My essay doesn't sound like a text response???

[janet.maylin]

Hi guys,
I've sent a few paragraphs to my English teacher and she keeps saying my essay doesn't sound like a text response... Apparently it doesn't sound too 'formal'.  I'm still unsure on how it doesn't so if anyone can offer me any advice on how to make it more appropriate for a text response I would very much appreciate it. Thank you

How does the film-maker encourage us to sympathise with Margo Channing in spite of her flaws?

INTRO: Set on the platform of the theatrical stage, Joseph Mankiewicz, through his classic black-and-white film, All About Eve, depicts Margo Channing in her most vulnerable, fragile and insecure states designed to elicit sympathy from the audience. While the fragile depiction of Margo unearths Margo’s delicate small frame, Margo’s ignorance of her vulnerability not only draws sympathy but pity. Ignored by her friends, Margo’s desperate pleas to be heard is stifled against Eve’s foreboding theme music.

BODY PARA 1: Through contrast of size, Joseph Mankiewicz highlights the fragility of Margo Channing as she is suppressed by the ruthlessness needed to survive in the theatrical world. The portrait of Margo Channing yielding a gun is one that maintains a youthful appearance, not reflecting the defined etched on Margo’s face. The desire of the audience to see young performance Margo rather than old true Margo is palpable as a raucous applause resonates through the theatre. Magnified in size, the portrait of Margo preceding the doors of the theatre threatens to smother her Margo’s smaller frame as she is weighed down by the expectations imposed on her as an actress. As the lines between true Margo and actress Margo become increasingly blurred, Margo’s sense of self-identity deteriorates throughout the film, heightening the fragility of her state. Set in Margo’s bedroom, Eve Harrington becomes an invasive presence through Margo’s domestic life, indicated through her towering figure. Positioned below Eve, Margo is depicted as small and cowering, trapped in the prison of her breakfast tray. Eve’s physical dominance over Margo, as Margo has nowhere to escape, accentuates Margo’s delicate situation as Eve attempts to emulate her, but to become her. Eve is a character dangerous to contain, like the ‘fire’ with which fuels Eve’s performance. Hence the ‘handle with care’ sign as Eve bows in front of the mirror in Margo’s costume, warns Margo of the caution that Margo must apply with Eve. However, the close-up shot of Margo Channing’s face beside the ‘handle with care’ caption, without Eve in the frame, insinuates a dual meaning: That Margo, herself, is a fragile individual at risk of having her domestic and theatrical life run through with Eve’s fire. The embodiment of a typical victim from the theatrical world, Margo inspires sympathy amongst the viewers as Margo is suffocated by the expectations that arise from her stardom. Margo’s failure to obtain an acting role is frightening, as it showcases the ease with which glamour and fame can slip through the cracks.

[literally lauren]

Hi guys,
I've sent a few paragraphs to my English teacher and she keeps saying my essay doesn't sound like a text response... Apparently it doesn't sound too 'formal'.  I'm still unsure on how it doesn't so if anyone can offer me any advice on how to make it more appropriate for a text response I would very much appreciate it. Thank you

Ah yes, the infamous 'eeeehhhh, your essay doesn't sound right' complaint - gotta love it when teachers are this vague. I'm not sure I get what your teacher is trying to say, but I'll try and break down your piece so you'e got a better idea of what to work on

How does the film-maker encourage us to sympathise with Margo Channing in spite of her flaws?

INTRO: Set on the platform of the theatrical stage, Joseph Mankiewicz, through his classic black-and-white film, All About Eve, depicts Margo Channing in her most vulnerable, fragile and insecure states designed to elicit sympathy from the audience. okay, there are a lot of less-than-necessary words in this sentence, but it boils down to 'AAE depicts Margo Channing in her vulnerable states designed to elicit sympathy' <-- notice how that sounds ungrammatical. It kind of falls apart when you get to 'depicts,' so try to reword this. You want your opening sentence to be as clear as possible. While the fragile depiction of Margo unearths Margo’s delicate small frame bit too specific here; keep your intro very general, Margo’s careful with repetition here - use pronouns like 'she'/'her' to avoid this ignorance of her vulnerability not only draws sympathy but pity. Ignored by her friends, Margo’s desperate pleas to be heard is stifled against by Eve’s foreboding theme music. <-- not sure what point you're making here - the idea of 'foreboding theme music' is a bit too oddly specific for an introduction. Remember, you're not trying to bring up specific evidence here; you're just outlining your ideas and your argument. So what argument are you making here - it sounds like you're saying we do sympathise with Margo... and other characters don't sympathise with her because Eve is such a dominant character? But the prompt is asking you to discuss how we sympathise with Margo in spite of her flaws; there's nothing about her flaws in this intro

