2015, 10:07:01 am »
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You’re
« Last Edit: January 05, 2018, 02:22:21 pm by Eagerious »

nat_1577

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Re: Upcoming English Oral Speech
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2015, 11:45:00 am »
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I think it's pretty good so far - I'm not the best at critiquing work, but I'll try give you my opinion.

Firstly, I think it needs to be longer. I'm not sure if they've changed the criteria for the speech this year, but when I did it it was expected that you do around 7 minutes (shorter ones were allowed, but I don't think you could go too far below that), and I had about 1,300 words in my speech.

Also, I think you might need a slightly more emotive approach. The rhetorical question at the end - What makes it right that the law can execute the man? Is this not the same thing? - is a good example. There's a lot of big blocks of facts/specific info, which is good, but I think it needs to be balanced out a bit more with the emotion.

If you like I can post you the script I used for my speech last year (I got full marks for it).

Eagerious

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Re: Upcoming English Oral Speech
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2015, 12:12:02 pm »
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Sure, yes please. THanks

nat_1577

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Re: Upcoming English Oral Speech
« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2015, 12:34:09 pm »
+2
Here you go - it's on plain cigarette packaging:


If I could choose the perfect adjective to describe cigarettes, I’d go with “deadly”. Each cigarette is smoked with the knowledge of an unclear future; and with each one smoked, it becomes harder to stop. Its time we as a society combatted the social disease smoking really is; we need to scale back the attraction of smoking in favour of peoples lives.

As of 2012, Australia introduced a new method of anti-tobacco campaigning, one that is at the forefront of reducing the number of smokers in Australia - plain cigarette packaging. With both the UK and New Zealand showing interest in adopting this new form of combat, plain packaging could easily expand into other significant nations, and become a wide-spread, recognised form of anti-cigarette campaigning. We cannot remain complicit bystanders when a real resolution is in our hands.  I’m here to convince you why this should occur, and why plain cigarette packaging could be the answer to further reducing the plague of tobacco smoking in the world.

Shockingly, the packaging of the past was bright, glossy, attractive - it showed nothing to hint at the danger lurking within. All in all, it added to the appeal in the eye’s of smokers, and to those considering starting this dangerous act. Plain cigarette packaging is the exact opposite; the bright, glossy colours are replaced by a dull, nondescript background and, most importantly, a large-scale, graphic image of any one of the many health complications brought on by smoking. Aided by these gruesome images, plain packaging mainly aims to deter potential smokers, such as teens, from ever choosing this path.

So why is it so important to take this no-nonsense approach to cigarette packaging? Well, According to Collins & Lapsley, in 2004 to 2005 smoking was behind 14 times as many deaths as alcohol, and 17 times more than the deaths due to illicit drug use. If it could beat the numbers resulting from an illegal source, then why is smoking often treated so lightly? Recent studies have shown that around 480,000 people die every year from smoke related diseases. It has the potential to cause not just harm, but fatal harm. People say the same about drink driving; you could crash, you could kill yourself. Well what about smoking then? You could smoke - and then, years later, you could wake up with lung cancer, or kidney failure, or emphysema, or any of the many smoke-related diseases.

To top that all off, passive smoking comes into play - and it clashes with the arguments sometimes raised that smoking is a “personal” and “private” decision. After all, it stops being both of those things when it develops the potential to harm innocent bystanders. Plain packaging uses these deadly consequences as a graphic wake-up call. With one glance at the box, any positive connotations are removed, and smoking is placed into a whole new context. With each cigarette, the repercussions are no longer a vague possibility, something that ‘could’ happen; instead, their own possible futures are staring them in the face.

