Hey, can someone mark my language analysis please-vcaa2014

[manishmao]

I'm very nervous since this is the first time posting an essay for others to read. Be as harsh as you want. Tried the 2014 Section C language analysis and took 75 mins Would be very grateful for some constructive criticism. Thanks.

Here is the link to the exam
http://www.vcaa.vic.edu.au/Documents/exams/english/2014/2014english-w.pdf

[Willba99]

Hey,
Well done posting an essay to mark!

First things first - I'm only a Year 12, so anything I say should be taken with a grain of salt. Just because I don't agree with something doesn't mean the assessors won't either. Also, as you're clearly a competent essay writer, I tried to point out most things that I saw. Please don't think I'm attacking you, I'm just trying to help out 

This is a solid attempt at an essay. Here's a few of my comments:

1. You demonstrate a clear understanding of the arguments used and the reasons behind their use.
2. However, you forget to explain the effect on the audience, meaning that your paragraphs become long lists of techniques and explanation. All you need to do is add an "and therefore the reader supports Yergon's contention" (obviously not this simple) at the end of each technique to explain how the reader is swayed and what they are consequently likely to do/think/feel.
3. To help you do this, you need to specify the target audience in your introduction. The particular group targeted, be it defined by age, income, gender, job, etc., will all be affected differently, and discussing this shows a deeper understanding
3. You used heaps of quotes which basically forces you to stay honest and close to the text. Great! Personally, I don't think you have to start quotes with a capital letter, but I might be wrong - if your teacher has told you to start with a capital then start with a capital.
4. I think conclusions are super helpful in AA if there's more than one piece, as it allows you to compare the two and comment on the overall effect on the reader. Obviously time becomes a factor but even two or three sentences can (i feel) really tie a essay together

Overall, really strong essay. Keep posting them as you continue to revise!

[manishmao]

Thanks for the feedback Wilba! Ile try to take heed of your advice in my next attempt 

[ellellen]

I know it can be so nerve-wracking to post a practice essay online, so well done! I just have a few pieces of feedback to give

What you did well:
- the intro is really well-written and structured very nicely! Try and follow this same format for future responses!!
- Good use of tone words, like saying Yergon talked in an "optimistic tone", and "Peter opens in a mildly sarcastic tone". These are great!
- Nice integration of the image involving the astronaut!!! Just next time, if there are multiple images, try and refer to all of them. So in this case, it would have been good to also try and analyse the Yergon's choice to include the image of the ship.
- The techniques you chose to analyse were good

Areas of improvement:
- Make sure that you proofread your work thoroughly. In your real exam make sure to try and leave 2-3 minutes at the end to read through your piece again. There were several spelling mistakes (spelling the author's name "Yuvette" instead of "Yvette"), as well as referring to Yvette as both "she" and "he". If you don't know the gender of the author, it's no big deal, but just be consistent with which gender you refer to them as.
- You switch between referring to the author by her first name and last name throughout the essay. Try to consistently refer to authors by their last names. So in this case, as Yergon and Laikis, rather than Yvette and Peter.
- When you introduce quotes they don't need to start with capital letters!!!
- Mention the images in your intro
- While the techniques you analyse within your paragraphs are good, try to structure your response so that each paragraph covers a particular theme. Your final paragraph is really good and very clearly structured around Peter Laikis' response, but just make sure that your other paragraphs all have one particular focus.
- Really try to write a conclusion. Even if you're running out of time, just try and write a one sentence conclusion that sums up what you're trying to say. For example, for this essay you could just have quickly written something like "Overall, Yergon argues [Yergon's argument], aiming this argument at [target audience], aiming to make them believe/act/feel [something]. In contrast, Laikis states that [Laikis' view], aiming this argument at [target audience], in order to get them to believe/act/feel [something]."


Overall, I think this is a really good attempt! I wouldn't worry about taking 75 minutes. You've still got a while until the exam, and at this stage it's okay to still just be trying to write the best responses you can. Cutting down on the time you take can come after you've done a few more practice responses. Just keep doing practice exams and you'll continue to improve

[manishmao]

Thanks so much for the feedback Ellen^2 (And again Wilbaa) Will keep this in mind for my next attempt