Login

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

October 03, 2025, 03:14:53 am

Author Topic: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)  (Read 732393 times)

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

anotherworld2b

  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 747
  • School Grad Year: 2017
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #510 on: August 09, 2016, 12:25:17 am »
I was wondering if I could get feedback whether or not I am approaching my response correctly before I continue onto the rest.  :)
« Last Edit: August 09, 2016, 07:02:19 pm by anotherworld2b »

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10149
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #511 on: August 09, 2016, 02:35:18 pm »
I was wondering if I could get feedback whether or not I am approaching my response correctly before I continue onto the rest.  :)

Sure can!! ;D

Spoiler
1. Discuss how Unpolished Gem has been constructed to present a particular perspective.

Assimilation is a challenge to the cultural identity of individuals with conflicting cultural differences. Excellent, much better conceptual start. I'd like one more sentence about how composers use techniques to construct perspectives of these differences, or something like that, to lead you in to introducing your text. ‘Unpolished Gem’ by Alice Pung encapsulates the quintessential perspective of the struggles experienced by second generation migrants assimilating into Australian society and their quest to hold onto their traditional Chinese Cambodian migrant roots. The prevalent pursuit of assimilation conflicts with cultural identity causing a chasm between generations of migrants. Pung delves into the perspective of fellow second generation migrants who struggle to adjust to Australia’s culture as her own ethnicity erodes under these Western influences. Perhaps ever so slightly too long on describing what happens in the text rather than how it was constructed, the techniques need to play a larger role in your introduction. Pung effectively conveys this perspective in ‘Unpolished Gem’ through her meticulous use of language features, text structures and stylistic choices to illustrate the importance of learning english and differing ideas about love and courtship while adapting to conflicting cultures. Adjusting your language here to better address the question would benefit you, but overall, an effective introduction!

Pung encapsulates the perspective of second generation migrants through her own experiences to illustrate importance to learn english despite the clashing of differing cultures. A slightly too text focused introduction, try to make it conceptual JUST like the first sentence of your introduction! Throughout ‘Unpolished Gem’ Pung utilises contrast to emphasise the idea that learning english was important to assimilate but a difficult obstacle as Alice appeals to accentuate the struggle second generation migrants had to overcome. Example of this contrast? Any juxtapositional phrases? Pung’s use of dialogue, "essose mi plis I nid to go to da toylit," develops the perspective of second generation migrants towards the difficulties of learning another language by accentuating her broken English as a child with a stereotypical Chinese accent. Good. Pung further emphasises her struggle to adjust through the use of the metaphor ‘foreign words did not seem to slip out of me as easily as the contents of my bladder…’ to create a vivid imagery in the mind of the reader while constructing the perspective of a second generation migrant. Excellent links to the question. Pung reinforces her struggle with remaining loyal to her traditional Chinese/Cambodian roots through contrasting events in Pung’s life changing from being unable to communicate coherently using english to her fading ability to speak her mother tongue expressing a disconnect from her ethnic roots despite her efforts to assimilate. Retell, no technique. The eloquent use of repetition and the power of three in Pung’s dialogue  ‘now there weren’t even enough words to say how I was feeling all feelings was reduced to the simplest of three emotions: I am happy, I am sad or I am angry’ and ‘Yet the more I studied at school, the more mute I became’ further captives and accentuates Pung’s dilemma between the her mother tongue to the english language. You can cut those quotes down, a tad long, but effective nonetheless. The relatability of this dilemma in Pung’s life crafts a distinct perspective of second generation migrants who struggle on a day to day basis with their cultural identity.  An effective paragraph! Your next step will be to start making audience links (see below).

You are definitely on the right track here!! Thesis is much more conceptual now, though I'd like to see a more conceptual introduction to your first paragraph as well. Remember, the focus of your response is how a perspective is being constructed, the text is an EXAMPLE of that, your text ideally shouldn't appear in the first sentence of any paragraph!

Most of the retell has been removed, so excellent work there. Your analysis is still a little text focused, but given that the composer is writing about real experiences, this is slightly inevitable.

My big piece of feedback as the response continues is to start making links to the audience. Remember, the perspective is being presented to the audience, try to make links about the new insight the audience gains into the perspective of the composer, due to the techniques used by the composer. EG - "Composers use of BLAH in BLAH shows the audience BLAH." Those sorts of links will bring you further up ;D

Overall though, very effective! Definitely set to keep writing the rest ;D good work!!

conic curve

  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 714
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #512 on: August 09, 2016, 02:47:37 pm »
If we post part of out essay (instead of a whole one) like anotherworld2b has done, then how many atar notes posts does it require?

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10149
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #513 on: August 09, 2016, 03:09:27 pm »
If we post part of out essay (instead of a whole one) like anotherworld2b has done, then how many atar notes posts does it require?

