English Advanced AOS Essay

[akirabaigent]

Hi there,
I was just wondering if anyone would be able to read over my draft essay and give me a bit of feedback?
Thank you!!

‘Discoveries inevitably lead to new perceptions of the world, new values, and new understanding of oneself and others.’ To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other text of your choosing?

Through careful reflection and understanding of oneself, personal discoveries and new values can be catalysed, stimulating a fresh perception of themselves, the world, and others. William Shakespeare explores this in his play, The Tempest, where Prospero’s desire for his usurper’s penitence prevents him from logically considering his true intentions. His ultimate discovery of empathy and profound shift in his values and perceptions is catalysed by his daughter’s marriage. This provides a reflection of himself, allowing Prospero to understand his true morals. Similarly, this is skillfully presented in the autobiographical poem Ariel by Sylvia Plath, as her early morning horse ride promotes a reflecting identity discovery of strength and freedom, stimulating the adoption of new values and perceptions of self, others, and the world.

Firstly, in The Tempest, Prospero’s initial purpose is revenge as his perception of others is controlled by rage. During the banquet scene, Prospero attempts to convince his usurpers to draw upon their natural guilt by reminding them of his tremendous power, as he directs Ariel to say “But remember- For that’s my business to you- that you three/From Milan did supplant good Prospero…The powers—delaying, not forgetting—have incensed the seas and shores, yea, all the creatures, against your peace”. Ariel utilizes personification of the seas being “incensed”, prompting the audience to envisage the violence of a raging see. As this symbolises Prospero’s repressed rage and frustration, it is evident how indignation within his mind hinders him from making objective decisions. Further, through Shakespeare’s skillful adoption of tactile imagery of nature, by portraying the process of the sea, Ariel connotes that it is waiting on the actions of the three men. The imagery conveys the judgment the men will be brought to and emphasizes Prospero’s despotic power and need for revenge. Thus, Prospero’s initial perception of others is clouded by his vengeance, constricting any deliberation of his true values.

Furthermore, the transformation of Prospero’s character is catalysed by his celebration of Miranda’s love, resulting in careful reflection and discovery of his mortality. As Prospero’s masque disappears, he voices “We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep” Through Shakespeare’s adept application of metaphor, Prospero compares human life to dreams, and death to sleep, highlighting the cyclicality and proximity of death. Prospero likens his own human condition and mortality to the magical spirits he conjured up for the masque and then dispelled. His daughter’s marriage and transition into her next stage of life provokes Prospero’s profound realisation of life’s ephemeral nature and reflection of his perception of himself. Further, through Prospero’s creation and use of his magic in such a non-destructive way, the audience is positioned to understand Prospero’s budding transformation by hinting to his discovery of benevolence. Prospero’s personal realisation catalyzes a discovery of inner morals as rage no longer fuels his judgements, highlighting Prospero’s new perception and understanding of himself, eventually leading to his understanding of others. Therefore, Shakespeare depicts how factors like love can catalyse a moral transformation from a place of vengeance.

Moreover, Shakespeare outlines how by discovering and understanding oneself, an individual can act on these new values and incorporate them into their perception of others and their world. Ariel's compassion for the suitors seemed to restore Prospero's humanity, provoking a reflecting realization as he affirms “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance” Shakespeare’s alliteration with two juxtaposing terms emphasizes Prospero’s discovery of guilt and humanity. As Ariel invokes compassion within Prospero, Prospero reflects on his values, forming a newfound benevolence for the suiters and discovering the more ethical option. Shakespeare expertly links the juxtaposing terms by alliteration to highlight the extent of his contrasting transformation from his former irate perception of power. Through this epiphany, a sudden emancipation of Prospero from his prior pitiless thinking is observed as he completely transfers from a state of vengeance to forgiveness and constructs new perceptions for the usurpers, and therefore a greater understanding of the world’s values. Thus, by forming a new perception of themselves, an individual discovers new morals and views on others, therefore transforming their world values.

