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Author Topic: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)  (Read 732929 times)

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jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #480 on: July 31, 2016, 10:01:25 pm »
Hi!
I was wondering if I could get feedback on my Module C essay?
Thank You!

How do composers use form and language to explore the ways political ideologies impact on individual lives and broader society?
Refer to TWO poems you have studied.


Hey there!! You sure can, your essay is in the spoiler below with comments in bold  ;)

Spoiler
The skilful utilisation of literary devices and structure enables composers to represent the overarching impact of dominant political doctrines on the personal and societal aspects of life. Excellent Thesis. W. H. Auden’s ballad, O What is that Sound which so thrills the Ear (1932), conveys the impeding nature of political ideologies on a community and intimate relationships. Whilst, Auden’s tripartite poem, Spain (1937) reveals that competing ideologies are the cause of war and thus, repression of individualism and the destruction of a civilisation. In both compositions, contradictory diplomatic policies eventuate to the fear of persecution and destruction of human morals. Overall, the careful articulation of form and structure enables composers to represent the extensive impact of governing principles on individuals and society. Fantastic Thesis paragraph, no comments at all, it works brilliantly and links to the module really well!

Prevailing political doctrines eventuate in the collision between the public and private spheres of life. I'd like to see some more detail in this concept, it's a little simplistic for my taste, what do you mean by this collision? It works well but it could be better. This notion is represented in Auden’s, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, which exposes the strain on the personal politics of intimate relationships due to overarching ideologies. The opacity in the ballad is emphasised through the naivety of the female persona whilst, the questions explore the overt impact of war on individuals due to the instability of society. This instability is reflected within the withering relationship of the two personas. This is a tad too long on sweeping statements about the text, try to get into techniques and analysis a bit faster! The seemingly calm relationship is interrupted as the tension and conflicted trust reaches a climax. The wife’s tone of desperation in “Stay with me here!” coupled with the exclamation mark juxtaposes the husband’s challenged loyalties as he says “But I must be leaving.” Retell. The dehumanisation of her husband and extent of betrayal due to political force is emphasised in “O it’s broken the lock.” The symbolism of “lock” as the sacred bonds of marriage discloses how hegemonic doctrines can negatively impact the personal politics of intimate relationships. Good conceptual link there. Moreover, the cowardly actions of the husband further exposes and is symbolic of a fractured society due to complete distrust. Don't use a plot device as an example of a concept, keep the focus on techniques! The husbands’ decision to leave the wife could be a direct result of competing political perceptions and therefore, the fear of being persecuted which eventually overpowered his relationship. Make sure you are sure of your ideas, even if you actually aren't don't say "could represent this," be sure of your own arguments! This is evident through the balladic form and increasing pace of the poem that mimics the rapid movement of the approaching soldiers this also reflects the man’s anxiety as he can no longer deny the formidable truth.  Hence, the ballad highlights the universal impact of war on both individual lives and communities regardless of context. Good paragraph, but the analysis could be more sophisticated; more an emphasis on techniques, and less textual retell.

Similarly, war stems from differing hegemonic principles, leading to the destruction of past national achievements. This notion is represented in Auden’s tripartite poem, Spain which reveals the restriction of human ideals as a direct impact of opposing governing principles. Great. The accumulative listing of the human advancements in “language of size… trade routes…[and] the invention of… clocks” reveals the ability of humans to advance in the world. Excellent. However, the foreboding tone, “shadow-reckoning in the sunny climates,” depicts the prevailing conflict and ensuing war, clearly outlining the futility of these hopes, dreams and advancements. I'd like to see you make an explicit reference to the audience about now, be sure to include the audience in your response, but excellent nonetheless! This notion is also reflected through the cyclical nature of the first six stanzas which symbolises the inevitability of war and its disastrous impact on individuals and society. Through the repetition of the truncated statement, “I inquire. I inquire.” Auden reveals the disillusionment and loss of human values during war, due to psychological manipulation and the “adoration of madness.” Fantastic! The analysis in this paragraph is much stronger.He evidently discloses the restriction of individualism, consequently, limiting progression in society, as war demands allegiance to one ideology thus, preventing inquisitions. Competing ideologies may be theologically based, as reflected in the verse, “theological feuds in the taverns.” This is depicted in the historical allusion of the closed “tavern” exploring the leftist in-group fighting during the Spanish Civil War. Through the employment of post-modernist imagery, “The stars are dead. The animals will not look.” Auden further exposes that the ultimate outcome of partaking in constant conflict is the self-destruction of humanity. As in, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, it is revealed that conflicting doctrines eventuate to the abandonment of human principles. Therefore, Spain reveals that the restriction of individualism and destruction of human achievements, is a direct consequence of war. This paragraph is MUCH more powerful, no retell here which is fantastic, very very effective. I'd still love to see some more explicit links to the audience: What exactly do we learn? You imply it but you could be more direct with this part of your analysis.

The eventual outcome of hegemonic regimes on a civilisation is a fractured society. This concept is portrayed in Auden’s O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, which utilises brevity and ambiguity to highlight the impact of politics on a population. The multiple layers of meaning in this ballad allow for different historical interpretations of the “scarlet soldiers,” which could allude to the British Army. Which DO allude to the British Army! This historical ambiguity is symbolic of the everlasting nature of destruction due to differing ideologies and the impact it has on a population. The auditory imagery and metaphor, “Down in the valley drumming, drumming?” is reflective of the unstable nature of society’s foundations due to political and military turmoil. Excellent! This instability is reflected in the question, “It must be the farmer so cunning, cunning?” implying that the farmer might be the informant leading to the division in society and in turn, destroys intimate relationships and limits social cohesion. Remove that bit of retell in the middle there. The employment of the truncated sentence, “And now they are running,” exposes the foreboding fear civilians experience due to the overarching principles. This fear and uncertainty experienced by innocent civilians, is revealed through the utilisation of rhyming couplets, “O its the gate where they’re turning, turning… And their eyes are burning,” which portrays the impending nature of the omnipresent soldiers and as a result, the suppression of individuals due to their immersed anxiety. What I'd like to see you do with your techniques (since almost everything else is spot on) is link the technique itself to the effect. For example, rhyming couplets are a technique which gains audience attention, it accentuates something. This is different to what imagery does (develops audience understanding), or what an exclamation does, etc. Be sure to not just say every technique portrays/represents something, consider it a little more carefully. Similarly, the listing of the soldiers’ journey represents the atmosphere of intensifying fear, “the doctor… is it the parson?... they have passed the farmyard.” Whilst, portraying the disruption in the flow of society due to the rise of competing political views thus, contributing to the devaluation of social institutions and harmonious interactions. Hence, Auden highlights the instability in a society, as a result of the prevailing conflict.

