Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread

[nancy_cc]

Unfortunately I didn't study People and Landscapes, so my suggestions are limited, but you'd only need a sentence explaining WHY you are using those terms. They sort of appear out of nowhere. Perhaps discuss how the progression of mankind makes most relationships with nature 'remembered landscape relationships?' Not 100% sure

Oh okay that still helps! Thank you!

[studybuddy7777]

Hi, this is my module C introduction any feedback would be greatly appreciated about whether it makes sense or suggestions anything to include/change. (I always struggle with this module!)

The connection of humanity with the natural world is inevitable, thus the ramifications of this relationship can be mutually beneficial or ensue destructive habits. Whilst humans can display inherent desire to ensure nature's sacred presence in their lives, human progression has deemed mankind's interactions with environments to be destructive. This contrasting behaviour toward real, remembered and imagined landscapes are examined skillfully within Judith Wright's poems, 'Train Journey," "Brothers and Sisters" and "Flame Tree In A Quarry," and David Scharf's short film, "The Forrest' (2008). The aforementioned texts reveal natures ability to renew itself and prevail in harsh conditions, enabling responders to realise humans strong dependence on their landscapes.

Hey nancy!

As a HSC student doing People and Landscapes (doing non fiction, not poetry but still) I think this is awesome!
I love that final sentence in particular. That is the nuts and bolts of Module C and you have it expertly nailed it down to a T.
I also am a big fan of how you have contrasted the destructive power of humanity vs te restorative power of nature. This is a really nice connection you have made to the module.

Keep it up, this is awesome!! Best of luck for tomorrow and friday, and with theses (thesises?) like these who needs anemones I'm sure youll completely ace the exams.

[nancy_cc]

Hey nancy!

As a HSC student doing People and Landscapes (doing non fiction, not poetry but still) I think this is awesome!
I love that final sentence in particular. That is the nuts and bolts of Module C and you have it expertly nailed it down to a T.
I also am a big fan of how you have contrasted the destructive power of humanity vs te restorative power of nature. This is a really nice connection you have made to the module.

Keep it up, this is awesome!! Best of luck for tomorrow and friday, and with theses (thesises?) like these who needs anemones I'm sure youll completely ace the exams.

Hey, thank you for that feedback I really appreciate it! Goodluck with your english exams also (and all your other exams), hope you smash it!

[studybuddy7777]

Hey, thank you for that feedback I really appreciate it! Goodluck with your english exams also (and all your other exams), hope you smash it!

Thats completely okay and thanks for that

Be sure to send me a pm if there is anything I have said you are unsure of or if you just need someone to talk to/shoulder to cry on 

Haha but seriously, good luck for all your exams and thanks

[Hua Fei]

Hi there!

I was wondering, does my thesis in my intro/conclusion below work? And does it make sense?  And how could I mould the question into it? 

Being confronted by others around us and challenged by our actions, makes us reflect on our past, allowing us to reconsider our prior knowledge and changing our actions, thoughts and perceptions of our previously held beliefs and assumptions, as evident in Shakespeare’s 1611 play The Tempest. On the other hand, Plath’s 1965 poem Ariel shows that being confronted by the impermanence of human life makes us reflect on our life and the reasons for why we want to live. In this way, confronting discoveries broadens and deepens our understanding of ourselves and the world around us, stimulating change and progress.

Thank you in advance!

[BPunjabi]

Hi there!

I was wondering, does my thesis in my intro/conclusion below work? And does it make sense?  And how could I mould the question into it? 

Being confronted by others around us and challenged by our actions, makes us reflect on our past, allowing us to reconsider our prior knowledge and changing our actions, thoughts and perceptions of our previously held beliefs and assumptions, as evident in Shakespeare’s 1611 play The Tempest. On the other hand, Plath’s 1965 poem Ariel shows that being confronted by the impermanence of human life makes us reflect on our life and the reasons for why we want to live. In this way, confronting discoveries broadens and deepens our understanding of ourselves and the world around us, stimulating change and progress.

Thank you in advance!

Bro its heaps good but isnt the first sentence a tad long?

[elysepopplewell]

Hi there!

I was wondering, does my thesis in my intro/conclusion below work? And does it make sense?  And how could I mould the question into it? 



Thank you in advance!

Hey!

