Free AOS essay Marking!

[edmododragon]

Hey! Would be great if I could get some feedback and marking done for my discovery essay. I don't have anything specific that I need you to zoom into, but anything that would be helpful thanks Also don't really want to make it very much longer than this.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey Guys!,

Was wondering if we re upload our essays which have already been marked but we are just implementing comments which the mods have given us, does it still cost another 15 posts?

Yes it does! We will essentially treat it as another separate mark, just as much detail as before

[BPunjabi]

Yes it does! We will essentially treat it as another separate mark, just as much detail as before

Lol Ok gotta get some more posts up 

[jakesilove]

hi! can you please have a look at my Go back essay? Also, in my essay, i have discussed the discovery process of 5 characters, can you please tell me if it is fine or if i should change my essay around to just focus on 2 or 3.
Thank you!

Hey! Check out my comments

Original Essay

Spoiler

Discovery is a multifaceted process providing renewed insight for individuals and society. The dislocation of individuals to new worlds shapes the experiential processes of discovery, allowing for renewed perceptions of previously held beliefs. O’Mahoney’s Go Back To Where You Came From (Go Back), a 2011 TV documentary series, explores the transformative nature of physical experiences in providing insights into the human condition. Geoff Parr’s, 1985 The National Picture critiques the disjunctive relationship of colonisation in challenging individual beliefs.  The displacement of individuals becomes a catalyst to expose the underlying truth and implications of abrogating power. Through a developed understanding of the impacts of personal, physical and social discoveries, the audience is forced to question the contemporary societal assumptions and activism in understanding individual experience.

Through the first-hand experience of discovery, changes in perceptions and new understandings of the world emerge. The initial instability in the human condition restricted the individual connection with the plight of others in Go Back. The mis-en-scene of books juxtaposed with a close up camera shot of Darren, reflects his high intellect, signifying his military background that creates a sense of power over refugees. This lack of compassion contrasts with another participant, Glenny, who upholds humanitarian beliefs all along, reinforced by the eye-level camera angle to reveal equality through the veneration of asylums and refugees. By being forced to go through a physical process of revelation, they come out as transformed individuals with insightful understandings of the world. The forceful placement of individuals into foreign homes triggers an emotional response to empathise with “the other”. The centrality of Darren corresponding with bright lighting is symbolic to a positive change within the participant through the discovery. Similarly, the growth of Adam can also be seen through the documentary. Adam begins as a self-centred individual, claiming to not be in agreement with spending “millions of dollars on housing criminals.” This exposed through the close up camera shot emphasises on the weak human condition as it fails to accept people of lower socioeconomic status. However, the close up camera shot of Adam’s facial expressions  corresponding with chiaroscuro lighting assists in showing how new worlds can lead to the truth, challenging original values to allow for a retribution of societal constructs. The truth is challenged in the revelatory process becoming a trigger in accepting and appreciating differences of individuals and making it a platform for reconciliation.

Discovery of power and traditional perspectives leads to new understandings of the world. The National Picture evaluates the role of power in the formation of new and renewed perceptions. By using modern technologies to reconstruct Duterrau’s original painting, The Conciliation, the viewer becomes aware of the intertextuality and transformation of the “new” resonating with the “old”, causing reflections upon the changing values and attitudes of society. The appropriation of this picture uses satire and parody of the overlay of the Indigenous portrait to further represent meaning and illustrate the changes within society.  The Eurocentric values are encapsulated in the powerful foregrounding of the white coloniser in contrast with the timid and fragile indigenous people, revealing the impacts of physical discovery in diminishing the sense of identity. Through the use of chiaroscuro lighting in the timid representation of the indigenous, Parr reiterates the tenuous link to the sovereignty of their land and culture, symbolically depicting them as silent watchers without a voice. The appropriation of The Conciliation allows for viewers to comprehend how power can be influential to the process of discovery and the impacts of colonial inquest on individuals.

Displacement of individuals can make the process of discovery confronting and overwhelming. Go Back expresses the provocative and confrontational aspect of dislocation for characters, challenged by the process of discovery. The adversity of displacement is illustrated through medium camera shots of Raquel and Raye surrounded by Africans in the background. The voiceover by the narrator reveals how characters will travel to places of an alternate social construct. The feelings of distress associated with dislocation are furthered through the mid shot of character facial expressions and gestures, enhancing the ways in which physical dislocation can result in introspection. The foregrounding of Raquel juxtaposed with the loosely constructed background of the underprivileged location reiterates her discomfort, symbolising her lack of desire to leave the familiar which restricts them from empathising with people. Despite the challenges of discovery, it has the power to provoke reflections enabling an optimistic impact upon creating new values. The character of Raye is used as a vehicle to explore the transformative process, her empathetic acknowledgement of “African people” parallels the audiences questioning of contextual values. The juxtaposition of Raye’s vulnerability with slow, expressive music foreshadows her redemptive process. The lack of background imagery further enhances her realisation, adding emphasis to her acceptance of refugees.  The deconstruction of barriers between individuals proves that discovery can encourage reconciliation to renew perceptions of other cultures.

However, the physical dislocation of individuals to new worlds can impose negative consequences. Unlike O’Mahoney, Parr’s The National Picture forces the audience to question notions of colonisation and their impacts on Indigenous people. The displacement of the Indigenous due to European invasions is presented through the use of ghost figures in shades of grey connoting the ambiguity of their existence. The use of the corrugated iron fence is a metaphorical barrier between the modern group and original inhabitants of the land implying the disparaging nature of colonisation. Parr comments on the lack of individuality of the Indigenous through the foregrounding of racial reversal, displaying their attempt at survival by changing to accept white culture and values. Through the appropriation of Duterrau’s ‘The Conciliation’, it is clear that displacement of individuals can be confronting and provocative, further questioning contextual ideologies of the benefits of colonisation.

The impact of discoveries can be far-reaching and transformative for the individual and the broader society. The notion of superiority and power become a barrier in experiencing the ultimate truth, creating a need for displacement to evoke empathy. O’Mahoney explores the complexity of the human condition in appreciating those from different racial backgrounds, and in doing so, comments on the powerful impetus of discovery in renewing previously held beliefs to expose the truth. Parr’s ‘The National Picture’ similarly critiques the difficulties faced by individuals in understanding the reality of colonial inquests. Both composers use their craft to comment on the ramifications of discovery catalysed by their respective context.