On the other hand, Spain explores that unity within a population could provide the prospect for a better and more harmonious future. Try to make this sentence conceptual like your others! This is portrayed in the simile, “Many… have heard and migrated like gulls,” which reveals the want for the international audience to join the civil war and fight for their beliefs in the overarching aim of a better future for Spain. Be careful with how you pick your quote; here, you only need "migrated like gulls" to make your point. Correspondingly, the involvement of the International Brigade in the Spanish civil war, called for supporters globally that travelled, “through the unjust lands, through the night, through the alpine tunnel…” Exposing the emotional appeal of competing ideologies and its potency in calling for an international alliance. The utilisation of inclusive language, “Our moments of tenderness blossom… Our hours of friendship,” provides positive imagery of unity and comradery among the People’s Army and their growing strength against dominant power. Excellent, this is what I mean about linking technique more specifically to effect; what does this do for the audience though? It also gives hope and reinforces the need to stand up in order to make a difference. The repetition of “To-morrow,” allows the reader to speculate the future and the possibility of positive change whilst, insinuating that the eventual outcome of Spain’s future, is determined by mankind’s struggle in the war. Great. Comradery between the militants portrayed in the accumulative listing of their day-to-day activities, “the shared cigarette/ The cards…/ The masculine jokes,” reveals the need to, suppress their fears, develop courage and continue fighting for what they believe in, regardless of their minority status in the conflict. Try to be more conceptual; this is retell. The reference to democracy and positive diction, “the eager election of chairmen,” is in contrast to the previous political dictatorship and thus, provides a vision of a more just future for the citizens of Spain. Analysis in this paragraph is a little too text focused, just like the first paragraph. Be as conceptual as possible just like Paragraphs 2+3. Unlike, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, Spain represents the ability of different entities within a society to unite against dominant political doctrines and thrive for a better future. I like that you are comparing the two individual representations, that's fantastic to include.

Ultimately, W. H. Auden effectively utilises strategically constructed poems in order to represent the overarching impact of competing hegemonic doctrines on individuals and society. Like your Thesis, try to start conceptual! This is evident in the ballad, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear whereby, differing political views results in the instability of a community and eventually, the fear of being persecuted results in the abandonment of human morals. Whilst, Auden’s tripartite poem, Spain (1937), represents the eventual outcome of conflicting ideologies is war; which eventuates in the repression of individual beliefs and the destruction of a nation.I'd like to see a more conclusive sentence to finish this off, besides that fabulous!

This is a crazy good essay Sahar8642, you should be really really happy with it! Masterful analysis, excellent conceptual drive, well organised; this essay has lots of fantastic things going for it! ;D of course you want me to tell you how to make it better, not just rave about it, but just know that it's already extremely impressive  ;D

My suggestions are mostly small, a few over-arching things to consider in addition to the in-text comments:

- More audience links. Try to be more explicit with linking to the audience, and consider things like, Why do we as an audience respond to that technique? What is the composer trying to show their contextual audience? Do we gain the same meaning as a 'universal' responder?
- More consistency. Paragraphs 2 and 3 are absolutely amazing analysis wise; No retell, only technique driven ideas. Paragraphs 1 and 4 drop back into textual retell a bit, just explaining what happens in the text. Try to raise everything to that amazing level you reach in the middle
- More consideration of technique vs effect. Consider the impacts of specific techniques on the audience: Figurative language does different things and serves a different purposes than a truncated sentence, for example. Consider what the technique does specifically, why was it chosen and not others?
- A stronger evaluative aspect. This is a Critical Study Module, so be ready to incorporate a stronger judgement for most questions (for this specific question, not super important, so fair enough)

On the whole, not much to say at all, I think this is a great essay. Some careful polish and adjustment will make it really shine, but you have a super solid foundation you can now build on  ;D great work!
« Last Edit: July 31, 2016, 11:23:54 pm by jamonwindeyer »

Bparker

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #481 on: August 01, 2016, 02:14:06 pm »
Hi there!
Just a quick question about module C (representing people and politics), should we be using conceptual topic sentences about representation, or instead mentioning ideas specific to our texts?
Thankyou!

Sahar8642

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #482 on: August 01, 2016, 03:02:16 pm »
Hey there!! You sure can, your essay is in the spoiler below with comments in bold  ;)

Spoiler
The skilful utilisation of literary devices and structure enables composers to represent the overarching impact of dominant political doctrines on the personal and societal aspects of life. Excellent Thesis. W. H. Auden’s ballad, O What is that Sound which so thrills the Ear (1932), conveys the impeding nature of political ideologies on a community and intimate relationships. Whilst, Auden’s tripartite poem, Spain (1937) reveals that competing ideologies are the cause of war and thus, repression of individualism and the destruction of a civilisation. In both compositions, contradictory diplomatic policies eventuate to the fear of persecution and destruction of human morals. Overall, the careful articulation of form and structure enables composers to represent the extensive impact of governing principles on individuals and society. Fantastic Thesis paragraph, no comments at all, it works brilliantly and links to the module really well!

