Personal discoveries can
(Rather than CAN, I would say, "has the ability" or "may" or "may have the capacity to" These read better in a conceptual/low modality way. change one’s perception of themselves,
No need for a comma here 
and their place in society.
(I'm assuming that in an exam situation, you would address the question here? Your original thesis works well with this structure)In The Awakening,
(I need to know who Edna is. The protagonist? "In The Awakening, the protagonist, Edna, makes a discovery of her autonomous...")Edna’s discovery of her autonomous existence brings with it the discovery that it is in fact, impossible.
(I think you might need to play with the syntax here. If the autonomous existence is impossible, how did she discover it? Is it an imagined discovery? A mental discovery? And then the discovery that it is impossible was physical?)The contextual society
(Contextual society doesn't really make sense. Perhaps, the context of the society?) will not allow her to be independent, rendering her initial emotional discovery useless and ultimately, destructive. Additionally, the film Persepolis (2007) directed by Vincent Paronnaud and Marjane Satrapi, follows a young girl, Marjane, growing up during the Islamic Revolution, as she discovers her identity and sense of self, before discovering that this identity does not conform to the social expectations of post-revolutionist Iran.
hat I've gained from this so far, is that the discoveries can be like double ended swords. They discover something they like, but then confront a new challenging discovery. This is a strong thesis in my eyes. I would probably mention this in a thesis kind of way at the beginning of the paragraph. As a picky rule of thumb, you should end the paragraphs in AOS completely removed from texts. This includes the introduction! The purpose of this is to make sure that you are tying everything into discovery and not the texts. However, in saying this, it is four thousand times more important to talk about discovery at the start of a paragraph than it is to talk about them at the end. So, if you find that bringing back discovery at the end of a paragraph doesn't suit you, that's fine! I mention it here because you just have one sentence that kind of hangs on the end introducing your new text. You want to integrate it, not hang it Discoveries can result in a change of perspective of one’s identity, and result in the realisation of a more independent, autonomous self.
(This thesis is AWESOME!)The title of the novel, The Awakening emphasises that Edna was blind, but is now fully awake, fully aware of herself and society.
To add a technique here: try connotations. The connotations of awakening suit this purpose). Although this discovery is only a change in opinion of herself, and therefore cannot be true nor false, the title reveals that it is correct. Similarly, the line “I wouldn’t give myself” symbolises the moment when she gains a sense of agency. She has newly
discovered an autonomous sense of self and she will not surrender it for any patriarchal demands. Likewise, towards the beginning of Edna’s
discovery, “a certain light was beginning to dawn dimly within her”. The subject of the sentence is the light, rather than Edna herself. The fact that the light is “within her” symbolises the internal, emotional nature of her discovery. Her
discovery is revealing her inner autonomous self, and changing her perception of her identity. Furthermore, the listing and gentle rhythm of adverbs and past participles in “idly, aimlessly, unthinking and unguided” emphasises that Edna is experiencing a vast freedom of choice, roaming through limitless possibilities. She has decided to be autonomous and reject social conventions.
You've mentioned discovery consistently - great job! The next step would be tying it back to the essay question (which you obviously don't have yet) at the end of the paragraph. Whilst it is possible to discover a previously hidden identity, that identity may not always be synonymous with the social ideas of the context.
(I think we can improve the word choice here. I suggest this: "...that identity may not be harmonious with the context's social ideas.")The Awakening was written at the end of the 19th century, when women were expected to be submissive and maintain the role of the perfect domestic wife.
(You need to say that this was the case in which geographical location? Because although this may have been the case in one place, it was not the case in South Africa or China, to name two places. Also, this is three sentences in a row with no textual referencing. If you can cut out the less important parts of each and slice these together in a maximum of two sentences, your essay will be strengthened. This isn't a contextual essay, this is a conceptual essay. I'm super interested by what you have to say, but that's because I'm interested in women in literature. Your marker won't necessarily be. They are there to look at how you deal with discovery and the text to support that. Fin de sičcle literature presented women with more choices, prompting general re-evaluation of women's role in society. Edna’s ultimate discovery of the inevitability of her inability to achieve freedom due to societal constraints, brings about her death. The “caged bird” towards the beginning of the novel introduces the bird motif, and foreshadows the restrictions society will place on Edna’s freedom. She is liberated by her sexual, social and spiritual awakening, but also discovers the impossibility of achieving this awakened life. Likewise, the “language which nobody understood, unless it was the mockingbird” uses the motif of birds to continue to emphasise Edna’s cry for freedom. Edna becomes isolated because her way of thinking is not congruous with society’s. At the end of the novel, the line
(Avoid saying "the line" or "the quote") “she stood naked in the open air" before her suicide, displays an ironic duality, in that it exposes her, but gives her freedom. She was protected by society, but she saw the potential of liberation and was destroyed. This represents her recognition of the fact that her newly discovered identity cannot exist in this society.
You have very good vocabulary. It isn't too showy or too shy, it is very impressive! I think you need to work on quote, technique, explain, bring it back to your thesis. Sometimes you get stuck in retell a bit instead of showing the impressive facts that would elevate your work!The film Persepolis further enforces the idea that the discovery of one’s identity may not always be possible for those living in restrictive societies.
(This might read better: "The film Persepolis is also a testament to the notion that the discovery of one's identity may not be fostered in restrictive societies.)The film demonstrates the challenges faced in an attempt to discover an identity whilst having to conform with a tyrannical society. Towards the beginning of the film, Marjane is given a swan made of bread by her uncle, whom she greatly respects. The swan is a symbol for freedom, for her need to discover and express herself freely. The swan provides an insight into Marjiane’s main ideals, and gives her hope for freedom in the future. Similar to Edna, as Marjane begins to discover her identity, she experiences struggles and difficulties in fitting in with society, demonstrated through the motif of music. Marjane has to buy her tapes on the black market as they are forbidden in her society. The tapes symbolise the struggles involved in coming of age and discovering herself. Finally, Marjane begins to discover that her identity is not congruous with society’s idea of women. She wants “to be an educated, liberated woman. And if the pursuit of knowledge meant getting cancer, so be it”. This is a reference to Marie Curie, who died of radiation poisoning due to her research on radioactivity. Marjane is recognising that her newly discovered freedom comes at a price.
As Marjane discovers her role in society as a woman and as a person, she also discovers that how she sees herself is not synonymous
(Synonymous might not be the best word to use here. Harmonious works better) with society's perception of women. The recurring motif of the veil that Marjane has to wear in Iran is symbolic of society’s oppression of women, supported by the ironic statement taught in schools, that “the veil is synonymous with freedom”. This idea is further demonstrated by the colours of the movie. When Marjane is wearing the veil, the movie is in black and white, however, when she removes it, the film is in colour. For Marjane, the veil symbolises the idea that, due to being a woman, she is less than a person. Following this discovery, she is prescribed medication for depression. Much like in The Awakening, society believes that anything that challenges the social norms is an illness that must be cured.
(This is a good textual connection) Finally, the powerful conclusion to the film, where Marjane is asked where she is from, and she replies “Iran” demonstrates the final outcome of Marjane’s discovery. Whilst she is fully Iranian, and the country is inextricably linked to her newly discovered personality, she has also discovered and accepted that she cannot exist there. Both Edna and Marjane discover that their identities are not synonymous with society’s paradigms, but whilst this destroy Edna, Marjane survives and continues to discover her autonomous self, but in a different context.
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Topic: Free AOS essay Marking! (Read 192298 times)