Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam

[crystahlll]

Well, for me, the main flaw I find without starting to read you essay is your structure. You should have an introduction, three body paragraphs and a conclusion at least. If you can think of one, add a rebuttal.

For the essay itself, I will leave it to a more educated individual to correct.

i'm unable to develop my points properly so i felt that i should just stick to developing 2 main arguments well enough haha

[crystahlll]

Hi, can someone mark my essay please? I think I might have made up a lot of stuff and perhaps used some words in the wrong context

Gambling advertisements should/not be on TV
Gambling is when people “bet” i don't think you need the " for this? im not sure tbh hahaand place money into a game of chance in order to supposingly gain more money afterwards (if they win). This has caused many issues such as gambling addictions and loss of money. Gambling is seen all over television and is causing more harm than good thus should not be advertised on television as it makes people want to gamble even more and contradicts what non-gambling advertisements are trying to achieve.

The issue of gambling advertisements presented on TV is that it increases the motivation of people wanting to gamble good starting sentence! as it “over-exposes” simply writing "exposes them" would be fine. "over exposes" sounds a bit odd (to me) them to this “game of chance” and betting for money. Some gamblers (as they are called) i dont think this is necessary struggle with a “gambling addiction” through constantly wanting to “bet” to win money but this “betting” can instead can go against them, and instead, repetition of instead isn't neededthey would lose more money than gain. a shorter expression of the point you're trying to bring across would be "this betting can cause more harm than good" Advertising gambling could make gambling addicts think about gambling thus their struggling “addiction” will be hard to end. you can also talk about how their addiction would relapse Thus gambling advertisements should not be shown on TV.

In addition, gambling advertisements oppose anti-gambling advertisements that are also present on television. Nowadays, anti-gambling activists are trying to get people off gambling but these advertisements are hindering the ability to do that which confuses some and contradicts the anti-gambling ideas making them non-effective on gamblers.

Although gambling advertisements are causing havoc within society, it is important to recognise that if gambling advertisements are not publicated, this could quickly deteriorate the gambling industry - in fact, could potentially issue the downfall of gambling services with many losing their jobs in the process. Not many people gamble, but those that do; they gamble a lot. Especially within modern times, these people that lose their jobs in the gambling industry may struggle to find new jobs in other industries due to “small jobs” having been taken over by automation.

To conclude, gambling advertisements should not be on TV as it does not stop addicts from quitting their “gambling addiction” and it also contradicts the goal of anti-gambling advertisements. Despite this, advertising gambling would increase profit for the gambling industry, with publication, this industry would suffer from the lack of gambling and could potentially shut down leaving jobless peers.

this is my first time marking haha. i think in general maybe you could drop the " because they are not necessary.

[napkin101]

i'm unable to develop my points properly so i felt that i should just stick to developing 2 main arguments well enough haha

Writing 2 points is perfectly OK. iirc, I wrote the same number of arguments. This will allow you to discuss the arguments in more detail.

hey, i wrote a persuasive piece too! do give feedback thanks!

Prompt: Write a persuasive piece arguing for or against global laws banning whaling.

