Please mark my unfinished L.A essay!

[vanilla and sunflower]

Hi AN,
I would really appreciate it if you could have a look at my essay and provide constructive feedback for me
It's not finished yet but the SAC is on next week so any feedback is WELCOME
Have a lovely day!

Recently, the botched kidnapping case of two children in Lebanon by the 60 minutes crew has sparked much contentious debate, regarding the ethics of such action and speculation regarding decency in journalism. In response two opinion articles have emerged, one formally published under The Australian and another published as a public commentary in an amateur blog. An opinion piece, titled ‘My jailed colleagues are good people’ by Tracy Grimshaw emotionally contends that the harsh treatment received by the 60 minutes crew from both the Australian media and by the Lebanese authorities is an injustice to their good and benevolent character. In a sarcastic yet rebuking manner, Douglas Robertson from the blog, ‘Doug’s Blog’ contends also that while the reckless actions of the 60 minutes was due to dishonest journalism, they do not deserve extended jail sentence in the Lebanese jail. An accompanying cartoon illustration also supports the blogger’s contention. Both articles are likely to be targeted towards journalists, the Australian government and ordinary Australians interested in the upcoming fate of the four journalists. This issue is likely to emerge again as it concerns around Australia’s position and respect towards international laws and cultural codes of other nations, which are of interest towards a multi-cultural society.

Immediately, Grimshaw endeavours to convey the enduring hardship faced by journalists as they attempt to navigate through the sterile and sharp criticisms uniquely defined by their profession.  Employing a deeply unsettling phrase such as “harden the f..k up darling. This is not a game for wimps”, Grimshaw grimly portrays the lives of journalists as one requiring emotional labour and inanition. Specifically, the offensive term, “f..k up” engenders a sense of incredulity and outrage within the reader, having widely accepted that such provoking term is no longer acceptable in work place arrangements. Coupled with an endearing word, ‘darling’, Grimshaw underlines that such bitter and confronting reality of many journalists are often obscured from the public eye, eliciting a sense of empathy at their hushed plight. Having established such empathy towards this group, Grimshaw then shifts to criticise members of the public who had been much apathetic to the crew’s recent plight. By describing the public response as a ‘feeding frenzy’,  Grimshaw conjures up images of a host within the reader’s mind, immediately positioning the antagonists as being harmful and destructive to the mental being of the journalists. Alarm is instilled within the reader’s mind as the reader is angled to evaluate that this will cause further strain to the existing hardship faced by Australia’s current journalists. Similarly, Grimshaw further extends the negative characterisation of the antagonists by describing them as ‘malicious, ill-considered [and] rabidly self-serving’. Specifically the word ‘malicious’ underlines the antagonists as being evil-minded and antisocial individuals who are deserving of our spite and hatred, aiming to trigger the reader’s diplomatic regard on human morality and justice.  This is further extended through Grimshaw’s utilisation of the word ‘rabidly’ which immediately conjures up images of the diseased and sick, symbolically portraying the antagonists as being undesirable and damaging members to the health and vitality of the journalism sector. As a result, readers are discouraged from establishing extreme judgement towards the 60 minutes crew as Grimshaw dichotomises the antagonists as being unwanted, which readers may feel dissuaded from being depicted in such a manner.

Grimshaw nostalgically presents the imprisoned crews through the intimacy and affection in which she holds towards her four colleagues. Endearing terms such as “Benny the Bear”, “Tangles” and “Longrains” allow the reader to view the jailed crew as loved members of our community who are deserving of empathy and understanding, as the nicknames serve to underline the degree of affection reserved towards these individuals. Especially the nickname ‘Benny the Bear’ encourages the reader to sympathise with those imprisoned in a foreign Lebanese jail cell as Grimshaw associates one with a child-like spirit: innocent, pure yet prone to emotional fracture by the harsh, unforgiving and unfamiliar of a jail. Instilling a sense of parental responsibility, concern is evoked towards the imprisoned crew as readers are inclined to critically evaluate the foreign setting which may permanently traumatise the lives of four journalists, having established that they are no ‘commando’.  Then, Grimshaw further presents the idyllic lifestyles led by the crew before they were imprisoned in the Lebanese jail, following the botched kidnapping attempt of two children. Picturesque imagery of “two gorgeous little boys” and “loved...splendid wife” highlight that .........

In contrast to Grimshaw...Robertson...

