encounters with a non prince: penelope's attempt at a uni journal

[dedformed]

edit: upon further thought I might move this post down and add a preamble, hopefully after orientation week I can put in a bunch of resolutions and goals rather than delving straight into a heavy internal debate.

SEASON 2; prelogue rant thingabobamob: TIMES NEW ROMAN  

please kinda scroll down and read the next entry so I start my journal more calmly

HELO BEANZ WELCOME TO MY CHANNEL TODAY I SHALL START ANOTHER ATTEMPT TO ARTICULATE THE NON ROMATIC COMEDY THAT MY LIFE IS

after some heavy pondering (at 3 am, for precisely five minutes, accompanied by multiple other thoughts to move to a city I cannot spell the name of and start a new life), I have decided I shall in fact, impart more knowledge about my current life to any potential serial cannibals seeking some easy targets. I really enjoyed my experience with my VCE journal, and although it started off as this anonymous thing that I didn't share with anyone, I have since met multiple other journalers online and face to face, and in fact, shared excerpts with close family and friends to joke around. Perhaps I may never pursue writing as a full time job or even ever finish my novel that I keep modifying every other week since the beginning of time, but it's always been my outlet. It allows me to organise my thoughts, regardless of if I have an audience. Reading back over my VCE journal sometimes is also a source of reflection and introspection; it's funny how I panicked so much after my exams, and that one particular spesh sac where I thought the world was being crushed between my cas and its stylus. Those days are long gone, and although sometimes my heart yearns a little for the spoon feeding and regularity of high school, I cannot wait to begin my new journey towards wherever this rom-com novel that is my existence is taking me.

If you don't already know me, my name is not penelope, and I dont know why i call  myself that in my journals. I just recently finished high school with the moods of a sine graph; if you're interested in reading a 15 month rant about how disorienting VCE can be, my journal is in the doobly doo down below. If you want a tl;dr version of it, here it is: I survived VCE. Prince Medicine didn't kiss me at the ball. The kiss, in fact, was awfully metallic. Although it radiated something; a new perspective.

I'm currently enrolled to start my Bachelor of Radiography and Medical Imaging at Monash in the upcoming semester. Mr Radiography has so far proposed to me but I am still hesitant on my offer. I love anatomy and am truly enticed by the content I'll be taught, based on the handbook at least, but I'm worried that it's an intense course and I'm gonna end up switching to med in the end at some point, so is it worth being specialised in a different field rather than taking up something more general (like science or arts) to broaden my skillset and exposure so I can be more well rounded in my personality as a post grad doctor? I sure as hell cannot count on getting in by resitting the UCAT (which I still find something traumatising to even think about), and given the specialised and intense nature of radiography it would be incredibly tough to study for the UCAT or even maintain an extremely high GPA/ WAM. At the same time, it's a reasonable fall back. I want to become financially independent soon, it's something of a priority in my book, and radiography is a strong fallback in case the first few trials at the GAMSAT don't land me a cute spot. I can continue working and developing my skills as a radiographer as I prepare for the GAMSAT, whereas, with a general degree if I don't get into Medicine after GAMSAT I'd either take up further study or have to find more of a lighter, less specialised job, because I imagine just being a recent science graduated isn't enough for a proper job. I received a second round offer for Law/ Science at Monash but ended up declining; I didn't think it was worth that much time. I have now changed my preferences again to add BSc/ Doctor of Veterinary Medicine to my list, although I'm not sure what the odds of getting a spot are this late in the year. This is supposedly a guaranteed pathway into the Doctor of Veterinary Medicine; I need a 98.5+, which I meet, plus a 70+ WAM and a written statement to get through. Seems like a fair bet to get in; the idea is, I do my Bachelor of Science majoring in Veterinary medicine (which entices me quite significantly, just anything anatomical is my cup of tea), then sit the GAMSAT both next year and the year after; this way I have four tries at it to see if I could find a spot in one of the Doctor of Medicine programs anywhere. If I somehow still don't qualify I would have a fallback of becoming a vet instead. The only problem is that I'm not sure I'll be satisfied with this job - one aspect of medicine that really enticed me was emotionally connecting with people and that kind of empathy is more difficult for me, as someone who has never had pets, to maintain. But I still love animals, and being able to treat sick animals is still a significantly rewarding experience, if not equally as rewarding as medicine itself. The other thing is, it's a six year pathway and it would be difficult for me to join medicine afterwards because the uni route would be quite long; 3 years BSC + 3 years Vet + 4 years MD = not a brown person pathway. As a first generation migrant that's not just culturally reprimanded, I also want to be financially stable as soon as possible; and academic pathways seem to be my only reasonable route to this state. On the pro side, the first three years are more general, University of Melbourne is much more feasible to travel to - I went to University high school last year, and that was a 90 minute journey but just one train ride plus a tram ride. I can sit the GAMSAT next year, and I imagine maintaining a higher WAM is more achievable with something like BSc rather than Radiography. The journey to Monash for me is at least 2 hours, generally 4 transits, or three on a good day, and radiography requires my attendance on campus EVERY SINGLE WEEKDAY. And I am 80 hours away from getting my Ps, and probably would also need my own car, which is still gonna take an hour and fiteen to Monash. Moving out isn't feasible yet. So the commute and attendance is really intense and my internal organs question whether it's worth this amount of work and effort if I want to switch to a completely different career later down the track anyway. But the thing is, Medicine isn't ultimately guaranteed and I don't know how long it will be until my GAMSAT results become competent enough to get into a postgrad program.  The next round of offers is on the 14th, so I'll see how that goes; I'm having all these mental debates but I need to have the Vet option in the first place to be able to accept or decline it. So I'm in a bit of a slump.

