Analytical commentary feedback !!!!

[chloevarley]

Hi would someone beable to please give my analytical commentary some feedback and a mark out of 30 aswell as some other features i could discuss.
I wrote it in timed conditions so its not very long
I've attached the original text below 






VCAA English language study design analytical commentary

This text is the study design for VCE English Language. The text is moderately formal with some features of informality. The text is written and due to it being available online the setting in which the text is comprehended will vary between individuals. The function of this text is to give an outline of the course swell as informing potential students on important elements of the course. The social purpose of this text is to assist students in choosing their VCE subjects but could also be to prescribe content that teachers need to teach their students. The audience of the text are VCE students, teachers and potentially parents of students. The semantic field of this text is education and VCE English language.

The register of this text is moderately formal but includes some features of informality. The text includes frequent use of elevated lexis for example ‘prerequisite’ (line 34) and ‘rationale’ ( line 17). Use of these lexemes adds to the formality of the text. The text predominantly uses and active voice for example ‘students focus on …’ (line 62) and ‘students examine’ (line 54). Use of an active voice can alter the register by decreasing overall formality.

The text is mainly made up of declarative sentences for example ‘in this unit..’ Is repeated throughout the text and included at the start of multiple sentences. Use of declarative sentences helps describe to the audience the outline of the course and aids the social purpose of assisting students in choosing their VCE subjects. Simple sentences are used throughout the text for example the sentences used in lines 78 and 52-53. The use of simple sentences assists in achieving cohesion which assists the functions of giving an outline of the VCE English Language course as it keeps the information clear and straight forward.

The text has been set out in a way that is coherent and cohesive. The use of bolded titles and subtitles makes information easier to find and assists in achieving cohesion throughout the text. The text is set out logically by having headings matching the relevant information as well as having the paragraphs set up in logical order (for example going from unit 1 to unit 4) The use of logical ordering assists in achieving coherence. These features add to the function of the text of giving an outline of the VCE English Language course.

[MissSmiley]

Hi would someone beable to please give my analytical commentary some feedback and a mark out of 30 aswell as some other features i could discuss.
I wrote it in timed conditions so its not very long
I've attached the original text below 






VCAA English language study design analytical commentary

This text is the study design for VCE English Language. The text is moderately formal with some features of informality. The text is written and due to it being available online the setting in which the text is comprehended will vary between individuals. This is unclear and unnecessary. The setting isn't comprehended 'varyingly' between individuals. The setting's just there. It's not open to any interpretation The function of this text is to give an outline of the course as well as informing potential students on important elements of the course. The social purpose of this text is to assist students in choosing their VCE subjects and but could also be to prescribe content that teachers need to teach their students. The audience of the text are VCE students, teachers and potentially parents of students. The semantic field of this text is education and VCE English language. you don't need to say this in your intro. Otherwise, you've ticked all elements of an AC intro

The register of this text is moderately formal but includes some features of informality. The text includes frequent use of elevated lexis for example ‘prerequisite’ (line 34) and ‘rationale’ ( line 17). Use of these lexemes adds to the formality of the text. The text predominantly uses and active voice for example ‘students focus on …’ (line 62) and ‘students examine’ (line 54). Use of an active voice can alter the register by decreasing overall formality. No, this is an incorrect assertion. You can have a active voices everywhere, in a perfectly formal text. Active voice doesn't decrease 'overall formality.' 
You need to give more examples of formal register and maybe a couple for informal register.

The text is mainly made up of declarative sentences for example ‘in this unit..’ Is repeated throughout the text and included at the start of multiple sentences. Use of declarative sentences helps describe to the audience the outline of the course and aids the social purpose of assisting students in choosing their VCE subjects. Simple sentences are used throughout the text for example the sentences used in lines 78 and 52-53. The use of simple sentences assists in achieving cohesion did you want to say 'simple sentences achieve clarity/efficiency?" because you're combining two subsystems right now - syntax and discourse. which assists the functions of giving an outline of the VCE English Language course as it keeps the information clear and straight forward. yep! This is better. Don't say cohesion then sentence structure has nothing to do with cohesion

The text has been set out in a way that is coherent and cohesive. The use of bolded titles and subtitles makes information easier to find and assists in achieving cohesion No, bolding and everything falls under formatting, which falls under coherence. Not cohesion. throughout the text. The text is set out logically by having headings matching the relevant information as well as having the paragraphs set up in logical order (for example going from unit 1 to unit 4) The use of logical ordering assists in achieving coherence. These features add to the function of the text of giving an outline of the VCE English Language course meaningfully and through a user-friendly document.

Hi Chloe!
Nice short, sharp AC !
Depending on how you long you timed it for, if you were to right a full 60 / 70 min AC, obviously you'd need to have more examples and analysis to prove your points / topic sentences.
Also what I don't see is a paragraph / two on  the situational / cultural context.
(As I said, sorry if you wrote for only a small amount of time, but I'm just reminding you )
Just one last thing, make sure you know what's included in cohesion and what's included in coherence. At times, you mix things up
Keep it in a consistent subsystem

But apart from that, looks good!
Thanks!

[exit]

You need to vary your sentences up instead of keep repeating ‘use’. If I got a dollar for every ‘use’ I saw in this AC, I would have quite a bit of money. Also, your explanations need to be more specific to the text. So many of those explanations could be copied straight out of the textbook.