Being confronted by others around us and challenged by our actions, makes us reflect on our past, Full stop - new sentence. allowing us to reconsider our prior knowledge and changing our actions, thoughts and perceptions of our previously held beliefs and assumptions, as evident in Shakespeare’s 1611 play The Tempest. On the other hand, Quite colloquial, try: alternatively,Plath’s 1965 poem Ariel shows that being confronted by the impermanence of human life makes us reflect on our life and the reasons for why we want to live. In this way, confronting discoveries broadens and deepens our understanding of ourselves and the world around us, stimulating change and progress.

There needs to be a mention of discovery explicitly in your initial sentence (unless you're going to slide the essay question in there). Make sure that both of your texts are linked to some idea about discovery in your introduction.

So:
Introductory sentence: concept statement (or two)
Introduce text one: What does it explore in discovery?
Introduce text two: What does it explore in discovery?
Last sentence: reiterate ideas about discovery.

At the moment, your introduction is text based, when it should be concept based, and text supported

[Peunda]

Currently have an essay due soon, tell me what you think

Spoiler

Q. The process of discovery involves a willingness to abandon established ways of thinking in order to embrace new outlooks
One may say that through the relinquishment of societal norms it can result in the most profound revelations that can be both unforeseen and wonderful, generating a heightened level of awareness with an increased judgement on their outlook of life. However, opposing views challenge that planned discoveries may likewise prompt the stimulation of new ideas and understandings. Robert Frost’s (1920) ‘Fire and Ice’ poem as well as (1922) ‘Stopping by woods on a snowy evening’ convey these notions of discovery demonstrate how texts can challenge assumptions of discovery to form a deepened understanding and renewed perception.

[jamonwindeyer]

Currently have an essay due soon, tell me what you think

Hey Peunda! Welcome to the forums! i'd be happy to give you some feedback on your Thesis, I've attached it below with some comments!

Spoiler

Q. The process of discovery involves a willingness to abandon established ways of thinking in order to embrace new outlooks

One may say that through the relinquishment of societal norms it can result in the most profound revelations that can be both unforeseen and wonderful, generating a heightened level of awareness with an increased judgement on their outlook of life. That first phrase, 'one may say,' is a very low modality statement (you don't sound sure of yourself). Be confident in the first sentence especially! Relinquishment isn't a word (I don't think, it's a very awkward sounding word if it is), it is worth reconsidering that word choice. Also, awarenesss of what? However, opposing views challenge that planned discoveries may likewise prompt the stimulation of new ideas and understandings. A little expression issue there too, read that sentence aloud. It doesn't quite flow smoothly and as a result it isn't quite clear what you are trying to say. Robert Frost’s (1920) ‘Fire and Ice’ poem as well as (1922) ‘Stopping by woods on a snowy evening’ convey these notions of discovery demonstrate how texts can challenge assumptions of discovery to form a deepened understanding and renewed perception. Add a conjunction after the word 'discovery' to keep the sentence flowing. Be sure to be specific about what you are developing a renewed perception of, right now this seems a little vague.

Overall, I think your ideas are solid, but some expression/clarity issues are getting in the way of me engaging with them properly. I've made some suggestions above, but your best bet is to read the paragraph aloud to a friend! Have them identify any places where they don't really know what you mean by something, and work to improve that. Your Thesis should be clear enough that any fellow English student should be able to understand it without any hard work of their own   also be sure to keep things explicit (a few vague statements which I identified), and you will probably want a little more detail on your texts as well! A bit more on how they relate to Discovery, specifically thanks for posting!

[sophieanderson]

Hi, just wondering if I could get some feedback on this thesis for my AOS essay on Go back to where you came from and Barn owl. The essay question/statement is: "Experiencing discoveries through text can be confronting, yet ultimately transformative for the responder."

My thesis in response to this is: Experiencing Discoveries through texts can be confronting for the responder therefore promoting a shift from our widely-held assumptions or attitudes towards a greater understanding.

Thank you!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi, just wondering if I could get some feedback on this thesis for my AOS essay on Go back to where you came from and Barn owl. The essay question/statement is: "Experiencing discoveries through text can be confronting, yet ultimately transformative for the responder."

My thesis in response to this is: Experiencing Discoveries through texts can be confronting for the responder therefore promoting a shift from our widely-held assumptions or attitudes towards a greater understanding.

Thank you!

Hey Sophie! Welcome to the forums!