Similarly, these aspects are explored in Sylvia Plath’s autobiographical poem Ariel, which highlights how one can emerge from a static state by the aid of a catalyst, forming new perceptions of the world around her. As Plath mounts her horse, Ariel, for an early morning horse ride, she’s initially stuck in a state of inactivity, evident in the quote “Stasis in darkness”. Plath skillfully employs sibilance to communicate the imagery of a snake; coiled and ready to spring, giving potential energy to the rider on the horse. Consonance albeit highlights the stationary hesitation of the rider to move as its linking effect portrays her as being at one with the darkness. These techniques intertwine to introduce the rider as a passive individual, however further hinting at the opportunity for transformation in identity perception with the help of motivation from the outside world. This budding transformation and adoption of strength is evident in the quote “White Godiva, I unpeel dead hands, dead stringencies”. Plath’s adoption of metaphor highlights the shedding the rider is undertaking, which when paired with the historical allusion of “White Godiva”, symbolises “unpeeling” of moral and societal constraints and liberation from the physical world’s woes. This alters her perception of the world, awarding her with emerging self-reflection, newfound strength and freedom. Thus, through the aid of extrinsic forces, an individual is able to begin the process of discovering their true perception of themselves and others.

Additionally, Plath elucidates how by understanding and reflecting on one’s identity and others, an individual stimulates a fresh perception of themselves and the world. The rider eventually becomes one with her horse’s speed and freedom, evident in the final quote “and I am the arrow…. At one with the drive into the red eye, the cauldron of mourning”. Plath aptly bestows contrast as the end quote directly juxtaposes against the first, “stasis in darkness”, highlighting to the audience the extent of her revolutionary discovery of freedom and strength. Imperative tone further portrays how the rider’s perception of themselves is void of hesitation as it highlights a fresh understanding of oneself. The rider is no longer held back by the world’s perceptions of her as she soars towards the light of day, or metaphorically to a life with direction, new values, and personal understanding, this enabled by Ariel. Therefore, personal identity discoveries have the ability to utterly transform an individual’s perception of themselves and the world, through the aid of others.

In conclusion, both texts The Tempest by William Shakespeare, and Ariel by Sylvia Plath outline how personal discoveries and new values can be catalysed through careful reflection and understanding of oneself stimulating a fresh perception of themselves, the world, and others. Both texts elucidate individuals emerging from places of grief to eventual considerations of character.

[legorgo18]

Hey! I did Tempest for my hsc and wouldn't mind giving your essay a look, will edit this comment later on with your feedback.

[Opengangs]

Hey, akirabaigent!

Sure thing! The essay with comments is located inside the spoiler tag.

Essay (marked)

Q: Discoveries inevitably lead to new perceptions of the world, new values, and new understanding of oneself and others.’ To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other text of your choosing?

Through careful reflection and understanding of oneself, personal discoveries and new values can be catalysed, stimulating a fresh perception of themselves, the world, and others. William Shakespeare explores this in his play, The Tempest, where Prospero’s desire for his usurper’s penitence prevents him from logically considering his true intentions. His ultimate discovery of empathy and profound shift in his values and perceptions is catalysed by his daughter’s marriage. This provides a reflection of himself, allowing Prospero to understand his true morals. Similarly, this is skillfully presented in the autobiographical poem Ariel by Sylvia Plath, as her early morning horse ride promotes a reflecting identity discovery of strength and freedom, stimulating the adoption of new values and perceptions of self, others, and the world. (Overall, I believe that thinking more profoundly about the catalyst nature of discovery will elevate your writing. This question is broad enough for you to develop insightful comments about discovery as a means for individuals to uncover new truths about themselves. What you're doing appears very surface level, you're not discussing the concept of discovery in a way that elicits new ideas for the reader.)

Firstly, in The Tempest, Prospero’s initial purpose is revenge as his perception of others is controlled by rage. (This, to me, suggests you're approaching the essay textually rather than conceptually. You should open up with a statement about the concept of discovery that supports your thesis.) During the banquet scene, Prospero attempts to convince his usurpers to draw upon their natural guilt by reminding them of his tremendous power, as he directs Ariel to say “But remember- For that’s my business to you- that you three/From Milan did supplant good Prospero…The powers—delaying, not forgetting—have incensed the seas and shores, yea, all the creatures, against your peace”. (retell - also, use ellipsis to shorten your quote. It's a bit too long.) Ariel utiliz(s)es personification of the seas being “incensed”, prompting the audience to envisage the violence of a raging see. As this symbolises Prospero’s repressed rage and frustration, it is evident how indignation within his mind hinders him from making objective decisions. (Synthesise more. I'm not sensing how this relates back to your argument. Also, it's Shakespeare who utilises personification, not Ariel.) Further, through Shakespeare’s skillful adoption of tactile imagery of nature, by portraying the process of the sea, Ariel connotes that it is waiting on the actions of the three men. The imagery conveys the judgment the men will be brought to and emphasizes Prospero’s despotic power and need for revenge. Thus, Prospero’s initial perception of others is clouded by his vengeance, constricting any deliberation of his true values. (Overall, I think you're too heavily focused on the text itself rather than the concept. Markers can tell because you've barely mentioned Shakespeare in the entire paragraph. Relate the concept back to the audience and the composer; the characters should have little to no significance in your analysis.)

