Well, here goes!
First want to say that your language usage is truly beautiful throughout, you've hit that balance between sounding like a grade 2 vocab and sounding like you're trying to cram in 'big words' where they don't fit. I FULL-ON LOVE IT! Also, you seem to have a real feel for poetry - your analysis of the rhythm, metaphors and 'feel' behind the words is at times utterly impressive. Excellent. In these areas, your essay is just so band-six!
But hope you cope with someone slamming you throughout, I'm the sort that just always sees the holes! Let me know if this doesn't make sense, I'm not the most brilliant at clear logical feedback
The landscape can have a powerful impact on individuals moving them both physically and spiritually. As an environmentalist and social activist, Judith Wright believed poets should be concerned with national and social problems. Her evocative connections with the landscape reflect in her poetry, forcing revaluation of humanity’s relationship with nature. Through the dramatic use of language forms and features, Wright establishes the necessity of
restabilising the human condition to evoke an opportunity for reconciliation what exactly do you mean by 'restabilise the human condition'? I'm not a fan of vague but impressive-sounding sentences; always, before you write a sentence, think 'exactly what does this mean, in plain basic English?' +, 'evoke opportunity'=not quite the right word.
Use a linking wordTim Winton’s ‘Aquifer’ uses a metaphysical journey through the blurring of landscapes to awaken consciousness and encourage self-reflection. It is through the development of language techniques that both texts critique the importance of maintaining a transcendent connection with nature as a trigger for enlightenment.
Can’t say much on the intro lol, seems really great to me. I’d just strengthen the links/contrast between the two texts.Connections with the landscape can encourage reflection and revaluation of past injustices. Flame Tree in a Quarry explores the tenuous technological impact of man on nature that can create tension, highlighting the fragility of nature. The title creates a visual image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape ‘the Quarry’ triggering a metaphor
how do you ‘trigger’ a metaphor? Wrong word. Rephrase: The title’s vivid image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape, ‘the Quarry’, metaphorically highlights nature’s fecundity following great destruction. Tip: turning a technique (e.g. metaphor) into an adverb, like ‘metaphorically [highlights/reveals/stresses/depicts]’ can make your writing smoother and nicer to read. If you refer directly to too many techniques, and your paragraph becomes a constant repetition of ‘the author uses this technique “here” which shows…’, it gets a bit choppy, repetitious and boring. ‘Hiding’ your techniques a bit in adverbs helps with flow and interest. about the powerful forces of nature and its fecundity following great destruction.
The poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land how do you reconcile with harshness? Cool idea, but could be expressed a bit more clearly.,
stemming from her interests in environmentalism and social issues. Through the emotive description of the ‘dead’ landscape, Wright implies a body/soul connection with nature. Wright uses alliteration to personify the Quarry as a ‘broken bone’ that has been ‘stripped’, the vitriolic tone condemning the destruction of nature.
Avoid stating that someone uses a technique, e.g. alliteration, without explaining why they use that, the impact, how it contributes to the overall messages, how it contributes to your paragraph’s argument. Putting in a technique for the sake of it can look like you’re just trying to impress the examiner with your metalanguage – but unless you analyse that technique, you might as well not even mention it! The whole point is the analysis. So as a rule of thumb, never mention a technique or quote without then going on to analyse exactly the impact of it. Stemming from her own interests in environmentalism and indigenous land rights, the poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land and those in it I highlighted it red to show that you’ve already said this whole sentence before – there are a couple of problems with that: a) repetition is just a bit irritating/annoying; b) it sounds like you don’t have anything else to say, so you just repeat to pad out a paragraph; and c) it takes away a sense of development or building in the paragraph. Try to avoid repeating ideas, and if you do repeat, at least come up with a different way of structuring/phrasing the idea.. Wright uses the simile ‘like a wrecked skull’ to reveal the impact of man’s destruction of nature
Here’s where you could take it to a higher level – like, I get that of course that simile reveals the impact of man’s destruction! BUT, I want you to explain it to me. Think of me like a 5-year-old kid – I want you to fill in every possible gap, step me through it like I’m not all there. Explain exactly what the simile does – how does the ‘wrecked skull’ make me feel? What is it about the choice of those particular words that really highlights man’s destruction of nature? I mean, what you’ve got is good, but ANYONE could write that, and you don’t want to be just ‘anyone’. You want to stand out by filling in the gaps and explaining exactly how the technique causes that overall effect. The alliterative active imagery ‘bush of blood’ that non-literally ‘leaps out’ represents the forces of natural renewal and regrowth, becoming a symbol of injury but also healing and the potential for renewal. The poem highlights recoiling of nature because of man’s interruptions. The personification of the Quarry ‘out of the torn earth’s mouth’ signals the pain felt for the environmental destruction.
