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Author Topic: Ancient History Essay Marking Thread  (Read 14120 times)

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sudodds

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Ancient History Essay Marking Thread
« on: March 22, 2017, 10:40:28 pm »
If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for us to mark!

hey hey! Want an Ancient History essay/response marked? I'm yo girl  8)

Before posting, please read the essay marking rules/rationale here.

The options that I studied were:
- Pompeii and Herculaneum (obvs)
- Rome: The Julio Claudians
- Rome: Agrippina the Younger
- Greece: Spartan Society to the Battle of Leuctra

If you want to submit an essay outside of these options that's perfectly fine, just be aware that I will only be able to help with general structure and expression :)

Susie
« Last Edit: August 04, 2017, 08:42:12 pm by jamonwindeyer »
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2016 HSC: Modern History (18th in NSW) | History Extension (2nd place in the HTA Extension History Essay Prize) | Ancient History | Drama | English Advanced | Studies of Religion I | Economics

ATAR: 97.80

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Looking for a history tutor? I'm ya girl! Feel free to send me a PM if you're interested!

sudodds

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Re: Ancient History Essay Marking Thread
« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2017, 11:24:03 pm »
Hey grace.estelle!

Here is your feedback on the essay you posted in the question thread.
Your essay with my comments (in bold) can be found in the spoiler tag + a few general statements underneath  :) I also added a few words/sentences that I feel are structurally necessary - those are in red.

Hope this helps!

Spoiler
Explain the formation, role and breakdown of the First Triumvirate.

At a time when Rome was in political upheaval, three most ambitious men joined together in a political alliance with aims to overthrow the Senate. I think this is a bit too dramatic/narrative like for a first sentence, and again, in preparation for the way in which you will have to write responses in the HSC, you should always start with a judgment. Perhaps: The formation, role and breakdown of the First Triumvirate was a highly significant event within Roman History, that had a critical impact upon the socio-political landscape of Rome at the time. In 60BC, Julius Caesar, Gnaeus Pompey and Marcus Licinius Crassus were fuelled by the desire to further their own personal successes that had become stagnant due to the Senate’s rejection of their requests. While their initial successes came from collective support and trust in one another, later tensions and jealousy between the men brought the First Triumvirate to an inevitable end. Nice summation

The formation of The First Triumvirate was primarily due to the Senate’s disagreement with Caesar, Pompey and Crassus. Good judgement! Roman historian Titus Livy described the coalition as “conspiracy against the state,” where the three men were united by their common hatred towards the Senate for preventing them from further political success. For example, Pompey’s rejected requests were, according to Appian, due to the senators’ jealousy which was perhaps brought about by Pompey’s unconventional escalation to power, in particular his position as consul of 70BC despite his young age. Nice intergration of detail As Pompey was a highly ambitious man who constantly desired more power, the senatorial conflict compelled him to join the triumvirate in order to overturn their decision, thus affirming the significant impact that this conflict with the Senate had upon the forming of the First Triumvirate. I included this just because I feel like you need to link back to the quetsion a little bit more consistently :) Similarly, Crassus’ supporters had been impacted by the Mithridatic Wars and in order for him to regain their respect, the Senate needed to grant compensation to these tax collectors. However Crassus’ request was also denied, causing him to turn to Caesar for help in fulfilling his promises to the people, rather than the Senate. The Senate, however had not only become extremely wary of Caesar’s popularity with the people, but also as Suetonius suggests, “he was suspected of having made a conspiracy with Crassus,” hence making it increasingly difficult for him to be elected consul of 59BC. Thus, the formation of the First Triumvirate was the three men’s collective reaction to the Senate’s rejection of their various commands. A much better paragraph than before! Your integration of quotes is much better, and I feel like you are analysing more. Only a few, minor, expression changes, that I just feel like will make your response more "bullet proof" so to speak. You should always be working towards appealing to the lowest common denominator of a marker - the marker who is tired, doesn't know the course back to front, and is just there to tick a couple of boxes then go home. Make marking as easy as possible for them, spell it out to them how consistently you are addressing the question by using the same wording and phrasing throughout, and explicitly stating how your points relate to your judgement.

The three men’s inclusion in the First Triumvirate was largely due to Caesar’s strategically built alliance whereby he combined Pompey and Crassus’s wealth and prestige to further his career and subsequently, theirs. Nice judgement! Crassus was not only a friend of Caesar’s who had financially supported him in his previous position as Pontifex Maximus, but according to Sallust, “Tarquinius named Crassus, a noble of great wealth and of the highest rank.” Caesar clearly saw the benefit of inviting such a man into the alliance as he himself, had no wealth to gain him the power to the extent that he desired. This sentence reads a little bit clucky - consider rephrasing. Pompey on the other hand, was the most successful military general, as verified by Appian, in that he “gave him command of all forces...never been given to any one general before.” It is likely that instead of saying "it is likely that", say something like "historians believe," or "it has been suggested", then include your source (you don't necessarily need a quote). Just a nice way to incorporate some historical and historiographical evidence, along with making sure that your work is assertive and not passive. Caesar saw that Pompey’s loyal veterans could ignite fear in the Senate – forcing them to abide by the three men’s wishes – hence he was also invited into the liaison. Hence Since you just used the word hence, maybe change this to "Thus" or "Therefore." it is evident that Caesar knew “without the aid of both...he could never come to any great power” (Cassius Duo). Nice integration of a quote.As such, Caesar extended the invitation to Pompey and Crassus to support him in his consulship in return for passing their rejected requests, and granting them commands over promising provinces. I think your final sentence needs a stronger link - maybe finish up with "affirming the significance of the latters wealth and prestige within their selection by Caesar to form the Triumvirate."