   There is an increasing trend of various animal species being endangered, or worse, going extinct. In light of such an alarming trend, I strongly believe that global laws banning whaling are necessary as these laws will protect whales and keep the ecosystem in balance. In your introductions, I recommend being more explicit in outlining your main ideas, This is very important is basic introduction structure. Make sure you don't use language like I, you, me, and use language like "therefore, it is essential that global laws banning whaling are introduced..." instead of "I strongly believe that global laws..."
   FIrstly, whales are already an endangered species. The topic sentence clearly needs to outline what the paragraph is about, and writing that "whales are already an endangered species" doesn't really give any information about your argument/idea. This puts them in grave danger of going extinct if there are no laws banning whaling globally as large food chains will be free to hunt down whales without facing criminal charges. Despite being a worrying situation which should be a grave concern, there is a rising trend of animals going extinct, especially animals whose parts can be sold for great value, such as elephants which are often hunted for their tusks. This sentence doesn't really make much sense. It started with 'despite', but then it never really continued through with anything that was opposite of the first half. Sorry I don't really know how to explain that haha. I feel like overall this sentence isn't really doing anything for your argument. It doesn't solidify your idea, and is basically there to fill up space. I feel as though you're just stating a fact that probably fits into your introduction, but doesn't take your argument anywhere. Do you get where I'm coming from? Without laws banning whaling, the number of whales will continue shrinking rapidly and the fact that whales are endangered signifies that we need strict measures such as global laws in order to improve the situation and protect whales.
   Moreover, by protecting whales, this ensures that the ecosystem is kept in balance. The marine environment follows a food chain and should whales go extinct as a consequence of not having laws banning whaling, the ecosystem will be disrupted as whales are huge predators that prey on fish. Indisputably, the food chain will be left with a problem. I feel like you could explain this a lot more. I know the time limit is quite small, but thinking of ideas faster will help with writing more. Not just for this paragraph, but in every persuasive you write, you should talk about the negative impacts of not doing what you're arguing for are. Then you could talk about how following your ideas those impacts won't exist. Just an idea.

Overall, it wasn't a bad essay, but was a bit short, which I can understand because the time is so restricting. Try to focus more on the structure of your writing, and make sure it's fluent and not clunky. Focus on including relevant information to your argument. Do a few more writing pieces before tomorrow and keep posting them on here, and some more people can have a look at them.

[crystahlll]

Writing 2 points is perfectly OK. iirc, I wrote the same number of arguments. This will allow you to discuss the arguments in more detail.
Overall, it wasn't a bad essay, but was a bit short, which I can understand because the time is so restricting. Try to focus more on the structure of your writing, and make sure it's fluent and not clunky. Focus on including relevant information to your argument. Do a few more writing pieces before tomorrow and keep posting them on here, and some more people can have a look at them.

wow thank you! this was extremely helpful as you gave lots of suggestions and yes, my pieces are really short as you can see

[yazivic]

 There is an increasing trend of various animal species being endangered, or worse, going extinct. In light of such an alarming trend, I strongly believe that global laws banning whaling are necessary as these laws will protect whales and keep the ecosystem in balance. (maintain a balance in the world's ecosystem)
Try to separate your contention and your arguments. (I'd suggest splitting this into 1 sentence for your contention + 1 sentence for combining your two arguments. A 2 sentence long intro is not really a proper intro.

   FIrstly, whales are already an endangered species. This puts them in grave danger of going extinct if asthere are no laws banning whaling prohibiting the act of whalingglobally. avoid a run on sentence by adding a  full stophere!as large food chains will be free to hunt down whales without facing criminal charges. , the global whale population is facing a looming threat of extinction.Despite being a worrying situation which should be a grave concern, there is a rising trend of animals going extinct, especially animals whose parts can be sold for great value, such as elephants which are often hunted for their tusks.good! i like the reasoning here  Without laws banning whaling, the number of whales will continue shrinking numbers decrease, not shrinkrapidly and the fact that whales are endangered signifies that we need strict measures such as global laws in order to improve the situation and quite an unnecessary phrase, remove this maybeprotect whales.

   Moreover, by protecting whales, this ensures that the ecosystem is kept in balance. The marine environment follows a food chain There is a long established food chain in the marine environment/marine biomes and use semicolon here to sound more sophisticatedshould whales go extinct as a consequence of not having laws banning whalingawkward phrasing (e.g. ...as a consequence of the lack of legislation which prohibits whaling would sound nicer), the ecosystem will be disrupted as whales are huge predators that prey on fishimportant members of the food chain that prey on fish. Indisputably, the food chain will be left with a problem.

General comments (The previous commentor made very valid points as well:)
- write a conclusion, even if it is only going to be one sentence long! Better to have one than to have nothing at all. 
- Incorporate a counter argument THEN rebut it by dismissing it/demonstrating that it is of relatively low importance. An example of such could be "Some may say the act of whaling should not be criminalised because  of the the long tradition of whale meat being a part of Japanese cuisine. However, the lives of an already declining population of whales should not be sacrificed for human consumption, given that it takes much more time for the whales to repopulate than for fishermen to capture them in the sea. Furthermore, with a vast array for food choices available for human beings, such as farmed cattle and poultry, )
- try to think in a deeper level (but don't worry too much if you can't). For example, a high scorer would bring in the idea of justice into this piece, pointing out that it is unfair for humans to excessively hunt for animals whereas animals with already dwindling populations are unable to defend themselves from such tragedy.