Again, here’s an opportunity to break out of the ‘the author uses this technique “here” which shows…’ structure, for some variety and to break up the check-listy feeling. Instead of ‘the personification of’, a noun technique, try a verb: ‘Personifying the Quarry as…’ or ‘By personifying the Quarry as…’ You’re still including a technique, but a bit more subtly and ‘nicely’. As the poet empathises, she forces the reader to reconnect and reflect on the fragility of nature’s potential.
I highlighted two sentences blue, because I couldn’t quite see how they fitted into the rest of the paragraph. You’re discussing throughout how Wright really highlights man’s destruction of nature, and the fragility of nature – and then at a couple of random places you mention how Wright shows the land’s regrowth/fruitfulness, which actually contradicts the rest of what you’re saying a bit. What you’ve said is GOOD and insightful, but it doesn’t fit in. It fits more in the next para, actually.The developing relationship
what do you mean here? Whose developing relationship? Remember I’m a dumb idiot and don’t get what you’re sayin’ unless you explain carefully! with the landscape can trigger concerns about the environment and man’s impact on this. Wright creates beautiful Australian symbolism transforming her land into an emotionally accepted background. In employing biblical imagery, Wright demonstrates how nature’s voice is ‘made flesh’ though ‘the singer dies’ referencing the wrecked landscape that forms the body through which the voice of the metaphoric flame tree comes. The poet uses Christian imagery ’the world’s delight/the world’s desire’ to draw on the parable of Christ’s birth as a visual representation on earth as an invisible God, the repeated words of praise becoming a religious experience.
Draw further how this impacts the audience and makes them feel about the landscape, or what it presents about the landscape. Through the synaesthesia of ’I drink/ my sight’, Wright highlights transcendence,
devouring visually in a religious experience unclear – sounds like you have a really great idea/feel there, but it just hasn’t translated very clearly onto paper of nature and its power to transform individuals. Wright predicts the free reign given to miners resulting in violent destruction of the land.
So, how does this link with the sentences around it? The use of the female voice of nature ‘filled with fire’ metaphorically connotes
good! ‘metaphorically connotes’ = brilliant the spiritual potential rebirth of nature. The cyclic imagery of the ‘fountain of hot joy’ becomes a metaphor to reveal the escaping blood from damaged vessels, enabling a clean reawakening of nature after great technological damages
Me no understand. What has escaping blood from damaged vessels got to do with reawakening/rebirth? You need to step me through it, explaining exactly how the metaphor conveys that message!. The oxymoronic paradox of ‘life/death’ attempts reconciliation with nature to encapsulate the fertility of the land, as life comes from death. Wright implies that nature has power and it is up to man how he chooses to harness it.
The landscape can be a barrier for physical and emotional development, having a regenerative power to evoke reverence.
I can’t 100% see what the first half of that sentence has to do with the last half – it feels like two totally different ideas crammed together, while the paragraph should have one single focus or purpose. Epiphanic visions of the poem and the neoromantic overtones of dualism ’consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to reflect on man’s insignificance in the overwhelming beauty of nature.
Boy oh boy, do you write nicely. Love it bruh. Through visions and dreams, the poet is able to experience the wonder of the landscape, transcending into the impressive imaginative realm. The external forces of nature conflates with the internal forces of the ‘train’, becoming a vehicle for the persona’s metaphysical journey. The poem
which poem, btw? label exactly what you’re talking about begins with a position of entrapment as the poet is ‘Glassed with cold’, the immediate divorcement from nature becoming a springboard for the metaphysical ‘journey’. Wright uses kinaesthetic, auditory and visual imagery ‘confused/ dazzled/hammering’ to create a semi-synesthetic effect by blending the senses as the poet awakens. The conflation of tactile imagery raises inner consciousness. First person ‘I’ reiterates the disengagement from nature through a subjective voice. Much of the lyrical intensity of the verse derives from the immediate local reference of setting.