We decide as we go, it's a little discretional, but with 500 posts it definitely won't matter for you ;D

anotherworld2b

  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 747
  • School Grad Year: 2017
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #514 on: August 09, 2016, 06:55:57 pm »
Thank you so much for your feedback :D
« Last Edit: August 09, 2016, 07:01:24 pm by anotherworld2b »

imtrying

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 115
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #515 on: August 09, 2016, 09:31:00 pm »
Hi, I'm just a bit unsure about Module C with my trials next week. I'm doing representing people and politics. I've attached an assessment task i did a few weeks ago for the question "Regardless of political motivations, personal gain is the ultimate goal." I still haven't had feedback from my teachers on this, so I don't know if the way I'm addressing the module c concept is correct.
I understand I might not have enough posts for feedback on my whole essay, but if someone could read over my thesis and the basic ideas i'm aiming for that would be so helpful.
If not i totally understand, ill need to post a bit more haha.
Year 12 2016 (94.20)
English (Adv), Maths Ext.1, Modern History, Biology and Physics

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10149
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #516 on: August 09, 2016, 10:04:04 pm »
Hi, I'm just a bit unsure about Module C with my trials next week. I'm doing representing people and politics. I've attached an assessment task i did a few weeks ago for the question "Regardless of political motivations, personal gain is the ultimate goal." I still haven't had feedback from my teachers on this, so I don't know if the way I'm addressing the module c concept is correct.
I understand I might not have enough posts for feedback on my whole essay, but if someone could read over my thesis and the basic ideas i'm aiming for that would be so helpful.
If not i totally understand, ill need to post a bit more haha.

Hey there! Just letting you know that you definitely have enough posts, but you'll need 30 posts for the next one! ;D I'll try and get it done tonight or if not ASAP tomorrow!

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10149
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #517 on: August 10, 2016, 12:08:52 am »
Hi, I'm just a bit unsure about Module C with my trials next week. I'm doing representing people and politics. I've attached an assessment task i did a few weeks ago for the question "Regardless of political motivations, personal gain is the ultimate goal." I still haven't had feedback from my teachers on this, so I don't know if the way I'm addressing the module c concept is correct.
I understand I might not have enough posts for feedback on my whole essay, but if someone could read over my thesis and the basic ideas i'm aiming for that would be so helpful.
If not i totally understand, ill need to post a bit more haha.

Essay is attached with feedback below!! ;D

Spoiler
At the heart of a multiplicity of situations and the actions of individuals is an ulterior motive, whether this is concealed or bared in the open. Oftentimes hidden behind the guise of political agendas and a clever series of manipulations, personal gain frequently proves to be the ultimate goal of individuals from all walks of life. Fantastic conceptual introduction here, I really like how it is presented. Excellent. Regardless of apparent political motivations, be they a desire for the maintenance of government or the preservation of political relations, it is invariably this pursuit of personal advantage that drives the thoughts and actions of a persona. This in turn affects and distorts the way in which an individual seeks to represent themselves, as well as the approach an author takes in characterisation and representation of events. These concepts are repeatedly revealed in William Shakespeare’s King Henry IV Part 1 and Victoria Aveyard’s The Red Queen. I love how conceptual you've gone with this Thesis, but (and I almost never say this), it's a tad too much! Try to spend no more than two/three sentences setting up your concept, then introduce your text, and then from there focus on the module aims: How techniques are used to represent a perspective! The concepts are amazing though, just need to reign them in a tad.

Authors create contrast between a character’s political motivations and their personal agenda in representing the varying perceptions of circumstance and character. This is evident in Shakespeare’s representation Worcester, a rebel fighting in Hotspur’s ranks. Slight expression issue there (representation OF Worcester, and I'd say "the character of Worcester too," but fantastic conceptual start to the paragraph. Initially portrayed as a careful politician, Worcester’s interests appear firmly bound to the success of the rebels. Shakespeare leads the audience to form this view via a juxtaposition of Worcester and Hotspur, highlighting a clash in personality through dialogue. Slightly retell here, do you have an example of this juxtaposition? Quotes/filmic techniques which achieve it? This contrast allows Worcester to appear reasonable, with clear and honourable political motivations. Worcester patiently draws Hotspur's attention to the need to "stop all sight-holes, every loop from whence the eye of reason may pry in upon us." Technique? Worcester’s calmly presented and persuasive argument for caution against any opportunity for advantage for the opposition is met by quick, heated rejection by Hotspur, whose lack of care appears to be leading to his demise. Retell. Hotspur throws caution to the wind, proclaiming: "Let them (the enemy) come!...Come, let me taste my horse." Retell, and be sure to keep your expression in the academic style, try not to use idiomatic phrasing (caution to the wind)! As the plot progresses, however, Worcester’s true priorities are revealed via dramatic irony through his failure to deliver a message of peace from the king. Once again, Worcester’s genius of persuasion is revealed, ironically in this case, as he conspires to conceal this information from Hotspur in order to preserve his own interests. Retell. This reversal exposes Worcester as a clever manipulator, entertaining a greater loyalty to himself than to the rebel cause. Shakespeare thus demonstrates the reality of division between those who present themselves as followers of the same cause, a truth made more poignant by the contrast in the use to which Worcester placed his oratory talents; providing a clear warning for those of his day who entertained thoughts of rebellion against the current order. Some great ideas and textual knowledge here, but this paragraph is a little too text focused. Elements of retell strewn throughout, it's a very "This happened in the text which shows this about the characters" style of analysis. I'm looking instead for how the composer has used techniques to represent something TO THE AUDIENCE. This usually doesn't require description of character emotions (though that can come in in this Module), and it definitely doesn't require plot details!