Furthermore, the transformation of Prospero’s character is catalysed by his celebration of Miranda’s love, resulting in careful reflection and discovery of his mortality. As Prospero’s masque disappears, he voices “We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep” (Still a bit too much retell; I don't see any relevance.) Through Shakespeare’s adept application of metaphor, (Yes! It's Shakespeare who employs metaphor) Prospero compares human life to dreams, and death to sleep, highlighting the cyclicality and proximity of death. (Nooo You went back to the character) Prospero likens his own human condition and mortality to the magical spirits he conjured up for the masque and then dispelled. His daughter’s marriage and transition into her next stage of life provokes Prospero’s profound realisation of life’s ephemeral nature and reflection of his perception of himself. Further, through Prospero’s creation and use of his magic in such a non-destructive way, the audience is positioned to understand Prospero’s budding transformation by hinting to his discovery of benevolence. Prospero’s personal realisation catalyzes a discovery of inner morals as rage no longer fuels his judgements, highlighting Prospero’s new perception and understanding of himself, eventually leading to his understanding of others. Therefore, Shakespeare depicts how factors like love can catalyse a moral transformation from a place of vengeance. (I'm not sensing a consistent train of thought here - it seems like you have many strong points by themselves. Together, they're not cohesive in terms of clarity and consistency. It's all fragmented ideas that, by themselves, appear stronger. Replacing clarity with verbosity should never be a priority in argumentative writing.)

Moreover, Shakespeare outlines how by discovering and understanding oneself, an individual can act on these new values and incorporate them into their perception of others and their world. (A bit more conceptual should be okay, but this is more like it!) Ariel's compassion for the suitors seemed to restore Prospero's humanity, provoking a reflecting realization as he affirms “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance”. (I think this point is stronger. You're linking this idea back to your main argument.) Shakespeare’s alliteration with two juxtaposing terms emphasises Prospero’s discovery of guilt and humanity. As Ariel invokes compassion within Prospero, Prospero reflects on his values, forming a newfound benevolence for the suitors and discovering the more ethical option. Shakespeare expertly links the juxtaposing terms by alliteration to highlight the extent of his contrasting transformation from his former irate perception of power. Through this epiphany, a sudden emancipation of Prospero from his prior pitiless thinking is observed as he completely transfers from a state of vengeance to forgiveness and constructs new perceptions for the usurpers, and therefore a greater understanding of the world’s values. Thus, by forming a new perception of themselves, an individual discovers new morals and views on others, therefore transforming their world values. (I think this is a stronger paragraph because you have direction here. Still a bit too textually focused, but I can see the concept much clearer here, and you've stepped back in terms of retelling the text.)