[vanilla and sunflower]

Picturesque imagery of “two gorgeous little boys” and “loved...splendid wife” imbues of the writer’s nostalgia for the days before the imprisonment of the 60 minutes crew, urging the readers to help assist these individuals to return to the idyllic lifestyles they led. Specifically the intimate adjectives such as “gorgeous”, “loved” and “splendid” give indication to the idea that the quality of the journalists’ lives, and their natural disposition will significantly be more compatible if they were to resume their every-day routine with their families. This is because throughout the piece, Grimshaw depicts the imprisoned crew as “big, boofy smiling” and “girl” which while highlighting their innocence and purity through the imagery of a child, also aim to underline the streak of vulnerability that these individuals carry by retaining their child-like spirit. Thus, by associating the imprisoned crew with childlike qualities, Grimshaw attempts to underline that the 60 minutes crew deserve to remain under the guidance of their loved ones and specifically with their families. Readers are thus likely to evaluate that the wellbeing of the journalists far outweighs the actions they may have conducted abroad, and thus likely to support that they do not deserve extended jail sentence in a foreign country.
 
Although Grimshaw polemically urges her readers to recognise that the imprisoned crew is undeserving of extended jail sentence in a Lebanese jail, Robertson in comparison adopts an informal and moralising tone towards 60 minutes. Like Grimshaw however, Robertson also highlights that the crew does not need to be jailed for their actions, despite acquiescing to the belief that their actions were poor and irresponsible.

Immediately, Robertson aims to highlight that the imprisoned crew’s conduct in the Lebanese jail is evidence to their outwardly reckless and irresponsible nature, instilling a sense of shame and guilt towards 60 minutes. Robertson’s use of colloquial language such as “gosh” and “sorry saga” highlights towards the reader that the event disgraceful and embarrassing to the wider Australian community. Specifically the word, “gosh” underline Robertson’s frustration and dismay towards the 60 minutes’ conduct as the word embodies a sense of surprise and incredulity. Critically positioning the 60 minutes as deserving of no empathy for their actions, the writer’s alliteration of “sorry saga” propels the reader to question the true victim of this event as the word “sorry” underlines that the event has caused the annoyance and frustration of some other body other than the imprisoned crews. Recognising the writer’s frustration, Readers are thus inclined to recognise that it must be the wider members of the public who are burdened with a national shame that comes with acknowledging the recklessness of 60 minutes actions in Lebanon. As a result, the reader is likely to critically evaluate and moralise the actions of 60 minutes, assisting others to take preventive measures when travelling abroad in the future. This mirrors the accompanying cartoon illustration which captures the 60 minutes clock rebuking the actions of the imprisoned crew which symbolically represents criticising oneself. Thus the cartoonist essentially attempts to highlight that the 60 minutes must critically self-reflect on their actions in order to prevent future actions that breach the codes of international conduct, inducing an onus of moral responsibility towards the nine news network and other members of the tabloid television show. The caption which reads, “If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime” also functions as a foreboding reminder to the reader of their actions and the possible train of consequences which may follow. This is achieved through the physical proximity of the action, the “crime” and the consequence, “time” within the sentence which symbolically highlights the high probability that one must face the consequence, lest they committed a wrongdoing. The cartoon thus also aims to educate the reader to the consequences of their actions in light of the recent event. Essentially, both the cartoonist and Robertson urges the readers and the nine networks to recognise the individual responsibility and obligation in breaking the law, in hope that the reputation of 60 minutes may be renewed in the near future. 

This is finished. Thank you
 

[oooo]

Hello! I've just marked the introduction because I'm doing English under the new study design and what we're analysing is a bit different so I have no idea how to mark your body paragraphs. Also, please keep in mind that I'm not the greatest at English so some of the things I say could be wrong.

Spoiler

Recently, the botched kidnapping case not needed of two children in Lebanon by the 60 minutes crew has sparked much contentious debate all debates are contentious, combine this with your next statement to make it more specific, regarding the ethics of such action and speculation regarding decency in journalism sentence could be more succinct. In response two opinion articles have emerged, one formally published under The Australian and another published as a public commentary in an amateur blog what amateur blog?. An opinion piece, titled ‘My jailed colleagues are good people’ by Tracy Grimshaw emotionally what emotions? contends that the harsh treatment received by the 60 minutes crew from both the Australian media and by the not needed Lebanese authorities is an injustice to their good and benevolent character. In a sarcastic yet rebuking manner, Douglas Robertson from the blog, ‘Doug’s Blog’ contends also doesn't make sense that while the reckless actions of the 60 minutes was due to dishonest journalism, they do not deserve extended jail sentence in the Lebanese jail expression needs fixing. An accompanying cartoon illustration also supports the blogger’s contention. Too general, explain the image, what is it? Also, all accompanying images will support the author's contention. Instead talk about what kind of 'opinion' the image is giving on this issue Both articles are likely passive voice = no go zone!! to be targeted towards journalists, the Australian government and ordinary Australians interested in the upcoming fate of the four journalists. Your flow somewhat gets lost here, don't just plonk sentences in because you have to, make them flow This issue is likely to emerge again as it concerns around Australia’s position and respect towards international laws and cultural codes of other nations, which are of interest towards a multi-cultural society. not sure if this sentence is needed or not (check with someone else!) because it doesn't really add anything to the analysis and it's your opinion (a big no no in language analysis!!)

