Poet's Well-being Journal

[turinturambar]

And after actually writing the post: I need to apologise for the sheer amount of complaining in this entry. I should probably rename the thread “Poet complains”.

Being able to write things out can be incredibly liberating, and as humans we like to share stories.  And it's great to read that others have had the same experiences and thought the same things as you.
I wouldn't worry too much about the feeling of complaining.  Write what you need/want to and people who care about it will be happy to read it.

[Poet]

Being able to write things out can be incredibly liberating, and as humans we like to share stories.  And it's great to read that others have had the same experiences and thought the same things as you.
I wouldn't worry too much about the feeling of complaining.  Write what you need/want to and people who care about it will be happy to read it.

Thank you! <3

Hang on a second guys, I just gotta give a lil rebuttal to this statement before I begin:

I generally agree with you, but I don't see it as an either / or.
Earth is a beautiful, amazing place, and the idea that if there's a disaster we can just hop over to the moon or Mars and start over is crazy.

At the same time, space exploration is a tiny proportion of government budgets, it continues our species' urge to discover and explore, it lifts the human spirit, and the research done for and in the space program has often been able to be used by all of us on earth as well.
Yes, we could do a better job protecting this earth, but I don't think gutting the space program would do anything to help this.

It's definitely a good point you bring up, turinturambar; we as a species love to test the limits, push ourselves, discover, and this boosts moral and, as you have said, "lifts the human spirit" (I wear braces developed from metal originally used by NASA, there's your fact of the day!) However, I never said that we shouldn't explore at all, or that we should shut down the space program entirely; I merely spoke of the detrimental impact that something such as the Mars initiative (purely foolish exploration to see if we can make a new home on Mars after we trash Earth) is having on our planet. And as you have said, that plan - to repopulate, let alone thrive on another planet - is outright crazy. No, ‘gutting the space program’ would not be the answer – the majority of what they do is fantastic. Bringing the plight of our beautiful Earth to the forefront, making people aware of our dying world, is.
This is just to clarify my previous statement, hopefully I haven’t offended anyone at all.

___

Hey AN community.
Today was amazing; I actually managed to mentally prepare myself and step out into the unknown with legs that only shook slightly (thanks, anxiety) and get to the lectures early. Weirdly enough, I feel like AN is currently my sole motivation – I wouldn’t be up and around in the city if I didn’t feel AN mattered, haha. Actually, I feel like with the help of some people on here, I’ve been able to pull myself up a little more out of whatever’s been holding me down. Enough to get out of the house and see people, anyway. I'm not sure about school (and the people there) quite yet.
Stupid dark spider webs. They’re so sticky. So messy and complicated.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to untangle myself without a couple still clinging to my back.

Met with some fantastic people (Joseph41, the ‘anonymous but amazing new friend I hung out with who will remain anonymous but amazing’ and insanipi *honorary mention to insanipi’s sister*! (I did keep an eye out for other AN people but I guess you guys weren’t where I was)) and I felt really encouraged by this. After working so hard, both physically and mentally, to get to the lectures in the first place, I felt welcomed and excited to learn and be there where I knew the people I was seeking out wouldn’t judge me for just who they saw physically, which is a lot of what I worry about.

It also gave me the confidence to eat a little bit of free pizza too, so at least I've eaten a little something of substance in the past two days. You guys proud of me? It's progress. A little bit, but I'm going places haha

Can't wait for tomorrow's Legal lecture with Karly. I'll see you guys there.