Prevailing political doctrines eventuate in the collision between the public and private spheres of life. I'd like to see some more detail in this concept, it's a little simplistic for my taste, what do you mean by this collision? It works well but it could be better. This notion is represented in Auden’s, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, which exposes the strain on the personal politics of intimate relationships due to overarching ideologies. The opacity in the ballad is emphasised through the naivety of the female persona whilst, the questions explore the overt impact of war on individuals due to the instability of society. This instability is reflected within the withering relationship of the two personas. This is a tad too long on sweeping statements about the text, try to get into techniques and analysis a bit faster! The seemingly calm relationship is interrupted as the tension and conflicted trust reaches a climax. The wife’s tone of desperation in “Stay with me here!” coupled with the exclamation mark juxtaposes the husband’s challenged loyalties as he says “But I must be leaving.” Retell. The dehumanisation of her husband and extent of betrayal due to political force is emphasised in “O it’s broken the lock.” The symbolism of “lock” as the sacred bonds of marriage discloses how hegemonic doctrines can negatively impact the personal politics of intimate relationships. Good conceptual link there. Moreover, the cowardly actions of the husband further exposes and is symbolic of a fractured society due to complete distrust. Don't use a plot device as an example of a concept, keep the focus on techniques! The husbands’ decision to leave the wife could be a direct result of competing political perceptions and therefore, the fear of being persecuted which eventually overpowered his relationship. Make sure you are sure of your ideas, even if you actually aren't don't say "could represent this," be sure of your own arguments! This is evident through the balladic form and increasing pace of the poem that mimics the rapid movement of the approaching soldiers this also reflects the man’s anxiety as he can no longer deny the formidable truth.  Hence, the ballad highlights the universal impact of war on both individual lives and communities regardless of context. Good paragraph, but the analysis could be more sophisticated; more an emphasis on techniques, and less textual retell.

Similarly, war stems from differing hegemonic principles, leading to the destruction of past national achievements. This notion is represented in Auden’s tripartite poem, Spain which reveals the restriction of human ideals as a direct impact of opposing governing principles. Great. The accumulative listing of the human advancements in “language of size… trade routes…[and] the invention of… clocks” reveals the ability of humans to advance in the world. Excellent. However, the foreboding tone, “shadow-reckoning in the sunny climates,” depicts the prevailing conflict and ensuing war, clearly outlining the futility of these hopes, dreams and advancements. I'd like to see you make an explicit reference to the audience about now, be sure to include the audience in your response, but excellent nonetheless! This notion is also reflected through the cyclical nature of the first six stanzas which symbolises the inevitability of war and its disastrous impact on individuals and society. Through the repetition of the truncated statement, “I inquire. I inquire.” Auden reveals the disillusionment and loss of human values during war, due to psychological manipulation and the “adoration of madness.” Fantastic! The analysis in this paragraph is much stronger.He evidently discloses the restriction of individualism, consequently, limiting progression in society, as war demands allegiance to one ideology thus, preventing inquisitions. Competing ideologies may be theologically based, as reflected in the verse, “theological feuds in the taverns.” This is depicted in the historical allusion of the closed “tavern” exploring the leftist in-group fighting during the Spanish Civil War. Through the employment of post-modernist imagery, “The stars are dead. The animals will not look.” Auden further exposes that the ultimate outcome of partaking in constant conflict is the self-destruction of humanity. As in, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, it is revealed that conflicting doctrines eventuate to the abandonment of human principles. Therefore, Spain reveals that the restriction of individualism and destruction of human achievements, is a direct consequence of war. This paragraph is MUCH more powerful, no retell here which is fantastic, very very effective. I'd still love to see some more explicit links to the audience: What exactly do we learn? You imply it but you could be more direct with this part of your analysis.

The eventual outcome of hegemonic regimes on a civilisation is a fractured society. This concept is portrayed in Auden’s O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, which utilises brevity and ambiguity to highlight the impact of politics on a population. The multiple layers of meaning in this ballad allow for different historical interpretations of the “scarlet soldiers,” which could allude to the British Army. Which DO allude to the British Army! This historical ambiguity is symbolic of the everlasting nature of destruction due to differing ideologies and the impact it has on a population. The auditory imagery and metaphor, “Down in the valley drumming, drumming?” is reflective of the unstable nature of society’s foundations due to political and military turmoil. Excellent! This instability is reflected in the question, “It must be the farmer so cunning, cunning?” implying that the farmer might be the informant leading to the division in society and in turn, destroys intimate relationships and limits social cohesion. Remove that bit of retell in the middle there. The employment of the truncated sentence, “And now they are running,” exposes the foreboding fear civilians experience due to the overarching principles. This fear and uncertainty experienced by innocent civilians, is revealed through the utilisation of rhyming couplets, “O its the gate where they’re turning, turning… And their eyes are burning,” which portrays the impending nature of the omnipresent soldiers and as a result, the suppression of individuals due to their immersed anxiety. What I'd like to see you do with your techniques (since almost everything else is spot on) is link the technique itself to the effect. For example, rhyming couplets are a technique which gains audience attention, it accentuates something. This is different to what imagery does (develops audience understanding), or what an exclamation does, etc. Be sure to not just say every technique portrays/represents something, consider it a little more carefully. Similarly, the listing of the soldiers’ journey represents the atmosphere of intensifying fear, “the doctor… is it the parson?... they have passed the farmyard.” Whilst, portraying the disruption in the flow of society due to the rise of competing political views thus, contributing to the devaluation of social institutions and harmonious interactions. Hence, Auden highlights the instability in a society, as a result of the prevailing conflict.

On the other hand, Spain explores that unity within a population could provide the prospect for a better and more harmonious future. Try to make this sentence conceptual like your others! This is portrayed in the simile, “Many… have heard and migrated like gulls,” which reveals the want for the international audience to join the civil war and fight for their beliefs in the overarching aim of a better future for Spain. Be careful with how you pick your quote; here, you only need "migrated like gulls" to make your point. Correspondingly, the involvement of the International Brigade in the Spanish civil war, called for supporters globally that travelled, “through the unjust lands, through the night, through the alpine tunnel…” Exposing the emotional appeal of competing ideologies and its potency in calling for an international alliance. The utilisation of inclusive language, “Our moments of tenderness blossom… Our hours of friendship,” provides positive imagery of unity and comradery among the People’s Army and their growing strength against dominant power. Excellent, this is what I mean about linking technique more specifically to effect; what does this do for the audience though? It also gives hope and reinforces the need to stand up in order to make a difference. The repetition of “To-morrow,” allows the reader to speculate the future and the possibility of positive change whilst, insinuating that the eventual outcome of Spain’s future, is determined by mankind’s struggle in the war. Great. Comradery between the militants portrayed in the accumulative listing of their day-to-day activities, “the shared cigarette/ The cards…/ The masculine jokes,” reveals the need to, suppress their fears, develop courage and continue fighting for what they believe in, regardless of their minority status in the conflict. Try to be more conceptual; this is retell. The reference to democracy and positive diction, “the eager election of chairmen,” is in contrast to the previous political dictatorship and thus, provides a vision of a more just future for the citizens of Spain. Analysis in this paragraph is a little too text focused, just like the first paragraph. Be as conceptual as possible just like Paragraphs 2+3. Unlike, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear, Spain represents the ability of different entities within a society to unite against dominant political doctrines and thrive for a better future. I like that you are comparing the two individual representations, that's fantastic to include.