[literally lauren]

Recently, the botched kidnapping case of two children in Lebanon by the 60 minutes crew has sparked much contentious debate, regarding the ethics of such action and speculation regarding decency in journalism try to minimise these background info. sentences. It's fine to kick off your analysis by talking about what sparked this discussion, but you don't want to harp on about the different facets of the debate for too long; just get to the contentions ASAP so you can then get to the analysis in the body paragraphs ASAP. In response two opinion articles have emerged, sounds a bit odd to say they 'emerged.' 'were written' would be a more accurate verb, and it'd be quicker to just get into their contentions rather than point out the fact that these two pieces were written in the first place one formally published under The Australian and another published as a public commentary in an amateur blog. An opinion piece, titled ‘My jailed colleagues are good people’ by Tracy Grimshaw emotionally contends that the harsh treatment received by the 60 minutes crew from both the Australian media and by the Lebanese authorities is an injustice to their good and benevolent character. In a sarcastic yet rebuking manner, Douglas Robertson from the blog, ‘Doug’s Blog’ contends also that while the reckless actions of the 60 minutes was careful with plurality; 'the reckless actions was' due to dishonest journalism, they do not deserve extended jail sentence in the Lebanese jail. An accompanying cartoon illustration also supports the blogger’s contention. Both articles are likely to be targeted towards journalists, the Australian government and ordinary Australians interested in the upcoming fate of the four journalists. Unless your teacher requires you to point this out, there's no need to over-specify the audience. Certainly don't need to do this in the exam - you'll be given the audience if relevant. This issue is likely to emerge again as it concerns around Australia’s position and respect towards international laws and cultural codes of other nations, which are of interest towards a multi-cultural society. also not necessary

Immediately, Grimshaw endeavours to convey the enduring hardship faced by journalists as they attempt to navigate through the sterile and sharp criticisms uniquely defined by their profession I like the first part of this T.S. but the second is lost on me - what do you mean by 'sterile criticisms defined by their profession?' .  Employing a deeply unsettling word choice - this is meant to be more startling than 'unsettling' phrase such as “harden the f..k up darling. This is not a game for wimps”, Grimshaw grimly portrays the lives of journalists as one again, watch out for plurality: 'the lives as one' requiring emotional labour and inanition dont think this is the word you're going for. 'Inanition' means being exhausted or drained, it's not something a job can demand. Specifically, the offensive term, “f..k up” engenders a sense of incredulity and outrage within the reader, having widely accepted that such provoking term is no longer acceptable in work place arrangements relevance? What's the author trying to accomplish here? And what 'work place arrangements' are you talking about? Coupled with an endearing word, ‘darling’, Grimshaw underlines that such bitter and confronting reality of many journalists are often obscured from the public eye where are you getting this idea from? eliciting a sense of empathy at their hushed plight. Having established such empathy towards this group, Grimshaw then shifts to criticise members of the public who had been much apathetic to the crew’s recent plight. By describing the public response as a ‘feeding frenzy’,  Grimshaw conjures up images of a host within the reader’s mind, immediately positioning the antagonists as being harmful and destructive to the mental being of the journalists again, explain where you got this impression. You may be right, but you need to show me that you're right. Alarm is instilled within the reader’s mind as the reader is angled to evaluate that phrasing is quite clunky. Try to use more 'The author verbs...' -style sentences to keep things simple this will cause further strain to the existing hardship faced by Australia’s current journalists is this something that's evident in the actual article, or is it your own assertion?. Similarly, Grimshaw further extends the negative characterisation of the antagonists who are the antagonists, exactly? by describing them as ‘malicious, ill-considered [and] rabidly self-serving’. Specifically the word ‘malicious’ underlines the antagonists as being evil-minded and antisocial individuals who are deserving of our spite and hatred, aiming to trigger the reader’s diplomatic regard on human morality and justice love that you're delving into the connotations of 'malicious' - very good word to choose - but these conclusions seem a little shaky; to say they're deserving of spite/hatred is a little extreme, and I'm not sure what you're trying to say in relation to morality and justice; this second part could be made clearer. This is further extended through Grimshaw’s utilisation of the word ‘rabidly’ which immediately conjures up images of the diseased and sick, symbolically portraying the antagonists as being undesirable and damaging members to the health and vitality of the journalism sector good! As a result, readers are discouraged from establishing extreme judgement towards the 60 minutes crew as Grimshaw dichotomises word check. If she's 'dichotomising the antagonists,' that would mean she's splitting them into two groups the antagonists as being unwanted, which readers may feel dissuaded from being depicted in such a manner.

