Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam

[hegihugo]

Waddup,

Story #2 (again from yesterday)
Prompt: You have done too much.
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I had spent years and in space, trying to look for another planet for my kind to move into. My team and I were on the brink of discovering it, all we needed to do was just modify our telescope. My whole crew were good men and women, who were the best mankind had to offer. They were willing too bet that they could find a planet soon. All except for one member.

Lieutenant James Daniels, my assistant, was a well accomplished man. Participating in over 100 other space exploration missions. This would be hist last, before he would retire. He had always wanted my job. Daniels was a shy, sleazy snake. That always had a hidden agenda. I personally found him to be quite nice to me, but I've heard many stories of how he had treated others.

After months of work on the telescope we had finally found the planet. However, we had to be sure it was okay for our kind to inhabit. Daniels and I exited the space craft. We brought the telescope outside with us. I noticed on this particular day that Daniels was especially erratic. As if he was a child finally after ages of escalation, got what he wants.

Daniels and I were looking around that particular solar system, when I noticed Daniels wasn't outside with me anymore. I looked for him everywhere but I couldn't find him. I finally noticed that the hitch where we had exited from was sealed shut. Daniels raspy voice was coming from my ear piece. "You have done too much, I was supposed to be the heroic explorer, who saved human kind." The radio, then cut off.

The number one rule that NASA told me, was in any circumstance to do not panic. At first I was okay, but I started to think about how small I was, how I wouldn't be saved. I could feel my throat constricting, There wasn't enough oxygen left for me. By that time the ship had already departed, I could feel my life slowly fading away. My only hope was a beacon, that would call life forms for help.

I set it off, and a few moments later I had passed out. Suddenly, I woke up. I could breath. I was safe, but I had to identify where I was I could breath without artificial air. I think I had discovered our new home.

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Thanks for reading,

Hugo

[zhen]

topic:
The haunted house..

As I jogged past an enthralling but spooky haunted house, I thought in my mind, "Hmmm, how strange. A random haunted house in the middle of a public park." I stopped to catch a breath, also thinking about the haunted house. "Maybe I'll go with Will next time.."

Exactly a week later, William and I walked steadily to where the eerie and solitary house stood. We were as eager as a beaver I feel like this sounds weird and doesn’t suit this creative, ready to take upon the haunted house. I realised that the steel gate was unlocked and went to open it. I courageously walked in first, enabling me to clearly see all the crimson blood stains on most of the shattered glass. Some good descriptions

When I reached the front wooden door of the haunted house, William asked me if I would do the honours of opening it. This is a just a preference for me. But, I feel like this has no purpose and you could just skip over it and it wouldn’t affect the story if you did. I like to avoid any unnecessary details that don’t add much to the description of the scenery or the story. I firmly placed my hand on the wooden doorknob where I could feel splinters. I turn my hand and pushed slowly. The door opened and we both walked in slowly. repetition The creaking door and wooden floorboards frightened the life out of me. The putrid smell of dead animals stunk my noses. Suddenly, the door behind me slammed closed. Instantly turning back, I realised that William wasn't there. As I swiftly opened the door, I found no one outside either.  There are some really good descriptions going on

Out of nowhere, I heard a sinister chuckle behind me. I turned ghastly and rapidly,  seeing William. How aghast albeit relieved I was was invokable. This sentence sounds really weird and off in my opinion

Overall, I think it’s a solid creative. I feel like adding a bit more description about the character and how they were reacting to the situation. Instead of saying that they were frightened, show it through description. For example, I’d say something like they took slow, tentative steps or their hands were trembling ever so slightly. Anyway, great work overall. 

Waddup,

Story #2 (again from yesterday)
Prompt: You have done too much.
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I had spent years and in space, trying to look for another planet for my kind to move into. My team and I were on the brink of discovering it, all we needed to do was just modify our telescope. My whole crew were good men and women, who were the best mankind had to offer. They were willing too bet that they could find a planet soon. All except for one member. You don’t need to spend so much time describing this type of thing. You ideally want to condense this.

Lieutenant James Daniels, my assistant, was a well accomplished man. Participating in over 100 other space exploration missions. This would be hist last, before he would retire. He had always wanted my job. Daniels was a shy, sleazy snake. That always had a hidden agenda. I personally found him to be quite nice to me, but I've heard many stories of how he had treated others.

