English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi, we had an essay question for mod C in our trial and I got 16/20, just wondering where to improve based on the feedback which will be written at the end.

Happy to help! Sorry for the delay

Spoiler

Question: The actions of dominant individuals affect the lives of others in society. Evaluate this statement with direct reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text of your own choosing.

The inherent relationship between representation and meaning is utilised by composers to foreground the dehumanising effects of dominant individuals on society. I feel like saying "the relationship between" is a little vague, because it is purely that composers use techniques to give meaning. I'd be more specific. This is accentuated by Aldous Huxley's 1932 satirical prose fiction, Brave New World, which depicts his perspective of the loss of emotion and individuality due to a goal for uniformity and stability by the world controllers. Try to separate the plot of the text from its message, keep things thematic and abstract. Comparatively, Takuya Okada's 2011 animated short film, CHILDREN, represents the academic expectations of an education system which dehumanises students in order to attain uniformity and stability. Thus, both composers foreground their own depictions and perspectives of the abuse of power by dominant individuals in dehumanising society and stripping them of freedom. Overall, very solid introduction! Nicely done.

The suppression of emotion and individuality by dominant individuals results in a society that is lacking individuality and is dehumanised. Nice conceptual topic sentence. Such is true of Huxley's dystopian depiction as he portrays the abuse of genetic engineering in order to achieve the political agenda of the world controllers; uniformity and stability. This is showcased by Huxley's use of scientific jargon with the "Bokanovsky process" and "Podsnap's technique" for producing "millions of identical twins". How does the jargon represent a dehumanised society, how does the audience react? This process produces "ninety-six identical twins working ninety-six identical machines", whereby the repetition of the number and word 'identical' portray the extensive uniformity enforced on society by powerful controllers. Try to restructure such that you only need to reference the text once. Further, Huxley predicted the "inevitable acceleration of American domination" in response to the 1920s industrialisation boom, which is strongly represented in his satire. How specifically? In addition, he represents society in Brave New World as dehumanised as "the human maggots gathered around Linda's bed of death". This conveys the removal of humanity of society any and hence, foregrounds the detrimental effect of forced uniformity by world controllers to achieve stability. What technique do you attribute to that quote there? The technique is the most important part of a Module C response. Thus, Huxley uses particular language forms and features to employ his own representation of the dehumanisation of society by dominant individuals for their political agenda. Definitely a solid paragraph, but the analysis throughout could definitely be stronger too. More techniques, more explicit reference to how these techniques communicates ideas to the audience more generally, not just related to the plot.

Comparatively, Okada depicts the role of dominant individuals in suppressing emotion and free will through the education system's academic expectations. This is foregrounded as he uses a gloomy, dull colour scheme and atmosphere, joined with monotonous, sorrowful music. How do these choices affect how the text and its message are received by the audience? This is combined with the zippers locking students' mouths and unnatural clapping of the teachers. This choice of iconography by Okada reveals the uniformity instilled in society by dominant individuals and also the lack of emotion evident in both teachers and students. Good. Near the end, the boy sees a dog and they run to each other but are hit by a train. Retell, avoid just stating what happened in the text. Okada represents this train as a metaphor for powerful individuals as they stop the stdent from forming relationships with the dog and thereby suppress emotion from society. The student initially appears dead until he laughs, whereby the irony with laughing conveys the uncertainty of how to act due to being a first experience of emotion and humanity. Nice ideas in this analysis, but just a little too plot focused, relying on events in the text rather than techniques themselves. Therefore, both composers depict their perspectives of controlling individuals suppressing emotion through uniformity, hence dehumanising society.

The unbridled power exerted by individuals leads to stability being forced upon society, thereby suppressing freedom of thought and free will. Huxley emphasises this through the parody of "Oh, Ford" instead of "Oh, God" and "A.F. 632" rather than A.D. This subversion of traditional conventions, portrays the dominance of the controllers as Huxley represents their removal of religion in order to enforce stability. Fantastic analysis of technique, but the audience impact is lacking - Don't just say it portrays dominance of the controllers, what does it show the audience about free will more generally? Abstract from the plot. Further, the solidarity service is another satire by Huxley as they "made the sign of the T" and use "soma tablets" instead of bread, and "cups of strawberry icecream soma" rather than blood of Christ. Huxley's use of this foregrounds the diminishing of religious influence for "community, identity, stability" as a real being of Ford removes debate over a mystical religious system based on beliefs. You could compress all of this to something like, "Huxley satirises the Christian religion in lines such as ______," and then examine the impact this would have on Huxley's predominately Christian audience. Such is furthered (comment - a faulty phrase, use "This is strengthened" - I AGREE) by Mustapha Mond's subversion of Christian marriage. Instead of "What God hath joined, let not man put asunder" (Mt 16:9), Huxley uses "What man has joined, nature is powerless to asunder", thereby conveying the removal of marriage which thus ensues the lack of children, enforcing stability. Thus, Huxley's removal of religious influence by dominant controllers reveals to audiences the stability and hence, lack of freedom for society. Not a whole lot technique wise in this paragraph besides the plays on Christianity, try and go broader I reckon!