It was largely due to Caesar’s later role as sole consul of Rome which aimed to surpass the power of the Senate to maximise the political careers of each man. Check grammar and expression, a bit confused with the wording of this judgement, not really sure what you are saying. Caesar’s strategic and power-hungry nature enabled him to push for illegal reforms that benefitted the members of the triumvirate. Yet the people’s approval of his bills was a result of his threatening actions as noted by Plutarch in “[Pompey] filled the city with his soldiers,” hence suggesting that the men used unconstitutional force to ensure that their laws were passed. Nice! This further confirmed the powerful role individuals played when they were backed by military strength, allowing them to force the Senate into inactivity. Also nice! While this abuse of power contributed towards the men’s attainment of increasing military commands, it also interfered with Rome’s political climate. Really really nice! This is supported by modern historian Matthias Gelzer who argues that the men only considered “personal interests without regard for the organs provided by the constitution.” As a result, it is evident that the combined strengths of the men and their dynamic personalities enabled the First Triumvirate to become significant for its role to challenge and overturn the Roman constitution. Really like this paragraph (if you couldn't already tell  ;) )

Although Crassus’ and Caesar’s daughter’s deaths were two reasons for the breakdown of the first triumvirate, ultimately it was due to the uneven strength of the three men which caused irrevocable political tensions. Fantastic judgement. Caesar’s victories in Gaul created jealousy among the two other powerful men, hence threatening the unity of the coalition. It is also highly likely that Caesar’s method of passing Pompey’s previous agrarian law which according to Plutarch, “brought Pompey out openly in front of the people,” led the tribunes to believe that Pompey was hostile. This in turn, provoked Pompey’s resentment towards Caesar as he began to lose the people’s respect, further contributing to the deterioration of their alliance. Modern historian Christina Boggs similarly argues that the “insatiable thirst for power” suggests that while the political alliance was a mutual agreement, each man sought to achieve more popularity and power than the other without regard for their initial political agreement. This is reiterated by Suetonius who commented “he [Caesar] did very much as he pleased,” hence contributing to the rivalry between himself and Pompey. As a result of the arising jealousy, the later events of Julia’s and Crassus’ death cemented the end of the alliance. Plutarch confirms this in “could not satisfy the ambition of two men...they who were only two.” Since Julia served as the glue that forced Pompey and Caesar into a civil relationship, her death served as a catalyst for the inevitable collapse of the First Triumvirate. Again, a really good paragraph imo! Maybe a little bit of an overload of historians, but not to the extent whereby I am overly concerned.

Ultimately, the formation of the First Triumvirate was due to the Senate’s disagreement with Caesar, Pompey and Crassus which fuelled their desire to surpass their laws, and the Roman constitution itself. However, what once was a collective desire for success and power, was outweighed by each member’s personal interests to further their own reputation in the political arena. As such, jealousy towards another man’s popularity sought to break up the ‘triumvirates’.

Overall a strong response Grace! Definitely a big improvement from the paragraph I looked at before, well done!
Only a few minor comments here and there, mainly in regards to expression and wording. If your teacher accepts drafts I'd ask her to give this a look over as well to check in terms of content (and of course if she also has some extra opinions on structure), however overall I would be pretty confident handing something like this in :)

Great work! Let me know if you're confused with any of the feedback  :)

Susie
FREE HISTORY EXTENSION LECTURE - CLICK HERE FOR INFO!

2016 HSC: Modern History (18th in NSW) | History Extension (2nd place in the HTA Extension History Essay Prize) | Ancient History | Drama | English Advanced | Studies of Religion I | Economics

ATAR: 97.80

Studying a Bachelor of Communications: Media Arts and Production at UTS 😊

Looking for a history tutor? I'm ya girl! Feel free to send me a PM if you're interested!

grace.estelle

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Re: Ancient History Essay Marking Thread
« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2017, 11:48:03 pm »
Hey grace.estelle!

Here is your feedback on the essay you posted in the question thread.

Overall a strong response Grace! Definitely a big improvement from the paragraph I looked at before, well done!
Only a few minor comments here and there, mainly in regards to expression and wording. If your teacher accepts drafts I'd ask her to give this a look over as well to check in terms of content (and of course if she also has some extra opinions on structure), however overall I would be pretty confident handing something like this in :)

Great work! Let me know if you're confused with any of the feedback  :)

Susie

Hey Susie,
thank you so much, your replies are so fast too!! The writing wouldn't have been much of an improvement if it wasn't for your help!  ;D
HSC 2017: English Advanced | Legal Studies | Ancient History | Mathematics | Maths Extension 1 | Textiles and Design

sudodds

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Re: Ancient History Essay Marking Thread
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2017, 11:54:57 pm »
Hey Susie,
thank you so much, your replies are so fast too!! The writing wouldn't have been much of an improvement if it wasn't for your help!  ;D

Absolutely no worries Grace! Happy to help  :)
FREE HISTORY EXTENSION LECTURE - CLICK HERE FOR INFO!

2016 HSC: Modern History (18th in NSW) | History Extension (2nd place in the HTA Extension History Essay Prize) | Ancient History | Drama | English Advanced | Studies of Religion I | Economics

ATAR: 97.80

Studying a Bachelor of Communications: Media Arts and Production at UTS 😊

Looking for a history tutor? I'm ya girl! Feel free to send me a PM if you're interested!

Maraos

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Re: Ancient History Essay Marking Thread
« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2017, 10:40:59 pm »
Attached is my essay
My original version has images of evidence (frescoes, artefacts, features e.t.c) however due to the file size restriction of ATAR notes forum i had to remove them.
Also sorry for the wait, I had to reduce the file size took me awhile..


Thanks so much for offering to help me!  ;D
2016 HSC:
Mathematics
(1 down 6 to go... :D)

2017 HSC:
Physics
Extension 1 Mathematics
Design and Technology
Ancient History
History Extension
English Advanced

sudodds

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Re: Ancient History Essay Marking Thread
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2017, 12:08:58 am »
Attached is my essay
My original version has images of evidence (frescoes, artefacts, features e.t.c) however due to the file size restriction of ATAR notes forum i had to remove them.
Also sorry for the wait, I had to reduce the file size took me awhile..


Thanks so much for offering to help me!  ;D

Hey Maraos!