After months of work on the telescope we had finally found the planet. However, we had to be sure it was okay for our kind to inhabit. Daniels and I exited the space craft. We brought the telescope outside with us. I noticed on this particular day that Daniels was especially erratic. As if he was a child finally after ages of escalation, got what he wants. Don’t just say that he was erratic. Show what made you think that he was acting weirdly. Was he muttering random things? Was he trembling? What made him seem erratic?

Daniels and I were looking around that particular solar system, when I noticed Daniels wasn't outside with me anymore. I looked for him everywhere but I couldn't find him. I finally noticed that the hitch where we had exited from was sealed shut. Daniels raspy voice was coming from my ear piece. "You have done too much, I was supposed to be the heroic explorer, who saved human kind." The radio, then cut off.

The number one rule that NASA told me, was in any circumstance to do not panic. At first I was okay, but I started to think about how small I was, how I wouldn't be saved. I could feel my throat constricting, There wasn't enough oxygen left for me. By that time the ship had already departed, I could feel my life slowly fading away. My only hope was a beacon, that would call life forms for help. I feel like a bit more detail needs to be put on this part. This is the really important climax of your creative, so try to add more detail to this part rather than adding it into the background information part.

I set it off, and a few moments later I had passed out. Suddenly, I woke up. I could breath. I was safe, but I had to identify where I was I could breath without artificial air. I think I had discovered our new home.

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Thanks for reading,

Hugo

It was overall an ok creative. The plot was good, but in my opinion you continue to focus on background information and not enough on the actual important parts of your creatives.

[TheSapaInca]

Overall, I think it’s a solid creative. I feel like adding a bit more description about the character and how they were reacting to the situation. Instead of saying that they were frightened, show it through description. For example, I’d say something like they took slow, tentative steps or their hands were trembling ever so slightly. Anyway, great work overall. 
It was overall an ok creative. The plot was good, but in my opinion you continue to focus on background information and not enough on the actual important parts of your creatives.

Thanks, I hope you had a great result in VCE too!

[TheSapaInca]

Topic:
The secret place ..

We had a wealthy ancestry living in an enormous mansion. Our lives were extremely prosperous and we were allowed to spoil ourselves whenever. It was like a dream come true for us.

One sunny day, my three younger sisters and I came in the front garden under a large weeping willow and decided to play hide and seek.  I wasn't "it" so I hurried back in the eloquent mansion, running up the wooden spiral staircase. I passed a few different rooms and ended up in my parents room.  As my parents were business tycoons, they were busy at meetings. Under the lit crystal chandelier, I hid behind the old-fashioned lavish curtains waiting to be found.

During my time behind the curtain, I realised that there was a door next to the wardrobe filled with clothes. Checking if anyone would arrive at the door, I stealthily crept towards the door and slowly opened it. I realised that it was dark and had no windows there. I turned the light switch on, enabling me to see the enormous shining chandelier with an enthralling wooden staircase. Never have I ever seen this room throughout my time here. I was extremely eager. Without letting anyone know, I scurried over to the edge, enabling me to see just what was downstairs. The view was unexpected. Dozens of a hundred dollar bills stacked on one another.

This unanticipated occurrence shocked the life out of me. Never would I thought there would be a place stacked full of bills. Just as I heard someone scream "Jamessss", I quickly ran back out.


SORRY FOR MY EXTREMELY BAD ESSAY, I was rushing cause I'm leaving Melbourne tomorrow

[hegihugo]

Waddup,

Essay #1
Stimulus: Should Euthanasia or physician assisted suicide by legal.
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Life is an incredibly precious thing. To take away it, is an incredibly controversial topic. Euthanasia is to assist another person to commit suicide. Unfortunately, in Australia euthanasia is frowned upon, but it really should be looked at as a way to end suffering. Euthanasia should be implemented into Australian law, however, it should be heavily regulated.

Euthanasia should be implemented in Australia, but it should be only one persons choice the patient. Euthanasia should be implemented, but should only be allowed to take place with the permission from the person in question. This doesn't lead to families choosing to euthanise other family members, for selfish reasons. Giving one person the right to control their life, allows them to be more control of their lives, thus not degrading their current mental state.

Death in general is a bit of a taboo. Many people are afraid of it. This mindset has been ingrained into our laws. Euthanasia is used to put people out of their misery. Unfortunately, due to many peoples' view of suicide (including the church's) many people are afraid to talk about it. Our mindset has led to many people having to suffer greatly. When they could stop the pain forever. Sadly, society's selfish ways are to busy worrying about how they will go to hell because they can control their own death, rather than focusing on helping others.

