English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)

[elysepopplewell]

Hey, attached is my mod A essay/speech on Gatsby and Elizabeth Barrett Browning, I was wondering what I could do to improve it as I am not sure if its on the right track.
Thanks

Hi there! I'll take a look at this now!

Essay question:
‘Differences are more revealing than similarities’
To what extent does this view reflect the connections between selected poems from ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese by EEB and The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald?

Your original essay is in the spoiler:

Spoiler

Good morning teachers and fellow peers. Welcome to this Year 12 study day, where I will compare and contrast the poems of Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘The Great Gatsby’ by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Over time, the treatment of love has shifted to correspond with the changing morality and attitudes of society. These changing contextual influences have impacted the author’s perspective of this multi-facet emotion. However, there are limitations that restrain this psychological necessity. In both the 19th century revolutionary collection of sonnets, ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (EBB) and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s famous 1925 novel ‘The Great Gatsby’, the similar limitations of love are explored to a great extent. These include the effect of the past and future on the present and the restraints of societal attitudes. Although these limitations are evident in both texts, the changing values of the different time periods have influenced the author’s perspective of love.
Both texts explore how the past and future influences the perspectives and values of an individual, shaping the way love can be limited to a specific time or place. The sonnets of EBB were written in a patriarchal society, which impacted the relationship between a man and a woman. In Sonnet 22, this relationship is explored in terms of physical love and how this type of love is limited to the earthly hours. “A place to stand and love for a day, / With darkness and the death-hour rounding it.” These last two lines suggest that earthly love will only last briefly, due to the ever approaching death. EBB has used alliteration in “darkness” and “death-hour”, reflecting on the dark sounds of Death, however due to the everlasting love between EBB and Robert Browning, she is no longer afraid of this. This is symbolic as she has met with Death several times in her youth, which is referenced in Sonnet 1, “‘Guess now who holds thee?’ --- 'Death’”. Through EBB’s poetry, she considers how love is limited to the present.
Conversely in ‘The Great Gatsby’, the protagonist Jay Gatsby, tries to recapture love that only occurred in the past. “after she was free, they were to go back to Louisville and be married from her house—just as if it were five years ago.” This reflects on Gatsby’s ignorant plans for his future with Daisy, as if they were to continue their relationship from where it was paused. This aligns with the idealistic and materialistic values of the 1920’s, as Gatsby idealizes Daisy so much that he becomes ignorant of the present. Gatsby’s ignorance is also demonstrated when Nick tells him that he cannot repeat the past after Daisy’s long awaited attendance to his party. Gatsby responds, “‘Can’t repeat the past?’ he cried incredulously. ‘Why of course you can.’” This further highlights Gatsby’s insensitivity of how love can change over time, ultimately limiting him from his desire. Both texts extensively explore how the visions of the future are determined by an individual’s past, ultimately limiting their love. However due to their respective contexts, the author has presented a different perspective of this universal theme.
Societal attitudes can limit an individual to who they can love, which are affected by the morals and values of society at the time. Sonnet 32 from EBB’s collection references her age in comparison to her younger lover’s, Robert. “out of tune/ worn viol.” This shows EBB’s perception that she is unworthy of his love because of her age. This confirms the values of the time because in the Victorian era, it was socially unacceptable for an older woman to be in a relationship with a younger man. Sonnet 1 also demonstrates EBB’s thought that she is unworthy of love.  “I mused it in his antique tongue.”  This follows the allusion of Theocritus in the first line, and references the forgotten language of Ancient Greek, which EBB could read at the age of twenty. The allegory also conveys the universal language that she has forgotten; love. Because she doesn’t know the “antique tongue”, this socially restrains EBB’s ability to love and hence believes she is unworthy of Robert’s love.
On the other hand, the different attitudes to social class are evident in ‘The Great Gatsby’ as it is what becomes destructive between Daisy and Gatsby’s relationship. The American Dream is the view that if an individual works hard enough, their wealth allows them to climb the social ladder. This is what Gatsby attempts to do in order to recapture Daisy’s love. “I thought you inherited money. I did, old sport…but I lost most of it in the big panic – panic of the war.” Although it is obvious that Gatsby is deceitful, shown through the repetition of ‘panic’, Nick still believes his word because of his “smile with a quality of eternal reassurance.” Gatsby’s efforts however are not rewarded with Daisy’s love, as it was done predominantly through the illegal activity of bootlegging, common in the Prohibition era of the 1920s. During the confrontation in the New York apartment, Tom exclaims, “sit back and let Mr Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.” This shows that according to Tom, Gatsby is unworthy of Daisy’s love, because he is not of the same stature as her. Both texts examine the different effects of societal attitudes on love but their respective contexts have shifted the author’s perspective on this limitation.
In conclusion, through a comparative study of the selected poems from ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘The Great Gatsby’ by F. Scott Fitzgerald, the differences are more evident due to their respective contexts however explore the similar theme of the limitations of love. ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese’ explore how love is limited by the earthly hours and by the feeling of unworthiness. However, ‘The Great Gatsby’ explore the limitations of love through the ignorance of the past and the societal attitudes of the 1920s towards love. Thus, it is clear that the differences are more evident in the texts than the similarities due to their corresponding context.

And in this spoiler, is your essay with my own words in bold font:

Spoiler

Good morning teachers and fellow peers. Welcome to this Year 12 study day, where I will compare and contrast the poems of Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘The Great Gatsby’ by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Over time, the treatment of love has shifted to correspond with the changing morality and attitudes of society. These changing contextual influences have impacted the author’s perspective of this multi-facet emotion. I'm curious - is love best defined as an emotion? However, there are limitations that restrain this psychological necessity. In both the 19th century revolutionary collection of sonnets, ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (EBB) and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s famous 1925 novel ‘The Great Gatsby’, the similar limitations of love are explored to a great extent. These include the effect of the past and future on the present and the restraints of societal attitudes. Although these limitations are evident in both texts, the changing values of the different time periods have influenced the author’s perspective of love. At this point I don't think you're tackling the question head on. You're definitely using it as a map, I can see references to it in the intro. However, I think it is most important that you talk specifically about your own understanding of similarities and differences and which is more revealing.
Both texts explore how the past and future influences the perspectives and values of an individual, shaping the way love can be limited to a specific time or place. The sonnets of EBB were written in a patriarchal society, which impacted the relationship between a man and a woman. In Sonnet 22, this relationship is explored in terms of physical love and how this type of love is limited to the earthly hours. “A place to stand and love for a day, / With darkness and the death-hour rounding it.” These last two lines suggest that earthly love will only last briefly, due to the ever approaching death. EBB has used alliteration in “darkness” and “death-hour”, reflecting on the dark sounds of Death, however due to the everlasting love between EBB and Robert Browning, she is no longer afraid of this. This is symbolic as she has met with Death several times in her youth, which is referenced in Sonnet 1, “‘Guess now who holds thee?’ --- 'Death’”. Through EBB’s poetry, she considers how love is limited to the present.
Conversely in ‘The Great Gatsby’, the protagonist Jay Gatsby, tries to recapture love that only occurred in the past. “after she was free, they were to go back to Louisville and be married from her house—just as if it were five years ago.” This reflects on Gatsby’s ignorant plans for his future with Daisy, as if they were to continue their relationship from where it was paused. This aligns with the idealistic and materialistic values of the 1920’s, as Gatsby idealizes Daisy so much that he becomes ignorant of the present. Gatsby’s ignorance is also demonstrated when Nick tells him that he cannot repeat the past after Daisy’s long awaited attendance to his party. Gatsby responds, “‘Can’t repeat the past?’ he cried incredulously. ‘Why of course you can.’” This further highlights Gatsby’s insensitivity of how love can change over time, ultimately limiting him from his desire. Both texts extensively explore how the visions of the future are determined by an individual’s past, ultimately limiting their love. However due to their respective contexts, the author has presented a different perspective of this universal theme.Your textual analysis and comparison is really strong. You need to be commended for that! However, the attack on the question about differences or similarities being more revealing needs some strengthening. Because this is a speech, you have the freedom to propose rhetorical questions to the audience, prompting them to consider which they think is more revealing. This can be a discussion more than an exposition if you want it to be. The speech element of this assessment gives you a bit of flexibility.
Societal attitudes can limit an individual to who they can love, which are affected by the morals and values of society at the time. Sonnet 32 from EBB’s collection references her age in comparison to her younger lover’s, Robert. “out of tune/ worn viol.” This shows EBB’s perception that she is unworthy of his love because of her age. This confirms the values of the time because in the Victorian era, it was socially unacceptable for an older woman to be in a relationship with a younger man. Sonnet 1 also demonstrates EBB’s thought that she is unworthy of love.  “I mused it in his antique tongue.”  This follows the allusion of Theocritus in the first line, and references the forgotten language of Ancient Greek, which EBB could read at the age of twenty. The allegory also conveys the universal language that she has forgotten; love. Because she doesn’t know the “antique tongue”, this socially restrains EBB’s ability to love and hence believes she is unworthy of Robert’s love.
On the other hand, This expression works because it is a speech. It wouldn't fly so smoothly in an essay. the different attitudes to social class are evident in ‘The Great Gatsby’ as it is what becomes destructive between Daisy and Gatsby’s relationship. The American Dream is the view that if an individual works hard enough, their wealth allows them to climb the social ladder. This is what Gatsby attempts to do in order to recapture Daisy’s love. “I thought you inherited money. I did, old sport…but I lost most of it in the big panic – panic of the war.” Although it is obvious that Gatsby is deceitful, shown through the repetition of ‘panic’, Nick still believes his word because of his “smile with a quality of eternal reassurance.” Gatsby’s efforts however are not rewarded with Daisy’s love, as it was done predominantly through the illegal activity of bootlegging, common in the Prohibition era of the 1920s. During the confrontation in the New York apartment, Tom exclaims, “sit back and let Mr Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.” This shows that according to Tom, Gatsby is unworthy of Daisy’s love, because he is not of the same stature as her. Both texts examine the different effects of societal attitudes on love but their respective contexts have shifted the author’s perspective on this limitation.
In conclusion, through a comparative study of the selected poems from ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘The Great Gatsby’ by F. Scott Fitzgerald, the differences are more evident due to their respective contexts however explore the similar theme of the limitations of love.This is a good take on the question! ‘Sonnets from the Portuguese’ explore how love is limited by the earthly hours and by the feeling of unworthiness. However, ‘The Great Gatsby’ explore the limitations of love through the ignorance of the past and the societal attitudes of the 1920s towards love. Thus, it is clear that the differences are more evident in the texts than the similarities due to their corresponding context. A possibility for this conclusion is to state your opinion on the essay question, as you have done. But then turn to the audience and ask if they agree (rhetorical question). Then, you can recap some of the main arguments in a sort of listing form because the nature of a speech allows you to do that. If you're criteria involves requirements to present engagingly, this might be worth exploring. But if you aren't marked on delivery, then you can ignore my suggestion