Essay with Comments

Spoiler

Discovery is a multifaceted process providing renewed insight for individuals and society. The dislocation of individuals to new worlds shapes the experiential processes of discovery, allowing for renewed perceptions of previously held beliefs. O’Mahoney’s Go Back To Where You Came From (Go Back), a 2011 TV documentary series, explores the transformative nature of physical experiences in providing insights into the human condition. Geoff Parr’s, 1985 The National Picture critiques the disjunctive relationship of colonisation in challenging individual beliefs.  The displacement of individuals becomes a catalyst to expose the underlying truth and implications of abrogating power. Through a developed understanding of the impacts of personal, physical and social discoveries, the audience is forced to question the contemporary societal assumptions and activism in understanding individual experience.

Perfect

Through the first-hand experience of discovery, changes in perceptions and new understandings of the world emerge. The initial instability in the human condition restricted the individual connection with the plight of others in Go Back. The mis-en-scene of books juxtaposed with a close up camera shot of Darren, reflects his high intellect, signifying his military background that creates a sense of power over refugees. How does this lead to a sense of power? How does that lead to a lack of compassion? You've made a really quick link between ideas, and then don't explain why this is important to your thesis. What does it say, more broadly than just with that one character? This lack of compassion contrasts with another participant, Glenny, who upholds humanitarian beliefs all along, reinforced by the eye-level camera angle to reveal equality through the veneration of asylums and refugees. By being forced to go through a physical process of revelation, they come out as transformed individuals with insightful understandings of the world. What does all of this say? Why are you forming an argument using these points? The forceful placement of individuals into foreign homes triggers an emotional response to empathise with “the other”. The centrality of Darren corresponding with bright lighting is symbolic to a positive change within the participant through the discovery. Similarly, the growth of Adam can also be seen through the documentary. Adam begins as a self-centred individual, claiming to not be in agreement with spending “millions of dollars on housing criminals.” This exposed through the close up camera shot emphasises on the weak human condition as it fails to accept people of lower socioeconomic status. However, the close up camera shot of Adam’s facial expressions  corresponding with chiaroscuro lighting assists in showing how new worlds can lead to the truth, challenging original values to allow for a retribution of societal constructs. The truth is challenged in the revelatory process becoming a trigger in accepting and appreciating differences of individuals and making it a platform for reconciliation.

I think you focus on too many characters here. Try to zoom in on the journey of one or two, figure out what they discover, how their journey impacts them and, most importantly, WHAT THIS SAYS ABOUT THE HUMAN CONDITION

Discovery of power and traditional perspectives leads to new understandings of the world. The National Picture evaluates the role of power in the formation of new and renewed perceptions. By using modern technologies to reconstruct Duterrau’s original painting, The Conciliation, the viewer becomes aware of the intertextuality and transformation of the “new” resonating with the “old”, causing reflections upon the changing values and attitudes of society. The appropriation of this picture uses satire and parody of the overlay of the Indigenous portrait to further represent meaning and illustrate the changes within society.  The Eurocentric values are encapsulated in the powerful foregrounding of the white coloniser in contrast with the timid and fragile indigenous people, revealing the impacts of physical discovery in diminishing the sense of identity. Through the use of chiaroscuro lighting in the timid representation of the indigenous, Parr reiterates the tenuous link to the sovereignty of their land and culture, symbolically depicting them as silent watchers without a voice. The appropriation of The Conciliation allows for viewers to comprehend how power can be influential to the process of discovery and the impacts of colonial inquest on individuals.

You need to link this paragraph more solidly with the one before. It doesn't feel like you're building a thesis; it feels like you're just saying interesting things that come out of the text. Build a thesis, compare the texts, draw conclusions. That's the point of an essay! All this being said, it's obviously fantastic analysis, and you're language is extremely high quality.

Displacement of individuals can make the process of discovery confronting and overwhelming. Go Back expresses the provocative and confrontational aspect of dislocation for characters, challenged by the process of discovery. The adversity of displacement is illustrated through medium camera shots of Raquel and Raye surrounded by Africans in the background. The voiceover by the narrator reveals how characters will travel to places of an alternate social construct. The feelings of distress associated with dislocation are furthered through the mid shot of character facial expressions and gestures, enhancing the ways in which physical dislocation can result in introspection. The foregrounding of Raquel juxtaposed with the loosely constructed background of the underprivileged location reiterates her discomfort, symbolising her lack of desire to leave the familiar which restricts them from empathising with people. Despite the challenges of discovery, it has the power to provoke reflections enabling an optimistic impact upon creating new values. The character of Raye is used as a vehicle to explore the transformative process, her empathetic acknowledgement of “African people” parallels the audiences questioning of contextual values. The juxtaposition of Raye’s vulnerability with slow, expressive music foreshadows her redemptive process. The lack of background imagery further enhances her realisation, adding emphasis to her acceptance of refugees.  The deconstruction of barriers between individuals proves that discovery can encourage reconciliation to renew perceptions of other cultures.

Great analysis. I particularly like the combination of text types you've analysed: sounds, visuals, etc. etc.

However, the physical dislocation of individuals to new worlds can impose negative consequences. Unlike O’Mahoney, Parr’s The National Picture forces the audience to question notions of colonisation and their impacts on Indigenous people. The displacement of the Indigenous due to European invasions is presented through the use of ghost figures in shades of grey connoting the ambiguity of their existence. The use of the corrugated iron fence is a metaphorical barrier between the modern group and original inhabitants of the land implying the disparaging nature of colonisation. Parr comments on the lack of individuality of the Indigenous through the foregrounding of racial reversal, displaying their attempt at survival by changing to accept white culture and values. Through the appropriation of Duterrau’s ‘The Conciliation’, it is clear that displacement of individuals can be confronting and provocative, further questioning contextual ideologies of the benefits of colonisation.

Brilliant as always

The impact of discoveries can be far-reaching and transformative for the individual and the broader society. The notion of superiority and power become a barrier in experiencing the ultimate truth, creating a need for displacement to evoke empathy. O’Mahoney explores the complexity of the human condition in appreciating those from different racial backgrounds, and in doing so, comments on the powerful impetus of discovery in renewing previously held beliefs to expose the truth. Parr’s ‘The National Picture’ similarly critiques the difficulties faced by individuals in understanding the reality of colonial inquests. Both composers use their craft to comment on the ramifications of discovery catalysed by their respective context.