Radiography itself is quite enticing, if it wasn't for the extreme commute and the fact that it feels like every time someone asks me why I picked radiography my first instinct is to tell them I wanted to do medicine and this was my next best option. It's enticing in the sense of a hobby. As an elective. But perhaps not as a full time career. It'll always be my next best option. It's like I got rejected by my crush and now I'm dating the guy who asked me out just to test if it works out. He's cute, I'm attracted to him, but I still feel rejected and I don't know if I'll ever love him the same.

However, this doesn't mean I'm sitting in a slump for radiography. The paperwork to start the degree is really intense; I need all these vaccines and blood tests to prove that I'm immune to literally every disease that exists and that my blood, in fact, is red. They check for fangs, butt size and police checks. Turns out I'm not a criminal, how boring. Also, since I didn't do VCE physics I need to do their "short" bridging course, which, I just saw, is 40 hours long. Fun times ahead, but I'm so deprived of academic stimulation I'm actually excited to start it. I'll start the course, see how I go for the next few days and that way if I do receive  a Vet offer but reject it, or if I only receive emails from survey monkey and "CLICK HERE FOR FREE KORONACOIN, THE NEW BITCOIN" I will at least have made some progress in the physics module to cause less stress on early March me. Parts of me yearn for a late med offer, ANYWHERE that will take me, but the only unis left are Monash (since that's the only place that interviewed me) and UTAS (since they don't have interviews) because everyone else has left me an "unfortunately-" note. Of course now this is less feasible. Where I had no sleep on Jan 14 due to the excited nerves of getting an offer, and I woke up early on Feb 1, I didn't even bother with checking notifications on Feb 8. Three rounds are gone, my hopes do not exist anymore, just a weird yearning. The way you wish a crush would text you first. The way every time they say "hi" you expect them to say "i love you" but instead they tell you there's toilet paper on your shoes. But when they start dating other people, such an expectation becomes a silly obsession you really need to get over and move on. It's that story. I know I overly compare my experience with medicine to a love story, and that's because I've romanticised the idea of my life being a doctor. Whenever I'd struggle in VCE I'd remind myself why I'm doing it; I conditioned myself into becoming so enveloped by the idea of medicine that the anything else doesn't seem to come at par with it. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Either way, it is what it is, I just need to solidify my decision and just move forward with it. We'll get there guys, eventually I'll understand myself.

Yours affectionately (stealing this from my old methods teacher's posts)
i feel like i shouldn't be ded for med.

 [/font]

[beep boop]

Hi Penelope!

So glad to see the journal hit the ground running. 

Looking forward for S2 EP2 update.

🥺

beep boop

[dedformed]

SEASON 2; EPISODE 1: Tibia-nest I'm kind of excited  

Hello peeps! I figured I'm going to do a little switcheroo and put this post at the top and move my previous one to the bottom because I want to practice some positioning but also because it's kind of a little intense as a starter (probably later). When I wrote it I was super confused because not getting into med was a weird hard reality that took a while to absorb properly. For the record, I didn't get an offer from UniMelb because I changed my preferences too late to be considered. Do I regret it?

Absolutely not.

I've had two days of this course and I can tell you I know I will love it. Mr Radiography is a bit of a Mr Darcy tbh, like you don't feel the vibe until you really get to know him. We started yesterday (had a few pre readings last week) but we are so deep into content I must tell you it's like I loved drinking water and I was pushed into a whole freshwater lake.

It's really, really intense, for starters. So much terminology being thrown at us. Mitochondria is the power house of the cell but you know what's the primary centre of the bone? Me neither. I learnt it this morning but I forgot. (hint: it's diaphysis, just checked my notes). Did you know that X rays were discovered by accident? And the first nobel prize in physics was attributed to Rontgen because of his work on X Rays? And Thomas Edyson stopped working on X rays because his friend's arm was burnt horribly by an X Ray? Or that it's called an X ray because Rontgen dude didn't know what it was and since his ex was confusing he named it after her? It's quite the story, and filial background for Mr Radiography is kinda intriguing. Picking that as a last name (well, actually a prefix), doesn't seem too bad at all.

