Poet's Well-being Journal

[Alaska_Young14]

Hey, people. <3 Hope y’all don’t mind me rambling so often – it just helps a lot to get stuff off my chest. I feel like I might piss some people off because I’m constantly complaining, so I’m sorry about that. Just ignore me.

But there I go, getting self-absorbed again. I really do care about you guys, okay? Like, all of you. You're awesome. Please don't ever doubt yourselves, because you're worth the belief that you can get through tough times. Especially when it feels like there's no-one else cheering for you. Because there will always be someone.

The fact you can be struggling so much but still have the power to push through and see positives and bring other people up when you are down is just so so inspirational, you are amazing poet xx same to you “NEVER, doubt yourself” - a very wise poet

[Poet]

@Alaska -
Thank you, girl. Your post is just proof of what I’ve said about AN. How could I not love a community so encouraging, wholesome and beautiful? Especially beautiful, hey.
It’s funny – I have so much to speak on, but nothing’s really coming out in words. So, you know what they say, when all else fails, talk about the weather.
Melbourne is truly acting like Melbourne today – what a temperamental teenager.
Temperamental like my uneasy stomach. Temperamental like the corellas on our lawn. Temperamental like a student feeling the weight of final days looming behind them, its shadow stretching across the vast plane of unprepared essays and leaking highlighters. Days so inexplicably long, but also way too short. Paradoxical emotions run rampant, and they’ll only get worse. I’m so ridiculously stressed about what the ‘after’ is going to look like – I can only imagine how others feel who don’t know what they want to do.

The unsurety of it all is killing me – why should we pay to apply before we know our standings? Why should we willingly put ourselves in debt? Will my degree be of any use later in life? Will I change my mind as to who I want to be? How will I survive out in this big, cold world without the support of my (helicopter) parents? Can I travel? I want to live as an independent – but realistically, how long will that take? Am I ready for such a significant responsibility? To be completely, brutally honest with myself; life is scaring me to death.

I would give almost anything right now to make the world stop turning, just to give myself – and others – more time to think, and decide, truly, on what’s best for us all. If we had more time, would it be a blessing, or a curse? Both? Neither? But even as I think of this, the time I have dwindles. Every second spent pondering feels like a waste.

So I’ll go back to looking out at the rain outside and tattooing my books in bright colours.
Love you all.

[Bri MT]

@Alaska -
Thank you, girl. Your post is just proof of what I’ve said about AN. How could I not love a community so encouraging, wholesome and beautiful? Especially beautiful, hey.
It’s funny – I have so much to speak on, but nothing’s really coming out in words. So, you know what they say, when all else fails, talk about the weather.
Melbourne is truly acting like Melbourne today – what a temperamental teenager.
Temperamental like my uneasy stomach. Temperamental like the corellas on our lawn. Temperamental like a student feeling the weight of final days looming behind them, its shadow stretching across the vast plane of unprepared essays and leaking highlighters. Days so inexplicably long, but also way too short. Paradoxical emotions run rampant, and they’ll only get worse. I’m so ridiculously stressed about what the ‘after’ is going to look like – I can only imagine how others feel who don’t know what they want to do.

The unsurety of it all is killing me – why should we pay to apply before we know our standings? Why should we willingly put ourselves in debt? Will my degree be of any use later in life? Will I change my mind as to who I want to be? How will I survive out in this big, cold world without the support of my (helicopter) parents? Can I travel? I want to live as an independent – but realistically, how long will that take? Am I ready for such a significant responsibility? To be completely, brutally honest with myself; life is scaring me to death.

I would give almost anything right now to make the world stop turning, just to give myself – and others – more time to think, and decide, truly, on what’s best for us all. If we had more time, would it be a blessing, or a curse? Both? Neither? But even as I think of this, the time I have dwindles. Every second spent pondering feels like a waste.

So I’ll go back to looking out at the rain outside and tattooing my books in bright colours.
Love you all.

