English Standard Essay Marking

[jamonwindeyer]

please have a look through my essay thanks

Oh, and you haven't been forgotten Katherine!! Elyse has already started marking your essay, but I think she's having some tech issues, you'll have feedback very soon! 

Hi this is my essay for Module A. Can you please read over it for me? I don't have any concerns in particular. Thanks heaps!

And I'll get to your essay in the morning Hannah! 

[elysepopplewell]

please have a look through my essay thanks

Hi Katherine! Sorry, I intended to have this done last night but as Jamon said, I was having tech issues!

Here is your essay in the spoiler, with my comments in bold font:

Spoiler

The Next War
In the poem, “The Next War”, Owen usually for the first time you introduce a composer, use their first and last name, and then their surname from there on in reveals his personal familiarity with death brought on by 1917 Great War, where he expresses his discontent with the extreme and unnecessary suffering and deaths of innocent youths and thus questions the meaning of war. Owen composes this poem in Spenserian sonnet form to ironically direct attention toward the overly familiar relation between soldiers and “death”. If this is for an exam, you'll be required to write an introduction. But if this is for a specific task that doesn't require one, then of course you won't need one. At the moment the introduction does not stand alone. There is an introductory sentence and then it rolls into the analysis of form. On that note, it is awesome that you're analysing form, because not enough people do it at all! So that's really important. I'll write at the end about writing an introduction. Due to witnessing countless, horrifying deaths, the soldiers have become psychologically damaged and desensitised toward death. Owen conveys this by personifying “death” as their friend in “we walked, quite friendly up to death” to suggest that it is a frequent and inevitable presence looming over the war. Death is further personified through the olfactory imagery in “green thick odour of his breath” which alludes to the gas attack, depicted in “Dulce et Decorum Est”, where death crowds the vicinity of soldiers as they are able to sense its noxious presence. The sinister presence of death on battlefield is further portrayed through the accumulation of verbs such as “spat” and “shaved” which deepens reader’s imagination of its cruel and vicious nature. You've got amazing analysis here!In the second stanza, however, Owen utilises volta where the persona proclaims “Oh, death was never an enemy of ours!” in a sarcastic tone, to induce a tacit acceptance of the fact that in such futile circumstances soldiers were never enlisted to fight against death. Through sarcastic tone in “we laughed knowing better men would come,/ and greater wars”, Owen reveals the loss of humanity by accepting the reality of further violence and stresses likelihood of deaths beyond the 1917 Great War. As a result, the soldiers become accustomed to death as their “old chum” great embedded quote! to show their acceptance of the absurd situation as they realise that they must befriend with death in order to psychologically cope with the inevitability of death. Therefore, Owen presents that the soldiers has embraced the necessity of death in “The Next War” and questions his his involvement in the war as there will be next war and countless soldiers will replace him and his comrades. You're analysis here is awesome. You link to the text, the technique and the effect without consistently relating to the same structure of quote-technique-effect. You change it up, which is a skill that is SO valuable in your work! This is a long paragraph, when written in handwriting I think it has the potential to be a page long. You definitely could split this into: recognising the devastation of war, and then questioning the war. Or another split of that kind, if you want to. The benefit of splitting it up is that you provide yourself an extra opportunity at the start and end of the new split paragraphs to re-establish your direction as an essay composer, and march onwards with a great response!
Futility
The poem, “Futility” questions religious faith and purpose of life by focusing on the microcosmic tragedy of prematurely aged young man who fails to be resurrected, which was based on his experience of witnessing his comrade freezing to death. Owen adopts an elegiac tone Yess, elegiac tone! Awesome!in the poem to express his despair and hopelessness at the wasteful loss of young, able-bodied men. The poem begins with feverish actions conveyed through an imperative tone, “move him into the sun”, which demonstrates the comrades’ eager hope that the “sun”, representing the power of God, will rouse a deceased comrade back to life. Although, the “kind old sun” has “awoken him once”, it is rendered powerless as the corpse cannot be roused again even though it is “still warm”, thus causing soldiers to question their optimistic faith in God. Owen demonstrates this through the use of oxymoron of “fatuous sunbeam” which mocks the existence of the sun as the harbinger of life and diminishes its importance in the creation of life. The warmth of the “sun” starkly juxtaposed with coldness of the “snow” connoting the finality of death and decay, which turns hope into despair. The use of pararhyme such as “sun-sown” and “star-stir” breaks the natural rhythm of the poem, which reflects the war’s disruption to cycle of life and also expresses Owen’s frustration over his vain attempt at resurrection. Towards the end of poem, Owen’s rhetorical question, “to break earth’s sleep at all?”, alludes to the Biblical creation myth depicted in Genesis, which provokes deep thought in relation to the purpose of godly act of creation if soldiers are deliberately sent to their deaths at war. Amazing analysis!Therefore, the poem, “Futility”, reiterates Owen’s uttered disillusionment at the fact that God has turned away from the soldiers and any hope of resurrection appears futile, thus conveying the worthless process of creation as everything is ultimately destructed by war.