Your thesis, and voice, comes out really clearly in your conclusion. This is something you need to come back to more consistently throughout the essay itself. Rather than draw conclusions about discovery in your conclusion, you need to do this throughout the essay, and summarise them at the end. You've gone from quote/visual to analysis really well, you just haven't gone from analysis to IMPORTANCE with enough clarity. All this being said, obviously a great essay, so congratulations!

[jakesilove]

Hi, I'm new to this and I'm posting just half my essay and would mainly like to know if it makes sense and if there is a good amount of depth in my analysis. I would really appreciate it as I struggle with AOS the most
Thank you.

Hey Stefen! Sorry for the delay; check out my comments below!

Original Essay

Spoiler

A discovery allows the transformation of an individual’s perception of life through a renewal of their previous perception as they would have initially had limited knowledge and by gaining a better understanding of a certain concept. “The Tempest”, by William Shakespeare and “The Good Morrow”, by John Donne explore how a discovery transforms an individual when it comes to knowledge about others and the world.

Through the course of Prospero’s self discovery journey, he experiences events which heavily transform his perception of himself and of others. As Prospero reflects his past experiences to Miranda, he displays an absence of mind about the responsibilities of his dukedom; “From mine own library with volumes that I prize above my dukedom”. The comparison of his library to his dukedom displays Prospero’s lack of understanding as a leader as he praises his books above all else. Following the masque, he realises “We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep.” The metaphor compares the shortness of human life to waking and sleeping as he slowly realises that everyone will eventually die, including his magic as it is insubstantial. Prospero is realising, through this confronting discovery, his selfishness and absence of mind as he is slowly undergoing his transformation in search of his humanity. The magical servant Ariel, challenges Prospero’s humanity when describing Gonzalo’s suffering by saying, “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds…If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…”. The Simile describing Gonzalo’s tears shows that human emotions are real but also their compassionate power is able to move Prospero as Prospero says “And mine shall”, foreshadowing through a contemplative tone, his renewed perception of himself as he is challenged to consider the need for getting revenge. Prospero decides that he will not just be compassionate but get rid of his magic as he declares: “I’ll break my staff, bury it certain fathoms in the earth and deeper than did ever plummet sound I’ll drown my book.” The strong verbs convey his determination to get rid of his magic as he has realised that magic has prevented him from regaining his humanity. Thus, Prospero’s discovery of his true self has made him have a better understanding of himself and of others as he realises that magic has prevented him from being compassionate and a leader.

Similarly, in The Good Morrow, the persona’s understanding is transformed since they discover more about the concept of love as they too see a spiritual connection emerge between their souls. “My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears”, shows that the lovers feel a deep connection and that they show this emerging within each other’s eyes, foreshadowing the interweaving of the souls. The assonance of the ‘i’ sound also parallels this idea. The two lovers thus discover that they are about to experience a deeper connection, transforming their knowledge of the concept of love and the way they feel about each other. “And now good morrow to our waking souls…Let us possess one world, each hath one, and is one.”, personifies the souls as living beings, as the lovers have such a deep connection for one another that they become intertwined into one entity. “Waking” also has connotations to awakening to this new experience as this further emphasises the better understanding which has occurred between the couple as the lovers 'wake' up to a new way of experiencing love. The couple’s lives have thus been transformed as they discover that they can experience love spiritually through by joining their souls together.

Essay with Comments

Spoiler

A discovery allows the transformation of an individual’s perception of life through a renewal of their previous perception as they would have initially had limited knowledge and by gaining a better understanding of a certain concept. The first sentence in an essay needs to be really really strong. Read this first sentence out loud: does it make sense? Could it be 'cleaner'? Try writing a few variations of this sentence and choose the best one. “The Tempest”, by William Shakespeare and “The Good Morrow”, by John Donne explore how a discovery transforms an individual when it comes to knowledge about others and the world. I need more of an introduction here. Give me some context for each other the texts. What will you be talking about in the essay? How do the texts relate? What is your overarching thesis?

Through the course of Prospero’s self discovery journey, he experiences events which heavily transform his perception of himself and of others. As Prospero reflects his past experiences to Miranda, he displays an absence of mind about the responsibilities of his dukedom; “From mine own library with volumes that I prize above my dukedom”. The comparison of his library to his dukedom displays Prospero’s lack of understanding as a leader as he praises his books above all else. Good analysis, but I want GREAT analysis. Delve into this metaphor a little more. Following the masque, he realises “We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep.” The metaphor compares the shortness of human life to waking and sleeping as he slowly realises that everyone will eventually die, including his magic as it is insubstantial. So? What does this say about discovey? Is it a positive or negative element of a discovery? Prospero is realising, through this confronting discovery, his selfishness and absence of mind as he is slowly undergoing his transformation in search of his humanity. The magical servant Ariel, challenges Prospero’s humanity when describing Gonzalo’s suffering by saying, “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds…If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…”. This quote may be a bit long The Simile describing Gonzalo’s tears shows that human emotions are real but also their compassionate power is able to move Prospero as Prospero says “And mine shall”, foreshadowing through a contemplative tone, his renewed perception of himself as he is challenged to consider the need for getting revenge. Prospero decides that he will not just be compassionate but get rid of his magic as he declares: “I’ll break my staff, bury it certain fathoms in the earth and deeper than did ever plummet sound I’ll drown my book.” The strong verbs convey his determination to get rid of his magic as he has realised that magic has prevented him from regaining his humanity. Thus, Prospero’s discovery of his true self has made him have a better understanding of himself and of others as he realises that magic has prevented him from being compassionate and a leader.

Really good paragraph, with some really solid analysis. Be careful that you're not just recounting aspects of the plot. Additionally, you need to work all of this argument into a unifying thesis, which I don't think comes out very strongly here. Try writing out your thesis in one sentence. Include it in your introduction, and keep coming back to it throughout your response!

