Arranged Marriages vs Love Marriages

[pi]

Btw, LOL! Non-curry at curry gatherings, I don't know why, but I feel a sense of Deja-Vu.

I can't imagine why you'd feel that!


haha

[WINGARDIUM]

I'm curious as to why you say Asian men and women in particular, does this pressure not exist with non-Asian people?

Btw, LOL, so I have this deal going with a friend and I think it's pretty smart (and funny at the same time as well), but pretty much, we've agreed that if we're still both single by the time we're 30 and if we haven't really found anyone we're interested in then we'll just get married (it's in writing as well ). I guess that kinda foul-proofs my life then, umm, unless she gets married and I don't then I'm screwed, but ahh, who cares.

Tbh, the social pressure in asian countries to be well educated, married at a certain age and have children is (to my knowledge) almost non existent in other regions. I volunteer at an oldage home and a number of the women there haven't been married/have had no children.I am not suggesting that people in other places don't feel these pressures, I'm sure they do, it's just that to me, in asian cultures these values seem more deeply entrenched.

Haha, I hope it works out for you Paul!

[sam.utute]

I'm glad you're thinking about this now. The sooner you work out where you stand, the better. It will help avoid conflicts in the future.

[nisha]

Tbh, the social pressure in asian countries to be well educated, married at a certain age and have children is (to my knowledge) almost non existent in other regions. I volunteer at an oldage home and a number of the women there haven't been married/have had no children.I am not suggesting that people in other places don't feel these pressures, I'm sure they do, it's just that to me, in asian cultures these values seem more deeply entrenched.

Haha, I hope it works out for you Paul!

You have to remember that this all comes down to personal decision. It would be MY decision to obey my parents if and when i chose to do so. If I didn't, and didn't get married it will be my choice. Yes, there is a stigma for being unmarried and without children. Yes, there is a pressure to conform. But that doesn't mean that everyone does, listen. Yes, our values are entrenched, but could they be so entrenched that it forces us to look at other aspects of our lives and question? Does it force us to look outside tradition and values to see what one really wants? Theres the temptation factor as well.

[paulsterio]

Tbh, the social pressure in asian countries to be well educated, married at a certain age and have children is (to my knowledge) almost non existent in other regions. I volunteer at an oldage home and a number of the women there haven't been married/have had no children.I am not suggesting that people in other places don't feel these pressures, I'm sure they do, it's just that to me, in asian cultures these values seem more deeply entrenched.

Haha, I hope it works out for you Paul!

I really disagree with you on that, I think the social pressure to be well educated actually doesn't stem from the Asian culture itself, but rather, it stems from the (often) hardworking Asian parents who have come to Australia to ensure that their children have the opportunity to do well. They know that education is the way up and hence, they encourage their children to study hard.

You'll see that this sort of pressure is nowhere near as strong in Asian countries - there isn't such a strong push to be educated or married. The issue is that many Asians (especially first generation) won't feel so integrated into Australian culture, they see education as a way of getting their heads up in society, they see getting married as bringing stability in an unfamiliar land and they'll see having children as continuing the family.

If you go to Asian countries (I have), you'll see that the mentality there is very different, there isn't anywhere near the pressure there is in Australia, I would say that Asian people, when they are where they are comfortable with the culture, are actually less uptight than even white parents. Where my parents were from, it was absolutely fine to roam the streets at any hour, to have pretty much unlimited freedom at a young age and to make most life decisions by oneself - rarely do you see any parents let their kids do that in Australia.

[aes_999]

^Really really interesting thread.

Just my thought on all this. I think that Thush's problems is deeply rooted in the fact that he's such a good guy.
So in one corner he's the obedient son who listens to his parents, yet yearn for that independence to be free of parents at the same time.

I guess I don't really have a suggestion for you, except one - follow what your heart feels bro!

Not to criticise, but from what I've seen in forums, your parents do belong in that extreme section of curry parents who demand that their son be all achieving - your mom, at least. They seem to push you hard all the way up to now, and that bubble can seriously burst. Not saying that I know you, but you could have a breakdown with your parents over their seemingly impossible goals that they set.

Better to firm up and speak out about your thoughts. Consequences will probably be hard on you for a short while if you do, but you'll probably be much happier that you've spoken out your opinions.

[Mr Keshy]

I really disagree with you on that, I think the social pressure to be well educated actually doesn't stem from the Asian culture itself, but rather, it stems from the (often) hardworking Asian parents who have come to Australia to ensure that their children have the opportunity to do well. They know that education is the way up and hence, they encourage their children to study hard.

You'll see that this sort of pressure is nowhere near as strong in Asian countries - there isn't such a strong push to be educated or married. The issue is that many Asians (especially first generation) won't feel so integrated into Australian culture, they see education as a way of getting their heads up in society, they see getting married as bringing stability in an unfamiliar land and they'll see having children as continuing the family.

If you go to Asian countries (I have), you'll see that the mentality there is very different, there isn't anywhere near the pressure there is in Australia, I would say that Asian people, when they are where they are comfortable with the culture, are actually less uptight than even white parents. Where my parents were from, it was absolutely fine to roam the streets at any hour, to have pretty much unlimited freedom at a young age and to make most life decisions by oneself - rarely do you see any parents let their kids do that in Australia.

Minus india that is!

Man, it's ridiculous over there, tuition at 10 years of age! What country are you from Paul?