I couldn't do a lot of commenting throughout because your analysis is strong. I can't fault that right now, nothing stands out to me as an issue! What I would love to see more of is the essay question, It's definitely there in an implicit manner. I wish it was really brought up in a real "discussion" kind of way (if this is your style) in the speech. If you don't want to take the discussion approach, then you need a strong take on the essay question that doesn't just agree or disagree, but adds a unique twist. I think this is evident in the conclusion.

Please let me know if any of this doesn't make sense. Hopefully it does! Post back any questions you have. You should be really stoked with this

[Adriaclya]

Yess jamonwindeyer! 5 posts! 

[liiz]

Hello! This is an essay I've done for MOD C (Metropolis/1984) and am desperately needing help!! It's waay too long (so please cross out anything you think is irrelevant!!), and I'm not really sure if I've answered the question well enough? I've really struggled and my expression is super messy but please be tough THANKYOU SO MUCH

Spoiler

How does the study of Metropolis and 1984 enrich your understanding of control? Must refer to context, intertextual perspectives and themes. Study how meaning is conveyed through context, characterisation, imagery and symbolism in both texts. Show how the context of the visual and prose texts reflect specific perspectives

Metropolis, directed by Fritz Lang and George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984) are two dystopian texts that, respectively, elucidate the context of Weimar Germany and Britain's post-WWII environment. As a result, both Lang and Orwell have developed an insightful representation of the abuse of power, at the extremes of totalitarian and fascist regimes. Their different perspectives on similar content, however, highlight the values and attitudes of the composer’s time period. Thus, through a comparative study of Metropolis and 1984, the responder can gain a greater appreciation for how intertextual perspectives shape meaning within literature. Furthermore, audiences are able to enrich their understanding of excessive control to be an influential power on societal relations that is only exacerbated when paired with technology.

The abuse of power by means of control has often lead to social divisions and instability, as illustrated by Metropolis and 1984. Lang’s 1927 silent film reflects upon the context of Germany’s Weimar Republic, following WWI, whereby authoritarian powers created economic and political inequalities. Lang establishes a strong juxtaposition between the futuristic set design of the upper echelons of society and the dark, bleak conditions found underground. Influenced by the time period, the art-deco style of the city is characterised by precise and boldly delineated geometric shapes. Although nothing like Germany at the time, the city held similarities to the vast physical dimensions of rapidly expanding cities further west, such as New York. The film explores how the decadence and delights of modern cities is built, quite literally, on inequality. Worker’s painstakingly toil below to support the city’s operation, emphasised through Lang’s use of chiaroscuro lighting and contrasting costuming between the dark uniforms of workers to the light outfits of the elite. Audiences emphasise with the exhausted workers as they trudge in stylised, synchronised columns during the shift-change. Wide shots and melodious non-diegetic music capture the upper class running freely in “The Eternal Gardens.” To Lang, the city of the future was synonymous with exploitation, power, corruption and control. This is further highlighted through the biblical imagery of the Tower of Babel, in the centre of the metropolis. Symbolic of German expressionism, the visual iconography is used to construct the ideological message of Fredersen’s power and god-like status. Additionally, shots of the small city below demonstrate his dominance and control over the lower classes. “Great is the world and it’s maker! And great is man” is emblematic of man’s hubris and mirrors Fredersen’s characterisation. Whilst the struggle between social divisions is made apparent, Lang’s film depicts a romanticised view of industrialisation through the repetitive motif of hands and heads. As noted by Maria, “Between the mind that plans and the hands that build, there must be a mediator… the heart.” Freder eventually becomes the mediator between Fredersen and the workers in order for them to co-exist peacefully and build a stable, positive future as signified by their handshake. As such, whilst Lang reflects upon the imbalances of power and control that occurred within the historical context, he provides an optimistic ending based on mutual cooperation between the classes - an ideology that was beginning to take shape in Europe. In comparison, Orwell’s 1984 did not posit such hope and romanticism upon industrialisation. He saw states that were run by totalitarian dictators, such as Stalin and Hitler, as inherently dangerous for populations because the leaders would serve themselves and their interests before the people. Therefore, the different contexts of Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four provide a strong case for how time and place influences meaning.

Nonetheless, like Metropolis, Orwell’s novel written in 1949, enriches audiences understanding of how control and power can impact societal relations. Following the fascism and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union, Orwell creates a society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual's life is subject to manipulation and overt control. This is implemented in the name of Big Brother. Whilst a symbol of trust and protection in the eyes of obedient individuals, he comes to represent oppression and absolute power. Humans rights are exchanged for state stability, security and hierarchy. The indoctrination by Big Brother and the Party is evident through the distortion of language, known as “newspeak”, in order to suppress any individual’s thoughts that go against the party and their beliefs in “Ingsoc”, or English Socialism. Furthermore, the idea that “who controls the past controls the present” held by the Party accounts for how they rewrite history in the hypocritically-named “Ministry of Truth” in order to maintain their hierarchical position above the rest of society. This is particularly applied to the proles as “The party taught that [they] were natural inferiors who must be kept in subjugation.” Furthermore, the emphatic language in “the ordinary people, the workers… were [the party’s] slaves” echoes Metropolis and conveys how the excessive use of power and control by the upper party creates social divisions. Additionally, Orwell reflects upon the period following the war, and the way in which leaders instilled hate and violence within their societies against outcasts. Mirroring the fierce anti-semitism and Nuremberg Nazi Hate rallies in Germany and creating allusions to WWI through the Jewish name, Emmanuel Goldstein as the leader of the opposition, Winston describes that “the horrible thing about Two Minute Hate was not that one was obliged to act a part, but that it was impossible to avoid joining in… turning into a grimacing, screaming lunatic.” As such, the excessive power and control that the Party use to create the social hierarchy is as a result of their indoctrination and manipulation, as done by some governments in the 20th century. The imperative and emphatic language in “WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH” further emphasises the Party’s psychological power over the state as the propaganda is never questioned. Anyone that did, “simply disappeared and were never heard of again.” This sense of absolute control, derived from fear, echoes the horrific events taken place during WWII. It is clear that Metropolis and 1984 both explore the idea of excessive control and the way in which it can influence societal relations and class structure, in a slightly different light. Therefore, audiences are able to enrich their understanding of control as well as appreciate the value that context can give to literature.

