Hey! Would you mind giving me some feedback on how to improve this creative writing piece? Or if I should scrap it and start over? Thank you! 
Breathe, just breathe, there’s nothing you can do about it now, just breathe
As my tiny frame continuously rocks backwards and forwards on the cushioning mat upon the floor, I continuously intertwine the hairs upon my head between my fingers in an anxiety ridden frenzy.
Repeat of continuously twice. Also I think this is just a tad over the top. Also no need to say hairs upon my head as I would assume they are on your head!It’s only one test, just one, they’re not gonna hold that against you in an interview
A tsunami wave of anxiousness floods by mind.
A nice try but again just a bit exaggerated.The calculations, the formulas, the endless lines of working out, all that study just to achieve a measly 30%, pathetic.
Don't know exactly where you are going with this yet but my teacher recommended not doing a story on school exams as they are cliched.Without even thinking, releasing the clumps of blonde hair from my grip, I begin shaking my hands about like a manic child, swatting away my nervous energy like a fly upon my skin.
Nice imagery! It’s all too much, I feel completely overwhelmed.
No need to say this as the previous sentences give this impression.I know that I simply don’t have the strength to sit for this exam. I am not smart enough. I am not strong enough…
Your writing style is a bit too much as if the character is thinking inside her head the whole time - a bit too much like writing a diary entry., I think of my Nan. I remember what she would always say to calm me down;
“All good things start with c, candles and candy”
Yes, yes that’s it
I make a quick dash, , to the kitchen for a handful of lollies and a lighter. I perch myself upon the bed, pop a StarBurst into my mouth and light the candle beside my bed.
The intoxicating aroma of vanilla bean with the tangy taste of a strawberry StarBurst, the anxiety began to cease. My eyes begin to droop in relaxation, and for the first time in hours…
…my mind goes quiet.
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From the sublimity of sleep to the rhoticity of consciousness,
Rhoticity? I was awoken to the sound of screeching sirens. My back stiffens as I rise to be perpendicular to the bed frame as quick as the snap of a mouse trap.
Simile doesn't work here - seems forced.What hit me next was much like eating a spicy food, at first it was subtle, and then it was all you could feel.
Again a nice try but just lacks sophisticationThe black haze full of soot and oily moisture began to climb like a crawling insect into every orifice of my body. All I could taste on my tongue was the deadly flavour of fire.
Oh my god. Oh my god, OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
Again this is too much like a diary entry in my opinion. As the adrenaline begins to pump throughout my body, my mind shifts into maximum overdrive. The newly formed layer of perspiration upon my forehead begins to seep into my already clouded eyes as my tiny bedroom starts to be consumed by the roaring flames.
Much like the room, my mind begins to suffocate as the soot seeps into my brain, after all, the adrenaline has sent my rate of respiration to jump sky high, making me inhale more than what I can handle.
A bit confusing as a sentence.I leap from my bed and reach the hallway after crossing the blanket of flames that is now the floor.
My flight or fight instinct
A bit too literal. is screaming at my conscious brain to run away as fast as I can, but there's one thing I'm forgetting.
Where is she? WHERE IS SHE? WHERE'S MY SISTER WHERE IS SHE???
Again just too dramatic. I understand the temptation to do it this way, I can imagine the panic but I just feel like it is sounding more like a drama piece than a piece of writing. I sprint towards her room with my heart banging and bashing against my ribs with each mighty leap. The last threads of my bedroom socks have withered to nothing, as the scorching ground begins to cook my feet.
Please be alive, please be alive.
My heart is now racing
Boomboomboomboomboomboom
Don't need this.Another wave of adrenaline is pumped through my veins as I see the flames beginning to crawl along the white wicker frame of my sister’s crib. Through this chaos, she has somehow remained asleep, at least I hope she is asleep.
I can’t do this I can’t do this I CAN’T DO THIS!! WHAT DO I DO WHERE DO I WHA-
I understand the need for this to highlight the panic and frustration but it just is a lazy form of writing in my opinion. I definitely understand your intentions though The window.
Without hesitation, with my baby sister seemingly unconscious in my frail and weakening arms, I summon the little strength left balled up inside of me and send it to my limbs.
I groan in pain as I climb out the window.
An accidental glance to look down at my sister, I see the finally the damage that has been inflicted on my body.
All I can see is the angry wound, the gaping hole is my upper right thigh.
Muscles torn
Bone exposed
Completely singed skin,
The smoke inhalation, this radiating burn, and my little sister, still unconscious, grows heavier by the second.
My vision becomes blurry just as my legs begin to cave.
Someone....please....
And then,
Like a god had answered by silent prayer, a man in yellow and red and a mask, lifts my sister out of my arms, while another man catches me just as I begin to collapse.
The sudden lift of weight catches me off-guard and induces a horrific coughing fit. Heaving and gagging, I'm lowered to the ground.
It’s ok its ok, we got out, I got us out.
I found a strength that I never knew I had.
I breathe.
But Before I can relish in the appreciation of still being alive, it starts.
My mother’s screams are like long howls, shaking the earth and almost curdling the blood in my veins. Her wails echo on and on as she holds my sister in her arms, rocking back and forth like a pendulum.
Eventually her voice becomes like white noise, indistinguishable, and sounding just like the siren I was awoken by.
In a pathetic attempt to distract myself from the horrendous radiating pain oscillating from my right down to the marrow, I aim my focus at the bright illuminating light of the moon above me.
The Moon, blue, so blue, like a blue flame, like a blue flame under the stove, like a can-
The candle.
The memory that will never be forgotten, begins to surface like a cancer under the skin.
I remember the lighter under my fingertips, the wick catching alight, the vanilla bean aroma, the feeling of my eyes drooping as sleep began to overcome me...I remember it all now...and now...
At the corner of my eye, I see another man in yellow and red striding towards me, with the truth of this fire, burning in his eyes.
I have stopped writing comments just because I am more concerned now about the concept of this story. I understand the discovery of strength etc. in escaping the fire and the courage in saving her sister but I feel like maybe it could be better communicated The story is too much OH MY GOD this and I can't do that and this is happening and that is happening. I don't really get a sense of the main character. It will be hard for you to write differently since
a fire is such a dramatic situation - do you have any ideas on how else to showcase the discovery of inner-strength and courage? It is very cliched but say for instance the younger sister is struggling with a form of cancer, and the older sister struggles to find the strength during the story to watch her cheerful sister losing strength. Say she wants to avoid the situation completely by ignoring the truth and believing her sister will be alright and rarely visiting, but then discovers the need to be by her sister's side etc. It is a cliched idea but it is the same sort of discovery but would be more deep and the writing style would be more meaningful and thoughtful. Keen to hear if anyone else has thoughts and what your opinion is too Brooksykait 
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Topic: English: Creative Piece! (Read 1137 times)