Essay peer feedback

[Potatohater]

I noticed some people wanting essay marking and feedback but don't have a high enough post count, and some suggestions that they should post them somwhere else for peer feedback - just thought this could be the place!
By getting peer feedback not only do your essays improve but we can also get ideas to improve ours and then we are all better off for it   

Hoping this actually takes off a little rather than flopping...

[justwannawish]

I noticed some people wanting essay marking and feedback but don't have a high enough post count, and some suggestions that they should post them somwhere else for peer feedback - just thought this could be the place!
By getting peer feedback not only do your essays improve but we can also get ideas to improve ours and then we are all better off for it   

Hoping this actually takes off a little rather than flopping...

Sounds like a great initiative. I'll be happy to chip in as well. Maybe we should start with introductions, or an body paragraph rather than an entire essay at once though!

[Potatohater]

Yeah good point, some essays might seem good seperated but a mess put together though but overall I agree with that, so it doesn't get overwhelming

[Lumenoria]

Yeah, this is such a good idea

[jamonwindeyer]

Really loving this guys - Peer to peer feedback is just as useful if not more useful than what we provide, and far more accessible - This is ultimately what we want essay marking on this site to be

We're going to be giving essay marking its own board in the HSC section very soon (this week, probably) so that every essay is in its own spot and to make it easier for you guys to contribute alongside Elyse and I - We think it will be a really positive change and excited to see you guys get involved

[Potatohater]

For module B, since there is only one text I feel like my intro is a little short. I just wrote one in exam conditions and this is what I came out with;

Question:
Explore how time and place are used in Shakespeare’s Hamlet to shape the audience’s
understanding of corruption.
In your response, make detailed reference to the play.

My Intro:
Shakespeare's work remains timeless due to the timeless values it explores. This is especially evident through his skilful manipulation of time and place o shape the audiences understanding f corruption in his work Hamlet. Through the close analysis of how context, setting and time are used within the play, the key idea of corruption is evident.

Looking back on it now as I type it up I realise I should answer the question more directly in the first sentence. I also, as mentioned earlier, feel it's a little short. What should I do to fix this?

[dancing phalanges]

For module B, since there is only one text I feel like my intro is a little short. I just wrote one in exam conditions and this is what I came out with;

Question:
Explore how time and place are used in Shakespeare’s Hamlet to shape the audience’s
understanding of corruption.
In your response, make detailed reference to the play.

My Intro:
Shakespeare's work remains timeless due to the timeless values it explores. This is especially evident through his skilful manipulation of time and place o shape the audiences understanding f corruption in his work Hamlet. Through the close analysis of how context, setting and time are used within the play, the key idea of corruption is evident.

Looking back on it now as I type it up I realise I should answer the question more directly in the first sentence. I also, as mentioned earlier, feel it's a little short. What should I do to fix this?

I did this practice question on Citizen Kane a bit ago: Explore how time and place are used in Welles’s Citizen Kane to shape the audience’s
understanding of the nature of ego. In my intro, I explained how time and place are used. So time generally being how Welles' effectively conveys how Kane's ego develops over time and how the effect of this is conveyed over time through his gradual isolation. I then interpreted place as Welles' use of setting, most notably the foreboding Xanadu as symbolic of both the product (wealth) and the consequence (isolation) of Kane's ego. So in effect, I don't know where my practice response is, but you can expand by explaining how time and place are used by Shakespeare eg. I probably wrote something like... In Citizen Kane, Welles effectively conveys the corrupting nature of Kane's ego through his gradual isolation over time. The consequence of this is illustrated by Welles through the place of Xanadu, which serves as a symbol of the product of Kane's ego - both his wealth and emotional emptiness. Hope that gives you an idea

[elysepopplewell]

Excellent initiative potatohater!

Giving peer feedback can be helpful to your own work in a lot of ways. You'll come across expressions that might inspire you to edit your own work to rephrase things, you see new styles of paragraph structures, and you're exposed to ideas outside of your own.

[paigek3]

Don't check the Adv boards too much because I completed it last year so I literally only just saw this - hope you don't mind but I had the same idea and did the same thing in the PDHPE forum (although it hasn't been too much of a hit of yet... ) before even seeing that you had done something similar first!

[Potatohater]

I did this practice question on Citizen Kane a bit ago: Explore how time and place are used in Welles’s Citizen Kane to shape the audience’s
understanding of the nature of ego. In my intro, I explained how time and place are used. So time generally being how Welles' effectively conveys how Kane's ego develops over time and how the effect of this is conveyed over time through his gradual isolation. I then interpreted place as Welles' use of setting, most notably the foreboding Xanadu as symbolic of both the product (wealth) and the consequence (isolation) of Kane's ego. So in effect, I don't know where my practice response is, but you can expand by explaining how time and place are used by Shakespeare eg. I probably wrote something like... In Citizen Kane, Welles effectively conveys the corrupting nature of Kane's ego through his gradual isolation over time. The consequence of this is illustrated by Welles through the place of Xanadu, which serves as a symbol of the product of Kane's ego - both his wealth and emotional emptiness. Hope that gives you an idea

Ahh ok, so in the body of the essay I talked about
1. How the context of the piece due to the great chain of being introduces the idea of an unbalanced world
2. That all the settings except the graveyard are within castle walls showing that corruption comes from within
3. The time of the apparitions at witching hour portrays the uncertainty of what is good and evil and linked this to corruption
4. Corruption as a whole (this paragraph was a bit of a mess though)
Should I have introduced the above ideas in the introduction more specifically rather than giving a general statement?

Don't check the Adv boards too much because I completed it last year so I literally only just saw this - hope you don't mind but I had the same idea and did the same thing in the PDHPE forum (although it hasn't been too much of a hit of yet... ) before even seeing that you had done something similar first!