The detrimental outcomes when control is exerted through technology provide the foundations to Metropolis and 1984. Technological advances in Metropolis symbolically represent humanity’s achievements of the 20th century. However, Lang illustrates his concern for humanity when there is an over-reliance on technology. In the famous Moloch scene, a low angle shot of the monstrous machine, from Freder’s perspective, make its central position, size and symmetry an even more intimidating sight. Lang’s directorial demand for exaggerated facial expressions by the workers as well as flashing lights and increasingly dramatic music communicate that a mechanical crisis is imminent. After an explosion, the low camera angle is raised so that the higher levels of the machine can now be seen and Moloch, the ancient deity that was honoured with human sacrifice takes shape. In this powerful scene, Lang fuses the pagan past with a capitalist present whereby the masses are still exploited and dehumanised to meet the needs of the powerful elite. The composer offers a warning of what can happen where there is an over-reliance on technology, and the dehumanisation it causes. Viewers are also forced to feel that they are components of the machine with repetitive expressionist montages of heavy industrial equipment, whilst the workers appear to be no more than automatons as their robotic movements mirror the mechanical movement of the machines they tend. In Metropolis, the danger of idolising technology also becomes a contextual trigger for class conflict and social revolt. Cyborg Maria, created by Rotwang, the archetypal mad scientist, blurs the boundaries between human and machine and comes to symbolise the “seven deadly sins.” The workers who rise to cyborg Maria’s call to destroy the machines, unknowingly leave their children behind in peril when their rampage causes flooding. The music reaches a crescendo as the youth struggle to stay above the rising water, creating an atmosphere of uncertainty and anxiety. Whilst taking control of the present, Lang shows how the future, that the children represent, may be sacrificed through such frenzied rebellion. As such, the different perspectives that both composers hold on rebellion as a result of excessive control and use of technology emphasis the values held by society of the time period, yet have been able to enrich contemporary audiences understanding of similar content.

Technology plays an extensive role in how control is employed by the Party in Orwell’s novel, 1984. The stark and oppressive posters of Big Brother - that some have interpreted to resemble Hitler or Stalin - serve as a constant reminder to individuals that every aspect of their lives is monitored for “Big Brother is watching you.” The government’s ability to control and manipulate society is seen through the technological advancements of tele-screens, microphones and cameras. Orwell’s utilisation of a simile in “[they] had watched him like a beetle under a magnifying glass” effectively conveys the overwhelming presence and scrutiny of the Thought Police. Orwell’s fear for technology was that governments would seize the power to peer into people’s private lives and there was no way of knowing whether citizens were being watched at any given moment. Audiences understand this through the fear-provoking language, “technological progress only happens when its products can in some way be used for the diminution of human liberty.” As such, the total lack of freedom as a result of increasing technology forces the regimented society to essentially become “the dead” with nothing “except for a few cubic centimetres inside [their] skull” being their own. Winston’s rebellion stems from this complete control and watchful eye of the Party. His actions are significantly different to the frantic scenes in Metropolis, as he carries out quite ordinary activities - a love affair, consuming “real” coffee and questioning the Party’s claim that “two plus two make five.” However, the climax of the novel in “Room 101” sees Winston’s personal rebellion to destabilise an entrenched despotic regime, being undermined by O’Brian. The process is explicitly confronting, making readers imagine themselves in Winston’s torture chamber and identifying with his suffering. In the end, the protagonist’s total subjugation and the Party’s “victory” over him is confirmed by the helpless, dejected tone - “He loved Big Brother.” As such, 1984 reveals the fragility of human resilience in the face of a ruthless, totalitarian regime exacerbated by the use of technology, that Orwell saw in his post-WWII environment. Therefore, readers enrich their understanding of the detrimental and grim outcomes of excessive control on society when technology is introduced through 1984, and gain a different perspective from Metropolis.

Exploring the excesses of totalitarian regimes and reflecting on the horrors of war at the time each text were constructed, Lang and Orwell evidently promote values that are devoid from the societies they illustrate. As such, Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four critically explore the abusive and dehumanising exercise of power under an autocratic leadership in which the populace is deprived, oppressed and alienated. Responders are able to enrich their understanding of excessive control as being an influence on social relations and stability as well as how such detrimental outcomes are only exacerbated through the use of technology.

[FallonXay]

Hi there! Sorry this took a few days. Happy to mark your work!

Here is your original essay without any of my own comments:

Spoiler

Representation is a deliberate act on the part of the composer.
How have the composers of your core text and at least one related text represented ideas about people and politics?
Deliberate representation, when explored as a notion that develops an acceptance of differing ‘truths’, explicitly reveals the shared or conflicting perspectives of composers. Barry Levinson’s 1997 satirical film Wag The Dog, humorously explores the concept by which the political world, engendered by a manipulative, theatrical element, accommodates personalities in which are most cunning. As a result of these personalities, society is coerced into subsisting the negative repercussions instigated by political motivations. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman portrays a machiavellian stance of the political world demonstrated through the character’s unscrupulous actions which is a direct consequence of the author’s overshadowing perspective. It is through a thorough understanding of the mechanisms of representation, that the composers Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs purposefully employ their predominantly pessimistic representations of politics and their negative effects on people within their narratives to effectively communicate their ideologies to the audience.

Barry Levinson explores the perfidious behaviour entailed by political figures through characterisation in his film Wag The Dog. Through his representation of the central character Brean, Levinson denotes the political world as accommodating towards amoral behaviour. From the introduction, Levinson establishes Brean as a character whom is a ruthless calculus through his innate willingness to do whatever necessary to complete the task assigned. This is explicitly demonstrated as Brean is idolised as ‘Mr Fix it’ coupled with the lack of lighting and fedora which shadows his face, an intrinsic feature of identity, denoting to the admiration of mystery and secrecy as intrinsic to the political world. Through uttering ‘I don’t care if it’s true’ when presented with the indecent situation whereby a dispute arises surrounding the President committing deeds of sexual acts towards an underaged, firefly girl, Levinson exposes the indifferent attitude possessed by political figures. Brean further expresses this attitude through his single-minded desire ‘just gotta distract them’ through asserting a casual tone which accentuates Brean’s dismissive attitude towards the truth and thus familiarity as indecent acts affiliated with politics, highlighting the commonality of profanity associated with political work. Furthermore, Brean’s inherent manipulative behaviour is pronounced during the CIA scene. Brean’s calm and calculated response ‘Then what good are [your satellites] if they show no war?’ in response to the accusations presented by the CIA agents result in a flustered reaction by the CIA agents, demonstrating his awareness of the insecurities of others and ambitious nature. This consequently reveals the cruciality of deception as a survival mechanic in the political world. Through this adverse presentation of Wag the Dog’s protagonist Brean, Levinson’s misandry towards politics is asserted through his emulation of the political world.

Similarly, Raymond Briggs scrutinises the world of politics to be amoral in his picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Throughout the narrative, the two primary figures of the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman are portrayed as indifferent through their dismissive mentality associated with impulsive actions. The salience of the Tin Pot Foreign general created through an excessively large depiction occupying an entire page coupled with his motivations stemming from desire of recognition as demonstrated in the passage ‘He wanted to do something Historical, so that his name would be printed in all the big History Books.’ Briggs portrays the General as superficial in his motivations engendered by lust for acknowledgement not only in ordinary ‘History Books’ but rather ‘big history books’ thus accentuating a shallow representation of political figures as pretentious. Likewise, the rationale fostered by the Old Iron Woman mimics that of the Tin Pot Foreign General as demonstrated through an ostentatious display of wealth. The indication in the text  “She poured out tons of treasure from her huge chest” highlights the cosmetic value through emphasis on ‘treasure’ and the superficial connotations of her ‘chest’, an external feature. Thus the corresponding characters the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman fosters Briggs contemptuous impression on the political world as accommodating of the negative attribute of cynicism and reveals the realities in which political agendas are materialistic to the degree of which they cater for merely appearance.

Although the evidently unfavourable representations of the political world allow the audience to digest the tyranny, it is through the exploration of their effects on society which allows the audience to see the deplorable realities enkindled by the political world. Levinson appeals to the innocence of society through their naivety as seen by their unwavering belief of accounts presented to them, including the fictional war created by Brean and his political team. As society is revealed to be fooled by the machinations of the political world, the negative effects can be seen through the capitalisation by businesses through merchandising. This is incrementally revealed through separate close up shots of apparel with slogans ‘Fuck A Albania’ and ‘Bring’ em home’. Additionally, the plot to reignite the fake Albanian war hoax through the introduction of a war hero known as Schumann was made feasible with media encouragement, a trade which seeks profit. Ultimately, it is suggested that the president is re-elected as a result of misinformation and the masterful scheme orchestrated by the political team to persuade society into adopting their desired viewpoints, thus questioning the morality of those affiliated with the political world through undeviating commitment through unethical procedures of manipulation, as entitled by their occupation at the expense of virtue.

Likewise, Raymond Briggs explores the exploits the political world through an exploration consequences of political endeavours on society. The colourful illustrations of smoke throughout the battle scene utilised to cover the casualties of war represent the political world to be deceitful as they attempt to hide the horrors of war in a flamboyant display power. Furthermore, the vigour entitled by the repetition of jarring and blunt bolded letters ‘BANG’ in this scene additionally magnifies the motivation of political idols to be for personal gain in an attempt exhibit power. However, the impassioned conflict ensuing excitement through the employment of bright reds, oranges, yellows and purples is starkly contrasted with the subsequent scenes in which montone illustrations are presented with short sentences illustrating the severity of reality. As the narrative reveals that ‘Some men were drowned’ and ‘Some men were shot’ accompanied by black and white sketches, a solemn tone is established. Themes of fatality originating from ‘drowned’ and ‘shot’ highlights the catastrophic reverberations derived from political initiatives, these of which are masked as the Old Iron Woman rejects the injured ‘in case the sight of them spoiled the rejoicing’, emphasising the manipulative behaviour of political figures as adverse as the ‘families of the dead’ were left to ‘[tend] the graves’. Through exposing these ignorant actions, Levinson effectively comments on the decaying moral behaviours of political figures due to the inherent degenerate nature vital to enduring in the political world.