Good luck for your exam, you've got this!!! Just make sure to spend a minute or two planning beforehand to avoid reaching a mind blank/stressing when writing the piece.

[crystahlll]

There is an increasing trend of various animal species being endangered, or worse, going extinct. In light of such an alarming trend, I strongly believe that global laws banning whaling are necessary as these laws will protect whales and keep the ecosystem in balance. (maintain a balance in the world's ecosystem)
Try to separate your contention and your arguments. (I'd suggest splitting this into 1 sentence for your contention + 1 sentence for combining your two arguments. A 2 sentence long intro is not really a proper intro.

   FIrstly, whales are already an endangered species. This puts them in grave danger of going extinct if asthere are no laws banning whaling prohibiting the act of whalingglobally. avoid a run on sentence by adding a  full stophere!as large food chains will be free to hunt down whales without facing criminal charges. , the global whale population is facing a looming threat of extinction.Despite being a worrying situation which should be a grave concern, there is a rising trend of animals going extinct, especially animals whose parts can be sold for great value, such as elephants which are often hunted for their tusks.good! i like the reasoning here  Without laws banning whaling, the number of whales will continue shrinking numbers decrease, not shrinkrapidly and the fact that whales are endangered signifies that we need strict measures such as global laws in order to improve the situation and quite an unnecessary phrase, remove this maybeprotect whales.

   Moreover, by protecting whales, this ensures that the ecosystem is kept in balance. The marine environment follows a food chain There is a long established food chain in the marine environment/marine biomes and use semicolon here to sound more sophisticatedshould whales go extinct as a consequence of not having laws banning whalingawkward phrasing (e.g. ...as a consequence of the lack of legislation which prohibits whaling would sound nicer), the ecosystem will be disrupted as whales are huge predators that prey on fishimportant members of the food chain that prey on fish. Indisputably, the food chain will be left with a problem.

General comments (The previous commentor made very valid points as well:)
- write a conclusion, even if it is only going to be one sentence long! Better to have one than to have nothing at all. 
- Incorporate a counter argument THEN rebut it by dismissing it/demonstrating that it is of relatively low importance. An example of such could be "Some may say the act of whaling should not be criminalised because  of the the long tradition of whale meat being a part of Japanese cuisine. However, the lives of an already declining population of whales should not be sacrificed for human consumption, given that it takes much more time for the whales to repopulate than for fishermen to capture them in the sea. Furthermore, with a vast array for food choices available for human beings, such as farmed cattle and poultry, )
- try to think in a deeper level (but don't worry too much if you can't). For example, a high scorer would bring in the idea of justice into this piece, pointing out that it is unfair for humans to excessively hunt for animals whereas animals with already dwindling populations are unable to defend themselves from such tragedy.

Good luck for your exam, you've got this!!! Just make sure to spend a minute or two planning beforehand to avoid reaching a mind blank/stressing when writing the piece.

wow, thank you so much! your language is superb. thanks for the tips i always skip a conclusion bc i don't even have time to finish my second argument hahaah. if you have some time, i hope you can check out my thread "Y11 creative and persuasive essays" as i will be posting there more!

[crystahlll]

hey, i wrote an argumentative this time round! check my thread "y11 creative and persuasive essays" i post all my essays there and i'd love feedback
Prompt: Gambling advertisments should/should not be on TV.