Your analysis is incredible! You've taken even the most complex sections of the poem and given them an awesome analysis. You don't at all lose sight of your essay direction. I mean, you're not just topping and tailing each paragraph with a take on the question, you're also tackling the thesis at the end of each new argument in the work. That's an incredible feature of your work! Each year in Standard and Advanced, markers say that you can't just top and tail your work. You're not! You're going beyond that. Awesome!

As for an introduction, I'm assuming this is for an exam where you will need one. Try a structure like this:
Sentence One: Introduce the ideas of the text - make this your thesis. Usually the best thesis statements don't involve the actual title of the text in them, but it depends on the module. So for you, you'd be talking about the idea of questioning in times of turmoil.
Sentence Two: Introduce the text. Provide the title, year, author, and a tiny bit of context if you like. Use the author's first and surname here. Then surname only from there onwards.
Sentence Three: Talk about your ideas in the text, so you're amplifying the thesis. Talk about questioning of war and questioning of God. You can make this two sentences if you like

Then you start your paragraph 1 with a topic sentence of its own - so you highlight that your first paragraph will discuss questioning of war. Say it in a kind of conceptual way, don't just talk about the text. Talk about the idea in the text. Then use the rest of the paragraph to be a testament to your idea!

You've done an awesome, awesome, awesome job here! You should be stoked

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi this is my essay for Module A. Can you please read over it for me? I don't have any concerns in particular. Thanks heaps!

Hey Hannah! Sure can, feedback is throughout in bold 

Spoiler

Discuss how the distinctively visual conveys distinctive experiences in The Shoe-Horn Sonata and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

Distinctive experiences affect us in several manners that may alter our perception of history through the confronting nature of memories. Use high modality language in your Thesis: Remove the "may," be sure of your own points! War acts as a catalyst for producing horrors that create history. The men and women who experienced the atrocities of war resulted with significant long term ordeals. You could blend those two sentences together for better flow. John Misto’s provocative play “The Shoehorn Sonata” and Wilfred Owen’s confronting poem “Dulce et Decorum est” exhibit the horrors of war through the distinctively visual. Fantastic. Misto and Owen use an array of techniques that assist in the portrayal of the thematic concerns of human vulnerability, the atrocities of war and writing history. These qualities of the distinctively visual allow the audience to be drawn into the experience of the characters and those who suffered the tribulations of war. Both texts explore the veracity of memories where we, as the audience, alter our own perception of the. Missing word here? The composers successfully convey the brutalities of war in order to confront the audience with the realities that war creates.  Awesome introduction! No comments, works extremely well 

Human vulnerability is conveyed through the distinctively visual where one’s subjective view on their experiences creates history. War depletes an individual’s ability to overcome adversity due to the destruction of an individual’s vitality. Great introduction. Miso decided to write the play “The Shoehorn Sonata” as a tribute to female Prisoners of War, and so further allow for society to understand the true horrors behind World War II. Try to be as succinct as possible. For example, the first part of this sentence could just be: "Miso wrote the play..." At the beginning of scene 1, the audience is confronted with an image of Bridie re-enacting the kowtow; a tribute to the emperor of Japan. So this is one of the 'retell' sentences I alluded to in your previous feedback, no technique, just telling us what happened. Unnecessary, you can remove it. The stage directions ‘Bridie stands in a spotlight. She bows stiffly from the waist, and remains in this position’ allow the viewers to distinctively visualise how the composer wishes it to be performed. This demonstrates the severe discipline expected by the Japanese and thereby accentuates the susceptibility their prisoners were compelled into. What does it show us about human vulnerability in the general sense though? This is an important thing to mention. Owen’s “Dulce et Decorum est” also displays how strength and zest are stripped from those who suffer the consequences of war. This is mirrored in the simile ‘Bent double, like old beggars under sacks’ which reveals the visual representation of soldiers as ragged, spent men. During the period of World War II, beggars were highly frowned upon. Connotations are created by the use of ‘beggar’s that exhort feelings of sympathy, producing sadness and vulnerability. Both texts explore the effects of war and how its victims were found to be vulnerable and as a consequence entirely corrupted after the experiences they were forced to endure. Great paragraph!! But make sure your conclusion makes a link back to your introduction, and preferably, also the distinctively visual 