Similarly, in The Good Morrow, the persona’s understanding is transformed since they discover more about the concept of love as they too see a spiritual connection emerge between their souls. “My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears”, shows that the lovers feel a deep connection and that they show this emerging within each other’s eyes, foreshadowing the interweaving of the souls. The assonance of the ‘i’ sound also parallels this idea. The two lovers thus discover that they are about to experience a deeper connection, transforming their knowledge of the concept of love and the way they feel about each other. Take this more big picture; what does this say about discovery in general? Link it back to a thesis here! “And now good morrow to our waking souls…Let us possess one world, each hath one, and is one.”, personifies the souls as living beings, as the lovers have such a deep connection for one another that they become intertwined into one entity. “Waking” also has connotations to awakening to this new experience as this further emphasises the better understanding which has occurred between the couple as the lovers 'wake' up to a new way of experiencing love. The couple’s lives have thus been transformed as they discover that they can experience love spiritually through by joining their souls together.

Great analysis throughout! You need to be stronger with your thesis, and bring ALL analysis back to that thesis. Make sure to include a conclusion, which I'm sure you would in an exam situation. Finally, make sure to actually compare the two pieces as much as possible. When discussing the second text, use words like "contrary to Text A" or "similarly to Text A" etc. etc. Clearly, you have a really good understanding of the texts themselves; it's just about creating a strong thesis from here on in.

[jakesilove]

Hey guys

I would appreciate if you could mark my AOS essay please! Thanks in advance. (Hoping I have made the 15 posts as I don't know how to check)

Hey! Check out my comments below

Original Essay

Spoiler

Discoveries help to shape an individual’s identity and the way that they perceive the world around them
Individuals may experience change due to the reconciling of discoveries, which can affect their perception of the world they live in. Discovery is a new experience that can be lead forth by a change of one’s mind. Michael Gow conveys the ideas of hardship and acceptance through his play “Away”, as the characters journey on different holidays in order to become changed people; synchronising with Christopher Kezelos’ film “Zero” where hardship and acceptance plays a crucial role in initiating everyone’s personal discovery. These ideas are conveyed to help deepen an individual’s understanding of ways that discoveries shape a person’s identity and the way they perceive the world around them. Thus provokes an individual to reflect on their own life.
Gow recognises hardship by shaping a character in his play ‘Away’ through mental changes in the characters. Jim, Gwen’s husband, illustrates to his daughter Meg the hardship they had faced which was growing up in the depression “The world was full of people walking around the country side looking for something to eat, all thinking about the day they could stop walking. We all did it. Your mother did it.” Jim paints us a picture through imagery to emphasise to Meg that it is through the hardship Gwen challenged during the Great Depression during her past that has characterised her today. As a result, her actions imitate her controlling personality and engender her family to become isolated and flawed, especially towards Meg. It highlighted regularly throughout the play that Gwen thrives of conflict especially with her daughter Meg. This is highlighted when Gwen and Meg are packing the suitcase and “they struggle with the case until it is shut”. The tension that is existent between them is represented by this visual metaphor. By moving objects in the suitcase about, is also a metaphor for Gwen to change her attitude and try new ways to solve her problems.  Gow facilitates this through her dialogue when she stresses about her items during “wreak havoc with noise, light and frenzied activity”. The effect of action portrays how attached Gwen is to her materialistic items and how much she values them as she is upset about the goods being ruined by the “spectacular storm”. This storm impacts Gwen in the long run because everything she valued is now non-existent.  Gow powerfully strengthens our knowledge of how past hardships can impact the present and the unknown future.
Similarly in’ Zero’, Zero experiences hardship at the initiation of the film which is the core factor of why the change occurs later on. Kezelos accentuates this hardship through the use of imagery.  We are told “School was the only place where Zero received attention. It was forbidden for his denomination to multiply”.   Film techniques such as the first person perspective camera shot of Zero and flipping the camera upside down showing Zero being hung are utilised to deliver a strong depiction of Zero’s experiences as he receives these antisocial judgements. In the classroom, the other children lie to get Zero in trouble, displaying that they do not value zero like any other number. This emphasises just a small portion of the hardships Zero had to deal with. As showcased by Kezelos, hardships experienced by an individual may eventually lead into a fresh discovery.
 ‘Away’ continues to facilitate how hardship catalyses acceptance and creates a meaningful discovery.  At the start of the play, Gwen always had to rely on ‘Bex’ pills to resolve all her problems. She was being too dependent on an external remedy to cure her internal problems. As the play draws to the conclusion, the storm subsides and Gwen cries “I can’t take this powder. I can’t make it go in. I want to take it and it won’t go in. I’m going to be sick”. Gwen repeats “I” as it represents the unexpected confronting discovery she is making to mentally find herself. She realises she has to solve her problems by confronting them rather than relying on the materialistic 'Bex' to eliminate the mental pain she’s experiencing. After confronting them, she becomes a better person and is accepted by pupils as opposed to the person she was during the Great Depression. The storm allows her to rediscover herself as it brings her family closer together; thus allows her to break away the facade of negativity and accept a change in her life. Coral also becomes acceptant as she endorses the simile “like a ghost”.  The purpose of this simile emphasises how Coral has been absent since the death of her son and has been unable to cope in the real world. The self-discovery she experiences at the beach is a metaphor for her emotional journey to recovery of self and ability to ‘walk’ in the world of the living. As highlighted above, Gow continues to expand our knowledge of how accepting change brings new discoveries.
A reference of acceptance moulding the personality of Zero is his baby being born. The citizens express shock and disgust at Female Zero’s pregnancy. Nevertheless, as she gives birth, this disgust changes to awe of admiration when they notice the baby bearing an ‘infinity’ marking, “The highest known number…” Zero knew “that for a nothing, he had created something truly magnificent”. Symbolism is elucidated here as the pair had given the number zero a new perception. They had brought the largest number possible to life. Now that the baby is alive, every other number values the number zero and he is able to discover what he is truly worth. As highlighted above; Kezelos continues to expand our knowledge of how change brings new discoveries.
Throughout Gow’s ‘Away’ , Gwen and Coral experience meaningful discoveries through the physical adventure of a holiday as they return from their holiday as new people. Kezelos demonstrates in ‘Zero’ how significant something small like the birth of a single baby can change everyone’s lives in the way they vision reality. The ideas of hardship and acceptance support how much a single change can influence how an individual sees the world around them.