      Gambling addiction is a huge problem that many people struggle with. It is commonly noted that there are advertisments reaching out to gamblers to seek help and call a hotline. Consequently, it is vital that gambling advertisments are not shown on television as that would cause an increase in the amount of gamblers and promote gambling as an acceptable, decent form of leisure.
        To begin with, by putting gambling advertisments on television, there will be a nationwide audience who are exposed to this form of media. This can cause some to be introduced to gambling if they come across an advertisment. If the advertisment piques their interest, chances are they might try out gambling as what seems like a harmless activity. Consequently, the number of gamblers will increase rapidly. Moreover, ex addicts or gamblers who are trying to stop gambling might relapse after watching the advertisments as they are reminded of their past experiences. Thus, there should not be widespread media exposure to gambling through advertisments as there will be an increase in gamblers.
        Additionally, although a few may contend that there are anti gambling advertisments that are able to help ex addicts, the presence of gambling advertisments contradicts the anti ones as those ads are promoting gambling as a form of entertainment that one should try out. This is unacceptable as gambling is an unhealthy habit that causes more harm than good; if drug taking ads are not on television, why should gambling advertisments be?

[ProbotMelbourne]

Should I upload any essays here?If any forum member is happy to mark my essays,please let me know.
Thanks
Btw,I’m giving the SCHS/MHS test this year in June

[ProbotMelbourne]

Hii,going to upload a creative essay today!Thanks to whoever marks it!🤗
This is in 15 mins and with all grammar errors,no typos.The topic was SUPER weird so I had like 13 mins to write since I couldn’t think of anything.I HAVE TRASH GRAMMAR AND SHOW NOT TELL.
Topic:START YOUR STORY WITH A SENTENCE THAT IS HAPPY AND UPBEAT WITH NO DOUBLE MEANINGS.
END IT WITH THE SAME SENTENCE,BUT IT IS TERRIFYING etc.

He was laughing.I never knew that my joke can be so funny that it made people like Billy,the gangster laugh.
“Oh Kevin,you make some good jokes,they crack me up”.
“Thanks,”I tentatively replied.

Billy the Bingo,that is what they call him.If you are friends with him,he can do anything for you.

He was living in a place which I cannot even dream of.I will go straight to the point,I needed cash from Billy.This diary is the only place I will write my intentions about being friends with Billy.

“Kevin,how about you sleep at my place tonight.”
“Sure,”I responded with a smile on my face

Billy and I played some video games then played outside.

His house was luxurious,utensils made of good,lounge room big as an apartment,the floor made of euro bills.His mansion was massive,but not as big as my heart.

I was going to stop writing on my diary,suddenly,Billy came.I quickly hid the book but Billy noticed it.

“What are you hiding there?”,Billy hissed.(don’t know if this makes sense,my grammar is trash)
“Nothing,”I mumbled.
“Stop barking nonsense,I know you have something there,”Billy snapped.
He bolted towards me and picked up my diary.
“Oh,your secrets,”Billy exclaimed.

Suddenly,Billy opened the diary,and read a random page.I hope it was not the page about Billy.

Billy chucked the book aside,and took me to another room.I was safe,

“How about I kill you before you take my money,”Billly yelled.
“Damn,he found out,”I though,
He pointed a gun at me and shot me.I died,but he was happy.

He was laughing.

[ProbotMelbourne]

Hey
I'll be marking your essay (I am a MHS student so I know how hard the essay is)

He was laughing. I never knew my joke could be so funny (Try not to use 'so', instead replace 'so funny' with 'hilarious' or something along the lines) that it made people like Billy the gangster laugh.

“Oh Kevin, you make some good jokes, they crack me up”.
“Thanks,” I tentatively replied. good word!

Billy the Bingo,that is what they (who is 'they'? need to specify) call him.If you are friends with him,he can do anything for you. (don't refer to the reader in creative responses)

He was living in a place which I cannot even dream of. I will go straight to the point, I needed cash from Billy. This diary is the only place I would write my intentions about being friends instead of 'being friends with', replace with 'befriending'with Billy.

“Kevin, how about you sleep at my place tonight?”
“Sure,”I responded with a smile on my face.

Billy and I played some(get rid of 'some') video games, then went outside.