A common misconception amongst people is that if euthanasia was implemented into the law, they would be killed off by their family members. However, as mentioned beforehand, euthanasia should be highly regulated. Only allowing the person in question, to be able to control their life. This than rendering the possibility of family members trying to kill off their relatives impossible.

In conclusion, euthanasia should be considered to be implemented into the law. But due to the common misconception of our society it will be hard to overcome. Euthanasia would only occur with the person in question's agreeance. People will also start to fell more secure with euthanasia when they know that they will not be murdered by their family members.

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Overall I don't think it was my best essay, when I type it up I can be able to see all the errors. However, I do think that I'm improving, compared to my first essay I wrote I think I'm writing at a much higher standard. I have also noticed that I'm becoming more consistent.

Thanks for reading,

Hugo

[zhen]

Topic:
The secret place ..

We had a wealthy ancestry living in an enormous mansion. Our lives were extremely prosperous and we were allowed to spoil ourselves whenever. The word whenever seems colloquial and jarring It was like a dream come true for us.

One sunny day, my three younger sisters and I came in the front garden under a large weeping willow and decided to play hide and seek.  I wasn't "it" so I hurried back in the eloquent mansion, running up the wooden spiral staircase. I passed a few different rooms and ended up in my parents room.  As my parents were business tycoons, they were busy at meetings. Under the lit crystal chandelier, I hid behind the old-fashioned lavish curtains waiting to be found. Good descriptions

During my time behind the curtain, I realised that there was a door next to the wardrobe filled with clothes. Checking if anyone would arrive at the door, I stealthily crept towards the door and slowly opened it. I realised that it was dark and had no windows there. I turned the light switch on, enabling me to see This feels like it can be made more concise. Like I turned the light switch on and gazed at the... the enormous shining chandelier with an enthralling wooden staircase. Never have I ever seen this room throughout my time here. I was extremely eager. Eager isn’t the best word to use. Also, a thing that a lot of people do is that they tell the character’s emotions without showing it. So you say he’s eager, when you should maybe describe his heart pounding or something else to show how eager he is. Without letting anyone know, I scurried over to the edge, enabling me to see just what was downstairs. The view was unexpected. Dozens of a hundred dollar bills stacked on one another.

This unanticipated occurrence shocked the life out of me. Never would I have thought there would be a place stacked full of bills. Just as I heard someone scream "Jamessss", I quickly ran back out.


SORRY FOR MY EXTREMELY BAD ESSAY, I was rushing cause I'm leaving Melbourne tomorrow

The essay is good so far, but it seems incomplete. I feel like you stopped the story just before it reached it’s climax, which wasn’t great. Overall, your descriptions appear to be improving, but could still use some touching up. I think you shouldn’t have ended it in this way cause you haven’t explored the mystery of the secret room much. It feels like you just missed out on the interesting part. This is just my opinion.

Waddup,

Essay #1
Stimulus: Should Euthanasia or physician assisted suicide by legal.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life is an incredibly precious thing. To take away it, is an incredibly controversial topic. Euthanasia is to assist another person to commit suicide. Unfortunately, in Australia euthanasia is frowned upon, but it really should be looked at as a way to end suffering. Euthanasia should be implemented into Australian law, however, it should be heavily regulated.

Euthanasia should be implemented in Australia, but it should be only one person’s choice the patient. Euthanasia should be implemented, but should only be allowed to take place with the permission from the person in question. This doesn't lead to families choosing to euthanise other family members, for selfish reasons. Giving one person the right to control their life, allows them to be more control of their lives, thus not degrading their current mental state.

Death in general is a bit of a taboo. Many people are afraid of it. This mindset has been ingrained into our laws. Euthanasia is used to put people out of their misery. Unfortunately, due to many peoples' view of suicide (including the church's) many people are afraid to talk about it. Our mindset has led to many people having to suffer greatly. When they could stop the pain forever. Sadly, society's selfish ways are to busy worrying about how they will go to hell because they can control their own death, rather than focusing on helping others.

A common misconception amongst people is that if euthanasia was implemented into the law, they would be killed off by their family members. However, as mentioned beforehand, euthanasia should be highly regulated. Only allowing the person in question, to be able to control their life. This than rendering the possibility of family members trying to kill off their relatives impossible.

