How Should Schools Address Bullying? PLEASE READ AND GIVE FEEDBACK THANKS

[Vrushank]

HI GUYS, I'M TRYING TO GET INTO MELBOURNE HIGH, CAN PEOPLE PLEASE READ THROUGH THIS AND GIVE ME FEEDBACK! THANKS IN ADVANCE!!!!


Bullying in the modern world is swiftly rising. In some schools, bullies are certainly not dealt fairly with. Bullies can easily and anonymously get away with their convicted 'crime.' Although 'crime' is an extremely harsh word to describe bullies as, bullying is definitely as worse as a crime. Bullying can impact the way a student learns in school. Bullying to an absurd degree can also get the thought of suicide into the victim's mind.

Firstly, all schools encourage their students to work hard and put in their maximum effort into their work, but repeatedly allowing bullying can severely impact the way a child learns. Working hard, and striving for success can be exceptionally difficult when bullies are constantly harassing children. Children stress more, and just can not think about class and work. Bullying must be prevented by immediately contacting the bullies parents and informing them about the severe damage they have inflicted on a child, or else the child can lose focus on school work and will be scarred which can lead to suicide.

In addition, bullying to a seriously high degree can lead to the victim committing suicide. Too much bullying which should never be allowed anyway can lead to the self termination of the victim. School principals must personally have a chat with the bully, reminding them about the consequences bullying has. If bullying still continues, the bully must be suspended or expelled (depending on the seriousness of the issue). Bullying must stop now, because if not now, the victim will not have a later.

To conclude, bullying has no place in any school and must be sternly dealt with if it happens, as bullying can impact the way a child learns and ruin their future, and it can also lead to suicide. So stop the bullying and deal with the bullies fairly.

THIS IS DONE IN 15 MINUTES, ONCE AGAIN CAN SOMEONE PLEASE COMMENT ABOUT THIS AND BE 100% HONEST! THANKS

[jz27]

HI GUYS, I'M TRYING TO GET INTO MELBOURNE HIGH, CAN PEOPLE PLEASE READ THROUGH THIS AND GIVE ME FEEDBACK! THANKS IN ADVANCE!!!!


Bullying in the modern world is swiftly rising. In some schools, bullies are certainly not dealt fairly with. Bullies can easily and anonymously get away with their convicted 'crime.' Although 'crime' is an extremely harsh word to describe bullies as, bullying is definitely as worse as a crime. Bullying can impact the way a student learns in school. Bullying to an absurd degree can also get the thought of suicide into the victim's mind.

Firstly, all schools encourage their students to work hard and put in their maximum effort into their work, but repeatedly allowing bullying can severely impact the way a child learns. Working hard, and striving for success can be exceptionally difficult when bullies are constantly harassing children. Children stress more, and just can not think about class and work. Bullying must be prevented by immediately contacting the bullies parents and informing them about the severe damage they have inflicted on a child, or else the child can lose focus on school work and will be scarred which can lead to suicide.

In addition, bullying to a seriously high degree can lead to the victim committing suicide. Too much bullying which should never be allowed anyway can lead to the self termination of the victim. School principals must personally have a chat with the bully, reminding them about the consequences bullying has. If bullying still continues, the bully must be suspended or expelled (depending on the seriousness of the issue). Bullying must stop now, because if not now, the victim will not have a later.

To conclude, bullying has no place in any school and must be sternly dealt with if it happens, as bullying can impact the way a child learns and ruin their future, and it can also lead to suicide. So stop the bullying and deal with the bullies fairly.

THIS IS DONE IN 15 MINUTES, ONCE AGAIN CAN SOMEONE PLEASE COMMENT ABOUT THIS AND BE 100% HONEST! THANKS

CONVICTED CRIME?? Doesn't flow. DON'T USE: Firstly, in addition or To conclude. I would steer away from that. Suicide is too extreme. "The victim will not have a later. DOESN'T FLOW. Used Suicide as linking sentence in 2nd paragraph and as a topic in third??? BULLYING IS WORSE THAN CRIME? TOO MUCH EXAGGERATION. SO BULLYING IS BETTER THAN MURDERING??

GOOD POINTS:
Good use of synonyms
Good use of language

[GalacticProcess]

HI GUYS, I'M TRYING TO GET INTO MELBOURNE HIGH, CAN PEOPLE PLEASE READ THROUGH THIS AND GIVE ME FEEDBACK! THANKS IN ADVANCE!!!!


Bullying in the modern world is swiftly rising. In some schools, bullies are certainly not dealt fairly with. Bullies can easily and anonymously get away with their convicted 'crime.' Although 'crime' is an extremely harsh word to describe bullies as, bullying is definitely as worse as a crime. Bullying can impact the way a student learns in school. Bullying to an absurd degree can also get the thought of suicide into the victim's mind.

Firstly, all schools encourage their students to work hard and put in their maximum effort into their work, but repeatedly allowing bullying can severely impact the way a child learns. Working hard, and striving for success can be exceptionally difficult when bullies are constantly harassing children. Children stress more, and just can not think about class and work. Bullying must be prevented by immediately contacting the bullies parents and informing them about the severe damage they have inflicted on a child, or else the child can lose focus on school work and will be scarred which can lead to suicide.

In addition, bullying to a seriously high degree can lead to the victim committing suicide. Too much bullying which should never be allowed anyway can lead to the self termination of the victim. School principals must personally have a chat with the bully, reminding them about the consequences bullying has. If bullying still continues, the bully must be suspended or expelled (depending on the seriousness of the issue). Bullying must stop now, because if not now, the victim will not have a later.

To conclude, bullying has no place in any school and must be sternly dealt with if it happens, as bullying can impact the way a child learns and ruin their future, and it can also lead to suicide. So stop the bullying and deal with the bullies fairly.

THIS IS DONE IN 15 MINUTES, ONCE AGAIN CAN SOMEONE PLEASE COMMENT ABOUT THIS AND BE 100% HONEST! THANKS

Hey mate!
Essay is pretty good for 15 minutes. Just wanted to say that the points you outlined in your introduction aren't the ones you discussed in the paragraphs. I would advise for you to stay consistent. The topic was "How should schools handle bullying" and so I think the aim of your essay should be to persuade the reader how a school should handle bullying. What you wrote in the intro was stating the impacts of bullying on the victim.

I just wanted to say: Steve Smith is rubbish. Nah he's good but Virat Kohli is better. C'mon man you're Indian, be loyal! haha I'm kidding.   

[Jonodabeast]

Hey Vrushank!
For 15min this is a fairly decent essay but in my opinion the second body paragraph is completely irrelevant and comparing bullying to crime is a bit exaggerated but this is just my opinion. Remember to stay on topic next time xD