English Standard Essay Marking

[jamonwindeyer]

can you have a look through my essay thanks

Sure thing amandali, attached with comments in bold! 

Spoiler

Distinctive images offer a variety of perspectives on the world. Compare how this is achieved in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

As Umberto Eco argues, a composer who makes use of distinctly visual language is one that relies on the image as “a stimulus for critical reflection”. Henry Lawson is a composer who effectively fulfils this criterion as his use of visual devices forms distinctive images that offer diverse perspectives which reshapes and enhances reader’s understanding of the world around them and subsequently induces critical reflection. A slightly different approach to a Thesis than I would normally take, but you know what, I like this. Works well. This is evident in Henry Lawson’s short stories, In a Dry’s Season and The Bush Undertaker, as it both projects a desolated view of the Australian bush into reader’s mind and challenges widely-held perceptions of life in the bush during late 1800s. Similarly, in Kenneth Slessor’s poem, “North Country”, visual devices are employed to enrich graphic imagery of demolition of nature to offer a perspective and provoke a horrified response at the humanity’s cruelty. I think you need another sentence here to address the question, compare how distinctive images are portrayed and link to perspectives. Also, why are distinctive images powerful?.

In In a Dry’s Season, Lawson illustrates his personal journey from Bathurst to Bourke to provide insight into the life of Australia bush people through the use of distinctive visual language. Try to make your first sentence conceptual, introduce the text in your amplification statement! The short story begins with an imperative tone, “Draw a wire fence and a few ragged gums and add some scattered sheep” which draws attention to the bleak visual imagery of the inhospitable and sparse environment in the outback. Lawson scathes the pitiful treatment of the bush men with the use of exclamatory language, “they talk of settling people on the land!”, emphasising the absurdity of encouraging them to settle on infertile land thus criticising the harsh life in the relentless Australian outback. Great analysis, but I'd like more reference to "distinctive images," what images are formed in the mind of the audience? In a Dry Season lacks femininity which represents outback as a very tough and masculine environment for women, but however, contrasts to The Drover’s Wife which has a loving mother figure whose masculinity is displayed through her protection of her children. The stifling and inhibiting nature of the bush is reflected through the appearance of the bushmen, “slop sac suits, red faces and old-fashioned flat-brimmed hats” where the accumulation of adjectives emphasise their outdated and peculiar matching of clothes. Thus, revealing the inadequacy of the inhabitants and further captures the outlook of uncivilised and desolated outback. Be careful with expression: This doesn't flow naturally from the last sentence. Lawson employs dark humour in “death is about the only cheerful thing in the bush” which conveys the abnormality that only death can break their lonely and monotonous life hence elucidating his sardonic perception of the tough life in the outback.  Therefore, Lawson projects distinctive images of the harshness of the bush to provide his bleak perspective on life in the bush through the use of literal techniques. I don't think you've accentuated the distinctive images enough here: You need frequent reference to the distinctive image formed in the mind of the audience, and therefore, how our perspective on the Australian bush (for example) is altered.

In the poem, "North Country", Kenneth Slessor depicts the distinctive vivid image of the spoiled pristine natural environment in North of Sydney as a consequence of humanity’s greed. Again, try to go conceptual. Through the employment of distinctive visual devices, Slessor provides a perspective of humanity’s fading appreciation for intrinsic beauty of nature which results from its selfish obsession with industrial progress. Example? Slessor adopts free verse form in the poem marked by the elegance of his poetic expression to present his appreciation of a dwindling nature. The poem begins with a playful visual image of personified "gesturing woods", which elucidates the vitality of the trees which offers rejuvenation. Retell. Then, Slessor introduces a starkly contrasting imagery of harsh imposition of man-made structures in “But verticals and perpendiculars” with the use of fatalistic tone to criticise the fact that human greed is causing the extinction of nature. How does that imagery help create a distinctive image (you must be explicit). In the end of 2nd stanza, Slessor uses semi-colon to mark the passage of time which conveys the majestic sight of trees that "nobody cares" for are the only remains of the persona's memories thus emphasising the sense of neglect of nature. This section has shifted heavily into retell: This, then this, then this: Avoid this! The dead trees appear to be "like broken teeth with smoky antlers broken in the sky" and this highlights that they are slaughtered like stags in large mass and the repetition of "broken" intensifies the severe damage caused by human violence, thus conveying Slessor's criticism towards human's single mindedness. Good! This is furthered through the personification in "trunks that lie grotesquely rigid" which depicts the agony and rigidity of death of these trees with twisted trunks thus emphasising the level of human cruelty. In final line, Slessor portrays trees as a victim of mankind through the graphic imagery evoked by personification of them "dripping red with blood" in which the lurid appearance of blood intensify the violent murder of trees for the sake of human's relentless construction. Therefore, distinctive visual is conveyed through the visual impact of Slessor’s use of graphic imagery depicting the brutal destruction of nature which reveals his perspective and stance against the transience of natural world due to human’s foolishness. Better audience links to perspective in this paragraph, but I'm still missing a specific recognition of a distinctive visual image, try to link to how the technique helps the audience form an image in their mind.

The Bush Undertaker, presents a visual vignette of a bush man’s life, showing his familiarity with the harsh bush life through the use of distinctive visual language. A little too much like a recount here, you can go more sophisticated! The protagonist is characterised as “hatter”, “shepherd”, “bush undertaker” and “old man” which reveals his multiple personalities resulted by the mind-numbing loneliness of isolation and grinding monotony of the bush. Techniques here? This is reinforced as he admits with dark humour “I ain’t a-spendin’ sech a dull Christmas arter all” which emphasises his eccentricity as he spends a traditionally wholesome occasion with a bizarre grotesque ritual. What distinctive image(s) are these techniques enabling the audience form? The bleak visual imagery of parched landscape emphasised by the alliterative phrase “ bank of a barren creek”, mirrors “the narrow almost waterless creek” in The Drover’s Wife and highlights the stoicism and resilience of the old man within the isolated and relentless bush. The embedded sibilance in “awful scrutiny that gleamed on him from those empty sockets” quickens the pace and emphasises the horrific visual shock when the old man faces the mummified corpse which turns out to be his old friend, Brummy, thus conveying the ghastliness of lonely death in the bush. But what does it convey generally, like beyond this specific context? This is furthered through the dark humour “nothing much mattered in the bush” to highlight the central truth that there is no distinction between living and dead in the outback, thus encompasses the struggle of living in the desolated bush. Hence, Lawson powerfully constructs a distinctive visual image of hardships in the outback to offer readers his view of the desolated bush.