Haha all good - great minds think alike!
When I saw you mention that in your HSC journey journal I was wondering if you were inspired by this one, but the complete coincidence is also cool.
It makes me wonder if setting one up for drama and geo, which don't currently have essay marking, is worth it too but not a lot of people use those boards at the moment.

[dancing phalanges]

Ahh ok, so in the body of the essay I talked about
1. How the context of the piece due to the great chain of being introduces the idea of an unbalanced world
2. That all the settings except the graveyard are within castle walls showing that corruption comes from within
3. The time of the apparitions at witching hour portrays the uncertainty of what is good and evil and linked this to corruption
4. Corruption as a whole (this paragraph was a bit of a mess though)
Should I have introduced the above ideas in the introduction more specifically rather than giving a general statement?

I would write for introducing time and place, something along the lines of (haven't  read Hamlet so might not be 100% right) Time is effectively used by Shakespeare through the apparitions at witching hour to portray the uncertainty of morality and associated corrupt nature of ambition. Similarly, the place in which the play is performed is predominantly within the castle walls, hence alluding to the idea that corruption is internally motivated.

I'm not entirely sure of how to link context as I am unfamiliar with it but hope that helps, i havent read hamlet so it might be off but went off what you said

[Potatohater]

I would write for introducing time and place, something along the lines of (haven't  read Hamlet so might not be 100% right) Time is effectively used by Shakespeare through the apparitions at witching hour to portray the uncertainty of morality and associated corrupt nature of ambition. Similarly, the place in which the play is performed is predominantly within the castle walls, hence alluding to the idea that corruption is internally motivated.

I'm not entirely sure of how to link context as I am unfamiliar with it but hope that helps, i havent read hamlet so it might be off but went off what you said

Wow, for someone who hasn't read Hamlet that's so good, just change ambition to revenge and that's better than anything I've written so far. Hopefully today I can write another one with these ideas in mind and try and adopt a more sophisticated tone. Thankyou!

[Opengangs]

Any thoughts on the introduction written?

Question: The process of discovery can be a complex one and can lead to a significant change.

Discuss this statement with reference to your prescribed text and ONE text of your own choosing.

The process of discovery is not subject to a simple outcome, but rather an amalgam of both, its physical and metaphysical counterparts. In particular, the complex nature of discovery leads to a significant change and transformation within the individual, revealing stark and often unexpected perspectives of themselves and the world they live in. This idea is exemplified through the physical and spiritual change of Che Guevara in his memoir, "The Motorcycle Diaries" (MCD) (2003), demonstrated by his change in modality. His exploration of the landscape and its revealing nature to discovery is further highlighted in Margaret Atwood's poem "Journey to the Interior" (JTTI), as the composer explores intricate relationships of discovery to the individual, suggested by the metaphysical stage of her own reflection, along with the physical description of the harsh Canadian landscape. By exploring how the spiritual and physical elements of discovery interlink, we as the contemporary audience can thus begin to understand the complexities o discovery as a concept, and through understanding, we can begin to reflect on how the process of such a concept lead us to renewed understandings of our own. In time, they then transform us as individuals.

---

I feel like it's overly complex and long, since it's about 193 words. Should I try to cut down on what to include in my introduction?

[Potatohater]

Any thoughts on the introduction written?

I think it is a bit complex but then again it also sounds so incredibly sophisticated. I'm a little confused by the phrasing of the first sentence though. I think the overall ideas presented are really interesting and intriguing, maybe find a simpler yet equally sophisticated way of saying it to deal with the length issue? Then again, it doesn't have to bee too much shorter, I reckon at least.

[angelahchan]

Any thoughts on the introduction written?

Question: The process of discovery can be a complex one and can lead to a significant change.

Discuss this statement with reference to your prescribed text and ONE text of your own choosing.

The process of discovery is not subject to a simple outcome, but rather an amalgam of both, its physical and metaphysical counterparts. In particular, the complex nature of discovery leads to a significant change and transformation within the individual, revealing stark and often unexpected perspectives of themselves and the world they live in. This idea is exemplified through the physical and spiritual change of Che Guevara in his memoir, "The Motorcycle Diaries" (MCD) (2003), demonstrated by his change in modality. His exploration of the landscape and its revealing nature to discovery is further highlighted in Margaret Atwood's poem "Journey to the Interior" (JTTI), as the composer explores intricate relationships of discovery to the individual, suggested by the metaphysical stage of her own reflection, along with the physical description of the harsh Canadian landscape. By exploring how the spiritual and physical elements of discovery interlink, we as the contemporary audience can thus begin to understand the complexities o discovery as a concept, and through understanding, we can begin to reflect on how the process of such a concept lead us to renewed understandings of our own. In time, they then transform us as individuals.

---

I feel like it's overly complex and long, since it's about 193 words. Should I try to cut down on what to include in my introduction?

I'm horrible at English, but if you're just concerned with cutting down I have a few suggestions on how. You could simplify your thesis for the individual texts a bit e.g. "demonstrated by his change in modality" (imo this one sounds too much like a technique but I've never read motorcycle diaries) or "suggested by the metaphysical stage of her own reflection, along with the physical description of the harsh Canadian landscape" ( mentioning the metaphysical/physical  aspects seems important, but the sentence seems a bit long). The last sentence can be merged with your second last sentence on effect on audience, but since it's so short i don't think it matters too much.  In the second last sentence you can probably simplify it if you want in terms of wording; small things like writing "audience" instead of "contemporary audience", or even "we can" instead of "we can as the contemporary audience thus" if you really wanna cut down.