Hey Elyse, Jawline boy here 
I received my creative writing back, which was from last term. The assessment was 40mins Comprehension (4/15 ), 40mins Essay (9/15), and 40mins Creative Writing (9/15). We could bring a sheet of handwritten notes. For the creative piece, we had to "Compose an original narrative that explores the creative and emotional impacts of discovery." Also, we had to choose a "starter", and I chose "The bridge appeared to step out into the clouds." However, on the day an unseen visual stimulus was given, and was a picture taken from a New-York High-Rise, looking down at Central Park in the Autumn (red leaves...) I thought the unseen stimulus worked perfectly with my text already.
My results were given, and included the teachers side notes of my 'cliches'. If you do pick up on any bad 'cliches', please let me know. She had also circled words, in which she didn't understand, however they were simply onomatopoeia. I am bad with my tenses, and it was a major flaw in my piece. I'm going to ask for it to be remarked, because the "English Studies" teachers marked it, and numerous people (including advanced) are asking it to be remarked.
Thank you so much, and please contact me if you're unsure of anything.
Hey! Awesome work getting your post count up, excited to give you some detailed feedback
Your Creative is attached in the spoiler below, my comments are in
bold, but I've told myself to ignore any tense issues because you've picked up on that already
Creative
Compose an original narrative that explores the creative and emotional impacts of discovery.
Ivan Duric watched the Brooklyn Bridge step out into the clouds from his office chair, ignoring the papers that were due two weeks ago. I like the use of starter - Sets the New York office scene quickly and establishes the fact that the character is behind (=stressed) immediately. Subtle but nice! He shifted his focus onto a dark spot on the glass pane, when he overheard a conversation between his co-workers. “I’ve bought my dad a Rolex for Fathers Day. What about you?” the female executive member boasted out aloud. A few things to be careful of with dialogue - It needs to start on a new line, as a mechanical thing. More importantly, it needs to feel natural. This does a decent job, but it does feel just a little manufactured. The start of the conversation feels weird - It would almost seem a little more natural to jump in mid conversation - "...a Rolex, cost me a bloody fortune but that's what you do I suppose. How bout you?“ - Just an example. Nothing unfortunately, my father passed away last year.” the intern replied. Ivan heard the conversation from his cubicle, which triggered his reoccurring flashback. Conversation line triggering a flashback = Cliche. I wouldn't say a super bad one but a cliche nonetheless.
I’m standing on the bus crammed like tuna in a can. This simile feels a little forced - It has an almost comedic effect because it's like, "Why is this guy being compared to tuna in a can?" There is actually a technique name for that, but it doesn't quite feel right here. I’m running away from my father - Jeuz, he ruined my life after years of abuse. I mentioned it before - SHOW me this, don't tell it. Potential for a really powerful scene there instead of a passing mention. The bus abruptly comes to a halt. I try to grasp the handles, but the cheap-cloth ripped as I applied the weight on my shoulders. The passengers flinch at the thud of the police baton against the window, “Get out now!” the soldier orders. A wave of chills run down my spine, I try to squeeze and peer through the reaching arms of others, to find the familiar voice, but to my surprise its my father. A little awkward word choice there - It's a familiar voice, but there is still surprise that its the father. Just a little inconsistency. I leap out of the bus and run towards the dense forest, I look behind as I run, to see my father chasing after me. I lose sight of him, for now. Just a note on the transition from third person to first person in that flashback - Is it purposeful? If it is, I sort of see what you are going for, but it doesn't (to me) serve a great purpose and sticks out a little bit as an error. I'd avoid it and stick to either first or third person, as you choose.
Ivan sprung up from his chair, as his boss shouted “Ivan!”, he scrambled amongst his messy desk to find the papers that were due two weeks ago. I reckon it would be cool to have just one line, "Ivan!", as a way to break up that flashback. That would also let you stop after"chasing after me." and remove that last sentence, which I know is foreshadowing, but again feels a little forced. The boss questioned him, ”Are you sleeping on my shift? I’ve told you these papers needed to be completed!” Again watch unnatural dialogue, would someone actually say "needed to be completed" if they were really mad? No, they'd say "You know I need this done!" Using lots of dialogue is tough. Try and keep it to short, one phrase exchanges to minimise the chance of it coming off as unnatural. Writing realistic dialogue is something I have a lot of trouble with to this day - It's REALLY hard to get right. Ivan anxiously replied “I’m sorry boss, I’ll have it emailed to you by tomorrow.” His boss now satisfied, he concluded “Call me Jove.” and walked away. A really quick fizzle out there, I'd have the boss be a bit angrier for a bit longer. Ivan then reached into his draw to pull out an orange prescription canister with a skull printed on the label. The 'skull on the label' mark is a little bit misleading - On first read it sounds like they are suicide pills, which sort of comes from nowhere. That's not the case, but I think you should be a little more explanatory here. Twisting the cap with hesitation, tapping a tablet out, and then a couple more. The tablets remained in his hand, as he looked out the window of the office. Ivan contemplates taking the tablets, as he gazed upon the orange and red hues of the swaying trees, but is then reminded about a memory of his childhood. What memory? He dismissed the notion, he swallowed the semi-dissolved tablets, but the guilt blocked his airways, feeling like a bowling ball blocking the passage of air. Again, a little forced simile there. Try not to use techniques just because you need to - It seems like you might be chucking in a simile here or there for effect, purposefully. I appreciate that, but it doesn't quite come across as effectively as it could.