Conclusively, through Lawson’s short stories In a Dry Season and The Bush Undertaker and Slessor’s poem “North Country”, distinctive visual images are portrayed through the effective use of visual device, thereby offering diverse perspectives of the world which reshape and enhance reader’s understanding. More depth needed in this conclusion. Try this method: Restate Thesis -Link to Module- How do Texts represent this Thesis? - What have you talked about? - What is your final summary? That's 4 or 5 sentences there, easily enough depth!

Some really fantastic ideas in here amandali, super powerful stuff, and you have excellent text knowledge and some good analysis! I'd have two main big pieces of feedback:

1 - You aren't focusing on distinctive images throughout your response! It pops up in the introduction and conclusions often, but then is neglected throughout the analysis itself. Try to incorporate it; how do the techniques create distinctive visual images for the responder? Then, to link to the question correctly, how does this alter our perspective? It is this two step process that I think you are missing which means you aren't hammering home the question or the module  try doing things like:

The composer utilises TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE," which accentuates the distinctive imagery of ___________, thus alerting the audience to ___________. Rinse, repeat 

2 - Over-reliance on retell. Remember, the text is just a tool to convey meaning, what happens within a text or to its characters is complete inconsequential. With this in mind, you are analysing the text from a very text-focused perspective, using plot elements or recounts to prove points. EG: The poem begins with a playful visual image of personified "gesturing woods", which elucidates the vitality of the trees which offers rejuvenation. This is really just recount with a technique, and then you link to a concept. You can do better!

Your sentences should be COMPOSER does this, COMPOSER uses that, always the composer. This will drastically reduce the chance of accidental retell, because you aren't talking about the characters, you are talking about their puppet master, as it were 

I hope this feedback helps! Let me know if you had any questions about it 

[jamonwindeyer]

Attention! The essay marking requirements have been updated, in effect for every essay posted below this mark  The post exchange rate has now been increased to 15, that is, every piece of feedback is now worth 15 posts. 3 essays marked needs 45 ATAR Notes posts, 10 essays needs 150 posts, etc etc. The full essay rules are available at this link! Thanks everyone! 

[katherine123]

Can you mark a part of the paragraph from my essay on Billy Elliot film and Big world by Tim Winton ? thanks

Big World conveys the change in individuals’ understanding of themselves and the world around them as their pre-existing attitudes and beliefs are challenged during the process of transition.  In the Big World, the narrator strongly values his friendship with Biggie although it stifles his own maturation. The inclusive language of “we”, “our” and “Biggie and me” demonstrates the narrator’s sense of a shared identity with Biggie which enabled him to gain sense of belonging and security. The active verbs in “we’re laughing and pointing and shoving…” reinforces that despite their close bond, both friends are trapped in a regressive state of playful immaturity. As the narrator desires something beyond his small town existence, his friendship with Biggie begins to disintegrate. This is foreshadowed in the narrator’s fatalistic tone, “In his head
he’s always seen himself at the meatworks or the cannery…He’s content, he belongs”. The narrator’s escalating sense of difference is demonstrated through the accumulated visual imagery of the exotic places he desires to visit, “Skeleton Coast…Piazza San Marco…Manila”. Like Billy who struggles with the monotony of a small mining town, the narrator feels overwhelmed by the emptiness of a sparsely populated rural Australia. This is emphasised through the use of repetition in “We’ve reached a world…..where nobody knows us and nobody cares”. Therefore, the narrator’s “dreams of big world” ultimately leads him away from Biggie to find a life filled with possibilities and independence where the metaphor of “burning kite” marks the end of his childhood. Thus, process of transition can challenge individuals’ beliefs and attitudes which results the change in their understanding of themselves and the world around them.

[jamonwindeyer]

Can you mark a part of the paragraph from my essay on Billy Elliot film and Big world by Tim Winton ? thanks

Absolutely I can! 

Big World conveys the change in individuals’ understanding of themselves and the world around them as their pre-existing attitudes and beliefs are challenged during the process of transition. Try to make your paragraph topic sentence conceptual, introduce the text in a second amplification sentence! This puts the focus on the concept and gets you out of the realm of textual retell. In the Big World, the narrator strongly values his friendship with Biggie although it stifles his own maturation. Retell, this is unnecessary.. The inclusive language of “we”, “our” and “Biggie and me” demonstrates the narrator’s sense of a shared identity with Biggie which enabled him to gain sense of belonging and security. What does this show the audience about how beliefs are challenged? The active verbs in “we’re laughing and pointing and shoving…” reinforces that despite their close bond, both friends are trapped in a regressive state of playful immaturity. Good, thus showing the audience _______? As the narrator desires something beyond his small town existence, his friendship with Biggie begins to disintegrate. Retell. This is foreshadowed in the narrator’s fatalistic tone, “In his head he’s always seen himself at the meatworks or the cannery…He’s content, he belongs”. The narrator’s escalating sense of difference is demonstrated through the accumulated visual imagery of the exotic places he desires to visit, “Skeleton Coast…Piazza San Marco…Manila”. Like Billy who struggles with the monotony of a small mining town, the narrator feels overwhelmed by the emptiness of a sparsely populated rural Australia. Retell. This is emphasised through the use of repetition in “We’ve reached a world…..where nobody knows us and nobody cares”. Therefore, the narrator’s “dreams of big world” ultimately leads him away from Biggie to find a life filled with possibilities and independence where the metaphor of “burning kite” marks the end of his childhood. Retell. Thus, process of transition can challenge individuals’ beliefs and attitudes which results the change in their understanding of themselves and the world around them. Great conclusion, but I don't feel like you've backed this concept up in your paragraph. Be careful that you stay on track!

This is a good paragraph Katherine! I'd have two recommendations: First of all, you need to eliminate retell! There are sentences in here that just tell me something about what happened in the text. You don't need this, remember, your marker has read your text! You need to focus on techniques used by the composer and how they portray your concept to the audience. My second recommendation is ensuring that your concept is sustained through the paragraph. I'm not getting the proper links to the idea of 'transitions challenging individual beliefs,' that you established in the first sentence. Your first sentence is like a contract: Be sure to talk about what you say you will talk about by linking to the idea explicitly and frequently! Great work Katherine 

[olivercutbill]

Hey!

This essay is for Mod C, elective: Exploring Transitions.
Texts: The Story of Tom Brennan and Big World

Thank you so much guys

Significant transitions in one’s life are marked by growth and insight.
Discuss this statement making reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE related text of your own choosing.

Transitions into new phases of life provide environments where distinct events push individuals towards reconsideration of themselves and others, which develops into growth of the individual and insight into certain truths of life. Furthermore, some transitions, especially the physical, reveal characteristics of contexts that cause significant emotional reactions to the environment as a whole. Such is explored in J.C. Burke’s novel The Story of Tom Brennan and Tim Winton’s short story Big World, one of seventeen short stories in his unique Australian novel The Turning. Both Australian authors examine the physical transition in the distinct Australian context, but each infers different outcomes for their protagonists; differences which shape key relationships and outcomes in the texts.