In comparison, Okada presents his own perspective of stability enforced on society through dominant individuals employing the education system. Okada chooses an establishing shot with monochromatic colour, representing the stability and uniformity instilled in society as there is no other colour. This paragraph seems very similar to your other for this text - I'm not really getting the separation? If anything the last paragraph should be the one in this position. In addition, the breaking of the zippers of the students and the shattering of the glass through diegetic sound, conveys the overthrowing of the education system. Thus showing the audience ________ about stability through the loss of individuality? Thematic links! However, the students all do this in a uniform manner and thereby exemplifies the lasting effect of dominant individuals in enforcing stability through uniformity. This perspective of Okada is developed as the dog is revealed; its solid black colour contrasting the lack of solid colours and lines of society. Still slightly plot focused - The fact that your text has no dialogue might be hindering you as it sort of forces a bit of retell, which isn't ideal. It acts as a vehicle of hope as Okada portrays it running away after the student is hit, portraying a propagation of the student's freedom to the rest of society. The employment of a death by Okada construes the profound impact on society as they go to extreme measures to gain freedom. Hence, both composers represent their perspective on stability being enforced through different methods, enhancing the audience's understanding of the abuse of power on society.

Ultimately, both Huxley and Okada extensively utilise specific literary and cinematic techniques to portray their perspectives on the abuse of power. Thus, the relationship between representation and meaning is accentuated by both texts to represent the dehumanisation and lack of freedom of society. Again, I'd think it better to communicate exactly what this relationship is.

Strong essay pikachu - What I think you need to do is become a little less "text focused." So, don't just explore what we learn about the text and the characters, explore what we learn about the themes. If you read through, you'll notice we are always being shown things about the text itself. You want to abstract, to tell us what we are shown about the themes in a more general sense. You also want to be careful with your related, you are slipping into retell in both paragraphs. If you are finding it tricky to discuss the use of techniques without retelling what happens in the text itself, it may not be the most effective choice of related. It does seem very conceptually rich and full of techniques though, I reckon you'd make it work

Comments throughout should cover my thoughts, let me know if I can clarify any of them for you!

[aangiew]

hi i was just wondering roughly how many quotes/techniques i should have for my discovery essay?

[jamonwindeyer]

hi i was just wondering roughly how many quotes/techniques i should have for my discovery essay?

Hey Angie! Welcome to the forums

It is very much quality over quantity for these sort of things! Like, one quote done well beats three quotes down awfully any day of the week. This said, I personally had about five-six quotes/techniques for each paragraph, so maybe 20 in total at a guess? My style used a lot of techniques and quotes though, definitely not mandatory to do that many - I'd say three or four done really well would suffice

[winstondarmawan]

Hello! Would appreciate feedback for my Module B Essay for Speeches, this one is for Atwood and Lessing.