Back up paragraphs
Acceptance can affirm an individual’s beliefs as they emotionally discover the power of materialism and the hardships that people face. Gow facilitates this through Gwen’s dialogue as she cries “wreak havoc with noise, light and frenzied activity”. The effect of this stage direction portrays how attached Gwen is to her materialistic items and how much she values them as she is upset about the goods being ruined by the “spectacular storm”. This storm impacts Gwen in the long run because everything she valued is now non-existent. As highlighted above, Gow extensively widens our understanding of how discoveries are brought about change.
People experience physical and mental changes as a result of being acceptant of people and events. Acceptance is demonstrated through people being changed by the discovery of a new perception is when Zero is dumped in jail. This is a visual metaphor of Zero being excluded from society. The wide angle shot displays a symbolic illustration Zero is engraving into the wall of his cell after being imprisoned for forbidden love, showing the beauty of nature and the love he has for his companion which is his only hope of discovering a new life. This is ironic as society committed a crime by discriminating his ‘type’ (number). Mysterious non diegetic music also suggests his hope for positive future possibilities in a new reality, despite the physical and ideological limitations. Zero was forced on a pathway that was once controlled by the arms of society, thus as a result to only become enriched by freedom. Christopher Kezelos helps the audience widen our understanding of how discovery can be delivered by a new concept.

Essay with Comments

Spoiler

Discoveries help to shape an individual’s identity and the way that they perceive the world around them

Individuals may experience change due to the reconciling of discoveries, which can affect their perception of the world they live in. Great introductory sentence! Discovery is a new experience that can be lead forth by a change of one’s mind. Michael Gow conveys the ideas of hardship and acceptance through his play “Away”, as the characters journey on different holidays in order to become changed people Do they travel in order to become new people? Or do they become new people on their journey?; synchronising with Christopher Kezelos’ film “Zero” where hardship and acceptance plays a crucial role in initiating everyone’s personal discovery. These ideas are conveyed to help deepen an individual’s understanding of ways that discoveries shape a person’s identity and the way they perceive the world around them. Thus provokes an individual to reflect on their own life.

Great intro. If you felt like making it a bit clearer how the two texts interlink, you could, but honestly it's fine as it is.

Gow recognises hardship by shaping a character in his play ‘Away’ through mental changes in the characters. Jim, Gwen’s husband, illustrates to his daughter Meg the hardship they had faced which was growing up in the depression “The world was full of people walking around the country side looking for something to eat, all thinking about the day they could stop walking. We all did it. Your mother did it.” This sentence is a bit rambly, and the quote is a bit long. Read it out loud; if a sentence sounds off when you read it, you need to rephrase it somehow. Jim paints us the audience a picture through imagery to emphasise to Meg that it is through the hardship Gwen challenged faced during the Great Depression during her past that has characterised her today. Be more specific about the imagery here. What kind of imagery? What does that specifically convey? Is that what is trying to be conveyed, and what does that say about discovery in general? As a result, her actions imitate her controlling personality and engender her family to become isolated and flawed, especially towards Meg. It highlighted regularly throughout the play that Gwen thrives of conflict especially with her daughter Meg. This is highlighted when Gwen and Meg are packing the suitcase and “they struggle with the case until it is shut”. The tension that is existent between them is represented by this visual metaphor. By moving objects in the suitcase about, is also a metaphor for Gwen to change her attitude and try new ways to solve her problems.  Gow facilitates this through her dialogue when she stresses about her items during “wreak havoc with noise, light and frenzied activity”. The effect of action portrays how attached Gwen is to her materialistic items and how much she values them as she is upset about the goods being ruined by the “spectacular storm”. This storm impacts Gwen in the long run because everything she valued is now non-existent.  Gow powerfully strengthens our knowledge of how past hardships can impact the present and the unknown future.

Great analysis, but you need to link it more to overarching themes of Discovery, the human condition etc. Don't let analysis die; once you've made a great point, link it to broader themes.

Similarly in’ Zero’, Zero experiences hardship at the initiation of the film which is the core factor of why the change occurs later on. Kezelos accentuates this hardship through the use of imagery.  We are told “School was the only place where Zero received attention. It was forbidden for his denomination to multiply”.   Film techniques such as the first person perspective camera shot of Zero and flipping the camera upside down showing Zero being hung are utilised to deliver a strong depiction of Zero’s experiences as he receives these antisocial judgements. In the classroom, the other children lie to get Zero in trouble, displaying that they do not value zero like any other number. This emphasises just a small portion of the hardships Zero had to deal with. As showcased by Kezelos, hardships experienced by an individual may eventually lead into a fresh discovery.

Rather than having a concluding sentence about discovery at the end of your paragraph, place these throughout. Also, link your related text to your set text much more than this, using words like 'similarly' and 'conversely'. Compare their THEMES; this will force you to discuss broader notions of discovery

 ‘Away’ continues to facilitate how hardship catalyses acceptance and creates a meaningful discovery.  At the start of the play, Gwen always had to rely on ‘Bex’ pills to resolve all her problems. She was being too dependent on an external remedy to cure her internal problems. As the play draws to the conclusion, the storm subsides and Gwen cries “I can’t take this powder. I can’t make it go in. I want to take it and it won’t go in. I’m going to be sick”. Gwen repeats “I” as it represents the unexpected confronting discovery she is making to mentally find herself. She realises she has to solve her problems by confronting them rather than relying on the materialistic 'Bex' to eliminate the mental pain she’s experiencing. After confronting them, she becomes a better person Be more nuanced that this; what even is a 'better person'? Does she improve the way she acts towards others? Just be more specific, because this feels very colloquial. and is accepted by pupils as opposed to the person she was during the Great Depression. The storm allows her to rediscover herself as it brings her family closer together Is the storm any sort of technique? Pathetic fallacy perhaps?; thus allows her to break away the facade of negativity and accept a change in her life. Coral also becomes acceptant as she endorses the simile “like a ghost”.  The purpose of this simile emphasises how Coral has been absent since the death of her son and has been unable to cope in the real world. The self-discovery she experiences at the beach is a metaphor for her emotional journey to recovery of self and ability to ‘walk’ in the world of the living. As highlighted above, Gow continues to expand our knowledge of how accepting change brings new discoveries.

See my comments above; they all apply in this last paragraph.