In correlation to this, Aveyard draws on the tendency of characters to work primarily for the promotion of self-interest under the guise of nobility, duty or political necessity. In so doing, Aveyard takes advantage of the characterisation of Queen Elara. Initially, Queen Elara is portrayed as a woman who, although cold and calculating, is motivated by the maintenance of peaceful government and the protection of her own family. HOW is this characterisation achieved? Aveyard succeeds in creating this impression on the audience via an unreliable narrator, who is herself deceived by Queen Elara’s efforts to represent herself as a dutiful member of the royal family, her hand forced by her honourable purpose. The audience abruptly comes to realise a new perspective of Elara’s motives through a plot twist which reveals Elara’s manipulation of events and her capitalisation of her position to gain more power for her son, and take revenge on her husband, the king, for his perceived dismissal of her child. Good, still looking for some quote inclusion though! This is revealed through symbolism and contrast: as the protagonist, Mare, enters the throne room, her eyes fall on the Queen dressed “in nothing but a thin white gown,” the simplicity of her attire and the connotations of the colour white presenting as outwardly pure and forthright. Good techniques and analysis, but still too plot driven! See below for an example. Juxtaposed with her words to Mare: “Anyone can betray anyone,” this demonstrates a new dimension to Elara’s character. This new perspective causes Elara’s character and actions to be viewed in an entirely different light by the audience due to the author’s changed representation of her political role, and highlights once more a truth that transcends genre: regardless of the persona’s political motives, personal gain remains at the forefront of their actions. Good, this paragraph is better, but still slightly text driven!

Shakespeare’s work is noted for his ability to create a cross-section of society and represent the political agendas within the class system. I'd like a slightly more conceptual introduction here like you gave me earlier, however I do love the link to Shakespeare's work as a whole, that is a nice tough. By creating a stark disparity between the parties present in the King’s court and those who frequent the tavern, Shakespeare actually succeeds in highlighting one distinct similarity: despite the dissimilar political incentives held by nobles and the commoners, a common drive is their striving for self-preservation, and if possible, personal gain. Cool idea, an ever so slightly less text focused approach would benefit you (just say what Shakespeare is saying with the text, you don't need that level of plot detail). Frequent change of setting from an opulent throne room to a threadbare tavern creates a visual representation of this divide, brought into focus in the relationship between Prince Hal and Falstaff. Good. Through soliloquy, Hal reveals that his true motives lie in attaining more power, and without effort, by building a rapport with the people before ascending the throne. Hal uses extended metaphor in his explanation: “herein I will imitate the Sun, who doth permit the …clouds smother up his beauty from the world, that…he may be more wondered at by breaking through the …mists”. Try to get the quote and technique into the same sentences as it is introduced: The sentence on the soliloquy doesn't offer much! By comparing himself to the celestial sun, Hal emphasises the magnitude of the consequences of his actions, impressing the scale of his self-misrepresentation on his audience. Technique? Falstaff, although represented as a character in entirely different circumstances to Hal and with no obvious political motivation or ambition at all, epitomised by his derision of ‘honour…a mere scutcheon”, makes an opportunistic appeal for honour and a higher station. Technique? This plot twist which appears uncharacteristic of seemingly unambitious Falstaff brings to audience’s attention the reality that personal gain is never far from the mind of even the least ambitious. Shakespeare thus makes a subtle commentary on this aspect of human nature and its common thread through those of any class. Same comments as above, your ideas are fantastic, just need to step away from the text a little bit!

