How do you know you're in love?

[Bri MT]

"Love" seems to be a social construct focused around two main ideas:
-Wanting to protect and enhance the well being of the object even to the significant detriment of oneself; and,
-Wanting to be around/involved with the object

It is very open to interpretation, and there are a myriad of views on the relative importance, and the extent, of each condition required. Therefore, due to people having different criteria (probably some quite different to the ideas proposed here), the threshold at which the criteria are reached and someone is "in love" will be different between individuals.

Disclaimer: I am very. very, very far removed from being an expert on this topic.

[tashhhaaa]

I think if you have to ask whether you've been in love or if you currently are then you're probably not.

But I'm not qualified to speak about it since I haven't been and I have no desire to either. I'm sort of paraphrasing what Elyse said but I've always been of the view that I can't love or be loved by someone else in that way until I'm sure of who I am, what I want and I've fulfilled my own goals.
The only love I feel capable of isn't the romantic kind but the familial one. Whenever I think of my future I can't seem to think of sharing it so intimately with anyone else, because I know a lot of other things fulfil me. I'm a bit weird in that sense because I have never once even wanted to be 'in love' which is why I say that, but romantic relationships are of course normal, healthy and fulfilling

I may have missed it but I noticed everyone spoke of love as being 'in love' with a person. No, I don't mean we should have romantic feelings for objects or animals but I think that intense feeling shouldn't solely be associated with romance? Eg. some people are extremely passionate about a hobby like sport or their job or something else. I feel like non-romantic types of love are the only kind I'll ever know

Although if this ever happens

When I care about someone as much as I care about my dog then I'll know I'm in love

then something might be happening lol. My dog is the only real example I could use. She's sick and I look after her on my own, getting nothing in return but the possibility that she cares about me too. Even if she didn't, I'd still care for her. It will only get harder as she deteriorates but the loyalty and affection she can offer is enough. If I grow to care that much about a person that wasn't family then maybe I'd be interested in romance but at this stage idk if I'll ever be

[elysepopplewell]

Update: I began the book I bought. Alain de Botton's Essays in Love.

It's an EXCELLENT book! I'm only 80 pages in but I've worked out that I'm a Marxist when it comes to love, which is really odd because I never would have picked that. Basically, the book is saying everyone experiences and knows love differently, which is what we've explored this entire thread. But he makes really good points of recognising that some people will be triggered to recognise their love, or the love they share, by specific things.

For example, he's explored the idea of beauty. Some people will fall in love with beauty and then dig deeper to fall in love with everything behind it. Whereas other people will fall in love with the inside of a person, and will come to love their presence and their appearance as an after fact, and that's when they recognise love. So, in the book, he falls in love with someone who he thinks is cute but not gobsmackingly beautiful (not a spoiler, this happens in the first chapter). But he comes to realise her gap tooth is symbolic of the unconventionality she presents in her approach to living that he admires so much, and her freckles reflect her vivaciousness, and her watery eyes remind him of her delicate heart in conflict...so he's realised that he loved her personality first, and wasn't WOWed by her appearance although he never was offended by it either, but when he realised he was in love and that it was time to tell her that, it coincided with him realising that her beauty is more than a facade, but mirror to the parts of her that he loves.

Really! Loving! This! Book!

[TheCommando]

And how do u get in with someone who u dont really talk to

[lyoko]

Update: I began the book I bought. Alain de Botton's Essays in Love.

It's an EXCELLENT book! I'm only 80 pages in but I've worked out that I'm a Marxist when it comes to love, which is really odd because I never would have picked that. Basically, the book is saying everyone experiences and knows love differently, which is what we've explored this entire thread. But he makes really good points of recognising that some people will be triggered to recognise their love, or the love they share, by specific things.

For example, he's explored the idea of beauty. Some people will fall in love with beauty and then dig deeper to fall in love with everything behind it. Whereas other people will fall in love with the inside of a person, and will come to love their presence and their appearance as an after fact, and that's when they recognise love. So, in the book, he falls in love with someone who he thinks is cute but not gobsmackingly beautiful (not a spoiler, this happens in the first chapter). But he comes to realise her gap tooth is symbolic of the unconventionality she presents in her approach to living that he admires so much, and her freckles reflect her vivaciousness, and her watery eyes remind him of her delicate heart in conflict...so he's realised that he loved her personality first, and wasn't WOWed by her appearance although he never was offended by it either, but when he realised he was in love and that it was time to tell her that, it coincided with him realising that her beauty is more than a facade, but mirror to the parts of her that he loves.