Three short chop-chop sentences; all of them could do with a bit more explanation, and linking together. The controlled rhythm form mimics the ‘hammering’ rhythm of the train, creating an unusual formal stiffness against the metaphoric and passionate subject. The half-rhyme ‘air/star’ connects all aspects of nature to create a holistic vision of spiralled growth
This was what I meant by not naming techniques for the sake of naming techniques; sure, it’s a half-rhyme, but if you can’t draw any message out of that, then DON’T mention it.. Through this, Wright reinforces the meditative powers of nature and its ability to transform the human condition.
I’m a bit concerned that you’re just taking a poem and chronologically analysing its language/techniques, without thinking all the time about the THEMES and messages, the bigger picture.Nature can inspire creativity, its life force mirrored by the composers craft in the power of creation. In encapsulating haunting images of the landscape, the poet utilises a gothic trope for revaluation of self and society within the fragility of place. The ‘dry breast’ of the landscape is metaphorically connected to the persona’s ‘heart’, alluding to the lack of nourishment to acknowledge the fragile ‘country that built my heart’. Through descriptive language of the ‘uncoloured slope’, Wright affirms the crepuscular moonlight draining the colour from the landscape, only to be filled through the poetry. Nature is represented as a violent force and Wright is unsentimental. The image of the phallic ‘ironbark’ tree penetrating the ‘virgin rock’ is unabashed in its sexual reference.
Sure, but what does that do? Your aim is to never leave the reader wondering, why did you just say that piece of evidence? With EVERY SINGLE THING you put in, explain why you included it, and what it shows about your overall paragraph idea or contention. Wright’s strength of voice mirrors the call on nature to use its violence for survival in the harsh landscape. The paradox ‘unloving come to life’ becomes a connection of the elemental and impersonal forces of nature that enable the tree to give birth to itself. Wrights invocations is emulated in the rhyming couplet ‘dew/you’ as she admires nature’s strength in Australia’s harsh and unyielding landscape. The persona ‘woke’ to ‘flowers more lovely than the white moon’, the simile representing awe of her new insight into nature that is able to sustain and survive on this barren landscape.
Time to zoom out now; you’ve now got to tie together all of the techniques you’ve mentioned, and draw out the overall, broader messageTim Winton’s intense connections with the Western Australian landscape creates stories with an evocative representation of people and places that are quintessentially Australian.
OK. You really need to change something here. Firstly, you’ve put your related text in a separate paragraph rather than integrating them, but secondly you haven’t even used linking words! The essay is like You seriously seriously seriously NEED to link the two texts, and compare how they present people and landscapes – you’ve got to dig into how they use different techniques to present different messages and directly contrast them. Your mark will be severely limited if you just stick two separate short essays together like this. His short story, Aquifer, blurs landscape to critique the past and present melding the future. The title symbolises the Australian landscape as being only superficially dry, the integration of the dead creates more to the landscape, both human and physical, than evident on the surface.
<-- run-on sentence Using a retrospective tone, the story signals the moving in of the landscape as the persona ‘travels away in loops and ellipses away from the middle age’ to the suburb of his childhood, Angelus. The symbolic use of the name foreshadows a rebirth for the persona as the pieces of his childhood are put back into place. Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’, Winton immediately positions the reader to engage with the persona
again, need you to explain; how does that imagery actually position the reader to engage? In your head, I’m sure you’ve thought through the ways that that imagery works; but IF YOU DON’T PUT IT DOWN ON PAPER, you leave a gap and start to sound like you’re jumping to tenuous, unsupportable conclusions! Think of it like the working marks in maths – often, even if you get totally the right answer and did it all the right way, if you don’t write it out, you won’t even get half marks. The duality of the persona and reader embarking on the metaphysical journey becomes a springboard for reflection on how childhood landscapes shape adulthood.