The process of transitioning to new environments allow the individual to encounter new, previously unattainable experiences, permitting them to grow and realise new things about the world. Due to the crisis caused by Daniel’s crash, Burke, in The Story of Tom Brennan, depicts how crisis can cause individuals to reconsider and grow. Through his new context at Coghill, Tom is able to realise new insights about rugby which had hitherto defined how he sees himself. “Something was dawning on me, something I thought I’d never feel”, utilises the imagery of dawning and hence implies the enlightenment Tom feels when he is able to experience rugby without winning. Burke too references the initial transition of the family at dawn and thus symbolises his growth into new perspectives as a result of his contextual transition.

Burke also emphasises how transitions can alter perceptions of relationships. Kylie, who originally acts outwards in response to the transition, is able to reconcile Tom to his new physical context. Burke's cliche, “I’d be a liar if I said an enormous weight hadn’t been lifted off my shoulders” accentuates Tom’s realisation that transition is an innate feature of the human condition. This insight subsequently allows him to open to others who, in turn, aid in his transformation. Moreover, Tom’s transition has implications for his family relationships which are only possible due to his emotional growth. Repetition of the personal pronoun ‘I’ and the use of the first person voice in “a couple months ago, I’m sure it wound have sent me on a downward spiral. Now, It didn’t. I felt bad for him…I knew how much it could hurt” metaphorically encapsulates the shift in Tom to new worlds; he is able to understand and empathise which Brendan rather than returning to the motif of “blackness” and personified guilt. Furthermore, through the change in physical context, the bildungsroman protagonist in Tom is able to develop new insights into the defining aspects of his life.

Fundamentally, the nameless protagonist in Big World is similar to Tom, where the move to a new physical location reveals insights into the human condition. Although moving “north” to “blue skies” connotes freedom, the persona reflects subsequently through internal monologue that pure contextual freedom, although allowing for transcendent experiences, is ultimately overwhelming. Winton uses the title “Big World” ironically to foreshadow the experience of the protagonist in a world so large that is “around their ears”. The horizon imagery permeates throughout, but its meaning as a symbol changes, initially representing opportunity, but eventually revealing the insignificance of the protagonist such that he “just gives in” and watches. Metaphorically, this symbol also reflects the process of transition: from ignorance and naivety to insight into the human experience. The experience of travelling to other physical contexts gives the nameless protagonist the ability to grow emotionally, reflecting “It’s me all over. Its how I am with him and it’s not pretty”, after seeing Biggie and Med. Winton’s use of analogue cements the emotional transition, allowing the persona to see his relationship with biggie in perspective; a feature of the physical transition. Additionally, the form of the short story highlights the brevity of life and structurally reflects the realisation that occurs due to the transformative experience of moving away.

Although both texts examine the effect of a transformative experience as it occurs due to a physical transition, both authors infer different outcomes for their protagonists as a result of comparative transitions. The first-person narration in both texts provide subjective perceptions of the individual’s transitions. However, Burke illustrates through Tom that new material contexts provide an opportunity for transformative experiences and growth. The various flashbacks and largely non-linear structure of the prose aids this subjective reality and systemically reflects Tom’s condition of having to continually look to the past and the future. Burke’s utilisation of free indirect discourse: “When I as with Chrissy, I was me again” merges Tom and the Author’s voice to comment on how Coghill has had a net positive effect on Tom. This is in contrast to Winton’s conclusion for his protagonist, who must submit back to his original context in light of the transformative experience. The vehicle of the physical transition “smoulders and hisses for a while as the sun sinks” metaphorically encapsulates the nature of the protagonists transition and acts as a symbol for attempts to escape from a ‘big world’. Thus, the protagonist “going back on the bus south for a second chance” refers to Winton commenting on the insignificance of the human condition, explored through the physical transition.

Transitions into new phases of life present opportunities for growth and insight of individuals. Whilst a similar transition may occur to different people, the result will be determined by the nature of relationships. Such is explored in The Story of Tom Brennan and Big World. Given contextual changes and relationships, Burke and Winton illustrate that there are differing results for various individuals.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey!

This essay is for Mod C, elective: Exploring Transitions.
Texts: The Story of Tom Brennan and Big World

Thank you so much guys

Hey Oliver! Absolutely no worries, essay is attached with comments in the spoiler below

Spoiler

Significant transitions in one’s life are marked by growth and insight.
Discuss this statement making reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE related text of your own choosing.

Transitions into new phases of life provide environments where distinct events push individuals towards reconsideration of themselves and others, which develops into growth of the individual and insight into certain truths of life. Nice conceptual Thesis. Furthermore, some transitions, especially the physical, reveal characteristics of contexts that cause significant emotional reactions to the environment as a whole. Such is explored in J.C. Burke’s novel The Story of Tom Brennan and Tim Winton’s short story Big World, one of seventeen short stories in his unique Australian novel The Turning. Both Australian authors examine the physical transition in the distinct Australian context, but each infers different outcomes for their protagonists; differences which shape key relationships and outcomes in the texts. Be careful to make links to the audience and what we learn about transitions, not just how it affects what happens in the text. Great introduction, not much to say about it at all, you may want to list what your paragraph topics will be in some way to establish a better sense of structure, but the ideas are solid, great stuff

The process of transitioning to new environments allow the individual to encounter new, previously unattainable experiences, permitting them to grow and realise new things about the world. I reckon you could tidy up the expression, but good conceptual start. Due to the crisis caused by Daniel’s crash, Burke, in The Story of Tom Brennan, depicts how crisis can cause individuals to reconsider and grow. Through his new context at Coghill, Tom is able to realise new insights about rugby which had hitherto defined how he sees himself. “Something was dawning on me, something I thought I’d never feel”, utilises the imagery of dawning and hence implies the enlightenment Tom feels when he is able to experience rugby without winning. Slightly too much retell in that sentence, don't slip into recounting the text, I only need the technique and how it shows a transition. Burke too references the initial transition of the family at dawn and thus symbolises his growth into new perspectives as a result of his contextual transition. How is this symbolism achieved? (quote needed)

