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September 02, 2025, 04:18:15 am

Author Topic: Modern History Essay Marking  (Read 120502 times)

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jakesilove

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #45 on: June 03, 2016, 05:31:38 pm »
Hey, I want to impress my teacher with this essay due soon, she thinks really low of me. Anyway the task is to do three essays on Albert Speer and this one was "assess the range of opinions on Speer being a willing and enthusiastic Nazi. I have always done really badly in modern history essays. My teacher refuses to teach me how to write one, HELP! :) thanks (it's messy don't worry about the referencing)

Hey!

See my comments below :)

Spoiler
Maddy, this essay is going to need a lot of work. If I'm honest, it feels chaotic and inconsistent. My main advice is to basically start again, from scratch, but after having done a lot more preparation. I know that this seems dire, but honestly you can definitely pull together a good essay. It's just going to take some work. How can you bring your essay up to scratch? First of all, check out the article that I wrote here.

Your thesis needs to be clearer, your sentences need more structure, and your historical tone/language needs improvement. Read up on some historians that have researched and written about Speer; try utilising their language and style. Sentences like "It’s known that Albert Speer was not like most of the other Nazi’s from the beginning of when he first joined the party" is clunky, and doesn't get the point across. Similarly, talking about the "loving and warm ambiance" of Speer's household (or lack thereof) is not using any historical tone. You need to be far more formal; please focus on that whenever you write a History essay in the future.

You use some good quotes, and some good general factual analysis, but that needs to be much more the focus of your essay. Use way more quotes, and way more facts/statistics, to back up whatever point you're trying to make (on that note: make the point/thesis clear. At the start, you seem to believe Speer was a good guy. As you continue, it's like you realise he was a piece of shit, and your conclusion reflects that. Having a sustained thesis throughout).

Here is what I think you should do. Write down two or three themes (eg. relationship with Hitler, Antisemitism and Nuremburg). Then, write down a whole bunch of quotes and facts that relate to that topic underneath (all in list form). Then, write out your thesis in like one sentence, so that you can always refer back to it as you're writing your essay (this ensures that your thesis is sustained). Finally, expand this into an essay. Use historical language, a sustained thesis, and formal language. You definitely have the potential for writing a good essay, and I know that there are a lot of things to keep in mind, but if you want to improve in the subject these are all things you'll need to take on board.

This is a lot to think about. I don't know when your assessment is due, but if you ever want to post another essay, or even just a few sentences/paragraphs, I'd love to take a look to make sure you're on the right track. If you have any other questions, or want me to be clearer on any of my above points, please feel free to post again or send me a message. I hope we can help boost your teacher's perception of you! It's definitely possible, it will just take a bit of work :)

Jake

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jamonwindeyer

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #46 on: June 14, 2016, 11:33:24 pm »
Attention! The essay marking rules have now changed  ;D Due to increasing popularity, and to make sure essay marking services remain accessible for active members of the ATAR Notes community, a new post exchange policy is in effect for all essays below this line. Every 5 ATAR Notes posts qualifies you for one essay to be marked. 50 posts qualifies you for 10 essays, etc. Details can be found at this link! Thanks!  ;D
« Last Edit: July 26, 2016, 08:47:23 pm by jamonwindeyer »

birdwing341

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #47 on: June 26, 2016, 03:30:53 pm »
Hello again, I've written an essay on Hitler's role in the Nazi State from 1933-1939. I'm not too confident in terms of structure or content, so any advice, on everything, would be handy.

Thanks in advance!!

jakesilove

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #48 on: June 26, 2016, 09:25:10 pm »
Hello again, I've written an essay on Hitler's role in the Nazi State from 1933-1939. I'm not too confident in terms of structure or content, so any advice, on everything, would be handy.

Thanks in advance!!

Hey! Below are my comments :)

Original Essay:

Spoiler
Evaluate Hitler’s role in the Nazi state between 1933 and 1939

Adolf Hitler’s impressive rise to power culminated in his appointment as Chancellor on 30 January 1933. Yet Hitler and Nazi Party were established as a party of negative consensus, a party built to come into power, but not one prepared to rule. It seems likely, then, that Hitler ruled Germany the only way he knew, as he ran the Nazi party; maintaining full authority and relying on public support, yet choosing to use it only when absolutely necessary or when he desired, increasingly rarely as time passed, as his focus shifted towards the establishment of “the greater German Reich”. Once in power, the establishment of the Führerprinzip, which characterised the state, the polycratic system of government, and the Führer Myth, combined with his foreign policy success all saw Hitler’s power and popularity soar as he maintained his position as dictator.