Ultimately, W. H. Auden effectively utilises strategically constructed poems in order to represent the overarching impact of competing hegemonic doctrines on individuals and society. Like your Thesis, try to start conceptual! This is evident in the ballad, O What is that Sound which so thrills the ear whereby, differing political views results in the instability of a community and eventually, the fear of being persecuted results in the abandonment of human morals. Whilst, Auden’s tripartite poem, Spain (1937), represents the eventual outcome of conflicting ideologies is war; which eventuates in the repression of individual beliefs and the destruction of a nation.I'd like to see a more conclusive sentence to finish this off, besides that fabulous!

This is a crazy good essay Sahar8642, you should be really really happy with it! Masterful analysis, excellent conceptual drive, well organised; this essay has lots of fantastic things going for it! ;D of course you want me to tell you how to make it better, not just rave about it, but just know that it's already extremely impressive  ;D

My suggestions are mostly small, a few over-arching things to consider in addition to the in-text comments:

- More audience links. Try to be more explicit with linking to the audience, and consider things like, Why do we as an audience respond to that technique? What is the composer trying to show their contextual audience? Do we gain the same meaning as a 'universal' responder?
- More consistency. Paragraphs 2 and 3 are absolutely amazing analysis wise; No retell, only technique driven ideas. Paragraphs 1 and 4 drop back into textual retell a bit, just explaining what happens in the text. Try to raise everything to that amazing level you reach in the middle
- More consideration of technique vs effect. Consider the impacts of specific techniques on the audience: Figurative language does different things and serves a different purposes than a truncated sentence, for example. Consider what the technique does specifically, why was it chosen and not others?
- A stronger evaluative aspect. This is a Critical Study Module, so be ready to incorporate a stronger judgement for most questions (for this specific question, not super important, so fair enough)

On the whole, not much to say at all, I think this is a great essay. Some careful polish and adjustment will make it really shine, but you have a super solid foundation you can now build on  ;D great work!

THANK YOU!
I will for sure fix up the essay according to the feedback
In regards to the comparison between the poems, should I include more comparison compared to just at the end of every second body para?
Also, what would I get for this essay out of 20 at the moment?

Thanks Again!

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #483 on: August 01, 2016, 03:25:59 pm »
THANK YOU!
I will for sure fix up the essay according to the feedback
In regards to the comparison between the poems, should I include more comparison compared to just at the end of every second body para?
Also, what would I get for this essay out of 20 at the moment?

Thanks Again!

No problem! It would definitely benefit you to do that, this isn't the comparative module so it isn't super important, but those sorts of links between the two are great inclusions  :)

Take my opinion with several large grains of salt, but I'd say you are sitting in the High Band 5/Low Band 6 range, so at a guess, 17-18  ;D

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #484 on: August 01, 2016, 03:27:18 pm »
Hi there!
Just a quick question about module C (representing people and politics), should we be using conceptual topic sentences about representation, or instead mentioning ideas specific to our texts?
Thankyou!

Definitely conceptual, though obviously the conceptual ideas can be related to the concepts explored in the text  ;D the rule of thumb I use is to never be making any reference to the text in my topic sentence  ;D

Bparker

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #485 on: August 01, 2016, 03:33:53 pm »
Definitely conceptual, though obviously the conceptual ideas can be related to the concepts explored in the text  ;D the rule of thumb I use is to never be making any reference to the text in my topic sentence  ;D

Okay great, thankyou!!

Sahar8642

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #486 on: August 01, 2016, 05:31:15 pm »
No problem! It would definitely benefit you to do that, this isn't the comparative module so it isn't super important, but those sorts of links between the two are great inclusions  :)

Take my opinion with several large grains of salt, but I'd say you are sitting in the High Band 5/Low Band 6 range, so at a guess, 17-18  ;D

Ok thanks! :)

studybuddy7777

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #487 on: August 01, 2016, 05:36:28 pm »
Hey English modders!!

If you could get me feedback on my module b essay before i have to try and pull something out of thin air tomorrow that would be great! Otherwise i understand...  :'(

Its attached in the spoiler below ready to have comments below in bold :)

Thanks so much for doing this on such short notice
Just one quick question- what would this get me out of 20 do you think? Plus any general feedback :D

Spoiler
Cloudstreet essay

In Cloudstreet we see that textual unity is achieved through skilful usage of language, form and structure. Winton has created an epic; a saga which spans twenty years in the lives of the characters. This novel is integrated with significant events that either support of challenge the textual unity, belonging and familial ties each character has. Winton shows us the significance of unity through a variety of events such as Fish drowning and re-drowning, his relationships with other key characters such as Quick and Oriel, the role of the black fella and his contribution to the cohesion of the novel, as well as the endurance of Cloudstreet.