This semester, we have three electives:
RAD1021, which is fisics, and we look at, well, radiation and physics surrounding it. So far I'm getting the vibe of understanding the basic units of time, distance and mass and once we gauge the relationship between these basic factors we can move into things that are more complex, like exposure factors, dosage and everything. I was a little worried the physics would be intimidating but the professors seem super nice, plus, half the cohort is physics illiterate so that makes me feel less abone.

RAD1031, which is anatomy and biology. This one has been quite intense. There is so much jargon everywhere. Did you know you could describe joints based on movement? Synarthrosis = no movement. Amphiarthrosis = some movement. Diarthrosis = move that body girl. alittlescaredosis = me. It's so many words and to be fair I think I have decent memory but it's like that initial force you gotta overcome to truly get into it. Being home for five months and doing nothing intellectually stimulating means the gears in my brain need a little while before they stop sounding like shrieking gorillas every time they see a new term. It's also kind of intuitive. dia= through, so diaphysis = bone shaft. It's a whole language on its own, and although it's a little tough at the start once I spend some more time with bonespeak you'll have chills down your spine at how fluently I will rap it.

Finally, RAD1061 is the practical component. It's a mix of both and applying them. Reading doctor's handwriting. Touching people's butts (although haven't done that bit yet). Cute bone pics. X raying the dolls which have names. Pretty lit.

Uni is a whole new world. Firstly, it's SO HUGE. Like ENORMOUS. Like, bigger than ur mom, that's how big. I was attending an online lecture and for a second I zoned out, and looked around me. The library was so alive, so busy. Everyone was absorbed in their work, in their own little journey to their idea of a good life. There's this weird anonymity. You meet people you knew years ago, and see them pass by. You don't recognise the girl who introduced herself to you briefly yesterday. You can choose to disappear, within the crowd. I discovered popular study nooks. I did a little step addition to my Health app, moved myself around campus (aka got lost) and discovered little corners for myself to study. I liked this spot but the charging station didn't work. This other spot was perfect. It was a quiet space, in front of what I can only call an abandoned room. There was nobody there, and when I sat down I noticed spider webs nesting between the benches and the tables. So thick you could wear them to met gala and pass as normal.  I didn't barge in, perhaps that wasn't my niche. Let Incy Wincy take a spot. The view was pretty though, I might go again to say hi to my lil spidey fren.

Social life's pretty strange. Nobody here knows me, or who I am. It's like I'm given this empty slate to display on my forehead. Every time I enter class I have to fill it in with something to share about myself. I don't know, am I witty? Punny? Or should I take a more serious vibe. I made a pee joke and realised one person was uncomfortable. I loved this beautiful gorgeous girl that held the door open for people and really wanted to be friends with her (good person vibes, you know??), so we talked a bit and then during online class I typed "you're a freaking legend" for something she said and forgot to address it to her private messages on zoom, and sent it to the whole class instead. It's so hard not be be extremely self aware, especially for an overthinker like me. First impressions seem like such a big deal, and they probably will determine how people feel about me to some extent. In conclusion, please hit me with a truck. (Or, dont, I might see fellow radiographers at my hospital visit). DID YOU KNOW that radiographers can work in the emergency department too?! Some surgeries actually require a technologist to be there to operate equipment. I CANNOT wait (to become one, not hit by a truck btw)

We went around the class yesterday and answered why we were doing radiography. Turns out almost everyone around me was rejected by Medicine, which is a little tough. I made a few new friends but I'm still hovering around class, trying to find someone that clicks a little more naturally. I don't know how to describe it but although I'm pretty easy with making friends (thanks, going to like 10 million schools), I find it hard to connect to people more than superficially. Like, everyone is amazing and it's been two days I know, but everyone feels a little distant.

One thing though: I was BLESSED to meet wing.dings in real life. OH MY GOODNESS.

she is so gorgeous I died.

She has the kindest smile and although we've only spoken a couple of times the connection I felt with her was very heartfelt, it was like we've been friends forever. Girl, if you're reading this I'm sorry for being corny but like, you're so lovely.

Anywho, I want to wrap this up because I have so much work to do already and as tradition says, I must write a journal entry when my to do lists start to flood. I just wanted to add a few of my uni resolutions to a list:

1. Take care of myself and be consistent with sleep. Honestly this sounds so simple but during VCE I became so sleep deprived it was insane. Even thinking back to it, I can't decipher how I survived with so little sleep. I think part of this is also managing my time wisely and doing things bit by bit and not allowing them to build up.

2. Adjudicate at least one or two debates for DAV. I passed the adjudicator test and I would really like this to happen, although given my heavy commute to uni (4 hours a day ;-; ) and extremely busy timetable I'm not sure this is entirely possible.

3. Continue doing art! I feel like I improved so much over the holidays because I did so much art but that's what happens every year; I get into the busy parts of life and ditch art entirely. I find art very, very therapeutic and it's something I don't want to give up!

