AOS creative writing feedback

[Mada438]

Hey i was wondering if people could have a look at my creative piece and give me some feedback??
My question was: "Choose one of the images below as inspiration and create a piece of imaginative writing that represents the hopeful possibilites of discovery"
The picture i was used is included below:
Here's the story:
Gone
Long blonde hair, piercing green eyes, dimples on her cheeks and a nice smile. I beamed at the vivid image. I had to show mum right away!! I scurried down the hall screaming “Mum! Mum! Look what I made!” I thrust the piece of paper in her face. “Oh my, this looks beautiful” she said with a smile as she slowly pried it from my jittery hands. But after a few seconds, her smile faded. “What’s wrong?” I asked, noticing the tears in her eyes.
*****
Laughter. Shouting. The tiny reverberations through the earth as hundreds of feet pounded the grass. All around me, people were running, jumping and having fun. I looked around in envy. Everyone had friends to play with. Everyone was having so much fun. I sighed as I sat underneath a large, ancient pine tree on the edge of the playground. I didn’t want to look at everyone else having fun, so I turned to the tree and felt its surface. I traced my fingers along a spiral pattern etched into the bark of the tree. It looked beautiful, like a mosaic. It stood out from the rest of the tree whose rough surface felt weathered, from hundreds of years withstanding the elements. It stood alone, on the edge of the field. A lone pine.
I was pulled from my thoughts by a shrill, high pitched voice. “Why are you stroking that tree?” it asked in a mocking tone.  I turned and there was Betty Baker; the tallest, strongest and meanest girl in my year. “Why are you stroking that tree?” she repeated “Is it your new friend?”
Moving back I felt tears welling. “What’s the matter, upset that your only friend is a tree?” she jeered. I wanted to hit her so badly, but she was bigger and stronger.
“Where’s Jane? She was your only frie….” Betty didn’t have time to finish the next word. I charged at her, screaming with tears streaking down my cheeks. I hit her square in the face and she fell hitting the ground face first.
The next half an hour was a blur. I zoned out. Where’s Jane?, Where’s Jane?, Where’s Jane?. The question repeated in my head like a broken record. I was vaguely aware of a man sitting across from me, half shouting in angry voice, and half trying not to make me, little 10 year old break down in tears. When my mum came I ran to her and let out even more tears. When I finally calmed down, I asked sobbing “Mum, where is Jane?” She just looked at me. “Where is Jane?” I repeated raising my voice. She continued to look at me with an anguished expression “Jane is…” her voice trailed off
“MUMMY WHERE IS SHE?!” this time I screamed at the top of my lungs. I started kicking and punching the air. I hated mum for not telling me. All she did was sit with me, waiting for me to calm down with a pained look about her. She too, had tears.
*****
Mums hand quivered as she let the piece of paper drop slowly to the floor. I picked it up picturing Janes face in my mind. “Mummy, where is Jane?” hesitation filled the room until she got up and said “Come on Alice, we’re going for a drive”. After 10 minutes in silence I queried “Where are we going?”

“You’ll find out” mum replied with a blank expression and eyes that never looked away from the road. We finally came to a stop. Mum murmured “close your eyes, I’m going to show you something”. This time her face looked different, sorrow etched across her face. I closed my eyes and clasped her hand.
Jane Foster, it read. Born 21st January 2000, Died 14th April 2010. I sank to my knees in front of the grave. It was covered with white roses and daises. Mum gave me a bunch of white roses and I placed them at the head of the stone. I turned to mum and whispered “you told me she had gone away” I knew nothing about death. Only that when people went to this place, they never came back. Mum knelt down next to me and wrapped her arms around me. I sank into them whimpering “why? why? why?”
Finally, I looked up. There, behind the gravestone, stood a large pine tree. It looked just like the one at school, it had the same spiral mosaic pattern on it. It stood over Jane like a guardian, looking out for her. I planted a white rose next to its trunk.
This pine was different to the other one I’d seen. This one had friends. It watched over the spirits of the people lying beneath the earth. At the base of Jane’s patch of earth, I saw pine cones. I dug some holes and planted them around the tree. From death there is life. I looked up “So you can have more friends” I uttered in a hushed tone. So Jane would never be alone. 
Hope you enjoyed!
Any feedback you could give would be greatly appreciated
Thankyou!!
P.s if it wasn't obivious, the way my story connects to the picture is through the spiral mosaicy pattern in the picture is depicted on the tree

[Mada438]

Sorry guys, it wouldn't let me post the image! 

[elysepopplewell]

Hey Mada!

I really really enjoyed this piece. You've captured the chaos of a ten year old really well. You've managed to not dumb down your writing, but instead lifted the chaos so it really seems like the confused and energetic world of a ten year old. A few times, most notably in the introduction, there needs to be some adjustment to form to make sure you drop to a new line for a new speaker with dialogue. The story is emotive and it doesn't seem like a complete cliche with a death ending, because the tree motif really works well. I haven't watched Bridge to Terobithia since I was probably ten years old myself, but it reminded me of that a little. Energetic, happy, but struck by tragedy.
There are a few moments in the story where things don't add up to me. Is the image at the start, Jane? and the other part I can't work out is what is happening when Betty comes up to the protagonist, and then suddenly there's a whilrwind of events and then we're sitting in a room waiting for mum? That's the part I can't understand. I can't work out the link to spiralling down into panic about not having Jane anymore.