No worries about the images :) Feedback on your essay can be found in the spoiler tag, along with some general comments underneath. In your message you said that word count was a problem, so I'm going to use a strikethrough wherever I believe you can cut down on words :) I have also used red to add any words or phrases that I feel are structurally necessary.

Spoiler
Public building (Pompeii)
Common name: Amphitheatre of Pompeii
Region and insula number: Region II Insula 6 (II.6)
Location on an annotated streetscape:
I'm assuming the stuff written above was specified within the assessment notification? Just because in an actual essay you won't want to be using subheadings - but if this assessment requires it then its A-okay :)

The Amphitheatre of Pompeii is one of the most impressive public monuments in the whole city, hmmm. I always tried to stay away from judgements like "most impressive" - just appears too dramatic. Archeological evidence within the building reveals much about local political life, Roman social structure, economy and leisure activities providing a glimpse into ancient life in the Roman world. I feel like this could be your judgement! Maybe clean it up a bit, but something like: As a public building, The Amphitheatre of Pompeii and its contents provide historians with an array of critical evidence, revealing much about local political life, Roman social structure, economy and leisure activities. It is the oldest known permanent amphitheatre in Italy Nice detail, but is it 100% important? Having been Constructed shortly after the foundation of the Roman colony at Pompeii in the 70s BCE, evidence for its foundation and construction are found from two identical inscriptions, located over the main entrances to the Amphitheatre. These inscriptions record that it was dedicated in perpetuity to the colonists of Pompeii by the two quinquennial duumviri, Gaius Quincitius Valgus and M.Porcius. Great integration of a source! Thus the amphitheatre was closely associated with the new colonists and acted as a symbol of the new political order. Great link! The repeated reference to the ‘colony’ in the inscription emphasises the dominance of the new Roman elite over the native population. Fantastic paragraph Maraos! Setting up a strong essay! I do have one question though - were you expected to have an introduction, or to just jump straight into your response? Because this has too much specific detail to be considered an intro.

Evidence of social structure and inequality in the Roman world is highlighted through the configuration and layout of the amphitheatre. Good, clear and succinct judgment - Nice! It was made up I think you could find better words to say "made up" - comprised of perhaps? of two major sections, the ‘cavea’ (spectator seating) and the arena. The seats of the cavea were carefully ranked, the lowest section of seating was known as the ‘ima cavea’ and were reserved for the local elite, who enjoyed spacious seating and a ringside view. The other two sections known as the ‘media cavea’ and the 'summa cavea’ were larger and would have seated more spectators, mostly those from the lower classes. The ima cavea is physically separated from the other sections by a continuous balustrade around 80 centimeters high, preventing any exchange between these spectators and the rest of the crowd. Further evidence of social stratification is provided by epigraphical sources, such as Epigraphic evidence of social structure comes from eight inscriptions carved into the amphitheater’s travertine podium, these recording that individual duoviri chose to contribute specific wedges of tufa seats. The donation of seating as pointed out by Parslow helped clearly differentiate the spectators according to class and rank, where the magistrates and the game’s sponsors occupied the prime rows. Again absolutely fantastic! Your integration of sources and detail is superb :)

Not only were spectators of different social status separated from each other during the events themselves but the methods in which they merely entered the amphitheatre were different. Those of the lower class made their way up the steep stairways on the outside of the building to their seats.4 In contrast those of the upper elite class entered through one of the lower entranceways, which led to an internal corridor running around the perimeter of the arena. This is great detail, but I think you may be going on a bit too much about social structure now. I think you made your point well enough in the previous paragraph and this could be shortened dramatically (or even cut completely tbh). This is NOT because I dislike the paragraph - but just in terms of word count I feel like you can get rid of a lot here.This way the elite bypassed the exterior steep steps, as pointed out by Beard; “on this system the rich would never have had to cross paths, or rub shoulders in the mêlée, with the great unwashed.” 5 This separation reveals the prominence of social stratification and elitism within the Roman social structure of Pompeii. This final judgement is fantastic. Even if you cut out this paragraph, please keep this link.

The amphitheatre and surrounding area was also designed to capitalize on the crowds entering this quarter of the city, providing a detailed insight into the nature of commerce, tourism and trade in the Roman world. Good judgement Based off the seating arrangements in the amphitheatre It has been estimated that in total 10,000 to 20,000 spectators could be accommodated in the ampitheatre. This figure is far more than the male citizen body of Pompeii and revealing that the complex was intended to hold a large number of visitors from other settlements in the region maybe you could mention how it is believed that Herculaneans in particular used to come, as no amphitheatre has been excavated there! encouraging tourism and trade. As pointed out by Berry “the influx of neighboring peoples into Pompeii to watch the games must have had a significant impact on both her economy and status.” Painted inscriptions located beneath the external arches of the amphitheatre reveal that stalls and shop owners set up their stands for the sale of food and drink, such as One such inscription read that suggests Gnaeus Aninius Fortunatus had the aediles’ permission to occupy a certain space. Further evidence for trade and commerce comes from the famous fresco depicting the riot of A.D 59 where itinerant vendors of food and drink have set up their tables under the trees. During the excavation of the amphitheatre casts of ancient tree roots were created, confirming that trees did indeed grow in the square of the amphitheatre thus confirming the accuracy of the fresco. Your knowledge of detail is incredible!Property owners in the adjacent area also converted their homes and vineyards into taverns and restaurants, their proximity allowed these establishments to draw their business from one another. Great detail, but at this point I think your argument is solid enough :)Therefore not only was the amphitheatre a place of leisure and entertainment, it was also a major tourist destination and a central trading center revealing the nature of commerce and trade in the Roman world.

The Villa of the Papyri in Herculaneum is one of the most impressive and luxurious private houses in all of Herculaneum. Like before, I think this is a little bit of a dramatic intro. Instead maybe: The Villa of the Papyri in Herculaneum is a highly valuable source of information pertaining to the Ancient roman world, providng extensive evidence on Greek influences, leisure activities and roman luxury. It was described by the famous archaeologist and curator of Herculaneum, Amedeo Maiuri, as the “Most valuable and richest villa of the ancient world.” Its abundance of archaeological artefacts and fixed features highlights the nature of Greek influence on Roman life, leisure activities and Roman luxury.