Aveyard too creates a deep divide between classes in order to demonstrate the omnipresence of the innate tendency which moves people to pursue personal agendas regardless of the political climate in which they reside. Cool. The visual symbolism of red blooded and silver blooded citizens becomes a pointed, simplified representation of the nature of these two societies: seemingly polar opposites. Fantastic.  The ‘red’ society is presented as a manifestation of all that is repressed and downtrodden. The description: “security officers are everywhere, their…silver uniforms standing out in the crowds,” gives the impression that silver security forces, the means of oppression has become such a part of the political atmosphere and way of life that they ‘stand out’ more than the red citizens themselves. Retell, and there are better techniques in that example than just description (imagery,, symbolism, etc). It is in this very setting, however, that “a gang of kids, little thieves in training, flutters through with searching, sticky fingers.” Retell.  Although the politics of the regime these children have been raised in would surely dictate compliance to forces which would not hesitate to punish them, they push aside actions which would serve as a safeguard in favour of stealing for their own gain, the use of the verb ‘flutters’ indicating a sense of disregard for consequences. This thus demonstrates the human traits that shine through in a society where free will is limited converge with the mentality of those who live in relative freedom, and that despite a political climate which would motivate citizens to compliance, personal gain is always at the forefront, even to the point of rebellion. Your concepts are really sophisticated, extremely clever, it is just your analysis style that needs a tune ;D

As evidence from the above texts suggests, the pursuit of personal advantage in spite of political provocations is a distinct trait which transcends class, personality, political climate and even the range of motivations themselves. This ulterior motive, whether it is despite the political situation or capitalises on it as a guise, repeatedly affects the way in which a persona represents themselves to other, and frequently distorts the approach taken by an author in representing situations and people. Your conclusion needs a little more meat than this, try expanding on some of the points made in that last sentence! The "approach taken by an author in representing situations and people" is the focus of the Module, give it a little more importance ;D

This is a really cool essay! You are not just trying, you are succeeding (lol bad username jokes) ;D

I think your ideas are really powerful. You present them in a really conceptual way and organise them effectively too, not an easy thing to do. You have excellent knowledge of the text and of Shakespeare's goals as a composer, brilliant work there. Regular audience links too, which is fantastic.

What I'm missing primarily in this response is that representation aspect. This module asks you, as the student, to analyse how technique has been used to create meaning. It's a BIG focus on techniques, stylistic features and structures, active decisions made by composers to represent a perspective (in this case, on politics). I'm getting the perspectives bit, but not the representation bit. You are giving me the perspective as it comes across within the plot of the text, the characters, etc, when all I really care about are techniques.

Let me give you an example that does have techniques, but could still do with some abstraction from the text:

This is revealed through symbolism and contrast: as the protagonist, Mare, enters the throne room, her eyes fall on the Queen dressed “in nothing but a thin white gown,” the simplicity of her attire and the connotations of the colour white presenting as outwardly pure and forthright. Juxtaposed with her words to Mare: “Anyone can betray anyone,” this demonstrates a new dimension to Elara’s character.

I can take out some unnecessary plot details and blend this all into one, more representation driven sentence:

Shakespeare employs symbolism in juxtaposing the innocence of the Queen's "thin white gown," with the blunt declaration, "Anyone can betray anyone," as the insights into Elara's character enable the audience to realise ____________.

I'm not giving you an idea of what happens in the scene, or any sense of plot, purely, Shakespeare did this to show us this. ;D

Taking this more representational approach, removing some plot detail and making sure you REALLY focus on techniques, would be my main piece of advice ;D there are other comments throughout of course, but this would be my main suggestion ;D great work!!
« Last Edit: August 10, 2016, 01:09:34 am by jamonwindeyer »

imtrying

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 115
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #518 on: August 10, 2016, 09:24:23 am »
Thankyou so, so much, that really helps. Not panicking so much now!
 :)
Year 12 2016 (94.20)
English (Adv), Maths Ext.1, Modern History, Biology and Physics

anotherworld2b

  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 747
  • School Grad Year: 2017
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #519 on: August 10, 2016, 07:26:30 pm »
Hi I'm back  ;D
I've written my whole response and was wondering if I could get feedback on it :D I have removed some conceptual sentences from prior drafts as suggested by my teacher. My teacher commented that my ideas were messy and that I need to be clear but after 5 attempts at being succinct she still told me that I wasn't clear.  :'(  I am also unsure what to write about in terms of how the textual structure can construct a perspective.She was vague on how I can do this and I was wondering if I could get feedback on how to do and the overall flow and quality of my response if it is okay  :-[

PS: I was wondering if I could get feedback as soon as possible because my test is on Friday please
« Last Edit: August 11, 2016, 10:12:02 am by anotherworld2b »