Grimshaw nostalgically presents the imprisoned crews through the intimacy and affection in which she holds towards she presents them through intimacy in which she holds towards them? Try and simplify your expression here her four colleagues. Endearing terms such as “Benny the Bear”, “Tangles” and “Longrains” allow the reader to view the jailed crew as loved members of our community who are deserving of empathy and understanding, as the nicknames serve to underline the degree of affection reserved towards these individuals. Especially In particular, the nickname ‘Benny the Bear’ encourages the reader to sympathise with those imprisoned in a foreign Lebanese jail cell as Grimshaw associates one with a child-like spirit: innocent, pure yet prone to emotional fracture by the harsh, unforgiving and unfamiliar of a jail don't get too far away from the language/contention. Instilling a sense of parental ?? responsibility, concern is evoked towards the imprisoned crew as readers are inclined to critically evaluate the foreign setting which may permanently traumatise the lives of four journalists, having established that they are no ‘commando’ what's the function of this quote, and how does this evoke concern?.  Then, Grimshaw further presents the idyllic lifestyles led by the crew before they were imprisoned in the Lebanese jail, following the botched kidnapping attempt of two children no need to keep revisiting the context if you've already gone over it in the intro. Picturesque imagery of “two gorgeous little boys” and “loved...splendid wife” imbues word check; this should be 'the imagery is imbued with the writer's nostalgia' or 'the imagery is indicative of the writer's nostalgia' of the writer’s nostalgia for the days before the imprisonment of the 60 minutes crew, urging the readers to help assist these individuals to return to the idyllic lifestyles they led. Specifically the intimate adjectives such as “gorgeous”, “loved” and “splendid” give indication to the idea that expression the quality of the journalists’ lives, and their natural disposition will significantly be more compatible if they were to resume their every-day routine with their families no need to state this. This is because throughout the piece, Grimshaw depicts the imprisoned crew as “big, boofy smiling” and “girl” which try to integrate quotes; this doens't really fit the sentence while highlighting their innocence and purity through the imagery of a child, also aim to underline plurality the streak of vulnerability that these individuals carry by retaining their child-like spirit. Thus, by associating the imprisoned crew with childlike qualities, Grimshaw attempts to underline repetition that the 60 minutes crew deserve to remain under the guidance of their loved ones where has the idea of 'guidance' come from? and specifically with their families. Readers are thus likely to evaluate avoid this word. Try and concentrate on what the author is attempting to communicate rather than what readers might be likely to think/conclude that the wellbeing of the journalists far outweighs the actions they may have conducted abroad, and thus likely to support that expression they do not deserve extended jail sentence in a foreign country.

Although Grimshaw polemically urges her readers to recognise that the imprisoned crew is undeserving of extended jail sentence in a Lebanese jail, Robertson in comparison adopts an informal and moralising tone towards 60 minutes. Like Grimshaw however, Robertson also highlights that the crew does not need to be jailed for their actions, despite acquiescing to the belief that their actions were poor and irresponsible is there a reason this paragraph is so short? If possible, instead of talking about each article one at a time and then having this out-of-place transition paragraph in the middle, split up your analysis so that you can make connections between the texts as you go (i.e. in each (or at least a majority) of your paragraphs, say something about both Grimshaw and Robertson's pieces)