4. CONTINUE WRITING A JOURNAL! I wasn't going to write a public journal again, but tbh it helps me stay accountable and I want to continue practising my writing somewhere. I've loved writing since forever and although I've never finished any of my draft novels I'm really happy about the whole vce journal thing. I stuck to it pretty consistently and although a lot of the posts were more rant-ish rather than goofing around (mainly because I didn't have a lot of time and when I did write it was to get away from stress, so most of my posts were for catharsis), I'm happy to see a record of my progress as a person, and as a student that I can look back and cringe at.

and that's it, for now, I think. I don't want to set unrealistic long lists that I probably won't accomplish.

thanks for reading, bless your eyes.
penelopee who made a poop joke in front of the wrong audience please help me overcome this PAIN

[jinx_58]

I love the vibes you're radiating, thank you. 

[beep boop]

OMG YOU MET THE HONORABLE WINGDINGS?! SJSJSNSDNSNDN😎🥺

^{totally not jelly rn. lol lies. totally am}

Also, I hope you find some other human frens too. I betcha Incy Wincy might like the extra company as well.

Its great to hear that you like the course so far.

beep boop

[dedformed]

SEASON 2; EPISODE 2: Hammate like this, actually  

Hello beanz in good SOUPP

I’m currently making my way down to uni. It’s quite the commute actually, I live at the end of a different train line to Packenham so I gotta take an hour train ride to the city and then the hour in the train + bus combination from Flindys to uni. At first it seemed horrible but honestly if I make wise use of my time (which is a big “if”) it’s not too bad. I can download lectures off Moodle and watch them on the go but I usually just stare out of the window, listening to the same song on repeat, thinking about my cat.
Yes, I got a lil feline frend for me. She’s very smol, parents were shook at the idea but now they adore her to the point I’m jealous. Typical I-didn’t-want-a-cat parents..
Uni’s been pretty fast paced. I actually love it, minus the travel. The content is really interesting, and requires strong spatial awareness. So if you’re on a train watching some weird girl do strange dancing moves to feel her olecranon process and remember the difference between abduction and adduction, it’s probably me. I’ve got really noisy joints as well, so it makes for a good show.
RAD1061 has been the most fun. Yesterday we took our first Xrays ever – mine was a lil askew and could do with better positioning, but I put my hand up in the group first, so obviously it had more mistakes than people that watched me to learn from mistakes.
It’s funny how superficially I knew about my  degree when I started. It felt like all that needed to be done was to press buttons here and there; a technician sort of vibe. I even questioned what on Earth there was to learn in four whole years of button pressing. I imagined to apply for typist competitions with my very nimble skills to turn off buttons (and people, with my horrible jokes). That’s what felt a little disorienting when I was starting – all my life I’d imagined myself working with biology and people, not just standing behind a screen exercising my interphalangeal joints.
But radiography is so much more than just textbook technical knowledge. There’s this beautiful overlap between physics and anatomy – it’s this cool niche of nuclear medicine where I get to brag about regularly using the e=mc2 formula for reals. There’s an understanding of anatomy and diagnosis you need to have to know how to position someone to get a particular image. An understanding of how to approach people with medical conditions, like, a person with arthritis won’t be able to comply. What if they have a nail stuck between their fingers? What if the patient is non verbal? It’s a very complex occupation that requires a high degree of problem solving and understanding very specific details about the human body.
So far I know that Steve left the party to take Caroline home (Scaphoid, Lunate, Triquetrum, Pisiform, Trapezium, Trapezoid, Capitate and Hammate, aYYY those textbook writers really do know how to make you remember things), and that olecranon process is actually not a process! There’s bits of anatomy named like topographical features and just imagining the tuberosity on my radius and the small and great tubercles gives me shivers down my spine, I repeat, down the inferior direction on the Sagittarial plane. I’m learning about parts of my construction I didn’t even know existed and I love it. Yesterday I found out that you can, in fact, have your eyes X rayed, which is pretty cool when you think about it.
I’ve been speaking to other people to see where my potential trainride could take me. It’s like I wanted to take an express to Medicine but there were delays on the line and now I’m taking a regular bus that goes around town instead of the bus replacement trains. I’m seeing all these new stations I didn’t know existed, and couldn’t have known existed if I’d stuck with the old train ride. I’ve wanted to be involved in leadership since I started high school, and I love working in management and organising things. I’ve been speaking to fourth year kids that mentor us for labs about how they got involved. Long story short I need to impress my coord lol. I’ve always been a teachers pet but frankly it’s kinda hard in uni. The demographic of my class has narrowed to high achievers – all the smart fish have been scooped into one tank (I don’t even know how I’m in the tank!) and now I’m just another fish without the special effects of being a little bit more inquisitive than other people. Here, everyone cares about their learning, and doing all the work is a bare minimum to pass the grade. If I really want to be involved properly I need to extend myself beyond just the textbooks but that is super hectic given the overwhelming quantity of information we are required to ingest.
I also found out through a few people that I don’t actually need to have a teaching degree to become a lecturer. Quite a few lecturers that teach me are radiographers as well as professors; and the idea very much appeals to me as a little side thing. Of course, I’d love to work in a hospital but having that variation in the kinds of work I do will fuel my energy to keep going. I like having a little bit of a lead, not in an authoritative way, but I think it’s pretty cool to be able to teach people new things, and I don’t think I’m in too bad of a spot.
Also, we use this thing called Pebble Pad to create a portfolio of how we’re progressing through the degree. I LOVE the idea of journaling my way through radiography that way; I’m a fan of portfolio-ing everything so that’s really exciting as well.
Then there’s RAD1021, physics. It’s funny because my prof explained solid liquids and gases on the same day she touched on Einstein’s photoelectric effect. In fact, she spent an equal amount of time detailing the specifics of both, which I found slightly odd. But, I still like her because she’s lovely accommodating. I’ve been trying to up my Excel operating skills, once again thanking all the lovely Indian profs on YouTube for explaining some very basic things to me. Overall, the physics is pretty doable so far and I’m even liking it a little bit.