A reference of acceptance moulding the personality of Zero is his baby being born. The citizens express shock and disgust at Female Zero’s pregnancy. Nevertheless, as she gives birth, this disgust changes to awe of admiration when they notice the baby bearing an ‘infinity’ marking, “The highest known number…” Zero knew “that for a nothing, he had created something truly magnificent”. Symbolism is elucidated here as the pair had given the number zero a new perception. They had brought the largest number possible to life. Now that the baby is alive, every other number values the number zero and he is able to discover what he is truly worth. As highlighted above; Kezelos continues to expand our knowledge of how change brings new discoveries. LINK THIS TO YOUR SET TEXT!!! Otherwise, it feels like you're having two completely separate discussions

Throughout Gow’s ‘Away’ , Gwen and Coral experience meaningful discoveries through the physical adventure of a holiday as they return from their holiday as new people. Kezelos demonstrates in ‘Zero’ how significant something small like the birth of a single baby can change everyone’s lives in the way they vision reality. The ideas of hardship and acceptance support how much a single change can influence how an individual sees the world around them.

Good conclusion. My main two points would be to make sure you bring analysis back to the general, thematic concerns surrounding Discovery, and to actually compare the texts rather than just write things about each text. Do they say the same thing about discovery? Do they say something different? Can you understand discovery better by looking to a combination of the texts? What do they reveal about the human condition?

Back up paragraphs
Acceptance can affirm an individual’s beliefs as they emotionally discover the power of materialism and the hardships that people face. Gow facilitates this through Gwen’s dialogue as she cries “wreak havoc with noise, light and frenzied activity”. The effect of this stage direction portrays how attached Gwen is to her materialistic items and how much she values them as she is upset about the goods being ruined by the “spectacular storm”. This storm impacts Gwen in the long run because everything she valued is now non-existent. As highlighted above, Gow extensively widens our understanding of how discoveries are brought about change.
People experience physical and mental changes as a result of being acceptant of people and events. Acceptance is demonstrated through people being changed by the discovery of a new perception is when Zero is dumped in jail. This is far too colloquial for an essay This is a visual metaphor of Zero being excluded from society. The wide angle shot displays a symbolic illustration Zero is engraving into the wall of his cell after being imprisoned for forbidden love, showing the beauty of nature and the love he has for his companion which is his only hope of discovering a new life. This is ironic as society committed a crime by discriminating his ‘type’ (number). Mysterious non diegetic music also suggests his hope for positive future possibilities in a new reality, despite the physical and ideological limitations. Zero was forced on a pathway that was once controlled by the arms of society, thus as a result to only become enriched by freedom. Christopher Kezelos helps the audience widen our understanding of how discovery can be delivered by a new concept.

[jakesilove]

Hey! Would be great if I could get some feedback and marking done for my discovery essay. I don't have anything specific that I need you to zoom into, but anything that would be helpful thanks Also don't really want to make it very much longer than this.

Hey! Check out my comments and suggestions below

Original Essay

Spoiler

Discovery has the power to transform individual lives.
How is this idea represented in your prescribed text and at least ONE other text of your choosing?
Discovery is complex in nature, allowing it to be experienced differently by various individuals; moreover, all discoveries have the power to transform the lives of the discoverer. This perspective on discovery is represented in both Ivan O’Mahoney’s 2011 documentary TV series Go Back to Where You Came From which examines responses towards discoveries regarding asylum seekers, and Lorrain Levy’s 2012 film The Other Son which focuses on a singular significant discovery that two children were mistakenly swapped at birth. O’Mahoney portrays how discoveries can transform the lives of individuals through enriching their understandings of others, and challenging their former beliefs, while Levy also reflects this through conveying the transformative impacts of discovery on one’s sense of identity.
Powerful discoveries transform the lives of individuals through enhancing their understandings of others; a concept illustrated through O’Mahoney’s portrayal of Gleny in Go Back. O’Mahoney uses an edited introductory interview to establish Gleny’s original understandings of asylum seekers; the interweaving of a midshot and the emotive language of “detention centres are inhumane,” highlight Gleny’s strong stance against the detainment of asylum seekers, revealing her sympathetic attitude towards them. Through the inclusion of musical instruments within the mise-en-scene, O’Mahoney establishes music as a recurring motif symbolic of Gleny’s support for asylum seekers and compassionate attitude. This motif recurs in the second episode, when Gleny sings with the Chin children; a rotating camera reveals the joyous facial expressions of the children, highlighting how the discoveries Gleny has made of the circumstances of the Chin children have allowed her to form personal relationships with them. This, in conjunction with the recurrence of the motif, communicates how Gleny’s discoveries have enriched her understanding of asylum seekers. In the third episode, a long shot captures Gleny imitating the dancing of an Iraqi child, symbolizing how her discovery of his underprivileged lifestyle has prompted her to form an emotional connection with him. The recurrence of the motif of diegetic music, which plays in the hospital, communicates that this discovery-driven connection has refined Gleny’s understandings of asylum seekers. This idea is also conveyed when Gleny reflects on her teaching of the Chin children. Non-diegetic music is used to emphasize her stating “it seems the more [they] have… the less they seem to realise how lucky they are”, revealing how the discovery of the Chin children’s attitudes has inspired Gleny to re-evaluate the attitudes of her Australian students, highlighting her transformed perception of other individuals. In Go Back, O’Mahoney communicates how discovery can be transformative through enriching an individual’s understanding of others.
Discoveries can transform people through challenging their previous beliefs and assumptions; this is represented in Go Back through O’Mahoney’s exploration of how the discoveries made by the participant Adam challenge his perspective on asylum seekers. Repetition of “reality check” when reflecting on his visit to the Villawood detention centre is interweaved with the zooming of the camera into a close-up highlighting his shocked facial expression, revealing how the discovery of the poor living conditions within the detention centre conflicts with his initial assumption that asylum seekers lived with “millions of dollars”, challenging his beliefs. In the second episode, repetition of “for free?” creates a shocked inquisitive tone, highlighting his disbelief that the Chin workers are unpaid. A high-angled shot of Adam working on the soil conveys his fatigue and lack of motivation, which is juxtaposed to a long shot of him working harder after making this challenging discovery, revealing how it has deeply transformed him. When reflecting on the immigration raid, a close-up is used in conjunction with emotional non-diegetic music when he states in an indirect interview, “I’d get on a boat,” to emphasize his support for asylum seekers; this is extended through the alternating close=ups with Darren, contrasting his unchallenged beliefs with Adam’s. When this is contrasted with Adam’s strong opposition to them in the opening of the series, established through the emotive language of “criminals” in his pre-packaged introductory interview, as well as O’Mahoney’s dramatization through included footage of the Race Riots, it is revealed that the discoveries made during the series have challenged his initial beliefs and transformed him. Through portraying how discoveries have the power to challenge an individual’s ideas, O’Mahoney represents the transformative nature of discovery.
Similarly, Levy’s film The Other Son explores how powerful discoveries can transform an individual through enriching and challenging their sense of identity. Following Leila’s discovery that Yacine is not her biological son, Levy uses a panning camera between the two, revealing their familial connection. Similarly to O’Mahoney, Levy uses diegetic music of the family singing to further highlight their relationship, emphasizing how Leila’s discovery has enriched her understanding of Yacine’s familial identity. Later in the film, chiaroscuro is used, representing Bilal’s anger when he yells “you’re not one of us!” portraying his rejection of Yacine, emphasizing how the discovery of Yacine’s lack of biological connection has transformed his beliefs of Yacine’s familial identity. When Joseph discovers that he is an Arab, a high-angle shot is used of him, highlighting his anguish as he exclaims “I’ll have to swap my kippa for a suicide bomb!” conveying how his cultural identity has been deeply challenged and transformed by the sudden discovery, similar to Adam’s “reality check” in Go Back. Soon after, Levy includes a scene of him dancing, intertwined with non-diegetic music lacks synchronization his dancing. This juxtaposition of visual and auditory features of the film represents his inner conflict, revealing how the discovery of his ethnicity has transformed his cultural and personal identity. The power of discovery is represented in The Other Son through Levy’s exploration of its effects on the identity of the characters of the film.
While discoveries can be multifaceted and affect individuals in various ways, it is made clear through Go Back and The Other Son that discovery has an innate transformative power. Both composers represent this idea through portraying the impacts of discovery on the individuals of their respective texts.