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10149
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #520 on: August 10, 2016, 10:52:16 pm »
Hi I'm back  ;D
I've written my whole response and was wondering if I could get feedback on it :D I have removed some conceptual sentences from prior drafts as suggested by my teacher. My teacher commented that my ideas were messy and that I need to be clear but after 5 attempts at being succinct she still told me that I wasn't clear.  :'(  I am also unsure what to write about in terms of how the textual structure can construct a perspective.She was vague on how I can do this and I was wondering if I could get feedback on how to do and the overall flow and quality of my response if it is okay  :-[

PS: I was wondering if I could get feedback as soon as possible because my test is on Friday please

I'll be doing a mark run tomorrow morning, so expect feedback by then! ;D

anotherworld2b

  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 747
  • School Grad Year: 2017
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #521 on: August 11, 2016, 12:46:10 am »
I will look forward to it  ;D

I'll be doing a mark run tomorrow morning, so expect feedback by then! ;D

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10149
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #522 on: August 11, 2016, 09:38:15 am »
Hi I'm back  ;D
I've written my whole response and was wondering if I could get feedback on it :D I have removed some conceptual sentences from prior drafts as suggested by my teacher. My teacher commented that my ideas were messy and that I need to be clear but after 5 attempts at being succinct she still told me that I wasn't clear.  :'(  I am also unsure what to write about in terms of how the textual structure can construct a perspective.She was vague on how I can do this and I was wondering if I could get feedback on how to do and the overall flow and quality of my response if it is okay  :-[

PS: I was wondering if I could get feedback as soon as possible because my test is on Friday please

Okay here we go! Response attached with feedback below ;D

Spoiler

Discuss how Unpolished Gem has been constructed to present a particular perspective.

The prevalent pursuit of assimilation conflicts with cultural identity causing a chasm between generations of migrants. On clarity: What do you mean by "prevalent pursuit," I don't think prevalent is the right word choice there. Good concept though. ‘Unpolished Gem’ by Alice Pung encapsulates the quintessential perspective of the struggles experienced by second generation migrants assimilating into Australian society and their quest to hold onto their traditional Chinese Cambodian migrant roots. Pung effectively conveys this perspective in ‘Unpolished Gem’ through her meticulous use of the textual convention of dialogue, text structure and language features to illustrate the clash of different cultures in terms of language and differing ideas about love and courtship respectively. I'm not sure how this last bit fits into your over-arching idea on assimilation and cultural identity; why have love and courtship been brought into the mix?

Pung encapsulates the perspective of second generation migrants who struggle to cope with the clash of different cultures through the use of the textual convention of narrative point of view. Pung’s recount of her past dialogue ‘essose mi plis I nid to go to da toylit," shows the audience the difficulties experienced by second generation migrants to learn another language through Pung accentuating her broken english as a child with a stereotypical Chinese accent. Expression could be a little clearer here. Since you are having issues with being succinct, see below, I'll show you what I mean. Furthermore, Pung’s continued reflection of dialogue including ’‘foreign words did not seem to slip out of me as easily as the contents of my bladder…’ delves into her childhood as a second generation migrant struggling to ask a simple english question. There are better techniques there than just dialogue. The eloquent use of the power of three in Pung’s reflection ‘how I was feeling all feelings was reduced to the simplest of three emotions: I am happy, I am sad or I am angry’ further accentuates a clear disconnect from her ethnic roots as she is restricted to only being able to say three emotions in her mother tongue. What perspective is this constructing? Be careful not to just show me what happens in the text, that is retell, I need "Pung constructs THIS perspective and THIS is how it is achieved." The reader gets a sense of defeat and weariness from Pung’s tone as she reflects ‘now there weren’t even enough words to say’ emphasising her struggle to adapt to two different cultures despite her efforts to assimilate into Australian culture. Pung’s dilemma in trying to assimilate was met with irony as she laments with a tone of defeat ‘ Yet the more I studied at school, the more mute I became’ further captivates and accentuates the irony of the situation in which Pung became mute rather than be proud of learning english. Still retell, you aren't telling me about a perspective, you are just telling me what happens in the text! The evident clash between her traditional Chinese Cambodian culture and the Australian culture emphasises the significance of the english language as an important aspect for second generation migrants to conquer. A solid paragraph, but I'm not getting the 'perspective' aspect of your argument. I'm getting lots of textual examples, which is great, but I want a larger focus on techniques and a larger focus on how they form a perspective!