There will be days when your attention is captured solely by the tattoo of raindrops, and while the water may not wash away the memories or hypotheses they'll no longer feel binding. There will be days when your awareness is held in spaces so small that time has stopped for you. There will  be days when the vastness of the future is a promise rather than a threat.


The end of highschool is a turning point, but even if you were to make the "wrong" choice, the worst possible VTAC outcome doesn't even come close to stopping you from leading a rewarding and fulfilling life. You are allowed to change your mind after results, after o-week, after census date, after exams...  You know that you can endure far from ideal circumstances. You will get through this, and we can't wait to see you flourish afterwards (given how great you already are).

[Poet]

Thanks for the encouragement, mini. Through the fear, I'm excited for what's to come.
I slept for a full 12 hours last night. It’s a first in as long as I can remember, and dammmnnnn it felt good. <3

I’ve been a bit naughty lately and gave myself a couple mental health days throughout the week. Barely any work done in those times, but I felt calm in my Legal SAC and didn’t feel underprepared. It’s been really hard to go to classes, so I’ve skipped a couple (a really, REALLY bad habit) and honestly I’ve just wanted to sleep. A lot. And I’ve actually been able to. Usually, I am constantly sleepy but I can’t fall asleep until 1AM-onwards, waking up at ~4:15, but for the past couple of days I’ve fallen asleep on my books at about 10PM, which is crazy. They say sleep debt isn’t a thing, but I’m beginning to think that’s total bull.

Forgot to take my medication on Wednesday, which was pretty awful. Might be a factor in how bad Wednesday was haha, but yeah, that was the day my legs gave out on me for about 15 minutes. My head felt heavy. I felt sick and exhausted and we lost our hockey game, too. Probably my fault. It was our last game of the season, too. Got my P.E. SAC back and it was 67% which is absolutely awful. I lost my ranking and the voice in the back of my mind was back, mocking. “You thought you were good enough? You thought you could get through it so easily? Well, you can’t. You’re weak and useless. You can’t even stand up today. What is wrong with you? Why can’t you just be like everyone else? You stupid, childish waste of space.” It terrified me to hear it again. I’ve been doing so much better than I was, and having a reminder of what life was like, even compared to now, was horrifying. It wasn’t until then that I realized the difference in my behaviour and thought patterns – I still have a long way to go, but there have been significant improvements.

But besides that, the parrots are back in our yard and reserve! There’s currently rosellas on our lawn, the rainbow lorikeets are a year-round presence, and some kookaburras are nesting in one of our big trees. We might see some babies soon, if we’re lucky. The gang-gang cockatoos and red-tails are around as well, and king parrots have been in our bird feeder and eating our kangaroo apples, too. I’ve seen a couple of tawnies out and about at night, and the possums are fighting for space as we head towards spring. It’s the most exciting time of year for nature right now, and I love watching the animals do what they do. The only downside is rescuing young birds or burying tiny bodies, either attacked by cats or foxes or fallen from their nests. But then again, that’s part of the cycle of nature, too. Life and death. If we as humans, with morals and empathy, kill for food, how can we judge animals with the most basic instincts?

I’d better get back to P.E. work. Love you all.

[Poet]

Sometimes the emotional hurt is deep down inside, and you just can’t seem to grasp it. Like a splinter in your heart. Sometimes you forget it’s there, but then you accidentally brush it on something and the hurting starts all over again.

12 weeks. Just 12 weeks. Dear god, please just let me get through this.
Just 12 weeks. Please.

[S200]

Keep holding on... It gets better...

[Poet]

Sorry all, this is kind of a sad spew of words. I’m sort of not the best right now. Love you, AN.

It’s been a whirlwind few days.
The last couple of nights I’ve fallen into a deep depression again, and I’ve almost relapsed twice. It’s only when I’m alone, so I’ve been hanging out with my older sister a lot more. Finished Code Geass and DAMN that hurt (I have a love/hate relationship with this show), just started on Bungou Stray Dogs, all to distract myself from, well, myself. Probably best to avoid Death Note right now lol. Been finding it very difficult to draw – some weird sort of depressive artist’s block. I’m beating myself up for being so weak, but at the same time I’m terrified and confused. There are only two more weeks till valedictory, and I’m holding out until then. Just doing my best to keep going. Broke down the night of my last post here and scratched my face up a bit in the panic, whoops. Been having nightmares again the past couple of nights, and it hasn’t been too nice. My next appointment with my psych is on Thursday. I’m trying, I really am. I still have the will to look forward, at least. In the lowest moments, it can be too difficult to even open your eyes.

