Arranged Marriages vs Love Marriages

[curry_bro]

T-bag, you are honest to a fault, my friend
I couldn't dislike you if I tried.

fault? what was his fault? just curious, cause i dont really understand

Mirin every curry on the forum being here.

It's a fair read to go through everything, but honestly I think they're  horrendous, people need to go through and make their decisions, make their own mistakes, and reap the rewards if their decision is correct.

Doesn't matter if Arranged marriages have a higher success rate, or even if you end up loving that person, something that is such a huge life decision should be yours and no one elses.

+1 very true. maybe we should end the discussion here?

[Planck's constant]

fault? what was his fault? just curious, cause i dont really understand
+1 very true. maybe we should end the discussion here?

Figure of speech.
T-bag gets EVERYTHING off his chest
More than most people would.

[curry_bro]

Figure of speech.
T-bag gets EVERYTHING off his chest
More than most people would.

right... sorry... -.- well im failing language analysis next year

[charmanderp]

Mirin every curry on the forum being here.

It's a fair read to go through everything, but honestly I think they're  horrendous, people need to go through and make their decisions, make their own mistakes, and reap the rewards if their decision is correct.

Doesn't matter if Arranged marriages have a higher success rate, or even if you end up loving that person, something that is such a huge life decision should be yours and no one elses.

As much as I'm inclined to agree, if not for arranged marriages I wouldn't have been born. From where I stand the best marriages are those like with my parents', where the decision was totally theirs (each of my folks said no to heaps of 'suitors') but they were just 'guided' by their families.

[Truck]

LOL nah I trust them. They're not really controlling me as such, they're just looking out for me if anything.

Have you ever considered that while they have your best interests at heart, they might still be leading you astray or in the wrong direction. They want the best for you, but they're not infallible - if you really like the girl, and you've gone to the trouble of finding a girl who is also Sinhalese, then surely they'd be able to adapt eventually given that she IS from the same culture.

[taiga]

As much as I'm inclined to agree, if not for arranged marriages I wouldn't have been born. From where I stand the best marriages are those like with my parents', where the decision was totally theirs (each of my folks said no to heaps of 'suitors') but they were just 'guided' by their families.

Don't get me wrong, I'm from the same family situation myself and everything is tops. Whilst most proponents of arranged marriages will argue that there are/have/and will be loving families as a result of it, the fundamental issue is that in most situations it's at the expense of a person having the ability of going out and finding someone themselves if they wished to do so.

As you can see Thushan is a great example of it. My parents would probably prefer to 'guide' me, but my taste in girls tends to agree with their expectations anyway so I'm a bit lucky in that respect.

[thushan]

Don't get me wrong, I'm from the same family situation myself and everything is tops. Whilst most proponents of arranged marriages will argue that there are/have/and will be loving families as a result of it, the fundamental issue is that in most situations it's at the expense of a person having the ability of going out and finding someone themselves if they wished to do so.

As you can see Thushan is a great example of it. My parents would probably prefer to 'guide' me, but my taste in girls tends to agree with their expectations anyway so I'm a bit lucky in that respect.

Haha actually Taiga, my parents wouldn't mind me finding someone by myself, so long as I run it past them before I do anything so they can do their relevant investigations into the girl's family background. Better that than my parents realising she's not the right person for me and making me break up. I'm sticking to arranged marriage pathway simply because I don't want to hurt anyone else again.

Have you ever considered that while they have your best interests at heart, they might still be leading you astray or in the wrong direction. They want the best for you, but they're not infallible - if you really like the girl, and you've gone to the trouble of finding a girl who is also Sinhalese, then surely they'd be able to adapt eventually given that she IS from the same culture.

Haha, I guess so. But they're less likely to lead me astray than I am myself. What do I look for? Someone with whom I can toss complex ideas with, someone who's affectionate, someone who's caring/loving etc, someone who's family oriented especially (my mum was VERY family oriented!), someone who's reasonable and I can have a partnership with in making us better people in general, and most importantly, someone who is genuine. Now, I tend to see the best in people, and I tend to trust easily, so I am easily manipulated and exploited. This is where my parents come in - they are naturally suspicious people. Mum especially - she thinks the whole world is out to get her. In this case it could be an asset, because she will pick up things that I don't think about.

My parents think about things that I don't dream of. Say, family background (aunties and cousins included). That's really really important to them. You might be thinking - that's ridiculous! But as lozmatron said, your family background by and large determines your values. Also, in Lankan culture, when two people get together, it's not just them, its their entire families. And this gets awry when both people's parents come from families of 8-10 kids. That's one big family. It only takes a few serious family problems in their family to entangle you.