Pung effectively constructs the perspective of second generation migrants and the dissonance between eastern and western cultural values with regard to relationships through the use of the language convention of tone and irony. Pung utilizes different tones to mirror and complement the comparison of her Chinese Cambodian environment and the Australian cultural environment. Good. This is evident in Pung’s critical tone “All you want at fifteen is to have a boyfriend, not to choose the future father of your children” accentuating the perspective of second generation migrants towards the conflicting idea of love and courtship under the influence of Australian culture which emphasises “free love”. The expression here gets away from you a little bit, the latter half could be much simpler. Pung’s use of the tone of uncertainty as she ponders ‘I wondered what was worse, being supported by your husband or supporting him’ encapsulates her inner conflict as instilled traditional values of her family clashes with the Australian values in regards to the role of a husband. Furthermore, Pung’s tone of sadness ‘I had done everything right, and still I had turned out so wrong. I had turned out empty. I had turned out faulty’ emphasises how she is left with a sense of having failed in both the world of her ancestors and of her peers. That quote is a little too long, you can trim it right back. The depth of the influence of two differing cultures is emphasised in Pung’s guilty tone as she recounts how she defied her parents ‘Whenever I was with the boy I could not stop the guilty look over the shoulder’. Pung employs irony and sarcasm to lighten the tone of her memoir as she remarks at her boyfriend’s attempt to be chivalrous “ My knight in shining aluminium foil, please don’t feel it necessary to martyr yourself’’ for comedic effect and to lighten the tone of her memoir for the reader to enjoy.  Hence, Pung effectively constructs the perspective of second generation migrants through the use of tone and irony. Again, I'm not getting the perspective aspect in this paragraph. Case in point, the words "viewpoint", "perspective," "opinion," these sorts of things should be appearing as you discuss your quotes. I get a lot of textual examples, but you aren't telling me what perspective that the composer is portraying. What is the composer trying to show the reader?

Pung utilises the textual structure of a 5 part memoir to highlight key events in her life constructing the perspective of a second generation migrant. The personal tone of a memoir allows the Pung to the express her thoughts, feelings, reactions and reflections in her life, emphasising the impact the memoir can have on the reader. Pung’s deliberate use of a part 5 part memoir allows the reader to follows Pung’s development in character and the struggles she faced as a second generation migrant who has successfully assimilated into Australian culture. This paragraph feels extremely out of place; it is far too short to mesh in with the rest of the response. It reads as if you've run out of time at the end, having two long paragraphs followed by this throws off the reader.

Assimilation is a challenge to the cultural identity of individuals with conflicting cultural differences. To construct these perspectives authors utilise a variety of techniques. What perspectives? Alice pung utilises the textual convention of dialogue, the text structure of a memoir and the language feature of tone and to construct the perspective of second generation migrants who struggle to assimilate into Australian culture. A little more meat for the conclusion would be good, again, WHAT perspective is being constructed? Yes, it is THE perspective of a second generation migrant, but what IS that perspective?

To start, I think your ideas are expressed reasonably clearly in your response. What I mean by that is, at no stage did I have to re-read a sentence because I didn't understand what you were saying. The flow of your expression is absolutely fine in that regard, though I do agree that you could be a little more succinct. Let's take an example:

Pung’s recount of her past dialogue ‘essose mi plis I nid to go to da toylit," shows the audience the difficulties experienced by second generation migrants to learn another language through Pung accentuating her broken english as a child with a stereotypical Chinese accent.

What throws you here is the ordering of your ideas. Since you use the quote first, then an audience link, and THEN try to explain what the quote achieves; that audience link in the middle breaks the natural flow, which is why you needed to use the composer's name twice. I would write the sentence this way:

Pung accentuates her broken english as a child through humorous dialogue, "essose mi plis I nid to go to da toilet," which shows the audience the difficulties experienced by second generation migrants.

I changed almost nothing about your sentence, but changing the order of the phrases makes it more succinct and more clear. I can't give a blanket statement on how to do this sort of thing, but as a general rule, if you use a composer's name twice in one sentence, you can tidy it up.

I think your structure is effective on the whole, dividing by technique works, but it does limit you a tad in what you can discuss. That last paragraph is also far too short. Talking about how structure assists in creating a perspective is not an easy thing to do, and indeed, you probably can't sustain a paragraph on it. The memoir form creates a free flow of thought, almost like Pung is talking directly to the reader, allowing easy empathy by the responder. The fact it is in 5 parts isn't overly significant, unless it divides the ideas into several key perspectives. Beyond this, you can't discuss much, structure is something best integrated throughout an essay response for this reason. You may want to look at using those ideas elsewhere in your response, and either focusing on two body paragraphs or adding in a third in some other fashion.

My big piece of feedback in this response is still textual retell. You are telling me what happened in the text to the composer. Example:

Furthermore, Pung’s tone of sadness ‘I had done everything right, and still I had turned out so wrong. I had turned out empty. I had turned out faulty’ emphasises how she is left with a sense of having failed in both the world of her ancestors and of her peers.

Here, I get a technique and a quote, and what the character feels due to the quote/based on the quote. However, what perspective is constructed? Yes, she is left with a sense of failure, what idea does this represent? What is the composer trying to say here? The perspective needs to be a little more evident; the examples are perfect and the techniques good as well, you just need to do more with them "perspective" wise. What viewpoint does Pung assume? What is the composer saying about assimilation, multiculturalism, racism, relationships, those sorts of things.