Burke also emphasises how transitions can alter perceptions of relationships. This transition is a little awkward; you need to establish the new concept properly just like you did in the first paragraph. Kylie, who originally acts outwards in response to the transition, is able to reconcile Tom to his new physical context. Burke's cliche, “I’d be a liar if I said an enormous weight hadn’t been lifted off my shoulders” accentuates Tom’s realisation that transition is an innate feature of the human condition. Better, though you don't need to say that it is Tom's realisation, it's a realisation of the audience as well! This insight subsequently allows him to open to others who, in turn, aid in his transformation. Retell. Moreover, Tom’s transition has implications for his family relationships which are only possible due to his emotional growth. Retell. Repetition of the personal pronoun ‘I’ and the use of the first person voice in “a couple months ago, I’m sure it wound have sent me on a downward spiral. Now, It didn’t. I felt bad for him…I knew how much it could hurt” metaphorically encapsulates the shift in Tom to new worlds; he is able to understand and empathise which Brendan rather than returning to the motif of “blackness” and personified guilt. That quote was far too long to just be talking about personal pronouns: Trim that right back to the bare essential. Furthermore, through the change in physical context, the bildungsroman protagonist in Tom is able to develop new insights into the defining aspects of his life. You are approaching this in a very text focused way for a very conceptual essay question. Try not to rely on the characters and plot too much; instead try and explore purely how technique shapes meaning. For example, you CAN write this essay without any mention of a character name, should you choose. That's how little the characters matter here.

Fundamentally, the nameless protagonist in Big World is similar to Tom, where the move to a new physical location reveals insights into the human condition. I like the inter-textual comparison, but I'd like the conceptual element of the "insights into the human condition" to be explored more. Although moving “north” to “blue skies” connotes freedom, the persona reflects subsequently through internal monologue that pure contextual freedom, although allowing for transcendent experiences, is ultimately overwhelming. Good concept, try to link it to the audience though! Winton uses the title “Big World” ironically to foreshadow the experience of the protagonist in a world so large that is “around their ears”. Fabulous. The horizon imagery permeates throughout, but its meaning as a symbol changes, initially representing opportunity, but eventually revealing the insignificance of the protagonist such that he “just gives in” and watches. ... Thus revealing to the audience ____________. Metaphorically, this symbol also reflects the process of transition: from ignorance and naivety to insight into the human experience. Good. The experience of travelling to other physical contexts gives the nameless protagonist the ability to grow emotionally, reflecting “It’s me all over. Its how I am with him and it’s not pretty”, after seeing Biggie and Med. Retell. Winton’s use of analogue cements the emotional transition, allowing the persona to see his relationship with biggie in perspective; a feature of the physical transition. Additionally, the form of the short story highlights the brevity of life and structurally reflects the realisation that occurs due to the transformative experience of moving away. This paragraph is more effective, because you step AWAY from the text for a bit and just say, "Yo, Burke does this and this is the effect." THAT is what I need more of.

Although both texts examine the effect of a transformative experience as it occurs due to a physical transition, both authors infer different outcomes for their protagonists as a result of comparative transitions. Again, good inter-textual comparison here. The first-person narration in both texts provide subjective perceptions of the individual’s transitions. Good. However, Burke illustrates through Tom that new material contexts provide an opportunity for transformative experiences and growth. The various flashbacks and largely non-linear structure of the prose aids this subjective reality and systemically reflects Tom’s condition of having to continually look to the past and the future. Burke’s utilisation of free indirect discourse: “When I as with Chrissy, I was me again” merges Tom and the Author’s voice to comment on how Coghill has had a net positive effect on Tom. Be more specific than "positive effect" for these sorts of comments. This is in contrast to Winton’s conclusion for his protagonist, who must submit back to his original context in light of the transformative experience. Retell. The vehicle of the physical transition “smoulders and hisses for a while as the sun sinks” metaphorically encapsulates the nature of the protagonists transition and acts as a symbol for attempts to escape from a ‘big world’. Awesome. Thus, the protagonist “going back on the bus south for a second chance” refers to Winton commenting on the insignificance of the human condition, explored through the physical transition. Again, a more effective paragraph because you are stepping away from your textual approach. Still some polish required, but the second half of your essay is closer to the mark than your first half.

Transitions into new phases of life present opportunities for growth and insight of individuals. Whilst a similar transition may occur to different people, the result will be determined by the nature of relationships. Such is explored in The Story of Tom Brennan and Big World. Given contextual changes and relationships, Burke and Winton illustrate that there are differing results for various individuals.You'll likely want a little more depth than this for your conclusion, but that's not a huge concern. This is a simple bare bones conclusion that works.

The ideas in this essay are really fantastic, very clever exploration of the nature of transitions, and I love the conceptual nature of your Thesis. Very much away from the text, letting the concept dominate and the text is evidence. That's fantastic.

What I'm looking for is for you to take that philosophy through your essay. Your analysis is quite text focused, and indeed, I knew it would be based on this phrase in your Thesis:

differences which shape key relationships and outcomes in the texts.

I read that and I say, "Uh oh, they are going to tell me what happens in the text and relate it to a concept."

You do that, and you do it really really well. Your conceptual basis is fantastic. I'm just looking for more focus on how the concept is conveyed to us, rather than just how it is evident in the events of the text. Techniques are great, but WHY are they used, what is the effect on us as a responder? I also think you could do a tiny bit more to accentuate the "social contexts" aspect of this Module as well. Both of those comments are summarised in this sentence from the syllabus:

Students explore the role of textual features in the shaping of meaning in specific contexts.

I am looking for:
- Techniques SHAPING MEANING for the responder. Step away from the text, don't tell me what Tom learns about transitions (etc etc), tell me what we learn about transitions and how the composer teaches us those things, through techniques. The composer uses TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE," which reveals ____________ to the audience. Those are the sorts of sentences I want to see.[/i]
- More contextual reference. Now, you use context within the texts themselves, but how do the texts relate to the context of the composer? What social issues is the composer responding to? Every text is composed for a purpose, and that purpose is almost always linked to the context of the composer. How is that context evident in the text?

This is a really cool essay with great conceptual ideas and an excellent structure. Don't let my comments fool you, it's definitely effective, but I think you could push it further great work!

[wasi123]

Hey Brendon, could i please get feedback on my module a essay on Distinctively Visual. I want to know if my arguments are clear enough and make it stronger.

Thankyou 
appreciated,
Wasi

Spoiler

Visions of war encapsulating bravery, suffering and endurance of the human spirit are evident throughout history and marked through commemoration. However the wartime experience of women, civilians and many migrants have never been acknowledged creating significant gaps and silences in our perception of the past. John Misto in his drama The Shoe-Horn Sonata pays tribute to women POWs through distinctively visual techniques that incorporate music, images and dialogue, compelling the audience to recognise the injustice of their plight and to continue the pursuit for reconciliation. Similarly Peter Skrzynecki in his poem Immigrants at Central Station presents images of displaced refugees who have also suffered atrocities of war, and yet, must continue to face marginalisation in post WWII Australia. Both composers utilise memory as a powerful mode for visualising and engaging with the past.