I hope this makes sense and you can use it to improve your story - which is already really great and I think you should be stoked with it for this early on in the year especially!

[Mada438]

Hey Mada!

I really really enjoyed this piece. You've captured the chaos of a ten year old really well. You've managed to not dumb down your writing, but instead lifted the chaos so it really seems like the confused and energetic world of a ten year old. A few times, most notably in the introduction, there needs to be some adjustment to form to make sure you drop to a new line for a new speaker with dialogue. The story is emotive and it doesn't seem like a complete cliche with a death ending, because the tree motif really works well. I haven't watched Bridge to Terobithia since I was probably ten years old myself, but it reminded me of that a little. Energetic, happy, but struck by tragedy.
There are a few moments in the story where things don't add up to me. Is the image at the start, Jane? and the other part I can't work out is what is happening when Betty comes up to the protagonist, and then suddenly there's a whilrwind of events and then we're sitting in a room waiting for mum? That's the part I can't understand. I can't work out the link to spiralling down into panic about not having Jane anymore.

I hope this makes sense and you can use it to improve your story - which is already really great and I think you should be stoked with it for this early on in the year especially!

Hey elyse
SO sorry for the late reply, i've been really over the past few days, and this is the first time i can sit down to address your questions
Here goes:
So the image at the beginning is in fact Jane. Alice subconciously created a picture of jane according to her memory of her. She just doesn't realise that she actually has done that right away (but she does later).
So pretty much the Betty incident can be explained like this: Jane has been missing for six months and Alice has no idea where she has gone. However, everyone else in Alice's grade (including Betty) also knows Jane has disappeared; but like Alice, none of the kids actually know she's died. It is implied that Jane was Alice's only friend in her grade, and so Betty is teasing her about 1: the fact that she has no friends left and 2: (being an extension of what i said before) that Jane is gone, and so she's all alone. This goes along with the fact that Alice doesnt actually know whats happened to her own friend. Her own friend didn't even tell her. After the teasing, Alice hits Betty and a teacher takes her away. It is implied that for the next half an hour (the "blur") she is sitting in the principals office being shouted at by the principal, until her mum arrives.

The panic then arises from the fact that Alice is reflecting on what Betty said is true, and she has no idea what has happened to Jane. So, she is motivated by curiousity to find out what happened to her, and so she turns to her mum for the answer.
At least, thats how i planned it to be viewed

Thankyou for the advice
I hope this answered your questions!!

[CyberScopes]

Hey elyse
SO sorry for the late reply, i've been really over the past few days, and this is the first time i can sit down to address your questions
Here goes:
So the image at the beginning is in fact Jane. Alice subconciously created a picture of jane according to her memory of her. She just doesn't realise that she actually has done that right away (but she does later).
So pretty much the Betty incident can be explained like this: Jane has been missing for six months and Alice has no idea where she has gone. However, everyone else in Alice's grade (including Betty) also knows Jane has disappeared; but like Alice, none of the kids actually know she's died. It is implied that Jane was Alice's only friend in her grade, and so Betty is teasing her about 1: the fact that she has no friends left and 2: (being an extension of what i said before) that Jane is gone, and so she's all alone. This goes along with the fact that Alice doesnt actually know whats happened to her own friend. Her own friend didn't even tell her. After the teasing, Alice hits Betty and a teacher takes her away. It is implied that for the next half an hour (the "blur") she is sitting in the principals office being shouted at by the principal, until her mum arrives.

The panic then arises from the fact that Alice is reflecting on what Betty said is true, and she has no idea what has happened to Jane. So, she is motivated by curiousity to find out what happened to her, and so she turns to her mum for the answer.
At least, thats how i planned it to be viewed

Thankyou for the advice
I hope this answered your questions!!

I like where youre going conceptually, but I believe your plot may be a bit too convoluted - the HSC markers will only read your story once (twice if need be) and if they cant understand it easily, they will generally just decide to deduct marks due to lack of clarity (was told this by my teacher who is a creative senior marker, I had to change a lot of my creative because of that )

[Mada438]

I like where youre going conceptually, but I believe your plot may be a bit too convoluted - the HSC markers will only read your story once (twice if need be) and if they cant understand it easily, they will generally just decide to deduct marks due to lack of clarity (was told this by my teacher who is a creative senior marker, I had to change a lot of my creative because of that )

Thanks for that due.
Where do you reckon i need to fix it??

[CyberScopes]

Thanks for that due.
Where do you reckon i need to fix it??

Reading it again properly this time, the plot does make sense to me. My only suggestion along with what Elyse said is to add more techniques to convey some events (eg. Instead of the "tallest, meanest and strongest" or "she was bigger and stronger" you could use imagery, like "she towered over me" or something like that). I would also suggest to minimise dialogue where possible since it makes the piece slightly more boring and removes opportunity for more emotive language.

[Mada438]

Do you guys recon that it works well with my stimulus "represents the 'hopeful' possibilities of discovery"