Really! Loving! This! Book!

Whoa, that's actually so true! Some people will first find someone 'attractive' based on physical appearance than dig deeper while others it's the reverse. This book has just been added to my summer reading list

Thank-you elysepopplewell  for the recommendation

[vox nihili]

Update: I began the book I bought. Alain de Botton's Essays in Love.

It's an EXCELLENT book! I'm only 80 pages in but I've worked out that I'm a Marxist when it comes to love, which is really odd because I never would have picked that. Basically, the book is saying everyone experiences and knows love differently, which is what we've explored this entire thread. But he makes really good points of recognising that some people will be triggered to recognise their love, or the love they share, by specific things.

For example, he's explored the idea of beauty. Some people will fall in love with beauty and then dig deeper to fall in love with everything behind it. Whereas other people will fall in love with the inside of a person, and will come to love their presence and their appearance as an after fact, and that's when they recognise love. So, in the book, he falls in love with someone who he thinks is cute but not gobsmackingly beautiful (not a spoiler, this happens in the first chapter). But he comes to realise her gap tooth is symbolic of the unconventionality she presents in her approach to living that he admires so much, and her freckles reflect her vivaciousness, and her watery eyes remind him of her delicate heart in conflict...so he's realised that he loved her personality first, and wasn't WOWed by her appearance although he never was offended by it either, but when he realised he was in love and that it was time to tell her that, it coincided with him realising that her beauty is more than a facade, but mirror to the parts of her that he loves.

Really! Loving! This! Book!

And here you said you weren't ready to fall in love :p

And how do u get in with someone who u dont really talk to

Talk to them is always a good start

[lyoko]

Talk to them is always a good start

I agree. Talking is a good start, but don't exactly force the conversation to last, if that make sense. It should be natural, or as close to natural as possible. Good luck!
DISCLAIMER: I am no love expert nor guru, just an individual who is sharing their experiences.

[EEEEEEP]

I was only 9 years, I loved shrek. I had all the merchandise,  books and movies. My devotion to shrek is endless.  Shrek gives me warmth and comfort.

Shrek Is Love, Shrek Is Life

[Calebark]

For example, he's explored the idea of beauty. Some people will fall in love with beauty and then dig deeper to fall in love with everything behind it. Whereas other people will fall in love with the inside of a person, and will come to love their presence and their appearance as an after fact, and that's when they recognise love. So, in the book, he falls in love with someone who he thinks is cute but not gobsmackingly beautiful (not a spoiler, this happens in the first chapter). But he comes to realise her gap tooth is symbolic of the unconventionality she presents in her approach to living that he admires so much, and her freckles reflect her vivaciousness, and her watery eyes remind him of her delicate heart in conflict...so he's realised that he loved her personality first, and wasn't WOWed by her appearance although he never was offended by it either, but when he realised he was in love and that it was time to tell her that, it coincided with him realising that her beauty is more than a facade, but mirror to the parts of her that he loves.

I actually saw a Futurama meme -- one of those 'can't tell if [...] or just [...]' one --  a few years ago that describes it. I bring this up because it's such a casual throwaway line on such a casual medium, but perhaps shows that this is a more common attitude to hold than we realise.

Anyway, the line was: can't tell if she finds me funny because I'm cute or finds me cute because I'm funny

Never thought I'd see someone so eloquently describe a similar concept though -- perhaps I should try the book too

[elysepopplewell]

I actually saw a Futurama meme -- one of those 'can't tell if [...] or just [...]' one --  a few years ago that describes it. I bring this up because it's such a casual throwaway line on such a casual medium, but perhaps shows that this is a more common attitude to hold than we realise.

Anyway, the line was: can't tell if she finds me funny because I'm cute or finds me cute because I'm funny

Never thought I'd see someone so eloquently describe a similar concept though -- perhaps I should try the book too

The chapter on beauty opens:
"Does love give birth to beauty, or does beauty give birth to love?"