Spoiler

“How do speakers use construction and rhetoric to emphasise the importance of a shared vision?”
The mutual desire of speaker and audience to reside in a harmonious and egalitarian society, heightened in periods of conflict will formulate a shared vision. This vision encompasses collectively held values, such as the power of literature and the need for equality. The importance of these unanimous ideals is crystallised through a speech’s well-crafted arguments, laced with rhetoric to coordinate such arguments to the desired shared vision. Margaret Atwood’s Spotty Handed Villainesses (1994) and Dorris Lessing’s On Not Winning the Novel Prize (2007) champion the power of literature in fuelling holistic education through their effective use of rhetoric, prompting audiences to re-evaluate previously held beliefs and actualise the speaker’s proposed vision.
Literature, as an expression of the values and tropes that comprise our humanity, can have a large-scale influence on societal norms, testament to its importance and power. The birth of radical ‘third wave’ feminism invites Atwood to discuss various propositions, especially the representation of women in literature, to a primarily female audience. Bringing her acclaimed witty and acerbically satirical reputation into fruition through her tone, Atwood encapsulates the irony of wholly good or bad women through the motif of the ‘spots’ in the exordium. This establishes the danger of two-dimensional characters, ‘Create a flawless character and you create an insufferable one; which may be why I am interested in spots.’, dually enforcing the moral complexity of women, and the importance of literature. The dangers of misrepresentation in literature are further exhumed in the body, when youth are often inspired by fictional characters. Atwood astutely presents this through an anecdote, whereby she asks her daughter  performing a play, “Are you going to do anything except have breakfast”, to which her daughter replies “no”, extrapolating from this an extended metaphor of the ‘eternal breakfast’. This eternal breakfast encapsulates the stereotypes placed amongst women, as two-dimensional, due to their misrepresentation in literature, again emphasising the power of literature to create misshapen stereotypes. As such, it is only when the power of literature is utilised to subvert these stereotypes and forward the representation of women as holistic that more explicit values such as equality can be pursued.  Thus, Atwood places great emphasis on the power of literature, a shared value between herself and her majority widely-read and educated female audience to implant societal barriers onto women, and dangers of such when wholesome characters aren’t depicted.
Similar sentiments about power and importance of literature and the detriments of its absence are projected in Lessing’s On Not Winning the Novel Prize. A nation wrought with political instability and void of physical and mental resource, Lessing reflects on the barren Zimbabwe landscape as an extended metaphor for the absence of education based on literature. This is established immediately in the exordium where present tense in ‘I am standing’, inaugurating a sense of immediacy for the need for literature. The blunt anaphora and cumulation in ‘no atlas or globe in the school, no textbooks, no exercise books’ accentuates the importance of literature in providing fundamental education, painting the absence of such as a reflection of one’s environment. Exemplifying the lack of literature in impoverished nations, Lessing incorporates direct speech in ‘Please send us books when you get back to London’ one man says” to convey the desires of those unable to immerse themselves in literature, and despite Lessing and the audience having a shared vision in the importance of literature, the true extent of such a value may not be realised. The absence of literature can have significant implications, as literature is defined by Atwood as models of language and the human experience. As a result, many individuals in these nations are driven without moral, such as the ‘headmaster (who) has embezzled the school funds’, forging a cycle of demoralisation, affecting youth who will ‘steal chalk left out on the blackboard’. Lessing epitomises the shared vision of importance of literature through the anecdote of her youth, whereby she was brought up in ‘a mud hut, but it was full of books’, allowing her to be alleviated from the predicament of an impoverished lifestyle. As such, the shared vision between Lessing and her privileged audience about the importance of literature is elucidated, to ensure that her audience appreciates the prerogative of literature. 
The shared vision of equality by speaker and audience is emphasised through the abolishment of the structures that promote inequality. In a society which yearns for egalitarianism, Atwood ensures to preface her speech in he exordium on equality rather than misandry, challenging a misconception that ‘bad behaviour is the monopoly of men’. This mindset, presented by radical feminists present women as ‘communal egalitarians’, incapable of performing bad deeds. The use of the adage ‘If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’ infuses a sense of irony into the arguments presented by radical feminists, as it contradicts the proposition of free will. By retorting against such statements, Atwood emphasises the importance of equality between men and women, depicting them as three-dimensional and complex beings. Furthermore, Atwood proposes that since the complexity of men in literature is well-articulated, the pursuit of equality involves painting women in a similar light. Hence, Atwood imparts with an imperative tone onto the audience the precondition of ‘conflict in a story’, and the input of a three-dimensional ‘female lead in the centre of this conflict’, to more accurately depict the complexity of women. Atwood’s shared vision of equality is evident in the development of complex female characters in modern literature and film, such as Hermione Granger and Katniss Everdeen, that act as a multiplex model of behaviour for youth, in essence uprooting the ingrained stereotypes of women and furthering society towards equality. As such, Atwood is able to effectively examine the shared vision of equality to with audience, imparting methods of writing which oppose the imbedded misrepresentation of women.
By heavily drawing on empathy, speakers prompt their audience to realise a shared vision of equality and its importance in creating a harmonious global society. Disparity in physical, economic and educational standards between global citizens is highlighted through Atwood’s extensive use of juxtaposition. After painting a blatantly bleak image of a corrupt and barren school in Zimbabwe, Lessing mentions “The next day I am to give a talk at a school in North London, a very good school… with beautiful buildings and gardens’, illuminating the present inequalities between these widely different societies. Further exerting the importance of equality, Lessing proposes the rhetorical questions ‘Is it really so impossible for these privileged students to imagine such bare poverty?’, provoking the audience to recognise such privilege, and hence emphasising the importance of a shared vision for equality. This shared vision is entrenched further into the minds of the audience, as Lessing exercises the use of inclusive pronouns in coup with a precautionary tone in ‘We all know this sad story. But we do not know the end of it’, foments the recognition of the true extent of inequalities existent, inducing empathy and the desire for global society based on equality. Therefore, Lessing is able to impart the shared vision of equality unto her audience through drawing on a sense of empathy. 