Misto presents the untold story of two women, Bridie and Sheila whom are brought together for a television interview fifty years after their release from a Japanese Prisoner of War Camp. The juxtaposition of their public experiences with their private relationship provides a powerful impetus for revelation and self-evaluation. Bridie’s initial reminiscence of war becomes a lived experience where projected images onto the stage of emaciated women coupled with sound effects foregrounds her demonstration of the kowtow. Dramatic gesture, animated dialogue and the Japanese words ‘Keirei’ and ‘Naore’ establish the vision of the harshness of camp life whilst reinforcing Bridie’s assertive personality. Her precision in recalling wartime detail is straightforward and factual, and framed by irony when she describes the British as ‘considerate’ for offering to shoot the nurses rather than allowing them to become POWs. The younger Sheila, more demure and formal in character is introduced in the Motel Room. Still carrying gloves, her costuming provides a glimpse into her British mannerisms further contrasting her refinement with Bridie’s larrikinism. Despite the underlying tension of their private relationship when Bridie accuses Sheila of ‘lying low in Perth’, they are clearly united through their common experience of war. Their utterance of the Japanese ‘Ya-ta’!! as they lift the suitcase onto the bed exemplifies the vision of unity in the face of adversity.

Similarly, the poem Immigrants at Central Station presents a public vision of Eastern European refugees alienated from the urban Australian landscape yet united through their common experience of war, exile and hardship. Like Bridie and Sheila they too are the forgotten victims of war, left to get on with life in their new country. The opening short sentences establish an atmosphere of sadness and apprehensions as the negative connotations of ‘dampness’, ‘crowded’ and ‘sank’ denote feelings of loss. As the ‘Immigrants’ wait in silence, the onomatopoeia of ‘the train’s whistle’ is a stark reminder of their transition into a new world and loss of the old. A melancholic tone is used to frame feelings of depression coupled with the pathetic fallacy of ‘crowded air’ and ‘dampness that slowly sank into our thoughts’ to capture vividly the common experiences of dislocation that is being felt. The alliterative use of ‘slowly sank’ highlights a loss of hope further denoting pessimism about an uncertain future in a country where indifference is experienced. Skrzynecki’s use of personification ‘time hemmed us in’ reflects the confinement of the immigrants as the extended metaphor of time is symbolic of stasis in their lives, moments of transience, but with little meaning. This loss of identity, both cultural and personal is further expressed through the figurative language where the powerful simile ‘like cattle bought for slaughter’ profoundly expresses their fear and pessimism through the distinctively visual allusion to the horror of Nazi war camps. Like Sheila’s description of the sea trip to Belalau ‘We went there by boat – by a cattle boat’, the onomatopoeic image of their ‘wobbly’ legs, caused by beri beri effectively depicts the loss of humanity and animal like state inherent in the word ‘cattle’. This psychological distress that remains embedded in memory allows the responder to empathise with both the endurance of the immigrants as well as the resilience of the women.

Reliving the experiences of war through memory and reminiscences can have a liberating effect on individuals and their subsequent relationships. Both Bridie and Sheila were exposed to war-time atrocities where indifference to their plight is reflected through the war-time Prime Minister Curtain’s anecdotal message to female POWs to just ‘keep smiling’, reinforced through the non-diagetic accompaniment of Judy Garland’s song ‘When You’re Smiling’. Bridie’s beating from Lipstick Larry is presented through a voice-over re-enactment in which a ‘savage yell…ugly thumps’ and Sheila’s exclamations ‘Bridie! Bridie!’ conveys the brutality, yet also the shared suffering that unites the women. It is ironic that Bridie describes this as ‘the best moment of the war’, worthy retribution for the pin sown into Lipstick Larry’s loincloth. Music and its ability to humanise becomes paramount to the women’s survival when the non-diagetic sounds of Christmas Carols foreground Bridie’s revelation of ‘deep male voices – not the shrieks of Japanese’, as a cathartic moment in her life. Visions of ‘hairy legs’, ‘skinny’, starving men in ‘slouch hats’ is analogous with the Aussie Digger providing an exhilarating and morale boosting moment for the women where Bridie later reveals she married the soldier who winked at her. The symbolic ‘piece of caramel’ that had been used so sparingly shared becomes an indulgence to mark this moment of sheer pleasure. The audience, like the women are momentarily freed from the horrors of camp life as we share this vision of joy. The symbolic shoe-horn becomes associated with music allowing the women to transcend physical and mental degradation through the formation of a choir. The repetition of ‘we forgot’ and ‘rose above’ conveys the spiritual sustenance that is contrasted against their emaciated physical states. Their final liberation from war becomes apparent in the studio when the symbolic dance of triumph and celebration becomes a visualisation of not only their survival but also friendship.

Furthermore the obedience and discipline of the immigrants in Skrzynecki’s poem becomes the representative of the effects and memories of war on individuals. Evident in their ‘packed cases/keeping children by their side’ is juxtaposed with incongruous imagery of ‘watching pigeons/watched them’ to highlight the peculiarity of not only the birds, but the immigrants themselves. Used as an allegory, the pigeons too are an introduced species, providing a powerful image of societal judgement upon those who are still reliving the trauma of war. It is ironic that ‘benevolence’ is only offered by the ‘empty streets’ where again the pathetic fallacy exemplifies the less than charitable nature of humankind who would only enhance the confusion and misery of the immigrants with their stares. The sudden arrival of the train through the repetition of ‘But it was sad to hear’, signifies a return to reality after the monotonous wait. The simile ‘like a word of command’ duplicates the militaristic submission of the immigrants past to the present, further highlighting their loss of autonomy and personal identity as psychological effect of war. This recognition of suffering from another time and place is further evoked in the vivid imagery ‘the signal at the platform’s edge/turned red and dropped’ with the symbolic use of ‘red’ connoting blood and barbarism as the horror of war will always be embedded in memory. Skrzynecki’s use of the powerful simile ‘dropped like a guillotine’ elicits a cathartic moment for the immigrants, as their past is effectively severed, representative of their cultural, social and historical bonds. Similar to the shining durability of the shoe-horn in Misto’s play, the final image offers hope through the verb ‘glistening’ used to describe the ‘tracks of steel’ that further suggests reconciliation can be achieved with acceptance from this new land.

Both texts visually embellish the experiences of war on those displaced individuals who were previously exempt from the grand narratives of history. Composer like Misto and Skrzynecki have elicited a powerful response through distinctively visual techniques culminating in recognition and acceptance for all victims of war. Through the elevation of the human spirit in literal, visual and musical form our perception of others and the world is greatly enhanced.