BODY PARA 1: Through contrast of size generally you want your topic sentences to be fairly general too; outlining a very specific structural component in the first few words - even though this is a 'How...' question - is a bit risky., Joseph Mankiewicz highlights the fragility of Margo Channing as she is suppressed word choice by the ruthlessness needed to survive in the theatrical world. The portrait of Margo Channing what portrait? Where/when does this occur in the film? You need to contextualise this example a bit more yielding wielding a gun is one that maintains a youthful appearance, not reflecting the defined etched ?? on Margo’s face. The desire of the audience to see young performance Margo rather than old true Margo <-- this distinction is also a bit unclear; what characteristics does 'young Margo' possess that 'old Margo' doesn't? And why is 'old' Margo = 'true' Margo? is palpable as a raucous applause resonates through the theatre. Magnified in size, the portrait of Margo preceding word check the doors of the theatre threatens to smother her Margo’s smaller frame as represent how she is weighed down by the expectations imposed on her as an actress okay, but how is this a flaw of hers? What is it about Margo's character that we find sympathetic here - you can't just describe her situation. As the lines between true Margo and actress Margo as opposed to 'young Margo and old Margo?' You need to spell out what you mean here, don't assume I/your assessor know what you're talking about! become increasingly blurred, Margo’s sense of self-identity deteriorates throughout the film how do you know? What visual features or quotes make you think this. You're right, but you need to show me you're right through evidence and analysis, heightening the fragility you're using this word quite a bit, but I'm still not sure what you mean. Physical fragility? Emotional/psychological fragility? of her state. Set in Margo’s bedroom, Eve Harrington no need to use her surname if you've already introduced her in your intro becomes an invasive presence through in Margo’s domestic life, indicated through by her towering figure how do you know her figure is towering? I know that might seem like a dumb question, but more detail would really help here. Is this to do with camera angles? Lighting? Body language? What's happening in the film to make you think these things? Positioned below Eve, Margo is depicted as small and cowering, trapped in the prison of her breakfast tray <-- this is much better. Eve’s physical dominance over Margo, as Margo has nowhere to escape, accentuates Margo’s delicate situation as Eve attempts not to emulate her, but to become her this last part isn't really relevant, though. Remember, our focus is on how MARGO IS SYMPATHETIC, BUT FLAWED. The fact that Eve seeks to emulate and/or become Margo doesn't really feed into this. Eve is a character dangerous to contain, like the ‘fire’ with which fuels Eve’s performance. Hence the ‘handle with care’ sign as Eve bows in front of the mirror in Margo’s costume, warns Margo of the caution that Margo must apply with Eve. However, the close-up shot of Margo Channing’s face beside the ‘handle with care’ caption, without Eve in the frame, insinuates a dual meaning what's the dual meaning? You never explain this?: That Margo, herself, is a fragile individual at risk of having her domestic and theatrical life run through with Eve’s fire. This is more about Eve than Margo, and while you are allowed to talk about other characters, you'd need to take it back to your contention eventually. The embodiment of a typical victim from the theatrical world so how is this a FLAW IN HER CHARACTER? You can make this work, but you have to make it relevant!, Margo inspires sympathy amongst the viewers as Margo she is suffocated by the expectations that arise from her stardom. Margo’s failure to obtain an acting role is frightening, as it showcases the ease with which glamour and fame can slip through the cracks <--what does this have to do with the rest of the paragraph?

Okay, I don't know why your teacher is picking you up on your 'formality,' because that doesn't seem to be an issue here. However, my biggest concern is that the content in your body paragraph isn't targeting the prompt very directly. Any sentence that's not helping you say something about how Margo is a) sympathetic or b) flawed (or both) shouldn't be here!

There are also a few moments where you make reference to Margo as 'old Margo,' 'young Margo,' 'true Margo,' 'actress Margo,' etc. (which might be what your teacher considers informal?) - the problem with this is that the assessor won't be able to follow your train of thought unless you spell it out for them. But so long as you're able to explore this evidence and take your reader through its significance, you should be fine.