Now you might have heard the false counter claims that plain packaging is having no impact on tobacco use. Indeed, a spokesperson of British American Tobacco Australia, or BATA, Scott McIntyre, has said that there has been “no initial impact”, and that plain packaging “is not working”. Now, I want to remind you that plain cigarette packaging has only been in use for a short amount of time - just a little over a year. Expecting a complete change would be like hoping for a miracle. The so called ‘experts’ that analyse and draw these conclusions should realise that any measures to reduce addiction are part of a gradual process of change. Numerous studies have shown that progression has been made in regards to plain packaging, and this plethora of evidence is something I will be touching on later. Groups like BATA have an agenda - they are prepared to gamble with peoples lives in order to drive up the profits of tobacco growers and cigarette companies. It is clearly apparent the only opposition to plain packaging seems to stem from pro tobacco lobbyists. When viewed in this light, doesn’t it seem like a desperate attempt to preserve what’s best for them? These people care only for material gain, and not for human lives.


Contrary to the unfounded opinion of pro-tobacco lobbyists like Scott McIntyre, continual emerging evidence has shown that plain packaging definitely deserves our applause. An early study published by BMJ Open found that cigarettes were viewed as being of “poorer quality” when in plain cigarette packaging, in comparison to the previous branded packages. This is wholly understandable, considering how gruesome and off-putting the images on the packaging can be; it can’t be enjoyable carrying such grotesque visuals around in pockets and purses. Emily Howard, an ex-smoker, has stated that, “one of the main reasons [I quit] was seeing those pictures”. And there’s more; since plain packaging was introduced, calls to Quitline jumped to 30% at around the same time. How can the Tobacco Lobbyists possibly say that plain packaging is making no difference when there is obvious evidence to support its existence? Perhaps these lack of results stem from their own delusional minds as they continue to see what they want to see, rather than what is the glaring truth. Plain packaging is something new, something that hasn't been tried before. No longer are we trying to force the outcome. We have the research, and common sense to know that increased taxes make cigarettes harder to obtain; and that anti-smoking advertisements come and go from time to time. These have powerful short term impact, but fall short of long term gain. Plain packaging, on the other hand, isn’t there to fool. The only images we see are there to inform smokers of exactly what will happen to them, and encourage them to make their own decisions. These are decisions that they will be happy with, and ones that will, most likely, prove to last.

Considering the vast difference plain packaging has already made on Australia’s tobacco consumption rates, imagine what it could do if it were to spread internationally. Yes, there are other forms of packaging - and yes, they too are effective. But why is it so wrong to add another kind into the mix - what could it possibly do? Reduce tobacco consumption rates? Lower death rates? Tobacco is not something to be joking around with - it is a killer. By adopting plain packaging, aren’t we only strengthening our chance of victory in the war against smoking? I doubt smoking can be completely eradicated, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have ways of drastically reducing the severity of the problem. Earlier on, I gave you a statistic - 480,000 people that die each year from smoking. This statistic represents real, human lives - human lives like yours and mine. Is it fair to say that plain packaging isn’t doing enough, when it is clearly making a difference? Who has the right to decide how many lives need to be saved before plain packaging can be declared worthy? Help can never be considered too ‘small’ when it relates to the preservation of human life.

Now that you know the facts, make up your mind - will you allow yourself to be deluded by the nonsensical claims of pro Tobacco Lobbyists? Or will you make the right decision, and see plain packaging for what it really is - something that is moving us closer to being the victors in this tobacco-fuelled battle. Smoking is something that needs to be addressed immediately. It’s too late when you’re looking in the mirror, and this is what is staring back at you (point to plain packaging images on slide). We need to take a stand now, and plain packaging will help us do this.

