Hey HPL! Elyse may want to add to this, but here is some feedback from me:
Holistically, your response isn't bad at all. However, it isn't (at least in my opinion) effectively addressing the question at hand. This section:
The increasingly secular society is because for some Australians, God seems to be no longer important and religion has lost its force of attraction due to .... increase in secularism in the contemporary Australian society. Or about 25% of your response was actually talking about secularism, the focus of the question. The rest was discussing (quite effectively, I might add) religious diversity, which is a separate point of discussion. You also didn't reference the statement, which was specifically requested in the question. I've annotated your response below.
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Australia is a multi-faith society that consists majorly of Christian followers (61.7%), with majority of these believers being Anglican (17.1%) or Catholic (25.3%), as recorded in the 2011 Census data.
Absolutely excellent use of data, though a little off topic. Try and start your response with a topic/lead in sentence, however simple. Such a large proportion of Christian followers is
an outcome a result of the post-WWII migration from southern European countries such as Italy which is dominated by Catholicism and Britain which majorly consists of Anglican believers.
Awesome statement, super effective explanation, but off topic. Watch your sentence structure also, make it easy for the marker to understand. Another reason is the conflict in Middle East which would have resulted in the increase in the amount of Lebanese Catholic migrants.
Another awesome inclusion, I wish this were a religious diversity question! This statistic in 2011 however, has decreased by around 20% compared to 87% in 1947. This is due to the dramatic increase in the number of atheists (no religion) from 0.3% in 1947 to 22.3% in 2011. The increasingly secular society is because for some Australians, God seems to be no longer important and religion has lost its force of attraction due to the rising popularity in the scientific belief of Big Bang Theory which has provided a more reliable explanation of the creation of universe.
I'm nitpicking, but watch wording here, Big Bang Theory is not a belief (definitely not in SOR terms anyway). However, the idea is spot on. Perhaps try: "lost its force of attraction due to an increasingly scientific view of the universe, popularised by new theories such as the Big Bang Theory." This consequently undermines God’s creation of the world as described in Genesis. In addition, the rising of New Age Religions such as astrology and fortune-telling have also contributed to the decline in Christian followers and increase in secularism in the contemporary Australian society.
VERY IMPORTANT: Maintain a distinction in your mind between New Age Religions and secularism: New Age Religion is still religion. However, you can absolutely discuss that these new age religions do not impact on the lives of their adherents. to the extent that traditional religions do. Other religions, such as Buddhism, has become the second largest religion in Australia (2.5%) whilst Hinduism has become the fastest growing religion. This is a direct consequence of mass Asian migration over the recent years to seek for more advanced education and job opportunities. Because Asia is dominated by the religions of Hinduism and Buddhism, the increasing number of asian migrants has inevitably led to the prospering of these foreign religions.
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Let me be clear that you clearly know your stuff, I just don't think you are engaging with the question as effectively as you could be. I would personally give this 3/5, you had some good stuff in there, but the fact that it wasn't the focus of your response detracts from the quality.
To improve:
- Work on engaging with the question. If it wants a reference to a quote, reference it, be very direct.
- Work on concise, direct responses. 274 words is a little too high for a 5 mark SOR response, you should be more in the range of 150 (or whatever one very solid paragraph is). This will keep you focused and eliminate irrelevant fluff.
- Be careful with sentence structure and word choice, make your information easy for a marker to interpret.
Cheers for sharing HPL!! Elyse and I would love to give more feedback, to you or anyone who would like a helping hand.
If you want detailed feedback on your SOR 5 marker (they are the easiest way to lose marks in the SOR paper), simply make an ATAR Notes account here.
Once you've done that, post away to get some top quality feedback!