Immediately, Robertson aims to highlight that the imprisoned crew’s conduct in the Lebanese jail is evidence to their outwardly reckless and irresponsible nature, instilling a sense of shame and guilt towards 60 minutes expression. You can't really instil guilt towards something. {{{Robertson’s use of colloquial language such as “gosh” and “sorry saga” highlights towards the reader that the event was disgraceful and embarrassing to the wider Australian community. Specifically the word, “gosh” underlines Robertson’s frustration and dismay towards the 60 minutes’ conduct as the word embodies a sense of surprise and incredulity. Critically positioning the 60 minutes as deserving of no empathy for their actions, the writer’s alliteration of “sorry saga” propels the reader to question the true victim of this event as the word “sorry” underlines that the event has caused the annoyance and frustration of some other body other than the imprisoned crews. Recognising the writer’s frustration, readers are thus inclined to recognise that it must be the wider members of the public who are burdened with a national shame that comes with acknowledging the recklessness of 60 minutes actions in Lebanon. As a result, the reader is likely to critically evaluate and moralise the actions of 60 minutes, assisting others to take preventive measures when travelling abroad in the future not sure this is the author's intention.}} <-- this whole section is just analysing three words; try and make your analysis more concise so you can cover more of the material This mirrors the accompanying cartoon illustration which captures the 60 minutes clock rebuking the actions of the imprisoned crew which symbolically represents criticising oneself how so?. Thus the cartoonist essentially attempts to highlight that the 60 minutes must critically self-reflect on their actions in order to prevent future actions that breach the codes of international conduct, inducing an onus of moral responsibility towards the nine news network and other members of the tabloid television show great discussion of the effect, but you need more of a foundation in your visual analysis to justify this. The caption which reads, “If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime” also functions as a foreboding reminder to the reader of their actions and the possible train of consequences which may follow. This is achieved through the physical proximity of the action, the “crime” and the consequence, “time” within the sentence which symbolically highlights the high probability that one must face the consequence, lest they committed a wrongdoing. The cartoon thus also aims to educate the reader to the consequences of their actions in light of the recent event bit too general. Focus on persuasion rather than how something might be designed to inform or educate people. Essentially, both the cartoonist and Robertson urges the readers and the nine networks to recognise the individual responsibility and obligation in breaking the law, in the hopes that the reputation of 60 minutes may be renewed in the near future. 

Some notes:
- Try and have a conclusion - it's not hugely detrimental if you don't, but could be a problem with some assessors, and you don't want to give them the chance to deduct marks
- Need to cover more of the material, esp. the second piece
- In some instances, you're dwelling on certain words/ points of analysis for too long, but in other cases, you're too brief in your description of the function of certain parts of the articles. Being more concise and centring your attention on how the author is attempting to persuade readers should help here
- Avoid talking about the effects of language for too long; that seems to be where you get off track
- Expression issues, esp. verb usage.

Other than that, keep up the good work!

[oooo]

Some notes:
- Try and have a conclusion - it's not hugely detrimental if you don't, but could be a problem with some assessors, and you don't want to give them the chance to deduct marks
- Need to cover more of the material, esp. the second piece
- In some instances, you're dwelling on certain words/ points of analysis for too long, but in other cases, you're too brief in your description of the function of certain parts of the articles. Being more concise and centring your attention on how the author is attempting to persuade readers should help here
- Avoid talking about the effects of language for too long; that seems to be where you get off track
- Expression issues, esp. verb usage.

Other than that, keep up the good work!

Hey Lauren! I was just reading the feedback (hehe) and I have a question: do you have to mention the audience in the introduction? I'm doing English under the new study design (is the audience even relevant in the new study design? I've heard around that the new L.A is more about the author's intent rather than the effect on the audience) and I've always been taught to mention the audience, even if it isn't given. Also on that note, do I mention tone in the introduction? Some teachers say mention 1 or 2 general tones, while others say not to mention tone at all because it changes overtime. I'm so confused, pls help Lauren

[literally lauren]

Hey Lauren! I was just reading the feedback (hehe) and I have a question: do you have to mention the audience in the introduction? I'm doing English under the new study design (is the audience even relevant in the new study design? I've heard around that the new L.A is more about the author's intent rather than the effect on the audience) and I've always been taught to mention the audience, even if it isn't given. Also on that note, do I mention tone in the introduction? Some teachers say mention 1 or 2 general tones, while others say not to mention tone at all because it changes overtime. I'm so confused, pls help Lauren

All I know about the new SD comes from having read the thing (which I wouldn't recommend as it's mostly VCAA jargon) and snippets from the grapevine of teachers, so I'm not 100% sure yet. My default response would be to still mention the audience though. The focus of L.A. is still going to be on how the author seeks to persuade the audience, so they'll still play a key part in your discussion. Re: tone, if there are one or two predominant tones, then you can mention them in the intro (but be sure to actually analyse them in your body paragraphs if you want to earn marks for it.) But if the tone shifts really radically, or it's not all that important, then leave it out.

Tbh it's entirely possible that the new 'version' of L.A. is only superficially different from the old one and was a bit of an excuse for the assessors to force students away from 'Here is a technique. This is the effect of this technique. Okay, on to the next technique.' In which case, most of the advice re: the current SD will still be relevant. I'm kind of hoping that's the case, but if you hear otherwise from your teacher, let me know and I'll try and clarify Unfortunately we're all a bit up in the air on this one until VCAA actually publish more info.