[Poet]

So Karly's lecture was amazing, I loved the cute animals every fifth slide. I got a lot out of those lectures, it was really good.
*now let's begin the rant*
And guys, listen; Nick's hair is amazing, and I will begin a punch on with anyone who begs to differ. And I will win, for Nick's hair's honor.
What is with AN people and bagging ATAR Note's staff's hair, anyway? They did it with Brady as well, and his hair was legit on point. If you're going to bag anyone's hair, bag mine because it never stays in place, but leave them alone! What did their hair ever do to you? Make you feel inferior? Because I wouldn't be surprised. Harrumph.
*rant over*

Today's been really bad. Like, really bad. Woke up this morning and physically couldn't get out of bed for almost forty minutes, even though it's the first day back at school. Actually, because it's the first day back at school. Dragged myself downstairs and immediately began to cry because I didn't want to go to school and see people who make me feel terrible about myself. I'm still struggling to eat, so I'm beginning to feel pretty weak and I know I have to but it's just really hard and it takes ages to actually work up the motivation to put the food in my mouth. That being said, I'm going to the doctor tonight to get my referral and some help with whatever's going on in my head right now, because I'm a bit stumped as to how to help myself. All of my methods are failing - even drawing at the moment, which never happens, but it's like I'm intent on not making myself happy.
Also, it's extremely difficult to eat and wallow in misery at the same time, and I seem to be intent on the latter lately.

By some miracle, I'm now sitting at our school library and the year eleven next to me is just being really nice but it's sort of awkward because I'm just silently crying and trying to do my work and he's asking me questions about my holidays like I'm not just sitting there crying and trying to do my work.
I don't think I'm going to be able to go to my classes this afternoon. I'm in a spare right now, so I'm okay with that, but I just don't know if I'll be able to mentally deal with seeing the people I've been avoiding.

What frustrates me most is that I truly thought this year would be better, or different somehow. Year 12 is the end, and I can get out of here as soon as I finish my exams. I've kept myself so busy with schoolwork and actual work and running about, but now I just don't know. I'm trying so hard, and for what? What does it matter? I'm going to end up in the dark again no matter what I do. I'm here now.
I've experienced this before - but for some reason I just can't pull myself out, and once again I hate myself for it. But I guess I'm just finding any reason to hate myself. I go out of my way to hate myself, and that isn't normal, and I know it isn't normal. But I hate myself anyway.

I sincerely hope that nobody else feels this way right now, but if you do, get help. Seriously.

I have nothing else to say.

[PhoenixxFire]

*now let's begin the rant*
And guys, listen; Nick's hair is amazing, and I will begin a punch on with anyone who begs to differ. And I will win, for Nick's hair's honor.
What is with AN people and bagging ATAR Note's staff's hair, anyway? They did it with Brady as well, and his hair was legit on point. If you're going to bag anyone's hair, bag mine because it never stays in place, but leave them alone! What did their hair ever do to you? Make you feel inferior? Because I wouldn't be surprised. Harrumph.
*rant over*

Have you seen Nick's latest snapchat? There's a few people for you to fight there and I'll help you

On a more serious note (not that insults to Nick's hair aren't serious), It's great that you're going to the doctor, I really hope they can help you. Just remember that set backs are normal and you will get through this too. We're all on your side, let me know if there's anything I can do to help

Here's a cute picture of my dog

and one of my cat trying to fit into a basket

[K888]

Can confirm that Nick's hairstyle doesn't have the approval of the mod team

[Poet]

Can confirm that Nick's hairstyle doesn't have the approval of the mod team

1v1 me


Oh, and update: I'm home now. And I managed to stop crying for long enough to eat an egg (thanks to Calebark)

[Poet]

Have you seen Nick's latest snapchat? There's a few people for you to fight there and I'll help you

Umm, no (don't have a phone haha) but he told me, and I have to say I am extremely disappointed with some people. *cough K8 cough*

On a more serious note (not that insults to Nick's hair aren't serious), It's great that you're going to the doctor, I really hope they can help you. Just remember that set backs are normal and you will get through this too. We're all on your side, let me know if there's anything I can do to help

And thank you. I hope so, too.
I really appreciate it. I'll be sure to ask you for leg-ups in Biology if I need any haha ;p  💗

---------

Official diagnosis as of last night: mixed anxiety and depression. Again.
I was congratulated about this which I found extremely amusing.
On the plus side, I know the drill with this and I know I can push through eventually.
The downside: I have been diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depression. Again.
Last time it took me a full 6 months to pull myself up to the point where I could trust again.
Looks like Year 12 is gonna be a bit of a repeat. RIP my ATAR.

