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October 14, 2025, 08:41:15 am

Author Topic: Text Response. First attempt. Please rate. I SUCK AT ENGLISH  (Read 1109 times)  Share 

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martindagun

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Text Response. First attempt. Please rate. I SUCK AT ENGLISH
« on: October 24, 2010, 11:29:48 pm »
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So you've done this heaps of times. But no one is in more need of me, because like seriously I just suck at English. Anyway this took me a bit over an hour. So could you please rate it, and tell me where I should improve. Thanks in advance.

Look Both Ways

Prompt:
"You think everyone has an agenda"
Why is it so difficult for the characters in Look Both Ways to accept that things "just happen"?


Sarah Watts award winning film Look Both Ways shows how people in our day and age can not accept that things just happen. The characters find it hard to believe that life is a journey and death is inevitable. And it is we who choose how we face life and death. With the film taking place in a contemporary suburban setting, which helps us relate to the problem at hand. It shows us how different characters choose to be affected by death and fate. And how these random forces of nature, interconnect our lives with the people around us.

Death is a major theme in the film, with the opening scene showing the Arnow Hill accident on the news. It is Andy who finds it the hardest to come to grip with the concept of fate after questioning if Rob’s death was truly an accident or another male suicide, which we find out to be an obsession of Andy’s. “You think everyone has an agenda” is a bold remark, which comes from Anna, when she tells Andy that she is pregnant. Andy who already had previous children asks “Did you do this on purpose”. With this question it is easy to see that Andy can not accept that things just happen for a reason, and believes that life is cheating him. It is not until he attempts to tempt fate by standing on the train tracks, as a train quickly approaches him that he realizes that not everyone has an agenda. And that good things can come his way if he just puts some effort and takes responsibility of his life.

The interconnectedness of people lives is shown when two characters are bought together by Rob’s death. Nick and Meryl are bought close together, by their insecurity of their own lives. Nick has trouble believing that his diagnosis of cancer, was a random act of fate. His photomontages at the start of the film, show that he believes his cancer was not a random force of nature, but was caused because of the places he had visited and the activities he had undertaken prior to his diagnosis of cancer. While Meryl has trouble not thinking about death, as we see her animations at the start of the film all involve her or someone else dying from an obscure event. Her believing fate is shown in her saying “I suppose everyone has to witness something ghastly one day” this view of hers supports her thinking that things just happen, without any justification from another person or event. The final photomontage demonstrates how Nick has come to accept the fact that things just happen, and how he overcomes his cancer and then goes on to stay with Meryl.

The grief that comes along when things just happen are normally to much to deal with, and take a very long to get over. Julia’s husband, Rob “is crushed to death by a slow moving train”. It is hard for Julia to come to terms with what has happened as she could not possibly believe that her husband dying was part of Gods almighty plan. The grief she goes through is made even worse when she sees the front page of The Southern Mail, with her picture on the front, and Andy’s article about male suicide. At this point it would be hard for her to believe it was fate or as Andy suggested “suicide”. But as the train driver comes at the end of the film with his previously detached son. Her saying “It wasn’t your fault”, suggests that she has come to realize that things just happen, and that everything cannot be controlled by our own or someone else’s actions.

As unpredictable as life is, we must accept that things just happen. And that not everyone has an agenda regarding everything happening in their own lives. It is not until we have seen first hand that fate is a large part of our lives, that we realize that the forces of nature and the natural order of things are what make our lives journeys.


682 words

superflya

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Re: Text Response. First attempt. Please rate. I SUCK AT ENGLISH
« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2010, 11:36:00 pm »
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dont start your sentences with 'And' ! the last thing you want to be doing is losing marks for incorrect grammar and spelling.

cant critique as i havnt studied this text.
« Last Edit: October 24, 2010, 11:50:07 pm by superflya »
2010- English, Methods (CAS), Physics, Specialist, Chem.
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kyzoo

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Re: Text Response. First attempt. Please rate. I SUCK AT ENGLISH
« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2010, 10:52:35 am »
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You can't start your sentences with "And"?
2009
~ Methods (Non-CAS) [48 --> 49.4]

2010
~ Spesh [50 --> 51.6]
~ Physics [50 --> 50]
~ Chem [43 --> 46.5]
~ English [46 --> 46.2]
~ UMEP Maths [5.0]

2010 ATAR: 99.90
Aggregate 206.8

NOTE: PLEASE CONTACT ME ON EMAIL - [email protected] if you are looking for a swift reply.

bomb

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Re: Text Response. First attempt. Please rate. I SUCK AT ENGLISH
« Reply #3 on: October 25, 2010, 10:55:36 am »
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You can't start your sentences with "And"?

Better to start with something like "Furthermore".
“Great minds have purposes; little minds have wishes. Little minds are subdued by misfortunes; great minds rise above them.” Washington Irving

2010 Results
ATAR: 96.05

martindagun

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Re: Text Response. First attempt. Please rate. I SUCK AT ENGLISH
« Reply #4 on: October 25, 2010, 11:02:42 am »
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You can't start your sentences with "And"?

Better to start with something like "Furthermore".

Thanks for that, will do that for my next attempt.

So has anyone got a rough idea of a score, I need to know where I'm sitting at.

m@tty

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Re: Text Response. First attempt. Please rate. I SUCK AT ENGLISH
« Reply #5 on: October 25, 2010, 11:09:38 am »
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You can't start your sentences with "And"?

You certainly can, but it is best to avoid it if possible - over using it is very easy. And besides, it sounds a little clumsy in any case. And it shows that you don't have a more eloquent word to use. And overuse is a sign of rambling - your thoughts are all joined and implicitly connected. Where you really should have discrete unique ideas packaged neatly in well-structured sentences, you have a sloppy mess of convoluted ideas. Most times conjunctions don't belong at the beginning of sentences - rather, the previous sentence should've been extended. Well structured sentences are just as important as good paragraphing.

But yeah, you can use 'and' sparingly at the start of sentences.
« Last Edit: October 25, 2010, 11:43:47 am by m@tty »
2009/2010: Mathematical Methods(non-CAS) ; Business Management | English ; Literature - Physics ; Chemistry - Specialist Mathematics ; MUEP Maths

96.85

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2015-____: To infinity and beyond.

claire92

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Re: Text Response. First attempt. Please rate. I SUCK AT ENGLISH
« Reply #6 on: October 25, 2010, 01:45:15 pm »
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Looking at this piece, I think you would find your ideas more compact and organised if you follow a short plan, I found some of this a bit messy and hard to follow.

I think if you try and use more transition words it would allow for greater clarity, and it would overall enhance your writting.

I also found some of your paragraphs to be focused on 'retelling' rather than analysing.

I would give this piece perhaps a 5-6, but with more transitions I think you could grasp a 6.