Courage, wisdom and bravado are nothing in the face of the overwhelming horror that war creates. Those who went to war suffered major atrocities which affected them both physically and psychologically. Misto uses photographic images throughout his play to demonstrate the true conditions of war. The stage directions in scene 5 ‘women in Japanese camps lining up for food, sleeping in barracks, carrying water’ allow the audience to visualise the projected images in action, enabling us to empathise with the women. These photographs also demonstrate the filthy environment the women were held captive in during their imprisonment; highlighting their pain and anguish. The roaring diagetic sounds of machine gun fire and the cries of women enhance this experience as it creates sorrowful images of Japanese officers punishing innocent women; portraying the tortures they endured. Great analysis, exploring different ways the image is created. What effect does this have on the responder? What happens to our view of war? This is also reflected in “Dulce et Decorum est” where the poet exposes the audience to the terrors of war through his choice of language. Be more specific here: We know he chooses language, what sort of language? Is it lots of imagery? Owen’s use of repetition and exclamation marks in the first line of the second stanza ‘Gas! Gas! Quick boys!’ creates alarm and emphasis on those particular words. Remove "on those particular words," a bit unnecessary.' Owen specifically uses grammatical features to highlight the vicious aspects of war, therefore confronting the audience with the truth of the past. The distinctively visual, in both texts, effectively conveys the distressing experiences of the war participants lives. Better conclusion this time! Though I'm getting less of the audience impact in this paragraph, try and link these images with the effects they have on the responder.

History itself is utterly reliant not only on the events that compose it, but more significantly on those who participated in these events. The memory of those participants’ remains to be the only liable evidence we can we can obtain about the events themselves. Maybe add something about how composers bring these memories to life through the distinctively visual? Looking for a tie to the module aims. “The Shoehorn Sonata” explores the memories of Sheila and Bridie and how they were a part of war history. Misto used music both as a motif and a pivotal technique to express how it assisted the women in escaping the barbaric nature of war. Talk about your texts in the PRESENT TENSE, after all, this is your current interpretation! Soundtracks from the period of their captivity are used to convey the flavour of the time, creating an authentic sense of history, also reflecting the emotion of the characters. Great! At the beginning of scene 3, the soundtrack of “Something to Remember You By” produces a melancholy mood that supports the context/story of the play. The audience become immersed within the history of the play as Misto presents the authentic music and the women to support the truth of war and its histories. Owen also demonstrates the brutal history of war through his point of view. Again, the latter half of that sentence feels a little redundant. Emotive language is used to express the sadness and disgust of war in order to portray the true history of what occurred during that particular time frame. Example? Owen articulates his memories in ‘As under a green sea, I saw him drowning’, presenting the confronting imagery of thick green gas. Through the use of first person and past tense, the effect of the phrase is enhanced as the reader envisages the events from their own perspective, therefore, visibly understanding the history of WW1. History is the main element of both texts that enables the audience to deeply apprehend the memories of war survivors. Good paragraph!

The experiences of war veterans are depicted in various textual forms through the distinctively visual. Misto and Owen explored the effects that war creates and that one’s subjective view on war entirely constructs our knowledge of history. Both texts demonstrate themes of human vulnerability, the horrors of war and the history it made. The composers use images to reinforce the key concerns of the text and to convey a sense of reality for the audience. The distinctively visual reminds the audience that although the play is fiction, it is based on real historical events. The audience is engrossed within the story of the composers due to the qualities of the distinctively visual.  Thereby, under the effect of all these factors, the distinctively visual allows for “The Shoehorn Sonata” and “Dulce et Decorum est” to produce images within the mind of their audience in regards to specific events, experiences and themes. Great conclusion! I think you could make it a little more succinct, there is a bit of repetition of very similar ideas, but it works well!

Great essay Hannah!! Fantastic conceptually driven structure, which I love, it shows that you are considering the texts as a communication mechanism for ideas by the composer. Fantastic analysis, good set of techniques with the effect explained well. Great introduction and conclusion with clear links to the Module guidelines. Overall, really really fantastic!!

I'd have a few small comments to push it even further skyward. First, more frequent involvement of the audience. You do reference the audience regularly, but you could do it more, be sure to regularly consider the impacts of the images being created on the responder!