They also look at the girl's education - to be honest, I don't particularly agree with the way my mum goes about it. She judges people based on "scores of 40 or above" - she'd say things like "this girl did not get a single subject over 40," which is quite disheartening and quite frankly prejudicial. I would argue - "what school did she go to?" "what are the family circumstances?" "what kind of resources does she have access too etc etc." The other problem is that in Lankan society people tend to lie about their kids' scores, so my mum thinks that getting 40 is not that hard. Anyhow, while she has good intentions - she wants me to be with someone with whom I can toss complex ideas and someone I can rely on to think - her judgement calls I would say are often erroneous.

The other problem with this kind of thing is that in Lankan society, reputation is EVERYTHING. It doesn't matter how you keep it, so long as you maintain a good image. It's not about what you do wrong, it's about what people say you do wrong. So not only should we not do wrong things (duh!) we should not put ourselves in a position where people can spread rumours about you. It only takes one rumour, true or false, to completely destroy your reputation. For instance, it would be a risky move hanging with a female friend at the city, particularly if she is curry. It only takes one Lankan person to recognise you, then all the aunties are talking. There goes your rep. It would also be a risky move for any male to come to my house when my mum is home alone - for instance if a professional car mechanic were to come fix my mum's car - I have to be home as well, not because my mum is that kind of person (SHE ISN'T!) but because it only takes one person to see "woman and man who is not her husband in the garage" - that person, particularly if he is jealous, simply need start a rumour that my mum is having an affair with said mechanic, and there goes my mum's reputation and by extension mine.

[Mr Keshy]

Haha actually Taiga, my parents wouldn't mind me finding someone by myself, so long as I run it past them before I do anything so they can do their relevant investigations into the girl's family background. Better that than my parents realising she's not the right person for me and making me break up. I'm sticking to arranged marriage pathway simply because I don't want to hurt anyone else again.

Haha, I guess so. But they're less likely to lead me astray than I am myself. What do I look for? Someone with whom I can toss complex ideas with, someone who's affectionate, someone who's caring/loving etc, someone who's family oriented especially (my mum was VERY family oriented!), someone who's reasonable and I can have a partnership with in making us better people in general, and most importantly, someone who is genuine. Now, I tend to see the best in people, and I tend to trust easily, so I am easily manipulated and exploited. This is where my parents come in - they are naturally suspicious people. Mum especially - she thinks the whole world is out to get her. In this case it could be an asset, because she will pick up things that I don't think about.

My parents think about things that I don't dream of. Say, family background (aunties and cousins included). That's really really important to them. You might be thinking - that's ridiculous! But as lozmatron said, your family background by and large determines your values. Also, in Lankan culture, when two people get together, it's not just them, its their entire families. And this gets awry when both people's parents come from families of 8-10 kids. That's one big family. It only takes a few serious family problems in their family to entangle you.

They also look at the girl's education - to be honest, I don't particularly agree with the way my mum goes about it. She judges people based on "scores of 40 or above" - she'd say things like "this girl did not get a single subject over 40," which is quite disheartening and quite frankly prejudicial. I would argue - "what school did she go to?" "what are the family circumstances?" "what kind of resources does she have access too etc etc." The other problem is that in Lankan society people tend to lie about their kids' scores, so my mum thinks that getting 40 is not that hard. Anyhow, while she has good intentions - she wants me to be with someone with whom I can toss complex ideas and someone I can rely on to think - her judgement calls I would say are often erroneous.

The other problem with this kind of thing is that in Lankan society, reputation is EVERYTHING. It doesn't matter how you keep it, so long as you maintain a good image. It's not about what you do wrong, it's about what people say you do wrong. So not only should we not do wrong things (duh!) we should not put ourselves in a position where people can spread rumours about you. It only takes one rumour, true or false, to completely destroy your reputation. For instance, it would be a risky move hanging with a female friend at the city, particularly if she is curry. It only takes one Lankan person to recognise you, then all the aunties are talking. There goes your rep. It would also be a risky move for any male to come to my house when my mum is home alone - for instance if a professional car mechanic were to come fix my mum's car - I have to be home as well, not because my mum is that kind of person (SHE ISN'T!) but because it only takes one person to see "woman and man who is not her husband in the garage" - that person, particularly if he is jealous, simply need start a rumour that my mum is having an affair with said mechanic, and there goes my mum's reputation and by extension mine.

Very true. Stupid part of my culture too unfortunately. But my parents have explicitly said that they don't care about reputation. Our close families have a great understanding of each other so it doesn't really become a problem, but I know plenty of others that do.

I know what you mean by your mum saying 40 isn't that hard. All my cousins who have finished VCE (3) have gotten above 90 I believe, so I think they have some slight impression that it's not as hard as they once thought.

I once joked around about those rumour things, you know how curry parents always brag about scores and stuff, I told my dad that he might not be able to brag about an above 90 score and he said that it was no one else's business but ours so..