At least I know how to deal with my feelings now (mostly). It’s just difficult to find the time to draw, craft, hike or read – and even then, when I have the time, I lack the motivation. As I have said, sometimes I’m intent on hating myself. Avoiding things that I love and know will help me through is definitely a part of this, something I need to improve on.

My old drama teacher is a beautiful person; he’s almost like the informal, untrained and unqualified counsellor at our school, because nobody likes the actual counsellor. He’s a huge nerd about comics as well, so I can talk with him in detail about my favourite characters and DC arch stories and he still knows more than me.

Why is fantasy so much easier than reality? Books and dreams? Is it because we wish for idealism, perfection? Sometimes, good endings are nothing more than mere fiction. I hope with all my heart that we will all one day find the ideal.

But for now, sorrow closes in, like a tightened fist around my heart. Guilt and grief intermingled.

”You will only ever have two choices.
Love or fear.”
I chose not to fear long ago.
But sometimes your fears can come back to haunt you.
And in the end, who am I to stop them?

A slave to the Machine
The world spins
And I am stuck
In its gears.

Song of the Day: Home, AK & Mapps.

Spoiler

Poem: Do not go gentle into that good night, Dylan Thomas, 1915.

Spoiler

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

[EEEEEEP]

Umm, no (don't have a phone haha) but he told me, and I have to say I am extremely disappointed with some people. *cough K8 cough*

And thank you. I hope so, too.
I really appreciate it. I'll be sure to ask you for leg-ups in Biology if I need any haha ;p  💗

---------

Official diagnosis as of last night: mixed anxiety and depression. Again.
I was congratulated about this which I found extremely amusing.
On the plus side, I know the drill with this and I know I can push through eventually.
The downside: I have been diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depression. Again.
Last time it took me a full 6 months to pull myself up to the point where I could trust again.
Looks like Year 12 is gonna be a bit of a repeat. RIP my ATAR.

At least I know how to deal with my feelings now (mostly). It’s just difficult to find the time to draw, craft, hike or read – and even then, when I have the time, I lack the motivation. As I have said, sometimes I’m intent on hating myself. Avoiding things that I love and know will help me through is definitely a part of this, something I need to improve on.

Hi there =)

You'll get through it, with the support of your friends, family and counsellor! The dark times may be here, but they'll get brighter ^^.  You're already doing yourself a favour by seeing the counsellor.

As for your ATAR, you might be eligible for SEAS

Demonstrate through your impact statement how your medical condition has impacted on your education. To assist in your assessment, include details about how the circumstances have adversely affected your ability to study, access educational facilities and resources, attend school or tuition regularly and perform in assessment tasks.

[Poet]

Hi there =)

You'll get through it, with the support of your friends, family and counsellor! The dark times may be here, but they'll get brighter ^^.  You're already doing yourself a favour by seeing the counsellor.

As for your ATAR, you might be eligible for SEAS

Hey E6P, thanks for your encouragement and recommendation. <3
I've been talking to my careers counsellor about SEAS, and I'm going to apply. Hopefully, my ATAR won't be too adversely affected - I'll still do the best I can - but it's a 'just in case' scenario.

[Poet]

M-rated for Melodrama warning - it's actually how I feel, but the Poet's definitely come out in this one.
Sorry, guys.

Motivation - nought. The chasm has opened in full.
I find myself falling, falling, an endless void beneath me. Will I ever touch ground? And when I do, will I get the chance to feel the firm earth before I’m lost once again? Will I be injured by the force of my landing?

A nightmare, confused, alone.