Second, some more obvious module links in the introduction. Try to mention the use of distinctively visual images in one of the first two sentences of your body paragraph, just to sustain the idea of the Module.

Third, be sure every technique you mention has a textual reference attached (if applicable). Just looking for a little bit more quote inclusion.

And finally, expression. Your expression is great and easy to understand, but there are places where there are redundant phrases inserted. Now this is a 1000 word essay, not too long for a Module essay, but if you make your expression a little tighter you'll either have room for more analysis, or, have more time for your other essays in the exam 

One way to do this is to integrate the quotes you want to use into what you want to say. Best to look at an example, consider these sentences:

Owen’s “Dulce et Decorum est” also displays how strength and zest are stripped from those who suffer the consequences of war. This is mirrored in the simile ‘Bent double, like old beggars under sacks’ which reveals the visual representation of soldiers as ragged, spent men.

I can make this more succinct by actually using the quote to say what I want to say:

Owen's "Dulce et Decorum est" displays how strength and zest are stripped from those who suffer the consequences of war, mirrored in powerful similes which develop a distinctive image for the audience, as they visualise soldiers "Bent double, like old beggars under sacks."

Now this sentence is a similar length, but in the same space I included a link to the module and the audience. Notice that the sentence just 'flows' a little better, because you aren't interrupting to introduce the quote. This is something you can try if you feel up to it, it's tough, but it is very powerful 

Great work Hannah!! A fantastic response 

[dtinaa]

Hi, this is my essay for Module A Distinctive Voices, could you please read it and let me know what I need to improve on? The prescribed text is Komninos Zervos' poems and the related text I chose was Kevin Rudd's Sorry Speech. The question I answered was:
“Distinctive voices are intended to have an impact on the responder.”
What impact have the voices had on you in TWO poems set for study and at least ONE other related text of your own choosing?

Could you please let me know if the related text I have chosen is appropriate and if I have analysed well enough? Also, this module really confused me so I wasn't entirely sure how to structure it, do you have any tips on how to structure essays for this particular module?

Thanks in advance,
Tina

[katherine123]

Hi Katherine! Sorry, I intended to have this done last night but as Jamon said, I was having tech issues!

Here is your essay in the spoiler, with my comments in bold font:

