How do i sound more 'cohesive' in my ACs

[walnut]

Hi,
So after completing two SACs/ACs i've come to realise that my commentaties aren't cohesive at all (the writing doesn't flow), like they sound repetitive and like i've just randomly inserted a quote and then a metalinguistic label so and as a result my SAC scores are only slightly higher than the average mark in the cohort which is slightly concerning as we are more than halfway through Yr 12.... However, the even more concerning problem is that my writing hasn't ever been cohesive in any type of writing, so what would be the best way in order to improve the 'cohesiveness' of my writing and how to sound as if i'm not just 'trying to fill in the paragraphs' for an AC as i am genuinely concerned and don't want to fail EL as i'm only doing one english subject.
Here's an excerpt of an AC i did for reference: The use of front focus, prevalent in the first line, 'Michael Crouch'  allows the writer to encapsulate the audience thereby bringing more prominence to the nature of the text being an obituary . However as the text continues it is evident that the text relies on anaphoric referencing as the majority of the follow sentences begin with 'he' (4).The variety of lexical choices such as the use of  synonymy, such as the positive adjectives;  'supporter(3), contributor (21) and 'committed'(33) helps to demonstrate Crouch's significance by effectively linking the words together to propagate his influence throughout the text. Throughout the text, the use pronouns such as 'he'(30) and 'his'(39) enable the writer to effectively avoid the constant repetition of Crouch's name thus making the text more cohesive. The use of listing, especially prevalent in line 15, 'Youth employment, Indigenous health…' helps to clearly describe his efforts and contributions towards the community.
Cheers!

[Bri MT]

Hi,
So after completing two SACs/ACs i've come to realise that my commentaties aren't cohesive at all (the writing doesn't flow), like they sound repetitive and like i've just randomly inserted a quote and then a metalinguistic label so and as a result my SAC scores are only slightly higher than the average mark in the cohort which is slightly concerning as we are more than halfway through Yr 12.... However, the even more concerning problem is that my writing hasn't ever been cohesive in any type of writing, so what would be the best way in order to improve the 'cohesiveness' of my writing and how to sound as if i'm not just 'trying to fill in the paragraphs' for an AC as i am genuinely concerned and don't want to fail EL as i'm only doing one english subject.
Here's an excerpt of an AC i did for reference:
[snip]
Cheers!

- I think you should reconsider how you use elevated lexemes. Atm, it seems like you might be sacrificing the flow of your text to find places to use them. This isn't to say that elevated lexemes always have this effect, just that they can when you aren't used to using them.
(You don't appear to have this issue in regards to metalanguage)
- look at your linking adverbs and ask if the relationship that the lexeme describes is clearly present. Eg. When you have used "thereby" in sentence 1, you have causally linked encapsulation of the audience to the nature of the text; however, it would make more sense to link the latter to the use of the proper noun "Michael Crouch".
- Also consider the order in which you present your ideas, why not talk about the use of anaphoric referencing and pronouns together? 


- your last half of the year matters a whole lot more than the first
- being aware of your room for improvement is a great sign,  and actively doing something to improve is even better,  so best of luck with making progress


- I hope this helps!