Similarly, these aspects are explored in Sylvia Plath’s autobiographical poem Ariel, which highlights how one can emerge from a static state by the aid of a catalyst, forming new perceptions of the world around her. As Plath mounts her horse, Ariel, for an early morning horse ride, she’s initially stuck in a state of inactivity, evident in the quote “Stasis in darkness”. (Still retell. Consider this quote more profoundly, remember that discovery doesn't necessarily come directly from a physical change. In fact, most discoveries are metaphysical.) Plath skillfully employs sibilance to communicate the imagery of a snake; coiled and ready to spring, giving potential energy to the rider on the horse. Consonance albeit highlights the stationary hesitation of the rider to move as its linking effect portrays her as being at one with the darkness. These techniques intertwine to introduce the rider as a passive individual, however further hinting at the opportunity for transformation in identity perception with the help of motivation from the outside world. This budding transformation and adoption of strength is evident in the quote “White Godiva, I unpeel dead hands, dead stringencies”. Plath’s adoption of metaphor highlights the shedding the rider is undertaking, which, when paired with the historical allusion of “White Godiva”, symbolises “unpeeling” of moral and societal constraints and liberation from the physical world’s woes. This alters her perception of the world, awarding her with emerging self-reflection, newfound strength and freedom. Thus, through the aid of extrinsic forces, an individual is able to begin the process of discovering their true perception of themselves and others. (This is turning into a much more conceptual essay towards the end; can you see the difference in terms of your analysis between the last two paragraphs and your first two? You're still talking too textually, but it's a lot better. Your goal now is to synthesise more; make sure what you're arguing is relevant to your thesis, and make sure you have a much more personal experience with the concept of discovery to your text. This may be hard, but by personally experiencing your texts will make your analysis and argument much more insightful.)

Additionally, Plath elucidates how by understanding and reflecting on one’s identity and others, an individual stimulates a fresh perception of themselves and the world. The rider eventually becomes one with her horse’s speed and freedom, evident in the final quote “and I am the arrow…. At one with the drive into the red eye, the cauldron of mourning”. Plath aptly bestows contrast as the end quote directly juxtaposes against the first, “stasis in darkness”, highlighting to the audience the extent of her revolutionary discovery of freedom and strength. Imperative tone further portrays how the rider’s perception of themselves is void of hesitation as it highlights a fresh understanding of oneself. The rider is no longer held back by the world’s perceptions of her as she soars towards the light of day, or metaphorically to a life with direction, new values, and personal understanding, this enabled by Ariel. Therefore, personal identity discoveries have the ability to utterly transform an individual’s perception of themselves and the world, through the aid of others. (In terms of synthesis, I think this is a big improvement. You're clearly aware that this is a conceptual essay, so top job in this paragraph. A bit more in terms of direction could definitely help you - you should have some sort of idea as to what you want to argue.)

In conclusion, both texts The Tempest by William Shakespeare, and Ariel by Sylvia Plath outline how personal discoveries and new values can be catalysed through careful reflection and understanding of oneself stimulating a fresh perception of themselves, the world, and others. Both texts elucidate individuals emerging from places of grief to eventual considerations of character. (Overall, there is a big improvement from your first paragraph to your last. You've shifted to a more conceptual approach. However, I still think you need to be able to synthesise your ideas in relation to discovery a bit more clearly. There's not a lot of direction in terms of where your argument is going.)

Mark: 9/15
General feedback:
I think you understand the outcome of what is expected for this Area of Study module. However, there are still some bumps you will need to overcome by the time the HSC exams roll over.

For one, a band 6 essay will be engaging with all parts of the question. This doesn't just mean new values and new understandings. It means: new perceptions, new values, and new understandings of oneself and of others. This question is broad enough for you to choose which concept predominates, but you will need to address all parts of the question. There are a few ways you could go about it.

(1) All parts are equally as dominant. This essentially means that the new perceptions, new values, and new understandings of individuals and of others are as equally poignant within the text. No argument is prominent over the others in both or one of the texts. There are many avenues you could take with this approach. You can also play around with it in the sense that while discoveries lead to these new understandings of oneself, discovery in itself is motivated through the curiosity, ultimately transforming individuals to undertake new perceptions, new values, and new understandings.

(2) One part is prominent in one text, while the others are prominent in the other text. This is something that a lot of people neglect, but using this approach allows you to employ juxtaposition with your prescribed and your related text. Ultimately, you will need to recognise that it is ultimately a consequence of an exploration of discovery. It's the end result of discovery. Definitely consider playing around with different approaches.

Another point I would like to make is to make sure you're focusing on the concept itself. It's very common for students to write ABOUT the text, and not the experiences explored WITHIN the text. Make sure you're not talking about the characters themselves, but rather the composer and the audience. Part of the syllabus asks you to reflect and speculate on your own experiences of discovery while you undertake discoveries explored within your prescribed and related text. This means to have a deep and personal knowledge of the texts.