Spoiler

The Next War
In the poem, “The Next War”, Owen usually for the first time you introduce a composer, use their first and last name, and then their surname from there on in reveals his personal familiarity with death brought on by 1917 Great War, where he expresses his discontent with the extreme and unnecessary suffering and deaths of innocent youths and thus questions the meaning of war. Owen composes this poem in Spenserian sonnet form to ironically direct attention toward the overly familiar relation between soldiers and “death”. If this is for an exam, you'll be required to write an introduction. But if this is for a specific task that doesn't require one, then of course you won't need one. At the moment the introduction does not stand alone. There is an introductory sentence and then it rolls into the analysis of form. On that note, it is awesome that you're analysing form, because not enough people do it at all! So that's really important. I'll write at the end about writing an introduction. Due to witnessing countless, horrifying deaths, the soldiers have become psychologically damaged and desensitised toward death. Owen conveys this by personifying “death” as their friend in “we walked, quite friendly up to death” to suggest that it is a frequent and inevitable presence looming over the war. Death is further personified through the olfactory imagery in “green thick odour of his breath” which alludes to the gas attack, depicted in “Dulce et Decorum Est”, where death crowds the vicinity of soldiers as they are able to sense its noxious presence. The sinister presence of death on battlefield is further portrayed through the accumulation of verbs such as “spat” and “shaved” which deepens reader’s imagination of its cruel and vicious nature. You've got amazing analysis here!In the second stanza, however, Owen utilises volta where the persona proclaims “Oh, death was never an enemy of ours!” in a sarcastic tone, to induce a tacit acceptance of the fact that in such futile circumstances soldiers were never enlisted to fight against death. Through sarcastic tone in “we laughed knowing better men would come,/ and greater wars”, Owen reveals the loss of humanity by accepting the reality of further violence and stresses likelihood of deaths beyond the 1917 Great War. As a result, the soldiers become accustomed to death as their “old chum” great embedded quote! to show their acceptance of the absurd situation as they realise that they must befriend with death in order to psychologically cope with the inevitability of death. Therefore, Owen presents that the soldiers has embraced the necessity of death in “The Next War” and questions his his involvement in the war as there will be next war and countless soldiers will replace him and his comrades. You're analysis here is awesome. You link to the text, the technique and the effect without consistently relating to the same structure of quote-technique-effect. You change it up, which is a skill that is SO valuable in your work! This is a long paragraph, when written in handwriting I think it has the potential to be a page long. You definitely could split this into: recognising the devastation of war, and then questioning the war. Or another split of that kind, if you want to. The benefit of splitting it up is that you provide yourself an extra opportunity at the start and end of the new split paragraphs to re-establish your direction as an essay composer, and march onwards with a great response!
Futility
The poem, “Futility” questions religious faith and purpose of life by focusing on the microcosmic tragedy of prematurely aged young man who fails to be resurrected, which was based on his experience of witnessing his comrade freezing to death. Owen adopts an elegiac tone Yess, elegiac tone! Awesome!in the poem to express his despair and hopelessness at the wasteful loss of young, able-bodied men. The poem begins with feverish actions conveyed through an imperative tone, “move him into the sun”, which demonstrates the comrades’ eager hope that the “sun”, representing the power of God, will rouse a deceased comrade back to life. Although, the “kind old sun” has “awoken him once”, it is rendered powerless as the corpse cannot be roused again even though it is “still warm”, thus causing soldiers to question their optimistic faith in God. Owen demonstrates this through the use of oxymoron of “fatuous sunbeam” which mocks the existence of the sun as the harbinger of life and diminishes its importance in the creation of life. The warmth of the “sun” starkly juxtaposed with coldness of the “snow” connoting the finality of death and decay, which turns hope into despair. The use of pararhyme such as “sun-sown” and “star-stir” breaks the natural rhythm of the poem, which reflects the war’s disruption to cycle of life and also expresses Owen’s frustration over his vain attempt at resurrection. Towards the end of poem, Owen’s rhetorical question, “to break earth’s sleep at all?”, alludes to the Biblical creation myth depicted in Genesis, which provokes deep thought in relation to the purpose of godly act of creation if soldiers are deliberately sent to their deaths at war. Amazing analysis!Therefore, the poem, “Futility”, reiterates Owen’s uttered disillusionment at the fact that God has turned away from the soldiers and any hope of resurrection appears futile, thus conveying the worthless process of creation as everything is ultimately destructed by war.

Your analysis is incredible! You've taken even the most complex sections of the poem and given them an awesome analysis. You don't at all lose sight of your essay direction. I mean, you're not just topping and tailing each paragraph with a take on the question, you're also tackling the thesis at the end of each new argument in the work. That's an incredible feature of your work! Each year in Standard and Advanced, markers say that you can't just top and tail your work. You're not! You're going beyond that. Awesome!

As for an introduction, I'm assuming this is for an exam where you will need one. Try a structure like this:
Sentence One: Introduce the ideas of the text - make this your thesis. Usually the best thesis statements don't involve the actual title of the text in them, but it depends on the module. So for you, you'd be talking about the idea of questioning in times of turmoil.
Sentence Two: Introduce the text. Provide the title, year, author, and a tiny bit of context if you like. Use the author's first and surname here. Then surname only from there onwards.
Sentence Three: Talk about your ideas in the text, so you're amplifying the thesis. Talk about questioning of war and questioning of God. You can make this two sentences if you like

Then you start your paragraph 1 with a topic sentence of its own - so you highlight that your first paragraph will discuss questioning of war. Say it in a kind of conceptual way, don't just talk about the text. Talk about the idea in the text. Then use the rest of the paragraph to be a testament to your idea!

You've done an awesome, awesome, awesome job here! You should be stoked

there are 6 poems in total for module C and is it okay if i do 2 poems for 1 essay with 2 body paragraphs?  Will they ever ask to include at least 3 poems in the essay?

[RuiAce]

there are 6 poems in total for module C and is it okay if i do 2 poems for 1 essay with 2 body paragraphs?  Will they ever ask to include at least 3 poems in the essay?

I do have one thing to input here.

Yes - They can ask for three. However at least four is something I've never heard of

[jamonwindeyer]

I do have one thing to input here.