Moderator Edit: Added spoiler

[conic curve]

Hey Brendon, could i please get feedback on my module a essay on Distinctively Visual. I want to know if my arguments are clear enough and make it stronger.

Thankyou 
appreciated,
Wasi

You'll need 14 more posts in order to get your essay marked

For the time being, start a conversation in the discussion thread: Re: HSC Class of 2016 Discussion Thread 

Or come and help people in the Q and A thread 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey Brendon, could i please get feedback on my module a essay on Distinctively Visual. I want to know if my arguments are clear enough and make it stronger.

Thankyou 
appreciated,
Wasi

Spoiler

Visions of war encapsulating bravery, suffering and endurance of the human spirit are evident throughout history and marked through commemoration. However the wartime experience of women, civilians and many migrants have never been acknowledged creating significant gaps and silences in our perception of the past. John Misto in his drama The Shoe-Horn Sonata pays tribute to women POWs through distinctively visual techniques that incorporate music, images and dialogue, compelling the audience to recognise the injustice of their plight and to continue the pursuit for reconciliation. Similarly Peter Skrzynecki in his poem Immigrants at Central Station presents images of displaced refugees who have also suffered atrocities of war, and yet, must continue to face marginalisation in post WWII Australia. Both composers utilise memory as a powerful mode for visualising and engaging with the past.

Misto presents the untold story of two women, Bridie and Sheila whom are brought together for a television interview fifty years after their release from a Japanese Prisoner of War Camp. The juxtaposition of their public experiences with their private relationship provides a powerful impetus for revelation and self-evaluation. Bridie’s initial reminiscence of war becomes a lived experience where projected images onto the stage of emaciated women coupled with sound effects foregrounds her demonstration of the kowtow. Dramatic gesture, animated dialogue and the Japanese words ‘Keirei’ and ‘Naore’ establish the vision of the harshness of camp life whilst reinforcing Bridie’s assertive personality. Her precision in recalling wartime detail is straightforward and factual, and framed by irony when she describes the British as ‘considerate’ for offering to shoot the nurses rather than allowing them to become POWs. The younger Sheila, more demure and formal in character is introduced in the Motel Room. Still carrying gloves, her costuming provides a glimpse into her British mannerisms further contrasting her refinement with Bridie’s larrikinism. Despite the underlying tension of their private relationship when Bridie accuses Sheila of ‘lying low in Perth’, they are clearly united through their common experience of war. Their utterance of the Japanese ‘Ya-ta’!! as they lift the suitcase onto the bed exemplifies the vision of unity in the face of adversity.

Similarly, the poem Immigrants at Central Station presents a public vision of Eastern European refugees alienated from the urban Australian landscape yet united through their common experience of war, exile and hardship. Like Bridie and Sheila they too are the forgotten victims of war, left to get on with life in their new country. The opening short sentences establish an atmosphere of sadness and apprehensions as the negative connotations of ‘dampness’, ‘crowded’ and ‘sank’ denote feelings of loss. As the ‘Immigrants’ wait in silence, the onomatopoeia of ‘the train’s whistle’ is a stark reminder of their transition into a new world and loss of the old. A melancholic tone is used to frame feelings of depression coupled with the pathetic fallacy of ‘crowded air’ and ‘dampness that slowly sank into our thoughts’ to capture vividly the common experiences of dislocation that is being felt. The alliterative use of ‘slowly sank’ highlights a loss of hope further denoting pessimism about an uncertain future in a country where indifference is experienced. Skrzynecki’s use of personification ‘time hemmed us in’ reflects the confinement of the immigrants as the extended metaphor of time is symbolic of stasis in their lives, moments of transience, but with little meaning. This loss of identity, both cultural and personal is further expressed through the figurative language where the powerful simile ‘like cattle bought for slaughter’ profoundly expresses their fear and pessimism through the distinctively visual allusion to the horror of Nazi war camps. Like Sheila’s description of the sea trip to Belalau ‘We went there by boat – by a cattle boat’, the onomatopoeic image of their ‘wobbly’ legs, caused by beri beri effectively depicts the loss of humanity and animal like state inherent in the word ‘cattle’. This psychological distress that remains embedded in memory allows the responder to empathise with both the endurance of the immigrants as well as the resilience of the women.

Reliving the experiences of war through memory and reminiscences can have a liberating effect on individuals and their subsequent relationships. Both Bridie and Sheila were exposed to war-time atrocities where indifference to their plight is reflected through the war-time Prime Minister Curtain’s anecdotal message to female POWs to just ‘keep smiling’, reinforced through the non-diagetic accompaniment of Judy Garland’s song ‘When You’re Smiling’. Bridie’s beating from Lipstick Larry is presented through a voice-over re-enactment in which a ‘savage yell…ugly thumps’ and Sheila’s exclamations ‘Bridie! Bridie!’ conveys the brutality, yet also the shared suffering that unites the women. It is ironic that Bridie describes this as ‘the best moment of the war’, worthy retribution for the pin sown into Lipstick Larry’s loincloth. Music and its ability to humanise becomes paramount to the women’s survival when the non-diagetic sounds of Christmas Carols foreground Bridie’s revelation of ‘deep male voices – not the shrieks of Japanese’, as a cathartic moment in her life. Visions of ‘hairy legs’, ‘skinny’, starving men in ‘slouch hats’ is analogous with the Aussie Digger providing an exhilarating and morale boosting moment for the women where Bridie later reveals she married the soldier who winked at her. The symbolic ‘piece of caramel’ that had been used so sparingly shared becomes an indulgence to mark this moment of sheer pleasure. The audience, like the women are momentarily freed from the horrors of camp life as we share this vision of joy. The symbolic shoe-horn becomes associated with music allowing the women to transcend physical and mental degradation through the formation of a choir. The repetition of ‘we forgot’ and ‘rose above’ conveys the spiritual sustenance that is contrasted against their emaciated physical states. Their final liberation from war becomes apparent in the studio when the symbolic dance of triumph and celebration becomes a visualisation of not only their survival but also friendship.