And RAD1031 is what you expect it to be. Steve cant even party he gotta bring that lady home. SO MUCH CONTENT! Pictures of all kinds of bones. Feet bones (oooh), butt bones. Tailbones. Floating bones. Ugly bone pics. Cute bone pics. Bone in plaster, bone after plaster.

READING FRIGIN DOCTORS HANDWRITING!
We have so far spent a significant amount of time trying to unpack doctor’s handwriting commands on patient history. Sometimes I zone out of the sessions and look at the documents provided to me as a whole. Marks and hashtags have a whole new meaning, and there’s semantics in what look like different positions of my kitty’s tail. What looks like a bunch of curly bum hair placed on paper is supposed to tell you how many X rays of which hand someone needs, why they need them, and other requirements “oh yeah and this person has arthritis btw so they aint gon be able to comply".


But either way so far I'm liking the jam. Hopefully that'll be the case as I feel the base of the jar.

Nelopes

[beep boop]

Hey Penelope!

SEASON 2; EPISODE 2: Hammate like this, actually  

READING FRIGIN DOCTORS HANDWRITING!
We have so far spent a significant amount of time trying to unpack doctor’s handwriting commands on patient history. Sometimes I zone out of the sessions and look at the documents provided to me as a whole. Marks and hashtags have a whole new meaning, and there’s semantics in what look like different positions of my kitty’s tail. What looks like a bunch of curly bum hair placed on paper is supposed to tell you how many X rays of which hand someone needs, why they need them, and other requirements “oh yeah and this person has arthritis btw so they aint gon be able to comply".

I'm sure you'll interpret the hieroglyphs of doctor's handwriting soon!

Your bean in good soup,
beep boop

[dedformed]

SEASON 2; EPISODE 3: The photoelectric effect  

For context, the photoelectric effect is where you (an electron) absorb all the energy from an incident x ray and sort of just let it move you. There's no scatter.

I find that relatable on a deep level, and I think that's a concerning fact.

Well, hello there, and welcome back to my rant post pity party.

Honestly, I don't have much to say but I don't want to stop journaling so here goes.

Currently in the middle of my mid semester break. Usually it's a week but I get two weeks cuz apparently we later sacrifice our souls so this is the transaction we are offered, like it or not.

How have I been?
Like an electron, I am weightless, and full of energy, but it's actually negative energy. I am confused because of the uncertainty principle, there are various factors affecting me and in any given moment you can only gauge one. This aint no love story. The non prince aint love me back (or well, he does, but he's emotionally unavailable)!

To stop sounding so convoluted, I think I like my degree, but it's intense. I have a confession: I've been super duper not intensely studying, which is not the best pair to put together. We just had midsemester exams and frankly this is the first time I haven't panicked to study ultra hard for exams. I was just distracted by having a social life somehow and therefore didn't grind as hard. I ended up with meh, average grades, and I'm not sure what to make of it. For once, I wanted to let myself go and see if it felt good. I guess, in the moments where I wasn't studying it did, but looking back, I wouldn't let myself go there again. Which means I need to undo all the mistakes of crackhead Penelope and catch up on at least 24 hours of studying (like no break). I am ultra super duper behind in everything and I am really wishing to get back on track before my holidays end. Grinding can be tough but I think it gives me purpose. I didn't like dilly dallying around for six weeks at all, and although I can shamelessly admit I wasn't nearly as guilty about my lower than trending grades for all my units as I would have been if I told Year 12 me about it, I know I don't wanna be that person again.

I find the content interesting. I've been catching up to the physics lectures (literally just finished four hours of non stop physics grind) and I'm like, hey, this is actually super cool stuff! I'd been putting it off because idk, self inflicted miseries ya know, but the more I'm understanding by slowly learning and doing extra work, the more I appreciate the subject. I think with every new task there's this barrier when you start; that fear of not getting it and the frustration of how difficult some things are to grasp. But once you've got the momentum, it can be super fun. I think that's how I wanna feel about physics. I'm still gathering the inertia to start my momentum, but I'll get there eventually.