His house was luxurious; utensils made of good (what does this mean?),lounge room asbig as an apartment, the floor made of euro bills. His mansion was massive,but not as big as my heart. very cheesy phrasing

I was going to stop writing on my diary,suddenly,Billy came.I quickly hid the book but Billy noticed.
As I was about to stop writing in my diary, Billy suddenly barged in. I attempted to conceal my book under (insert anything), however, Billy noticed

“What are you hiding there?”,Billy asked
“Nothing,” I mumbled.
“Stop barking nonsense,I know you have something there,”Billy snapped.
He bolted towards me and picked up my diary.
“Oh, your secrets,”Billy exclaimed. very confusing emotions

Suddenly, Billy opened the diary and read a random page.I hope it was not the page about him. (need to reword this)

Billy chucked the book aside and took me to another room.I was safe, (safe from what?)

“How about I kill you before you take my money?”Billly yelled. (You just wrote that you were safe, so why is Billy threatening you? confusing transition/correlation)
“Damn,he found out,”I thought,
He pointed a gun at me and shot me.I died,but he was happy. DO NOT MAKE THIS ENDING. sorry to point out but ending like these are terrible How are you able to retell this story if you died? bit confusing

He was laughing.

Overall, not bad not good. You really need to work on your grammar and your creativity. Endings where you say you either died or it was all a dream are not good. Stick with the same tense, please - you went from past tense to present tense a few times.
I didn't do too well on my essays back in 2015 entrance exam (High average lol), so you might need to take someone else's opinion on your piece as well Best of luck.

Thanks!!Btw,the utensils made out of “good” was a typo,it was meant to be gold lol.Btw when I wrote i was safe,I thought I was safe,but I wasn’t(if that makes any sense)
Damn,your marking is pretty good!
Lmao,my endings are always someone dying or something like that.
My creative writing is probably my 2nd worst area on the essay(first is readin comp)
How do you find MHS,is it good?
I’ll probably upload another essay right now(persuasive),you can mark it if you want(really appreciated).

Thanks

[GodNifty]

Thanks!!Btw,the utensils made out of “good” was a typo,it was meant to be gold lol.Btw when I wrote i was safe,I thought I was safe,but I wasn’t(if that makes any sense)
Damn,your marking is pretty good!
Lmao,my endings are always someone dying or something like that.
My creative writing is probably my 2nd worst area on the essay(first is readin comp)
How do you find MHS,is it good?
I’ll probably upload another essay right now(persuasive),you can mark it if you want(really appreciated).

Thanks

Thank you!
Not a big fan of persuasive pieces, but I'll try my best lol
Hmm, you mentioned that it was a typo. Are you typing your essays instead of writing? If you are, probs best if you stick with writing with pen and paper.
MHS is alright, there are good days and bad days here

[ProbotMelbourne]

Thank you!
Not a big fan of persuasive pieces, but I'll try my best lol
Hmm, you mentioned that it was a typo. Are you typing your essays instead of writing? If you are, probs best if you stick with writing with pen and paper.
MHS is alright, there are good days and bad days here

I’m writing them then typing them here lol,while I was typing them from my book,I made a typo.
I’ll upload persuasive around 5 lol,just reading some old threads.
MHS bad days?Hmmm

[The Progenitor]

I'd also like my essay marked, wrote it in about 20 minutes but I had to copy the essay onto this forum. Any feedback would be appreciated.
-
The topic is Utopia - a dream or possible reality?
-
The idea of a utopian society changes over time and with each individual. However, something that remains constant is that everyone wants to live in their own utopian world. However, will this remain a dream or become a reality?

Utopian worlds are defined as a perfect society in every sense. This means in a utopian society, humans could never thrive. For example, our natural instincts are to survive and have a better life than others would be rendered useless as we have reached the perfect life and our need to set goals and achieve them would be completely useless . This complete satisfaction would bring complacency and give us no more drive to do anything.

Furthermore, a utopian society would certainly be impossible also because of its fatal social system flaws. Utopia, a book written by Sir Thomas More suggests that in a utopian society everyone might have an equal share of necessities and valuables. However, progress would be maximized if all the resources are spent on the most qualified people. The more helpful one is to society the more resources that person deserves.