It doesn't matter what happens in the texts, no one cares about that. What matters is how you interpret the meaning of the text in relation to discovery. If the characters themselves transition, how is this explored with respect to the composer? And then, how does this relate back to us, as the audience? What do we get out of it? How does it resonate with our own experiences of discovery? By considering these ideas about the text and of discovery, you'll begin to make more profound notions about discovery.

I think it's also important to point out that discovery in itself is diverse. There are many layers that discovery encompasses, and make sure you're consistently referring back to the rubric to pick out the main ideas about discovery. Use the rubric as your starting point to synthesising deeper insights into discovery within your texts.

Relating back to the point above, make sure you're analysing and not describing. This comes back to your approach to the essay. A more thematic approach will enable deeper insights, while a textual approach will be very prone to describing the text. Markers can tell which approach you use just by your use of language. Using the characters more than the composer is a red alert for markers to tell them that the student is writing textually. This loses substance, and it's often very difficult to write about discovery.

Make sure you know the difference between the composer and the character. The composers employ literary devices, not the character. The characters are just puppets used by the composer to demonstrate and suggest deep and philosophical messages. Don't get them mixed up!!

What to do next:
Don't stress! There is plenty of time to improve, but to get you started, here are some suggestions for improvement.

At the end of the day, you will need to have a deep and personal connection with the texts. This means to think very deeply about the text holistically (as a whole). Are the characters motivated by a certain element of discovery? If so, how is this shown BY the composer? Keep working on this every other day. Redraft a whole paragraph, and have a direction with it. Make sure everything you're writing is backed by evidence and relates back to the main argument.

Consistently read the rubric. Make sure you have a deep understanding of each point of the rubric. Don't just have a surface level of it, make sure you have an insightful comment about each point. Write a thesis statement for each point, and get them marked here or by your teacher. This not only helps with synthesising arguments, but it enforces you to consider the ideas with a more open mind. To be able to argue any question given on the day.

Hopefully, this has been helpful to you! Good luck with half yearlies coming up.

[akirabaigent]

Hey, akirabaigent!

Sure thing! The essay with comments is located inside the spoiler tag.

Essay (marked)

Q: Discoveries inevitably lead to new perceptions of the world, new values, and new understanding of oneself and others.’ To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other text of your choosing?

Through careful reflection and understanding of oneself, personal discoveries and new values can be catalysed, stimulating a fresh perception of themselves, the world, and others. William Shakespeare explores this in his play, The Tempest, where Prospero’s desire for his usurper’s penitence prevents him from logically considering his true intentions. His ultimate discovery of empathy and profound shift in his values and perceptions is catalysed by his daughter’s marriage. This provides a reflection of himself, allowing Prospero to understand his true morals. Similarly, this is skillfully presented in the autobiographical poem Ariel by Sylvia Plath, as her early morning horse ride promotes a reflecting identity discovery of strength and freedom, stimulating the adoption of new values and perceptions of self, others, and the world. (Overall, I believe that thinking more profoundly about the catalyst nature of discovery will elevate your writing. This question is broad enough for you to develop insightful comments about discovery as a means for individuals to uncover new truths about themselves. What you're doing appears very surface level, you're not discussing the concept of discovery in a way that elicits new ideas for the reader.)

Firstly, in The Tempest, Prospero’s initial purpose is revenge as his perception of others is controlled by rage. (This, to me, suggests you're approaching the essay textually rather than conceptually. You should open up with a statement about the concept of discovery that supports your thesis.) During the banquet scene, Prospero attempts to convince his usurpers to draw upon their natural guilt by reminding them of his tremendous power, as he directs Ariel to say “But remember- For that’s my business to you- that you three/From Milan did supplant good Prospero…The powers—delaying, not forgetting—have incensed the seas and shores, yea, all the creatures, against your peace”. (retell - also, use ellipsis to shorten your quote. It's a bit too long.) Ariel utiliz(s)es personification of the seas being “incensed”, prompting the audience to envisage the violence of a raging see. As this symbolises Prospero’s repressed rage and frustration, it is evident how indignation within his mind hinders him from making objective decisions. (Synthesise more. I'm not sensing how this relates back to your argument. Also, it's Shakespeare who utilises personification, not Ariel.) Further, through Shakespeare’s skillful adoption of tactile imagery of nature, by portraying the process of the sea, Ariel connotes that it is waiting on the actions of the three men. The imagery conveys the judgment the men will be brought to and emphasizes Prospero’s despotic power and need for revenge. Thus, Prospero’s initial perception of others is clouded by his vengeance, constricting any deliberation of his true values. (Overall, I think you're too heavily focused on the text itself rather than the concept. Markers can tell because you've barely mentioned Shakespeare in the entire paragraph. Relate the concept back to the audience and the composer; the characters should have little to no significance in your analysis.)