Thus the shared perspectives of the film Wag the Dog by Barry Levinson and the picture book The Tin-pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman explores the impact of political act on the lives of society. Through correlating the conniving nature of politics with the negative repercussions experienced by society, the two composers successfully convey their shared prejudices against political motivations and connote their disapproval through reflection on the ramifications caused by political operations.

Here is your essay with my own comments written in bold font throughout:

Spoiler

Representation is a deliberate act on the part of the composer.
How have the composers of your core text and at least one related text represented ideas about people and politics?

love this essay question!
Deliberate representation, when explored as a notion that develops an acceptance of differing ‘truths’, explicitly reveals the shared or conflicting perspectives of composers. Your first sentence is really jampacked with good stuff. However, I read it a few times before I understood exactly what was being said. The part that sticks out the most as being the jarring part is the "when explored..." part. To me, this isn't because your words aren't clear, it is simply because it's a lot to digest in one sentence. I think breaking it up, possibly into two sentences, will work for you Barry Levinson’s 1997 satirical film Wag The Dog, humorously explores the concept by which the political world, engendered by a manipulative, theatrical element, accommodates personalities in which are most cunning. Great! I'm really getting a sense for your sophisticated writing style. As a result of these personalities, society is coerced into subsisting the negative repercussions instigated by political motivations. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman portrays a machiavellian stance of the political world demonstrated through the character’s unscrupulous actions which is a direct consequence of the author’s overshadowing perspective. It is through a thorough understanding of the mechanisms of representation, that the composers Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs purposefully employ their predominantly pessimistic representations of politics and their negative effects on people within their narratives to effectively communicate their ideologies to the audience. Seriously, wonderful work!!

Barry Levinson explores the perfidious behaviour entailed Entailed typically means "necessary or requirement." So I would say, "the task at hand entails a lot of time commitment." Entailed doesn't quite work here. Depending on what you are going for, you could say expected of, shown by, represented by, and similar words like that. by political figures through characterisation in his film Wag The Dog. Through his representation of the central character Brean, Levinson denotes the political world as accommodating towards amoral behaviour. From the introduction, Levinson establishes Brean as a character whom is a ruthless calculus through his innate willingness to do whatever necessary to complete the task assigned. This is explicitly demonstrated as Brean is idolised as ‘Mr Fix it’ coupled with the lack of lighting and fedora which shadows his face, an intrinsic feature of identity, denoting to the admiration of mystery and secrecy as intrinsic to the political world. Through uttering ‘I don’t care if it’s true’ when presented with the indecent situation whereby a dispute arises surrounding the President committing deeds of sexual acts towards an underaged, firefly girl, Levinson exposes the indifferent attitude possessed by political figures. Brean further expresses this attitude through his single-minded desire ‘just gotta distract them’ through asserting a casual tone which accentuates Brean’s dismissive attitude towards the truth and thus familiarity as indecent acts affiliated with politics, highlighting the commonality of profanity associated with political work. Furthermore, Brean’s inherent manipulative behaviour is pronounced during the CIA scene. Brean’s calm and calculated response ‘Then what good are [your satellites] if they show no war?’ in response to the accusations presented by the CIA agents result in a flustered reaction by the CIA agents, demonstrating his awareness of the insecurities of others and ambitious nature. This consequently reveals the cruciality of deception as a survival mechanic in the political world. Through this adverse presentation of Wag the Dog’s protagonist Brean, Levinson’s misandry towards politics is asserted through his emulation of the political world. Your response is definitely quite sophisticated. What is lacking is the coherence that would be present if your initial thesis in the introduction was super clear. The thesis is what I commented on earlier, commenting that it might not be totally digestable. When that is really clear, you can make a really conscious effort to include it in every paragraph consistently.

Similarly, Raymond Briggs scrutinises the world of politics to be amoral in his picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Throughout the narrative, the two primary figures of the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman are portrayed as indifferent through their dismissive mentality associated with impulsive actions. The salience of the Tin Pot Foreign general created through an excessively large depiction occupying an entire page coupled with his motivations stemming from desire of recognition as demonstrated in the passage ‘He wanted to do something Historical, so that his name would be printed in all the big History Books.’ Briggs portrays the General as superficial in his motivations engendered by lust for acknowledgement not only in ordinary ‘History Books’ but rather ‘big history books’ thus accentuating a shallow representation of political figures as pretentious. Likewise, the rationale fostered by the Old Iron Woman mimics that of the Tin Pot Foreign General as demonstrated through an ostentatious display of wealth. The indication in the text  “She poured out tons of treasure from her huge chest” highlights the cosmetic value through emphasis on ‘treasure’ and the superficial connotations of her ‘chest’, an external feature. Thus the corresponding characters the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman fosters Briggs contemptuous impression on the political world as accommodating of the negative attribute of cynicism and reveals the realities in which political agendas are materialistic to the degree of which they cater for merely appearance. Again, your language and analysis is sophisticated and flows well. The only thing missing is a direct tie to the thesis in the introduction. You should be really proud of this.

Although the evidently unfavourable representations of the political world allow the audience to digest the tyranny, it is through the exploration of their effects on society which allows the audience to see the deplorable realities enkindled by the political world. Levinson appeals to the innocence of society through their naivety as seen by their unwavering belief of accounts presented to them, including the fictional war created by Brean and his political team. As society is revealed to be fooled by the machinations of the political world, the negative effects can be seen through the capitalisation by businesses through merchandising. This is incrementally revealed through separate close up shots of apparel with slogans ‘Fuck A Albania’ and ‘Bring’ em home’. Additionally, the plot to reignite the fake Albanian war hoax through the introduction of a war hero known as Schumann was made feasible with media encouragement, a trade which seeks profit. Ultimately, it is suggested that the president is re-elected as a result of misinformation and the masterful scheme orchestrated by the political team to persuade society into adopting their desired viewpoints, thus questioning the morality of those affiliated with the political world through undeviating commitment through unethical procedures of manipulation, as entitled by their occupation at the expense of virtue. After two paragraphs of not much feedback, I decided to be extra critical of this paragraph. Your textual evidence isn't as strong as it could be. You talk about the text and it's plot in a very sophisticated way which is wonderful. However, I am left wishing that you made at least three textual references per paragraph so that the paragraph is really meaty. You've analysed the close up shots well. If you can do that twice more, then that's great. If possible, even get a textual reference (quote or otherwise) and find two techniques in it. This makes your analysis even stronger. For example, you could say that a quote uses personification to emphasis emotion, but the second person pronoun to engage the reader, strengthening the emotion further. (Just an example). So if you have the opportunity, you should definitely meat-up your paragraph just that tiny bit more. No one is questioning your understanding of the texts, that is just brilliant. It's a matter of now just absolutely NAILING it and making sure you leave no room for possibility of doubt.

Likewise, Raymond Briggs explores the exploits exploitations the political world through an exploration consequences of political endeavours on society. The colourful illustrations of smoke throughout the battle scene is utilised to cover the casualties of war represent the political world to be deceitful as they attempt to hide the horrors of war in a flamboyant display power. Furthermore, the vigour entitled by the repetition of jarring and blunt bolded letters ‘BANG’ in this scene additionally magnifies the motivation of political idols to be for personal gain in an attempt exhibit power. However, the impassioned conflict ensuing excitement through the employment of bright reds, oranges, yellows and purples is starkly contrasted with the subsequent scenes in which montone illustrations are presented with short sentences illustrating the severity of reality. As the narrative reveals that ‘Some men were drowned’ and ‘Some men were shot’ accompanied by black and white sketches, a solemn tone is established. Themes of fatality originating from ‘drowned’ and ‘shot’ highlights the catastrophic reverberations derived from political initiatives, these of which are masked as the Old Iron Woman rejects the injured ‘in case the sight of them spoiled the rejoicing’, emphasising the manipulative behaviour of political figures as adverse as the ‘families of the dead’ were left to ‘[tend] the graves’. Through exposing these ignorant actions, Levinson effectively comments on the decaying moral behaviours of political figures due to the inherent degenerate nature vital to enduring in the political world.

Thus the shared perspectives of the film Wag the Dog by Barry Levinson and the picture book The Tin-pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman explores the impact of political act on the lives of society. Through correlating the conniving nature of politics with the negative repercussions experienced by society, the two composers successfully convey their shared prejudices against political motivations and connote their disapproval through reflection on the ramifications caused by political operations. It is my advice that conclusions should always be a direct attack on the essay question and that they should not include the names of the texts if possible. The simple reason for this is: The text names start to sound like a list, and you want to leave the marker with a really good taste of your essay in this last instance. Dealing with each text in its own sentence ensures that your conclusion has good length and you are doing justice to each of your arguments.