Villa owners often expressed their philosophical inclinations in visual form. If this paragraph is on Greek influences, then that needs to be explicitly addressed within your first sentence. This is clearly demonstrated in the luxurious Villa of the Paypri where evidence of Greek Epicurean influence has been uncovered through the discovery of a library in the Villa with a collection of over 1,800 carbonised papyri. This sentence came across a bit clunky - I feel like you could cut down a lot just by rewording. Most of the papyri were found in a room along with four inscribed busts of the Greek philosophers Epicurus, Hermarchus and Zeno. Great detail, but is it really important? I know it emphasises greek influence, but I feel like in comparison to everything else its less significant. Three quarters of all the scrolls that have been successfully opened so far are works of Philodemus of Gadara, a minor Greek Epicurean philosopher of the 1st century BC 13. The vast majority of the remaining papyri contain a number of Greek philosophical texts such as parts of Epicurus’ ‘on nature’, works of the stoic philosopher Chrysippus,14 and only a few fragments of Latin, 15 however as new technologies are employed the remaining scrolls might uncover a different story. Classics professor David Sider argues that what has been found was in fact Philodemus’ own working library, and that the owner himself was Philodemus’ patron. 16 It has been suggested that the owner was Lucius Calpurnius Piso, father in-law of Julius Caesar and patron of Philodemus, 17 however as pointed out by Berry, 18 and Dickmann 19this claim is not on the basis of any firm evidence. I feel like the discussion on whether it was actually his workshop could be cut down - is it really answering the question effectively? The abundance of Greek art and Epicurean literature within the library highlights both the influence of Greek culture on Roman life and Roman admiration towards Epicureanism suggesting that the Romans were heavily influenced by its hedonistic approach to life. Great link.

Household decoration was a significant aspect of the ancient Roman world, as highlighted by Hadrill, private decoration tells us about the social use of space and from this reflects the social position and wealth of the inhabitants. Classics professor Richard Janko points out that the Villa of the Papyri was not merely a holiday house but a mouseion, a place to show off a collection of spectacular works of art and literature, thus revealing much about Roman luxury and social structure. If you're going to talk about social structure - which I agree you should - you need to explictly mention that within your introductory sentence for the Villa of the Papyri On the western side of the villa is a large peristyle over 90m long and 30m wide, filled with fountains, several large gardens and an overwhelming wealth of sculptures in bronze and marble. These included famous statues such as; the ‘Drunken faun’, ‘seated Hermes’ and the ‘dancing maidens,’ the statuary also included portraits of politicians, army heroes, writes, images of gods, satyrs and animals. Moormann points out that “the peristyle was reminiscent of a Greek idllic landscape, combined with a gymnasium, where sports and philosophy were practiced”. This view is further supported by Dickmann.23 Don't mention historians if you're not going to explain them.The sculpted figures represented the finest elements of Hellenic culture and emphasise the owner’s admiration towards Greek art symbolising a fondness for living in the Greek style. The villa’s exquisite architecture and works of art represents more than a display of wealth. It is a method of displaying, or laying claim to social rank highlighting the increasing Hellenizing culture of the senatorial elite of the later Republic. Nice! This reflects a cultural revolution among the elite that originated from intense competition, in the need to assert claim to social leadership and status. This movement not only affected the elite, luxury living created the image of success and happiness to which even those with slender resources aspired, creating a sense of belonging and membership in a society in which ideology and culture was defined by the aristocracy of the capital. Really sophisticated analysis right here! Well done!

Okay! So overall I think this is a really good essay Maraos!
I do have a few questions in regards to structure. Where you told to separate your responses in this way and to use subheadings? Just because in an exam situation, you wouldn't be allowed to do that, so I'm just making sure that your teacher told you to structure it this way, because if not then some of my feedback changes. Please let me know if this isn't the case!

The positives - you are analysing really really well, and your grasp of detail is really extensive! This is the kinda stuff that differentiates between a band 5 and a band 6 (and a low band 6 to a high band 6!) so I'm really pleased to see that you are already at this level so early on.

In terms of cutting down your word count, I don't necessarily think that you are waffling because the information you provide is usually really relevant. However, when it comes to Ancient you don't need to discuss EVERYTHING about a particular issue. 2 detailed examples to support your argument is usually enough :)

I've tried to direct you a bit in regards to what to cut out, but if you want to include another paragraph for the Villa of the Papyri on leisure activities (which I do suggest!), then you will need to cut out more. I was notorious for going over the word limit in every subject last year (6000+ word draft for what was meant to be my 2500 history extension major work haha), and the way that I stopped myself was just by being really really ruthless. If a point didn't 110% add/support my argument, then I cut it. My sentences were often really really long as well, and often by just taking the time to reword them I could significantly cut back on my word usage (plus appear more succinct!) This is something that I think could work for your response too, as some of your sentences were quite long.

But yeah! Overall I think this was a really good essay Maraos! Well done  ;D Please let me know if there is anything that you are confused about! Happy to clarify + expand upon anything if need be :)

Susie
FREE HISTORY EXTENSION LECTURE - CLICK HERE FOR INFO!

2016 HSC: Modern History (18th in NSW) | History Extension (2nd place in the HTA Extension History Essay Prize) | Ancient History | Drama | English Advanced | Studies of Religion I | Economics

ATAR: 97.80

Studying a Bachelor of Communications: Media Arts and Production at UTS 😊

Looking for a history tutor? I'm ya girl! Feel free to send me a PM if you're interested!

Maraos

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Re: Ancient History Essay Marking Thread
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2017, 10:42:27 am »
Hey Maraos!

No worries about the images :) Feedback on your essay can be found in the spoiler tag, along with some general comments underneath. In your message you said that word count was a problem, so I'm going to use a strikethrough wherever I believe you can cut down on words :) I have also used red to add any words or phrases that I feel are structurally necessary.

