Hello! Can someone please give me feedback on this essay? My teacher marked it and said that my essay structure was "problematic" and my expression lacked "clarity", but I'm a bit unsure about which areas of the essay had issues and how to fix them.
Topic: 1984 and Blade Runner depict future worlds in which the value of human relationships has been destroyed. Discuss (I know that I didn't address the prompt in full)
Densely populated yet disconnected, George Orwell's 1984 and Ridley Scott's Blade Runner depict societies absent of privacy and individuality. Through this, both assert that intimacy has been destroyed within their respective narratives.
Within both texts, the societies' authorties have invaded the lives of their citizens. As such, privacy has been destroyed. Within 1984, Orwell makes this blatantly evident in the "omnipresent" and omniscient "telescreens". Mediums of constant surveillance, these in turn offer the Party a constant insight into the life of their citizens - a fact which they are largely aware of. Through this, none of the citiznes' actions are without a sense of constant scrutiny, consequently destroying all perception of privacy. In addition, telescreens can also be seen as embodiments of the Party's assertion of presence into their citizens' lives. This presence in turn impairs all feeling so isolation, and thus privacy. The extremity of this notion can be found in the indoctrination of children with the Party's ideals, a fact particular evident in how Mr Parsons was "proud of" his daughter for turning him in to the though police. Children as a result become mere extension of the Party, and as such their assertion of presence. Through this, the party is able to insert themselves into the sanctity of the home and family unit, thus destroying it. Scott similarly echoes this within Tyrell's control over citizens' lives. This can be particularly seen in Bryant's, in essence Tyrell's, threat of "if you're not a cop, you're little people" that forces Deckard back into his job. This threat can be either seen as Deckard having the choice of becoming a Blade Runner or face the constant persecution of police, or a suggestion that to truly exists in this world is to fulfill Tyrell's will. Both interpretations in turn are suggestive of the influence Tyrell posses over the citizens lives. With Deckard, Scott embodies this within his job, which consequently invades into his privacy. This is made evident in how Deckard is eventually tasked to kill Rachel - a replicant who has fallen in love with. As such, the privacy of his love life has been invaded. Through these destruction of privacy, both Orwell and Scott suggest that an understanding and relationship with oneself becomes lost. Within Blade Runner, this notion is particularly evident in Deckard. A pawn to Tyrell, Deckard loses all understanding of himself, only to be compounded by an absence of privacy within his life. This can be seen in how he goes to buy alcohol after killing Zhora, an an goon that can interpreted as an attempt to drown his confusion and lostness with a temporary moment of pleasure. With this, Deckard can be seen as lost and missing of a relationship with himself. Within 1984, the destruction of Winston's privacy also leads to a lost of connections with himself, morphing himself into no more than the epitome of Hersey. This is particularly evident in his constant affirmation that the thought police "were bond to "arrest him. Hence, the destruction of privacy within both texts facilitates for a lost of intimacy.
With regard to my "problematic" structure, was it because of how I positioned my ideas? I essentially went "this is how privacy is destroyed in Blade Runner", then "this how it is destroyed in 1984". Then I linked it back to my contention (which was that intimacy has been destroyed). So firstly I went, "the lack of privacy in Blade Runner led to a destruction of intimacy", then I repeated that but with 1984. Is this the issue with my essay structure?
Thanks in advance for all help.
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