After Hitler assumed his position as head of the Deutsche Arbeiterpartei (DAP), the predecessor to the Nazi party, in 1921, he introduced the Führerprinzip into the party ideology. In essence, it gave the Führer the final decision in settling critical issues and gave Hitler the ability to create Nazi ideology. Once in power, this allowed Hitler the ultimate authority over any potential crisis that was occurring in Germany. Hitler used his position extensively in the consolidation of the party’s power, including in the draft of the Reichstag Fire Decree on 27 February 1933, which suspended key articles of the constitution that guaranteed the right to the freedom of speech. In response to the fire, the Volkischer Beobachter, the Nazi newspaper, declared that “the constitution is the will of the Führer”, a perfect example of the power Hitler’s position wielded. His power was reinforced through the Gauleiter system, which atomised society, and placed Hitler at the top of a chain of power that ran through each district, region, area and block. This ensured any decision Hitler made was effectively carried out throughout all of Germany, and gave his dictatorial position dictatorial power.

However, it was not in Hitler’s personality to take an active stance in the day-to-day running of the state, and instead he developed a system known as polycracy, where individuals and groups would be in constant conflict with other individuals and groups performing the same task. Whilst some historians interpret this system as a sign he was a “weak dictator”, the constant conflict actually enhanced Hitler’s position of power significantly, as Dietrich Bracher says “the antagonism between rival agencies was resolved solely in the key position of the Führer, which derived precisely from the complex opposition of power groups and personal ties”. Hitler’s lack of consistent and concrete beliefs also allowed individuals to interpret his statements in their own way and implement policy according to their beliefs, granting them further power, a process known as “Working towards the Führer”. One example is Philipp Bouhler’s policy of euthanasia, which came into being after he recognised Hitler’s views on race and belief in a world where the strong rule over the weak, and presented his idea to Hitler. The constant fighting between groups and the willingness of individuals to take governing into their own hands allowed Hitler to distance himself from government, and preserved his authority.

Yet according to Kershaw, the German people believed in Hitler as a man on a “historical mission to save Germany”, and thus his role in the Nazi state was not an “institutional one” but rather “charismatic”. And therefore in the eyes of the people, Hitler needed to be a man who was actively working to ensure the revival of German national sovereignty. The myth of Hitler as a hardworking leader was propagated in the Führer Myth by Joseph Goebbels, which he considered to be his greatest work. Goebbels portrayed Hitler as a man destined to rule over Germany, a man who gave up his family life for the service of a nation and a source of unification for an otherwise divided nation. Goebbels’ myth encouraged Germans to look at the harsh measures imposed by the regime and attribute them to Hitler’s subordinates and instead express a longing that “If only the Führer knew” everything would be alright. This was in deep contrast to the reality of Hitler, who was incredibly lazy, woke up at 11 am each morning and did little practical work in the running of the state, yet knew about everything that went on and cared little. The myth was so successful that even though Hitler contributed little to the everyday running of the state, his presence was vital for the popularity and survival of the regime, cementing his authority, which he rarely ever used.

As Hitler’s ultimate aim of creating a “greater Reich” became increasingly tenable, he began to use his power to engage in aggressive foreign policy. This is the area in which Hitler took the most interest in over the years from 1933 to 1939. He began first, in 1935, with a referendum in the Saarland on whether they wished to unite with Germany. The result was a 90% majority for affirmative, which boosted Hitler’s image as a man who was to restore German national honour. His successes continued with the “invasion” of the demilitarised Rhineland in 1936, which further emphasised Hitler’s ability to restore sovereignty. Hitler consistently portrayed himself as a man of peace to European leaders, but one that wished for a return of all the German people into one greater German Reich. This begun with the Anschluss with Austria in March 1938 and culminated in the Munich Conference in which Hitler was given access to the Czech Sudetenland later in 1938. For the German people, who had been so downcast by the diminutive Treaty of Versailles, Hitler’s actions in expanding the army and taking land for their nation gave him credibility and cemented his position further.
Therefore, it can be said that Hitler played an important role within the Nazi State from 1933 to 1939. Whilst he rarely played a role in the government of Germany, outside of pursuing foreign policy success, his position, heightened in power by the Führerprinzip and Führer Myth, gave him ultimate authority over the country.