In conclusion, euthanasia should be considered to be implemented into the law. But due to the common misconception of our society it will be hard to overcome. Euthanasia would only occur with the person in question's agreeance. People will also start to fell more secure with euthanasia when they know that they will not be murdered by their family members.

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Overall I don't think it was my best essay, when I type it up I can be able to see all the errors. However, I do think that I'm improving, compared to my first essay I wrote I think I'm writing at a much higher standard. I have also noticed that I'm becoming more consistent.

Thanks for reading,

Hugo

I’m just going to comment on what I find is the biggest flaw of your persuasive. I think this has been a recurring issue, so pay attention to this next time you post an essay. Your paragraphs go something like this:
Para 1: Only the person themselves should be allowed to choose
Para 2: Alleviates suffering (strongest argument for Euthanasia in my opinion, but you talk about death being a tabboo and all that, which doesn’t really help to support your argument and doesn’t add much given the strict time limit)
Para 3: It should be regulated (repeats the ideas of paragraph 1 which isn’t good)

I dislike paragraphs 1 and 3 because they are proposing a solution rather than presenting an argument. Also, the counter argument that you attempt to address in these paragraphs (family members killing each other) appears to be weak at best and you deal with this really specific argument without addressing the broader picture. Your arguments should be persuasive and support the idea that euthanasia should be legalised. How is the fact that it should be regulated a persuasive argument for why euthanasia should be legalised? In my opinion, you should focus on how each individual should have a right to determine their own fate and how other people don’t have a right to intefere cause it doesn’t harm others.

[TheSapaInca]

Topic: Should violent video games be banned?

Violent video games are played all around the world daily. These games can influence a person to act violently in reality, eventually harming something or someone. These types of video games should not only be banned to minimize the amount of violence that is used in adolescence and teenager years but also to put more focus onto the education area to grow their understanding about the future and reality. How will people who grind on their consoles for hours a day know how to make a living in the future?

Violent video games are being purchased everyday globally. Not only does this remunerate the developers and manufacturers of the video games but also affects them to improve on their games and produce more different games or series of a game. All these violent video games are impacting the lives of teenagers, encouraging them to be addicted and play more. Violence and rage will erupt from these games if a player suffers a defeat or gets too addicted to the game, leaving no space for anything productive

The lives of teenager should not be controlled by video games, albeit some classify it as their hobbies, some will extract some violent knowledge and use it in reality to one another. Instead of spending hours on consoles and grinding up to the most prominent level, more time should be spent on education, teaching people the consequences and lack of education and knowledge video games will give to you. Education is vital to teach and prepare gamers for their future.

We should be optimistic about our future, not eager to grind and play video games. Violent video games has a detrimental impact to peoples future, eventually making them homeless and jobless. This is definitely not what we would want to see in our eyes of a gamer.



ok sorry, i suddenly wanted to write an essay because i couldn't think of any creative topics
anyone have some creative topic to contribute??
thanks

[domjamriska]

Topic: Should violent video games be banned?

Violent video games are played all around the world daily. These games can influence a person to act violently in reality, eventually harming something or someone. Hold on .. slow down. You just introduced a highly loaded and contentious topic of violent video games, a huge field with a whole breadth of things you can talk about. Why are they called 'violent video games'? What happens in these games? What is an example of a violent game and what things does it promote? You can't just suddenly proclaim that they influence people to behave in a certain manner without any supporting evidence. At the core of the issue is games such as GTA that depict ruthless killing in a first person perspective, encouraging players to view themselves in the scenario and as the perpetrator of heinous crimes without any repercussions, promoting a mindset with little regard for the sanctity of human life or the law in general. Make sure that you're not suddenly leaping to claims and conclusions without any initial background or logical reasoning, demonstrates a lack of understanding of how to persuade an audience.

These types of video games should not only be banned to minimize the amount of violence that is used in adolescence and teenager years but also to put more focus onto the education area to grow their understanding about the future and reality. How will people who grind on their consoles for hours a day know how to make a living in the future?

Violent video games are being purchased everyday globally. Not only does this remunerate the developers and manufacturers of the video games but also affects them to improve on their games and produce more different games or series of a game. address the issue specifically.. it's not that manufacturers are able to improve the game or add games but rather that they are being financially sponsored/fuelled/endorsed by the general public for creating content that is grossly inappropriate in modern society. Maybe worth mentioning other stakeholders such as the Government, is it their responsibility possibly to intervene?

