language analysis introduction question

[Albeno69]

As the topic says its a language analysis introduction question and i just would like to know how i can do an intro because i have a sac coming up Wednesday and my teacher keeps saying my intro is good but the last sentence were i either identify the tone or audience is tacky. She hasn't told me how to change this and isnt really helpful. here is an example of one of my introductions.

The article " making money work for you..." published in the magazine starting out targets young people. The article contends that with little work you can increase your wealth and happiness. The article is written in an enthusiastic tone.On the other hand the editorial "there more to money than happiness" published in a magazine called life issues targets the more mature person. The editorial contend that money and wealth have absolutely no effect on one's happiness, in an informative tone.

please help i want to do well.

[Aqualim]

The article " making money work for you..." published in the magazine starting out targets young people. The article contends that with little work you can increase your wealth and happiness. The article is written in an enthusiastic tone.On the other hand the editorial "there more to money than happiness" published in a magazine called life issues targets the more mature person. The editorial contend that money and wealth have absolutely no effect on one's happiness, in an informative tone.

Ok first of all, I would being with some background information on the topic. e.g. for Indian racism I would have done this;

'The issue of Indian racism has recently come to the forefront of the Australian media after the stabbing murder of university stuendt, Nitin Garg. Victoria's Premier, John Brumby, attempted to downplay the murder, but instead escalated the issue creating unwanted publicity for Australians.'

It probably doens't have to be that big, but its a good foundation.

Then you would introduce your articles. Be sure to not make a new sentence for each element you are supposed to include in the introduction, otherwise it looks like your telling examiners, 'Look I included the tone in the introduction!'. It should flow.

'In response  is an opinion piece by Andrew Bolt, February 12th, 2009, who argues in a frsutrated tone that Australian's only believe they are racist because they are protrayed this was in the media.'

Or something along those lines

[Albeno69]

The article " making money work for you..." published in the magazine starting out targets young people. The article contends that with little work you can increase your wealth and happiness. The article is written in an enthusiastic tone.On the other hand the editorial "there more to money than happiness" published in a magazine called life issues targets the more mature person. The editorial contend that money and wealth have absolutely no effect on one's happiness, in an informative tone.

Ok first of all, I would being with some background information on the topic. e.g. for Indian racism I would have done this;

'The issue of Indian racism has recently come to the forefront of the Australian media after the stabbing murder of university stuendt, Nitin Garg. Victoria's Premier, John Brumby, attempted to downplay the murder, but instead escalated the issue creating unwanted publicity for Australians.'

It probably doens't have to be that big, but its a good foundation.

Then you would introduce your articles. Be sure to not make a new sentence for each element you are supposed to include in the introduction, otherwise it looks like your telling examiners, 'Look I included the tone in the introduction!'. It should flow.

'In response  is an opinion piece by Andrew Bolt, February 12th, 2009, who argues in a frsutrated tone that Australian's only believe they are racist because they are protrayed this was in the media.'

Or something along those lines

yea we wernt given any additional info but yea i would start off like that. thanks that good it just i get fustrated when a teacher points out a weakness and doesnt hep how to improve.

[the.watchman]

Dunno if this helps, but this is my introduction for my (yr 11) language analysis:

The planned construction of a dam in Traveston, Queensland, ignited a storm of controversy until its cancellation in mid-November 2009. Peter Baulch’s letter to the editor (Untitled, 14/10/09) reflects the negative public opinion of this project and contends that the dam’s construction is unnecessary and unintelligent for a variety of reasons. It is aimed at fellow residents in the Traveston area, as well as other country people against the construction of such dams, because it deals with an issue which mostly affects country people and because it addresses the concerns of the town itself. In general, Baulch employs an annoyed and critical tone in order to encourage reader support for the removal of the plans because of the abhorrence they provoke in him as a violation of local citizens’ rights.

Good luck!

[Albeno69]

Dunno if this helps, but this is my introduction for my (yr 11) language analysis:

The planned construction of a dam in Traveston, Queensland, ignited a storm of controversy until its cancellation in mid-November 2009. Peter Baulch’s letter to the editor (Untitled, 14/10/09) reflects the negative public opinion of this project and contends that the dam’s construction is unnecessary and unintelligent for a variety of reasons. It is aimed at fellow residents in the Traveston area, as well as other country people against the construction of such dams, because it deals with an issue which mostly affects country people and because it addresses the concerns of the town itself. In general, Baulch employs an annoyed and critical tone in order to encourage reader support for the removal of the plans because of the abhorrence they provoke in him as a violation of local citizens’ rights.

Good luck!

everything helps and thanks

[Yitzi_K]

Btw, tone doesn't have to be mentioned in the opening paragraph, nor does target audience. Personally I prefer to mention them in my conclusion.

[superflya]

Btw, tone doesn't have to be mentioned in the opening paragraph, nor does target audience. Personally I prefer to mention them in my conclusion.

yea, agreed. u could use the tone as a starter to ur first body paragraph, 'the writer initiates his/her onslaught on blah blah blah in an emphatic and accusatory tone...'

[Albeno69]

Btw, tone doesn't have to be mentioned in the opening paragraph, nor does target audience. Personally I prefer to mention them in my conclusion.

so the tone can go in conclusion instead of introduction?
i always thought it had to go in the intro because you would discuss it in one of your paragraphs about how the tone effects the reader.

[spaciiey]

To be honest, I wouldn't even MENTION tone in the introduction, and mention it instead in only a body paragraph, if I deem it to be relevant. Throughout an article, the tone can change, so how are you s'posed to take that into account into a little sentence in the introduction? It does sound like it has been 'tacked' on to the end of your introduction for the sake of it... I think it's the fact that your sentences are short and abrupt that makes it so obvious.

[moshi]

I used to mention the various tones and contentions of articles in my introduction, although clearly this isn't the only way of going about it

[the.watchman]

I usually have tone and audience in my conclusion, but seeing as my teacher wants it there I transplanted it across

[vea]

Here is my language analysis introduction (year 11 standard) that my teacher also said was pretty good.

  The two opinionative articles "Why My School fails the test" by Jeremy Ludowyke and "My School increases transparency and opens way for debate" by Katharine Murphy in The Age highlight the controversy surrounding the usefulness of the My School website implemented this year. While Ludowyke, the principal of prestigious Melbourne High School argues that the new My School website is nothing but a piece of crock, Murphy, a veteran writer from The Age draws readers’ attention to the advantages that this website may have.

I didn't include anything about tone in here.