English Advanced Module A Essay Paragraph

[owidjaja]

Hey guys,
I'm currently preparing for my exam and I've written an intro and paragraph for one of my essay questions and it seems like I've written waaayyyy too much- 590 words for 1 body paragraph to be exact. Would it be possible if you guys were to have a look at my intro and paragraph and see if there are parts where I'm a bit verbose?

Spoiler

The human value of sacrifice and love for others is explored in 1984 and Metropolis in the midst of selfishness and contempt for others.
How do Orwell’s and Lang’s texts explore this conflict within their particular contexts?

Humanity, despite the changing values relating to humanity, is encapsulated by the ability to value ideas such as love and sacrifice. This is done so to an extent in Fritz Lang’s film ‘Metropolis’ and George Orwell’s novel ‘1984’, where both composers explore the importance of selflessness within their fictional societies. Despite the various perspectives towards the importance of sacrifice and love as an element of humanity, this reflects how values are represented differently because of context, as seen in the way the composers place importance on these values.

The contrasting approaches individualism and collectivism reflects how the composer’s context significantly influence their perspective on sacrifice and selfishness. In ‘Metropolis,’ the film explores the impacts of collective identity within a society where there is no love and compassion between two groups in society. This is reflected in the dripping words in the expository intertile of the word ‘BABEL’ when Maria narrates how the ‘head’ utilised the workers to build the Tower of Babel. The dripping words reinforce the blood shed of the workers when the Tower of Babel was built, as illustrated in the pained facial expressions of the workers. This emphasises how the unity within the workers can be exploited for power as these workers were used to build the tower under harsh conditions. ‘1984’ presents a similar theme where the simile ‘A hideous ecstasy if fear and vindictiveness, a desire to kill… seemed to flow through the whole group of people like an electric current.’ This reflects the inevitability of expressing contempt towards others due to the Inner Party manipulating the masses to reinforce the importance of collective consciousness for the sake of maintaining power. As a result, the prevention of individual thoughts is critical in ensuring the stability of the state. Thus, both texts emphasise how the unity of the masses can be used to for a third party’s selfishness. Ironically, ‘Metropolis’ illustrates how unity amongst the masses can result in misunderstandings between the workers and industrialists, with Maria narrating ‘People spoke the same language, but could not understand each other.’ As a result, the industrialists exploit their misunderstandings out of selfishness. Nevertheless, this reflects the historical context of Weimar Germany, where political tension became prominent due to the economic disparities between the upper and working class. As a result, Lang suggests that in order to maintain diplomatic relations between the two groups, the ‘Head and Hands need a mediator’ to create a peaceful society, thus emphasising the importance of love for others within Metropolis society. However, the film does not explore ideas on individuality, in contrast to ‘1984,’ where Orwell believes that expression of individuality is the key to prevent being manipulated. This is reflected metaphorically where Orwell describes Winston and Julia’s affair as a ‘battle, the climax a victory. It was a blow struck against the Party. It was a political act.’ The sexual metaphor emphasises how their display of love has become political since it’s a display of individuality and privacy between the couple. This is because the masses are expected to direct all forms of love to Big Brother as a method of maintaining power for the sake of selfishness. Ironically, Winston contradicts himself after being arrested by the Inner Party, stating that ‘he felt no love for (Julia), and he hardly even wondered what was happening to her.’ Despite his acknowledgement of love as an important aspect of individuality, his selfishness displays how the Inner Party is able to conquer his thoughts as love is an act of denial of the self and the elevation of the other. The fact that he emphasises the importance of love but only has selfish thoughts when captured emphasises how Winston does not genuinely love Julia, thus emphasising the importance of individuality amongst a state where collective identity is used as a form of manipulation. Both texts reveal how the exploration of individualism and collectivism display how composers perceive these ideas differently due to their varying context, albeit they portray a similar degree of importance on the notion of sacrifice and selfishness as an element of humanity.

[Mada438]

Hey guys,
I'm currently preparing for my exam and I've written an intro and paragraph for one of my essay questions and it seems like I've written waaayyyy too much- 590 words for 1 body paragraph to be exact. Would it be possible if you guys were to have a look at my intro and paragraph and see if there are parts where I'm a bit verbose?

Spoiler

The human value of sacrifice and love for others is explored in 1984 and Metropolis in the midst of selfishness and contempt for others.
How do Orwell’s and Lang’s texts explore this conflict within their particular contexts?

Humanity, despite the changing values relating to humanity, is encapsulated by the ability to value ideas such as love and sacrifice. This is done so to an extent in Fritz Lang’s film ‘Metropolis’ and George Orwell’s novel ‘1984’, where both composers explore the importance of selflessness within their fictional societies. Despite the various perspectives towards the importance of sacrifice and love as an element of humanity, this reflects how values are represented differently because of context, as seen in the way the composers place importance on these values.