Eagerious

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Re: Upcoming English Oral Speech
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2015, 02:43:59 pm »
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Thanks, what was your overall study score at the end of the year?

nat_1577

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Re: Upcoming English Oral Speech
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2015, 03:51:42 pm »
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47 :)

Eagerious

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Re: Upcoming English Oral Speech
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2015, 11:32:46 pm »
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Damn, you must have aced the atar xD

Eagerious

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Re: Upcoming English Oral Speech
« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2015, 11:39:47 pm »
0
So, i made a few changes and things. I'm still yet to incoporate emotive language, can you suggest some places I could try put them in? Thanks : - )

Our world is home to a great number of notorious criminals who have committed heinous acts and undoubtedly/undisputedly should be punished for their actions. There are several forms of punishment for criminals including: imprisonment, probation, restitution and the infamous death penalty, which is the one I will be speaking to you about today. A man’s life rests in the decision of a judge or jury, the single word “guilty” can potentially mean the ending of a life. A judge follows four prime factors in determining what the suitable punishment for the offender is. These factors are: the amount of loss to the victims, whether a weapon was used to commit the crime, the age/helplessness of the victims and prior offences before the crime. Capital Punishment should not still exist in any countries in today’s world, despite having benefits including the safety and vengeance factor. The reasons for this form of punishment should be abolished.
As you all know in recent news media that Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran lives are hanging in the balance of their clemency pleas. If they are unsuccessful they will be executed as early as next month (current date 28/1/2015). Unfortunately, the country they wanted to export the 8.3 kilograms of Heroin from was Indonesia. Indonesia is one of 25 countries in the world that choose to use capital punishment as a method of sentencing a criminal. Other countries that also do this include: China, Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia and the US have the highest rates on carrying out the death penalty.
Media debates such as the Bali 9 execution often arise because of the speculation that occurs over whether capital punishment should still exist in today’s society. Such cases that sparked much attention include the recent decision to execute insane man Scott Panetti.
A countless number of factors can be argued in whether or not capital punishment should still exist. However, the key points that I believe we should focus on are the deterrence factor, morality factor, economic factor and the social factors that are faced. These factors can be seen differently by every person and views may not be the same. However, today I am here to explain why the death penalty should be abolished worldwide.
ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union) states that there is no credible evidence that the death penalty actually deters crime more effectively than long terms of imprisonment. So I ask why bother ending someone’s life when it hasn’t been proven that it will deter future criminals. Studies have been shown that the majority of criminals do not consider the consequences of their actions when committing the crime. Harsh punishments will not stop them; crimes are driven usually by social and economic factors. Another interesting statistic that supports this is that ever since Canada’s decision to remove capital punishment, it has been reported that the murder rates have dropped significantly 44% to be exact.
Morality is another factor that people like to consider when discussing the death penalty. For example, a man is charged with first degree murder. What makes it right that the law can execute the man? Is this not the same thing?  Sure, the death penalty provides retribution to the victims’ family and friends but it doesn’t really change anything, their beloved family member is still gone and killing the accused will not change anything to bring them back.
Most people believe that capital punishment is a much more cost efficient method rather than sending someone to prison for their entire life. However, from the date they are given the death penalty in court there execution date may be as far as 20 years away. A graph from the Bureau of Justice Statistics shows that, the number of months before an execution is being carried, is increasing. In 1985, it took on average 71 months for an execution to carry out. In more recent times, 2011 it shows on average cases took 198 months before proceeding. That’s an average of nearly 17 years, almost tripling the amount of months. Is it really worth the wait of potentially a 17 year wait period, before the actual execution to carry out? Many people do not even consider the amount of legal costs from the countless number of hearings, trials, pleas, appeals. Justice for All estimates that roughly each death penalty case can roughly cost through legal proceedings roughly is about $1.2 million to $3.6 million before the actual execution carries out.
Finally, the last issue that I’ll discuss is the social issues that capital punishment faces and how it coincides with the length to carry out an execution. A man’s life is valuable and every step must be taken to try and save their life. To date in the United States there have been in total of 142 known cases where wrongfully accused people have been sentenced to death and killed. Later evidence from DNA showing they were not guilty. This sole reason is enough to hold a case for a long period of before execution in today’s society. Furthermore, the longer the case last for the more expensive it gets because the constitution complex and long judicial process that occurs in all executions these days.
To conclude, capital punishment should not exist anymore in countries because it raises many issues which take time to solve and statistics are yet to prove an actual deterrence in a crime.


