Chinese Letter Correction/Advice!

[Adequace]

Hey, I'm taking CSL 1/2 a year in advance right now and am aiming towards a 35~ SS. Essay writings in Chinese is probably my Achilles heel right now.

I had to write a letter about me being an exchange student introducing a newly met friend to an Australian friend.
B.P One - Looks
B.P Two - Personality
B.P Three - Hobbies/Dreams.

"你好情爱的朋友，

很久没有给你说话了。我已经到北京。我去的学校很大也有很多留学生。今天我要介绍我新的好朋友。

他是一个十五岁的男孩从德国来的。他有棕色的头发蓝蓝的眼睛也很高。

他的性格是一个热爱和活泼的人。他说的中文不是很好，可是他还努力学。虽然他的中文水平不是很高我可以帮他用英文翻译。

他的兴趣爱好是踢足球，他说从小他跟他爸爸每天出去踢足球或跑步。不但他也喜欢看书，他爱看各种书，如小书，文学书等等。他理想是一个足球运动员。他希望他长大的时候他可以去英国体住球。

这就是我的好朋友。希望我回去澳洲的时候还可以跟他沟通."

Seems pretty short but it turned out to be 250 words. Anyway, any sort of feedback is appreciated.

[99.90 pls]

THOU SHALT NEVER FORGET YOUR NAME AND DATE AT THE BOTTOM OR YOU WILL LOSE 1-2 MARKS OUT OF 20!

Don't be disheartened, but I'd give your essay a 12/20. Keep in mind that I'm marking you based on Year 12 standards, not Year 11. Details below, including where you went wrong, how to improve and motivation

你好情爱的朋友，情爱的 <李白> - Less clunky, more concise, manages to convey an extra piece of information (name) in just five words!

给你说话了 - I don't think this is correct grammatically. You could change it to 和你说话 or even better, cut it to 很久没见了！ or 你还好吗？ for concision. In general, you want to be able to express more in less words.

他是一个十五岁的男孩, 从德国来的。- 来自德国。 is much more graceful and concise.

他的性格是一个热爱和活泼的人 - Doesn't make sense grammatically. "His personality is a passionate love and lively person".

他说的中文不是很好 - Sounds slightly clunky if you read it out loud. You could substitute it with 他的中文水平一般 for greater eloquence and concision. ("His Chinese ability is mediocre")

不但他也喜欢看书 - Grammatical mess; it should be 他不但喜欢看书。However, in this instance, 不但 is unsuitable. Its format is 不但 something, 而且 something else. (Not only this, but also that) A better alternative could just be 另外，他也喜欢看各种各样的书，例如 (for example)，小说、文学作品等等

他理想是一个足球运动员。- Translates to "His aspiration is a soccer player". It should be "his aspiration is TO BE a soccer player".

他希望他长大的时候他可以去英国体住球。- 他希望长大后可以去英国提足球。Fixed a an error with 踢足球; also, concision

这就是我的好朋友。希望我我希望 is less clunky回去到澳洲的时候还可以跟他可以继续 和/与 他沟通。

好友，
杰克
2014年xx月xx日

Structure: 4/6 - Fairly solid and well defined. First paragraph could use beefing up. Also forgot to write your name and date at the bottom, which is a very significant part of structure.

Content: 4/6 - You stick to the topic well; however, the letter is boring. For topics like these (about meeting a new friend etc.) throwing in a single brief (made-up) anecdote in can boost your mark up significantly, particularly if the anecdote highlights that you understand the topic.

For instance, in this case, you are an exchange student. You are in a foreign country with a different culture. Throwing in a humourous anecdote where the difference of two cultures (i.e. your culture, Australia, and their culture) produces an awkward/funny situation will also show the examiner that you understand the topic to a whole new level of depth.

EDIT: Only if the topic is personal! I can't tell here because you haven't given me the topic in Chinese but if it's informative, what I said is a big no-no!

Language: 4/8 - Mainly due to grammatical mistakes and the occasional incorrect word. You also need to more concise in general. Vocabulary is plain; learn some idioms to spice it up.

Overall: 12/20 - You have a LOT of work to do, but don't be disheartened. It's still early. I started out 3/4 Chinese writing consistent 9/20 essays (yes, NINE out of 20) while all my friends were getting 13-15s. I worked my arse off and eventually got 18/20 for the exam. The amount of progress I made in one year was tremendous. You have two years. Use them wisely

[JackSonSmith]

Although 情爱的 may translate to "dear", it carries connotations of love. It's not something used when addressing friends.

[drake]

Hey, I'm taking CSL 1/2 a year in advance right now and am aiming towards a 35~ SS. Essay writings in Chinese is probably my Achilles heel right now.

I had to write a letter about me being an exchange student introducing a newly met friend to an Australian friend.
B.P One - Looks
B.P Two - Personality
B.P Three - Hobbies/Dreams.

"你好情爱的朋友，

很久没有给你说话了。我已经到北京。我去的学校很大也有很多留学生。今天我要介绍我新的好朋友。

他是一个十五岁的男孩从德国来的。他有棕色的头发蓝蓝的眼睛也很高。

他的性格是一个热爱和活泼的人。他说的中文不是很好，可是他还努力学。虽然他的中文水平不是很高我可以帮他用英文翻译。

他的兴趣爱好是踢足球，他说从小他跟他爸爸每天出去踢足球或跑步。不但他也喜欢看书，他爱看各种书，如小书，文学书等等。他理想是一个足球运动员。他希望他长大的时候他可以去英国体住球。

这就是我的好朋友。希望我回去澳洲的时候还可以跟他沟通."

