Language Analysis sample essay- 'It's Time to tackle urban sprawl'

[DanRR]

Hey Y'all,
I just wrote up a sample essay, I was hoping to get all your feedback?
So far I have got two 8's for creative and text respone, I am hoping to keep that fluke rolling.

here is the article if you want to read it, it does not incude the comment respone.
https://theurbandeveloper.com/articles/opinion-time-tackle-urban-sprawl





In a world plagued by the ever increasing population and rising house prices, Managing director Anthony Venturini raises his concerns about the uncontrolled expansion of urban areas, known as urban sprawl. In the article entitle  ‘It’s time to tackle urban sprawl’ published online at ‘The urban developer’ Venturini addresses the problem of urban sprawl and possible solutions through a rational and reasonable approach, much to the disapproval of Patrick McCarthy who strongly refutes and attacks Venturini ideas.

Venturi commences the online article by acknowledging the strong positives of Australian life, boasting some of the ‘best views’ and a ‘strong positive approach to live’. Venturi then goes on to question why Australia is not ranked among the top for sustainability and introduces the major contributing factor of urban sprawl. By questioning the audience of the disappointing sustainability rating and acknowledging the ‘desirable life’ in Australia, Venturini invites the reader to reconsider what living in Australia is really like. Venturini assertion in the online website is assertively reinforced visually through the endless amount of cramped “quarter-acre” blocks. This therefore highlights the increasing problem of urban sprawl if no moderation is put into action.


Having acknowledge the “desirable” and ‘comfortable’ living conditions of Australia and along with questioning the audience, Venturini transitions to compare other cities sustainability index to Australian cities. Venturini recognised the common plan of a ‘integrated green and smart city” approach. By comparing Australian cites with other countries with higher sustainability ratings allows the reader to recognise the rational and reasonable approach undertaken by Venturini along with inviting the reader to question the effectiveness of the government’s moderation of the growth of urban areas. Venturini then offers a logical solution to ‘urban sprawl’ by putting people at the ‘heart’ of the future development and shows the reader examples of people driven development in Zurich with ‘affordable housing and education along with ‘seamless transports weaving it all together’ Venturini made the decision to make use of the phrase ‘the heart of development’, as this promotes connotations surrounding the vital need for the people and the life stone of the cities. By listing clear solutions with evidence reinforces Venturini rational and enlighten approach.
Venturini Final tonal shift brings the issue ‘closer to home’ and acknowledges the ongoing efforts to ‘tackle urban sprawl’ but urges governments to take further action, to control the sprawl outside the CBD. By urging the governments to take further action, Venturini aims to garner support and provoke action in the reader to urge the government for better moderation of the urban sprawl. To conclude Venturini acknowledges the solution ‘won’t be easy’ or quick and will rely on the driving force of the cities ‘biggest stakeholders’. Through this urging of change from the people, Venturini hopes to provoke action from the reader to the government. Venturini then continues by reiterating the benefits of living Australia and urges readers that we ‘must do it, suggest that there are no other viable options.
A disgruntled Patrick McCarthy strong refutes and attacks the ‘nonsense’ presented by Anthony Venturini. McCarthy takes the issue with the usage of the world ‘sprawl’ through the use of creditable and reliable source of ‘Professor Brendan Gleeson’ McCarty argument presents as logical but lacks rational. McCarthy attacks Venturini sledging his piece as ‘laughable’. Through this almost personal remark, McCarthy ‘keyboard warrior’ response presents a response fuelled by emotion lacking rational arguments.

Ultimately it is the people at the ‘heart’ of the issue to push for better control and moderation of the urban sprawl. Venturini fervently argues to ‘tackle urban sprawl’ by appealing to his audience on the online website in a rational tone by contrasting Australians cities to other cities. ‘Keyboard warrior’ Patrick McCarthy portrays Venturini ideas as misguided and amiss use of ‘sprawl’. McCarthy concludes a plea for more ‘knowledgeable’ author on such a ‘complex’ subject. By pleading for a better suited author, McCarthy attacks the credibility of the site to garner support of his rebuttal of the misuse of key terms.

[OZLexico]

Your introduction could be sharpened up a bit - you haven't mentioned the audience for this article.  Give some thought to how Venturini's readers are going to act on his views. Also, you should probably try to find a different way to describe "urban sprawl" which you've used it three times already.  If you are also discussing the photo content, the position of the photo at the head of the article suggests you should be analysing its role in Venturini's argument in your 1st Body Paragraph.  Is this familiar view of the skyline of Melbourne suggesting that Venturini's readers are from Melbourne (or at least from Victoria)?  I think you are missing firm statements of Venturini's main arguments - these should be mentioned in each of your topic sentences for the body Paragraphs.  There's quite a lot of contrast and comparison going on in Venturini's article (visually as well as verbally) so its a good bet this is a major persuasive strategy he is using.  You could also be examining emotive language more closely - you've done some of this is your discussion of "heart".