HSC Journal- The Final Years of School

[clovvy]

I noticed that now I can focus on one thing at a time much better than before....  This will assist me with anything in the long run....  When I choose to relax and not think about exams, I was able to do that just fine this time around...  Also one of the biggest regrets is that I chose to ditch my family and relationships over marks and ATAR, but didn't help because of severe anxiety that causes it and mental health issues that ultimately impacts my performances...  Whilst I am somewhat interested with the fields that I listed, the reasons behind why I list them is to cover up my true intentions behind these ATARs, only for revenge, fulfill my anger built up over the duration of 3 years, proving something to someone who put me down severely at one point, and to prove that I don't need God and I will be doing just fine without these bullcrap...  And all of these seemed to be shattered...   I cut my ties with the church that supports me (A lot of backstory come into this, I don't want to talk about it)..

Now with all these gone, I am not even sure for what reason I am doing this, why I am aiming for these atars to begin with, and why do I want to get into uni? I think I am way too childish and I have not matured at all over the past years.. I am turning 18 5 days after my final hsc exam, but I am not ready to go out to the real world just yet....  I wonder who ever thought about this?

[fantasticbeasts3]

Hi clovvy!

Can I just say it's been so great reading your journey -- you've come so far since just a few months ago. :-) Mindset is everything throughout the HSC and it's been so good to see you're leaning towards positivity lately. Well done!

This is a bit of a loaded question but do you know what kind of career you want? I know it's hard but revenge shouldn't be at the forefront of getting a good ATAR. The most important thing is you do it for yourself, and that leads back into career. Uni is one pathway to a career, so your ATAR aim should feed into your future, you get me? A bit on the maturity thing too -- I can relate. As a first-year uni student looking back on the HSC, I don't think you need to worry a lot about that. You kinda do it as you go and life is a learning process anyway! :-)

All the best :-)

[clovvy]

Hi clovvy!

Can I just say it's been so great reading your journey -- you've come so far since just a few months ago. :-) Mindset is everything throughout the HSC and it's been so good to see you're leaning towards positivity lately. Well done!

This is a bit of a loaded question but do you know what kind of career you want? I know it's hard but revenge shouldn't be at the forefront of getting a good ATAR. The most important thing is you do it for yourself, and that leads back into career. Uni is one pathway to a career, so your ATAR aim should feed into your future, you get me? A bit on the maturity thing too -- I can relate. As a first-year uni student looking back on the HSC, I don't think you need to worry a lot about that. You kinda do it as you go and life is a learning process anyway! :-)

All the best :-)

The truth is, I don't really know what I wanted to do next... Although I have expressed interest in the stem field mainly....  Jobwise I am not sure, careerwise I am not sure either... 

[clovvy]

The last weeks of school felt painful so I decided to miss out classes and deliberately not attend school during clap outs...  There are no photos of me during the last days of school either...  Since I have been convinced to at least attend graduation dinner, I gave it a crack.. It was honestly one of the most painful times for me...  I only sat with people that I am relatively closer with at school, and while everyone is enjoying themselves as it is their final days together, I on the other hand was in despair but I did not show it....  While I look at the award list..  I did get one for coming 2nd in 4U..  But to me this is nothing to be proud of or anything excellent....  When they announce the first Bach of who became dux of school etc, I left the event midway without saying a single word to anyone, as I walked with anger,  pain and severe disappointments inside... It was a terrible night for me...  I did not take any of my awards at the end of the day...

Today I ended blocking people from my school on my contact list as means to disable them from asking for my atar..  In total I have blocked 40 of my school mates...

[clovvy]

Well HSC holidays...  Pastpaper spams, and answering forum questions with my best ability, sometimes only to relieve stress based on my own problems..  Getting likes on my responses do feel good and it is like a band-aid from my own emotional pain...

But what's more important is saving as much marks as possible in HSC, as well as try to NOT worry about ATAR until my very last exam...  Although anxiety is very badly triggered, and I have so many instanced where I just want to quit HSC altogether...  Sometimes there is that tiny bit of hope that I can at least scrap 90.00 ATAR that I would be content with (not impressed with but content with)... I have received all the help that I can so I really want to make sure that I don't waste them.. 