For anatomy and practical components, I've been pretty invested in the content. Again, I had that dilly dally phase for a few weeks which tolled on my grades, but I still managed an okay (like not impressive) but okay grade by doing the bare minimum. Which, to be honest, is kind of inspiring. If I can do meh by studying the bare minimum, imagine if I went spesh grind mode with this - how cool would that be!

I'm still wrapping my head around how to catch up to about 3 weeks of full on content in a week and do my holiday hw. This course is already intense but crackhead me left too much work on my shoulders for the holidays, so I have to bear the weight if I wanna have a smoother later half of the semester. I think the commute has been quite harsh too, having to travel 4 hours a day is crazy and the transitions between each bus and train make it even more frustrating because it interrupts any productive things I'm trying to achieve.

This is more of a confession post than an update, but I'll say this much. I like the degree, but I'm just overwhelmed by how much of a bubble year 12 was compared to this. Yes, there was more content, but there was so much spoon feeding and support. I feel like a little kitten, out in the wild, trying not to get hit by cars, having four generations of indoor feline ancestors. I thought year 12 would be the worst of it, and it was, but this isn't the most chill thing either. So I'm just on a journey accepting that. Surely that makes this journal more real to anyone that reads it.

Wish me sanity.
Penelope

[heids]

Just wanted to drop in and saying that I've been loving your journal so far, so please don't stop writing!  You have a wonderful knack with words that I've always wished I had.  I particularly love healthcare-related diaries, hearing what it's like from the perspectives of different healthcare professions.

I find the content interesting. I've been catching up to the physics lectures (literally just finished four hours of non stop physics grind) and I'm like, hey, this is actually super cool stuff! I'd been putting it off because idk, self inflicted miseries ya know, but the more I'm understanding by slowly learning and doing extra work, the more I appreciate the subject. I think with every new task there's this barrier when you start; that fear of not getting it and the frustration of how difficult some things are to grasp. But once you've got the momentum, it can be super fun.

Oh I FEELLLLLLLL this.  My life is an endless string of these self-inflicted miseries.

I thought year 12 would be the worst of it, and it was, but this isn't the most chill thing either. So I'm just on a journey accepting that.

Yeah, really every different part of life has its own challenges.  In high school, we've been taught that year 12 is THE year, the WORST year, the HARDEST year, the most IMPORTANT year of your life.  And... it just really isn't.  Uni is hard, full time work is hard in a different way, parenting is hard (I'm guessing), old age is hard (I watch it every day), and so on.  They also all have their own pros alongside the cons.

When I'm balancing uni and work, I always wish I could go back to freedom from mental pressure to study or do assignments at all times when not at work.  And when I'm working heaps during holidays, I wish I could go back to having more time off work (and just more flexibility for appointments or friend catch-ups etc), and not being so physically exhausted all the time.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anyway, I'm glad you're enjoying the content, and it's really REALLY normal to feel like you're lazy or dropping the ball (me too), particularly when you're adjusting to a new setting.  You're doing great. <3

[dedformed]

Just wanted to drop in and saying that I've been loving your journal so far, so please don't stop writing!  You have a wonderful knack with words that I've always wished I had.  I particularly love healthcare-related diaries, hearing what it's like from the perspectives of different healthcare professions.

This truly made me smile. This is such a niche corner of the internet I mainly write here cuz it's just a lil storage shelf for my existential crises, but you know, having a lil validation and hearing that this is more than just me exacerbating my chances of carpal tunnel really make me smile. I write for myself, but to know that it comforts someone else too gives me a nice kind of feeling, so thank you for reading!

Yeah, really every different part of life has its own challenges.  In high school, we've been taught that year 12 is THE year, the WORST year, the HARDEST year, the most IMPORTANT year of your life.  And... it just really isn't.  Uni is hard, full time work is hard in a different way, parenting is hard (I'm guessing), old age is hard (I watch it every day), and so on.  They also all have their own pros alongside the cons.

When I'm balancing uni and work, I always wish I could go back to freedom from mental pressure to study or do assignments at all times when not at work.  And when I'm working heaps during holidays, I wish I could go back to having more time off work (and just more flexibility for appointments or friend catch-ups etc), and not being so physically exhausted all the time.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anyway, I'm glad you're enjoying the content, and it's really REALLY normal to feel like you're lazy or dropping the ball (me too), particularly when you're adjusting to a new setting.  You're doing great. <3

there are times when we all need to hear things and I remember when I read this a few days ago (I was procrastinating on replying) I really needed this. Thanks beans:)

SEASON 2; EPISODE 4: Image Resolution (and possibly conflict resolution too, minus the resolution part)  

Roses are red,
do bong soon is strong
it has been
SO DAMN LONG

that was less cringe in my head I promise^ But fr, it's been so long since I've journaled mainly because there's nothing to share. It's been so long I had forgotten some of the formatting things and how to change the font. So long, there was a warning sign above my thread saying it's been a long time since someone has posted. But fams, I'm not letting writing go. I must be loyal to my audience of two people.