I like this Thesis (watch the end - "attitudes towards a greater understanding" is a little vague)! What I would comment is that it is sort of a restatement of the question - It isn't adding too much of your own spin on it. That's not a bad thing - What I'd suggest though is that you build on this (either by restructuring or adding a sentence) to include a bit more depth, a unique take on the question. Some questions to prompt some ideas:

- Are discoveries in texts more/less powerful than real world experiences?
- Why are discoveries in texts confronting?
- Does the confronting nature of the Discovery impact on the person experiencing it positively/negatively and how does the text influence this?
- What sort of transformation does the responder experience. Is it immediate or drawn out?

Not all are necessary of course - Just questions to get your mind working on a way to add some flair to the Thesis. It works already! But you could spice it up

[Neilab]

Was just wondering what some good practise essay questions are?

[jamonwindeyer]

Was just wondering what some good practise essay questions are?

Check out this site for all the practice questions/exams you could ever need!

[nubiamendes]

Hi all, I'm new to atar notes so I'm not really sure how this works but I was hoping to get some feedback on my thesis/introduction for my AOS essay (The Tempest and Father & Child) :-)

Composers, through the utilisation of techniques, have the capability to incorporate a variety of themes and concepts such as discovery to enrich the audience’s understanding of their texts.
Although confronting and at times unexpected, the process of discovery may result in transformative experiences that enable renewed perceptions of our worlds and ourselves. Whether they are positive or negative outcomes they can evoke various emotional and intellectual responses for certain individuals. William Shakespeare in his play the tempest explores this process by conveying the differing ramifications Prospero and the other characters discoveries based on their values as well factors that catalyse their discoveries. Gwen Harwood exposes similar themes in her poetry couplet Father & Child where the child journeys through discoveries influenced by her father.

[elysepopplewell]

Hi all, I'm new to atar notes so I'm not really sure how this works but I was hoping to get some feedback on my thesis/introduction for my AOS essay (The Tempest and Father & Child) :-)

Hey there! You've done everything right and you're in the right place

My thoughts are in bold font throughout:
Composers, through the utilisation of techniques, have the capability to incorporate a variety of themes and concepts such as discovery to enrich the audience’s understanding of their texts. I'm hesitant to give this a huge thumbs up because of the way it puts discovery as an after thought, like a later thing. "Such as discovery" diminishes the importance of discovery in the area of study and I think that your idea of the composers is great, but it could be better if you bring discovery forward rather than leaving it on the back burner. I do really love the way you have discussed the composer though, so I'd hold onto that - even if not in your first sentence!
Although confronting and at times unexpected, the process of discovery may result in transformative experiences that enable renewed perceptions of our worlds and ourselves. When you use "our" you bring in the audience - talking about the discoveries that the readers make. Is this your intention? If you don't wish to talk about the reader's discoveries, then perhaps replace "our" with "one's". Whether they are "They" - what is they? positive or negative outcomes they can evoke various emotional and intellectual responses for certain individuals. I think this last sentence is a little clunky and can be refined. Perhaps you intend to say something like, "Discoveries may evoke various emotional and intellectual responses in individuals that may have positive or negative ramifications." William Shakespeare in his play the tempest Remember capital letters for the name of a text explores this process by conveying the differing ramifications Prospero and the other characters discoveries based on their values as well factors that catalyse their discoveries. Gwen Harwood exposes similar themes in her poetry couplet Father & Child where the child journeys through discoveries influenced by her father. We talk about similar themes here, but you haven't identified the themes. I'd potentially switch up the order of your paragraph and bring down the sentence about emotional and intellectual responses to the end sentence, so that you sandwich the texts in there rather than having them as an end-thought that doesn't really show a testament to much.

I think you've got the right idea here and are definitely on the way to a great thesis statement/paragraph. The first thing to adjust is your first sentence, currently it presents a few issues about clarity. Then I think we should address the way the texts are introduced, we need to couple the texts with a facet of discovery that they exemplfiy. We don't need to talk about the texts having techniques or anything like that, we might say something like (this is hypothetical): "The dramatic representation of discovery in The Tempest reveals the meaningful ways that one's perception can change with circumstances." This way, we are identifying the text seamlessly, we talk about discovery as meaningful, we talk about perceptions, and the fact that they can change as a result of discovery. Do you see what I mean by tagging the text with a facet of discovery?

Let me know what you think