Warning: sensitive entry. It goes downhill pretty damn quick lelHi everyone. Hope it’s been a decent holiday so far
Mine’s been pretty neat. Plenty of study, practice exams, summaries, revision, a party or two, lectures and more study. Went for a nice 7km hike up in the Dandenong Ranges on Saturday – just some time to breathe in the cool, fresh air of the forest and calm myself. Saw a lyrebird, I’ll have to get the photos off my mom, she was digging around for bugs right next to the path! Always a beautiful sight, seeing an elusive bird like that. It makes everything else just… disappear for a little while. The embodiment of wonder.
However, I’ve found myself slipping into depression again. I was at a party Saturday night and my misery led me to drink more than I should have, to the point where I was just slightly inebriated. Funnily enough, I’m a depressed drunk, so it just made it ten times worse. I could feel myself sinking so sat alone for a while, thinking about the awful ways I could die that night with a grim satisfaction, trying to decide on my preferred method in the middle of a vineyard at night. Then a little girl ran up to me and gave me a little bunch of flowers, then told me all about her headband and her cousin over there and how sweet nectar is. I told her about how bees and butterflies help flowers turn into fruit, and that definitely cheered me up a bit, seeing the excitement when she saw the pollen on the flower’s stigma and knew what is was for.
Stopped drinking so much so the effects wore off as the night wore on, and ended up chatting with a nice guy. But as soon as he put his arms around me I started shaking, and I couldn’t stop. The voices I’ve been pushing out of my head with medication and therapy started screaming at me again, back in full force. Telling me it was dangerous. Telling me I didn’t deserve it. Telling me that someone as worthless as myself didn’t deserve this attention, that I should push him away, insult him, fight him, somehow get him away from me even though the rest of me just wanted to be in the moment and relate with someone who could understand me.
I want to be able to be me. I want to live in the moment and feel like I can be appreciated without consequence. Start living like a human being, without the feeling of constant judgement. I strain to put the past behind me, but it still hurts, rising like the Dark Mark every single damn time I feel like, just maybe, someone will love me. I remind myself that I don’t deserve it, or somehow convince myself it will only end in hurt again. And I know it’s not true, but I still never have the strength to fight the instinct to turn away and run. Not everyone is out to get me, or there purely to take advantage of my body, and my innocence. Not everyone is like those in my past. The worst part was I thought I was getting better. But pushing things to the back of your mind isn’t getting better, it’s letting the negativity fester, and grow, and take over again.
So, I’m sinking. I’m not eating right now. I’m scared. And I’m angry. Both at myself for this unending cycle, and at those who created the cycle in the first place. My parents, for bringing me into this world. The people who hurt me. And myself. Spiral, spiral, spiral.
I think it’s time for another psych visit.
Song: Austin Blue – Inconsequential