Samson Lamb is nicknamed Fish for 'his wit and alertness' but it is no coincidence his naming of Fish due to his desires for 'the water' after drowning. Ever since Oriel reluctantly brought him back, Fish acts childlike in temporal life and refuses to acknowledge Oriel as his mother. Fish was once everyones' favourite but since the accident he became 'stuck somewhere.. like he's half in and half out' and in his half state of life he has become a spiritually liberated and insightful being. His spiritual half is the main narrator of the novel due to this heightened awareness he has. We, as readers of Winton's Cloudstreet, see Fish in many circumstances of magical realism like the talking pig which he can "understand" the pig and Lester can also hear. Fish also knows what the house is feeling and he can tell because it talks. Though he goes to a variety of people such as 'shrinks', 'quacks', even Lester himself about his condition they are all unsuccessful in decoding Samson Lamb. Fish is an integral part  in the unity of the Lambs', the acceptance of the Pickles' and making sure there is complete unity and happiness between the two before he redrowns. This final act of Fish's life brings everyone together and the Lambs' and Pickles' are truly united for the first time in twenty years and the house is undivided. Winton shows to a great extent the significance of unity when he says through aptly chosen words "Fish goes out sighing.. to the water that smacks him kisses when he hits. Down he slopes.. drinking his way into the tumble [of water]" Through the visual and sensory imagery that is present among the onomatopoeic words, Spiritual Fish as narrator is using the language that is commonly associated with Physical Fish, symbolising the fact that the two halves of Fish are now one whole and he is completely unified and so is everyone else. The river is symbolic of baptism, being Fish has supernatural, 'godlike' qualities about him, be it through his heightened awareness or his various cases of magic realism. The river is where everything starts and ends for Fish, and ultimately the whole novel is bookended by this scene. The layered themes of belonging embedded in this scene create a sense of textual unity. Belonging and not belonging is revealed in numerous ways in this scene, which is informed by the rest of the novel, such as belonging to self to family and to the house of Cloudstreet exploited by the character of Fish Lamb. Winton privileges Fish's voice throughout the novel as a spiritual voice of reason, with the uniting of his halves.

Quick blames himself for the accidental drowning of Fish and this is truly justified when the narrator "he knows it should've been him, not Fish.. Fair dinkum Quick Lamb hates himself." Through the colloquialisms Winton uses such as "fair dinkum" coupled with suggestions about Quick's regrets in life, Quick gets established as a classic Aussie battler and a survivor. Even Lester knows Quick blames himself as he says "i blame you. And me. And God.. we were stupid enough to drown him trying to save him." Lester assures Quick in a strange way that the blame isn't entirely on him. It's on everyone. Nevertheless, Quick does not want to endure the hardships of Fish's half death so he drowns them out by putting up pictures of depressed people on his misery wall 'Now and then he would open a newspaper and sees a prisoner of war or crying baby.. and he'll tear it out with care and pin it on the flaky wall to remind himself he is alive and healthy.. and Fish is not."

Cloudstreet is the place, the title and a character which is rare for a novel as houses' do not usually talk or have feelings to express in the novel. 1 Cloud Street is different. It has existed for many years before the Lambs' and Pickles' moved into it and has already been established as an "enormous, flaking mansion with eyes and ears and a look of godless opulence about it." Cloudstreet is similarly personified throughout the text and this adds to the magic realism of the text. "The house ticked all night but didn't got off" stresses suspense and conflict. The characters of Cloudstreet know this as is evident when Oriel says "she wasn't the type to argue with a living, breathing house." Through personifying the text with a heightened introduction of Cloudstreet we see that Winton is planning to use the house as a character which emphasises what a grand, old place it must be. Early in Book III, Cloudstreet existed "back in time" and was owned by a woman who tried to assimilate Aboriginal girls. This is important not only because neither of them wanted to be in the situation (the woman or the girls) but also when the black fella went to sell props at 1 Cloud Street and strongly sensed the evil spirits of the dead woman and girl. The assimilated girl committed suicide and this made the woman evict all of the Aboriginal girls and died with her nose sharply hitting middle C "darkening the room with sound.. until rigor  mortis set in"; "God's" way of saying that we are all equal and you should treat everyone equally. These spirits may have been still too haunting for the black man simply because of the nature of what transpired, but the girls could've been from the same tribe, the same family even. The black fella ironically is the only character that does not belong to anyone, yet is the most integral to the novel's cohesion and unification. The cohesion of the novel is also achieved through the multiple layers of meaning Cloudstreet has through its various readings (feminist, marxist, religious are examples.) The novel feels cohesive because of it's circular structure where everything starts and ends at the river scene. The novel Cloudstreet is a saga. Sagas examine a select group of characters over a considerable period of time and tests these characters against a variety of situation. In doing so, they allow for important ideas and philosophies to be established and examined.


jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #488 on: August 01, 2016, 09:14:26 pm »
Hey English modders!!

If you could get me feedback on my module b essay before i have to try and pull something out of thin air tomorrow that would be great! Otherwise i understand...  :'(

Its attached in the spoiler below ready to have comments below in bold :)

Thanks so much for doing this on such short notice
Just one quick question- what would this get me out of 20 do you think? Plus any general feedback :D

Hey study buddy! Just a quick run through so you have it at a reasonable time (doesn't count as a full mark for post requirements, not that it matters, you're making heaps of posts anyway)  ;D  I'll pop the comments at the end of each paragraph so it is more digestible for you! I'm also not giving you a mark out of 20 the night before an exam, it will either make you overconfident or nervous, and I want neither for you! Just take the feedback on its merits, I'll happily tell you where I think it sits tomorrow after the exam  ;)

Spoiler
In Cloudstreet we see that textual unity is achieved through skilful usage of language, form and structure. Winton has created an epic; a saga which spans twenty years in the lives of the characters. This novel is integrated with significant events that either support of challenge the textual unity, belonging and familial ties each character has. Winton shows us the significance of unity through a variety of events such as Fish drowning and re-drowning, his relationships with other key characters such as Quick and Oriel, the role of the black fella and his contribution to the cohesion of the novel, as well as the endurance of Cloudstreet. This Thesis is extremely test focused. Try to start with something more conceptual about textual unity, THEN bring in Cloudstreet as an example. Further, remove the description of plot events (retell) and replace them with more conceptual ideas; what does Cloudstreet show its audience and HOW EFFECTIVELY does it show it?