Spoiler
Public building (Pompeii)
Common name: Amphitheatre of Pompeii
Region and insula number: Region II Insula 6 (II.6)
Location on an annotated streetscape:
I'm assuming the stuff written above was specified within the assessment notification? Just because in an actual essay you won't want to be using subheadings - but if this assessment requires it then its A-okay :)

The Amphitheatre of Pompeii is one of the most impressive public monuments in the whole city, hmmm. I always tried to stay away from judgements like "most impressive" - just appears too dramatic. Archeological evidence within the building reveals much about local political life, Roman social structure, economy and leisure activities providing a glimpse into ancient life in the Roman world. I feel like this could be your judgement! Maybe clean it up a bit, but something like: As a public building, The Amphitheatre of Pompeii and its contents provide historians with an array of critical evidence, revealing much about local political life, Roman social structure, economy and leisure activities. It is the oldest known permanent amphitheatre in Italy Nice detail, but is it 100% important? Having been Constructed shortly after the foundation of the Roman colony at Pompeii in the 70s BCE, evidence for its foundation and construction are found from two identical inscriptions, located over the main entrances to the Amphitheatre. These inscriptions record that it was dedicated in perpetuity to the colonists of Pompeii by the two quinquennial duumviri, Gaius Quincitius Valgus and M.Porcius. Great integration of a source! Thus the amphitheatre was closely associated with the new colonists and acted as a symbol of the new political order. Great link! The repeated reference to the ‘colony’ in the inscription emphasises the dominance of the new Roman elite over the native population. Fantastic paragraph Maraos! Setting up a strong essay! I do have one question though - were you expected to have an introduction, or to just jump straight into your response? Because this has too much specific detail to be considered an intro.

Evidence of social structure and inequality in the Roman world is highlighted through the configuration and layout of the amphitheatre. Good, clear and succinct judgment - Nice! It was made up I think you could find better words to say "made up" - comprised of perhaps? of two major sections, the ‘cavea’ (spectator seating) and the arena. The seats of the cavea were carefully ranked, the lowest section of seating was known as the ‘ima cavea’ and were reserved for the local elite, who enjoyed spacious seating and a ringside view. The other two sections known as the ‘media cavea’ and the 'summa cavea’ were larger and would have seated more spectators, mostly those from the lower classes. The ima cavea is physically separated from the other sections by a continuous balustrade around 80 centimeters high, preventing any exchange between these spectators and the rest of the crowd. Further evidence of social stratification is provided by epigraphical sources, such as Epigraphic evidence of social structure comes from eight inscriptions carved into the amphitheater’s travertine podium, these recording that individual duoviri chose to contribute specific wedges of tufa seats. The donation of seating as pointed out by Parslow helped clearly differentiate the spectators according to class and rank, where the magistrates and the game’s sponsors occupied the prime rows. Again absolutely fantastic! Your integration of sources and detail is superb :)

Not only were spectators of different social status separated from each other during the events themselves but the methods in which they merely entered the amphitheatre were different. Those of the lower class made their way up the steep stairways on the outside of the building to their seats.4 In contrast those of the upper elite class entered through one of the lower entranceways, which led to an internal corridor running around the perimeter of the arena. This is great detail, but I think you may be going on a bit too much about social structure now. I think you made your point well enough in the previous paragraph and this could be shortened dramatically (or even cut completely tbh). This is NOT because I dislike the paragraph - but just in terms of word count I feel like you can get rid of a lot here.This way the elite bypassed the exterior steep steps, as pointed out by Beard; “on this system the rich would never have had to cross paths, or rub shoulders in the mêlée, with the great unwashed.” 5 This separation reveals the prominence of social stratification and elitism within the Roman social structure of Pompeii. This final judgement is fantastic. Even if you cut out this paragraph, please keep this link.

The amphitheatre and surrounding area was also designed to capitalize on the crowds entering this quarter of the city, providing a detailed insight into the nature of commerce, tourism and trade in the Roman world. Good judgement Based off the seating arrangements in the amphitheatre It has been estimated that in total 10,000 to 20,000 spectators could be accommodated in the ampitheatre. This figure is far more than the male citizen body of Pompeii and revealing that the complex was intended to hold a large number of visitors from other settlements in the region maybe you could mention how it is believed that Herculaneans in particular used to come, as no amphitheatre has been excavated there! encouraging tourism and trade. As pointed out by Berry “the influx of neighboring peoples into Pompeii to watch the games must have had a significant impact on both her economy and status.” Painted inscriptions located beneath the external arches of the amphitheatre reveal that stalls and shop owners set up their stands for the sale of food and drink, such as One such inscription read that suggests Gnaeus Aninius Fortunatus had the aediles’ permission to occupy a certain space. Further evidence for trade and commerce comes from the famous fresco depicting the riot of A.D 59 where itinerant vendors of food and drink have set up their tables under the trees. During the excavation of the amphitheatre casts of ancient tree roots were created, confirming that trees did indeed grow in the square of the amphitheatre thus confirming the accuracy of the fresco. Your knowledge of detail is incredible!Property owners in the adjacent area also converted their homes and vineyards into taverns and restaurants, their proximity allowed these establishments to draw their business from one another. Great detail, but at this point I think your argument is solid enough :)Therefore not only was the amphitheatre a place of leisure and entertainment, it was also a major tourist destination and a central trading center revealing the nature of commerce and trade in the Roman world.

The Villa of the Papyri in Herculaneum is one of the most impressive and luxurious private houses in all of Herculaneum. Like before, I think this is a little bit of a dramatic intro. Instead maybe: The Villa of the Papyri in Herculaneum is a highly valuable source of information pertaining to the Ancient roman world, providng extensive evidence on Greek influences, leisure activities and roman luxury. It was described by the famous archaeologist and curator of Herculaneum, Amedeo Maiuri, as the “Most valuable and richest villa of the ancient world.” Its abundance of archaeological artefacts and fixed features highlights the nature of Greek influence on Roman life, leisure activities and Roman luxury.