Something positive…
The highlight of my week was our school cancer research fundraiser last night – you guys might know about Relay for Life? Well, the Cancer Council is running the actual one during exam period, so our school did our own on the school oval. It was raining and cold, but people marched on in memory of those who’ve fallen, and those who still fight. My great-grandmother and father. My grandfather. My teachers. My family friends, and personal friends. The children from my brother’s preschool. We walk for them, and pray that they can live the lives they were given, that it’s not stolen so cruelly by their own bodies. My brother did 64 laps around the oval. I did a few less than that, but I was also helping out with the games and general upkeep. It felt good to do something for those we love, and those unknown but still in need. The target was $8,000, but I’m pretty sure we’re making gravy at this stage. It’s so exciting to see our community come together in support for a good cause, rain or shine. And even in the rain, the sunset was stunning.

How many days until exams? I can’t remember anymore. So tired. Everything’s a blur. My Legal book is almost full, I’ll have to get a new one. But I’ll be at the lectures. I’ll get there. I’ll finish exams and I will live. Things will look up again, I can see that now. Even when things look dark, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve seen it before, and so help me I will see it again. I hope that you all can see it too. The sunrise is beautiful, sometimes more so than the sunset. Because the sunrise always comes after dark, and you’re not blind to beauty any more.

I just have to keep reminding myself of what’s true. My name is Nina. I’m 18 years old. I have depression, and I have anxiety, but these are mere distractions – I will not let them stop me from finding my way in the world. I have found my place and I will fight for it. I will not be dragged down by others or myself. I will stand my ground for what I believe in. And I believe in the sunrise.

[Alaska_Young14]

How many days until exams? I can’t remember anymore. So tired. Everything’s a blur. My Legal book is almost full, I’ll have to get a new one. But I’ll be at the lectures. I’ll get there. I’ll finish exams and I will live. Things will look up again, I can see that now. Even when things look dark, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve seen it before, and so help me I will see it again. I hope that you all can see it too. The sunrise is beautiful, sometimes more so than the sunset. Because the sunrise always comes after dark, and you’re not blind to beauty any more.

I just have to keep reminding myself of what’s true. My name is Nina. I’m 18 years old. I have depression, and I have anxiety, but these are mere distractions – I will not let them stop me from finding my way in the world. I have found my place and I will fight for it. I will not be dragged down by others or myself. I will stand my ground for what I believe in. And I believe in the sunrise.

You are such a beautiful person Poet. Idk how you do it but the way you can let your negative thoughts overrun for a while and let them speak must be overkill, but the way you turn it around and stomp on it and smack it back in the face and speak your true self and mind is amazing. Not many people can do that. You are one in a million and this just shows how things can leave scars but they can never damage you. You are so so strong poet and even though you may not feel it. Everyone reading this feels it. You have a gift. We all love you and are always here for you xx

[Poet]

Alaska, remember one thing - you're more like me than you realise.
Hi everyone. Hope you’re all doing okay.
I’ve seen some people struggling lately; it’s worrying to see those you care for sinking in the quicksand you’ve been trying for so long to escape. But I’ve been healing, slowly but surely, and I have some advice for those stuck in the quicksand right now:

Hold on. There’s always an out.
In quicksand, all you have to do is stop struggling. The more you panic, the farther in you sink. Still yourself. Still your mind. Move yourself slowly, bit by bit, back up to the surface. Find the edge and pull yourself to safety. But, through it all, it takes patience. A lot of patience. And a lot of strength. You might even fall in again, and feel like an idiot for doing so. But you’re not. Every one of us has it in us to fight for survival. And survival is a gift. It’s just that sometimes, it can be hard to see. Especially when you can’t keep your head above the dirty quicksand.