Yes - They can ask for three. However at least four is something I've never heard of

I agree, specifying that many would be a bit harsh 

[katherine123]

My friend said I don't need to mention what the each individual texts is about in the intro for module C since it's the close study of texts (by the same composer and all poems exhibit similar ideas) and instead mention the overall common ideas conveyed in all poems.
So for eg. my intro:
question: How does Wilfred Owen’s poetry portray interesting ideas about loss?
Wilfred Owen states “my subject of war and the pity of war” to convey the brutal destruction of soldiers’ mental spirits and their unnecessary deaths, bringing intense grief at the homefront which challenges the illusion of glorious facade of war created by bureaucratic government. Owen uses his poems to highlight the soldier’s familiarity and inevitability of death which encompasses the futility and poignancy of war. It is through the unorthodox use of poetic structure, form and techniques, Owen portrays ideas about the loss of hope, religious faith and innocent lives to highlight the horrific reality of war and question the purpose of war.

[jamonwindeyer]

My friend said I don't need to mention what the each individual texts is about in the intro for module C since it's the close study of texts (by the same composer and all poems exhibit similar ideas) and instead mention the overall common ideas conveyed in all poems.
So for eg. my intro:
question: How does Wilfred Owen’s poetry portray interesting ideas about loss?
Wilfred Owen states “my subject of war and the pity of war” to convey the brutal destruction of soldiers’ mental spirits and their unnecessary deaths, bringing intense grief at the homefront which challenges the illusion of glorious facade of war created by bureaucratic government. Owen uses his poems to highlight the soldier’s familiarity and inevitability of death which encompasses the futility and poignancy of war. It is through the unorthodox use of poetic structure, form and techniques, Owen portrays ideas about the loss of hope, religious faith and innocent lives to highlight the horrific reality of war and question the purpose of war.

I would agree with that, definitely!  however, I would recommend that the first sentence of your introduction for the module be conceptual, some over-arching statement about a concept or (from the syllabus), the interaction of ideas, forms and language.

[katherine123]

Can you have a look through my intro? Is the context that ive included enough?

How does Wilfred Owen’s poetry portray interesting ideas about loss?
Intro: Wilfred Owen, who served on the battle of attrition on the Somme, states “pity of war” to convey the brutal destruction of soldiers’ mental spirits and their unnecessary deaths, bringing intense grief at the homefront which challenges the glorious facade of war created by bureaucratic government. It is through the unorthodox use of a variety of poetic forms such as Spenserian sonnet and pararhyme, and techniques such as personification and sarcasm in his poems, Owen portrays ideas about the loss of hope, religious faith and innocent lives. Owen’s poetry is distinct because it conveys his bitter criticism of the idealistic appeals to patriotism and elucidates the diagnosed shell-shock which describes the psychological turmoil of war.

[amandali]

can you have a look through my essay thanks

[amandali]

Successful composers use distinctively visual elements to create a particular point of view. To what extent does this statement reflect your response to Wilfred Owen’s poetry?
For questions like this, do i just include words like clearly, effectively, successfully, in the body paragraph instead of repeating "to a great extent"

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi, this is my essay for Module A Distinctive Voices, could you please read it and let me know what I need to improve on? The prescribed text is Komninos Zervos' poems and the related text I chose was Kevin Rudd's Sorry Speech. The question I answered was:
“Distinctive voices are intended to have an impact on the responder.”
What impact have the voices had on you in TWO poems set for study and at least ONE other related text of your own choosing?

Could you please let me know if the related text I have chosen is appropriate and if I have analysed well enough? Also, this module really confused me so I wasn't entirely sure how to structure it, do you have any tips on how to structure essays for this particular module?

Thanks in advance,
Tina

Spoiler

Distinctive voices have the ability to impact the responder in many ways. A simple Thesis, I think you could do something a little more interesting with it, WHY can they do this (for example)? Think about ways you can make this a little more interesting. It can influence the responder to reflect upon their preconceived notions and as a result stimulate the renewal and alteration of the responder’s initial perspectives toward a particular matter. Good! In Komninos Zervos’ poems, “noura from narooma” and “thomastown talk” and Kevin Rudd’s National Apology speech, these composers use language to create distinctive voices in their texts for those who have been made voiceless in the face of oppression. I think the idea of distinctive voices of the oppressed would be an AMAZING idea for a Thesis to start the essay! Consequently, this affects the interpretation of the text and shapes meaning for the responder. More than affects, it "controls" it! Make the voices the absolute focus!