Villa owners often expressed their philosophical inclinations in visual form. If this paragraph is on Greek influences, then that needs to be explicitly addressed within your first sentence. This is clearly demonstrated in the luxurious Villa of the Paypri where evidence of Greek Epicurean influence has been uncovered through the discovery of a library in the Villa with a collection of over 1,800 carbonised papyri. This sentence came across a bit clunky - I feel like you could cut down a lot just by rewording. Most of the papyri were found in a room along with four inscribed busts of the Greek philosophers Epicurus, Hermarchus and Zeno. Great detail, but is it really important? I know it emphasises greek influence, but I feel like in comparison to everything else its less significant. Three quarters of all the scrolls that have been successfully opened so far are works of Philodemus of Gadara, a minor Greek Epicurean philosopher of the 1st century BC 13. The vast majority of the remaining papyri contain a number of Greek philosophical texts such as parts of Epicurus’ ‘on nature’, works of the stoic philosopher Chrysippus,14 and only a few fragments of Latin, 15 however as new technologies are employed the remaining scrolls might uncover a different story. Classics professor David Sider argues that what has been found was in fact Philodemus’ own working library, and that the owner himself was Philodemus’ patron. 16 It has been suggested that the owner was Lucius Calpurnius Piso, father in-law of Julius Caesar and patron of Philodemus, 17 however as pointed out by Berry, 18 and Dickmann 19this claim is not on the basis of any firm evidence. I feel like the discussion on whether it was actually his workshop could be cut down - is it really answering the question effectively? The abundance of Greek art and Epicurean literature within the library highlights both the influence of Greek culture on Roman life and Roman admiration towards Epicureanism suggesting that the Romans were heavily influenced by its hedonistic approach to life. Great link.

Household decoration was a significant aspect of the ancient Roman world, as highlighted by Hadrill, private decoration tells us about the social use of space and from this reflects the social position and wealth of the inhabitants. Classics professor Richard Janko points out that the Villa of the Papyri was not merely a holiday house but a mouseion, a place to show off a collection of spectacular works of art and literature, thus revealing much about Roman luxury and social structure. If you're going to talk about social structure - which I agree you should - you need to explictly mention that within your introductory sentence for the Villa of the Papyri On the western side of the villa is a large peristyle over 90m long and 30m wide, filled with fountains, several large gardens and an overwhelming wealth of sculptures in bronze and marble. These included famous statues such as; the ‘Drunken faun’, ‘seated Hermes’ and the ‘dancing maidens,’ the statuary also included portraits of politicians, army heroes, writes, images of gods, satyrs and animals. Moormann points out that “the peristyle was reminiscent of a Greek idllic landscape, combined with a gymnasium, where sports and philosophy were practiced”. This view is further supported by Dickmann.23 Don't mention historians if you're not going to explain them.The sculpted figures represented the finest elements of Hellenic culture and emphasise the owner’s admiration towards Greek art symbolising a fondness for living in the Greek style. The villa’s exquisite architecture and works of art represents more than a display of wealth. It is a method of displaying, or laying claim to social rank highlighting the increasing Hellenizing culture of the senatorial elite of the later Republic. Nice! This reflects a cultural revolution among the elite that originated from intense competition, in the need to assert claim to social leadership and status. This movement not only affected the elite, luxury living created the image of success and happiness to which even those with slender resources aspired, creating a sense of belonging and membership in a society in which ideology and culture was defined by the aristocracy of the capital. Really sophisticated analysis right here! Well done!

Okay! So overall I think this is a really good essay Maraos!
I do have a few questions in regards to structure. Where you told to separate your responses in this way and to use subheadings? Just because in an exam situation, you wouldn't be allowed to do that, so I'm just making sure that your teacher told you to structure it this way, because if not then some of my feedback changes. Please let me know if this isn't the case!

The positives - you are analysing really really well, and your grasp of detail is really extensive! This is the kinda stuff that differentiates between a band 5 and a band 6 (and a low band 6 to a high band 6!) so I'm really pleased to see that you are already at this level so early on.

In terms of cutting down your word count, I don't necessarily think that you are waffling because the information you provide is usually really relevant. However, when it comes to Ancient you don't need to discuss EVERYTHING about a particular issue. 2 detailed examples to support your argument is usually enough :)

I've tried to direct you a bit in regards to what to cut out, but if you want to include another paragraph for the Villa of the Papyri on leisure activities (which I do suggest!), then you will need to cut out more. I was notorious for going over the word limit in every subject last year (6000+ word draft for what was meant to be my 2500 history extension major work haha), and the way that I stopped myself was just by being really really ruthless. If a point didn't 110% add/support my argument, then I cut it. My sentences were often really really long as well, and often by just taking the time to reword them I could significantly cut back on my word usage (plus appear more succinct!) This is something that I think could work for your response too, as some of your sentences were quite long.

But yeah! Overall I think this was a really good essay Maraos! Well done  ;D Please let me know if there is anything that you are confused about! Happy to clarify + expand upon anything if need be :)

Susie
Thanks so much for the marking! Your response time is impressive!  ;D
Firstly,
Yes, this essay is in a weird structure, my teacher said it's more of a report rather than an essay (personally I think its an unusual assignment, but yeah)
secondly, my teacher said we didn't have to include an introduction since it isn't really a proper essay, he said we can just get right into answering the question
I was also thinking of adding this point for the amphitheater, but once again the word count is really annoying.

