Essay peer feedback

[Henry Kocatekin]

Is anyone doing Module C: People and Politics, Brave New World.

[justwannawish]

Is anyone doing Module C: People and Politics, Brave New World.

Not for the HSC but have studied it in the past. And have notes of the course from my friends at different schools so should be able to help

TBH I disliked it, since my teacher did hate it as well and we ended up rushing it lol
Stuffed up my essay for it too and it was such a straightforward assessment

[Lumenoria]

Any thoughts on the introduction written?

Question: The process of discovery can be a complex one and can lead to a significant change.

Discuss this statement with reference to your prescribed text and ONE text of your own choosing.

The process of discovery is not subject to a simple outcome, but rather an amalgam of both, its physical and metaphysical counterparts. In particular, the complex nature of discovery leads to a significant change and transformation within the individual, revealing stark and often unexpected perspectives of themselves and the world they live in. This idea is exemplified through the physical and spiritual change of Che Guevara in his memoir, "The Motorcycle Diaries" (MCD) (2003), demonstrated by his change in modality. His exploration of the landscape and its revealing nature to discovery is further highlighted in Margaret Atwood's poem "Journey to the Interior" (JTTI), as the composer explores intricate relationships of discovery to the individual, suggested by the metaphysical stage of her own reflection, along with the physical description of the harsh Canadian landscape. By exploring how the spiritual and physical elements of discovery interlink, we as the contemporary audience can thus begin to understand the complexities o discovery as a concept, and through understanding, we can begin to reflect on how the process of such a concept lead us to renewed understandings of our own. In time, they then transform us as individuals.

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I feel like it's overly complex and long, since it's about 193 words. Should I try to cut down on what to include in my introduction?

I get what you're trying to convey, but I think your expression is overly verbose—unnecessarily complex. Consider simplifying your expression, because sometimes that actually is more effective than sophistication. While sophistication is definitely beneficial to have in an essay, you need to maintain a good balance between this and simplicity in order to maximise the potential of your work. At this point, I think your sophistication is so much to the point where it inhibits the clarity of your argument—what is often called "flowery language". Now, it's not too bad, but clean it up a tad. Moreover, the way you've worded it sounds like you're analysing techniques or something, which is not required in an introduction. Keep the argument sophisticated, but within general/concise terms in the introduction. You have all the time in the world to flesh out and delve into the depths of your thesis later on, in the body.

[Henry Kocatekin]

Module A: Richard III and Looking For Richard
HOW DO I MAKE THIS SHORTER?  !!!

To what extent have the connections you have made between the two texts shown how particular concerns, although timeless, impact differently on individuals in different contexts.

Composers share the purpose of wanting to entertain, so their portrayal of certain concerns and their positioning of the audience to view these concerns is context specific, even when the nature of the concerns themselves is timeless. With the purpose to affirm Elizabeth I and her family’s reign, William Shakespeare tarnishes the name of Richard III in his sixteenth century historical tragedy, King Richard III. He demonstrates how the Machiavellian rise to power of Richard III, focussing on his duplicitous nature, is immoral and therefore, appeasing commonly held contextual values, divine retribution is deserved. By contrast, Al Pacino has no political agenda in his 1996 docudrama Looking for Richard. Through method acting, he comes to appreciate Richard’s character as complex and due also to his American, secular audience, valuing the American Dream, portrays him as deeply flawed rather than evil. Further, the women of Richard III and Looking for Richard are portrayed as intelligent, recognising Richard’s malevolence, however, due to Shakespeare’s patriarchal context and Pacino’s reframing of the key themes, the women have limited power and effect upon their society.

[Potatohater]

Ok so I was just writing generic paragraphs for Mod A so I can gather my thoughts a little since my essays kinda display good ideas but not in a clear enough manner. How can I fix up this paragraph about mortality in The Great Gatsby?

The Great Gatsby was written while the aftermath of WW1 was still fresh in the minds of society. This influenced the portrayal of mortality through the modernist novel form. Modernism was a movement that portrayed the world as a hostile environment devoid of meaning, in which life was fragile and easily extinguished, resulting in the hedonism as people aimed to live life while they still could. Throughout the novel, yellow is used as a symbol of wealth as are cars, and thus is is no coincidence that the car that "violently extinguished" Myrtle's life is yellow, as this represents the disastrous consequences of the 1920's lifestyle. This idea is enhanced through the hyperbole "the holocaust was complete" which reveals the unnecessary quantity of deaths that occur as a result of the car crash, hence making a comment on society through the exploration of mortality. As a result of the numerous deaths and immoral societal attitudes, Nick is left hopeless, the first person statement "I usually find myself among strangers because I drift here and there trying to forget the sad things that happened to me." revealing a disheartened attitude to the world as a consequence of the hedonistic post WW1 context. Therefore the context of the piece greatly affects the exploration of mortality and society.

[Henry Kocatekin]

Not for the HSC but have studied it in the past. And have notes of the course from my friends at different schools so should be able to help

TBH I disliked it, since my teacher did hate it as well and we ended up rushing it lol
Stuffed up my essay for it too and it was such a straightforward assessment

Thank you for the offer.
Any suggestions are appreciated.
"Representation of the world, like the world itself, is the work of men; they describe it from their own point of view, which they confuse with the absolute truth.” Simone de Beauvoir. To what extent is this notion evident in the texts you have studied. Your response must refer to your prescribed text and at least ONE other text of your own choosing.

Composers represent the world and particular political values, dependent on their own personal values, in order to invite critique towards how those ideologies impact people and societies. They leave the ultimate decision up to the audience, rather than definitively sharing what they believe is absolute truth. Aldous Huxley’s 1932 dystopian novel, Brave New World, and Christophe Barratier’s 2006 French feature film, Les Choristes, don’t explicitly promote one political agenda, but rather suggest a balance of extremes. They also explore ramifications of political decisions on the nature of humanity, portrayed as opinions with no delusion that it’s absolute truth.