Through manipulating figurative language, Winton provokes feelings and thoughts on people and landscapes.
Steer clear of broad vague fluffy sentences like this, anyone could say them and they don’t provide any new insights. Try ‘Winston’s figurative language…’ and dive straight into the specific themes/messages, rather than vaguely referencing the entire topic. Utilising the post-colonial lens, Winton furthers the lack of connections and displacement between the settlers and the landscape as they attempt to ‘plant buffalo grass’. The recurring motif of ‘blood and bone’ strengthens Winton’s concerns to bring forth the unconscious connections with the landscape. The active imagery of the settlers ‘running havoc’ forces revaluation of notions of imperialism and the desire to control the landscape. Winton evocatively conveys through kinaesthetic imagery how the children ‘slipped together, no straight lines’, the ordered lines of the suburbia juxtaposed with the ’twisted logs’ alluding to the life force of the landscape as an embedding force of danger and transformation. Winton’s final image of ‘the past is in us not behind us’ highlights the injustices wrought on the landscape and its inhabitants. Like Judith, Winton encourages his reader to be in awe of the power of nature as a renewing force.
Yay. Finally, for the first time in the whole essay, you’re comparing them. But one sentence isn’t enough!!! Give me more!
Try interweaving the two texts throughout your paragraphs, rather than having the related text in a separate paragraph. This is really really important. You want to be directly showing the contrasts and similarities between their techniques, forms and messages.QuotesYou could practice integrating quotes more smoothly. You quite often do this: ‘… blah blah technique QUOTE…’, i.e. just dumping the quote immediately after the technique without weaving it into the grammar of your sentence.
e.g. ‘Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’,…’
‘…the neoromantic overtones of dualism ‘consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to…’
If you read it out loud, you’ll see that the quote just doesn’t fit in there.
At the very least, you need commas: ‘opening with tactile imagery, ‘stirred’,…’ but even that is a bit of a dodge or ‘fake’ way of getting the quote to fit in the sentence. Try ‘Opening with tactile imagery IN THE WORD ‘stirred’…’, or rearrange the sentence completely.
Next: you want to avoid becoming a list of techniques. Techniques are really important, but if you just start listing them off, dedicating 1-2 sentences to each, it can really get in the way of paragraph development. You can end up with a fragmented checklist of ‘this does this, this does this, and this does this’, and forget to zoom out to the overall message of your paragraph. Often, your list of techniques don’t build off each other, because either they just repeat exactly the same point, or they have quite different points that don’t work together very well. Don’t see techniques as the end-point, but as the MEANS to the end – they’re your fodder which you use to demonstrate your overall message, firstly of your paragraph and then of your whole essay.
You also want to avoid chronologically analysing the techniques in a poem - feel free to jump round within and between poems, picking out only the stuff that's 100% relevant to your overall point.
Technique ----> effect ----> overall idea of paragraph ---> overall idea of essay.
A minor expression concern that I’ve touched on a few times throughout: your repeating structure, ‘the author uses this technique ‘here’ to show…’. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, but if you repeat it countless times in a row, it gets a bit boring, choppy and like a checklist. To increase flow and communicate your ideas better, try these tips:
- Sometimes turn the techniques (nouns, e.g metaphor, personification) into either adverbs or verbs.
The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to present... ==> The author metaphorically presents…
The author personifies X as Y…’ ==> ‘Personifying X as Y, the author…
- Start some sentences with ‘verb-ing’, or ‘by verb-ing’. (You’re already doing this, but there are some places you could do it more.)
The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to highlight… [message] ==> Highlighting [message], the author uses the metaphor ‘X’.[/i]
The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to highlight… ==> By using the metaphor ‘X’, the author highlights…
- Break it into two sentences, and start the second sentence with ‘This’. Hence, instead of overtly labelling the technique in the first sentence (‘the author uses X technique’), you kinda sneak in the technique name in the second sentence – really helps flow.
The author uses a metaphor when she says ‘X’… ==> The author says ‘X’ and does ‘Y’. This metaphor reveals…
Want your essay marked too? Remember to make an ATAR Notes account here!