Spoiler
The popularity of the gladiatorial shows and the spectacles at the amphitheatre lead to the civic benefaction of magistrates in an attempt to gain votes and public favor. (revealing much about local political life, leisure activities,  influence of other cultures)
-   Go into the types of shows at the amphitheatre and just how important they were to the population
-   Speak about evidence from graffito about particular aspects of the shows and how the Pompeiians treated gladiators like ‘celebrities’ by grafting the walls of the amphitheatre (pg 36 BBC book)
-   The fact that the amphitheatre was rebuilt after the earthquake of 62 AD as opposed to other public buildings such as temples, the theatre e.t.c emphasises just how important it was to the Pompeiians. (highlighting the nature of leisure activities in the romans world and just how important they were to the people of ancient Rome)
-   Then speak about how magistrates used this love towards the Amphitheatre as a means of gaining popularity among voters in Pompeii e.t.c (evidence can be taken from inscriptions that reveal that the benefactors payed for the shows, thus revealing the ways in which they attempted to gain popularity)
Useful sources;
-   Page 218, “the world of Pompeii”
-   Page 58-61 of L.Jacobelli “Gladiators at Pompeii”
-   Page 35-38 BBC “Pompeii the Last day”


Thanks again for the help!  ;D

Mod Action: Moved the information on the amphitheatre from code to a spoiler tag :)
« Last Edit: April 05, 2017, 11:01:34 am by sudodds »
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sudodds

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Re: Ancient History Essay Marking Thread
« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2017, 11:04:33 am »
Thanks so much for the marking! Your response time is impressive!  ;D
Firstly,
Yes, this essay is in a weird structure, my teacher said it's more of a report rather than an essay (personally I think its an unusual assignment, but yeah)
secondly, my teacher said we didn't have to include an introduction since it isn't really a proper essay, he said we can just get right into answering the question
I was also thinking of adding this point for the amphitheater, but once again the word count is really annoying.

Spoiler
The popularity of the gladiatorial shows and the spectacles at the amphitheatre lead to the civic benefaction of magistrates in an attempt to gain votes and public favor. (revealing much about local political life, leisure activities,  influence of other cultures)
-   Go into the types of shows at the amphitheatre and just how important they were to the population
-   Speak about evidence from graffito about particular aspects of the shows and how the Pompeiians treated gladiators like ‘celebrities’ by grafting the walls of the amphitheatre (pg 36 BBC book)
-   The fact that the amphitheatre was rebuilt after the earthquake of 62 AD as opposed to other public buildings such as temples, the theatre e.t.c emphasises just how important it was to the Pompeiians. (highlighting the nature of leisure activities in the romans world and just how important they were to the people of ancient Rome)
-   Then speak about how magistrates used this love towards the Amphitheatre as a means of gaining popularity among voters in Pompeii e.t.c (evidence can be taken from inscriptions that reveal that the benefactors payed for the shows, thus revealing the ways in which they attempted to gain popularity)
Useful sources;
-   Page 218, “the world of Pompeii”
-   Page 58-61 of L.Jacobelli “Gladiators at Pompeii”
-   Page 35-38 BBC “Pompeii the Last day”


Thanks again for the help!  ;D

No worries! Since ancient marking isn't too busy I can usually get to them quite quickly haha :)

Thanks for clarifying the structure! That's all good then :) I really like your points on the amphitheatre, but maybe try and squeeze in some more info on the Villa of Papyri first :) Then if you have enough room defs include it!

Susie
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Re: Ancient History Essay Marking Thread
« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2017, 08:09:11 pm »
No worries! Since ancient marking isn't too busy I can usually get to them quite quickly haha :)

Thanks for clarifying the structure! That's all good then :) I really like your points on the amphitheatre, but maybe try and squeeze in some more info on the Villa of Papyri first :) Then if you have enough room defs include it!

Susie

Hey Susie,
I fixed up the paragraph on leisure activities (attached), would be great to get some feedback.  :)
Once again I'm still over my word limit now that I have added this paragraph, which means trying to add the other point on the amphitheater is going to be a struggle. So do you think I should make sure that this paragraph on leisure activities makes it in or my other point about the amphitheater?
Personally I think that my point on the amphitheater is maybe a little stronger however if I do include it in my essay it would mean that my essay would be unbalanced, focusing more on the amphitheater, what are your thoughts? 

Also your edits from before were awesome, I was able to cut out so many unnecessary statements  ;D
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Re: Ancient History Essay Marking Thread
« Reply #9 on: April 05, 2017, 08:16:34 pm »
Hey Susie,
I fixed up the paragraph on leisure activities (attached), would be great to get some feedback.  :)
Once again I'm still over my word limit now that I have added this paragraph, which means trying to add the other point on the amphitheater is going to be a struggle. So do you think I should make sure that this paragraph on leisure activities makes it in or my other point about the amphitheater?
Personally I think that my point on the amphitheater is maybe a little stronger however if I do include it in my essay it would mean that my essay would be unbalanced, focusing more on the amphitheater, what are your thoughts? 

Also your edits from before were awesome, I was able to cut out so many unnecessary statements  ;D

Oh, i forgot to include a concluding statement. I was thinking of saying this at the end of that paragraph:
These examples offer an insight into the nature of Roman leisure activities, more specifically those taken part by the Roman elite.
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sudodds

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Re: Ancient History Essay Marking Thread
« Reply #10 on: April 05, 2017, 08:50:07 pm »
Hey Susie,
I fixed up the paragraph on leisure activities (attached), would be great to get some feedback.  :)
Once again I'm still over my word limit now that I have added this paragraph, which means trying to add the other point on the amphitheater is going to be a struggle. So do you think I should make sure that this paragraph on leisure activities makes it in or my other point about the amphitheater?
Personally I think that my point on the amphitheater is maybe a little stronger however if I do include it in my essay it would mean that my essay would be unbalanced, focusing more on the amphitheater, what are your thoughts? 