If you were to have an arranged marriage, would the girl be from here or the motherland?

[thushan]

Almost definitely here. I can't speak Sinhala. Or understand it.

[brenden]

Look guys, I didn't read much of the thread (a few pages or so) and it's really disheartening to see that Bollywood has been lying to me. It seems a lot of you are happy with arranged marriages, but here is how Bollywood showed me about Curry relationships:
>Perfect daughter is not happy with life even though everything is great
>Parents see this
>Parents introduce to suitor
>There is a massive dance at the place they are introduced
>At the end of the dance, the suitor and girl are very tired and end up talking as they walk around a gorgeous garden. The suitor offends the girl in some way
>Girl storms off
>Girl meets boy from 'wrong side of tracks' but is still a great human being.
>Girl falls in love quickly
>They hide it for a while
>Parents find out. Parents investigate. Parents disapprove. Fight ensues.
>Girl says "I love him!" while the parents and rest of curry extended family are in the living room and everybody is looking like they need to gossip badly
>Random dance again
>Girl marries against will, the family finds out that the original suitor is a total wanker and discover the new husband is actually pure of heart and they now approve.
>MASSIVE happiness dance


...is this not how it happens in real life?

[pi]

^That's an incredibly accurate summary of Bollywood movies haha!


Judging from this thread, it seems many would be unwilling to take that ">Girl marries against will, the family finds out that the original suitor is a total wanker and discover the new husband is actually pure of heart and they now approve." step. Personally, I would (not that my parents would try and arrange my marriage anyway).

[Truck]

so I am easily manipulated and exploited

Is this what they tell you to convince you that you need them or something? Bad break-ups happen to just about everyone, as do bad relationships, and I don't buy that your somehow more liable to be abused then any number of random people out there.

The reputation aspect is pretty difficult to traverse as well, but at the crux of the issue, I think it's more important to be able to live with yourself and be able to say you've made the best decision for yourself, rather then simply living a life trying to make others see you better. There are jealous people out there who will be jealous of your achievements no matter what you do and thus will probably try and find dirt on you to make themselves feel better. The whole concept of not living your life the way you want to in order to try and protect your reputation in the eyes of people who don't have to actually LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE seems to me to be the wrong way around. The onus should be on them to accept you for who you are, mistakes and achievements, and if they don't then how much are they really worth having in your life?

[paulsterio]

I think we need to remember that most of us are around 18, plus or minus one or two years. I don't get the whole mentality of finding "the right girl", cause the truth is, it's a pretty low probability that a girl we get with (at this age) will be the one we end up marrying. In fact, I would argue that you're more likely to marry some random girl you meet in the future than a girl you're getting with now, it's the truth, very few teenage relationships last that long.

I know that if I were to like someone and get into a relationship, I would be thinking semi-long-term, yes, but probably not to the extent of marriage, I would be more inclined to say, OK let's see how this goes first and we'll work it out when we're at the stage where we want to get married (if we ever reach that stage). The benefits of approaching it this way (as I see it) is that you don't have to be so picky and selective, if you like someone for who they are, you should get with them, their family, what your parents think of them, their VCE scores...etc. perceptions of all of those things can change over time. Work it out when you're actually near that bridge.

I know that some parents might disapprove of a particular girl/guy only to sorta get to know them and not mind them so much. Also, things such as VCE scores will probably not matter in a few years time anyways, at that stage, other things such as her profession...etc. will dictate more heavily - things that actually matter.

So my view and take on things is to go for whoever you like now, and work things out as you go. You don't have to treat every potential girlfriend as a potential wife. Instead of going into it thinking that you'll marry her and end up with her for life, think of it as "well I like her, she likes me, so why not, we can work things out as we go".

My advice for you, Thush, is to not worry about what your parents think of girls you want to get with. Like I wouldn't go up to my parents and be like "oh hey, i like XYZ, you know, do you approve of her?" - because 1) my parents don't know anything about her, how are they to make an objective judgement on her. 2) i'd be severely limiting my chances with anyone if I did that.

I would just honestly get with her if I liked her, and once we've been going out for a while, I'll introduce her to my parents, I'll tell them about what we've been through over the past year (or whatever time), why I like her and why I think they should get to know her and like her too. Have her over for dinner, go out together and most importantly, let your parents get to know the girl, because the things they hear, the things they think and the prejudices they have may not be true. They might change their mind after they've spent time with her and gotten to know her a bit. That's my little bit of advice anyways!

[thushan]

Hehe. Hence the reason why I'm going to wait until I'm in my mid-20s.

But the idea is that if I date someone, my parents don't like her, I have to desist. That'd really hurt her. Not doing that to anyone ever again.

[Mr Keshy]

Hehe. Hence the reason why I'm going to wait until I'm in my mid-20s.

Good idea