Hello, strawberries.
It really seems like you're going through a tough period in your life right now. I'd like to thank you for sharing your (very personal) experiences with us. I would also like to say that if this keeps bogging you down, there are many places you can turn to for help, including some professional counselling/mental health/welfare services. Speaking up is often the hardest step, so well done on doing that.
And you know what sucks? I knew that 3-4 months into the school year last year that I wasn't going to do well due to not-so-great SAC marks (yes, SACs do matter) and even before the year started I knew I would fail, despite wanting/aiming for a 'high' ATAR.
Now I wonder why I even bothered trying in the latter half of the year, if I already knew I wasn't going to do well. There's a saying which goes 'if you're not gonna do it properly, don't do it at all'. It wouldn't make a difference anyway as I knew I wouldn't get a 'super high' ATAR anyway.
Yes, I did get into my desired course, but obviously far from a scholarship (I know you can get scholarships later in uni but you have to like work hard for one year = 1 year of fees gone). I know ATAR doesn't matter if you get in to what you want to do, I know, and I know it's not a bragging right (I'm not the type of person to brag about my accomplishments either). However, in this part, I still feel like I failed. How can I even 'succeed' or do well in university if I couldn't even pass basic high school concepts? I know there are people who don't do well in high school but succeed in uni, but that depends on what you're doing. Considering VCE and university are both largely academic too.
I understand where you're coming from. I have also asked myself "How can I even 'succeed or do well in university if I couldn't even pass basic high school concepts?". In fact, I asked myself this twice during Year 11 - once after a Maths Methods SAC, and once after an exam. In both cases, I went home and cried, and said to myself, "Maybe I should just become a janitor".
But I would like to offer a different perspective on what you're saying. In your own account, you mention that
you kept trying, even when it seemed like you weren't going to succeed. And I think that you kept trying, because deep down, you knew that you still had a chance to influence your future. And you know what? You did! A while ago, I started seeing a counsellor. I had a tendency to beat myself up whenever I thought I was weak, or a failure. One of the things he said that has stayed with me since was the following: "
It's OK to have negative thoughts sometimes. The main thing is to recognise that those thoughts *are* negative. And always remember to look on the other side of the coin. So, what's the other side of the coin here? Well, let's think about it this way. You got into your desired course! Had you stopped trying halfway throughout the year, that might not have happened! Yes, you did not get a scholarship - but you still get to study something you currently enjoy at university! That's better than not having the opportunity at all, right?
You mentioned the saying, "If you're not going to do it properly, don't do it at all". And you know, that shows that you take pride in what you do, and that you want to do it well. But here's the thing -
doing VCE properly does not mean getting 50s in everything, or getting a 99+ ATAR, or getting to be the dux of your school. Doing VCE properly means picking yourself up after your setbacks. It means putting in the effort even if you can't really see what your life will be like 1, 5, or 10 years after. Isn't that really what life is about? I genuinely believe that by
persevering, you have already set up one of the cornerstones of success in life, no matter what it is that happens in your future.
I know it's repeated to the point of being almost annoying, but it's true.
University is different. I understand you're worried about your ability to cope with the academic demands of university. I'm not taking the same course as you (I think), but what I will say is that in my experience, listening to a university lecturer explain a topic is different (in a good way usually!) to listening to a high school teacher explain it. Sometimes, I questioned why I found a topic difficult in high school, when listening to a uni lecturer made it seem so simple! Another thing is, it's very rare that a uni lecturer will not answer your question 'because it's not in the course outline/study design'. One thing I have found about uni, is although people often say there's no handholding,
there is support available, if you are willing to look, and especially if you are willing to learn. I'm sure all of us who have been at uni (even for just a year or a semester) will tell you that simply putting in a decent effort already puts you ahead of a fair number of people in your cohort/class/course.
I've heard stories of people who've bounced back from low ATARs, but I'm not one of those 'successful' people. I know employers don't care about ATARs either. I know that.
I haven't even told anyone about my ATAR (only my parents and a couple of people on here know), and even if I did do well and wouldn't tell anyone either. But I can so imagine if I ever have kids and they will ask about how I did in high school and blame me for all their issues etc
Why do you say you aren't one of those 'successful' people? How can anyone judge the ultimate success of a person before they're even 20? I know it's not easy to see or think in this way at the moment, but I honestly feel that you're depriving yourself of an opportunity to *become* one of those successful people, by already thinking that you aren't one. There is so much of your life left to live, before you can say whether you are ultimately successful or not. Yes, you may feel like you aren't successful at this point. And that's definitely a legitimate way to feel.
But you will get more opportunities to prove yourself. Take a look at the 'fairytale' story of this year's Australian Open, for example. Zhang Shuai lost in the 1st round of her past 14 Grand Slam tournaments. On this 15th attempt, she had to play qualifying matches just to get into the main draw. She went on to knock out the World #2, and made it into the quarterfinal.
I'm sure that you, me, and everyone out there has thought about what their life would look like once they were 'successful'. And while there are as many different mental pictures as there are people, there is one trend that I think helps to make my point here:
in the mental image of themselves being 'successful', most people see themselves being much older than you are now. That's because (whether consciously or subconsciously) they think that it's too early to decide before then. So please don't discount yourself now. As hard as it is to believe, there is still a lot of life left for you to live.
I'd like to share a quote with you that my father once told me:"
Success isn't final, and failure isn't fatal". That pretty much sums up how I think life as a young adult is like.
Regarding how your future children will see you,
again, let's look at the other side of the coin. Your kids may see you as a great parent, who brought them up well, supported them, guided them, and loved them. That's really no less possible than them seeing you as a bad parent and the cause of all their troubles. To me, trying to work out if your children will think you're a good parent based on your high school results, is like trying to work out what the weather forecast will be on your 40th birthday, based on what it was today. Neither of my parents finished Year 12. They didn't make what most people would consider a lot of money. I'm honestly still worried about their financial position now. Sometimes, they argue and shout at each other, over a variety of matters and because they're different people with different approaches.
But I still love them very much for all they have done for me. Their lives have been filled with both positive and negative experiences, but they still found the time, commitment, and love to raise a child. And I'm sure that if you put in time, commitment and love, your children will love you too, no matter how you did in Year 12.