[clovvy]

Had a long massive day today and it is a bloodbath (not in a bad way), but somewhat satisfying.... So today I was sitting a mock exam written by the bored of studies known as the BOS trials, where they create exam papers formatted similar to the HSC for MX1 and MX2, however they are ON steroids while still on the scope of the syllabus, even the top maths students from Sydney Grammar complains about the difficulty.... I encounter unusual and really WEIRD questions that require superb understanding or thinking outside the box, even early questions felt like Q16 in HSC or harder... on the plus side though we were given lunch for a long exhausting day...
Now I am tired after a 5 hour exam period and now I am going to rest and perhaps one of the rare occasions where I felt that my break is very strongly deserved so it is satisfying... furthermore, I was able to surpress my inner impulsive behaviour which is also a good thing so I don't get angry as much AND I do not engage in impulsive behaviours that I could regret later, hence I think I can break this cycle at the very least..

[clovvy]

Yesterday Night time
I was walking to Kingsford to have Lan Zhou La Mian as I felt that I have worked quite alright and pretty happy about it....But an unfortunate occurs... My phone fell out of my pocket cracked heavily...Whilst it still have its original function and still works, the touch screen is perfectly fine.... However the graphic was very badly damaged and even worse I have A LOT of important documents in it T_T, but thankfully half of it is still clear enough for me to write down the important details so they are not lost in any way...
Once home I decided to watch the new season of Sword Art Online first episode that came up recently... It was the Alicization arc and it was epic!! Good way to end the night but RIP Redmi note 4 ~late 2016-9th October 2018~7:30pmish

Today my English teacher announces through email that she is at school for a certain hour and I can get direct feedback from her if I come and it was raining heavily (But I came anyway to discuss some stuff regarding my creative)... Since story doesn't seem to work for me, I have a different approach to creative writing that no one in my school does, it is in the form of a poem so to speak... Attempt the JRAHS English Trial paper for 2 hours and get a panic attack during exam simulation (similar to what happened during my half yearlies and some of my trial exams)... I better get used to it by the time the HSC comes...

[clovvy]

Phew english is finally DONE!!!, I gotta say I somewhat did surprise myself that for paper 1 I finished every section under 40 minutes and I felt as though all of them are doable despite the fact that in my practice I consistently failed to do that.... and gotta say the discovery paper is very similar to how KNOX grammar lay their paper out but the texts are ruse-like lvl difficulty....

Paper 2 is probably what I do not expect the most since I never EVER complete a full paper under two hours and during trials I have a breakdown and I used up all of my rest breaks that the deputy actually came to check up on me.... But in the HSC I only take one rest breaks after I finish 2 of my essays and then when I start on my last one I realised I have more than enough time to spare so I did extend my essay a little bit and finished with 5 minutes to spare and check my responses with minor changes here and there.... I am happy overall.....

Now I can focus on my other subjects without any worry and once HSC is done I will still attend classes unofficially until my HSC results came out to determine whether I move on or redo my HSC again...

[clovvy]

The MX2 exam was a total blow for me and I did struggle with the paper..... I felt as though I could have done heaps  better only if I was able to overcome my inner turmoil earlier so that I actually get more done..... But what's done is done, I cannot do anything about that paper anymore and I am just hoping that my raw mark is enough to hit the E3 category of 80+ despite my initial goal of 90+ in 4U.... after all it doesn't seem like I was able to catch up to them at all, I was unable to gain the fame like those who goes to selective schools and get the high E4s and band 6s...  I am just wondering if this is my capability in HSC maths, how can I even get HD average with uni-lvl maths like this?....
Although the most common suggestion is if I don't get the ATAR I wanted I can just transfer with average of 75+ which is something that I don't want to do... so I still have the option of repeating HSC in mind... while the argument against it is that I don't learn 'anything new', at the same time I haven't quite figured out what I really wanted..........
While I am trying to just focus on the next exam and not be concerned about what's done (I have failed to do this throughout the year)... All I have to do is just finish all of the exams I have and then I will decide.... although teachers may thought it is exciting to finally graduate, they may assume everyone is looking forward to graduating....I do not.... Unless my results are good enough even though I may not necessarily be satisfied with it.... I really don't want to be anywhere below the top 10% of the HSC pyramid... I will never accept that no matter what... this is why a HD average in uni while doing difficult courses may cancel out the effects of HSC maybe since it is a lot harder to get 90+ WAM over 90+ ATAR...