The contrasting approaches individualism and collectivism reflects how the composer’s context significantly influence their perspective on sacrifice and selfishness. In ‘Metropolis,’ the film explores the impacts of collective identity within a society where there is no love and compassion between two groups in society. This is reflected in the dripping words in the expository intertile of the word ‘BABEL’ when Maria narrates how the ‘head’ utilised the workers to build the Tower of Babel. The dripping words reinforce the blood shed of the workers when the Tower of Babel was built, as illustrated in the pained facial expressions of the workers. This emphasises how the unity within the workers can be exploited for power as these workers were used to build the tower under harsh conditions. ‘1984’ presents a similar theme where the simile ‘A hideous ecstasy if fear and vindictiveness, a desire to kill… seemed to flow through the whole group of people like an electric current.’ This reflects the inevitability of expressing contempt towards others due to the Inner Party manipulating the masses to reinforce the importance of collective consciousness for the sake of maintaining power. As a result, the prevention of individual thoughts is critical in ensuring the stability of the state. Thus, both texts emphasise how the unity of the masses can be used to for a third party’s selfishness. Ironically, ‘Metropolis’ illustrates how unity amongst the masses can result in misunderstandings between the workers and industrialists, with Maria narrating ‘People spoke the same language, but could not understand each other.’ As a result, the industrialists exploit their misunderstandings out of selfishness. Nevertheless, this reflects the historical context of Weimar Germany, where political tension became prominent due to the economic disparities between the upper and working class. As a result, Lang suggests that in order to maintain diplomatic relations between the two groups, the ‘Head and Hands need a mediator’ to create a peaceful society, thus emphasising the importance of love for others within Metropolis society. However, the film does not explore ideas on individuality, in contrast to ‘1984,’ where Orwell believes that expression of individuality is the key to prevent being manipulated. This is reflected metaphorically where Orwell describes Winston and Julia’s affair as a ‘battle, the climax a victory. It was a blow struck against the Party. It was a political act.’ The sexual metaphor emphasises how their display of love has become political since it’s a display of individuality and privacy between the couple. This is because the masses are expected to direct all forms of love to Big Brother as a method of maintaining power for the sake of selfishness. Ironically, Winston contradicts himself after being arrested by the Inner Party, stating that ‘he felt no love for (Julia), and he hardly even wondered what was happening to her.’ Despite his acknowledgement of love as an important aspect of individuality, his selfishness displays how the Inner Party is able to conquer his thoughts as love is an act of denial of the self and the elevation of the other. The fact that he emphasises the importance of love but only has selfish thoughts when captured emphasises how Winston does not genuinely love Julia, thus emphasising the importance of individuality amongst a state where collective identity is used as a form of manipulation. Both texts reveal how the exploration of individualism and collectivism display how composers perceive these ideas differently due to their varying context, albeit they portray a similar degree of importance on the notion of sacrifice and selfishness as an element of humanity.

Hey!
So im kinda confused about what style of essay you're doing. Are you intergrating both texts into the same paragraph with the same concept?
Because i believe it would make more sense to seperate these two texts and this idea into seperate paragraphs; because although i can see what you're trying to say it seems to me that you're deviating too much away from your main point. By seperating them, you could organise your ideas more effectively and cut down unecessary bits of text.

Also with your intro, to me it sounds like more of a conclusion.
I think at the start, you need to include a statement which shows your understanding of the question, rubric and module. Here's the one from my essay: "A comparative evaluation of texts can reveal the social and political events that shape the contextual environments of their composers, amplifying the audience’s comprehension of the themes that encapsulate the texts and accentuating how context plays a vital role in shaping meaning and perspective." So even before i introduce my texts i am including a statement which shows my understanding of the module and the rubric.
Then introduce your texts and present an answer to the question: "In Fritz Lang’s film ‘Metropolis and George Orwell’s novel ‘1984’ the composers explore their attitudes regarding their perceptions of freedom thus revealing the links between context and key values."
And finally present concepts: "Furthermore, both texts examine the destruction of individuality as a means of control and the use of technology to eradicate freedom and liberty. "To me, it doesn't seem clear what your concepts are and so im a bit confused as to what your main points will be. I can see you've kind of done that, but to me it needs to be a bit clearer.

Hope this helps! 

[owidjaja]

Hey!
So im kinda confused about what style of essay you're doing. Are you intergrating both texts into the same paragraph with the same concept?
Because i believe it would make more sense to seperate these two texts and this idea into seperate paragraphs; because although i can see what you're trying to say it seems to me that you're deviating too much away from your main point. By seperating them, you could organise your ideas more effectively and cut down unecessary bits of text.

It's just that I've been so used to integrated structures that doing a separate analyses is too confusing for me. Plus, my English teacher highly recommended us to do integrated structures so I'm following his advise.

Hey!
Also with your intro, to me it sounds like more of a conclusion.
I think at the start, you need to include a statement which shows your understanding of the question, rubric and module. Here's the one from my essay: "A comparative evaluation of texts can reveal the social and political events that shape the contextual environments of their composers, amplifying the audience’s comprehension of the themes that encapsulate the texts and accentuating how context plays a vital role in shaping meaning and perspective." So even before i introduce my texts i am including a statement which shows my understanding of the module and the rubric.
Then introduce your texts and present an answer to the question: "In Fritz Lang’s film ‘Metropolis and George Orwell’s novel ‘1984’ the composers explore their attitudes regarding their perceptions of freedom thus revealing the links between context and key values."
And finally present concepts: "Furthermore, both texts examine the destruction of individuality as a means of control and the use of technology to eradicate freedom and liberty. "To me, it doesn't seem clear what your concepts are and so im a bit confused as to what your main points will be. I can see you've kind of done that, but to me it needs to be a bit clearer.

That was my initial thesis for my first practice essay for a different question and my teacher said that the thesis is too vague and I need to be more specific :/

[Mada438]

It's just that I've been so used to integrated structures that doing a separate analyses is too confusing for me. Plus, my English teacher highly recommended us to do integrated structures so I'm following his advise.

Then go for it, i just find intergrated to make no sense ahahha
Although, if you did it just for abit, you might find some parts which can be cut out

That was my initial thesis for my first practice essay for a different question and my teacher said that the thesis is too vague and I need to be more specific :/

Perhaps, but then again, thats gonna be something you'll need to do for unseen questions as you need to adapt it.
But thats fair enough, you can make it more specific seeing as you know the question alreadu. Although i still find the one you have to be abit short and confusing

my English teacher highly recommended us to do integrated structures so I'm following his advise.

Honestly, i swear every english teacher advocates it differently