All these violent video games are impacting the lives of teenagers(how did we suddenly get to the subgroup of teenagers?? Explain; "The real danger of these video games is that they are targeted towards young adolescents through elaborate marketing schemes. What is most concerning, though, is that this subgroup of the population is at their most vulnerable stage; their views and values are only beginning to take shape, and these are being tainted by ideals of murder and destruction prevalent in violent video games (<-- link to topic). Social prosperity lies on the shoulders of these adolescents, and .... " etc. encouraging them to be addicted and play more. Violence and rage will erupt from these games if a player suffers a defeat or gets too addicted to the game, leaving no space for anything productive. Nevermind productivity, what about the damage they can do to themselves, their families, friends, those around them

The lives of teenager should not be controlled by video games (once again introducing a big new idea of games controlling lives, but little evidence or background info to support how the games achieve this). are they, albeit some classify it as their hobbies (interesting point, ties in with moderation and a balancing act between what consumers want and upholding law and order, but you just skimmed over it  ), some will extract some violent knowledge and use it in reality to one another. Instead of spending hours on consoles and grinding up to the most prominent level, more time should be spent on education, teaching people the consequences and lack of education and knowledge video games will give to you. Education is vital to teach and prepare gamers for their future. I like how you're tying in a new theme and finding solutions to the issue. Consider also other groups of people, not just the gamers. Doesn't society have a right to feel safe? A family should not have to worry about an addicted gamer, crazed and fuelled with images of crime and murder, attacking them on the street.

We should be optimistic about our future, not eager to grind and play video games. Violent video games has a detrimental impact to peoples future, eventually making them homeless and jobless. This is definitely not what we would want to see in our eyes of a gamer.

Key things for me: Assume the assessor has absolutely no knowledge on the topic. It is up to you to inform them and provide background information or any relevant introductory knowledge. They are not going to make any inferences or assumptions for you - they read what is on the paper. Start each essay with a clear introduction and try to be thought provoking (eg. In recent times, video games depicted violent crime have become ingrained in society, insofar as they have become socially acceptable. The normalisation of these games, however, poses many dangers to the modern era and threatens the very foundation of law and order in society)
- Formulate key points and ideas to start the piece
- Consider the alternate view. This will always strengthen your piece..  you show a real depth of understanding if you are able to adopt the viewpoint of the opposing side and further adds value to your own argument if you can point out their flaws (eg. while gamers may argue that video games are fun and harmless, the.......)

Overall, really make sure you have a clear idea of where your piece is going and your arguments. This will make it flow far more smoothly and concisely, and be more effective to persuade the reader. The piece felt a little bit all over the shop, jumping around to several ideas without developing them..
That aside, your vocabulary and punctuation I felt were pretty strong, which is good to see!

[TheSapaInca]

Topic:
On the deserted island

I scurried to the leaving wooden ship that would take me to the exotic islands in the southern and eastern areas of Asia. Once I settled in to my designated spot, I took out my soft and comfy pillow and gently placed it behind my head. I closed both of my tired eyes and went to sleep.

Out of nowhere, I was awaken abruptly by the sounds of thrashing waves and the ear-splitting and resonant screams of other passengers. To my horror, I realised that my designated spot, a normal wooden chair in the ship started to move. Attempting to gather all my belongings, my luggage slid to the port of the ship. A large hole suddenly appeared at the port side and I could most clearly see the precarious and treacherous waves that were bound to swallow the entire ship. Everyone on the port side had fallen off the ship, including their luggage. Only the passengers who were sitting on the starboard side were onboard. "I must think! What should I do!?" I repeated in my head multiple times. I only had my wet clothes and a pillow now. I was left with literally nothing but I wouldn't give up. There must have been something I could do.

Courageously, I took my shoes, socks, jumper and shirt off and jumped off (I know repetition -.-)  the tip of the ship, landing with a loud splash in the waves. The charcoal black sky scared the life out of me, I had to do something. I lay on my back covering the pillow with my clothes, making an inflatable lifesaver and started to kicked both of my legs. After a while I was breathing heavily, tired of the legs. I closed my eyes and slept, hoping miraculously to wake up somewhere safe.