The medication was at full-effect, and Ivan finished the papers at midnight, he looked around to find he was alone. Suddenly, the fluorescent office lights turned off section-by-section, the clap crept closer. He threw the papers on his desk into a side bag, then aiming towards the exit. The weep of his father echoed, the sound traveled closer and closer. He dove inside the elevator, relieved as the doors clang close. The horror begun as the elevator came to a halt. He tried to signal help by pressing the emergency button, but only the alarm silenced. I'm a little confused as to what is happening here; I get that the lights are turning off and he needs to leave, but the urgency feels unfounded. Further, the elevator stops without a real reason (this feels cliche, because its like, why is this happening now).
Ivan stared aimlessly at his side bag, when he focused on a letter. He inspected the front of the weathered envelope, and found the post stamp was from Serbia. This feels a little out of nowhere too - How did this letter get there and why did we need to have the elevator jam for this realisation to occur? Be careful not to introduce empty plot elements - Nothing amounts of that elevator jamming, so your job as the writer is to consider, "Well why did I have the elevator jam then?" He slid his fingers in-between the opening, and pulled out a messy handwritten letter. Letter from loved one revealing a secret = Cliche; but again, not a really bad one in my eyes.
Dear Ivan
I write this letter to you after you ran away from me in Serbia. You’re a quick runner, you must have taken after me. You might not know yet, but I asked my brother Jove to take care of you in New York. I hope he’s taking care of you, and you’re enjoying the office life. Now back to the reason of the letter, (Would someone write that in a letter? Always try and adapt your style to the situation) I want to tell you that i’m sorry, and i’m not angry at you. I understand that I caused you pain and suffering, but i’ve changed. After undergoing several treatments of electroconvulsive therapy, I don't have the angry thoughts anymore, the doctors said I'm ‘cured’. Sudden cure with shock therapy - This is the first 'bad' cliche, and it feels bad because again it seems unfounded. Kind of like, "Oh, okay, well that came out of nowhere." Once they released me out of jail, I signed up for the army. Two more cliches. I just want to thank you for allowing me to be cured, because if it wasn't for you, I would have been the same old angry person, that abused you.
I love you, and miss you
Jeuz Duric, your loving father
The elevator begun working, taking Ivan down to the ground floor. He brushed himself off, and walked towards the main exit of the building, stopping besides a bin. He reached into his side bag, pulling the orange prescription canister out, and the letter, he then threw it into the bin without hesitation. The weight lifted off his shoulders, and he walked freely outside. He stood smiling in the middle of the foot path, amongst the rushing business men.
Alrighty, so I think I can basically summarise my thoughts on how you could improve this Creative in one phrase: Keep it simple.
There is a
lot going on in this Creative. For starters, a lot of plot elements. The basic plot is there - Abusive father, runaway child. But then there is the brother, the father goes to jail, the father is cured with electroconvulsive therapy, and then those pills come in too. The elevator jamming is another. All of this is going on and none of it is really explored in depth. It's just sort of thrown at you really quickly and then you move on - And thus, not much of it has significance. You don't explain/explore much properly because you've got so much going on!
A lot of these things are cliched as well, and the big one is probably the brother. The boss being the brother, the person watching over the child from afar, that's like a "Guardian Angel" cliche. But more than that, it's the fact that the brother doesn't really have significance. It would be more interesting if you, say, spent time building up a really negative and antagonistic relationship between the boss and the protagonist. Then to have it all immediately reversed by the letter. That would work! But as it is, it's like, "Oh yep, boss is angry because papers are late. Oh shit he's the brother, damn." Again, it
lacks significance, because you've not given me a reason to care about either character. Again, just comes back to trying to do too much at once
This extends to your language use too. A few forced similes (that's how they came across), a lot of "This happened, then this happened" to try and get through your complex story arc. I'm looking for description and powerful conceptual exploration - I'd have
loved you to describe an abusive scene from the childhood (carefully). That would give the character some much needed depth and allow us to develop some sympathy for them!
The final consequence of this complicated narrative is that the stimulus isn't quite reflected. I don't have the part of the question that calls for the stimulus, but it would likely ask for it to be a "key feature" or something similar. Having it as the backdrop out the window, without it playing any other sort of key role, isn't quite enough. You could relocate the story to the park and have everything occur on the bench while watching the leaves, maybe with the wind triggering a flashback or something. But it needs to be more significant than, 'this is what I see outside my window.'
Here's what I think you should do. You've got a really cool idea here - I like the conceptual potential. There's lots of little subtleties you can play with. I think you should strip the idea back to bare bones and try to have a rethink of how the story plays out. Consider a ditch of the elevator bit; it feels unneeded to me. Keep it simple!
Sitting in the office, trigger a flashback. Great, abusive past set. Confrontation with boss, then have some reflection of how much the protagonist hates the boss. Great, that's set. Then introduce the letter, flip the whole idea of the boss around and then have some reflection on that. Notice I'm substituting "things happening" for "thinking about things." The protagonist could technically never leave their desk. Of course you don't have the stimulus in that version, but the idea is that I think you'd benefit from less happening, but more reflection on those things!
I've gone to town a little bit on this Creative, I go overboard sometimes
I hope these comments are helpful; I know all the suggestions might make it seem like your narrative has nothing good going for it. Not the case! It has a great premise that is flexible to explore multiple aspects of Discovery, and that is 70% of the battle. The other 30% is execution, and that's what you need to work on from here
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Topic: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking! (Read 352433 times)