[pikachu975]

Happy to help! Sorry for the delay

Spoiler

Question: The actions of dominant individuals affect the lives of others in society. Evaluate this statement with direct reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text of your own choosing.

The inherent relationship between representation and meaning is utilised by composers to foreground the dehumanising effects of dominant individuals on society. I feel like saying "the relationship between" is a little vague, because it is purely that composers use techniques to give meaning. I'd be more specific. This is accentuated by Aldous Huxley's 1932 satirical prose fiction, Brave New World, which depicts his perspective of the loss of emotion and individuality due to a goal for uniformity and stability by the world controllers. Try to separate the plot of the text from its message, keep things thematic and abstract. Comparatively, Takuya Okada's 2011 animated short film, CHILDREN, represents the academic expectations of an education system which dehumanises students in order to attain uniformity and stability. Thus, both composers foreground their own depictions and perspectives of the abuse of power by dominant individuals in dehumanising society and stripping them of freedom. Overall, very solid introduction! Nicely done.

The suppression of emotion and individuality by dominant individuals results in a society that is lacking individuality and is dehumanised. Nice conceptual topic sentence. Such is true of Huxley's dystopian depiction as he portrays the abuse of genetic engineering in order to achieve the political agenda of the world controllers; uniformity and stability. This is showcased by Huxley's use of scientific jargon with the "Bokanovsky process" and "Podsnap's technique" for producing "millions of identical twins". How does the jargon represent a dehumanised society, how does the audience react? This process produces "ninety-six identical twins working ninety-six identical machines", whereby the repetition of the number and word 'identical' portray the extensive uniformity enforced on society by powerful controllers. Try to restructure such that you only need to reference the text once. Further, Huxley predicted the "inevitable acceleration of American domination" in response to the 1920s industrialisation boom, which is strongly represented in his satire. How specifically? In addition, he represents society in Brave New World as dehumanised as "the human maggots gathered around Linda's bed of death". This conveys the removal of humanity of society any and hence, foregrounds the detrimental effect of forced uniformity by world controllers to achieve stability. What technique do you attribute to that quote there? The technique is the most important part of a Module C response. Thus, Huxley uses particular language forms and features to employ his own representation of the dehumanisation of society by dominant individuals for their political agenda. Definitely a solid paragraph, but the analysis throughout could definitely be stronger too. More techniques, more explicit reference to how these techniques communicates ideas to the audience more generally, not just related to the plot.

Comparatively, Okada depicts the role of dominant individuals in suppressing emotion and free will through the education system's academic expectations. This is foregrounded as he uses a gloomy, dull colour scheme and atmosphere, joined with monotonous, sorrowful music. How do these choices affect how the text and its message are received by the audience? This is combined with the zippers locking students' mouths and unnatural clapping of the teachers. This choice of iconography by Okada reveals the uniformity instilled in society by dominant individuals and also the lack of emotion evident in both teachers and students. Good. Near the end, the boy sees a dog and they run to each other but are hit by a train. Retell, avoid just stating what happened in the text. Okada represents this train as a metaphor for powerful individuals as they stop the stdent from forming relationships with the dog and thereby suppress emotion from society. The student initially appears dead until he laughs, whereby the irony with laughing conveys the uncertainty of how to act due to being a first experience of emotion and humanity. Nice ideas in this analysis, but just a little too plot focused, relying on events in the text rather than techniques themselves. Therefore, both composers depict their perspectives of controlling individuals suppressing emotion through uniformity, hence dehumanising society.

The unbridled power exerted by individuals leads to stability being forced upon society, thereby suppressing freedom of thought and free will. Huxley emphasises this through the parody of "Oh, Ford" instead of "Oh, God" and "A.F. 632" rather than A.D. This subversion of traditional conventions, portrays the dominance of the controllers as Huxley represents their removal of religion in order to enforce stability. Fantastic analysis of technique, but the audience impact is lacking - Don't just say it portrays dominance of the controllers, what does it show the audience about free will more generally? Abstract from the plot. Further, the solidarity service is another satire by Huxley as they "made the sign of the T" and use "soma tablets" instead of bread, and "cups of strawberry icecream soma" rather than blood of Christ. Huxley's use of this foregrounds the diminishing of religious influence for "community, identity, stability" as a real being of Ford removes debate over a mystical religious system based on beliefs. You could compress all of this to something like, "Huxley satirises the Christian religion in lines such as ______," and then examine the impact this would have on Huxley's predominately Christian audience. Such is furthered (comment - a faulty phrase, use "This is strengthened" - I AGREE) by Mustapha Mond's subversion of Christian marriage. Instead of "What God hath joined, let not man put asunder" (Mt 16:9), Huxley uses "What man has joined, nature is powerless to asunder", thereby conveying the removal of marriage which thus ensues the lack of children, enforcing stability. Thus, Huxley's removal of religious influence by dominant controllers reveals to audiences the stability and hence, lack of freedom for society. Not a whole lot technique wise in this paragraph besides the plays on Christianity, try and go broader I reckon!