Essay with Comments

Spoiler

Discovery has the power to transform individual lives.
How is this idea represented in your prescribed text and at least ONE other text of your choosing?

Discovery is complex in nature, allowing it to be experienced differently by various individuals; moreover, all discoveries have the power to transform the lives of the discoverer. Perfect This perspective on discovery is represented in both Ivan O’Mahoney’s 2011 documentary TV series Go Back to Where You Came From which examines responses towards discoveries regarding asylum seekers, and Lorrain Levy’s 2012 film The Other Son which focuses on a singular significant discovery that two children were mistakenly swapped at birth. O’Mahoney portrays how discoveries can transform the lives of individuals through enriching their understandings of others, and challenging their former beliefs, while Levy also reflects this through conveying the transformative impacts of discovery on one’s sense of identity.

Absolutely perfect. You have a great balance of analysis, context and authority. I can already tell that this is a band 6 response

Powerful discoveries transform the lives of individuals through enhancing their understandings of others; a concept illustrated through O’Mahoney’s portrayal of Gleny in Go Back. O’Mahoney uses an edited introductory interview to establish Gleny’s original understandings of asylum seekers; the interweaving of a midshot and the emotive language of “detention centres are inhumane,” highlight Gleny’s strong stance against the detainment of asylum seekers, revealing her sympathetic attitude towards them. Can you go into any more depth about the visual techniques you've outlined about? What do they evoke in the audience? Through the inclusion of musical instruments within the mise-en-scene, O’Mahoney establishes music as a recurring motif symbolic of Gleny’s support for asylum seekers and compassionate attitude. Again, you've basically said that technique A tells us fact B. But what does this tell us about discovery? This motif recurs in the second episode, when Gleny sings with the Chin children; a rotating camera reveals the joyous facial expressions of the children, highlighting how the discoveries Gleny has made of the circumstances of the Chin children have allowed her to form personal relationships with them. This, in conjunction with the recurrence of the motif, communicates how Gleny’s discoveries have enriched her understanding of asylum seekers. In the third episode, a long shot captures Gleny imitating the dancing of an Iraqi child, symbolizing how her discovery of his underprivileged lifestyle has prompted her to form an emotional connection with him. The recurrence of the motif of diegetic music, which plays in the hospital, communicates that this discovery-driven connection has refined Gleny’s understandings of asylum seekers. This idea is also conveyed when Gleny reflects on her teaching of the Chin children. Non-diegetic music is used to emphasize her stating “it seems the more [they] have… the less they seem to realise how lucky they are”, revealing how the discovery of the Chin children’s attitudes has inspired Gleny to re-evaluate the attitudes of her Australian students, highlighting her transformed perception of other individuals. In Go Back, O’Mahoney communicates how discovery can be transformative through enriching an individual’s understanding of others.

I like that you follow the transformative journey of one character, but I'm worried that you spend too much time just recounting what happens in each episode, and not enough time answering the question. What does this filmography tell you about Discovery? What is the director trying to show, and what does the character portray? Is it a good overall example of discovery, or only a very specific one with no wider implications? What themes are elicited. I know you don't want to make the essay longer; just cut down on the 'explanatory' sections, and increase your analysis of techniques in terms of the broader themes.

Discoveries can transform people through challenging their previous beliefs and assumptions; this is represented in Go Back through O’Mahoney’s exploration of how the discoveries made by the participant Adam challenge his perspective on asylum seekers. Repetition of “reality check” when reflecting on his visit to the Villawood detention centre is interweaved with the zooming of the camera into a close-up highlighting his shocked facial expression, revealing how the discovery of the poor living conditions within the detention centre conflicts with his initial assumption that asylum seekers lived with “millions of dollars”, challenging his beliefs. In the second episode, repetition of “for free?” creates a shocked inquisitive tone, highlighting his disbelief that the Chin workers are unpaid. You're doing a great job of identifying techniques, but a less good job of telling me why I should CARE about the specific scenes you've chosen. I know that you know the answer to this; but make it clear to the marker! A high-angled shot of Adam working on the soil conveys his fatigue and lack of motivation, which is juxtaposed to a long shot of him working harder after making this challenging discovery, revealing how it has deeply transformed him. When reflecting on the immigration raid, a close-up is used in conjunction with emotional non-diegetic music when he states in an indirect interview, “I’d get on a boat,” to emphasize his support for asylum seekers; this is extended through the alternating close-ups with Darren, contrasting his unchallenged beliefs with Adam’s. When this is contrasted with Adam’s strong opposition to them in the opening of the series, established through the emotive language of “criminals” in his pre-packaged introductory interview, as well as O’Mahoney’s dramatization through included footage of the Race Riots, it is revealed that the discoveries made during the series have challenged his initial beliefs and transformed him. Through portraying how discoveries have the power to challenge an individual’s ideas, O’Mahoney represents the transformative nature of discovery.