Samson Lamb is nicknamed Fish for 'his wit and alertness' but it is no coincidence his naming of Fish due to his desires for 'the water' after drowning. Ever since Oriel reluctantly brought him back, Fish acts childlike in temporal life and refuses to acknowledge Oriel as his mother. Fish was once everyones' favourite but since the accident he became 'stuck somewhere.. like he's half in and half out' and in his half state of life he has become a spiritually liberated and insightful being. His spiritual half is the main narrator of the novel due to this heightened awareness he has. We, as readers of Winton's Cloudstreet, see Fish in many circumstances of magical realism like the talking pig which he can "understand" the pig and Lester can also hear. Fish also knows what the house is feeling and he can tell because it talks. Though he goes to a variety of people such as 'shrinks', 'quacks', even Lester himself about his condition they are all unsuccessful in decoding Samson Lamb. Fish is an integral part  in the unity of the Lambs', the acceptance of the Pickles' and making sure there is complete unity and happiness between the two before he redrowns. This final act of Fish's life brings everyone together and the Lambs' and Pickles' are truly united for the first time in twenty years and the house is undivided. Winton shows to a great extent the significance of unity when he says through aptly chosen words "Fish goes out sighing.. to the water that smacks him kisses when he hits. Down he slopes.. drinking his way into the tumble [of water]" Through the visual and sensory imagery that is present among the onomatopoeic words, Spiritual Fish as narrator is using the language that is commonly associated with Physical Fish, symbolising the fact that the two halves of Fish are now one whole and he is completely unified and so is everyone else. The river is symbolic of baptism, being Fish has supernatural, 'godlike' qualities about him, be it through his heightened awareness or his various cases of magic realism. The river is where everything starts and ends for Fish, and ultimately the whole novel is bookended by this scene. The layered themes of belonging embedded in this scene create a sense of textual unity. Belonging and not belonging is revealed in numerous ways in this scene, which is informed by the rest of the novel, such as belonging to self to family and to the house of Cloudstreet exploited by the character of Fish Lamb. Winton privileges Fish's voice throughout the novel as a spiritual voice of reason, with the uniting of his halves. The first half of this paragraph is heavy with textual retell, you are just describing what happens in the novel with regard to the character of Fish. While you are approaching this as a character focused paragraph, I don't want to know what happens with the character and why it is important to the novel. I want more of what you do in the second half of the paragraph. The first technique you used is in "Winton shows to a great extent the significance of unity when he says through aptly chosen words..." Over halfway through the paragraph. Less of the first half, more of the second half!

Quick blames himself for the accidental drowning of Fish and this is truly justified when the narrator "he knows it should've been him, not Fish.. Fair dinkum Quick Lamb hates himself." Through the colloquialisms Winton uses such as "fair dinkum" coupled with suggestions about Quick's regrets in life, Quick gets established as a classic Aussie battler and a survivor. Even Lester knows Quick blames himself as he says "i blame you. And me. And God.. we were stupid enough to drown him trying to save him." Lester assures Quick in a strange way that the blame isn't entirely on him. It's on everyone. Nevertheless, Quick does not want to endure the hardships of Fish's half death so he drowns them out by putting up pictures of depressed people on his misery wall 'Now and then he would open a newspaper and sees a prisoner of war or crying baby.. and he'll tear it out with care and pin it on the flaky wall to remind himself he is alive and healthy.. and Fish is not." Another heavily retell based paragraph, but you have good ideas in here. This paragraph seems very short compared to your others, thus, it feels out of place. Ensure you are analysing not retelling. For example, when you talk about the characterisation of Quick, you need to add onto the end "and a survivor, thus showing the audience _______." Show me what the composer shows the audience about some concept.

Cloudstreet is the place, the title and a character which is rare for a novel as houses' do not usually talk or have feelings to express in the novel. 1 Cloud Street is different. It has existed for many years before the Lambs' and Pickles' moved into it and has already been established as an "enormous, flaking mansion with eyes and ears and a look of godless opulence about it." Cloudstreet is similarly personified throughout the text and this adds to the magic realism of the text. "The house ticked all night but didn't got off" stresses suspense and conflict. The characters of Cloudstreet know this as is evident when Oriel says "she wasn't the type to argue with a living, breathing house." Through personifying the text with a heightened introduction of Cloudstreet we see that Winton is planning to use the house as a character which emphasises what a grand, old place it must be. Early in Book III, Cloudstreet existed "back in time" and was owned by a woman who tried to assimilate Aboriginal girls. This is important not only because neither of them wanted to be in the situation (the woman or the girls) but also when the black fella went to sell props at 1 Cloud Street and strongly sensed the evil spirits of the dead woman and girl. The assimilated girl committed suicide and this made the woman evict all of the Aboriginal girls and died with her nose sharply hitting middle C "darkening the room with sound.. until rigor  mortis set in"; "God's" way of saying that we are all equal and you should treat everyone equally. These spirits may have been still too haunting for the black man simply because of the nature of what transpired, but the girls could've been from the same tribe, the same family even. The black fella ironically is the only character that does not belong to anyone, yet is the most integral to the novel's cohesion and unification. The cohesion of the novel is also achieved through the multiple layers of meaning Cloudstreet has through its various readings (feminist, marxist, religious are examples.) The novel feels cohesive because of it's circular structure where everything starts and ends at the river scene. The novel Cloudstreet is a saga. Sagas examine a select group of characters over a considerable period of time and tests these characters against a variety of situation. In doing so, they allow for important ideas and philosophies to be established and examined. Ensure every paragraph is properly introduced with a concept or a rationale, don't go straight into the text, give me a reason that you want to discuss it. In the paragraph, again, lots of retell. I'm looking for how the composer has used techniques to create meaning. What do the techniques do? Things like "this adds to the magic realism of the text" is what I'm after. Remember, the marker has read our text, don't write anything that they already know.

Make sure you have a conclusion! Summarise your ideas and re-link to the module.