In comparison, Okada presents his own perspective of stability enforced on society through dominant individuals employing the education system. Okada chooses an establishing shot with monochromatic colour, representing the stability and uniformity instilled in society as there is no other colour. This paragraph seems very similar to your other for this text - I'm not really getting the separation? If anything the last paragraph should be the one in this position. In addition, the breaking of the zippers of the students and the shattering of the glass through diegetic sound, conveys the overthrowing of the education system. Thus showing the audience ________ about stability through the loss of individuality? Thematic links! However, the students all do this in a uniform manner and thereby exemplifies the lasting effect of dominant individuals in enforcing stability through uniformity. This perspective of Okada is developed as the dog is revealed; its solid black colour contrasting the lack of solid colours and lines of society. Still slightly plot focused - The fact that your text has no dialogue might be hindering you as it sort of forces a bit of retell, which isn't ideal. It acts as a vehicle of hope as Okada portrays it running away after the student is hit, portraying a propagation of the student's freedom to the rest of society. The employment of a death by Okada construes the profound impact on society as they go to extreme measures to gain freedom. Hence, both composers represent their perspective on stability being enforced through different methods, enhancing the audience's understanding of the abuse of power on society.

Ultimately, both Huxley and Okada extensively utilise specific literary and cinematic techniques to portray their perspectives on the abuse of power. Thus, the relationship between representation and meaning is accentuated by both texts to represent the dehumanisation and lack of freedom of society. Again, I'd think it better to communicate exactly what this relationship is.

Strong essay pikachu - What I think you need to do is become a little less "text focused." So, don't just explore what we learn about the text and the characters, explore what we learn about the themes. If you read through, you'll notice we are always being shown things about the text itself. You want to abstract, to tell us what we are shown about the themes in a more general sense. You also want to be careful with your related, you are slipping into retell in both paragraphs. If you are finding it tricky to discuss the use of techniques without retelling what happens in the text itself, it may not be the most effective choice of related. It does seem very conceptually rich and full of techniques though, I reckon you'd make it work

Comments throughout should cover my thoughts, let me know if I can clarify any of them for you!

Hi jamon thanks heaps. I'm thinking of swapping to Backwater gospel (which jakesilove used). Would it take up an essay post if I post quotes and analysis only?

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi jamon thanks heaps. I'm thinking of swapping to Backwater gospel (which jakesilove used). Would it take up an essay post if I post quotes and analysis only?

You're welcome! Umm... Maybe? Common sense, like, if it is going to take nearly equivalent to an essay to read and check over, it will count. Normally I'd be pretty lenient with it but the marking forums are swamped right now and we really can't afford to give much time away without post count, sorry!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi I've been trying to write a draft for a discursive essay. I tried to include what my teacher wanted to see in each paragraph.
I was hoping if someone could give me feedback on whether or not I am fulfilling what my teacher wants in terms of content.

Hey anotherworld! As the year goes on, I become less and less confident marking your pieces - It is just so different from HSC stuff. I doubt I'll be very useful, but some brief comments:

- Introduction seems to set up the arguments you need quite well
- Ensure every time you have a quote it gets an accompanying technique - Sometimes you just give the quote without really, properly mentioning a language feature to accompany it. Be careful!
- In the second body paragraph, you aren't really covering the question a tonne. The word 'empathy' appears only once and controversy doesn't appear - Use the terms from the question directly to prove you are answering it! The use of techniques in this paragraph though is much stronger than the one above, good job there.
- You've not concluded with whether you agree/disagree - Make sure you do this!

Sorry the comments are brief, but with a text I haven't read and an essay that is very different to anything we do here in the HSC, I'm unable to provide much more

[anotherworld2b]

Any amount of feedback is valuable
I am a bit confused how I could Discuss values and attitudes in a way that underpins his perspective
I'm not quite sure how I can expand on my discussion :/
Was my third paragraph okay?

Hey anotherworld! As the year goes on, I become less and less confident marking your pieces - It is just so different from HSC stuff. I doubt I'll be very useful, but some brief comments:


- Introduction seems to set up the arguments you need quite well
- Ensure every time you have a quote it gets an accompanying technique - Sometimes you just give the quote without really, properly mentioning a language feature to accompany it. Be careful!
- In the second body paragraph, you aren't really covering the question a tonne. The word 'empathy' appears only once and controversy doesn't appear - Use the terms from the question directly to prove you are answering it! The use of techniques in this paragraph though is much stronger than the one above, good job there.
- You've not concluded with whether you agree/disagree - Make sure you do this!