[WINGARDIUM]

I really disagree with you on that, I think the social pressure to be well educated actually doesn't stem from the Asian culture itself, but rather, it stems from the (often) hardworking Asian parents who have come to Australia to ensure that their children have the opportunity to do well. They know that education is the way up and hence, they encourage their children to study hard.

You'll see that this sort of pressure is nowhere near as strong in Asian countries - there isn't such a strong push to be educated or married. The issue is that many Asians (especially first generation) won't feel so integrated into Australian culture, they see education as a way of getting their heads up in society, they see getting married as bringing stability in an unfamiliar land and they'll see having children as continuing the family.

If you go to Asian countries (I have), you'll see that the mentality there is very different, there isn't anywhere near the pressure there is in Australia, I would say that Asian people, when they are where they are comfortable with the culture, are actually less uptight than even white parents. Where my parents were from, it was absolutely fine to roam the streets at any hour, to have pretty much unlimited freedom at a young age and to make most life decisions by oneself - rarely do you see any parents let their kids do that in Australia.

I agree with what you say about Asian parents in Australia, that is without a doubt true. As to "Asian" values, I can only speak for India and there education and marriage is still of utmost importance - it is also somewhat tied in with the family's honour etc. I would actually go as far to say that these values are more prominent there than here.

You have to remember that this all comes down to personal decision. It would be MY decision to obey my parents if and when i chose to do so. If I didn't, and didn't get married it will be my choice. Yes, there is a stigma for being unmarried and without children. Yes, there is a pressure to conform. But that doesn't mean that everyone does, listen. Yes, our values are entrenched, but could they be so entrenched that it forces us to look at other aspects of our lives and question? Does it force us to look outside tradition and values to see what one really wants? Theres the temptation factor as well.

I agree, as I mentioned earlier personally I want live my life on my own terms with my parents blessings and support, but I can see the advantages that an arranged marriage proposes.

[Mr Keshy]

I agree with what you say about Asian parents in Australia, that is without a doubt true. As to "Asian" values, I can only speak for India and there education and marriage is still of utmost importance - it is also somewhat tied in with the family's honour etc. I would actually go as far to say that these values are more prominent there than here.

I agree, as I mentioned earlier personally I want live my life on my own terms with my parents blessings and support, but I can see the advantages that an arranged marriage proposes.

Yeah, a lot of Indian families came here so that their kids could avoid that obsession with education. Certainly glad I'm not part of it. All my cousins there do is study

[curry_bro]

Yeah, a lot of Indian families came here so that their kids could avoid that obsession with education. Certainly glad I'm not part of it. All my cousins there do is study

+2000

im so glad i live here... because when i do study, i study to understand, not to memorise (like my cousins have to in India).

[paulsterio]

I agree with what you say about Asian parents in Australia, that is without a doubt true. As to "Asian" values, I can only speak for India and there education and marriage is still of utmost importance - it is also somewhat tied in with the family's honour etc. I would actually go as far to say that these values are more prominent there than here.

Yes, I understand.

I think this is particularly relevant. A friend of mine once asked me why Asian people are so smart, I was actually really interested in this as well, so I did quite a fair bit of reading and research. My answer to his question was actually quite a simple one "sample space" - when you look at Asian people in Australia (or in the USA...etc.) you have to recognise that you are looking at a very specific subset of all Asians.

Many Asians in Australia have come here through "skilled migration" - of course there are other avenues, my parents were refugees, for example. However, most Asian parents are still skilled migrants. People who are able to get into Australia through skilled migration are generally well educated and of at least a middle-class background. This is not representative of all Asians in general. Do you think a poor labourer in Asia is able to migrate to Australia through skilled migration? It's obviously not very likely. Do you think a drug addict in Asia will be able to migrate to Australia? Again, not likely.

Most skilled migrants are probably university educated, are of good character and come from supportive and strong families. So essentially, the Asians who end up on Australian shores are actually very privileged ones.

Hence, the Asians which you see here in Australia are actually a very specific subset of all Asians, namely those who are quite smart, those who work hard and those who have taken an opportunity to further their own future and the future of their children. So of course their kids, on average, are going to be above average. On top of that, you have the added "Asians in Australia" values which I was talking about before.

So when you generalise about Asians in general, you have to consider that "Asians in Australia" are actually not indicative, at all, of the general population of Asians. I would go so far to say that if you take a truly average Asian person and by that I mean an average person from the sample space of all the Asian people in the world, you will see that they're probably about the same as an average white person (for example). Of course, there's no research to back up this claim, but it's something which makes sense.

[thushan]

Damnit everyone left, that was one fine discussion though!

[bluehorizon]

Considering the relatively loose definition t-bag wrote, i think arranged marriages are acceptable here. its not always easy to find a 'love marriage' and so if love is part of the arranged marriage and if it is not forced - i.e. it is an introduction and intro only by parents - i think it is ok. Moreover, you said that sometimes the relationship is 'nurtured' by the parents, which has potential for both harm and good.

On the other hand, i thought arranged marriages were ones where the parents forced the children into a marriage disregarding their opinion. And i'm against that ype of marriage.

[HighLatency]

Damnit everyone left, that was one fine discussion though!

The amount of control your parents have over your relationships was too bleak to handle, it was like 10x worse than watching ads of starving children.

-weeps-

[Mr Keshy]

Damnit everyone left, that was one fine discussion though!

It definitely was, although I think many peoples opinions were suppressed to avoid offending one another.