Essay with comments:
Spoiler
Evaluate Hitler’s role in the Nazi state between 1933 and 1939

Adolf Hitler’s impressive rise to power culminated in his appointment as Chancellor on 30 January 1933. I would probably be careful using the word "impressive" to describe Hitler; whilst I don't necessarily disagree (on an objective level), let's not forget he was a bit of a dickhead. Maybe his "rapid and complete rise to power"? however,   Hitler and Nazi Party were established as a party of negative consensus, a party built to come into power, but not one prepared to rule. nice  It seems likely, then, that Hitler ruled Germany the only way he knew, as he ran the Nazi party; maintaining full authority and relying on public support, yet choosing to use it only when absolutely necessary or when he desired, increasingly rarely as time passed, as his focus shifted towards the establishment of “the greater German Reich”. Once in power, the establishment of the Führerprinzip, which characterised the state, the polycratic system of government, and the Führer Myth, combined with his foreign policy success all saw Hitler’s power and popularity soar as he maintained his position as dictator. Your use of historic language is phenomenal, and I really like your argument. I need you to make it a bit clearer though; was Hitler's role simply as a figurehead, a strong leader, or was it substantial? Was it a mix of both? You clearly understand the concepts, and are doing a great job of displaying your knowledge. but I need a single sentence that outlines your thesis in a clear, succinct way.

After Hitler assumed his position as head of the Deutsche Arbeiterpartei (DAP), the predecessor to the Nazi party, in 1921, he introduced the Führerprinzip into the party ideology. In essence, it gave the Führer the final decision in settling critical issues and gave Hitler the ability to create Nazi ideology. From memory, this was part of the 1921 25 point plan. See if you can get a bit more concrete here; find a quote, a proper date etc. Once in power, this allowed Hitler the ultimate authority over any potential crisis that was occurring in Germany. Hitler used his position extensively in the consolidation of the party’s power, including in the draft of the Reichstag Fire Decree on 27 February 1933, which suspended key articles of the constitution that guaranteed the right to the freedom of speech. In response to the fire, the Volkischer Beobachter, the Nazi newspaper, declared that “the constitution is the will of the Führer”, a perfect example of the power Hitler’s position wielded. His power was reinforced through the Gauleiter system, which atomised society, and placed Hitler at the top of a chain of power that ran through each district, region, area and block. This ensured any decision Hitler made was effectively carried out throughout all of Germany, and gave his dictatorial position dictatorial power. I need more here. This is really good, so I want to push you a bit further. Maybe you talk about it further below, but Hitler consolidated his power in many more ways than just the Reichstag Fire Decree. Think the Rohm massacre (I think it was Rohm, I could be wrong. A death toll of 200 comes to mind) in which the inner sanctum was culled, displaying the need for a SINGLE power etc. A few more examples would push this paragraph over the edge.

However, it was not in Hitler’s personality to take an active stance in the day-to-day running of the state, and instead he developed a system known as polycracy, where individuals and groups would be in constant conflict with other individuals and groups performing the same task. Whilst some historians interpret this system as a sign he was a “weak dictator”, the constant conflict actually enhanced Hitler’s position of power significantly, as Dietrich Bracher says “the antagonism between rival agencies was resolved solely in the key position of the Führer, which derived precisely from the complex opposition of power groups and personal ties”. I've always been a sucker for this argument; absolutely love it. Make your thesis clearer though: Hitler's role may have been one of a figurehead, but this was in no way any less calculated than the direct dictatorial power he exercised over Germany. Hitler’s lack of consistent and concrete beliefs also allowed individuals to interpret his statements in their own way and implement policy according to their beliefs, granting them further power, a process known as “Working towards the Führer”. One example is Philipp Bouhler’s policy of euthanasia, which came into being after he recognised Hitler’s views on race and belief in a world where the strong rule over the weak, and presented his idea to Hitler. The constant fighting between groups and the willingness of individuals to take governing into their own hands allowed Hitler to distance himself from government, and preserved his authority. Try to add some more specific, accurate, relevant and detailed examples. Action T4 took a certain number of lives, over a certain period of time; It's also not quite clear how this links into your overall thesis (I understand how it does, but make it clearer to the marker). Were there squabbles between Party leaders? The answer is obviously yes; use those examples to your advantage. I don't remember who it was, but I'm recalling something to do with Himmler.