This is a solid essay, there are lots of good ideas and excellent textual knowledge on display. For me, it is the perspective bit that is missing, it doesn't come through clearly in the response, which is what your teacher could be talking about :)

anotherworld2b

  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 747
  • School Grad Year: 2017
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #523 on: August 11, 2016, 10:13:45 am »
thank you very much for your feedback :D
I will use your feedback on my response and hopefully my test goes well tomorrow  ;D
Okay here we go! Response attached with feedback below ;D

Spoiler

Discuss how Unpolished Gem has been constructed to present a particular perspective.

The prevalent pursuit of assimilation conflicts with cultural identity causing a chasm between generations of migrants. On clarity: What do you mean by "prevalent pursuit," I don't think prevalent is the right word choice there. Good concept though. ‘Unpolished Gem’ by Alice Pung encapsulates the quintessential perspective of the struggles experienced by second generation migrants assimilating into Australian society and their quest to hold onto their traditional Chinese Cambodian migrant roots. Pung effectively conveys this perspective in ‘Unpolished Gem’ through her meticulous use of the textual convention of dialogue, text structure and language features to illustrate the clash of different cultures in terms of language and differing ideas about love and courtship respectively. I'm not sure how this last bit fits into your over-arching idea on assimilation and cultural identity; why have love and courtship been brought into the mix?

Pung encapsulates the perspective of second generation migrants who struggle to cope with the clash of different cultures through the use of the textual convention of narrative point of view. Pung’s recount of her past dialogue ‘essose mi plis I nid to go to da toylit," shows the audience the difficulties experienced by second generation migrants to learn another language through Pung accentuating her broken english as a child with a stereotypical Chinese accent. Expression could be a little clearer here. Since you are having issues with being succinct, see below, I'll show you what I mean. Furthermore, Pung’s continued reflection of dialogue including ’‘foreign words did not seem to slip out of me as easily as the contents of my bladder…’ delves into her childhood as a second generation migrant struggling to ask a simple english question. There are better techniques there than just dialogue. The eloquent use of the power of three in Pung’s reflection ‘how I was feeling all feelings was reduced to the simplest of three emotions: I am happy, I am sad or I am angry’ further accentuates a clear disconnect from her ethnic roots as she is restricted to only being able to say three emotions in her mother tongue. What perspective is this constructing? Be careful not to just show me what happens in the text, that is retell, I need "Pung constructs THIS perspective and THIS is how it is achieved." The reader gets a sense of defeat and weariness from Pung’s tone as she reflects ‘now there weren’t even enough words to say’ emphasising her struggle to adapt to two different cultures despite her efforts to assimilate into Australian culture. Pung’s dilemma in trying to assimilate was met with irony as she laments with a tone of defeat ‘ Yet the more I studied at school, the more mute I became’ further captivates and accentuates the irony of the situation in which Pung became mute rather than be proud of learning english. Still retell, you aren't telling me about a perspective, you are just telling me what happens in the text! The evident clash between her traditional Chinese Cambodian culture and the Australian culture emphasises the significance of the english language as an important aspect for second generation migrants to conquer. A solid paragraph, but I'm not getting the 'perspective' aspect of your argument. I'm getting lots of textual examples, which is great, but I want a larger focus on techniques and a larger focus on how they form a perspective!

Pung effectively constructs the perspective of second generation migrants and the dissonance between eastern and western cultural values with regard to relationships through the use of the language convention of tone and irony. Pung utilizes different tones to mirror and complement the comparison of her Chinese Cambodian environment and the Australian cultural environment. Good. This is evident in Pung’s critical tone “All you want at fifteen is to have a boyfriend, not to choose the future father of your children” accentuating the perspective of second generation migrants towards the conflicting idea of love and courtship under the influence of Australian culture which emphasises “free love”. The expression here gets away from you a little bit, the latter half could be much simpler. Pung’s use of the tone of uncertainty as she ponders ‘I wondered what was worse, being supported by your husband or supporting him’ encapsulates her inner conflict as instilled traditional values of her family clashes with the Australian values in regards to the role of a husband. Furthermore, Pung’s tone of sadness ‘I had done everything right, and still I had turned out so wrong. I had turned out empty. I had turned out faulty’ emphasises how she is left with a sense of having failed in both the world of her ancestors and of her peers. That quote is a little too long, you can trim it right back. The depth of the influence of two differing cultures is emphasised in Pung’s guilty tone as she recounts how she defied her parents ‘Whenever I was with the boy I could not stop the guilty look over the shoulder’. Pung employs irony and sarcasm to lighten the tone of her memoir as she remarks at her boyfriend’s attempt to be chivalrous “ My knight in shining aluminium foil, please don’t feel it necessary to martyr yourself’’ for comedic effect and to lighten the tone of her memoir for the reader to enjoy.  Hence, Pung effectively constructs the perspective of second generation migrants through the use of tone and irony. Again, I'm not getting the perspective aspect in this paragraph. Case in point, the words "viewpoint", "perspective," "opinion," these sorts of things should be appearing as you discuss your quotes. I get a lot of textual examples, but you aren't telling me what perspective that the composer is portraying. What is the composer trying to show the reader?