Distinctive voices have the ability to bring challenging experiences to life, allowing the responder to develop sympathy for the speaker. Excellent start. Distinctive voices are created through language and structure in texts which will compel the responder to understand more about the world around them. Careful not to bring in a new concept; focus on bringing challenging experiences to life, the links to curiosity here don't follow that focus. This is evident in Komninos Zervos’ poem ‘Noura from Narooma’ whereby a voice is given to a victim suffering from domestic violence in order to be free from her husband’s manipulative power. Through using the voice of a woman, Zervos reveals the difficulties of being the minority in Australia. The repetition of “maybe if i had said something...” throughout the poem creates a reflective voice which makes apparent to the responder that the speaker regrets not speaking up for herself when she had many opportunities to do so. Good analysis, but what does it reveal in general? The use of an ellipsis fades her thought and her voice into silence to depict how her husband has silenced her within the community. However, she decides to stay silent in order to keep her family together. Retell. This is apparent in the rhetorical questions, “me, leave my children? what sort of mother would I be?” Retell. The use of rhetorical questions creates a distressed and confused voice as the speaker is faced with a moral dilemma. Through this voice, the responder develops sympathy for her but also applaud her resilience as they are exposed to the cruel nature of abuse. Good links to audience, however (this is important), I don't really care about the characters as much as I care about what I am taught about the nature of challenging experiences, through techniques! This module explores how this is achieved, be sure to stress the techniques not what happens! This is further conveyed through the assonance of the word “shock” in “It was a shock, such a shock” which creates a jump in the sentence, influencing the responder to feel the same shock as the speaker. Hence, the responder does not only develop sympathy but also empathy through engaging with the distinctive voice and learning the negative impact of domestic violence on individuals. Thus through learning this, the responder will understand more about the world which will evoke the renewal of their perceptions. Again, this conclusion doesn't match your last sentence, there is a conceptual issue in this paragraph, you lose focus somewhere!

Distinctive voices are projected by a speaker to provoke emotions that may influence the responder. Simple but effective! Through the use of language, distinctive voices are created to reveal the speaker’s purpose as they manipulate the responder to evoke an emotive response. Doesn't add much to the introduction, be sure the amplification doesn't just say the same thing in a different way! This is evident in, Kevin Rudd’s ‘National Apology Speech’ in which Kevin Rudd gains a voice by apologising to the Aboriginal people. Through the use of descriptive language in “The pain, suffering and hurt of these stolen generations”, it adds emphasis to the apology as the responder feels the emotions attached to these words. What emotions? Be specific, but good audience link. Consequently, the responder develops sympathy for the aboriginal people through being exposed to the injustices that they experienced in the past. Excellent, what does this exemplify about how composers create a distinctive voice? Through the use of formal and emotive language in “the sheer brutality of the act of physically separating a mother from her children” it creates a political voice which causes the responder to feel extreme discomfort as they empathise with the Aboriginal people through imagining the pain of being separated from their child due to the Stolen Generation. As the speaker pauses whilst repeating “We apologise for,” creates a sincere voice. A tad retell here. The use of repetition reinforces how sincerely sorry Australians are for past mistreatment and assists Kevin Rudd to successfully convey his message. Hence, through empathising with the Aboriginal people the responder understands the pain and mistreatment that they experienced which influence the responder to alter their perspective towards the white people as well as the Aboriginal people. Great audience links and techniques here; I'm looking for some more general ramifications, how does this exemplify the idea of impacts on responder through distinctive voices?

A distinctive voice has the power and control to manipulate the responder by influencing their perceptions. This is very similar to the prior paragraph, you may want to think of a way to make them more distinct? Through the use of language in texts, distinctive voices of the minority and those misjudged by society are projected to evoke strong responses from the responder. Excellent. This is evident in Komninos Zervos’ poem, ‘thomastown talk’ where Komninos gives a voice to victims suffering from police brutality. Don't waste time saying "it happens," show me examples immediately! Through the use of colloquial language and the implied derogatory contraction, ‘copsmate’, it manipulates the rhythm and pace of the poem creating a stereotypical voice of an Australian individual. Through this voice, the speaker’s negative view towards the police is portrayed to the responder. What are these views? This is further emphasised in the idiom, “they’re not straight mate”, which suggests that the police are corrupt and involved in criminal behaviour. However, the speaker has lost their voice due to their lack of education and low socioeconomic status which is denoted in the informal language used. It is apparent that the voice of the speaker is kept silent throughout the poem as highlighted in the rhetorical question, “report it?” The critical tone of the speaker conveys that they believe reporting the abuse will lead to more trouble as no one would believe their voice over the police’s. Ensure that you don't get too locked into taking within the text, step back a little bit and talk purely about the composers choices. The details of the plot of the text aren't relevant! The silenced voice influences the responder to connect with the speaker. Through this, the responder is encouraged to empathise with the speaker as they gain a deeper understanding of police corruption. “He jumped they’ll say mate” emphasises how police brutality has not yet been exposed to society as corruption seems to be only recognised by those who are impacted by such experiences. Hence, the responder develops anger and sympathy for the speaker which prompts the responder to alter their initial perceptions of the police as they are manipulated through the distinctive voice of victims who feel powerless in the face of police abuse. Thus, through extending their understanding of police corruption, the responder reflects on their awareness of the world and renew their preconceived beliefs of police and discover their true role in society.