Sorry the comments are brief, but with a text I haven't read and an essay that is very different to anything we do here in the HSC, I'm unable to provide much more

[jamonwindeyer]

Any amount of feedback is valuable
I am a bit confused how I could Discuss values and attitudes in a way that underpins his perspective
I'm not quite sure how I can expand on my discussion :/
Was my third paragraph okay?

Someone else may be able to weigh in, but I've not really been asked to discuss values and attitudes in that way in the HSC. Perhaps it just means with reference to what the composer was trying to accomplish, in which case, you've done that well! But I honestly can't be sure

Yep your third paragraph was strong, in my opinion! Again, limited comments because I've never seen a paragraph like that in the HSC, on the surface it seems effective

[itssona]

Can you please mark my comparative? Sorry for resending it (deleted other post) - thank you again!

How do both composers use dramatisation to explore ideas about identity? Use Cosi and one Harwood poem of your own choosing.

At the crux of individuals’ intrinsic motivation, are continuous intersections of social integration in attempts to render a solidified reaffirmation of identity. Dramatisation techniques are used by composers to challenge prevailing notions surrounding this attainment of one’s identity and however different the dramatisation techniques in ‘Cosi’ by Louis Nowra, and ‘Father and Child’ by Gwen Harwood are, both are implicitly and explicitly connected by the exploration of individualism. Such composer intentions perpetuate beyond the relevance of social conformity, but rather, the necessitation of substantial interactions to undergo abolishment of pre-existing ideologies and thus, authentic redemption in identity. Through a comparison of these texts, we understand that a quest to overcome the barriers to all semblance of individualism transcends textual differences, with the transformation of Lewis in ‘Cosi’, holding resemblance to the experimental growth of the persona in ‘Father and Child’. 

Both composers characterise their respective personas as initial embodiments of naivety, later evolving into more distinctive personas, as they are met with interactions which alter their existing ideologies encompassing identity. In ‘Cosi’, the examination of Lewis’ initial uncertainty reveals the way in which his thoughts initially mirror that of society at the time, with little of his personal reflection.  His subsequent transformation in values is encapsulated in Louis Nowra’s utilisation of light, where changes in light reflect inherent changes in attitudes and symbolise the characters’ personal awareness. Initially in the play, Lewis is instilled with an unsound fear, depicted in the flickering fuse box, mirroring Lewis’ flickering uncertainty and lack of confidence.  This lack of confidence in leading the play is further accentuated through examining the contextual divergence surrounding present-day views and the more neglectful attitudes towards the mentally ill at the time, where they were viewed as a minority and faced profound negligence.  Likewise, the persona in ‘Father and Child’ also undergoes a progression in values, stemming from an initial vulnerability and innocence. This shift in values is illustrated through the explicit construction of the poem into two separate poems, in which the latter poem ‘Nightfall’ exhibits a mournful tone.  The most dominant of Harwood’s dramatisation techniques is her incorporation of the natural world to convey philosophical elements within the construction of her poetry. The mournful tone in ‘Nightfall’ is accompanied by the portrayal of death as being calm, in the instance of her father, and violent, in terms of the owl’s death. The persona’s temptation to kill the owl, initially an act of rebellion, later hints at an underlying purpose extending beyond rebellion, but moreso- an awakening to the reality that death can bring forth knowledge. This is ultimately symbolic of the persona’s perception of growth and change and allows the reader to gain an understanding of how differing depictions of death can shape present ideologies. The two texts are therefore connected by notions of overcoming the struggle to establish a separate sense of identity, through meaningful interactions.
 
Both texts explore the mutual concept of the association of one’s seemingly apparent nature, with their identity. Through examining Lewis’ apprehensions surrounding working with Doug, a pyromaniac, we are led to see how the influence of textual ‘play’ can manipulate societal views on a subject matter Embedded within ‘Cosi’ is the refined use of ‘black comedy’ as a theatrical form, to provide relief and deflect from seriousness through satirising sensitive issues in a comical context. Throughout the play, comical remarks are made by Doug, such as “go burn a cat”- an allusion to Doug ‘accidentally’ burning his mother’s house. Doug further relates his crimes to being “perfect crime”, where the placement of “perfect” and “crime” emphasise the lack of connection between action and consequences. The audience affirms to their common perceptions of pyromaniacs such as Doug, and subsequently draw upon the amorality accompanying his actions and that of other pyromaniacs, reflecting the instability with which one’s apparent traits are co-existent with their identity.This discussion of one’s identity being associated to their seemingly evident traits, is fundamental to both texts, in that Harwood also utilises several perspectives to comment on moral boundaries. The complexity of gender roles surveys the possible interpretations undermining ‘Father and Child’, the notion permeating the truths surrounding the role of gender in one’s conceived identity. Gender is not specified in the poem, hinting that the persona may have acted in an act of defiance, to display their masculinity. If the persona is written through the interpersonal experiences of Harwood herself, the child can be seen as taking on the masculine role of her father- an act exceeding that of parents, but rather, delving into moral boundaries within society. Through this, we understand that, despite Nowra and Harwood’s contrasting portrayals of discrepancy in identity, both are linked by the exploration of such discrepancies.