What I'd recommend is to write the last sentence of your body paragraph first! Have a goal for your paragraph like:
'Therefore, Mankiewicz's depiction of Margo as a meek and vulnerable figure elicits sympathy from the audience, and suggests that...'

That way, you can work backwards and construct your paragraph in a way that'll help you get to that goal.

Hopefully that helps; let me know if you have any questions

[Maz]

Hey,
Looks like Lauren beat me to it (by 13 seconds haha), but since I already started, you can have a look at mine too if you want
Hopefully, I can help a bit...
Firtly I think your into is a little too short (sorry if that's because you are still working on it). Maybe expand and introduce Margo Channing as a character first. like talk about who she is and just some general background information.

How does the film-maker encourage us to sympathise with Margo Channing in spite of her flaws?

INTRO: Set on the platform of the theatrical stage, Joseph Mankiewicz, through his classic black-and-white film, All About Eve, I don't know if this is a necessaity in your school, but my teacher deducts marks if we don't underline the title depicts Margo Channing in her most vulnerable, fragile and insecure states designed to elicit sympathy from the audience. This opening sentence is good, however in the sentences proceeding, expand on it a little more. You need to tell the reader who Margo is, especially if you want the reader to feel her vulnerability and subsequently feel sympathy for her. While the fragile depiction of Margo unearths Margo’s use 'her' instead. the sentence starts to sound clunky if you repeat words unnecessarily delicate small frame, Margo’s ignorance of her vulnerability not only draws sympathy but pity. I think you again need to expand further here. How does her delicate frame relate to her vulnerabilityIgnored by her friends, Margo’s desperate pleas to be heard is stifled against Eve’s foreboding theme music. This is another abrupt change. Try and flow  into this idea.
What if you wrote the last sentence a little like this: Throughout the drama, Margo is depicted as fragile and 'with a delicate frame' (try and find a quote from the play that tells about her delicate frame and integrate it into the sentence), which Joseph Mankiewicz draws upon to elicit feelings of sympathy and pity towards her from the audience. Then for the last sentence, think of a why you could work to convey her vulnerability to draw sympathy, and link that feeling of sympathy to her friends...like saying 'Feelings of sympathy towards Margo are further instilled through the relationship of Margo with her friends as her desperate pleas to be heard are stifled, against Eve's foreboding theme music However, even introducing the music still sounds a little abrupt. if you really want/need to introduce it you really need to ease it into the paragraph, it kind of comes a little out of nowhere

I hope this helps

[janet.maylin]

Ah yes, the infamous 'eeeehhhh, your essay doesn't sound right' complaint - gotta love it when teachers are this vague. I'm not sure I get what your teacher is trying to say, but I'll try and break down your piece so you'e got a better idea of what to work on

Okay, I don't know why your teacher is picking you up on your 'formality,' because that doesn't seem to be an issue here. However, my biggest concern is that the content in your body paragraph isn't targeting the prompt very directly. Any sentence that's not helping you say something about how Margo is a) sympathetic or b) flawed (or both) shouldn't be here!

There are also a few moments where you make reference to Margo as 'old Margo,' 'young Margo,' 'true Margo,' 'actress Margo,' etc. (which might be what your teacher considers informal?) - the problem with this is that the assessor won't be able to follow your train of thought unless you spell it out for them. But so long as you're able to explore this evidence and take your reader through its significance, you should be fine.

What I'd recommend is to write the last sentence of your body paragraph first! Have a goal for your paragraph like:
'Therefore, Mankiewicz's depiction of Margo as a meek and vulnerable figure elicits sympathy from the audience, and suggests that...'

That way, you can work backwards and construct your paragraph in a way that'll help you get to that goal.

Hopefully that helps; let me know if you have any questions

Hi literally lauren,
Thank you so much for your advice!! I'll definitely work on organising my ideas more clearly!!  

[janet.maylin]

Hey,
Looks like Lauren beat me to it (by 13 seconds haha), but since I already started, you can have a look at mine too if you want
Hopefully, I can help a bit...
Firtly I think your into is a little too short (sorry if that's because you are still working on it). Maybe expand and introduce Margo Channing as a character first. like talk about who she is and just some general background information. I hope this helps

Hey m123,
Thanks for your advice!! I'll try expanding on my introduction more