Seems pretty short but it turned out to be 250 words. Anyway, any sort of feedback is appreciated.

not a bad start. i'm not going to correct it, but make a couple suggestions. the majority of students doing chinese, if they were to write on this topic, would go about describing their friend, discussing their interests and introducing their personality, at least to some extent. unless the topic specifically asked you talk on these aspects, i would suggest you talk about more interesting things. the best way to do this is to brainstorm before you write your essay. for example, you could write a paragraph on something you did with your friend, and describe it colourful way. additionally, another method to improve your essay is to increase your vocabulary. you have lots of time to do this, but your essay would be better if you included more descriptive language, or included idioms in certain places. but overall a good start! improving your vocabulary, learning the structures of different essay formats (e.g. letters, articles, reports etc.), and brainstorming ideas before writing would be great ways to improve your essay quality.

[Adequace]

THOU SHALT NEVER FORGET YOUR NAME AND DATE AT THE BOTTOM OR YOU WILL LOSE 1-2 MARKS OUT OF 20!

Don't be disheartened, but I'd give your essay a 12/20. Details below, including where you went wrong, how to improve and motivation

你好情爱的朋友，情爱的 <李白> - Less clunky, more concise, manages to convey an extra piece of information (name) in just five words!

给你说话了 - I don't think this is correct grammatically. You could change it to 和你说话 or even better, cut it to 很久没见了！ or 你还好吗？ for concision. In general, you want to be able to express more in less words.

他是一个十五岁的男孩, 从德国来的。- 来自德国。 is much more graceful and concise.

他的性格是一个热爱和活泼的人 - Doesn't make sense grammatically. "His personality is a passionate love and lively person".

他说的中文不是很好 - Sounds slightly clunky if you read it out loud. You could substitute it with 他的中文水平一般 for greater eloquence and concision. ("His Chinese ability is mediocre")

不但他也喜欢看书 - Grammatical mess; it should be 他不但喜欢看书。However, in this instance, 不但 is unsuitable. Its format is 不但 something, 而且 something else. (Not only this, but also that) A better alternative could just be 另外，他也喜欢看各种各样的书，例如 (for example)，小说、文学作品等等

他理想是一个足球运动员。- Translates to "His aspiration is a soccer player". It should be "his aspiration is TO BE a soccer player".

他希望他长大的时候他可以去英国体住球。- 他希望长大后可以去英国提足球。Fixed a an error with 踢足球; also, concision

这就是我的好朋友。希望我我希望 is less clunky回去到澳洲的时候还可以跟他可以继续 和/与 他沟通。

好友，
杰克
2014年xx月xx日

Structure: 4/6 - Fairly solid and well defined. First paragraph could use beefing up. Also forgot to write your name and date at the bottom, which is a very significant part of structure.

Content: 4/6 - You stick to the topic well; however, the letter is boring. For topics like these (about meeting a new friend etc.) throwing in a single brief (made-up) anecdote in can boost your mark up significantly, particularly if the anecdote highlights that you understand the topic.

For instance, in this case, you are an exchange student. You are in a foreign country with a different culture. Throwing in a humourous anecdote where the difference of two cultures (i.e. your culture, Australia, and their culture) produces an awkward/funny situation will also show the examiner that you understand the topic to a whole new level of depth.

Language: 4/8 - Mainly due to grammatical mistakes and the occasional incorrect word. You also need to more concise in general. Vocabulary is plain; learn some idioms to spice it up.

Overall: 12/20 - You have a LOT of work to do, but don't be disheartened. It's still early. I started out 3/4 Chinese writing consistent 9/20 essays (yes, NINE out of 20) while all my friends were getting 13-15s. I worked my arse off and eventually got 18/20 for the exam. The amount of progress I made in one year was tremendous. You have two years. Use them wisely

not a bad start. i'm not going to correct it, but make a couple suggestions. the majority of students doing chinese, if they were to write on this topic, would go about describing their friend, discussing their interests and introducing their personality, at least to some extent. unless the topic specifically asked you talk on these aspects, i would suggest you talk about more interesting things. the best way to do this is to brainstorm before you write your essay. for example, you could write a paragraph on something you did with your friend, and describe it colourful way. additionally, another method to improve your essay is to increase your vocabulary. you have lots of time to do this, but your essay would be better if you included more descriptive language, or included idioms in certain places. but overall a good start! improving your vocabulary, learning the structures of different essay formats (e.g. letters, articles, reports etc.), and brainstorming ideas before writing would be great ways to improve your essay quality.

Thanks for the correction/advice!

[99.90 pls]

Thanks for the correction/advice!

No worries! Keep in mind that I marked your essay based on Year 12 end-of-year exam standards, as opposed to Year 11 start-of-year standards, so don't be disheartened!

Also, in regard to what I said in the Content part about anecdotes, only do what I said if the topic is personal! I can't tell here (so I'll assume it's personal) because you haven't given me the topic in Chinese but if it's informative, what I said is a big no-no!