another context prac essay

[cathtacular]

feedback and a score out of 10 would be greatly appreciated



“The natural world around us helps to shape our destiny”



To whom it may concern,

For a long period of time communities like mine have been disadvantaged and I turn to you for guidance in what I believe to be an overwhelming crisis of ours. I am writing to ask for increased support and education of the diversity in remote areas of Victoria. For a long time many communities have sought understanding of others within their communities, this psychological barrier that has been created between the people in my town, Kaylan in particular needs to be removed for I fear the consequences will be severe for everyone.

I grew up in a small remote town in Victoria. Our town was shared between indigenous Australians and European Australians. The land, in which we all lived on, was Sacred Aboriginal land, which rightfully belonged to the Indigenous Australians. Growing up the residents in our town created an emotional wall between these two cultures which is still in place today. Children, like myself felt different to other children, children whom we were not allowed to play with. As a child I did not understand why I was not allowed to play with some children, I felt like I had been punished but I was not sure what for. My family in particular often shunned many customs and traditions of the Aboriginal inhabitants in our community. My mother used to tell me that the beliefs and customs being displayed by these people was rubbish.  I recall a time where my mother was very angry at a girl, who was about my age who lived almost opposite my house, for a while there was lot of noise coming from a ceremonial type event where this girl was covered in immense body decoration and was dancing. I was always very intrigued by the so called rubbish my mother spoke of . Looking back at situations like these, I feel that it is only due to our lack of understanding of such traditions that we did not respect, nor contribute.

I have since moved to an even more remote area in northern Victoria where I have begun to educate communities on diversity and acceptance. I encourage everyone to participate and stand up with me for equal rights and opportunities. I believe helping what is considered a minority to be my destiny. I strongly believe that this world is ours for all of us to share and we should be able to in a friendly way. I believe I have developed such a strong concern for equal rights and understanding of different cultures from being brought up in a place where I can see first hand the divisions between people due to lack of understanding of each other. It is sad that especially remote communities still have this division, as these are the communities who rely more on each other for support than any other, this is the reason I have dedicated my life to try to bring these communities together.

I ask that you help me in educating these communities and help to demolish this barrier that has been created over many years. If only there were classes and support groups available to help make people aware of the disadvantages they are exposing themselves to then many problems faced by groups in remote areas could easily be avoided.

Thank you.

[costargh]

Firstly,I like the idea.

I think however that its relative shortness has a severe impact on the depth that you have gone into in relation to the prompt.
It just seems a little simplistic and brief.
Like:
Girl doesn't like the memories of being separated from other kids (natural world bit)
Now wants to do something about it (destiny)

I think if you wrote more it would show a better understanding and more thoughtful reflection on the prompt.

I'd give it a 7.

[cathtacular]

thanks for the advice, i also thought it was short. Where or which part do you think needs to be in greater depth?

[costargh]

The entire story. For a story like this I think you'd want to appeal at an emotional level with your reader. I think it needs some sort of event in it that has resulted in your destiny being changed.
Eg.  people who are the victims of rape, who tell their dramatic story who end up campaigning for rights of women etc.

Just a little bit more drama in it. Especially because you want to be grabbing the examiners attention.

Also, I'm not sure how much or little you've referred to the text. Can you tell me what ideas are from your source text and how they have been applied in the imaginative piece?

[cathtacular]

ive just really used jindabyne, with the tradition and cultural thing and frost with the barriers between people

[amyminchin]

I agree with Costa, it's a bit unemotional. Like, I feel I should care but I don't? Also, I read it as, almost, a plea for help, but it was very plea-ish? 
I don't know.

But yeah, more emotional connection. but I see the link to Jindabyne clearly, and I've never seen/studied it, I've just read about it So good work with the links!