Uni's been pretty mid. Frankly, I've just been keeping my head above the water, not really working more than I need to. I haven't failed or anything, but I'm not the smartest person in the class either. It was giving me a little bit of imposter syndrome at first, but I think I dont mind cutting down on the grind a bit and socialising. During VCE, I often spent my lunchtimes alone in the library, either catching up on sleep, or doing work. I did have friends but my connections were weak. I'd show up once in a while but I wasn't really close to them, so I didn't seek much pleasure being around them, and they were on good terms with me, but you know, it was so formal the lexical density was more than it is for high mAs x ray images.

This year's been a schocker for me in terms of that. Not just because of the unit of electricity, but because I realised I am very, very, emotionally inept. I've done so much public speaking and debating and worked in so many teams all of hs. But the whole ride with meeting people this year, resolving some minor conflicts and meeting friends I actually want to be around has been a whole different eye opener. A lot of imposter syndrome, too. I thought I knew how to interact with people. Turns out all I have learnt is how to memorise things and regurgitate them. I've learnt a lil thing or two about working in teams and public speaking, but all that talking is when you're in a professional relationship with people. It's easier to cut people off when you're working with them, because no hard feelings involved. This year, adjusting myself into uni, I've found myself with a set of like minded people. We're all smart in our own ways and everyone's lost their butt trying to get into this course and saying "lmao" too many times. I think back to the first time I sat the selective entry exams and how invested I was back then to get in. But now, sitting here, reflecting, I realise how mundane all of that was. Academics are really important, don't get me wrong. Hard work pays off. But it's more than just memorising details and regurgitating them. I've realised how many dimensions there are for me to work on, and I'm just a raw lil bean trying to find my way through things. It's a humbling experience.

And I've realised it's okay. It's okay not to know it all. When I finished high school in November, I had been so shielded from the outside world. I had never worked, rarely gone out with friends. And frankly, it was so intimidating. In hindsight, I think, being in year 12 gives you this sense of conceitedness. I don't mean that you shouldn't feel proud at the end, but I think because all of high school, that's what it builds up to - year 12, the final year. The year that matters. And also, since you're from the oldest crowd at school there's this smugness that comes with it, feeling a little bit on top of things, like you know it all.

I found a translation for a proverb that goes "a triton among minnows" - and I think that fits so perfectly.

May it was just me. I felt like I was ready to face the real world, in terms of emotional maturity, at least.

Boy was I wrong. And I know, it's obvious why, but the intensity of my wrongness is what surprises me most.

I remember when I first started working how difficult it was. My extracurriculars in high school allowed me to somehow sell myself into a spot at Westfied's concierge. I do feel like it's quite a bit of a jump to have that as my first job - most people working with me were well into their twenties or even older, which made it even more of a shock. I'm so used to being given instruction and to follow what I've been asked to do. That's how high school was always like - we must line up outside the class. We are instructed by the teacher on what to do, and we must never stray from that. It's how high school conditions us. But in the workplace it is so much different. In the workplace though, everyone's doing their own thing. The better you are at working independently without relying on someone, the more you are preferred. I think I struggled a lot with that, to the point my manager might have been a little annoyed at my lil goody two shoes ass. I asked too many questions. Not because I didn't know what to do, but because I wanted to do it right. In high school, there's always this idea of wanting to impress the teacher. Asking lots of questions, ensuring I have my hands on the rubric. Getting it right. Apparently that's not how it is in the real world. It annoys people, and it can cost you your job.

I think I've been quite conflicted about that. I spent a lot of time thinking about it. The idea of being perfectionistic and picking on every single detail to ensure your work is perfect. Also on that note, being idealistic. I've always been much of an idealist. I remember, with bio sacs in Year 11, if I ever didn't get the marks on my SAC that I deserved, I always went back to claim the missing +1 or +2 or whatever it was. So naturally, it made sense to go back to the teacher when he rewarded me extra, right? And it wasn't just one occasion, it was multiple. I don't know if it's my religious values or otherwise, I've always found myself nit picking at the finest details in things, filled with fear of getting it wrong, and guilt, if I do. I remember I went back after class so many times, sometimes embarrassed, to request my teacher to take away marks. And at first he seemed a little thrown off, even impressed. But later, one time, I remember, during the last SAC, he was doing something important and perhaps he was a little out of character, so he snapped at me. He said "you can just go back to your seat, no need to pick on it so much". And I think he regretted snapping, but I understood. I was a little hurt, to be honest. I've always just wanted to do the right thing. I've always wanted to be the person pertaining to justice. I've always wanted to be a good person. It might not be a big deal for the teacher, but the reason why I went to him for the marks was because I have this gnawing guilt that always hits me - this influx of intrusive thoughts "isn't it unfair that I got this score I didnt even earn? Now if I get into med school it wont be entirely my own effort". And I know, it's a little ridiculous to take it that far, but at the back of my mind, little things add up. And the guilt grows.