So, I wrote most of my comments throughout the essay. But, to summarise:

-You deal with representation well. I think you are slightly less adequately dealing with representation as a deliberate act. Obviously every composer does something with a purpose. You've just got to bring that purpose to the surface (ha that rhymes) and show the marker that you're ready to tackle the question.

-The opening thesis needs a bit of work to make sure it is original, unique, and relevant. When that is made more digestable, you can sew it through the rest of the essay really well!

-In each paragraph, aim for three really solid pieces of textual evidence. Your understanding of the text is unquestionable to me, but you want to make sure that every person agrees that your work is so wonderful. Deep textual analysis will usually do that for you.

-Your vocabulary is great! You don't ever sound repetitive.

In all, this is a great essay and you should be very very proud. Coming up to trials, you have the opportunity now to go back and refine a bit more to make sure that you're optimising the sophistication of the essay!

Please let me know if you have any questions. Happy to answer back! Good luck

Firstly, I would like to say, thank you so much for taking the time to read and provide feedback on my essay! It really is appreciated ^.^
I'm just a bit confused with how I would deal with each text separately in the conclusion since the two texts share a common perspective. Wouldn't the conclusion sound repetetive if I split up the two texts into separate sentences and write about their representations, since they hold the same representation?

[elysepopplewell]

MOD C
-be harsh please
-Do i need more analysis/deeper links/better vocab/better links to the question/different analysis as the ones as the quotes and techniques i chose are bad/
-I think my paragraphs are a bit long so could you tell me what to cut out/replace
-Thanks
- note) I left out a conclusion on purpose

Hey there! I'll definitely have a look specifically for things you've mentioned

Here is your original essay:

Spoiler

Evaluate how representations of political events and actions alter the way in which people perceive politics and political figures

Intro -
Politics is a multifaceted concept that can revolve around either the ascension to power or as a means to exercise democracy in order to benefit society. However, to a large extent, governments and individuals alike use deceitful tactics to affect the semblance of truth thus altering the way in which the public view certain individuals and events. Seriously, this is such an impressive introduction. You don't just leave it at one sentence, but you provide another to flesh out later on. Seriously good! Trying to suggest this style of intro to people is probably the thing I comment most on essays! You've already got it covered Such a conception is evinced in Barry Levinson’s postmodern film Wag the Dog (1997). Set in the aftermath of the Gulf War, Wag the dog presents a satirical vision and commentary on the relative ease in which manipulation and the distortion of truth can alter the verisimilitude of a political event thus rendering the public oblivious to the veracity of truth. Such representations of the governance of countries are fundamentally important as they create a “call to arms” for individuals to think about, and be critical of their governments so that political lies can be exposed and change can be affected.  This was really easy to read. Seriously, I could just glide through it. Brilliant work!
Manipulation –
Wag the Dog emphasises upon the importance of manipulation to achieve political machinations, It is important to have a comma after "machinations." This type of comma is called an oxford comma, and here is a good example of where it should be used. The reason is, I read "machinations and construes" as a paired noun - then I realised, consrues isn't a noun? I'm only talking to you about the oxford comma because I know already that your work is great. So this is a simple thing to be aware of and construes this as vital in order to mask truths from the public in order to preserve a reputable image for the government. This is most easily seen through the construction of a fake war against Albania by Conrad Brean and Stanley Motss who aim to divert public attention away from the Presidents purported sexual scandal. This is explicated from the start through the symbolism of the title ‘Wag the Dog’ which ponders on the subject of instrumentality and refers to where a bigger part, in this case the government controlling the smaller part, the public. It is clear that the spin doctors, Brean and Motts are in control at all times through the motif of surveillance cameras and panoptic angles which symbolises how the public’s world is rendered constantly visible. As a result, the government knows how and when to play to the publics concerns in order to keep them distracted from pressing issues. However, manipulation is mainly presented through use of media and merchandising of the war which is purposefully done as a sardonic means of mocking the then state of politics. The close up shot used presenting a man wearing a shirt that reads ‘Fu*k Albania’, alongside Brean stating “It is real, I’m watching it on TV”, emphasises upon the salience that the media has upon the decisions and perspectives individuals hold and thus reveals their impulse to accept information without considering its source. As a result Brean and Motts can essentially hand-pick what they want the public to see. The consequence of this is seen as the end where a reporter claims the government is “sending planes and troops back in to finish the job”, thus portraying how a manufactured lie can become a reality. The representation of the Albanian war as being a distraction from the election allows the public to inadvertently forget about who they want to vote for and moreover the presidents sexual scandal. Therefore...*link to essay question explicitly here*
Distortion of truth –
The distortion of truth is seen as hegemonic in Wag the Dog, as it is conveyed as the easiest method in altering the way in which the public perceived the president. This is manifested through Conrad Brean who is also referred to by the epithet “Mr fix it” thus emphasising upon his successful ability to mend tense political situations. Not only does his fast paced dialogue demonstrate the relative ease of his task but his continual use of rhetoric “What difference does it make if its true?” illustrates his lack of ethical concern for his alteration of public opinion and establishes his lack of restriction in duping the public. In order to distort truth Brean plays on a sense of American patriotism to unify Americans into thinking that the Albanian war is real and a matter of concern. This is exemplified through the death of the ‘phony war hero’ Schumann where the contrast between the darkness under the coffin and the light shining on the soldiers giving a salute manifests how the truth about Shuman being a phony is concealed and is portrayed to the masses as a time of sorrow instead. This is furthered through the visual juxtaposition between the blue screen and the computer creating CGI images. This altered reality demonstrates a tainting in the semblance of truth and shows how the war is just an illusion and a distortion of truth to keep the public preoccupied. This is highlighted through Brean’s repetition, (comma, no need for "in" in “just got to distract them” and his staccato sentencing “why do people go to war? If there’s no threat what good are you”, where his nonchalant tone emphasises upon his lake of care regarding his unethical pragmatic methods in forsaking the integrity of truth. As a result, when inundated with a manufactured reality the reality has become obsessed over a fantasy which in turn has caused them to forget the president’s sexual scandal but rather has the public see the president as the forerunner in protecting them from an international threat.

This is AMAZING!!!!!!!!

You should be so proud of this. You have successfully created an original and very unique thesis. You have nailed each and every analysis you have offered. You've dug deeper than the analysis of a text that you can find online. Every sentence has a purpose here - you don't just narrate. You are constantly analysing and drawing connections between each and every point you make.

I'm sorry I don't have more feedback for you! Everything you pointed out at the start fails to be any kind of issue! I'd be very interested to see your conclusion. You really want to bring it all home strong! Congratulations on a great essay. Keep me posted!

[jamonwindeyer]

Firstly, I would like to say, thank you so much for taking the time to read and provide feedback on my essay! It really is appreciated ^.^
I'm just a bit confused with how I would deal with each text separately in the conclusion since the two texts share a common perspective. Wouldn't the conclusion sound repetetive if I split up the two texts into separate sentences and write about their representations, since they hold the same representation?

Hey hey! I read Elyse's feedback, and while I don't totally agree with the "don't mention the names of the texts" part of the feedback (my preference, no specific reason for it), what I think Elyse is touching on is to be very conceptual with the conclusion. Don't just list the texts; say the concept first, link it to the question, and only then use the texts as your evidence. This ensures that you lead with concept rather than text, which is important. In terms of separate sentences, there will be contextual differences between the two, even if the representations are very similar, so that might be one way you do it. Ultimately, if you feel like it works better as one sentence, you do that, if you have an instinct for something chances are it is correct 

[jamonwindeyer]

Yess jamonwindeyer! 5 posts! 

Awesome! Thanks for the heads up, you are on my to do list 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi guys, this is my mod b speech. Please go hard? I think?
The question is : evaluate how the 2 speakers chosen promote the importance of making a difference in our world
The other important stuff:
- evaluate construction + use of rhetorical features
- explain how the speeches resonate in today society
Thankss!

Hey there! Aha, I love this because it is a speech about speeches, I think I'm in too deep  not but seriously, comments throughout, I'll do my best to give feedback on the rhetorical stuff as well as the content 

Spoiler

Thank you. It is an honour to be here at Tedx Sefton. I am Benjamin Lam. Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes, and five children die. I'd love to see you do more with this rhetorically, how many children will die during this speech? The world we live in can improve. How? Be specific here. In JK Rowling’s commencement speech The fringe benefits of failure, and the importance of imagination, as well as Cate Blanchett’s Whitlam tribute, their emphasis on the importance reflecting upon a better future that appeals to the values of equality and imagination, compels the audience to realise that the importance of envisioning, of creating a better future, of making a difference in society is to be able to then impact, to add value to the lives of others. These speeches’ ability to remain appreciated in, and beyond a contemporary context, stems from their textual integrity through the promotion of the betterment of society, integrated with emotional rapport and credibility, to inspire innovation. A nice introduction! I'd like to see more elaboration at the start there, really develop the conceptual focus of your essay.

