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October 05, 2023, 12:32:24 am

Author Topic: Text response help!  (Read 2799 times)  Share 

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magnum03

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Text response help!
« on: April 16, 2021, 12:20:09 pm »
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hello just kindly asking if someone is willing to read my text response essay?

« Last Edit: April 16, 2021, 12:24:31 pm by magnum03 »

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Re: Text response help!
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2021, 12:43:48 pm »
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I'm not familiar with the text, but I'll try to give my thoughts on it. Quoted with notes (in red) in the spoiler below. Warning, though; if you mind me being slightly occasionally sarcastic or treating it slightly humorously, if that will upset you deeply (I am being serious here) maybe don't read it. I've not done all of it, just what I had time to do. And oh, I've been quite harsh too, putting EVERYTHING I could think of that I perceived as done 'wrong'. I was looking for errors; if you want compliments I can give them (well, right now I'm in a rush, but still.) I hope it helps.

Spoiler
i.   ‘The Ink Bridge’ shows us that connecting to others is the most important way of coping with difficult situations. Discuss.


Trying to survive a journey where “life was unstable as this boat”, Neil Grant magnifies the necessity of characters connecting with one another in order to cope emotionally as well as physically. I'm not sure what this sentence means. Perhaps make the first section clearer (good for using a quote though). Grant explicitly explores too much alliteration though this is a personal thing the tiny details of journeys when characters such as Hector and Omed are imposed with not sure
'imposed with' is correct
struggles and hardship. Neil Grant try switching up your sentence structure implements this as he attempts to enforce the effects atrocities can have on protagonists at a psychological level, which forces the protagonists you're allowed to name them, you know to look for support in characters around them. Despite please clarify why 'despite'; it's not clear to me being written in third person from Omed’s perspective, Neil Grant emphasises the importance the Iraqi mother had in helping Omed get through his boat trip to Australia under life threatening conditions seems to be a good idea here, but try making it more clear. Similar to this, Hector attempts to relate with the fisho ? under the West-Gate if you're talking the Aussie bridge it doesn't have a hyphen but separate words bridge as they both connect through their loss of loved ones. Furthermore, Arezu goes beyond most characters and succeeds in fully sympathising with Hector, which ultimately allows him to move on from his past and cope with his confused mental state these sentences feel a little disconnected, as if you're listing points rather than showing your arguments. Try one topic sentence for each paragraph and tighten the argument down to that; it'll help anyhow. For both Omed and Hector, Neil used first name once, don't need to again; can use 'the author' &c. if necessary Grant highlights the importance characters connected to them play in supporting the protagonist during times of pain and discomfort the sentence feels a little clumsy; I'd probably switch it around a bit. Left me having to find who 'them' was again. You want your reader to read without being confused. Not only do characters seek support in 'from' might be better those surrounding them, but also in characters which separate from them but are proven to be reliable in providing them with the comfort they demand. shorten the sentence a little

During times of utmost hardship and tribulation, Neil Grant clearly displays the important role characters play in providing the protagonists with support in order to tolerate life. maybe tighten the topic sentence The boat trip to Australia triggers 'causes' might be better? Omed to question his life and causes him a negative emotional imbalance where his identity and life purpose are challenged. ever heard the advice 'show don't tell'? It's common writing advice and in this case could be applicable Touched by the Iraqi mother and ‘the way she cradled her children to her’, Omed tries to build space in her who is she, as in, is this the mother we're talking or Omed? In any case, you've confused me here heart as he realises the importance care has on his mental wellbeing in order to cope with the near-death journey to Australia. expound Their connection deepens as Omed notices the trust and care they build with each other despite being surrounded by careless and cold people. hmmm I'd probably change the sentence While the mother and her kids drown, Omed is left in utter disbelief emphasising that ‘the knots’ tied to the anchor are the cause of their death. you're retelling the story; do more SHOWING WHY you are picking out these points The author further embeds this into change it - embeds is not the word you're looking for the reader by repeating if spelling, and I'm not sure that word is necessary anyhow for a second time ‘his knots’, conveying the guilt and responsibility Omed feels for his actions which result in a deeper sense of loss and pain nice. The ‘knots’ Omed ties to the mother are a symbol which represents his strong hope for a long lasting or eternal connection between them. maybe tighten the sentence, but good! As the mother dies, she reminds Omed “it is a long and difficult path you have chosen. But remember us” shorten the quote, which stitches wrong word the beginning of their meaningful relationship where the mother transitions into an important character in Omed’s eyes. When referring to the water mother ? Grant uses a hopeful and uplifting tone to amplify the positive effect the water mother has on Omed’s mood too much showing. Although Omed I'd probably add 'successfully' or something reaches Australia, his struggles as an immigrant continue and his need for support grows stronger, leading him to revive the spirit of the water mother to lean on for advice.
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