Yet according to Kershaw, the German people believed in Hitler as a man on a “historical mission to save Germany”, and thus his role in the Nazi state was not an “institutional one” but rather “charismatic”. If you think that you're "not too confident in terms of structure or content", you're dreaming; the structure and content has been fantastic so far. You clearly sum up what you're about to talk about at the start of the paragraph, lead into your thesis and bring it home with some gorgeously selected facts. I think, though, that given the nuance of this argument, you should critique each point a bit more. Agreeing with historians is easy; disagreeing is far more fun. Yes, Hitler had an actual role, a 'figurehead' role, and a 'charismatic' role, but is there a reason to think that any of these were not actually the case? You claim he took no heed of the day-to-day operations; are you sure about that? Are there ways to critique each of your thesis pillars, and thus make them seem stronger and more nuanced? I'm only suggesting this because this has been a great essay so far; extending yourself will only make it better. And 0o
therefore in the eyes of the people, Hitler needed to be a man who was actively working to ensure the revival of German national sovereignty. The myth of Hitler as a hardworking leader was propagated in the Führer Myth by Joseph Goebbels, which he considered to be his greatest work. Where did Goebbels paint this epic picture? There are some great stats about the number of televisions increasing exponentially from 1933-39, propaganda films released, etc. etc. Use those facts to your advantage.Goebbels portrayed Hitler as a man destined to rule over Germany, a man who gave up his family life for the service of a nation and a source of unification for an otherwise divided nation. Goebbels’ myth encouraged Germans to look at the harsh measures imposed by the regime and attribute them to Hitler’s subordinates and instead express a longing that “If only the Führer knew” everything would be alright. Use the Kristallnacht example (as it falls within your time period); despite mass outcry at the horrors commitment (or, more aptly, outcry regarding the property damage), the sentiment was defensive of the Fuhrer at every turn. Truly incredible, really. Disgusting, but incredible. This was in deep contrast to the reality of Hitler, who was incredibly lazy, woke up at 11 am each morning and did little practical work in the running of the state, yet knew about everything that went on and cared little. Given the high level of your use of historical language thus far, Hitler being described as "incredible lazy" was pretty jarring. Probably change that entire sentence, cutting it down to a few words if possible. Also, get a primary source quote, because this statistic sounds juvenile (not untrue, but like something you could have made up on the spot). The myth was so successful that even though Hitler contributed little to the everyday running of the state, his presence was vital for the popularity and survival of the regime, cementing his authority, which he rarely ever used.

As Hitler’s ultimate aim of creating a “greater Reich” If you know the relevant German, use that, and put the English translation in brackets. became increasingly tenable, he began to use his power to engage in aggressive foreign policy. This is the area in which Hitler took the most interest in over the years from 1933 to 1939. He began first, in 1935, Lots of things happened in 1935; the more specific the date, the better. with a referendum in the Saarland on whether they wished to unite with Germany. The result was a 90% majority for affirmative, which boosted Hitler’s image as a man who was to restore German national honour. His successes continued with the “invasion” of the demilitarised Rhineland in 1936, which further emphasised Hitler’s ability to restore sovereignty. Hitler consistently portrayed himself as a man of peace to European leaders, but one that wished for a return of all the German people into one greater German Reich. This begun with the Anschluss with Austria in March 1938 and culminated in the Munich Conference in which Hitler was given access to the Czech Sudetenland later in 1938. For the German people, who had been so downcast by the diminutive Treaty of Versailles, Hitler’s actions in expanding the army and taking land for their nation gave him credibility and cemented his position further. Not a massive fan of this paragraph. In all the others, you discuss facts/statistics, use them to build your thesis, and then support it with more facts/stats. I think here you've just really explained what happened. Instead, make an argument, and say something like "this is evident in the Anschluss with Australia, etc. etc. Also, emotive language like "downcast" doesn't have any place in History, unless you are quoting a historian. You can definitely find a quote somewhere, but don't get too teary eyed for the German people.

Therefore, it can be said that Hitler played an important role within the Nazi State from 1933 to 1939. Whilst he rarely played a role in the government of Germany, outside of pursuing foreign policy success, his position, heightened in power by the Führerprinzip and Führer Myth, gave him ultimate authority over the country. 

You conclusion needs to actually sum up your argument, which is far more nuanced that two sentences can describe. Hitler was a man with many roles; authoritative, administrative, idolatry and adversarial. He played each role in a varying capacity, and Historians have long debated over which was most prevalent, or in any way purposive. Your essay is great, and I think the comments above are  enough to turn this into something really really incredible. The only thing I think this is missing overall is a sense of debate among historians. You don't need to turn it into a historiographical study, but answering this question is one of the hardest things Modern Historians are faced with, and many disagree vehemently with each other. Bring that in; "A says this. B, in disagreement, suggests this" etc. Even do this a little, and the marker will be blown away. Congratulations on a great essay.
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birdwing341

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #49 on: June 27, 2016, 04:48:44 pm »
Thanks for the feedback Jake. Will probably cut that last paragraph and put more effort into clearing up my thesis both in the introduction and other paragraphs. Given my exam is coming up soon, I wanted to have some idea of where I should be going if a question like this appeared in the exam (which I think is very likely). Thanks very much!!

jakesilove

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #50 on: June 27, 2016, 05:34:48 pm »
Thanks for the feedback Jake. Will probably cut that last paragraph and put more effort into clearing up my thesis both in the introduction and other paragraphs. Given my exam is coming up soon, I wanted to have some idea of where I should be going if a question like this appeared in the exam (which I think is very likely). Thanks very much!!