Sleepless nights and sleeping days,
Cold, unfeeling, harsh as blades.
Words like fire upon my skin, breath of dragons, closing in.
Predators hunting in the night, always felt, but not by sight.
A heart that beats a little too fast, a feeling that will only last
As long as I am still awake,
So sleep, little one, know you are safe
From the monsters in your closet and the terrors that await
That alight on your shoulder like ghostly little fingers
Their touch light but their burden weighty,
Memories, oh cold memories.
Memories; to sleep I go,
Clinging on to love I know
Will ever die, and never return
For me, abandoned, left alone.

Oh, to dream without fear. To give without worry. To love without anxiety. To tell the world that though she can be cruel, I still care for her.
I’m so confused with my own thoughts right now. Around and around my head as I lie in bed. I feel cold, as if I’ve bled myself out. But there’s nothing but my mind, my thoughts, my tangled hair and room strewn with belongings not in their place.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, I am literally on the ninth level of Hell.

A sickness, a certain obscurity, has found its way into my veins. Pure darkness twists like thorned vines, pushing against the colour and life I fight to claim as my own, stolen away by the blackness. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so alone, so distraught, so dead? When I have to, I still get up. When I have to, I still function. I still smile, because smiles are gifts to give. Pieces of love and joy to worm their way into the saddest of hearts. But even as I gift a smile, I feel empty, hollow, isolated. Even as one wound closes over, another opens in my heart. As if I am just picking a metaphorical scab, over and over again. Half the time, I look into the mirror expect to see a stain of blood on my chest, right over my heart.
All of the hurt, the pain, the loneliness, the guilt, everything that has been done to me and I have done to others has finally caught up with me. Not just some, but all. And I am crushed under its weight, barely able to stand under the load.
But I do stand.
And as long as I can stand, I can walk.
And as long as I can walk, I can move.
And as long as I move, I will be making progress through the dark, ever-twisting forests. An invasion in my soul.
To hold on, to live.

[Poet]

Hey all. <3
Motivation – going slowly but steadily up the hills. Does anyone else know the story about ‘The Little Engine That Could’?  That’s me right now, a little train chugging its way slowly up the ever-lengthening tracks, the ever-steepening slopes. Struggling to get out of the cage that is me. Nobody ever said I don’t do my best with what I’ve got.

I’ve managed to start eating again over the past two days, which is really great. Had a burrito for lunch the other day. My parents are over the moon. Hopefully, this will stop my habit of sitting on the verge of consciousness every waking moment. It’s not a fun idea, to eat next to nothing for weeks. The impact on study, concentration and friendships is extremely detrimental.

Today is Anzac Day. A day to commemorate the sacrifice our ancestors offered for their country – their very lives for our freedom and individuality. This is one of my favourite days of the year, because for once, we have kept our promise to keep them in our hearts. Lest we Forget.

It’s so beautiful to see great-grandchildren marching proudly with their grandfather’s medals pinned to their chests. To see the old war planes fly over, to stand for the Last Post and a minute of silence and respect those whose loss was for the greater good, but still mournful and meaningless in the scheme of things. It’s a day where people actually stop to think deeply about our nation and what it means to be Australian. And although I’m not fully Australian (half American – if you ever meet me in real life I have a slight accent on some words!) I still take pride in our nation’s ability to hold their heads high today and remember what we lost, but also what we gained.

I feel like we as a community need to remember today who we are and why we are. To remember the fallen, the brave, the lost and the found. To remember our country’s perseverance and our promise to never forget the toll war takes.

And even as I struggle in all that I do, I remember today the men at Gallipoli and their knowledge that death awaited them. And yet, even as they knew, they ran to their deaths for their wives, mothers, siblings, children and friends. They ran not for themselves, but for the freedom of their nation.

As we will keep running, up those ever-lengthening tracks and ever-steepening slopes.
As I will keep fighting the war inside of myself.
I will persevere. Not for myself, but for my friends and family, those I love and who love me in return. I will fight for meaning and, eventually, all will come clear.
And I will persevere.

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can”
And I will not forget.

[turinturambar]

Thanks Poet.  Those words about Anzac Day were beautiful.