Furthermore the obedience and discipline of the immigrants in Skrzynecki’s poem becomes the representative of the effects and memories of war on individuals. Evident in their ‘packed cases/keeping children by their side’ is juxtaposed with incongruous imagery of ‘watching pigeons/watched them’ to highlight the peculiarity of not only the birds, but the immigrants themselves. Used as an allegory, the pigeons too are an introduced species, providing a powerful image of societal judgement upon those who are still reliving the trauma of war. It is ironic that ‘benevolence’ is only offered by the ‘empty streets’ where again the pathetic fallacy exemplifies the less than charitable nature of humankind who would only enhance the confusion and misery of the immigrants with their stares. The sudden arrival of the train through the repetition of ‘But it was sad to hear’, signifies a return to reality after the monotonous wait. The simile ‘like a word of command’ duplicates the militaristic submission of the immigrants past to the present, further highlighting their loss of autonomy and personal identity as psychological effect of war. This recognition of suffering from another time and place is further evoked in the vivid imagery ‘the signal at the platform’s edge/turned red and dropped’ with the symbolic use of ‘red’ connoting blood and barbarism as the horror of war will always be embedded in memory. Skrzynecki’s use of the powerful simile ‘dropped like a guillotine’ elicits a cathartic moment for the immigrants, as their past is effectively severed, representative of their cultural, social and historical bonds. Similar to the shining durability of the shoe-horn in Misto’s play, the final image offers hope through the verb ‘glistening’ used to describe the ‘tracks of steel’ that further suggests reconciliation can be achieved with acceptance from this new land.

Both texts visually embellish the experiences of war on those displaced individuals who were previously exempt from the grand narratives of history. Composer like Misto and Skrzynecki have elicited a powerful response through distinctively visual techniques culminating in recognition and acceptance for all victims of war. Through the elevation of the human spirit in literal, visual and musical form our perception of others and the world is greatly enhanced.

Moderator Edit: Added spoiler

Hey Wasi! Welcome to the forums!

I'd definitely love to give you feedback on your essay, however we have a post exchange policy in place for marking, just to ensure the service remains viable for the markers You need 15 posts for every essay marked. So if you want 1 essay, you need 15 ATAR Notes posts, if you want 10 essays marked, you need 150, etc So hang around the forums and let us know when you've reach that 15 post mark  you can come and  Make Your First Post Here! ! 

[EmileeSmith]

Hi can you please mark my essay on transitions
Do I have even have enough detail
Am I using the correct structure?

Its really bad but I really need to pull up in English, its my worst subject because I failed the English trials


thankyou in advance!!

[elysepopplewell]

Hi can you please mark my essay on transitions
Do I have even have enough detail
Am I using the correct structure?

Its really bad but I really need to pull up in English, its my worst subject because I failed the English trials


thankyou in advance!!

Hey there! I haven't studied transitions myself, so my advice will be more specific to essay writing as opposed to dealing with the module. But it should still be helpful!

It's in the spoiler below.

Spoiler

Transitioning into new states of maturity can influence how an individual interacts with others. This process of gaining maturity and interacting with others is done by undertaking a journey which enables an individual to open up to new phases of life by being more acceptant. I enjoy this! These two sentences make a lot of sense This concept is effectively depicted in the 2005 novel The Story of Tom Brennan, written by J.C. Burke along as well as with the film Charlie St Cloud Put the date in brackets)2010, directed by Burr Steers. Both composers implement vital textual devices to explore various philosophies of skirmish and relationships with one another, allowing to the responder to challenge their beliefs and attitudes towards the human intricacies. This is portrayed Most evidently, this is observed through the protagonist’  difficulty in moving away from deaths of loved ones and engaging in human interactions in order to transit into new phases of life. This last sentence could drop off and appear later in a body paragraph. To me, it's just kind of sticking on the end. You won't lose marks for it, but consider how to use it as a way to gain marks. Can you add something on to the end there that brings it back to the concept you started with? Just try to make the introduction that little bit more "wholesome."
For one to transition through life at different phases, they must encounter difficult obstacles. This process of transition of of transitioning into maturity challenges one’s beliefs and attitudes. The novel, The Story of Tom Brennan, written by J.C Burk, No need to identify the author next to the text name again, it's already in the introduction is a bildungsroman’s No need for an apostrophe here text which demonstrates growth as change is inevitable, . (full stop)Burk narrates the journey of the teenage protagonist Tom, who faces major changes in his life after his brother’s car accident which killed two close friends and paralysed a cousin named Fin. I'd be trying to use this last sentence as an opportunity for analysis. You've identified the narrator, now try to expand on that. What is the significance of Burke as a narrator? Does he provide valuable insight? Does he use the first person narration? What does that first person narration do? Burke implements teenage vernacular and colloquial language to effectively communicate to the audience the consequences of drink driving Who is the predicted audience? You've made a great point about the language, but the audience that it is aimed for isn't necessarily identified, and in this situation it would be beneficial. Because, colloquial language wouldn't relate to my dad as much as it does me. Tom creates suspense in the beginning, “My name is Tom Brennan, and this is my story”, to showcase how drink driving affects one’s transition to maturity Try to identify exactly how suspense is built in the beginning there. I can see that suspense is built, but how? Perhaps the formal introduction provided by the first person narration engages the reader. I'd take that route. .  Burke also uses first person to give the audience access to Tom’s private thoughts following the accident and to showcase Tom’s transition from an optimistic to a depressed character. This is demonstrated by the symbolic motion of the Brennan family, “closing the front of the door for the last time” to their Mumbili home and starting a new life in Coghill. I like this! In the prologue, Burke uses the specific time of “January 23 4:30am”  followed by a metaphor of “near dawn” to demonstrate  the concept of ransom of the status quo and to give the audience a sense of a melancholy attitude thus displaying Tom’s negative past. This is followed by the repetition of the word “step” in “step by step to the car” symbolising the decline of the Brennan family in Mumbili.  Challenging phases of life enable individual new insights of the world. The ending to this paragraph is really good. You've got a few consecutive sentences at the end that are bam bam bam, really punchy. But then if we drag back to the beginning of the paragraph, there's a lot of discussion about the voice/narration and not a lot of linking between how the author does it, why they do it, and then linking to the purpose. With each technique needs to be an explanation of its significance. With each observation about the text, needs to be evidence and a link. The ending is really good because it analyses more than the voice. So I suggest making the voice analysis more punchy, or by combining a few of those sentences together for a really strong statement.