No problem at all! Let me know if I can help in any other way; it was a great essay, congratulations
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atar27

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #51 on: July 08, 2016, 06:12:47 pm »
Hi, This is a essay question for my assessment but I'm not quite sure how to approach it!

Evaluate the view that Operation Barbarossa was a significant turning point that led to Germany’s defeat.

Any help will be much appreciated!!
Thank you  :)


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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #52 on: July 21, 2016, 11:02:04 am »
Hi, i'm struggling on how to approach this essay question,

'To what extent was the collapse of collective security the main cause of the tensions that led to the outbreak of conflict in Europe?'

Could you help me out please?

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #53 on: July 21, 2016, 04:21:15 pm »
Hi, Could you please check my history essay, and if it is okay could you please send the feedback on a word document since I cannot access the spoilers
Thank You
P.S. Please mark the essay as soon as possible please, i need it by tomorrow morning
I highly appreciate your help! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #54 on: July 27, 2016, 12:43:39 am »
Attention! The essay marking requirements have been updated, in effect for every essay posted below this mark  ;D The post exchange rate has now been increased to 15, that is, every piece of feedback is now worth 15 posts. 3 essays marked needs 45 ATAR Notes posts, 10 essays needs 150 posts, etc etc. The full essay rules are available at this link! Thanks everyone!  ;D

jakesilove

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #55 on: July 27, 2016, 10:51:30 pm »
Hi, Could you please check my history essay, and if it is okay could you please send the feedback on a word document since I cannot access the spoilers
Thank You
P.S. Please mark the essay as soon as possible please, i need it by tomorrow morning
I highly appreciate your help! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

Hey! Sorry that I didn't get to your essay in time; unfortunately, there's no way that we manage a one day turn around. Hope that you managed to complete an essay that you were happy with, and I'd love to take a look at any future drafts!

Jake
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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #56 on: September 28, 2016, 07:39:13 pm »
How many historians should I include in an essay?

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #57 on: September 28, 2016, 08:11:47 pm »
How many historians should I include in an essay?

Maybe 1-2 per paragraph? However don't stress too much about historians, as from what I have been told the marking centre is moving away from them being a necessity. They'd much rather see you formulate your own ideas and judgements, than regurgitate those of a historian. Basically, don't use a historian to replace your own judgement, but moreso, if necessary, just to strengthen or back up your own judgement. According to my teacher, you can still probably get a 23+/25 in an essay without using historians, but I don't know if that is a definitive fact. Hope this helped :)
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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #58 on: October 01, 2016, 07:29:32 pm »
hello this is my revision essay for one of the past hsc questions could someone take a look at it? thanks !!!!

jakesilove

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #59 on: October 02, 2016, 10:13:49 am »
hello this is my revision essay for one of the past hsc questions could someone take a look at it? thanks !!!!

Hey! Check out my comments below :) I'll just note that I didn't do this topic, so I can't really help when it comes to deciding what you should or shouldn't include. I'll just take a look at your essay as a whole!