Furthermore, the transformation of Prospero’s character is catalysed by his celebration of Miranda’s love, resulting in careful reflection and discovery of his mortality. As Prospero’s masque disappears, he voices “We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep” (Still a bit too much retell; I don't see any relevance.) Through Shakespeare’s adept application of metaphor, (Yes! It's Shakespeare who employs metaphor) Prospero compares human life to dreams, and death to sleep, highlighting the cyclicality and proximity of death. (Nooo You went back to the character) Prospero likens his own human condition and mortality to the magical spirits he conjured up for the masque and then dispelled. His daughter’s marriage and transition into her next stage of life provokes Prospero’s profound realisation of life’s ephemeral nature and reflection of his perception of himself. Further, through Prospero’s creation and use of his magic in such a non-destructive way, the audience is positioned to understand Prospero’s budding transformation by hinting to his discovery of benevolence. Prospero’s personal realisation catalyzes a discovery of inner morals as rage no longer fuels his judgements, highlighting Prospero’s new perception and understanding of himself, eventually leading to his understanding of others. Therefore, Shakespeare depicts how factors like love can catalyse a moral transformation from a place of vengeance. (I'm not sensing a consistent train of thought here - it seems like you have many strong points by themselves. Together, they're not cohesive in terms of clarity and consistency. It's all fragmented ideas that, by themselves, appear stronger. Replacing clarity with verbosity should never be a priority in argumentative writing.)

Moreover, Shakespeare outlines how by discovering and understanding oneself, an individual can act on these new values and incorporate them into their perception of others and their world. (A bit more conceptual should be okay, but this is more like it!) Ariel's compassion for the suitors seemed to restore Prospero's humanity, provoking a reflecting realization as he affirms “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance”. (I think this point is stronger. You're linking this idea back to your main argument.) Shakespeare’s alliteration with two juxtaposing terms emphasises Prospero’s discovery of guilt and humanity. As Ariel invokes compassion within Prospero, Prospero reflects on his values, forming a newfound benevolence for the suitors and discovering the more ethical option. Shakespeare expertly links the juxtaposing terms by alliteration to highlight the extent of his contrasting transformation from his former irate perception of power. Through this epiphany, a sudden emancipation of Prospero from his prior pitiless thinking is observed as he completely transfers from a state of vengeance to forgiveness and constructs new perceptions for the usurpers, and therefore a greater understanding of the world’s values. Thus, by forming a new perception of themselves, an individual discovers new morals and views on others, therefore transforming their world values. (I think this is a stronger paragraph because you have direction here. Still a bit too textually focused, but I can see the concept much clearer here, and you've stepped back in terms of retelling the text.)

Similarly, these aspects are explored in Sylvia Plath’s autobiographical poem Ariel, which highlights how one can emerge from a static state by the aid of a catalyst, forming new perceptions of the world around her. As Plath mounts her horse, Ariel, for an early morning horse ride, she’s initially stuck in a state of inactivity, evident in the quote “Stasis in darkness”. (Still retell. Consider this quote more profoundly, remember that discovery doesn't necessarily come directly from a physical change. In fact, most discoveries are metaphysical.) Plath skillfully employs sibilance to communicate the imagery of a snake; coiled and ready to spring, giving potential energy to the rider on the horse. Consonance albeit highlights the stationary hesitation of the rider to move as its linking effect portrays her as being at one with the darkness. These techniques intertwine to introduce the rider as a passive individual, however further hinting at the opportunity for transformation in identity perception with the help of motivation from the outside world. This budding transformation and adoption of strength is evident in the quote “White Godiva, I unpeel dead hands, dead stringencies”. Plath’s adoption of metaphor highlights the shedding the rider is undertaking, which, when paired with the historical allusion of “White Godiva”, symbolises “unpeeling” of moral and societal constraints and liberation from the physical world’s woes. This alters her perception of the world, awarding her with emerging self-reflection, newfound strength and freedom. Thus, through the aid of extrinsic forces, an individual is able to begin the process of discovering their true perception of themselves and others. (This is turning into a much more conceptual essay towards the end; can you see the difference in terms of your analysis between the last two paragraphs and your first two? You're still talking too textually, but it's a lot better. Your goal now is to synthesise more; make sure what you're arguing is relevant to your thesis, and make sure you have a much more personal experience with the concept of discovery to your text. This may be hard, but by personally experiencing your texts will make your analysis and argument much more insightful.)