Keeping in mind your exam is tomorrow, some easy bits of feedbacks:

- Remove textual retell. For example; It has existed for many years before the Lambs' and Pickles' moved into it and has already been established as an "enormous, flaking mansion with eyes and ears and a look of godless opulence about it. That is just telling me something about the novel, I don't need this (remember the marker has read your text). Eliminate this and focus on the sentences where you have a technique and explain something about your interpretation of the text
- Ensure all paragraphs have an introduction; set up a concept, give me a rationale about why you are discussing the text in this paragraph. Equally, ensure every paragraph finishes with a summative conclusion.
- Ensure your essay has a conclusion
- The first sentence of each paragraph should be completely conceptual and so should NOT mention the text at all, if that is possible
- Add adverbs to develop an evaluative aspect to your essay. This is a Module B response, most questions will require a judgement of the composers effectiveness. Adding an "effectively" or a "powerful" or some other evaluative adverb/descriptor to your sentences, and establishing this a little in your Thesis, should suffice  ;D

I hope this helps a tad! Don't stress too much about this now, focus on memorising your quotes/techniques and getting a good amount of rest. Those who know their texts well and can analyse them will do well. Therefore, if you know quotes and techniques, that is the best service you can give yourself, so that's where you should focus  ;D

Sssssrr

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #489 on: August 01, 2016, 09:28:21 pm »
Hi there, here is my essay for module c, could you please give me some feedback for me to work on. Also, the first body paragraph is too large, so i was wondering which technique from that paragraph is least effective and therefore can be removed.
Thanks so much, sam.
« Last Edit: August 03, 2016, 10:26:16 pm by Sssssrr »

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #490 on: August 01, 2016, 09:31:41 pm »
Hi there, here is my essay for module c, could you please give me some feedback for me to work on. Also, the first body paragraph is too large, so i was wondering which technique from that paragraph is least effective and therefore can be removed.
Thanks so much, sam.

Hey Sam! Thanks for posting your essay, welcome to the forums!! Be sure to let me know if you need anything ;D

Unfortunately you have not met the posting requirements to receive feedback. We have a post exchange policy in place to make sure the service doesn't get too clogged (essay marking rules available here). It is 15 posts per essay,  so if you hang around the forums for a bit, ask a few questions and have a chat (make your first post here if you like), then you'll get there really quick! Just let me know when you reach the post count, thanks in advance!  ;D

foodmood16

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #491 on: August 05, 2016, 04:50:10 pm »
Hey, this is my Mod C essay on People and Politics. I only just did the assessment task this week so any feedback would be great, thankyou :)

ssarahj

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #492 on: August 05, 2016, 04:55:54 pm »
Hey, this is my Mod C essay on People and Politics. I only just did the assessment task this week so any feedback would be great, thankyou :)

Hey foodmood16! Unfortunately you haven't quite met the posting requirements to receive feedback. The post exchange policy is explained here Free Essay Marking Explanation and Policies but in short it's 15 posts per essay, so if you hang around the forums for a bit longer you'll be up to 15 in no time! Just let us know when you reach the post count and your essay will be marked. Thanks!  ;D
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studybuddy7777

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #493 on: August 05, 2016, 08:22:16 pm »
Hey study buddy! Just a quick run through so you have it at a reasonable time (doesn't count as a full mark for post requirements, not that it matters, you're making heaps of posts anyway)  ;D  I'll pop the comments at the end of each paragraph so it is more digestible for you! I'm also not giving you a mark out of 20 the night before an exam, it will either make you overconfident or nervous, and I want neither for you! Just take the feedback on its merits, I'll happily tell you where I think it sits tomorrow after the exam  ;)

Spoiler
In Cloudstreet we see that textual unity is achieved through skilful usage of language, form and structure. Winton has created an epic; a saga which spans twenty years in the lives of the characters. This novel is integrated with significant events that either support of challenge the textual unity, belonging and familial ties each character has. Winton shows us the significance of unity through a variety of events such as Fish drowning and re-drowning, his relationships with other key characters such as Quick and Oriel, the role of the black fella and his contribution to the cohesion of the novel, as well as the endurance of Cloudstreet. This Thesis is extremely test focused. Try to start with something more conceptual about textual unity, THEN bring in Cloudstreet as an example. Further, remove the description of plot events (retell) and replace them with more conceptual ideas; what does Cloudstreet show its audience and HOW EFFECTIVELY does it show it?

Samson Lamb is nicknamed Fish for 'his wit and alertness' but it is no coincidence his naming of Fish due to his desires for 'the water' after drowning. Ever since Oriel reluctantly brought him back, Fish acts childlike in temporal life and refuses to acknowledge Oriel as his mother. Fish was once everyones' favourite but since the accident he became 'stuck somewhere.. like he's half in and half out' and in his half state of life he has become a spiritually liberated and insightful being. His spiritual half is the main narrator of the novel due to this heightened awareness he has. We, as readers of Winton's Cloudstreet, see Fish in many circumstances of magical realism like the talking pig which he can "understand" the pig and Lester can also hear. Fish also knows what the house is feeling and he can tell because it talks. Though he goes to a variety of people such as 'shrinks', 'quacks', even Lester himself about his condition they are all unsuccessful in decoding Samson Lamb. Fish is an integral part  in the unity of the Lambs', the acceptance of the Pickles' and making sure there is complete unity and happiness between the two before he redrowns. This final act of Fish's life brings everyone together and the Lambs' and Pickles' are truly united for the first time in twenty years and the house is undivided. Winton shows to a great extent the significance of unity when he says through aptly chosen words "Fish goes out sighing.. to the water that smacks him kisses when he hits. Down he slopes.. drinking his way into the tumble [of water]" Through the visual and sensory imagery that is present among the onomatopoeic words, Spiritual Fish as narrator is using the language that is commonly associated with Physical Fish, symbolising the fact that the two halves of Fish are now one whole and he is completely unified and so is everyone else. The river is symbolic of baptism, being Fish has supernatural, 'godlike' qualities about him, be it through his heightened awareness or his various cases of magic realism. The river is where everything starts and ends for Fish, and ultimately the whole novel is bookended by this scene. The layered themes of belonging embedded in this scene create a sense of textual unity. Belonging and not belonging is revealed in numerous ways in this scene, which is informed by the rest of the novel, such as belonging to self to family and to the house of Cloudstreet exploited by the character of Fish Lamb. Winton privileges Fish's voice throughout the novel as a spiritual voice of reason, with the uniting of his halves. The first half of this paragraph is heavy with textual retell, you are just describing what happens in the novel with regard to the character of Fish. While you are approaching this as a character focused paragraph, I don't want to know what happens with the character and why it is important to the novel. I want more of what you do in the second half of the paragraph. The first technique you used is in "Winton shows to a great extent the significance of unity when he says through aptly chosen words..." Over halfway through the paragraph. Less of the first half, more of the second half!