I felt a warm heat radiate on my body and the torrid and dry sand on my back. I opened my eyes and saw a solitary blazing sun. Once I stood up, I realised I was on an island. Though shocked, I felt extremely lucky. The serene and placid swishing of the water and swaying of the palm trees suddenly moderated by beating heart.

As I adventured around the mysterious island, I was also seeing the exotic fruits and plants I had never seen back in Australia. It was literally the opposite of the dry desert here. I started to follow a path with arrows barefoot. The violet and magenta flowers let out a pungent aroma that made me feel dizzy. I had never been in such paradise before. Soon, I started to see something that was around the shade of cyan and cerulean. Now, running I realised in the sea.
Now I was on a deserted island, I had no reason to live anymore.

ok I had to rush to end... sorry and bye ) btw- is lay past tense? If not, what is? Thanks

[zhen]

Topic:
On the deserted island

I scurried to the leaving wooden ship that would take me to the exotic islands in the southern and eastern areas of Asia. Once I settled in to my designated spot, I took out my soft and comfy I’m not sure but maybe just say comfortable to play it safe, cause this is a bit colloquial, but you can get away with it in creatives pillow and gently placed it behind my head. I closed both of my tired eyes and went to sleep.

Out of nowhere, I was awaken abruptly by the sounds of thrashing waves and the ear-splitting and resonant screams of other passengers. To my horror, I realised that my designated spot, a normal wooden chair in the ship started to move. Attempting to gather all my belongings, my luggage slid to the port of the ship. I feel like there’s an awkward jump in between the two parts of the sentence A large hole suddenly appeared at the port side and I could most clearly see the precarious This word feels misused and treacherous waves that were bound to swallow the entire ship. Everyone on the port side had fallen off the ship, including their luggage. Does this detail matter? It seems really clumsily added on Only the passengers who were sitting on the starboard side were onboard. "I must think! What should I do!?" I repeated in my head multiple times. I only had my wet clothes and a pillow now. I was left with literally nothing but I wouldn't give up. There must have been something I could do.

Courageously, I took my shoes, socks, jumper and shirt off and jumped off (I know repetition -.-)  the tip of the ship, landing with a loud splash in the waves. The charcoal black sky scared the life out of me, I had to do something. I lay on my back covering the pillow with my clothes, making an inflatable lifesaver Do you mean lifejacket? This bit seems expressed clumsily. You could just say it helped me float or something. and started to kicked both of my legs. After a while I was breathing heavily, tired of the legs Thus sounds really weird. Maybe emphasise the tiredness with more descriptions, rather than saying this. Or say something like a sharp stinging pain ran through my legs as I desperately tried to swim to safety . I closed my eyes and slept, hoping miraculously to wake up somewhere safe.

I felt a warm heat radiate on my body and the torrid and dry sand on my back. I opened my eyes and saw a solitary blazing sun. Once I stood up, I realised I was on an island. Though shocked, I felt extremely lucky. The serene and placid swishing of the water and swaying of the palm trees suddenly moderated by beating heart.

As I adventured around the mysterious island, I was also seeing the exotic fruits and plants I had never seen back in Australia. It was literally the opposite of the dry desert here. I started to follow a path with arrows barefoot. The violet and magenta flowers let out a pungent aroma that made me feel dizzy. I had never been in such paradise before. Soon, I started to see something that was around the shade of cyan and cerulean. Now, running I realised in the sea.
Now I was on a deserted island, I had no reason to live anymore. This is way too abrupt

ok I had to rush to end... sorry and bye ) btw- is lay past tense? If not, what is? Thanks

Lay should be past tense. Also, I’ve noticed that throughout this essay you’ve been chucking in really “fancy” words. But, this isn’t always a good thing. If you can use the words correctly then it’s fine. But, if you can’t then it can backfire entirely. Also, using these words don’t necessarily make your descriptions better as they can be jarring and sometimes they don’t add anything. So, just be careful when using these “fancy” words. Also, at times you still tell things and don’t show them. For example, the line “Though shocked, I felt extremely lucky”. Maybe instead describe how someone would act if they were shocked. They would be desperately looking around and would be a bit jittery. Anyway, overall it was a decent essay. Keep at it. 

[Aearator]

Topic: An image of a cave, key and a piece of rope

There it was. The prized possession treasure hunters all over the world were looking for lied within that dark ominous cave. I had been searching for the key to Tamen’s treasure for years now, and legend says that inside the old, rusty treasure chest lied an invaluable treasure that not even the greatest craftsman could replicate. I had to traverse the thick forests of Burma to get to this cave.