Enhancing the lives of others manifest as the need to bring to fruition a better society that upholds the value of equality. Cool, but wording slightly messy. With rhetoric, JK Rowling’s speech underpins the adverse realities of social injustice that exists today, and thus the importance of empathy as means to not only acknowledge these adversities but also those who are tested by it. Ever so slightly confusing wording again here, "with rhetoric" is slightly off for example, and I think you could be more succinct in the second half. The potential for change in achieving equality lies within the captivation of the future generation. Appealing predominantly towards Harvard students, Rowling establishes, in her exordium, a connection with them through her allusion to ‘Harry Potter’ in referencing “Gryffindor” and “gay wizard”. This connection is further complemented with humour in hyperbolising how this “extraordinary honour” of presenting the speech has given “weeks of fear and nausea”. Thus, what does this show the audience about the value of equality (for example)? Nevertheless, in adapting a sincere and intimate tone, the requisite to shed light on the social injustices is highlighted in her anecdotal experiences with an “African torture victim”; the auditory imagery of the “scream of pain and horror”, as Rowling describes of the victim in the aftermath of “retaliation for his own outspokenness against his country’s regime”, prompts the realisation of the reality of discrimination. Might want to trim that sentence, a tad too long (or take a VERY deep breath), good ideas though! Again, looking for you to abstract these textual references and explain in a broader sense what the audience learns about equality from each of them (lists are not as effective as in depth analysis). Hence in this evocation of empathy, forwards the need for an equal and just society. Rowling’s desire to make a difference to lives of others, resonates within the audiences of today and tomorrow, since such society that upholds the value of equality is still, but a vision. Really great ideas in this paragraph, just needs a bit more abstract analysis and fixing a few wording issues.   

Conversely, Cate Blanchett cements this vision in elucidating to the achievements of Gough Whitlam in making a difference in society as model to inspire change. Your first topic sentence was more effective because it kept the text separate, it lead with the concept first. Try this again here! Initially, Blanchett forges a mutuality in highlighting the “sadness…[and] great sorrow” felt by herself and concurrently the audience; hence through this emotive appeal conjointed with the rhetorical question : “so what had gone?”, elicits from the responders, thought into how Whitlam has impacted on their lives. A little messy in wording, but I love that you are considering the audience of the speech itself! So many people forget to do it so great work. Sustaining this provocation of thought and rapport, Blanchett’s speech accumulatively lists Whitlam’s contributions to the lives of others in achieving equality: such as his impact on women through introducing “mother’s benefits” and “equal pay for equal work”. Technique? In this vein, his aggregate improvements in creating a better society are “exhausting just trying to conceive of it” – wherein her use of adynaton reflects the supposed impossibility of change and hence, linking to Rowling how in spite of this impossibility, “we do not need magic to change the world”. Ergo, Rowling and Blanchett inspires change by virtue of promoting an equal and just society that will make a difference to others. Very similar to above paragraph, though I'd like to see more techniques in this one too if you can!

As intrinsic as equality to a better society, so too is imagination – the ability to encourage societal progress through the envisionment of continual societal improvements. Love this! Central to Rowling’s speech is the theme of imagination. In this, she promotes imagination as both a way to picture the harsh realities of life that the audience is sheltered from, and the “uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fount of all invention and innovation”.  Excellent start, fantastic! To supplement this theme, as well as credibility, Rowling shares her experiences with Amnesty – an organisation of “people who have never been tortured…[yet] act on behalf for those who have” – in promulgation of “human empathy” to envision and promote a more desirable society. Try to change your reference style for things like this, abstract your analysis away from the details. Just, "Rowling's use of anecdotal evidence with regard to her work Amnesty, generates audience interest and communicates_____." Or similar, is enough, the marker doesn't need plot details! Correspondingly, in expounding the humanitarian desire of Amnesty does it symbolise how, on larger scale, our combined efforts will advance humanity to that of a prosperous future in that she assures “we have the power to imagine better” hence galvanising the importance of imagination to erect change.       

Likewise, in imagination so is art – the expression of creativity adds value and dimension to the lives of others. Blanchett’s promotion of the importance of art is substantiated though viewing the innovations instituted by Gough Whitlam, such as free healthcare and tertiary education, in the making of a better society; to which the repetition of “I am the beneficiary” in conjunction with inclusive language of “us” and “we” underpins authenticity and the widespread social impacts that Whitlam had contributed to. This commonality is highlighted as the audience claps in showing the reciprocation of their gratitude of the effect Whitlam had on their lives. Conclusively in the epilogue, Blanchett quotes Whitlam to not only commemorate him but in upholding his vision, can it inspire the audience to adapt a similar vision in “the creation of a society in which the arts…can flourish”.

Thus, both speeches promote imagination as the foundation of creating an even greater society that appeals to the hearts of all. Hence, these speeches retain a timelessness as the power to envision a better society is infinite. Your conclusion definitely needs a little bit more substance! Try to fill it with a re-statement of your Thesis, relinking the question to the essay, introduce your texts, etc.

This is a cool speech!! You've got your work cut out for you, a speech about speeches is tough to get right, but you are definitely on your way! Great examples, good links to the question, great topic sentences android structure!

I'd like to see you do some more creative things rhetorically; develop a motif perhaps (your introduction has a prime candidate for this). Further, be certain to cover what the speeches teach us about the concept in general; you can completely abstract such explanations from what the speech is about.

My big comment for the whole essay is MAKING A JUDGEMENT! Remember, you have an evaluate question here, so you need to adjust the essay so that you are continually judging how well the text(s) promote making a difference. Slight changes of wording and additions of phrases should do most of this work for you 

Finally, a few little messy wording issues throughout, I mentioned where they were and they should be easy to fix!

You've got incredible textual knowledge and fantastic ideas, I love what you are doing with them! Just needs a little polish I think, great work!! 

[Adriaclya]

Thank you jamon! I shall smash the speech...after editing first, of course

[jamonwindeyer]

Thank you jamon! I shall smash the speech...after editing first, of course

I bet you will, good luck! 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hello! This is an essay I've done for MOD C (Metropolis/1984) and am desperately needing help!! It's waay too long (so please cross out anything you think is irrelevant!!), and I'm not really sure if I've answered the question well enough? I've really struggled and my expression is super messy but please be tough THANKYOU SO MUCH

Hey there Liiz! Thanks for posting, I've attached your essay below with some feedback! I crossed out any sentences that I felt were a bit unnecessary for you 

Spoiler

How does the study of Metropolis and 1984 enrich your understanding of control? Must refer to context, intertextual perspectives and themes. Study how meaning is conveyed through context, characterisation, imagery and symbolism in both texts. Show how the context of the visual and prose texts reflect specific perspectives

Metropolis, directed by Fritz Lang and George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984) are two dystopian texts that, respectively, elucidate the context of Weimar Germany and Britain's post-WWII environment. I'd like to see your first sentence instead give some kind of Thesis about control; thus creating a more conceptual response. As a result, both Lang and Orwell have developed an insightful representation of the abuse of power, at the extremes of totalitarian and fascist regimes. Nice integration of contexts here. Their different perspectives on similar content, however, highlight the values and attitudes of the composer’s time period. Thus, through a comparative study of Metropolis and 1984, the responder can gain a greater appreciation for how intertextual perspectives shape meaning within literature. Furthermore, audiences are able to enrich their understanding of excessive control to be an influential power on societal relations that is only exacerbated when paired with technology. I really love this Thesis! However, you need to make 'control' a greater focus, bringing it in at the end does not give it the proper attention it deserves. Make it the focus from the start to properly address the question.

