First and foremost, Happy New Years everyone!
Okay, so if you’ve seen my first post, you’d know that I made a very awkward and vague entrance into this journal, so let me start over and tell you guys a bit about me (even if I already told you before):
Fun facts about me:
- I'm a pretty optimistic person but since last year (YES, I can finally say that), that’s gone downhill.
- My last school was my first school. I was at that school for 10 years of my life before I moved to my current school.
- I like going on hikes and getting sweaty but that definitely does not mean that I go on them often which is something I really should change.
- My house is literally next to a park so I always hear yells and screams of happy kids while I work away at a monstrous mechanics specialist maths problem which makes me want to tear out my hair. Pure agony.
- Following on, my optimal study environment is complete silence.
- My favourite TV shows ever are probably Merlin and The 100. Watch them!
- I’m extremely interested in aliens and alien worlds and the possibilities.
Extracurriculars and other stuff:
I like to read fantasy and young adult books but I haven’t been reading at all recently even though I have heaps of time. I’m a member of St John Ambulance Australia where we volunteer at events in first aid. I’ve gone on two duties and I am continuing next year even though I will be faced with the harsh realities YEAR 12! I’m the Director of a club at school that creates and executes projects that help the local, national and international community. Also, after a stressful selection process, I have recently received a tutoring job which I am excited and scared about.
Self realisations (after 2019 and my horrendous study scores):
I’ve had a realisation that I actually do not put effort into anything I do. Okay, I don’t mean I’m an extremely lazy kid who watched youtube all day last year. I was pretty disciplined by my standards last year and I DID work hard. Pretty hard. But, obviously something was very wrong. I realised that I don’t mindfully do stuff and don’t think deeply about whatever I do. For studying, I feel like I understood the concepts but didn’t dive in deep enough to really understand it so that I could apply that knowledge to questions on the Biology exam. I need to work on this for this year because hopefully, it’ll be the game changer. I really hope this is the problem because if it’s not, I am D E A D.
Also, I’ve realised that I have a very high ego. I mean, I don’t boast about my scores but inside my mind, I’m always like ‘Oh, I’m definitely going to get the highest study score. I’m the best student. I’m definitely going to get that award.’ I feel like this is also hindering my progress because it’s blinding me from the truth that in reality, I suck.
My Goals:
1)Above 45 study scores for Literature, Specialist Mathematics (yes, I have to say the whole name), Chemistry & Psychology.Okay, this might not happen or it might. We don’t know the powers of the universe but it doesn’t hurt to have high goals, right?
Anyways, I would love to get a RAW 50 in Literature. It’s probably not going to happen but we’ll see. That’s the subject that i want to get a 50 most for. In 2019, I did pretty amazing in literature. Like, really good, according to my report. But, I don't really know what to think, to be honest. In the in-class essay (SAC-style), I got an A+ (I thought I failed that). Altogether, last year, I got 3 A+, 1 A and a B (there were some technical difficulties because we had to make a video). But, like, I really don’t think that’s enough for this year. I need to be way more complex and sophisticated in my expression and explore themes and theories and lots of stuff. I need to please VCAA and I have to improve a lot.
How am I going to achieve this goal?
‘Understanding’ math concepts truly. Not just ‘copying out’ what they did and trying to understand by blindlessly imprinting it in my memory.
SAC scores HAVE to be in the 90s (no matter what). Probably not going to achieve this but let’s write it down.
INTENSE, BURNING concentration and focus during study sessions, in classes, at tutoring and when the tutor is talking to me.
Avoid procrastination. I did pretty good on this one last year, but it wasn’t enough.
2) 100 UCAT score. Yes, it’s an extremely hard goal but why not.
How am I going to achieve this?
First understand how to do the different question types in each of the 5 sections and then do practice questions diligently.
Read ethics and morals in medicine for situational judgement part. Medical students said this was helpful.
Remember that accuracy is more important than doing all the questions BUT obviously finish all questions. DUH.
Painful thoughts I’ve had since I’ve received my study scores:
No matter how hard I try and no matter how much effort I put in, I will NEVER receive a study score above 45. The whole world is against me.
I didn’t deserve to enjoy the time after study scores came out. I am a failure and so didn’t deserve to ‘celebrate’ because there’s nothing to ‘celebrate’ about.
People I know have gotten way higher study scores than me. Especially this specific person who did methods and biology in year 11 as well (like me), got a 49 in Biology and 46 in Methods. My study scores pale in comparison to their beautiful ones. They are a step closer to getting into medicine and not me.
I have a very high possibility of not getting into medicine if the problem I found was the wrong problem. There are many people who are way smarter than me and are way ahead.
I wanted to write these down because I want to be aware of them. Awareness is good. It’s not about ignoring these negative thoughts because sometimes these are a motivation to just try harder so that you can climb the highest mountain and bare your teeth in the face of your hardest challenge.
There was a time when I literally burst out crying in front of my mum when we were having a conversation about my life. I haven’t done that again so it means I’m getting better. Obviously, when I’m watching a random youtube video, the thoughts of those people getting higher study scores than me is pure agony. But hey, that’s okay. I know I have the strength to push through this but not leave it behind because that’s what keeps me going. Until the end.
Well, that was a massive introduction and start to the new year, if you ask me.
Laters, my friends.