Quick blames himself for the accidental drowning of Fish and this is truly justified when the narrator "he knows it should've been him, not Fish.. Fair dinkum Quick Lamb hates himself." Through the colloquialisms Winton uses such as "fair dinkum" coupled with suggestions about Quick's regrets in life, Quick gets established as a classic Aussie battler and a survivor. Even Lester knows Quick blames himself as he says "i blame you. And me. And God.. we were stupid enough to drown him trying to save him." Lester assures Quick in a strange way that the blame isn't entirely on him. It's on everyone. Nevertheless, Quick does not want to endure the hardships of Fish's half death so he drowns them out by putting up pictures of depressed people on his misery wall 'Now and then he would open a newspaper and sees a prisoner of war or crying baby.. and he'll tear it out with care and pin it on the flaky wall to remind himself he is alive and healthy.. and Fish is not." Another heavily retell based paragraph, but you have good ideas in here. This paragraph seems very short compared to your others, thus, it feels out of place. Ensure you are analysing not retelling. For example, when you talk about the characterisation of Quick, you need to add onto the end "and a survivor, thus showing the audience _______." Show me what the composer shows the audience about some concept.

Cloudstreet is the place, the title and a character which is rare for a novel as houses' do not usually talk or have feelings to express in the novel. 1 Cloud Street is different. It has existed for many years before the Lambs' and Pickles' moved into it and has already been established as an "enormous, flaking mansion with eyes and ears and a look of godless opulence about it." Cloudstreet is similarly personified throughout the text and this adds to the magic realism of the text. "The house ticked all night but didn't got off" stresses suspense and conflict. The characters of Cloudstreet know this as is evident when Oriel says "she wasn't the type to argue with a living, breathing house." Through personifying the text with a heightened introduction of Cloudstreet we see that Winton is planning to use the house as a character which emphasises what a grand, old place it must be. Early in Book III, Cloudstreet existed "back in time" and was owned by a woman who tried to assimilate Aboriginal girls. This is important not only because neither of them wanted to be in the situation (the woman or the girls) but also when the black fella went to sell props at 1 Cloud Street and strongly sensed the evil spirits of the dead woman and girl. The assimilated girl committed suicide and this made the woman evict all of the Aboriginal girls and died with her nose sharply hitting middle C "darkening the room with sound.. until rigor  mortis set in"; "God's" way of saying that we are all equal and you should treat everyone equally. These spirits may have been still too haunting for the black man simply because of the nature of what transpired, but the girls could've been from the same tribe, the same family even. The black fella ironically is the only character that does not belong to anyone, yet is the most integral to the novel's cohesion and unification. The cohesion of the novel is also achieved through the multiple layers of meaning Cloudstreet has through its various readings (feminist, marxist, religious are examples.) The novel feels cohesive because of it's circular structure where everything starts and ends at the river scene. The novel Cloudstreet is a saga. Sagas examine a select group of characters over a considerable period of time and tests these characters against a variety of situation. In doing so, they allow for important ideas and philosophies to be established and examined. Ensure every paragraph is properly introduced with a concept or a rationale, don't go straight into the text, give me a reason that you want to discuss it. In the paragraph, again, lots of retell. I'm looking for how the composer has used techniques to create meaning. What do the techniques do? Things like "this adds to the magic realism of the text" is what I'm after. Remember, the marker has read our text, don't write anything that they already know.

Make sure you have a conclusion! Summarise your ideas and re-link to the module.

Keeping in mind your exam is tomorrow, some easy bits of feedbacks:

- Remove textual retell. For example; It has existed for many years before the Lambs' and Pickles' moved into it and has already been established as an "enormous, flaking mansion with eyes and ears and a look of godless opulence about it. That is just telling me something about the novel, I don't need this (remember the marker has read your text). Eliminate this and focus on the sentences where you have a technique and explain something about your interpretation of the text
- Ensure all paragraphs have an introduction; set up a concept, give me a rationale about why you are discussing the text in this paragraph. Equally, ensure every paragraph finishes with a summative conclusion.
- Ensure your essay has a conclusion
- The first sentence of each paragraph should be completely conceptual and so should NOT mention the text at all, if that is possible
- Add adverbs to develop an evaluative aspect to your essay. This is a Module B response, most questions will require a judgement of the composers effectiveness. Adding an "effectively" or a "powerful" or some other evaluative adverb/descriptor to your sentences, and establishing this a little in your Thesis, should suffice  ;D

I hope this helps a tad! Don't stress too much about this now, focus on memorising your quotes/techniques and getting a good amount of rest. Those who know their texts well and can analyse them will do well. Therefore, if you know quotes and techniques, that is the best service you can give yourself, so that's where you should focus  ;D

Oops I forgot I had submitted this! Thanks for getting it back to me so quickly and sorry that I took so long to remember/reply. I havent even looked at it yet but I know it will be great so thanks for amazing feedback! #legend ;)

P.S. Would I be able to have a mark /20 now? I already submitted this and got the mark back just interested in other peoples markings..
P.P.S. I didnt end up using this question in my trial exam anyway as we could only do two characters!
P.P.P.S I never put conclusions in my drafts, i just simply make them up on the day
P.P.P.P.S After reading the feedback you are even more amazing!!
P.P.P.P.P.S No more PS's ;D
« Last Edit: August 05, 2016, 08:27:06 pm by studybuddy7777 »

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #494 on: August 05, 2016, 08:42:05 pm »
Oops I forgot I had submitted this! Thanks for getting it back to me so quickly and sorry that I took so long to remember/reply. I havent even looked at it yet but I know it will be great so thanks for amazing feedback! #legend ;)

P.S. Would I be able to have a mark /20 now? I already submitted this and got the mark back just interested in other peoples markings..
P.P.S. I didnt end up using this question in my trial exam anyway as we could only do two characters!
P.P.P.S I never put conclusions in my drafts, i just simply make them up on the day
P.P.P.P.S After reading the feedback you are even more amazing!!
P.P.P.P.P.S No more PS's ;D

Ahaha no worries at all! Yes I've heard how bad the Module B question was :P

Without giving it another full read through (and forgiving the absence of the conclusion), right now I'd put it at perhaps the crossover between a Band 4 and a Band 5, maybe a 13? Give or take  :)