Additionally, Plath elucidates how by understanding and reflecting on one’s identity and others, an individual stimulates a fresh perception of themselves and the world. The rider eventually becomes one with her horse’s speed and freedom, evident in the final quote “and I am the arrow…. At one with the drive into the red eye, the cauldron of mourning”. Plath aptly bestows contrast as the end quote directly juxtaposes against the first, “stasis in darkness”, highlighting to the audience the extent of her revolutionary discovery of freedom and strength. Imperative tone further portrays how the rider’s perception of themselves is void of hesitation as it highlights a fresh understanding of oneself. The rider is no longer held back by the world’s perceptions of her as she soars towards the light of day, or metaphorically to a life with direction, new values, and personal understanding, this enabled by Ariel. Therefore, personal identity discoveries have the ability to utterly transform an individual’s perception of themselves and the world, through the aid of others. (In terms of synthesis, I think this is a big improvement. You're clearly aware that this is a conceptual essay, so top job in this paragraph. A bit more in terms of direction could definitely help you - you should have some sort of idea as to what you want to argue.)

In conclusion, both texts The Tempest by William Shakespeare, and Ariel by Sylvia Plath outline how personal discoveries and new values can be catalysed through careful reflection and understanding of oneself stimulating a fresh perception of themselves, the world, and others. Both texts elucidate individuals emerging from places of grief to eventual considerations of character. (Overall, there is a big improvement from your first paragraph to your last. You've shifted to a more conceptual approach. However, I still think you need to be able to synthesise your ideas in relation to discovery a bit more clearly. There's not a lot of direction in terms of where your argument is going.)

Mark: 9/15
General feedback:
I think you understand the outcome of what is expected for this Area of Study module. However, there are still some bumps you will need to overcome by the time the HSC exams roll over.

For one, a band 6 essay will be engaging with all parts of the question. This doesn't just mean new values and new understandings. It means: new perceptions, new values, and new understandings of oneself and of others. This question is broad enough for you to choose which concept predominates, but you will need to address all parts of the question. There are a few ways you could go about it.

(1) All parts are equally as dominant. This essentially means that the new perceptions, new values, and new understandings of individuals and of others are as equally poignant within the text. No argument is prominent over the others in both or one of the texts. There are many avenues you could take with this approach. You can also play around with it in the sense that while discoveries lead to these new understandings of oneself, discovery in itself is motivated through the curiosity, ultimately transforming individuals to undertake new perceptions, new values, and new understandings.

(2) One part is prominent in one text, while the others are prominent in the other text. This is something that a lot of people neglect, but using this approach allows you to employ juxtaposition with your prescribed and your related text. Ultimately, you will need to recognise that it is ultimately a consequence of an exploration of discovery. It's the end result of discovery. Definitely consider playing around with different approaches.

Another point I would like to make is to make sure you're focusing on the concept itself. It's very common for students to write ABOUT the text, and not the experiences explored WITHIN the text. Make sure you're not talking about the characters themselves, but rather the composer and the audience. Part of the syllabus asks you to reflect and speculate on your own experiences of discovery while you undertake discoveries explored within your prescribed and related text. This means to have a deep and personal knowledge of the texts.

It doesn't matter what happens in the texts, no one cares about that. What matters is how you interpret the meaning of the text in relation to discovery. If the characters themselves transition, how is this explored with respect to the composer? And then, how does this relate back to us, as the audience? What do we get out of it? How does it resonate with our own experiences of discovery? By considering these ideas about the text and of discovery, you'll begin to make more profound notions about discovery.

I think it's also important to point out that discovery in itself is diverse. There are many layers that discovery encompasses, and make sure you're consistently referring back to the rubric to pick out the main ideas about discovery. Use the rubric as your starting point to synthesising deeper insights into discovery within your texts.