Original essay
Spoiler
Assess the consequences of the war in 1948 for both Israel and the Palestinians in the period up to 1967
The 1948 war had huge unforeseen consequences on both the Israeli’s and Palestinian people. For the Jews, the most significant effect was the growth of Arab nationalism that created a more forceful adversary; however the influx of immigrants and the acquired territory were also important results. The Palestinian people had simultaneous highly significant outcomes of the war which overall created a changed of attitude. A large amount of their population was displaced, a new form of warfare was established and the Palestinian Liberation Organisation was initiated.
The UN partition Resolution on 29 November 1947, partitioning the territory of Palestine into an Israel State and an Arab state had been the impetus for the War of Independence/ Catastrophe.  Further more with Plan D being implemented in April and May 1948 aiming to quell the increasing Arab violence against Jews, it involved  the destruction of Arab villages for the first time. With implications of ethnic cleansing, it further lead to increased hostility in both sides leading to the 1948 war.
There were many adverse consequences for both sides, particularly the Palestinians due to their loss in the War of Catastrophe.  One consequence was the creation of the Israeli state and the simultaneous ceasing of Palestine to exist. For Israel however suffering high casualties , its territory expanded to include that the UN had originally allocated for the new Arab State, covering about 80 percent of the old Palestine.  Meanwhile the Arab states and Palestinians refused diplomatic recognition to Israel and would not acknowledge the Jewish right to exist. Schlaim states that “Israel emerged from the war economically exhausted but with superior organisation and morale, a tremendous sense of achievement, and a confident outlook on the future that formed a solid foundation for the development of parliamentary democracy”. Contrastingly no Arab states emerged after 1949, Palestinian historians assert this was because Israel, supported by Western powers prevented it. 
A highly significant consequence of the 1948-9 war to the Palestinians was the refugee crisis with about 700,000 Palestinians fleeing their homes in Israeli-controlled territory. Resolution 194 called for reparation of Palestinian Refugees, but Israel refused the return of thousands of Arabs to their homes. For many Jews, this was justified on the account that Arabs had not accepted the UN partition, and thus shouldn't need to cater for their return. Many also simply claimed it was a hindrance to the new state.  The bulk of the refugees ended up in the West Bank and Gaza strip and in neighbouring Arab countries especially Transjordan, Syria and Lebanon. Intellectual Palestinians went to the big cities but the majority fellaheen were unskilled and went to appalling UN camps in neighbouring Arab cities.  Those in camps had limited access to employment and were heavily reliant on charity, many became extremely ill due to poverty and poor living conditions. The camps were places of desperation, degradation and insecurity, and remain so until this very day. Arab hosts did little to integrate them into their places of refuge, as they believed it was Israel’s problem because they had created the issue. This situation resulted in the Arab states continuing refusal to negotiate directly with, or recognize Israel.
After the 1948-9 war there was a massive growth of Jewish immigrants in to Israel, which caused a large strain on its economy but also a strengthening of the Zionist cause. The outbreak of the war caused an increase in anti-Jewish violence in the countries of the Middle East and North Africa.  In Cairo and Berut synagogues were attacked and Jewish houses looted, however there is controversy among historians concerning whether Israeli agents planted bombs in Jewish synagogues in order to stimulate immigration to Israel.  Within weeks of the establishment of the Israeli state, a steady stream of immigrants began to arrive; within 5 years the population had doubled, from approximately 650,000 in 1948 to 1.4 million in 1951. Causing immense strains on Israels undeveloped economy with severe housing shortages. Although some Jews emigrated because of the influence of Zionism that proclaimed the law of return of the Jewish people , many came as a result of persecution by Arab and other countries.  The largest single influx of Jews came from Iraq , 123371 in total, with their property seized and being unable to take assets with them. The second largest group of immigrants were the 120 000 survivors of the Holocaust, many of whom had been held in British detention camps in Cyprus. The Jewish exodus was also influenced by the Zionist underground movement, which convinced many Jews that emigration offered the best solution to their problems. Thus due to the large influxes of Jews there were hard strains on the economy but ultimately strengthened the Zionist cause as a consequence of the 1948 war.
The growth of Arab nationalism and introduction of the Fedayeen was the most significant consequences for Israel, as they had to deal with a more assertive, drastic adversary.  Fedayeen attacks across the border were a constant source of tension for the Israelis. These raids led to the murder of Israeli citizens and terrorist attacks and according to the U.N. Truce Supervision Organisation nearly 500 Arabs and over 120 Israeli’s were killed. Because Arab governments denied responsibility, these attacks severely increased tension; with Israel responding with major retaliatory raids across armistice lines. In 1954, Gamal Abdel Nasser became president of Egypt and for months Nasser had been unsuccessfully seeking weapons from USA to modernize his army. After the Gaza Raid in 1955 there was a new urgency, so Nasser turned to the communist bloc and purchased weapons from Czech in September 1955, officially sponsoring Fedayeen raids into Israel. Egypt’s growing ties with the Soviet Union aroused the anger of the Western powers and apprehensions in Israel about Nasser’s ultimate ambitions, with many in west believing Egypt was on the way to becoming a dominant regional power as they pursued a fiercely nationalistic policy. Nasser also led the Free Officers movement which composed of young junior army officers devoted to unseat the Egyptian monarchy and its British counterparts, leading to an enhancement of Arab nationalism. Furthermore it played a major role in founding the Palestinian Liberation Organisation in 1964 and angering the superpowers (Britain, France and America) by pursing a fiercely independent nationalistic policy. By attempting to unite Arab countries and establishing himself as the leader of the Arab world, Nasser created a more forceful and radical opposition to the Israeli Zionist movement. By contrast Efraim Karsh states that “The actual policies of the Arab states show they have been less motivated by concern for pan-Arabism, let alone for the protection of the Palestinians, than by their own interest”, however this doesn’t negate the fact that arab nationalism increased anyhow creating a more assertive and drastic adversary. Thus as a consequences of the 1948, the nature of conflict changed;involving foreign powers and a different type of warfare fuelled with increased arab nationalism.
It can be clearly seen that the 1948-9 war had huge consequences on both the Palestinian and Jewish people. However primarily, the Palestinians had a radical change of attitude due to the refugee crisis and and increase in arab nationalism , which resulted in a new form of warfare that impacted the Israeli’s

Should I mention the Suez War? Is there anything I should add that is appropriate for the Q?