You’re not alone.
Every one of us has felt isolated in the crowd, and every one of us has wished we had a familiar heartbeat to hold onto at night. Loneliness is a part of life – but it’s temporary. Everyone has a place in the world; we just have to find it. Find where you belong, and stick with it. Do something that makes you happy. Smile when you’re hurting, because sometimes others can see that smile, and it will help them with their own struggles. Love the world that seems to hate you, because, if you’re honest with yourself, you know it doesn’t. Your perception will change, and you’ll feel the warmth of the sun again.

Give and take, but give more than you take.
When you’re down, it can be hard to see outside of yourself. Really hard. So fight it. You might feel like your motivation is gone, your energy is spent, but it’s not. Push through, and give people the love they deserve, especially when you feel like you don’t deserve it in return. What they do to you is of no consequence. Survival in the human race means caring for yourself more than others. But if you’re never thanked for giving, it doesn’t mean people aren’t thankful. And caring for others will make you feel better about yourself. That in itself is a gift.

Again, and again, it’s not your fault.
The way you feel is never invalid. The self-hate that permeates everything you do can feel like a visible stink. You begin to feel like others can smell it, and hate yourself for exposing friends, family, strangers, hell, the world to it. A self-perpetuating cycle of hate and a spiral of negativity. The thing you must keep reminding yourself is that every single one of us is more worried about ourselves than those around us. To every individual, the world revolves around them. Most people won’t even notice the lack of enthusiasm or the way you huddle inside yourself, or avoid someone’s eyes. Most people are too worried about their own problems. So don’t be ashamed of yourself, or fearful of judgement. It’s inevitable, but almost never as bad as you think. Just work on improving yourself, over, and over, and over again.

Fight. Failure isn’t the end.
Martin Luther King Jr. once said this:
“If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. But whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward.”
So fall. And fall again. Stumble to your feet and keep staggering towards your aim. If your knees feel bloody and bruised, if your mind is screaming to give up, your legs quivering from the effort, don’t give in. A challenge wouldn’t be a challenge if it was easy to beat. If things feel out of control, take the helm and stand your ground. Remember Invictus. Remember that you’re not alone. Remember that there are people who care about you, and think you’re beautiful. People who believe in you for those times you don’t believe in yourself.

Spring is coming. Spring is here. The sun will be out soon, even if clouds are still there in front of it.

[PhoenixxFire]

Thank you poet
It’s so easy to get stuck in your own perceptions of reality and not be able to see outside of that, so thank you for this. This entire post is so beautiful <3

Also I love that song

[technodisney]

Wow!

After seeing you at school Friday I did not expect you to write this amazing piece of art today.

I don't know how you do it but it seems like what you have written speaks to everyone in some meaningful way.

I actually teared up so much when reading it and I was sitting in the back of the car with a friend trying to save myself from embarrassment.

Thank you for the reminder.

[S200]

I couldn't put it better than the Frank Walker of the forums, but yeah, I really love what you're doing here Poet...

And for anyone who is unfortunate enough to be in a similar position... I'm throwin' a prayer up for ya's all and I hope that the next ~20 days will be better for ya's...

You wouldn't believe how hard it is to find the modify button through tears. No joke Poet, you literally brought me to tears here...


Also...
I'm very, very late on the bandwagon, buut I just got round to reading your first dozen or so posts in this thread...
Although in some aspects it's dark, and others humourous, I couldn't help but connect...

Wither goest thou is the thought that hit me as I read. As <20, do we have purpose? Or are we just here waiting on the world to change, to accept us as what we are, to accept our young voices as what hails the introduction of a new order? What have we done to deserve recognition and acknowledgement at a young age? What is our pathway through this world? do We wait for guidance, or do we blast our way through teh blockades that life loves to place in our way?
IDk tbh, but I love the knowledge that others are facing similar tangles their own way, and if we all react uniquely, we way change the future of the world...

A touch existential, but I needed to get it out b4 the morrow...