The abuse of power by means of control has often lead to social divisions and instability, as illustrated by Metropolis and 1984. Nice, succinct, powerful good stuff. Lang’s 1927 silent film reflects upon the context of Germany’s Weimar Republic, following WWI, whereby authoritarian powers created economic and political inequalities. Lang establishes a strong juxtaposition between the futuristic set design of the upper echelons of society and the dark, bleak conditions found underground. Influenced by the time period, the art-deco style of the city is characterised by precise and boldly delineated geometric shapes. Nice techniques so far. Although nothing like Germany at the time, the city held similarities to the vast physical dimensions of rapidly expanding cities further west, such as New York. The film explores how the decadence and delights of modern cities is built, quite literally, on inequality. Worker’s painstakingly toil below to support the city’s operation, emphasised through Lang’s use of chiaroscuro lighting and contrasting costuming between the dark uniforms of workers to the light outfits of the elite. Audiences emphasise with the exhausted workers as they trudge in stylised, synchronised columns during the shift-change. This sentence and the previous sentence could be blended together, you have everything you need, but you don't need the plot link (the bit I crossed out). Wide shots and melodious non-diegetic music capture the upper class running freely in “The Eternal Gardens.” To Lang, the city of the future was synonymous with exploitation, power, corruption and control. This is further highlighted through the biblical imagery of the Tower of Babel, in the centre of the metropolis. Awesome. Symbolic of German expressionism, the visual iconography is used to construct the ideological message of Fredersen’s power and god-like status. Additionally, shots of the small city below demonstrate his dominance and control over the lower classes. “Great is the world and it’s maker! And great is man” is emblematic of man’s hubris and mirrors Fredersen’s characterisation. Whilst the struggle between social divisions is made apparent, Lang’s film depicts a romanticised view of industrialisation through the repetitive motif of hands and heads. As noted by Maria, “Between the mind that plans and the hands that build, there must be a mediator… the heart.” Freder eventually becomes the mediator between Fredersen and the workers in order for them to co-exist peacefully and build a stable, positive future as signified by their handshake. Be sure to avoid these "plot based" explanations that do not have any real technique associated, they cause you to slip into textual retell. As such, whilst Lang reflects upon the imbalances of power and control that occurred within the historical context, he provides an optimistic ending based on mutual cooperation between the classes - an ideology that was beginning to take shape in Europe. In comparison, Orwell’s 1984 did not posit such hope and romanticism upon industrialisation. He saw states that were run by totalitarian dictators, such as Stalin and Hitler, as inherently dangerous for populations because the leaders would serve themselves and their interests before the people. By mentioning both texts in your topic sentence, you imply that you will cover both equally. This is not quite what you've done and so leaves me with a feeling there are things missing; it doesn't let you prove your argument. Therefore, the different contexts of Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four provide a strong case for how time and place influences meaning.

Nonetheless, like Metropolis, Orwell’s novel written in 1949, enriches audiences understanding of how control and power can impact societal relations. Following the fascism and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union, Orwell creates a society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual's life is subject to manipulation and overt control. This is implemented in the name of Big Brother. Whilst a symbol of trust and protection in the eyes of obedient individuals, he comes to represent oppression and absolute power. Humans rights are exchanged for state stability, security and hierarchy. The indoctrination by Big Brother and the Party is evident through the distortion of language, known as “newspeak”, in order to suppress any individual’s thoughts that go against the party and their beliefs in “Ingsoc”, or English Socialism. Furthermore, the idea that “who controls the past controls the present” held by the Party accounts for how they rewrite history in the hypocritically-named “Ministry of Truth” in order to maintain their hierarchical position above the rest of society. This is particularly applied to the proles as “The party taught that [they] were natural inferiors who must be kept in subjugation.”I really love your techniques and explanations in this first part of the paragraph, but you aren't linking the techniques to what the AUDIENCE learns about control, this is the last step and it is absolutely essential in this Module.Furthermore, the emphatic language in “the ordinary people, the workers… were [the party’s] slaves” echoes Metropolis and conveys how the excessive use of power and control by the upper party creates social divisions. Additionally, Orwell reflects upon the period following the war, and the way in which leaders instilled hate and violence within their societies against outcasts. Mirroring the fierce anti-semitism and Nuremberg Nazi Hate rallies in Germany and creating allusions to WWI through the Jewish name, Emmanuel Goldstein as the leader of the opposition, Winston describes that “the horrible thing about Two Minute Hate was not that one was obliged to act a part, but that it was impossible to avoid joining in… turning into a grimacing, screaming lunatic.” As such, the excessive power and control that the Party use to create the social hierarchy is as a result of their indoctrination and manipulation, as done by some governments in the 20th century. Nice contextual link. The imperative and emphatic language in “WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH” further emphasises the Party’s psychological power over the state as the propaganda is never questioned. Anyone that did, “simply disappeared and were never heard of again.” This sense of absolute control, derived from fear, echoes the horrific events taken place during WWII. It is clear that Metropolis and 1984 both explore the idea of excessive control and the way in which it can influence societal relations and class structure, in a slightly different light. Therefore, audiences are able to enrich their understanding of control as well as appreciate the value that context can give to literature. Love what you are doing, all I am missing is what the audience learns (Audience Impact).

The detrimental outcomes when control is exerted through technology provide the foundations to Metropolis and 1984. What sort of detrimental outcomes? Be specific from the start. Technological advances in Metropolis symbolically represent humanity’s achievements of the 20th century. However, Lang illustrates his concern for humanity when there is an over-reliance on technology. Try to find a better choice than "over-reliance". In the famous Moloch scene, a low angle shot of the monstrous machine, from Freder’s perspective, make its central position, size and symmetry an even more intimidating sight. Lang’s directorial demand for exaggerated facial expressions by the workers as well as flashing lights and increasingly dramatic music communicate that a mechanical crisis is imminent. You have now fallen into a textual retell; see how you are literally just recounting a scene? The techniques don't assist this, because your focus must be on meaning I won't cross it all out, but you can do all of this scene in one sentence if you are clever. After an explosion, the low camera angle is raised so that the higher levels of the machine can now be seen and Moloch, the ancient deity that was honoured with human sacrifice takes shape. In this powerful scene, Lang fuses the pagan past with a capitalist present whereby the masses are still exploited and dehumanised to meet the needs of the powerful elite. Nice! The composer offers a warning of what can happen where there is an over-reliance on technology, and the dehumanisation it causes. Viewers are also forced to feel that they are components of the machine with repetitive expressionist montages of heavy industrial equipment, whilst the workers appear to be no more than automatons as their robotic movements mirror the mechanical movement of the machines they tend. Cool, what does this teach them?  In Metropolis, the danger of idolising technology also becomes a contextual trigger for class conflict and social revolt. Cyborg Maria, created by Rotwang, the archetypal mad scientist, blurs the boundaries between human and machine and comes to symbolise the “seven deadly sins.” The workers who rise to cyborg Maria’s call to destroy the machines, unknowingly leave their children behind in peril when their rampage causes flooding. The music reaches a crescendo as the youth struggle to stay above the rising water, creating an atmosphere of uncertainty and anxiety. Whilst taking control of the present, Lang shows how the future, that the children represent, may be sacrificed through such frenzied rebellion. You don't need the plot description to make this (very clever) point. As such, the different perspectives that both composers hold on rebellion as a result of excessive control and use of technology emphasis the values held by society of the time period, yet have been able to enrich contemporary audiences understanding of similar content. Again, haven't seen 1984 in this paragraph, I think you need to re-adjust your topic sentence.

Technology plays an extensive role in how control is employed by the Party in Orwell’s novel, 1984. The stark and oppressive posters of Big Brother - that some have interpreted to resemble Hitler or Stalin - serve as a constant reminder to individuals that every aspect of their lives is monitored for “Big Brother is watching you.” The government’s ability to control and manipulate society is seen through the technological advancements of tele-screens, microphones and cameras. Orwell’s utilisation of a simile in “[they] had watched him like a beetle under a magnifying glass” effectively conveys the overwhelming presence and scrutiny of the Thought Police. Thus showing the audience? Orwell’s fear for technology was that governments would seize the power to peer into people’s private lives and there was no way of knowing whether citizens were being watched at any given moment. Audiences understand this through the fear-provoking language, “technological progress only happens when its products can in some way be used for the diminution of human liberty.” As such, the total lack of freedom as a result of increasing technology forces the regimented society to essentially become “the dead” with nothing “except for a few cubic centimetres inside [their] skull” being their own. Winston’s rebellion stems from this complete control and watchful eye of the Party. His actions are significantly different to the frantic scenes in Metropolis, as he carries out quite ordinary activities - a love affair, consuming “real” coffee and questioning the Party’s claim that “two plus two make five.” However, the climax of the novel in “Room 101” sees Winston’s personal rebellion to destabilise an entrenched despotic regime, being undermined by O’Brian. Try to minimise these more retell-focused sections to get your word count down! The process is explicitly confronting, making readers imagine themselves in Winston’s torture chamber and identifying with his suffering. In the end, the protagonist’s total subjugation and the Party’s “victory” over him is confirmed by the helpless, dejected tone - “He loved Big Brother.” As such, 1984 reveals the fragility of human resilience in the face of a ruthless, totalitarian regime exacerbated by the use of technology, that Orwell saw in his post-WWII environment. Therefore, readers enrich their understanding of the detrimental and grim outcomes of excessive control on society when technology is introduced through 1984, and gain a different perspective from Metropolis.

Exploring the excesses of totalitarian regimes and reflecting on the horrors of war at the time each text were constructed, Lang and Orwell evidently promote values that are devoid from the societies they illustrate. Devoid might not be the word you want here, don't you mean they come from the authors views on their societies? Maybe, "derived?" As such, Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four critically explore the abusive and dehumanising exercise of power under an autocratic leadership in which the populace is deprived, oppressed and alienated. Responders are able to enrich their understanding of excessive control as being an influence on social relations and stability as well as how such detrimental outcomes are only exacerbated through the use of technology. This conclusion is nice! Succinct but detailed enough to work, nicely done.