[RuiAce]

Hey man, just wanted to say - this paper got pretty absurd towards the end. By the time it got to Q15 the amount of writing became noticeably tedious and Q16 was visibly insane this year. Don't think too hard about the paper anymore. Whilst Q1-14 seemed fair, I genuinely don't know how I feel about the last two, because their difficulty feels on par or higher than first year

[clovvy]

I hated this... I walked out of the exam feeling completely devastated.... MX1 the subject I am confident with.... I felt I was unable to show them what I can do.... Q14 destroys me more than I wanted or even expected... whenever I did a HSC 3U paper I have never encounter difficulties that is on par on very difficult harder 3U question which is a higher order MX2 type... a blow in confidence and feeling deeply humiliated as well as realising I make silly mistakes that will cost me marks..... never have I ever did a paper where I can't do a single question in a Q14 in a 3U HSC paper... this one I felt dogged and hit my vital spot harder than anything.... at the end of the day I was unable to solve the last questions of 4U nor 3U despite the aim of being able to do them by the HSC.... I felt ashamed and unaccomplised.. do I really have to rely on transferring between courses? I felt really humiliated..

[headsup]

Heyy!!!

I truly believe it was a tough exam..... I basically didn't get most of the questions.... The most important thing now is to move on and focus on the remaining 2 exams that you have with the hope to boost your ATAR overall.... I think a lot of people are feeling the same but it is important not to sweat things that cannot be changed!!
Best of luck with your final exams! You can do this.

[clovvy]

Heyy!!!

I truly believe it was a tough exam..... I basically didn't get most of the questions.... The most important thing now is to move on and focus on the remaining 2 exams that you have with the hope to boost your ATAR overall.... I think a lot of people are feeling the same but it is important not to sweat things that cannot be changed!!
Best of luck with your final exams! You can do this.

thanks man... yea I am trying my best to both learn and cope with stress at the same time... physics is by far my weakest so I am hoping I did ok somewhat...

[Bri MT]

Hey

I felt shattered after my maths exams. I wanted to do specialist (hard VCE maths) but my school didn't offer it so I did methods (medium VCE maths). When I did my practice exams I was doing great & I remember going a lecturer at a revision lecture my school organised saying I had a good chance of getting 45+ (top 2 percent of the state). But I overly focused and was thrown on exam day by two things a) an incorrect graph in the last question b) the fact that rank 1 hadn't done any exam preparation and wasn't going to try. My SACs were scaled to a C+ and I scored a B+ on exam 1.
I questioned everything.  How arrogant was I to think I could get 45+ when I didn't even get 35+? How did I think I could have done spec? Was I actually no good at maths? 
Now I'm in uni doing maths harder than specialist and I haven't sat my exam yet but my past couple of assignments have been HDs.
At the start of the year I was bitter about my math scores,  but with time I've moved on, and so have my scores.
It's unlikely to happen overnight, but you'll be able to move on & see that your performance here doesn't define you too.

[clovvy]

I have made my settings so that I cannot be contacted by any means and I will only hide in the shadows... My marks were far more disgusting than expected that it's not even worth looking at my ATAR for.... one subject I got scaled down significantly by the cohort (english standard, thanks to my terrible cohort).... I almost scrap repeating as an option but after seeing my results this morning I reconsider it again even though Isaac delaTorre told me it's a bad idea and don't repeat no matter what... I have taken into account everything that I was told, there are many pathways etc... for me, that pathway is definitely repeating my HSC all over again it seems