This afternoon I walked the Kokoda Memorial Trail in the Dandenong Ranges, and they've added new signs with details about individual soldiers in WW2.  Some of them had the standard "Lest we forget", others had "We don't want to be remembered as heroes, we just want to be remembered".

Also, given you've talked about being out in nature, you would probably like that trail, though it can get very crowded.

[Poet]

Howdy, lovely ANers! I hope you’ve all had a great week. And if not, I feel you. Have a hug. <3

This post is really quite descriptive of some of the stuff I’m thinking and have gone through – much less poetic than normal. I’m still being purposefully vague, but if anyone has had experience with things I have previously spoken of and feels this might be triggering in some way, please don’t read this entry.

Thanks Poet.  Those words about Anzac Day were beautiful.

This afternoon I walked the Kokoda Memorial Trail in the Dandenong Ranges, and they've added new signs with details about individual soldiers in WW2.  Some of them had the standard "Lest we forget", others had "We don't want to be remembered as heroes, we just want to be remembered".

Also, given you've talked about being out in nature, you would probably like that trail, though it can get very crowded.

Hi again! I feel like I see you on here a lot – definitely not a bad thing!
Thanks for the recommendation! Do you go walking the Dandenongs often?
Actually, the Kokoda Memorial Trail is one of my favourites. I’ve been there a few times with my family, and it’s absolutely beautiful. We didn’t go on Anzac Day, but we have been when it’s a lot less crowded and there’s an abundance of kookaburras and crimson rosellas. It’s a great walk to think on (as well as get a little exercise haha).

________

Firstly, apologies for not being a lot more of a help on the forums. I’ve been using it a lot more for motivation’s sake than for actually helping out. I do try, but when I see a question and I know I have the answer and begin typing it out, my brain just goes… blank. I don’t know. But it’s been really, really frustrating and I’m so so sorry for not being more productive and helping out more people, because I try so hard and just seem to go nowhere with it. And then other people answer the questions so my answers would be invalid anyway. I guess it’s partly my sense of inferiority, but also the effect everything (stress, depression, lack of sleep, etc.) is taking on my cognitive abilities right now. I’m just sorry.

I will be applying for SEAS when the registrations open up (I have my reference), so hopefully I can find a course I like and get the appropriate scholarship/ATAR adjustment I need if in fact I do need it at the end of this year.

________

I need to motivate myself to go to work tonight. I went last night and it was pretty intense (Friday nights at a fish and chip shop are always pretty crazy). I was on the phone and I really hate the phone because it’s a phone and I can’t see the people I’m getting the orders from and people are always like “are you American because you just said tom-ATE-o” and I’m like “YES MY MOTHER IS AMERICAN AND THEREFORE I’M AMERICAN IS SAYING TOM-ATE-O A BAD THING?!?”, but I love my coworkers and my bosses and even the boss’s son, who thinks it’s funny to make wisecracks about my height every time he’s around. (Just for the record, I’m 5’8 – definitely not super tall. I think he’s just insecure because he’s about 5’7.) It’s just really hard to get up and pull out my bike to ride the half hour to work, work hard for four hours and then do the same ride home. I’m thankful I get paid pretty well and my workplace is extremely supportive, but it’s a lot of effort to go to when I’m still really foggy and not… not right, I guess.

I had a bit of a strange experience the other day. This has happened to me a total of twice in my life, and I’m not one of those people who can just brush it off.
A guy who’s been my friend for years told me he likes me, and personally this is a huge blow to the gut. I'm glad he told me so I know, but... I want to be completely honest right now and say I view him as a friend and a friend only. I love him, but only like family. So what am I meant to do when someone I view as a brother tells me he feels otherwise?

The thing is, I’ve had a really bad run with men in my life. One older guy I thought was my friend when I was 13 turned out to be abusive. The next guy was another friend, and he ended up stalking me when I insisted I didn’t like him. The third was a leader in my youth group, someone I thought I could talk to and trust, and he turned out to be a child groomer. Not just to me, but 17 other girls who filed a report. I was one of 5 main ‘targets’ listed by him.