I've always been titled an idealist for how I frame myself. I always nitpick at little details. I always clean my seat when I leave the restaurant, even sometimes wipe the table. I feel guilty about making someone else do it for me. I don't mean it in a toot my own horn kind of way, saying oh yeah, look at me, I'm a nice person. I just mean I've noticed I care too much about rules. I got called goody-two-shoes by someone the other day, and I noticed, damn, they're right:// And it might be a good thing in the textbooks, but in the real world, it can be stressful, and even intimidating for other people.

At the same time, for a while, I thought the guilt was a good thing.

Now you might think, that's ridiculous! Why would you wanna beat yourself over every minute detail surrounding you to the point it interferes with your feelings of self worth?

I thought the guilt made me a better person. I think it's the romanticising of people that work so hard they dont have time for themselves. The romanticising of overachievers. I dont know why but I was so convinced I must get everything done perfectly, or at least strive to, otherwise, I cannot be a truly good person. And not just "was", but "am". I think that's why I was so harsh on myself in year 12. I always thought I wasn't doing enough. And I still feel that way, inadequate. I didnt want to acknowledge the good because I was afraid of complacency, of thinking I was okay, so I wouldnt strive to be better.

I know this all probably sounds crazy but I just feel like I had to vent it somewhere. I've always been so much of a perfectionist I never felt enough, or that I was doing enough. And this year I realised I had reached a point where the only thing I ever felt was guilt, for not doing enough. I was doing a uni degree that requires a 98 ATAR, sure, but I wasn't like my friend, who was doing her degree, studying a language, going to gym, and working on the weekends. I dont know why we idealise burnout so much. I constantly worried about doing the right thing and nitpicked on details about being the right person. I didnt want to displease anyone - not my parents, not my friends, not God. And the thing about God is, when you believe in one, He's always there, watching. Which is comforting, I must say. But it's also the fact that every little thing feels like you want to do it perfectly. And if I didn't make sure I asked my manager two million times whether or not I can give away something for free to one customer because they're being a little more rude, but I made the previous person pay, even though that's what a colleague said, I would feel like I had displeased God. It's good to hold yourself accountable, but setting the sensitivity so low, the contrast resolution is non existent and the need for conflict resolution is too high.

I had a long conversation with my dad about it today. I told him how I was constantly conflicted because I wanted to do what's right, and my definition of what's right was constantly beating myself up over minute details that matter very little in the grand scheme of things. And he said, that's not healthy (who would've thought). But also, he said something I think I needed to hear. He told me it's not good to be so compulsive about it if it affects my everyday life. He said I need to find a balance between not going to the complete extreme and completely neglecting the right thing to do and nitpicking to the point where I'm feeling sick. And when I asked him how I can know where to draw the line, he said I must figure it out myself. The balance.

I've been ranting for over two thousand words, but I think I had to do it somewhere, so I figured, this lil place on the internet might be the spot to go. I think I've just hit this epiphany where I'm like, it's okay to stop beating myself over every little detail. It's okay to not ace every exam and find time for other things and other people - stuff I'd have called bullshit last year, but it's so true. ATAR is truly just a number. It doesn't tell you anything about a person's emotional maturity, their ability to handle stress, their ability to work independently. Nothing. It has value, sure, but not as much as I worshipped it last year.

I have been trying to work on the perfectionism and working alone. I think it's important to get in there and get your hands dirty, and slowly learn to mould the clay. I've been adjudicating for DAV and at first I was so burdened by the moral responsibility of being a fair adjudicator - don't get me wrong, I do believe in fairness, but it's the fact that I would obsess over it beyond the work hours. Whenever I was allocated a debate, I would obsessively worry about my justice to the students and what I would say and how I could make it perfect. And I think, 20 debates in, I've learnt so much about working independently. I was so scared when they threw me in the deep end to adjudicate without having any experience or piggybacking. I've also been working as a tutor. My first lesson, I was thrown into the deep end, left to figure out how to teach a random group of 8 year olds how to add fractions. How I know I've come a long way from the old me, is that whole experience. Last year me would have fretted so much about deserving the money I was paid for those three hours, because did I truly work that hard? I wasn't able to get through all the content and it feels wrong to be paid for it if I didn't do my best. I would feel so wrong I might have to donate all the money away because it's "not truly mine" - do you see the problem? I think I was calm enough to try and make do with what I could, in that context, given my limited experience and resources.

It's okay not to have it all together. It's okay to get my hands dirty. And it's not good to be compulsive about things. And it's okay to learn the hard way, make a little mess. And I have a long, long, long way to go before I get somewhere.


Uni has been turning me into a philosopher. We're getting there, "there" being an asymptote we'll forever keep approaching but never hit.

Peaceful beans and energy beans
-nelopeoplenelope

[Geoo]

What you've written here is so relateble, and I think you have perfectly expressed this. I'm not quite over my perfectionism hump, as mine stemps from a different place, but that realisation is so powerful when it finally clicks. I always remember not understanding when older students would talk about how the atar doesn't matter, and never truely believed it until after I got into uni.

I hope this takes some of the stress off for you, and you can take the time to relax and do the things you enjoy. It's the only way to get rid of burn out. If it helps it took me a whole year!

Good luck with your exams!