Essay with comments
Spoiler
Assess the consequences of the war in 1948 for both Israel and the Palestinians in the period up to 1967

The 1948 war had huge unforeseen consequences on both the Israeli’s and Palestinian people. For the Jews, the most significant effect was the growth of Arab nationalism that created a more forceful adversary; however the influx of immigrants and the acquired territory were also important results. The Palestinian people had simultaneous highly significant outcomes of the war which overall created a changed of attitude. This last sentence is very vague; try to be specific when discussing your thesis (you don't want to FORESHADOW it, to be proven later, you want to STATE it in its entirety). Explain what the specific outcomes are, and what the change in attitude actually was A large amount of their population was displaced, How much? You need to use specific, accurate, relevant and detailed examples here! a new form of warfare was established and the Palestinian Liberation Organisation was initiated.

Good introduction, which clearly answers the question and brings a lot of nuance to your thesis. You need to be more specific about your points; in History, you don't want to be saying "I will prove an interesting point in this essay", you want to say "I will prove THIS SPECIFIC interesting point in this essay". The 'first half' of your intro is present, but you need to add a 'second half' of explanation/depth/detail

The UN p [P? Capitalise?]artition Resolution on 29 November 1947, Great stat partitioning the territory of Palestine into an Israel State and an Arab state had been the impetus for the War of Independence/ Catastrophe. Be careful when making definitive statements. Rather than THE impetus, perhaps a significant factor?  Further more with Plan D being implemented in April and May 1948 aiming to quell the increasing Arab violence against Jews, it involved  the destruction of Arab villages for the first time. Restructure this last sentence; read it outloud and see if it makes sense! Good detail though. With implications of ethnic cleansing, it further lead to increased hostility in both sides leading to the 1948 war.

Great points, but I think you could do with some 'linking' words to show that this is all one argument. 'A' primarily caused 'B'. Significantly, 'A' did this, which led to this, with in turn resulted in 'B'. etc.

There were many adverse consequences for both sides, particularly the Palestinians due to their loss in the War of Catastrophe. Can you be more specific here? How many died? Also, introduce the fact that there are two names for this war (depending on the side of the war one fought) from the start, or at least make it more clear  One consequence was the creation of the Israeli state and the simultaneous ceasing of Palestine to exist. For Israel however suffering high casualties , its territory expanded to include that the UN had originally allocated for the new Arab State, covering about 80 percent of the old Palestine. Restructure this sentence; needs to make more sense  Meanwhile the Arab states and Palestinians refused diplomatic recognition to Israel and would not acknowledge the Jewish right to exist. Schlaim states that “Israel emerged from the war economically exhausted but with superior organisation and morale, a tremendous sense of achievement, and a confident outlook on the future that formed a solid foundation for the development of parliamentary democracy”. Careful using such long historian's quotes. Try to cut it down to the main point, and then explain the thesis yourself. Contrastingly no Arab states emerged after 1949, Palestinian historians assert this was because Israel, supported by Western powers prevented it. 

So what is your conclusion? A bit too much (only a bit) is explaining what happened; there isn't QUITE enough analysis of your own here. Good use of historians, but try to link together ideas; OF COURSE the two sides will have differing opinions; is there any way to make an overall assessment? Probably not, but it's worth bringing up.

A highly significant consequence of the 1948-9 war to the Palestinians was the refugee crisis with about 700,000 Palestinians fleeing their homes in Israeli-controlled territory. Resolution 194 called for reparation of Palestinian Refugees, but Israel refused the return of thousands of Arabs to their homes. For many Jews, Careful here. Was it the Jews, or the Israelis? Just make sure your terminology is correct; their defining feature may not be their religion, but their nationality. this was justified on the account that Arabs had not accepted the UN partition, and thus shouldn't need to cater for their return. Many also simply claimed it was a hindrance to the new state. Who claimed this?  The bulk of the refugees ended up in the West Bank and Gaza strip and in neighbouring Arab countries especially Transjordan, Syria and Lebanon. Intellectual Palestinians went to the big cities Bit colloquial here; 'Larger cities, such as...' but the majority fellaheen? What is this? were unskilled and went to appalling UN camps in neighbouring Arab cities. Appalling how? How did you make that assessment? Those in camps had limited access to employment and were heavily reliant on charity, many became extremely ill due to poverty and poor living conditions. The camps were places of desperation, degradation and insecurity, and remain so until this very day. Arab hosts did little to integrate them into their places of refuge, as they believed it was Israel’s problem because they had created the issue. This situation resulted in the Arab states continuing refusal to negotiate directly with, or recognize Israel.