On the other hand, utopian societies are only possible under certain circumstances in a small, self sufficient community, this will be short lived however. For the utopian world to achieve perfection would need to have very specific and certain circumstances and situations in order for it to just barely thrive, even when the utopian society does thrive, it will not be able to sustain itself and possibly end in disaster.

All in all, a utopian society may be a dream and a fantasy at this moment, however, it may be be a reality in the near future. As such, we should be aware of the possible disasters that utopian societies may bring in the future.

Thanks for reading.

[ProbotMelbourne]

My persuasive essay :-D.I usually write intro 3 paras rebuttal conclusion,but I realised that I have WAY too much grammar errors if I do that,so I wrote 2 paras rebuttal intro conclusion for this one and re read it(in 15 mins).There are still grammar errors sadly.
Topic:Should mobile devices/devices in class be allowed

In this day and age,the amount of children who are bringing phones to class is rapidly increasing.The question that strikes everyone,should mobile devices in class be allowed?Mobile devices in class should not be allowed as children can secretly play on their device and the battery of the phone will easily become dead.

To start off with,children can go on their device secretly if devices are allowed.Many children already go on their phone in class to play games or check social media.This is execrable since children would get bad test marks and fail in exams.A solution to this can be not allowing phones in class.Many would think that this is a harsh rule but it is actually lenient since many parents do not even allow their children to have phones.This highlights why mobile devices in class should be banned.

In addition,mobile devices will easily be flat if they are allowed in class.If children go on their phones during class,the phone’s battery will easily be dead.If this happens,a parent may also be unable to contact their child.If phones are not allowed during class,many children would work finer and the atmosphere would be more peaceful.This exemplifies why phones should be banned during class.

Many argue that phones and other devices can help you study and concentrate.However,this is not true as it is known that phones make children procrastinate during class a lot.For example,if as a student is ‘working’ on their phones,a message might pop up and the student might go on messages.This problem would not occur I’d phones are not allowed during class.Hence,this is an invalid point to make as it is not justified well by the reality of the proposed situation.

To conclude,phones should be banned during class as children can play on them and the phone’s battery can run out.

[ProbotMelbourne]

I'd also like my essay marked, wrote it in about 20 minutes but I had to copy the essay onto this forum. Any feedback would be appreciated.
-
The topic is Utopia - a dream or possible reality?
-
The idea of a utopian society changes over time and with each individual. However, something that remains constant is that everyone wants to live in their own utopian world. However, will this remain a dream or become a reality?

Utopian worlds are defined as a perfect society in every sense. This means in a utopian society, humans could never thrive. For example, our natural instincts are to survive and have a better life than others would be rendered useless as we have reached the perfect life and our need to set goals and achieve them would be completely useless . This complete satisfaction would bring complacency and give us no more drive to do anything.

Furthermore, a utopian society would certainly be impossible also because of its fatal social system flaws. Utopia, a book written by Sir Thomas More suggests that in a utopian society everyone might have an equal share of necessities and valuables. However, progress would be maximized if all the resources are spent on the most qualified people. The more helpful one is to society the more resources that person deserves.

On the other hand, utopian societies are only possible under certain circumstances in a small, self sufficient community, this will be short lived however. For the utopian world to achieve perfection would need to have very specific and certain circumstances and situations in order for it to just barely thrive, even when the utopian society does thrive, it will not be able to sustain itself and possibly end in disaster.

All in all, a utopian society may be a dream and a fantasy at this moment, however, it may be be a reality in the near future. As such, we should be aware of the possible disasters that utopian societies may bring in the future.

Thanks for reading.

I won’t mark it since I probably have worse writing skills than u,but I’ll give a few tips.
-The intro is not following the structure.I love it,but that’s not how the structure goes.It goes like this:
1.Descriptive sentence
2.Why is it controversial(optional)
3.Contention
4.State your arguments
5.Linking sentence(I never do it but Spectrum Tuition says we should)
-You seem to have good knowledge about the topic,I don’t even know what utopia is,lol
-Your words etc are advanced,but focus on your structure.
-It might just be me but I feel your words and sentences is so advanced.
-Overall,it’s a OK essay,would be exceptional if you followed the structure.Practice and hopefully us both will get in