I steadfastly walked to the entrance of the cave and carefully entered it. My heart was pounding as the flame from my torch lit up the entire cave. A plethora of large, grey bats with sharp fangs flew out of the cave, causing me to stumble and trip over. I hit my head on a gargantuan, sharp rock and my forehead started to bleed excessively. As I got up however, I saw a golden key in the corner of the cave. I rushed over and took the key. I was going to become extremely wealthy, and feelings of jubilation and excitement flooded my brain.

As I exited the cave, I quickly travelled back to my miniscule cottage which was situated at the end of the forest. The entire world was searching for the treasure chest, but little did they know I had discovered it nine years ago,  hidden in one of Tamen’s old houses, I opened the door to my cottage slowly, I was careful not to alert even the animals in the forest that I had found the key to the world’s most precious prize. I took out the treasure chest from underneath my bed and meticulously inserted the key into the keyhole. When I opened the chest, my heart sank.

I saw a small piece of rope and a note. I took the note and noticed that it was tattered and very old. It simply read “DEAD END” in large bold writing. I was extremely disappointed and furious. I ripped the note violently and indignantly screamed at the top of my lungs. 15 minutes later, I took the piece of rope, and suddenly noticed it had a set of coordinates engraved in it. I picked up a piece of the torn paper on the floor, and noticed that in small writing it said “SALVATION LIES WITHIN”.

-   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -


This was my first creative writing piece in like a month and my mind completely blanked out :/. This was completed in just a little over 15 minutes.

[zhen]

Topic: An image of a cave, key and a piece of rope

There it was. The prized possession treasure hunters all over the world were looking for lied lay within that dark ominous cave. I had been searching for the key to Tamen’s treasure for years now, and legend says that inside the old, rusty treasure chest lied lay careful of repetition here an invaluable treasure that not even the greatest craftsman could replicate. I had to traverse the thick forests of Burma to get to this cave. This feels added on and doesn’t transition well from the last sentence.

I steadfastly walked to the entrance of the cave and carefully entered it. My heart was pounding as the flame from my torch lit up the entire cave. A plethora of large, grey bats with sharp fangs flew out of the cave, causing me to stumble and trip over. Some decent descriptions going on here I hit my head on a gargantuan, sharp rock and my forehead started to bleed excessively. After finishing the creative, I noticed that you completely ignored the fact that he was bleeding excessively. I would have loved to see something like he died of bloodloss just before opening the treasure chest. I think it would have been good to describe the person becoming more sluggish as he lost more blood. In my opinion, there was no point introducing this if you’re not going to use it to further your creative. 15 minutes isn’t a lot of time and you want to have everything contribute to the overriding story. Instead you could have added more detailed descriptions of how the person felt or something more meaningful. As I got up however, I saw a golden key in the corner of the cave. I rushed over and took the key. I was going to become extremely wealthy, and feelings of jubilation and excitement flooded my brain.

As I exited the cave, I quickly travelled back to my miniscule cottage which was situated at the end of the forest. The entire world was searching for the treasure chest, but little did they know I had discovered it nine years ago,  hidden in one of Tamen’s old houses, I opened the door to my cottage slowly, I was careful not to alert even the animals in the forest that I had found the key to the world’s most precious prize. This sentence is way too long. Try to break long sentences up, as they can be hard to follow. I took out the treasure chest from underneath my bed and meticulously inserted the key into the keyhole. I think you could have added a feeling of suspense here and described the excitement and nervousness you felt When I opened the chest, my heart sank.

I saw a small piece of rope and a note. I took the note and noticed that it was tattered and very old. It simply read “DEAD END” in large bold writing. I was extremely disappointed and furious. I ripped the note violently and indignantly screamed at the top of my lungs. 15 minutes later, I took the piece of rope, and suddenly noticed it had a set of coordinates engraved in it. I picked up a piece of the torn paper on the floor, and noticed that in small writing it said “SALVATION LIES WITHIN”. I quite like this ending to the creative. It’s a nice cliffhanger.

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This was my first creative writing piece in like a month and my mind completely blanked out :/. This was completed in just a little over 15 minutes.

Overall a pretty good creative. Keep up the good work. 
Edit: Just a friendly reminder that I don’t think I’ll be able to mark essays after the holidays finish, due to the heap of obligations I will probably have during university, so if you’re keen to get essays marked, send them my way soon.