You're concluding sentence is great, but I need more of them throughout the paragraph.

Similarly, Levy’s film The Other Son explores how powerful discoveries can transform an individual through enriching and challenging their sense of identity. Would it not make more structural sense to go Set text, Related text, Set text? That way, you can compare the related to the first para of the set text, then the second para of set text to the related? Just an idea! Following Leila’s discovery that Yacine is not her biological son, Levy uses a panning camera between the two, revealing their familial connection. Similarly to O’Mahoney, Great Levy uses diegetic music of the family singing to further highlight their relationship, emphasizing how Leila’s discovery has enriched her understanding of Yacine’s familial identity. Later in the film, chiaroscuro is used, representing Bilal’s anger when he yells “you’re not one of us!” portraying his rejection of Yacine, emphasizing how the discovery of Yacine’s lack of biological connection has transformed his beliefs of Yacine’s familial identity. So? What does this actually say about discovery/humanity? What are we willing to accept? Are some discoveries, in fact, negative? When Joseph discovers that he is an Arab, a high-angle shot is used of him, highlighting his anguish as he exclaims “I’ll have to swap my kippa for a suicide bomb!” conveying how his cultural identity has been deeply challenged and transformed by the sudden discovery, similar to Adam’s “reality check” in Go Back. Soon after, Levy includes a scene of him dancing, intertwined with non-diegetic music lacks synchronization his dancing. This juxtaposition of visual and auditory features of the film represents his inner conflict, revealing how the discovery of his ethnicity has transformed his cultural and personal identity. The power of discovery is represented in The Other Son through Levy’s exploration of its effects on the identity of the characters of the film.

While discoveries can be multifaceted and affect individuals in various ways, it is made clear through Go Back and The Other Son that discovery has an innate transformative power. Both composers represent this idea through portraying the impacts of discovery on the individuals of their respective texts.

Your conclusion is powerful. Your conclusion explains your essay in a way I hadn't really thought about before. Your language in your conclusion is perfect. Try to bring this to the rest of the essay; keep the larger picture in mind. Your analysis of techniques is really fantastic, and there's no more 'work' you need to put into this. Just think about the structure; cut down on long explanatory sections, and add more thematic discussion. What does your selection of techniques say about the nature of discovery? This essay has the potential to be absolutely kick-ass; don't forget the essay's PURPOSE when you're just citing off quotes and techniques. Good luck!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi everyone! So exams are right around the corner, and unsurprisingly, there are a HEAP of people wanting feedback on essays. Given that demand is really high, it is only natural that we will need to increase the post requirement for the coming days, to make sure that our feedback remains of the highest possible quality. Thus, for all essays posted between now (this post) and this time next week, you will need 30 posts for every essay you would like marked. Note that this does not apply to essays before this point, meaning no one is in post debt. It just means that essays 'cost more' for the next week. We appreciate your understanding


Note: We will be very harsh on our posting rules over the coming days. Posting in old threads, multi-posting, shit-posting and spamming (etc) to access essay marking won't work. Immediate 48 hour posting bans will be applied in all circumstances

[massive]

Hey guys I have the tempest as my prescribed text, I was just wondering; how do you contextualise a scene before introducing your quotes so that your marker knows what you're on about?

Oh and also, what arguments do you talk about after you've decided on a thesis? (for each paragraph)

[bethjomay]

Would I be able to scan an essay I wrote by hand and get it marked that way?

[jamonwindeyer]

Would I be able to scan an essay I wrote by hand and get it marked that way?

Hey Beth! You certainly can do it that way! We'll just pop typed comments under headings for each paragraph, or something similar!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey guys I have the tempest as my prescribed text, I was just wondering; how do you contextualise a scene before introducing your quotes so that your marker knows what you're on about?

Oh and also, what arguments do you talk about after you've decided on a thesis? (for each paragraph)

Hey massive! So I'm of the opinion that you don't need to contextualise much at all, purely enough so that the marker knows what sort of thing you are referencing. It doesn't need to be explained fully in the context of the text.

EG - The composer utilises close ups in the closing scene to accentuate empathy for the protagonist and thus communicate _______.

All I've done there is say the "closing scene," I've not talked about what is happening or why, because that is irrelevant

Your paragraph arguments should be mini-sections of your Thesis! So for example, if your Thesis is something on the power of relationships, your first paragraph could be positives, your second negatives, your third a mixture of both/confusion? Any way you choose to break them up, provided it is logical

[pahad2000]

Hi, I just wanted feedback for a thesis statement I wrote.
Question: “Deliberate planning is essential for a discovery.” Is this your view? Write a persuasive response referring to representations of physical journeys in your texts.In your response, refer to your prescribed text and TWO other related texts of your own choosing.
Thesis Statement: The process of deliberate planning which confines and restricts our expectations of experiences and their outcomes is essential for a discovery. Through such a process of cogitation, human values are compared with the greater world and its differences thereby allowing for reconciliation via discovery.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi, I just wanted feedback for a thesis statement I wrote.
Question: “Deliberate planning is essential for a discovery.” Is this your view? Write a persuasive response referring to representations of physical journeys in your texts.In your response, refer to your prescribed text and TWO other related texts of your own choosing.
Thesis Statement: The process of deliberate planning which confines and restricts our expectations of experiences and their outcomes is essential for a discovery. Through such a process of cogitation, human values are compared with the greater world and its differences thereby allowing for reconciliation via discovery.

Welcome to the forums pahad2000! I think that statement works really well, though I think you could have a little more clarity, particularly in what you mean by 'reconciliation via discovery.' Overall, a really cool conceptual statement

[marynguyen18]

can i just say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who gives us feedback on our essays, I've gotten more feedback from my teacher in the past two weeks leading up to the HSC than i have from my teacher who still hasn't answered my email so thank you immensely.