[elysepopplewell]

And then my book said,

"Perhaps it is true that we do not really exist until there is someone there to see us existing, we cannot properly speak until there is someone there who can understand what we are saying, in essence, we are not wholly alive until we are loved."

!!! !! !!!!!!! !!! The DRAMAAA !!!!! !!!

The answers, people, are in this book.

In my earlier posts I remarked that how could someone totally love me, and if they said they did I'd say I don't believe them, when I do not know my full self, so how can they know my full self? They mustn't, therefore they think they're in love but what they really are is in for a shock.

In saying this, I have talked to someone who insisted he really liked me, but I figured he just must like the idea of me because I've never told him the things you'd need to know about someone before committing to really liking them. So I told him exactly that, you don't even really know me. And then he proceeded to list a whole lot of my mannerisms that I didn't really know I had, but I definitely have. Now obviously someone being observant doesn't mean they love you, but in relation to the quote above: maybe my existence isn't waiting for me to confirm and dictate it entirely myself, but maybe I actually need the voice of this second person to help me understand myself... But this second person isn't just any old Larry, this second person is someone who loves me, for they see parts of me that I've never noticed, but their admiration for me certainly has.

So the order is changed. Instead of me working out who I am and everything about myself first, maybe this person will bring parts of me to me, and the love will work in the reverse. The person will be an accelerant of me understanding myself, instead of me understanding myself before being in love.

Are you all speaking ma language??? Am I the only shook one?

[katie,rinos]

Elyse-You have almost convinced me to read this book now!! Kinda wary since I don't like Art of Travel which is written by him. But this sounds really interesting. 
Probably after the HSC (I tried to read a book in the holidays and am only on 200 pages-normally I was able to read a whole book in a weekend).

[elysepopplewell]

Elyse-You have almost convinced me to read this book now!! Kinda wary since I don't like Art of Travel which is written by him. But this sounds really interesting. 
Probably after the HSC (I tried to read a book in the holidays and am only on 200 pages-normally I was able to read a whole book in a weekend).

Did you find him pretentious in Art of Travel? I flicked through that book and put it on my instagram story and Emily messaged saying "Don't waste your time!!!!" and I thought he sounded a bit pretentious. But here, it's completely different. You've never read someone more completely in control of their feelings, so in touch with emotions. Really clear...really raw

[katie,rinos]

Did you find him pretentious in Art of Travel? I flicked through that book and put it on my instagram story and Emily messaged saying "Don't waste your time!!!!" and I thought he sounded a bit pretentious. But here, it's completely different. You've never read someone more completely in control of their feelings, so in touch with emotions. Really clear...really raw

Yeah. So i've never really travelled a lot (i've only ever been to NSW and QLD), and when I have I mainly go camping with my family (I have six people in my family-three younger siblings). So, to me travelling anywhere overseas would be amazing. So, some of his points I just could not relate to at all because I haven't been on a plane since I was little.
However, De Botton complains about everything. He went to Barbados and then writes about how it wasn't as nice as the brochure. I couldn't get into his writing style and the book took forever for me to finish (my teacher suggested that my class read it again and that's probably not going to happen). He spoke as if he was a huge expert on the topic-which just annoyed me.
Really interested to read his essays on love now-hoping I enjoy it better then Art of Travel. Might try to read it after Trials.

[elysepopplewell]

I'm sure most of us understand you...so in a way most of us love you...you are a valuable part of AtarNotes...and your advice is amazing

How sweet prickles! I love ATAR Notes so much

Yeah. So i've never really travelled a lot (i've only ever been to NSW and QLD), and when I have I mainly go camping with my family (I have six people in my family-three younger siblings). So, to me travelling anywhere overseas would be amazing. So, some of his points I just could not relate to at all because I haven't been on a plane since I was little.
However, De Botton complains about everything. He went to Barbados and then writes about how it wasn't as nice as the brochure. I couldn't get into his writing style and the book took forever for me to finish (my teacher suggested that my class read it again and that's probably not going to happen). He spoke as if he was a huge expert on the topic-which just annoyed me.
Really interested to read his essays on love now-hoping I enjoy it better then Art of Travel. Might try to read it after Trials.

You could smash this one out in a weekend!


I will continue to be amazed by the truths of this book and will report back with more.