Every time, the people around me I thought I could trust turned around and somehow harmed me, whether that be emotionally or physically, or both. If the phrase “once bitten, twice shy” is true, I guess I’m “thrice bitten, nine times shy”. So some little piece of me, although I know this particular friend would never do anything like that, screams to run, to escape, to get out before it’s too late. And I hate myself for not just being able to deal with simple teenage feelings, but with everything that’s happened to me I’m terrified that when I say no, something will happen. That I’ll bring the world down around me, that the sky will fall, that I’ll be trapped in the dark with no way out.

I can only describe the terror with metaphor. This frustrates me. I want people to know how I feel, but I can’t really truly say it.

I want to hold on to the friendship we have. I want to be happy and know that no matter what, he won’t do anything to hurt me. And logically, I know that. Logically, he’s a good friend, better than I ever deserved. But my own mind, my own experiences, prevent me from giving him that chance. And this makes me wonder – can I stand to lose one of the only friends I have because of the illogical panic of my stupid, messed up brain? And I’m back to not knowing.

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.
I breathe, one breath and another. In, out.
And still I don’t know.

Song of the Day: Alec Benjamin - Paper Crown.

P.S. Mods, please tell me if this isn't okay to post on the forums. I will take it off if it's too much. I just value honesty, from myself and others. Thanks team.

[turinturambar]

Thanks for the recommendation! Do you go walking the Dandenongs often?
Actually, the Kokoda Memorial Trail is one of my favourites. I’ve been there a few times with my family, and it’s absolutely beautiful. We didn’t go on Anzac Day, but we have been when it’s a lot less crowded and there’s an abundance of kookaburras and crimson rosellas. It’s a great walk to think on (as well as get a little exercise haha).

I live fairly close to the Dandenongs, so yes, it's one of my best places for walking.  Glad you like the Kokoda Trail.
The other thing that's good about the Dandenongs this time of year is the autumn leaves in the various Parks-managed gardens (and similarly the flowers in spring).
And I agree, the birds are always pretty special.

[Poet]

To sleep, perchance to dream…
I wish I could sleep without waking up with an ache in my chest from the nightmares damn it.

“The struggle is real” is such a modern cliché, but it’s so true. Too true.
School is getting to a point in the hard slog where it’s dragging me down really far, and I have no time to work myself out. I haven’t been able to accept offers to go to the movies, or art exhibitions, and I feel like I’ve been letting everyone down, including myself. I feel hated and reviled by everyone, even though I know it’s not true. I’m not even in class right now because I’ve been shaking uncontrollably all day and I’ve got permission to just sit in my little library hovel with my hood up going round and round in circles in my head. Our senior school coordinator just walked in and gave me a hug, then walked back out. I don’t know what it was for but it made me cry. Gosh I’m waaay too fragile right now haha

I’ve been fighting so hard to keep my head above the water, but my psych appointment last night really put it all into perspective. She wanted to discuss anti-depressants and medication, which is something I thought wouldn’t be necessary, but now she thinks I need it… I want so much to get better, but I don’t know how much the medication will affect my work ethic and study plans, and if it will really help me at all. I guess I’m scared of it – I don’t know the effects it will have on me and my life. A life I’m already struggling to hold onto without the lethargy and unknowns of medication made with the sole purpose of messing with my mind.

On the upside of these dark clouds I’m straining to see through; Just got the book “Wonder” about a young boy called August with severe disfigurement. There’s a movie of it, but I tend to read the books more than watch the movies. I’d read the premise ages ago, so this should be the perfect book for me right now. I’ll read it tonight and tell peeps how it went.

Also; going to the Expo tomorrow should be a riot, if I can get there.
Actually, here’s where I stop myself and say no – I will be going. So, I’ll definitely see you guys at stand #107.

Thanks for the support, AN. <3
As was the phrase at hockey training yesterday, "you guys are jets".