M_BONG

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Re: Upcoming English Oral Speech
« Reply #8 on: January 30, 2015, 12:52:24 am »
0
I am posting this comment here so I can get back to you when I have time!


At first glance (literally 30 seconds) I say you are doing a good job. I like the analysis, effective but unobtrusive rhetorical questions. I also like the hypothetical examples!

vox nihili

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Re: Upcoming English Oral Speech
« Reply #9 on: January 30, 2015, 02:03:40 am »
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Haven't got a lot of time to take a really thorough look at it, but the best quick piece of advice I can give you is to write it like a speech, not an essay. You can tell straight off that you haven't really been saying the speech as you're going along because you've got punctuation that simply doesn't exist in speech such as "undoubtedly/undisputedly".
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Eagerious

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Re: Upcoming English Oral Speech
« Reply #10 on: January 30, 2015, 08:13:36 pm »
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Yeah cheers lads for the advice : ) Will try change it up to make it sound more like a speech. I might try and format the speech again to make it seem more like nat's one he wrote, cuz yeah i get what you mean it sounds like an essay : )

vox nihili

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Re: Upcoming English Oral Speech
« Reply #11 on: January 31, 2015, 03:57:43 pm »
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Yeah cheers lads for the advice : ) Will try change it up to make it sound more like a speech. I might try and format the speech again to make it seem more like nat's one he wrote, cuz yeah i get what you mean it sounds like an essay : )

It's something that everyone does first draft, so I wouldn't fret about it or anything :)
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Splash-Tackle-Flail

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Re: Upcoming English Oral Speech
« Reply #12 on: January 31, 2015, 10:24:52 pm »
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Here you go - it's on plain cigarette packaging:


If I could choose the perfect adjective to describe cigarettes, I’d go with “deadly”. Each cigarette is smoked with the knowledge of an unclear future; and with each one smoked, it becomes harder to stop. Its time we as a society combatted the social disease smoking really is; we need to scale back the attraction of smoking in favour of peoples lives.

As of 2012, Australia introduced a new method of anti-tobacco campaigning, one that is at the forefront of reducing the number of smokers in Australia - plain cigarette packaging. With both the UK and New Zealand showing interest in adopting this new form of combat, plain packaging could easily expand into other significant nations, and become a wide-spread, recognised form of anti-cigarette campaigning. We cannot remain complicit bystanders when a real resolution is in our hands.  I’m here to convince you why this should occur, and why plain cigarette packaging could be the answer to further reducing the plague of tobacco smoking in the world.

Shockingly, the packaging of the past was bright, glossy, attractive - it showed nothing to hint at the danger lurking within. All in all, it added to the appeal in the eye’s of smokers, and to those considering starting this dangerous act. Plain cigarette packaging is the exact opposite; the bright, glossy colours are replaced by a dull, nondescript background and, most importantly, a large-scale, graphic image of any one of the many health complications brought on by smoking. Aided by these gruesome images, plain packaging mainly aims to deter potential smokers, such as teens, from ever choosing this path.

So why is it so important to take this no-nonsense approach to cigarette packaging? Well, According to Collins & Lapsley, in 2004 to 2005 smoking was behind 14 times as many deaths as alcohol, and 17 times more than the deaths due to illicit drug use. If it could beat the numbers resulting from an illegal source, then why is smoking often treated so lightly? Recent studies have shown that around 480,000 people die every year from smoke related diseases. It has the potential to cause not just harm, but fatal harm. People say the same about drink driving; you could crash, you could kill yourself. Well what about smoking then? You could smoke - and then, years later, you could wake up with lung cancer, or kidney failure, or emphysema, or any of the many smoke-related diseases.

To top that all off, passive smoking comes into play - and it clashes with the arguments sometimes raised that smoking is a “personal” and “private” decision. After all, it stops being both of those things when it develops the potential to harm innocent bystanders. Plain packaging uses these deadly consequences as a graphic wake-up call. With one glance at the box, any positive connotations are removed, and smoking is placed into a whole new context. With each cigarette, the repercussions are no longer a vague possibility, something that ‘could’ happen; instead, their own possible futures are staring them in the face.