Also your edits from before were awesome, I was able to cut out so many unnecessary statements  ;D

Hey! Sure thing :)

Spoiler
The villa is a valuable source of information related to leisure activities in the Roman world. Nice, clear judgment :) As pointed out suggested by Hadrill, “It is the owner and his social activity that [is] framed by the decoration [of his villa],” therefore by investigating the ‘decoration’ within a villa an understanding of social and leisure activities in the Roman world is acquired. Great integration of a quote. Located within the Villa a fragment of a wall painting depicting four ducks hung above two antelopes was found. The antelopes are still alive, and their hooves have been tied suggesting that they have been caught in a hunting trip. I feel like you could cut a lot out in the previous two sentences. Just say something like "A wall painting depicting what is believed to be the hunting of two antelopes" Such scenes related to hunting are common in the wall-paintings of Herculaneum and Pompeii, thus revealing the popularity of hunting as a leisure activity and more specifically the nature of hunting and types of animals within Campania. In the north-western section of the Villa a private swimming pool was uncovered. Herculaneum was home to two public bathing complexes 5 and therefore this discovery highlights the popularity of swimming and bathing in the Roman world, whereby the owner desired to have his own facility. Thus, these examples offer an insight into the nature of Roman leisure activities, more specifically those taken part by the Roman elite.

Another great paragraph Maraos!
In my opinion, the balance between the public and private houses is probably more important, so I'd be inclined to include this paragraph over another exploring the amphitheatre. However, if you think your next point on the amphitheatre is really strong, and you really want to include it, maybe sacrifice one of your other points on the amphitheatre? Its really up to you :) Either way, if i were you I would be feeling quite confident handing this in :)

Great work!

Susie
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Re: Ancient History Essay Marking Thread
« Reply #11 on: April 05, 2017, 08:56:57 pm »
Hey! Sure thing :)

Spoiler
The villa is a valuable source of information related to leisure activities in the Roman world. Nice, clear judgment :) As pointed out suggested by Hadrill, “It is the owner and his social activity that [is] framed by the decoration [of his villa],” therefore by investigating the ‘decoration’ within a villa an understanding of social and leisure activities in the Roman world is acquired. Great integration of a quote. Located within the Villa a fragment of a wall painting depicting four ducks hung above two antelopes was found. The antelopes are still alive, and their hooves have been tied suggesting that they have been caught in a hunting trip. I feel like you could cut a lot out in the previous two sentences. Just say something like "A wall painting depicting what is believed to be the hunting of two antelopes" Such scenes related to hunting are common in the wall-paintings of Herculaneum and Pompeii, thus revealing the popularity of hunting as a leisure activity and more specifically the nature of hunting and types of animals within Campania. In the north-western section of the Villa a private swimming pool was uncovered. Herculaneum was home to two public bathing complexes 5 and therefore this discovery highlights the popularity of swimming and bathing in the Roman world, whereby the owner desired to have his own facility. Thus, these examples offer an insight into the nature of Roman leisure activities, more specifically those taken part by the Roman elite.

Another great paragraph Maraos!
In my opinion, the balance between the public and private houses is probably more important, so I'd be inclined to include this paragraph over another exploring the amphitheatre. However, if you think your next point on the amphitheatre is really strong, and you really want to include it, maybe sacrifice one of your other points on the amphitheatre? Its really up to you :) Either way, if i were you I would be feeling quite confident handing this in :)

Great work!

Susie
Thanks so much for all the help and feedback ;D

I honestly get too attached to my paragraphs to let them go hahaha (they are like children to me  ;D),  I might ask my teacher tomorrow about his opinion on the paragraph, but yeah you are right about making sure it's balanced

I'll let you know how I go  :)
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Re: Ancient History Essay Marking Thread
« Reply #12 on: April 05, 2017, 09:05:28 pm »
Thanks so much for all the help and feedback ;D

I honestly get too attached to my paragraphs to let them go hahaha (they are like children to me  ;D),  I might ask my teacher tomorrow about his opinion on the paragraph, but yeah you are right about making sure it's balanced

I'll let you know how I go  :)

Hahaha I know the feeling, but in the end you just gotta be brutal. Definitely have a chat with your teacher and see what he thinks! If he says something different to what I have been saying and suggests keeping the paragraph then go with his advice as he is going to be the one marking this assessment :)

Susie
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Re: Ancient History Essay Marking Thread
« Reply #13 on: July 13, 2017, 05:42:02 pm »
Hi Susie,

I'm trying to write an intro for my essay for Greek World:500-440 BC (attached)

I'm not sure if I'm on the right path.

Thank you!!!
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Re: Ancient History Essay Marking Thread
« Reply #14 on: July 13, 2017, 08:20:40 pm »
Hi Susie,

I'm trying to write an intro for my essay for Greek World:500-440 BC (attached)

I'm not sure if I'm on the right path.

Thank you!!!

Hey beatek! My comments can be found in the spoiler below :)

Spoiler
(a) Evaluate the causes of conflict between the Greeks and the Persians in this period.

The Greco-Persian conflict was initiated from a number of reasons, such as the Persian expansion, the Ionian revolt and the Battle of Marathon. Not too big of a fan of this judgement structurally - I feel like there is a bit too much going on, I feel like this would be more suited near the end of your introduction, when you outline what each paragraph will cover. What I want to see from your judgement is for you to extrapolate the themes and issues - what is a defining feature that unites all of those reasons? These reasons "these reasons" sounds a tad clunky - consider rephrasing. have led up to the events of the Greco-Persian wars during this period and developed hostility between the two groups be mindful of grammar and tenses, this sentence was a little bit confusing to read. It is important that again, be careful of grammar The actions of Aristagoras and Mardonius have certainly maybe 'further' rather than certainly? aggravated the Greeks which made persuading? I think you could use a more sophisticated word here. them to participate in the first and second invasion of the Persians in Greece. However, the great Greek victory has allowed for the development of the Athenian democracy, dramatically changing Athens during this period. Thus the events of the Persian expansion, the Ionian revolt and the Battle of Marathon has certainly impacted rather than "certainly impacted", maybe say "were highly significant to?" - though I'm still not sure if I like this as a thesis the Greek and Persian society.

Can I ask what your arguments were going to be per paragraph? I feel as though this introduction is perhaps a bit too narrative (ie. just listing events), however as I haven't studied this unit I want to make sure :) Either way, what each paragraph is going to be on needs to be clearer through the intro. Other than that I think my major piece of feedback is to watch your grammar and sentence structure!

Hope this helps :)

Susie
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