[bethr]

Hey Beth! Sorry this took a while, but a few comments on your plans:

- Love the ideas you've put forward for Atwood's speeches, though be careful you distinguish between "common human values" and the ideas Atwood puts forward. There could be crossover there! I think on the whole you are using good evidence and supporting your argument effectively - In the second body paragraph, watch the use of rhetorical question in your own writing. Keep things academic. Also watch for places where you discuss Atwood's intention specifically but perhaps not how it relates to a greater theme or resonates with wider audiences - Those are important to consider too

- Ditto for Sadat, you are considering intent well and including the contextual audience in how the technique is used and received. You've also given evidence of effectiveness. I'm not super sure about your second idea for this speech though, it doesn't quite mesh with the first idea. In one you are saying, "Challenge perceptions," the other you are sort of saying, "Those perceptions need to form foundation for the speech," it is an interesting play off but I am personally unsure about it!

- Excellent consideration of what you are arguing when choosing techniques for Keating. Paragraph #1 is all about emotion and that is where all your techniques for the paragraph revolve around the creation of emotion. Great work there! For your second body paragraph, the idea is very text specific, meaning, you are relying a lot on the specific context of Keating to establish it. Be careful, you want to be able to make more universal links!

- Great work on Pearson too - Especially like you considering links/contradictions between the speakers, I'd like to see more of that! It is important to keep in mind how to draw connections between all the different speeches.

Not much to suggest, I think these will work well for you

Not to worry. Thanks for the great feedback!

[taliamarie]

I have attached a MOD A Essay for marking, would love some feedback
Thanks in advance

[assaadf]

hey just wondering if yall have checked over my essay  (i know you are extremely busy so no stress)
thanks heaps !!

[jamonwindeyer]

I have attached a MOD A Essay for marking, would love some feedback
Thanks in advance

hey just wondering if yall have checked over my essay  (i know you are extremely busy so no stress)
thanks heaps !!

Hi assaadf and taliamarie, welcome to the forums!

According to our essay marking rules (which you can read here) you'll need 25 posts on ATAR Notes to qualify for feedback in our marking threads. The markers are swamped right now and this is our way of prioritising

Keen to see you both posting around the forums! Let us know if we can help you find stuff

[jamonwindeyer]

Can you please mark my comparative? Sorry for resending it (deleted other post) - thank you again!

Sure thing!

Spoiler

How do both composers use dramatisation to explore ideas about identity? Use Cosi and one Harwood poem of your own choosing.

At the crux of individuals’ intrinsic motivation, are continuous intersections of social integration in attempts to render a solidified reaffirmation of identity. Whoa - I think this Thesis is suffering a bit from being overly verbose. Get to the point a little more simply - There are definitely ways to get this across more clearly. Dramatisation techniques are used by composers to challenge prevailing notions surrounding this attainment of one’s identity and however different the dramatisation techniques in ‘Cosi’ by Louis Nowra, and ‘Father and Child’ by Gwen Harwood are, both are implicitly and explicitly connected by the exploration of individualism. I like how you bring in the examples fluently with the discussion of theme, works well. I'd maybe add "techniques in TEXTS SUCH AS 'Cosi'... though, for better flow.. Such composer intentions perpetuate beyond the relevance of social conformity, but rather, the necessitation of substantial interactions to undergo abolishment of pre-existing ideologies and thus, authentic redemption in identity. Slight expression issue there. Through a comparison of these texts, we understand that a quest to overcome the barriers to all semblance of individualism transcends textual differences, with the transformation of Lewis in ‘Cosi’, holding resemblance to the experimental growth of the persona in ‘Father and Child’.  This Thesis has great ideas, but the wording is too complex to get the point across clearly. Vocabulary is great, but when you overdo it (which I think you've done here) it becomes a tad counterproductive.