Relating back to the point above, make sure you're analysing and not describing. This comes back to your approach to the essay. A more thematic approach will enable deeper insights, while a textual approach will be very prone to describing the text. Markers can tell which approach you use just by your use of language. Using the characters more than the composer is a red alert for markers to tell them that the student is writing textually. This loses substance, and it's often very difficult to write about discovery.

Make sure you know the difference between the composer and the character. The composers employ literary devices, not the character. The characters are just puppets used by the composer to demonstrate and suggest deep and philosophical messages. Don't get them mixed up!!

What to do next:
Don't stress! There is plenty of time to improve, but to get you started, here are some suggestions for improvement.

At the end of the day, you will need to have a deep and personal connection with the texts. This means to think very deeply about the text holistically (as a whole). Are the characters motivated by a certain element of discovery? If so, how is this shown BY the composer? Keep working on this every other day. Redraft a whole paragraph, and have a direction with it. Make sure everything you're writing is backed by evidence and relates back to the main argument.

Consistently read the rubric. Make sure you have a deep understanding of each point of the rubric. Don't just have a surface level of it, make sure you have an insightful comment about each point. Write a thesis statement for each point, and get them marked here or by your teacher. This not only helps with synthesising arguments, but it enforces you to consider the ideas with a more open mind. To be able to argue any question given on the day.

Hopefully, this has been helpful to you! Good luck with half yearlies coming up.

Thank you so incredibly much! I was not expecting to get this much feedback at all! This is so so so so helpful thank you so much again!!!

[akirabaigent]

Hey! I did Tempest for my hsc and wouldn't mind giving your essay a look, will edit this comment later on with your feedback.

Thank you! I really appreciate it.

[Opengangs]

Thank you so incredibly much! I was not expecting to get this much feedback at all! This is so so so so helpful thank you so much again!!!

Hey, hey!
I'm glad it was helpful to you. If you have any more responses, feel free to upload them

[akirabaigent]

Hey, hey!
I'm glad it was helpful to you. If you have any more responses, feel free to upload them

Hi there, sorry to bother you but I just wanted to know how a thesis would look if I were to use the second approach you mentioned about "how one aspect was a bit more predominant in one text rather than the other" or something like that. Would I talk about that in my thesis or have another sentence after a normal thesis regarding that idea?
Thank you so much!

[Opengangs]

Hi there, sorry to bother you but I just wanted to know how a thesis would look if I were to use the second approach you mentioned about "how one aspect was a bit more predominant in one text rather than the other" or something like that. Would I talk about that in my thesis or have another sentence after a normal thesis regarding that idea?
Thank you so much!

Hey, akirabaigent!
Sure thing.

So, you can compare the ways in which these perceptions differ in both texts; this highlights the diversity and complexity of discovery. It enables you to mould your perspective of discovery within the text to the question, allowing it to flourish on its own. It's a little bit harder as opposed to the traditional "all parts are equally as prominent", but it suggests depth and sophisticated understanding of what's required and of the text itself.

Your thesis should still discuss your ideas, but your topic sentences may differ depending on what idea you're going to be addressing. For instance, this is what a thesis may look like:
Discoveries have the potential to change an individual's outlook on others, but where this discovery is rooted ultimately begins with their perception on themselves. It is only through an understanding of their own selves will they begin to understand others.

To deconstruct this thesis, we've established that it is only through an understanding of our own selves that we begin to see change or a transformation in others. You can then highlight how this idea is explored in terms of three things: self and how the self can become a catalyst to smaller discoveries, society and how society can ultimately lead towards self or because of self, and the wider world. (On second thought, this question is pretty difficult to do so, but nonetheless still manageable).

Not much has changed compared to a traditional approach of "all parts are equally as predominant"; your first paragraph may then discuss the prominence of self-reflection as opposed to a wider reflection on society. So, you can discuss how Shakespeare/Plath emphasises self-reflection as a means to understanding more about themselves and then another paragraph discussing the idea of individuals reflecting on the wider society. This allows you to deconstruct the question in terms of self, society, and then the world: three big ideas that you can definitely explore in an integrated style of writing.

Hopefully, this gives you some direction in terms of approaching a question in the HSC