[Poet]

Well. Hi.
Umm. I’m not really sure what to say right now. After my last post, everything just kind of seems… empty. I’m sorry for making people cry, by the way. Didn’t mean to. I just wanted anyone who’s been in a bad place to know that there’s hope, not just for those around them, but for them specifically. And thanks everyone for your kind words – we have a beautiful community here, and I’d love to be able to support you guys more.

So… I’ve been feeling empty for a little while. Very drained. It’s burnout, which is very annoying haha, but my P.E. teacher told me to take a little break this weekend and not beat myself up about it, so I’ve been taking that advice to heart. Went to Sandown Raceway for the Supercars yesterday and loved it, even though it was freezing cold. Still freaking out about the comparative essay, I haven’t finished my practice for tomorrow and my panic is coming back. Can’t think when I’m panicking. Every time I sit down in maths I start crying. Cried a little in Bio too, haven’t done the worksheets. Legal and P.E. are the least stressful, but in P.E. our SAC is on Wednesday and I haven’t even looked at the chapter we’re being assessed on. I’m not doing as well as I thought I would this year and it’s really hitting me the impact exams are having on my life. I’ve had a few stress-induced blood noses, and the worst thing is that everyone’s in the same boat right now. I’m just dealing with it badly. I feel invalidated and disappointed, and I think the despair is affecting me right now. I’ve been eating more, but not drinking more, and my performance in class is still sub-par. I’m afraid that will never change.
Guess who’s going back to her psych?!

Neighbour died today. Too many people dying. He was a sweet man – he didn’t deserve the pain he went through. AND he sold his beautiful Holden Senator, and it wasn’t to me, so I’m kinda salty at a dead man. But we’ll get through. It’s just… draining. You know? Like, someone dies and it feels like a bit of life has been drained out of you, too. And soon enough, if people keep dying at the rate they’ve been in my life recently, I’m going to die of… sympathy death or something. Heartbreak. All of me gone. Sometimes it feels like it – like I can see my own ghost in my shadow. I’ve felt so tired lately it’s like I am a ghost. Just a living one.

A positive was that tonight we had Potato Gems. Sort of hash brown bites. I love them when I’m upset, like little potato grease-babies.
Well, still breathing. My legs are still here. Brain’s barely working, but I’m pretty sure it’s up there somewhere. I’m in a warm house with a pet cat and access to the best forum in the world, so no matter how shit life is I’ve still got that. Will update later when I’m less tired. It seems pretty crazy that I’ll be ending this journal in 2 months.
Love you all, individually, specially and unconditionally.

[turinturambar]

It seems pretty crazy that I’ll be ending this journal in 2 months.

Just wanted to say that I'm sure there's no rule against continuing to post here after VCE.
So long as you still have things you want to say (whether or not you call it a journal), I think there will continue to be people who want to read them.

I think your teacher was right to tell you to take a little break.
It does sound you've got a lot to make an already stressful time worse, and I'm sorry to hear it.
Hope this week goes better.

[Bri MT]

I'm glad that you've been able to find moments of joy, make some progress on your eating goals, and that you're going back to your psych.
I keep procrastinating seeing a counsellor and it's probably not the best

VCE as often talked about as everyone being in the same boat, but I think it's more accurate to say that everyone is travelling down the same river. Some people cross the start line with a lot of momentum, some have yachts powered by fickle winds of motivation, some people have an engine, and some rely solely on paddle-power. And for all of these people skill as a navigator comes in, but it's not really a fair comparison. Your vessel might be more susceptible to being pulled into snags by the current, but that doesn't make you a worse navigator. In fact, through the efforts of needing to untangle yourself and steer your boat back to the centre you're developing skills that others won't be. So although it's easy to look ahead and go "everyone is travelling so much faster/further than me, I thought I'd be there rather than here" try to remember that you don't know if they've been putting in more or less effort than you, are more or less skilled, or are caught in snags below the waterline. Once this race finishes you have the whole ocean to explore, with different conditions - and who knows, maybe sea water and waves suits you better.