This is a fantastic essay Liiz! It answers the question well (especially given how much you need to cover), lots of contextual links, fantastic techniques, and your links between the texts are good (though they could be fleshed out in a little more detail) 

For your Thesis, make sure you bring up control straight away. It is the focus of your essay and so should appear in your first sentence as a Thesis statement.

In your body paragraphs, the big thing I'm missing is AUDIENCE IMPACT! You do a great job of explaining how techniques are used by the composer, but I'm not getting too much of WHY. What does the audience learn from the representational choices? This is the focus of the module, representation (technique) and meaning, so it must be at the forefront of your analysis. Doing this will naturally shift you away from textual retell, which is where most of your unnecessary words are created. Improve analysis and you'll also likely fix the word count, two words with one stone 

Besides this, it is a very effective piece Liiz, excellent work!! 

[FallonXay]

Hiya again!
Thanks for the feedback on the other essay. I've written an intro (which is similar to the first one but different thesis) and a first paragraph for another Module C essay to practice establishing a thesis, integrating examples/effects and again cohesion. Could you please look over what I have written and provide any feedback? Thanks!

Also, a question regarding the introduction: Should I not be wasting time establishing the plots of the two texts? - and instead directly delve into a general exploration of the thesis?

How do texts in this elective represent people and politics in compelling ways?

Through a deliberate representation of shared perspectives within narratives, composers successfully depict people and politics in compelling ways. Through this representation, the composers Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs, are able to present their ideologies. Barry Levinson’s 1997 satirical film Wag The Dog, humorously explores the concept by which the political world, engendered by a manipulative, theatrical element, accommodates personalities in which are most cunning. As a result of these personalities, society is forced to endure the negative repercussions in which were instigated by political motivations. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman portrays a machiavellian stance of the political world demonstrated through the character’s unscrupulous actions which are a direct consequence of the author’s overshadowing perspective. Through a thorough understanding of the mechanisms of representation, the composers purposefully employ their predominantly pessimistic representation of politics within their narratives to effectively communicate these ideologies to the audience.

With the intention to effectively portray an opinion, the composers seek to intrigue the audience through their respective narratives. This is achieved through embodying a variety of different personalities within texts, so that the composers are able appeal to a larger market and thus extend the boundaries of their representation. This is explicitly demonstrated in Barry Levinson's film Wag The Dog whereby the central political figure Brean, idolised as 'Mr Fix It', is portrayed as single-minded in pursuit of his desires. He states 'It doesn't matter how the fuck you get there, as long as you get there'. Through emphasising the point 'as long as you get there', Brean's cunning nature is accentuated as his determination is revealed through his blind pursuit of his goals regardless of the repercussions. Furthermore, the casual tone engendered by the use of profanity 'Fuck' reinforces the notion by which the mindset illustrated by Brean is a commonality in the political line of work, hence portraying Levinson's demoralised view on the political world. In contrast, the character of Motss is presented as a completely opposite character. He is portrayed with an egocentric personality whereas Brean is depicted as a ruthless calculus. This is especially evident in the 'The Story of 'Old Shoe' goes live' scene whereby Motss voluntarily presents a rousing reading of the President's speech with success demonstrated through the profound impact of his presentation through close-up shots revealing the emotional effects coupled with the diegetic sounds of crying and sniffing. Motss' inherently emotional nature is revealed though his evidently narcissistic and egotistic disposition as he seeks praise for his efforts, questioning 'Conny, What did you think?' after an evidently successful speech. These two characters, whilst sharing the common quality of featuring Levinson's misandry towards the political world, are presented in discernibly differing ways. As a result of this stimulated interest, through accomodating a variety of representations of the characters and thus a compelling environment, Levinson is able to successfully enforce his negative impression of the political world.

[lb1493]

Hey so this is my module B essay, it got a 14/20 which I was kind of surprised about!! Could you please let me know where to improve? We got given the essay question but we had to listen to a provided related in class that's why there is a gap, so this is for half the essay!! I still don't really understand MOD C that well but yeah if you could have a look that would be greatly appreciated

Thanks in advance Lucy 

Examine the ways composers represent their ideas about the relationship between people and landscapes.  In your response make detailed reference to your core text, The Art of Travel, and the related text that you will hear and analyse during the Listening task.

The capacity to develop an authentic relationship with landscapes does not simply hinge upon the geographical land traversed, but rather it is intellectual exploration, a travel which requires no locomotion, that is possibly the most spell-binding. Swiss-born London-based humanist Alain de Botton explores the philosophical questions raised by our desire to explore the unknown in his genre-bending text The Art of Travel (2002), thus shining a light on the complex dynamic at play between people and landscapes in our contemporary world. Alain de Botton adds credence to his exploration of this modern phenomenon as he calls upon renowned painters, poets, Romantics and aesthetes, thereby allowing the responder to identify with his overarching message. Just as de Botton breaks down traditional assumptions and definitions of travel, The Art of Travel refuses to be held hidebound by conventional notions regarding genre, being a hybrid text, which weaves art history, travelogue, socio-cultural anthropology and philosophy, with autobiographical insights. RELATED TEXT INTRODUCTION, MAJOR THEMES (RELEVANT TO THESIS AND QUESTION), ADDRESS THE QUESTION. Composers, such as de Botton and ____, utilise a plethora of techniques to elicit a multi-sensory sensory response from their audience, thus highlighting the ever-complex nature of the relationship between people and landscapes.

Not only does Alain de Botton provide the reader with a unique insight into his own expeditions, but he also enriches the responder’s ability to reevaluate their relationship with landscapes by making frequent reference to the aesthetic endeavours and travel experiences of eminent scholars and artists including Baudelaire and Van Gogh. Specifically, de Botton invokes the renowned Romantic literary figure, William Wordsworth, and his poem ‘Tintern Abbey’, to convey the irrelevance of ‘spots of time’ in humanity’s cultivation of an authentic relationship with nature. Through linking ‘individualised experiences with a cultural tradition of journeying and its narrative construction’ (Doloughan), de Botton invites readers to meditate upon their own memories of travel. The use of these historical guides lends de Botton’s argument a heightened degree of credibility, allowing the responder to identify with The Art of Travel’s overarching message regarding the increasingly multiplex relationship between people and landscapes.

De Botton, through his use of a unique hybrid form, where visual images evocatively complement written exposition, subverts traditional notions of narrative and by implication, challenges readers’ preconceived ideas regarding their relationship to landscapes. Specifically, de Botton’s incorporation of 18th century paintings, such as William Hodge’s ‘Tahiti Revisited’, elicits an exquisite sensory response from his readers. This visceral experience allows responders to recall their own relationship with the surrounding environment, while simultaneously underscoring the innate beauty and wonder that can be derived when individuals foster an authentic relationship with landscapes. The Art of Travel’s juxtaposition of narrative blocks with the immediacy of visual representations facilitates de Botton’s overarching objective, as he states ’valuable elements may be easier to experience in art…(for art) lends to life a vividness and coherence that it may lack in the distracting woolliness of the present.’ This stimulation of senses serves to highlight the resonating power of art to elicit a response of which readers re-evaluate their own relationship with the surrounding world.
Furthermore, de Botton’s refusal to conform to readers’ expectations regarding genre reflects his belief in the importance of an open and receptive ‘travelling mindset’ in appreciating the wonder and beauty of nature. Specifically, de Botton, seeking to emulate French writer Xavier de Maistre's observant approach to travel, examines fragments of his London neighbourhood in order to better appreciate the nuances of his surrounding world. De Botton understands that it is only individuals in possession of such a state of mind, who ‘carry with us no rigid ideas about what is interesting’, that are able to derive the psychologically enriching rewards that travel has to offer, for ‘the pleasure we derive from the journey’ is ‘dependent more on the mindset with which we travel that on the destination we travel to.’

Composers Alain de Botton and _____  utilise a multitude of linguistic, visual and oratory techniques to convey the dichotomous relationship between people and landscapes. Ironically, in a world in which the scope of travel has widened, the chasm between humanity and landscapes has continued its alienating trajectory. Alain de Botton’s The Art of Travel and _______  evocatively demonstrate that it is not the external landscape travelled but rather, the requisite of curiosity and intellectual engagement within the internal landscape of the self, that allows individuals to breach this gap and foster an enriching and authentic relationship with their surrounding world.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey so this is my module B essay, it got a 14/20 which I was kind of surprised about!! Could you please let me know where to improve? We got given the essay question but we had to listen to a provided related in class that's why there is a gap, so this is for half the essay!! I still don't really understand MOD C that well but yeah if you could have a look that would be greatly appreciated

Thanks in advance Lucy 

Hey Lucy!! Thanks for posting your essay! Unfortunately we have a restriction for marking on this forum, you must have a minimum of 5 posts on ATAR Notes. This is to ensure the service doesn't become too clogged up and thus remains as beneficial as possible. You are only 3 posts off the limit, so hang around the forums for a while and you'll be there in no time. Then just let us know in this thread when you've reached it and we'll go back and mark your essay!! Thanks in advance 

[beanybagger]

Sorry for asking on this thread, but how do you post a new question on the forums?