Pung utilises the textual structure of a 5 part memoir to highlight key events in her life constructing the perspective of a second generation migrant. The personal tone of a memoir allows the Pung to the express her thoughts, feelings, reactions and reflections in her life, emphasising the impact the memoir can have on the reader. Pung’s deliberate use of a part 5 part memoir allows the reader to follows Pung’s development in character and the struggles she faced as a second generation migrant who has successfully assimilated into Australian culture. This paragraph feels extremely out of place; it is far too short to mesh in with the rest of the response. It reads as if you've run out of time at the end, having two long paragraphs followed by this throws off the reader.

Assimilation is a challenge to the cultural identity of individuals with conflicting cultural differences. To construct these perspectives authors utilise a variety of techniques. What perspectives? Alice pung utilises the textual convention of dialogue, the text structure of a memoir and the language feature of tone and to construct the perspective of second generation migrants who struggle to assimilate into Australian culture. A little more meat for the conclusion would be good, again, WHAT perspective is being constructed? Yes, it is THE perspective of a second generation migrant, but what IS that perspective?

To start, I think your ideas are expressed reasonably clearly in your response. What I mean by that is, at no stage did I have to re-read a sentence because I didn't understand what you were saying. The flow of your expression is absolutely fine in that regard, though I do agree that you could be a little more succinct. Let's take an example:

Pung’s recount of her past dialogue ‘essose mi plis I nid to go to da toylit," shows the audience the difficulties experienced by second generation migrants to learn another language through Pung accentuating her broken english as a child with a stereotypical Chinese accent.

What throws you here is the ordering of your ideas. Since you use the quote first, then an audience link, and THEN try to explain what the quote achieves; that audience link in the middle breaks the natural flow, which is why you needed to use the composer's name twice. I would write the sentence this way:

Pung accentuates her broken english as a child through humorous dialogue, "essose mi plis I nid to go to da toilet," which shows the audience the difficulties experienced by second generation migrants.

I changed almost nothing about your sentence, but changing the order of the phrases makes it more succinct and more clear. I can't give a blanket statement on how to do this sort of thing, but as a general rule, if you use a composer's name twice in one sentence, you can tidy it up.

I think your structure is effective on the whole, dividing by technique works, but it does limit you a tad in what you can discuss. That last paragraph is also far too short. Talking about how structure assists in creating a perspective is not an easy thing to do, and indeed, you probably can't sustain a paragraph on it. The memoir form creates a free flow of thought, almost like Pung is talking directly to the reader, allowing easy empathy by the responder. The fact it is in 5 parts isn't overly significant, unless it divides the ideas into several key perspectives. Beyond this, you can't discuss much, structure is something best integrated throughout an essay response for this reason. You may want to look at using those ideas elsewhere in your response, and either focusing on two body paragraphs or adding in a third in some other fashion.

My big piece of feedback in this response is still textual retell. You are telling me what happened in the text to the composer. Example:

Furthermore, Pung’s tone of sadness ‘I had done everything right, and still I had turned out so wrong. I had turned out empty. I had turned out faulty’ emphasises how she is left with a sense of having failed in both the world of her ancestors and of her peers.

Here, I get a technique and a quote, and what the character feels due to the quote/based on the quote. However, what perspective is constructed? Yes, she is left with a sense of failure, what idea does this represent? What is the composer trying to say here? The perspective needs to be a little more evident; the examples are perfect and the techniques good as well, you just need to do more with them "perspective" wise. What viewpoint does Pung assume? What is the composer saying about assimilation, multiculturalism, racism, relationships, those sorts of things.

This is a solid essay, there are lots of good ideas and excellent textual knowledge on display. For me, it is the perspective bit that is missing, it doesn't come through clearly in the response, which is what your teacher could be talking about :)

hannahboardman98

  • Adventurer
  • *
  • Posts: 17
  • School: Leeton High
  • School Grad Year: 2016
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #524 on: August 11, 2016, 03:24:34 pm »
Hi, these are my essays for modules for my trials so I have made them quite broad so that I can easily adapt them to an essay question. Please disregard the rainbow as it is purely for me to make it easier to memorise rather than for structure! Please and thankyou!