Ultimately, it is apparent that through Komninos Zervos’ and Kevin Rudd’s use of language and structure in their texts they create distinctive voices that compel the responder to reflect upon their preconceived values and beliefs which in turn provoke the renewal or alteration of initial perspectives. Your conclusion definitely needs more than one sentence. Normally, I would restate my Thesis, re-link to the module, re-introduce the texts, re-introduce the themes, then put in a sentence like this to finish. 3-5 sentences is where to aim! 

Great essay dtinaa! Have a read of my comments and let me know if you have any questions, I'll address your specific feedback requests below 

I can't really comment on the suitability of your ORT, it definitely seems like a good choice on the surface! It seems like you have a good amount of examples from it, though I do think your essay is a close to being too Prescribed Text focused; so you might want a few more 

Your analysis is, on the whole, effective!! You do miss different things at different times, remember effective analysis involves a nice crumpet and a bit of TEA:

Technique: What technique does the composer use in the quote?
Explain: What is the composer trying to say? Why is the technique used? For you, how does the technique create a distinctive voice? Ensuring you keep the focus on distinctive voices would be beneficial for you.
Audience: What is the impact on the audience? This is in your question, so absolutely essential, and crucially, I need general audience impacts. The audience learning about the characters/text is okay, but that isn't super relevant beyond the text. You want universal relevance, how do the distinctive voices impact the audience in a real way beyond the text itself, what do they learn in general?

You hit all these marks at different times! Your job now is to hit them all at once. Sometimes you miss the audience impact (either completely or its too text specific), sometimes you slip into retell, sometimes you don't link to the question: You can do it all, but now you need to do it all the time 

Structuring essays in Module B is definitely the toughest of the three! Here is an idea for you: This essay is about the impacts on the audience (due to distinctive voices). If you could summarise the things you learned from your prescribed text, in 3 (different) sentences, what would they be? I'm not talking text related stuff, I mean actual lessons about things that are actually relevant in real life, like, "Challenging experiences can be overcome through determination," or something. I'll help you turn this into some paragraph ideas, because if the block response (each text one at a time) isn't quite clicking with you, we can turn it into an integrated response.

Quick final comment, ensure your essay matches your Thesis. You talk about voices for the voiceless, this doesn't resonant the whole way through 

[jamonwindeyer]

Can you have a look through my intro? Is the context that ive included enough?

How does Wilfred Owen’s poetry portray interesting ideas about loss?
Intro: Wilfred Owen, who served on the battle of attrition on the Somme, states “pity of war” to convey the brutal destruction of soldiers’ mental spirits and their unnecessary deaths, bringing intense grief at the homefront which challenges the glorious facade of war created by bureaucratic government. It is through the unorthodox use of a variety of poetic forms such as Spenserian sonnet and pararhyme, and techniques such as personification and sarcasm in his poems, Owen portrays ideas about the loss of hope, religious faith and innocent lives. Owen’s poetry is distinct because it conveys his bitter criticism of the idealistic appeals to patriotism and elucidates the diagnosed shell-shock which describes the psychological turmoil of war.

I would say context is definitely there to the appropriate level! Context is not an important aspect of Standard English, unless the question demanded it specifically?

The main piece of feedback I would have is a more conceptual first sentence, it establishes a sophisticated tone of analysis for the rest of the essay! For example, a Thesis might be: "It is human nature to lie, cheat, and steal." This is a concept, an idea that will permeate through your essay and set up how you analyse your text. Based on your intro, I reckon yours will have something to do with the psychological turmoil of war.

An intro should have:

- Thesis
- Amplification (Extra Detail)
- Introduce Texts
- List Ideas for Paragraphs
- Summarise

 

[jamonwindeyer]

Successful composers use distinctively visual elements to create a particular point of view. To what extent does this statement reflect your response to Wilfred Owen’s poetry?
For questions like this, do i just include words like clearly, effectively, successfully, in the body paragraph instead of repeating "to a great extent"

Exactly!  definitely don't want to just keep saying that over and over, clever use of adverbs is perfect