So I've been trying out different styles for the context section of the exam and I really like this one. It's intended to be a hybrid of imaginative and expository in that I'm approaching the topic like an essay, but using a first person approach with the occasional conversational tone. I want it to be kind of informal but not excessively so.
It tends to cross the line from 'conversational' to 'casual'; reign it back in where it does. You know the parts I mean.
I'd appreciate any commentary, especially regarding the form. This piece is by no means what I hope to create in the exam, I'm just developing the voice.
The thing about your piece is that it makes me want to read on, not because I have to but because I want to hear what you say next. The ideas are complex but you express them succinctly. You understand that it is about what you say as well as how you say it.
Model your voice on Holden's by all means, but let it stay 'your' voice. Talk to your reader with a clear intention. Tart it up just a bit with some sophisticated vocabulary, too. Make it tighter where it loses clarity and elaborate where you leave the reader thinking '...such as?'
The style suits you. Your voice is emerging with sincerity. Stick to this style -- it suits you -- and work on polishing it.
Experiment with idiom of the time rather than cliches such as "the cutting edge".
Good luck!Prompt:Our relationships with others help us define who we are
"I have a problem with absolute statements. In fact, I have a bit of a problem with anything that sounds remotely absolute.
(Give some examples of other absolutes here) That’s why I’m apprehensive about saying relationships help to form identity. Not that I’m saying its
<-- (what? And correct your punctuation.) wrong or anything like that, I just think that as a
sole, (use single -- sole has different connotations) unqualified statement, it fails to cover the topic neatly. If I had to phrase it, I’d say something like “Belonging contributes to the formation of identity
;(use a dash here) for better or for worse.” That sounds a lot
better (use a synonym) to me – much less absolute.
But how do I justify that statement
then? That’s the tricky bit.
I’d say that relationships influence identity both positively and negatively, and each in more than one way.
(Unclear/ ambiguous -- re-word) ‘Relationships’ has too many connotations
too (use a synonym) – to me it
<--(What? The word? The idea?) hints at friendship with people, when in fact a relationship could be any kind of interaction with another person. For that matter, it could be interaction with a group or even a relationship with the natural world or something like that
(give an example).
So don’t assume I’m talking about relationships with individuals when I say ‘relationships’.
Let’s see where I can go with this.(Hmmm... show, don't tell.)Conformity is seriously dangerous(Isolate that as a single sentence to give it impact and allow the reader to mull it over... and use a more sophisticated term for "seriously dangerous" -- you could even use a simile or a metaphor... a witty one.) people compromise their individuality all the time trying to fit in or
(attempting to) act according to a set of expectations.
(LINK IDEAS) Being born into any kind of family brings with it sets of values and cultural rules. These are of course taken for granted as truths by children (for the large part at least), and it is such assumptions that can lead a person to presume their future must follow a certain path. For instance in Salinger’s
Catcher (Full title), Holden sees this kind of conformity all around him,
like in Sally Hayes (for instance). Holden presumed (probably correctly) that Sally only wanted
(tense: keep it constant) to go skating at Radio City because her friends went there. She wanted to share their experience. That by itself sounds harmless, yet the impact it could have on Sally’s expectations of the relationship need to be considered. If Sally did it just because her friends did it and she wanted to say she’d been there, the consequence of this is that her relationship with Holden
could would be merely a fashion statement – an attempt at showing off to herself and others.
Ironically, it is butalso an act of conformity, reaffirming to herself that she is living the American dream. She even talks about marriage with Holden. Sally sees marriage as a desirable future, and I think I can tell you why: she lives at the cutting edge of fashion; she is an archetype of the 1950s American woman; her sense of sense (gotcha!) is determined by an attempt to locate herself exclusively from societal reference points, and she judges her success by how closely she simulates this unattainable stereotype of perfection, and also by how envied she is by her friends. This in turn means that Sally unknowingly compromises identity in order to belong and to be accepted. (She is) The epitome of what Holden would term a “phony”. Granted, this is of course a simplified and extremely harsh (<--go for something more sophisticated) condemnation of both Sally and her society, but it shows how attempting to define one’s self by aspiring to fulfill expectations can prevent growth of individuality.
I see relationships’ impact on identity ... (I see the impact relationships have on identity as being dangerous not only because of conformity, but also because of alienation. If a person can’t or won’t conform to the expectations of a relationship, does that relationship then have to be severed?"
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