[Aearator]

Thanks so much for the feedback zhen, I’ll try and write more during the holidays 

[bugattiveyron]

Hi,
I am new to this forum and this is my first essay which I am posting. Can you please provide the feedback?

Topic: Is scientific research the key to solve all human problems.

Scientific research is the key to solving all human problems. Would we be where we are right now if not for scientific research? Would we have great medical discoveries, newest advanced technology or just the normal everyday objects we use?

Scientific research is the key to all human problems. So, what's the major problem humans face? Medical problems. with the scientific research we've done in the last 20 years, we've finally discovered a blood test which is able to detect common types of cancers up to 2 years before it occurs. This is a ground-breaking discovery which would have not been found if not for scientific research. This is why scientific research is the answer to all human problems. Don't you think as well?

Scientific research is the key to solving all human problems because it has helped us advance in technology so much! For example, in the military, smart robots are being employed to check and undetonate bombs which has saved countless lives so far. In another perspective, advanced machines are being used in car and hardware constructing factories to maximize the work efficiency. Now, do you thinks scientific research is the key to solving all human problems?

Scientific research is the key to solving all human problems. Would we have all the common gadgets we use everyday and take for granted be here if not for scientific research? How much scientific research did Thomas Edison do to invent the light bulb? Behind every object we use today, a lot of scientific research has done to invent and improve it. Now, do you think scientific research is the key to all human problems?

Scientific research is the answer to all human problems. It has already help us achieve and learn so many things. Just imagine the infinite things it can help us achieve and learn in the future.

Once again, can you guys please provide me some feedback.
 

Thanks for the help. 

[zhen]

Hi,
I am new to this forum and this is my first essay which I am posting. Can you please provide the feedback?

Topic: Is scientific research the key to solve all human problems.

Scientific research is the key to solving all human problems. Would we be where we are right now if not for scientific research? Would we have great medical discoveries, newest advanced technology or just the normal everyday objects we use? Solid start

Scientific research is the key to all human problems. I know that repetition is a persuasive technique, but I feel like it loses effectiveness and may detract from the piece if it’s in a written rather than spoken format. So, what's the major problem humans face? Medical problems. With the scientific research we've done in the last 20 years, we've finally discovered a blood test which is able to detect common types of cancers up to 2 years before it occurs. This is a ground-breaking discovery which would have not been found if not for scientific research. This is why scientific research is the answer to all human problems. Don't you think as well? Maybe emphasise the magnitude of the effect of scientific research. Emphasise how it has saved thousands of lives if not millions of lives.

Scientific research is the key to solving all human problems because it has helped us advance in technology so much! Too colloquial For example, in the military, smart robots are being employed to check and undetonate bombs which has saved countless lives so far. In another perspective, advanced machines are being used in car and hardware constructing factories to maximize the work efficiency. Now, do you think scientific research is the key to solving all human problems? I dislike this repetition as well. In this context, I don’t think it contributes at all to your piece. Sometimes repetition can be good to nail in a point, but I don’t think it’s done well here.

Scientific research is the key to solving all human problems. Would we have all the common gadgets we use everyday and take for granted be here if not for scientific research? How much scientific research did Thomas Edison do to invent the light bulb? I honestly think you have way too many rhetorical questions. A few are good but if you have too many then the basis of your argument and the points you’re trying to get across aren’t there cause you’re spending time on these questions that don’t really add facts or points to your case. Behind every object we use today, a lot of scientific research has done to invent and improve it. Now, do you think scientific research is the key to all human problems?

Scientific research is the answer to all human problems. It has already helped us achieve and learn so many too colloquial things. Just imagine the infinite number of things it can help us achieve and learn about in the future.

Once again, can you guys please provide me some feedback.
 

Thanks for the help. 

Overall a decent persuasive. I think that that throughout this persuasive you’ve been too informal. Normally I enjoy reading pieces that address and confront the reader. However, it should be done in moderation. You need to have areas of your persuasive where you’re in third person and presenting a logical standpoint. Try not to be too informal in your language. A bit here and there is fine, but I think this persuasive is a bit too informal. I think the arguments presented and structure isn’t great, but that’s more because the topic is so restrictive. Anyway, keep up the good work. 

Just a reminder that after the end of January, I can’t guarantee that I’ll correct these anymore, so write essays before then if you want them corrected by me.