I need way more statistics here. Who made the claims? How many died? What were the conditions specifically like?

After the 1948-9 war there was a massive growth of Jewish immigrants in to Israel, which caused a large strain on its economy but also a strengthening of the Zionist cause. WHAT WAS THIS INCREASE? 40%? 100%? The outbreak of the war caused an increase in anti-Jewish violence in the countries of the Middle East and North Africa.  In Cairo and Berut synagogues were attacked and Jewish houses looted, however there is controversy among historians concerning whether Israeli agents planted bombs in Jewish synagogues in order to stimulate immigration to Israel. Which historians? Within weeks of the establishment of the Israeli state, a steady stream of immigrants began to arrive; within 5 years the population had doubled, from approximately 650,000 in 1948 to 1.4 million in 1951. Causing immense strains on Israels undeveloped economy with severe housing shortages. Although some Jews emigrated because of the influence of Zionism that proclaimed the law of return of the Jewish people , many came as a result of persecution by Arab and other countries.  The largest single influx of Jews came from Iraq , 123371 in total, with their property seized and being unable to take assets with them. The second largest group of immigrants were the 120 000 survivors of the Holocaust, many of whom had been held in British detention camps in Cyprus. Great use of statistics; keep doing this throughout the rest of your essay! The Jewish exodus was also influenced by the Zionist underground movement, which convinced many Jews that emigration offered the best solution to their problems. Thus due to the large influxes of Jews there were hard strains on the economy but ultimately strengthened the Zionist cause as a consequence of the 1948 war.

The growth of Arab nationalism and introduction of the Fedayeen was the most significant consequences for Israel, as they had to deal with a more assertive, drastic adversary. Good. Use words like 'most significant' when developing your thesis; it makes it clear that different factors have different weights. I need to feel this more strongly throughout the first part of your essay, though. Potentially, you might want to put your 'most significant' factor first; if not, you should ALLUDE to it throughout your previous discussion. ie. This factor is important, however other factors were far more significant etc. Fedayeen attacks across the border were a constant source of tension for the Israelis. These raids led to the murder of Israeli citizens and terrorist attacks and according to the U.N. Truce Supervision Organisation nearly 500 Arabs and over 120 Israeli’s were killed. Because Arab governments denied responsibility, these attacks severely increased tension; with Israel responding with major retaliatory raids across armistice lines. In 1954, Gamal Abdel Nasser became president of Egypt and for months Nasser had been unsuccessfully seeking weapons from USA to modernize his army. After the Gaza Raid in 1955 there was a new urgency, so Nasser turned to the communist bloc and purchased weapons from Czech in September 1955, officially sponsoring Fedayeen raids into Israel. Egypt’s growing ties with the Soviet Union aroused the anger of the Western powers and apprehensions in Israel about Nasser’s ultimate ambitions, with many in west believing Egypt was on the way to becoming a dominant regional power as they pursued a fiercely nationalistic policy. Nasser also led the Free Officers movement which composed of young junior army officers devoted to unseat the Egyptian monarchy and its British counterparts, leading to an enhancement of Arab nationalism. Furthermore it played a major role in founding the Palestinian Liberation Organisation in 1964 and angering the superpowers (Britain, France and America) by pursing a fiercely independent nationalistic policy. That was a lot reciting (great) facts; try to weave in some more analysis throughout By attempting to unite Arab countries and establishing himself as the leader of the Arab world, Nasser created a more forceful and radical opposition to the Israeli Zionist movement. By contrast Efraim Karsh states that “The actual policies of the Arab states show they have been less motivated by concern for pan-Arabism, let alone for the protection of the Palestinians, than by their own interest” Again, this quote is probably too long, however this doesn’t negate the fact that arab nationalism increased anyhow creating a more assertive and drastic adversary. Brilliant Thus as a consequences of the 1948, the nature of conflict changed;involving foreign powers and a different type of warfare fuelled with increased arab nationalism.
It can be clearly seen that the 1948-9 war had huge consequences on both the Palestinian and Jewish people. However primarily, the Palestinians had a radical change of attitude due to the refugee crisis and and increase in arab nationalism , which resulted in a new form of warfare that impacted the Israeli’s

Should I mention the Suez War? Is there anything I should add that is appropriate for the Q?

As for your last question, unfortunately I can't help you out there. Overall, this is a great essay that just needs some final tweaking. Bring down the word count of your quotes, and increase the number of specific, accurate, relevant and detailed examples that you use. Make your thesis slightly more prominent throughout; you shouldn't ever go even half a paragraph without bringing the argument back to the thesis. Still, great job; keep working on it!



Jake

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Studying a combined Advanced Science/Law degree at UNSW