Transitions are inevitable over time, often leading one into an uncharted world which challenges one’s beliefs and attitudes. In The Story of Tom Brennan, Burke constantly uses flashbacks which to give the audience a hint of the past events that Tom has encountered, as well as his dramatic change in emotions. Tom’s transition away from the past and into the future is noticed when the Brennan’s have to transition into a new life in Coghill since they are ‘no longer wanted’ due to Daniel’s actions by the disgraced Mumbilli community which signifies Tom’s constant use of the motif of “running” throughout the novel,  symbolising Tom’s evolutionary transformation, as seen where his uncle Brendan, is a catalyst for change as he trains with Tom as they climb the  symbolic hill representing tom’s transition into new phases of life. Long sentence! If you cut it in half with a full stop everything will read more punchy. The metaphor of ‘mountains’ highlights a noticeable nature of transformation to confront experience that may be challenging After reading twice, I see what you're saying. I think you should rephrase the analysis part of this just so that it becomes more clear that the mountains are symbolic of hurdles in life.. However it contrasts with the Brennans family as they are “running” away from their problems which they have left behind in Mumbili. Moreover, the use of an idiom, “Daniel Brennan was an accident waiting to happen”, demonstrates that transitioning is a difficult process as it clashes with an individual’s attitudes and beliefs. Tom’s growth in maturity and acceptance symbolises the change in attitude that have has been influenced by human interactions, which is a catalyst for change; which I'm inclined to start a new paragraph here! This can also be seen through the protagonist in the film ‘Charlie St Cloud’, directed by Burr Steers, revolves around a which details the life of a young adult, Charlie, who suffers from ghostly illusions of his younger brother Sam, and depression after his close brother passed away in a car crush. The initial use of high pitched non-diegetic sounds symbolises that the protagonist, Charlie, is still grieving from the death of his little brother. The camera shot What kind of shot? A close up? Take the analysis to the next level by identifying the type of shot! of Charlies face, approaches him emotionally as he had never lost a loved one, creates suspense by the use of eye level on Charlie’s face allowing the audience to depict that Charlie is still grieving from the loss of his brother. This is also depicted when Charlie is talking with his father in a close-up angle shot within a dark boarder symbolising Charlie’s challenging transition into the future juxtaposed with fear.  The constant use of flashback throughout the film proves to the audience proves to the audience that loss of a loved one can negatively impact one’s life. Negative influences on one’s life may lead to new insights of the world.

Human relationships can be a crucial catalyst in encouraging changes an individual’s process of gaining maturity. I really love your thesis statements! This is depicted in The Story of Tom Brennan, as Tom’s catalyst for change was his sexual relationship with his new girlfriend Chrissie, who helps him to forget the past and move on. This is noticed in the last page when Tom was swimming in the river with Chrissie and says, “That was the day Tom Brennan came back forever”, I'd be commenting on the past tense here and how that works to signify a time past. symbolising Tom’s transition from his troubled past to a brighter future that is similar to Tom’s life before the accident. Throughout the novel, there is constant use of the motif of water symbolising Tom’s transition. This is depicted in the scene where Chrissie catches Tom in the shower after he realises that he is sexually interested in her, and when Tom jumps in the pool with his new friends after transitioning into Coghill and when Tom was swimming gin the waterhole with her and says, “This is the day Tom Brennan came back forever”.  I'm not making the connection between the likeness. Either start the sentence with a different connector, or identify the likeness early on in the proceeding sentence just to make the link really clear, and consequently impressing the marker.Likewise, in Charlie St Cloud, Steer implements a high-angle shot of Charlie in the scene where he is talking to the paramedic and says, “That’s death and life you see. Notice all the little things because someone is reaching out to you”. The use of the high-angle shot symbolises that Charlie has learnt to leave his brother, after realising that no matter what he does, he won’t return, and must continue on with his life How does the high angle shot symbolise that? Is it because it shows a force at work higher than Charlie? Or is it because it shows that from a birds eye view, this is just one little aspect of life?. At the end of the film, Steers uses a full-body shot of Charlie and his friends symbolising the effectiveness of being able to develop deeper insights of themselves and others. Human interactions with others allow an individual to transition into new phases of life.
The ability to move on can be difficult for an individual, particularly when one’s beliefs and attitudes are challenged. However, overcoming adversities and reforming personal attitudes creates strengths for individuals. Steers effectively depicts the protagonist, Charlie, to have the encouragement to move on from the loss of his beloved brother as he uses mid-shot of Charlie and his brother sitting under the trees, Charlie says, “We’ll always be brothers”, Charlie replies, “Promise, through rain or shine”. This symbolises the strong relationship the brothers had and the effect of Sam’s death. Steers uses a close-up shot of Charlie’s girlfriend and she says, “Charlie, you didn’t die in that car crush”. Steers uses a low-angle shot of Charlie as he says, “Actually I did”. This symbolises Charlie’s allusion of death and after accident as he wishes he passed away instead of his brother, thus clashing with his attitude and beliefs.
In both, TSTB by J.C. Burke and the Film CSC by Burr Steers, the process of transition challenges attitudes and beliefs and as such enables characters to successfully transition from the past to the present and on into the future. If you haven't used acronyms for the titles throughout, don't use them in the conclusion. Typically a conclusion should be about 3 sentences or so. I'd break up the sentence you have now. You've done amaaaaazing work with your concept statements, so reiterating them down here at the conclusion could be very powerful.

End Notes:
So, like I said, I don't know this module really well but I definitely wouldn't fail you for this essay! Each and every one of your concept statements are so original, articulately expressed and overall, very clear and relevant. You should be really proud of them. For this reason, I think they should feature more. So I'd be inclined to give them some more space in your introduction, definitely give them some more room in your conclusion, but also link consistently throughout your body paragraphs to the relevant statement. The best approach might be to round off each paragraph in a really strong way, and then you can colour in the body paragraphs from there on in.

Aside from the first body paragraph which had a heavy focus on voice, all of this is very impressive in terms of sourcing different techniques each time. The way to enhance your analysis is to focus on a structure which identifies the quote, the technique, the impact on the plot as well as the intention of the composer in doing it (aka: the relation to transitions). So there are times where you do this flawlessly, and other times where the stretch between technique and outcome are a bit far. Sometimes it is a matter of spelling it out in super simple terms, and then coming back to it. My example of this is seen in the last part where you talked about the high angle shot in Charlie's text. The link between the angle shot and Charlie moving on isn't really clear - you have to spell these things out just a little bit more.

There are a few times where grammatically things just interrupted the flow, usually just a few words missing here or there. Before going into the HSC, take this essay and read it out loud very slowly in front of a mirror and you should realise the little mistakes here and there. By fixing them up, you ultimately add to the overall sophistication of the essay.

So to summarise: Give greater prevalence to your outstanding concept ideas, link technique and effect more closely, and just groom the essay a little bit so that it flows perfectly.

You should be proud of this, you've got the foundations of a really outstanding essay. It's now just about tidying things up a bit!

Let me know if you have any other questions!

[EmileeSmith]

Can you mark my distinctively visual essay
constructive criticism will be really helpful

thank you 

[jamonwindeyer]

Can you mark my distinctively visual essay
constructive criticism will be really helpful

thank you

Hey Emilee! Like I said in the AoS thread, you'll need 45 posts if you want this essay and your other one marked! If you want this essay marked first (before your AoS essay), let me know and I'll be sure to do this one first instead

[EmileeSmith]

will you be able to mark my essays please 

[conic curve]

will you be able to mark my essays please 

You haven't attached any

I could try