Both composers characterise their respective personas as initial embodiments of naivety, later evolving into more distinctive personas, as they are met with interactions which alter their existing ideologies encompassing identity. What do you mean by more 'distinctive?' Besides that I like this Thesis, perhaps a tad text focused but works well on the whole. In ‘Cosi’, the examination of Lewis’ initial uncertainty reveals the way in which his thoughts initially mirror that of society at the time, with little of his personal reflection. His subsequent transformation in values is encapsulated in Louis Nowra’s utilisation of light, where changes in light reflect inherent changes in attitudes and symbolise the characters’ personal awareness. Good analysis, though perhaps a tad vague - Do you have a specific scene example where light is used to show a specific attitude? Initially in the play, Lewis is instilled with an unsound fear, depicted in the flickering fuse box, mirroring Lewis’ flickering uncertainty and lack of confidence. Careful you don't slip into retell. This lack of confidence in leading the play is further accentuated through examining the contextual divergence surrounding present-day views and the more neglectful attitudes towards the mentally ill at the time, where they were viewed as a minority and faced profound negligence. Not 100% sure of the link you just made there. Likewise, the persona in ‘Father and Child’ also undergoes a progression in values, stemming from an initial vulnerability and innocence. This shift in values is illustrated through the explicit construction of the poem into two separate poems, in which the latter poem ‘Nightfall’ exhibits a mournful tone. What about the first poem? If you are going to bring up this structural element it would be most effective to analyse it fully. The most dominant of Harwood’s dramatisation techniques is her incorporation of the natural world to convey philosophical elements within the construction of her poetry. The mournful tone in ‘Nightfall’ is accompanied by the portrayal of death as being calm, in the instance of her father, and violent, in terms of the owl’s death. What techniques portray this? The persona’s temptation to kill the owl, initially an act of rebellion, later hints at an underlying purpose extending beyond rebellion, but moreso- an awakening to the reality that death can bring forth knowledge. Try not to use plot elements or things happening/experienced by characters to portray themes. Should all go back to techniques. This is ultimately symbolic of the persona’s perception of growth and change and allows the reader to gain an understanding of how differing depictions of death can shape present ideologies. The two texts are therefore connected by notions of overcoming the struggle to establish a separate sense of identity, through meaningful interactions. Good paragraph, good ideas and good references to audience. Not the best analysis - Try and include more techniques!
 
Both texts explore the mutual concept of the association of one’s seemingly apparent nature, with their identity. Not quite sure what you mean by this concept - Nature associated with identity, might need to elaborate more? Through examining Lewis’ apprehensions surrounding working with Doug, a pyromaniac, we are led to see how the influence of textual ‘play’ can manipulate societal views on a subject matter. Try not to use plot elements to communicate themes. Embedded within ‘Cosi’ is the refined use of ‘black comedy’ as a theatrical form, to provide relief and deflect from seriousness through satirising sensitive issues in a comical context. Throughout the play, comical remarks are made by Doug, such as “go burn a cat”- an allusion to Doug ‘accidentally’ burning his mother’s house. Retelling a bit here - Don't just restate lines from the story and explain them. Doug further relates his crimes to being “perfect crimes”, where the placement of “perfect” and “crime” emphasise the lack of connection between action and consequences. There is some analysis here, but it seems more like you are just recounting what the character of Doug says. This is retell! The audience affirms to their common perceptions of pyromaniacs such as Doug, and subsequently draw upon the amorality accompanying his actions and that of other pyromaniacs, reflecting the instability with which one’s apparent traits are co-existent with their identity.This discussion of one’s identity being associated to their seemingly evident traits, is fundamental to both texts, in that Harwood also utilises several perspectives to comment on moral boundaries. Ahh, the way you've explained the concept is MUCH better here, I'd adapt this wording to use in the first sentence. Makes loads more sense. The complexity of gender roles surveys the possible interpretations undermining ‘Father and Child’, the notion permeating the truths surrounding the role of gender in one’s conceived identity. Gender is not specified in the poem, hinting that the persona may have acted in an act of defiance, to display their masculinity. Try to be sure of your arguments, use high modality language, don't say "may have" because it implies you are unsure of your own argument. If the persona is written through the interpersonal experiences of Harwood herself, the child can be seen as taking on the masculine role of her father- an act exceeding that of parents, but rather, delving into moral boundaries within society. Again, even if it is just your interpretation, be confident in that interpretation! Confident arguments win marks. Through this, we understand that, despite Nowra and Harwood’s contrasting portrayals of discrepancy in identity, both are linked by the exploration of such discrepancies. Another good paragraph, slightly focused on retell instead of techniques though. However, the idea is well communicated and the concepts you've raised are excellent.

Great essay sssona! Great concepts in the response and these are linked well to the audience. Be careful you aren't being overly verbose in your introduction, and make sure you are using techniques in your analysis! Don't fall into "this character said/did this," that is retell, you want to explore techniques used by the composer and how they create meaning. Once you start focusing on characters you have shifted to a text focused response, which is not our goal!

Hope this feedback helps