Now you might have heard the false counter claims that plain packaging is having no impact on tobacco use. Indeed, a spokesperson of British American Tobacco Australia, or BATA, Scott McIntyre, has said that there has been “no initial impact”, and that plain packaging “is not working”. Now, I want to remind you that plain cigarette packaging has only been in use for a short amount of time - just a little over a year. Expecting a complete change would be like hoping for a miracle. The so called ‘experts’ that analyse and draw these conclusions should realise that any measures to reduce addiction are part of a gradual process of change. Numerous studies have shown that progression has been made in regards to plain packaging, and this plethora of evidence is something I will be touching on later. Groups like BATA have an agenda - they are prepared to gamble with peoples lives in order to drive up the profits of tobacco growers and cigarette companies. It is clearly apparent the only opposition to plain packaging seems to stem from pro tobacco lobbyists. When viewed in this light, doesn’t it seem like a desperate attempt to preserve what’s best for them? These people care only for material gain, and not for human lives.


Contrary to the unfounded opinion of pro-tobacco lobbyists like Scott McIntyre, continual emerging evidence has shown that plain packaging definitely deserves our applause. An early study published by BMJ Open found that cigarettes were viewed as being of “poorer quality” when in plain cigarette packaging, in comparison to the previous branded packages. This is wholly understandable, considering how gruesome and off-putting the images on the packaging can be; it can’t be enjoyable carrying such grotesque visuals around in pockets and purses. Emily Howard, an ex-smoker, has stated that, “one of the main reasons [I quit] was seeing those pictures”. And there’s more; since plain packaging was introduced, calls to Quitline jumped to 30% at around the same time. How can the Tobacco Lobbyists possibly say that plain packaging is making no difference when there is obvious evidence to support its existence? Perhaps these lack of results stem from their own delusional minds as they continue to see what they want to see, rather than what is the glaring truth. Plain packaging is something new, something that hasn't been tried before. No longer are we trying to force the outcome. We have the research, and common sense to know that increased taxes make cigarettes harder to obtain; and that anti-smoking advertisements come and go from time to time. These have powerful short term impact, but fall short of long term gain. Plain packaging, on the other hand, isn’t there to fool. The only images we see are there to inform smokers of exactly what will happen to them, and encourage them to make their own decisions. These are decisions that they will be happy with, and ones that will, most likely, prove to last.

Considering the vast difference plain packaging has already made on Australia’s tobacco consumption rates, imagine what it could do if it were to spread internationally. Yes, there are other forms of packaging - and yes, they too are effective. But why is it so wrong to add another kind into the mix - what could it possibly do? Reduce tobacco consumption rates? Lower death rates? Tobacco is not something to be joking around with - it is a killer. By adopting plain packaging, aren’t we only strengthening our chance of victory in the war against smoking? I doubt smoking can be completely eradicated, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have ways of drastically reducing the severity of the problem. Earlier on, I gave you a statistic - 480,000 people that die each year from smoking. This statistic represents real, human lives - human lives like yours and mine. Is it fair to say that plain packaging isn’t doing enough, when it is clearly making a difference? Who has the right to decide how many lives need to be saved before plain packaging can be declared worthy? Help can never be considered too ‘small’ when it relates to the preservation of human life.

Now that you know the facts, make up your mind - will you allow yourself to be deluded by the nonsensical claims of pro Tobacco Lobbyists? Or will you make the right decision, and see plain packaging for what it really is - something that is moving us closer to being the victors in this tobacco-fuelled battle. Smoking is something that needs to be addressed immediately. It’s too late when you’re looking in the mirror, and this is what is staring back at you (point to plain packaging images on slide). We need to take a stand now, and plain packaging will help us do this.

How many minutes was your speech??
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